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Jack O’Neill looked around the room, counting heads. He wasn’t surprised to find that everyone was there who’d indicated that they were coming. Defenders tended to be both reliable and punctual.
“Okay, fellas, let’s get this show on the road.” Jack raised his voice to be heard over the general murmur of men passing the time by shooting the breeze. He was grateful he wasn’t running the Trouble Magnet session; he bet Danny’d quickly go hoarse trying to get that unruly bunch to cooperate.
"Thank you for coming to the middle of summer session.” Jack grinned. “Otherwise known as ‘What I Did With My Summer Vacation’ report. Before we get to the main topic, though, I’ve got some general business stuff to get through.”
The group quieted down and Jack glanced down at his notes. “First and foremost, I’m glad to tell you that Phil Coulson has been weaned off the respirator and is breathing on his own.”
There was a round of applause for that announcement. Phil was both popular and well respected by the other Defenders. Technically the man didn’t have super-powers, but still successfully managed to Defend two enhanced humans, as well as two humans that used enhanced equipment and one demi-god. Phil had been severely injured during an alien invasion that happened earlier in the summer. In fact, for a time, it had been thought that Phil was dead. Nick Fury had jumped from the list of mysterious-government-agents-that-need-to-be-watched list to the top of the shit list for that lie. As far as Jack was concerned, the SHIELD agent would stay on the shit list for a long time too, if not permanently. Real or not, word of Phil’s death had rattled the Trouble Magnet/Defender community.
Jack waited for the applause to die down before continuing. “We’ve got another get well card circulating around here somewhere. It’s in a manila file folder. When it comes to you, sign it, check your name off the list and then get it to the next person.” The instructions were probably unnecessary; Defenders tended to be pretty anal about details.
“There’s another card going around too,” Jack continued. “Alfred Pennyworth has decided to retire, so the second card’s for him. Not only has Mr. Wayne apparently decided to step down from superhero work, he’s also found himself a lady. In fact, Bruce might be joining a Defender group himself, one for men who Defend female TMs.”
Alfred and Bruce/Batman had been one of the few successful platonic Defender/Trouble Magnet pairings in the group. Jack was glad that Bruce had decided to take it easy. Not only was Alfred well past the time to retire, so was his backup Defender, Lucius Fox. Both were formidable men, but there were limits, even for Defenders.
“As you know, Pepper Potts and Natasha Romanoff have stepped in to Defend the Avengers’ Trouble Magnets until Phil is up and running again. The ladies have asked me to thank those who have been lending a hand. Taylor, Burke, and Gibbs, good job.” He sought out a particular face in the crowd. “McClane, Ms. Potts asked me to pass along a request; as amusing as it might be to teach Thor modern phrases, knock it off or she’ll sic Romanoff on you.”
McClane looked offended. “What did I do to deserve that?”
Jack smirked. “From what I understand, hearing the god of thunder bellow ‘Yipee-ki-yay mother fucker’ during a fight caused Iron Man and Hawkeye to dissolve into fits of man giggles, which is not a good thing to happen while exchanging hostilities with yet another alien force. It didn’t help that Captain America kept asking Thor to clarify.” Jack waited for the chuckles in the room to quiet down before continuing. “Nobody got hurt, but it was a close thing and the ladies are determined that it not happen again, so knock it off.”
McClane smirked and shrugged, which given what Jack knew about the man, was probably the best response he was going to get from him. Jack moved on to the final order of business that had to be addressed before they could start the main thrust of the meeting.
“One last Avengers thing.” Jack took a deep breath, this wasn’t going to be very popular. “Nick Fury’s petition to have Tony Stark formally declared a Trouble Instigator has been rejected.” As expected, his audience members shifted and rumbled. “Hang on there, fellas. Yeah, on the surface, Stark is all instigator, but it’s been pointed out to the Defender board of directors that his constant joking and refusal to respect authority stems from an under abundance of self-worth, not an overabundance.”
Another group of men might have chuckled at the idea that the infamous Tony Stark lacked self confidence, but Defenders were used to Trouble Magnets that hid their low self esteem by acting out. Looking around, O’Neill saw many of the audience members nodding.
“All right, that’s settled.” Jack looked the group over again. “Anybody got some business to bring up before we actually start talking about what we came here tonight to discuss.”
David Rossi rose to his feet. “I’ve gotten word that there’s a new consultant working with the FBI. His name is Dr. Daniel Pierce and he’s got Trouble Magnet written all over him.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “Another consultant? Don’t you FBI and police types do your own work anymore?”
“Dr. Pierce is a neuroscientist and he has a unique way of looking at things.” Rossi ignored the dig. “To put it bluntly, he’s insane.”
“Yeah, but a lot of Trouble Magnets are called crazy,” Jack pointed out.
“Well, in this case, it’s the truth. Literally.” Rossi continued. “He’s been formally diagnosed with schizophrenia.”
Several men in the room stirred, but it was Dr. Stephen Connor who spoke up. “That’s dangerous; is he under treatment? Does he have a Defender?”
“As far as I know, he’s being treated, but without medication.” Rossi answered. “And he has a Defender of sorts, a teaching assistant that lives with him and mostly keeps him on track. The FBI agent who works with him is a former student. She’s not a bad sort, but she’s more likely to use him than take care of him.”
Jack frowned, this did not sound good. “Thanks for bringing this to our attention, Rossi. The board’ll look into it and see if an intervention needs to be made.” They’d be looking into the situation, all right, with a microscope. From the little that Rossi had just said, it sounded like this Pierce was in need of a Defender; Jack wasn’t sure that a college student could adequately do the job.
“All right, on to business.” Jack filed the problem of Dr. Pierce away for future contemplation. “As you may have noticed, it’s summer and that typically means more outdoor activities for our Trouble Magnets. This get together is our chance, as Defenders, to exchange ideas on what sort of summer activities work and what ones we need to be leery of.”
“This meeting is not,” Jack continued, looking sternly around the room, “a platform for bragging about what unusual place you and your Trouble Magnet found to make love. Save that for the coffee break, that’s what it’s for.” He grinned. “So, Ellison, absolutely no telling about how you plowed Sandburg’s fertile field with your mighty seed, got it?”
“I was just telling everyone why gardening with Blair wasn’t a chore.” Ellison glowered at O’Neill, not liking that Jack had brought up a point of conversation from last year’s summer meeting. “I didn’t use flowery language like that.”
O’Neill smirked, he liked jacking Ellison around. “No, you didn’t, but I have it on authority that Sandburg did – in the TM session.” Before Ellison could protest, Jack got on with the meat of the topic. “Okay, let’s talk about the activities that work – I’ll start. I took Danny fishing.”
“Did you catch anything?” A voice from the crowd asked, but not having Ellison’s ears, Jack wasn’t sure who it was.
“You know, I don’t even remember.” And for a fisherman like Jack, that was quite the statement. “The water and the quiet are a really good way to connect with your TM, but you’ve got to be careful. Fishing is more dangerous than you might think. There’s the danger of the water and, of course, fishhooks.”
“Daniel okay?” McClane asked.
“Yup.” Jack puffed his chest out. “Not a scratch on him. For those of you that are new to Defending or to fishing, I suggest you fish from shore instead of a boat, less chance of your TM falling in that way.” He looked out across the crowd. “Anybody else have a summer activity that turned out well?’
Surprisingly, it was the normally taciturn Gibbs who spoke up. “Baseball. Not playing it, watching it on TV. Stretched out on the couch, your TM in your arms. . . . can’t be beat.”
“Watching at the park’s not bad either,” Jack Malone added. “Just be sure to stay out of foul ball territory.”
“Hammocks.” Rossi contributed. “I highly recommend them.”
“That doesn’t sound very safe,” Mac Taylor frowned. “There’s too many ways to fall off, especially with two men sharing one.”
Rossi had a smug expression. “That’s why you get the expensive, Italian-made kind. They’re stable enough for all sorts of activity.”
“Hey!” O’Neill protested. “Save the rest of that for the coffee break.”
Rossi nodded, but didn’t look the least bit sorry.
“Anything else?” O’Neill asked the group at large.
“Barbeques,” Peter Burke added. “Cooking outside and using paper plates means no cleanup and you can go straight to the after dinner fun.” He waggled his eyebrows, making it clear just what he meant by fun.
Jack groaned. “Again. Enough with the sex talk already. Geez, did you guys take Viagra before getting here or what?”
A few more Defenders brought ideas of safe summer fun, mostly sports related and many of them with a long list of things to watch out for. Eventually, though, the ideas trickled down and Jack knew it was time to change the subject.
“Okay, we’ve talked about the fun stuff; how about the rest?” O’Neill directed the audience. “Anybody got some cautionary tales?”
“Stay away from tandem bicycles,” Deaq Hayes offered. O’Neill noticed that the young detective sprawled across his chair, his legs spread unusually wide. “Maybe all bicycles, if you value your balls.”
“Stock up on sun block.” Steve Sloan offered. “And don’t trust a sleepy TM outside by himself, carry him indoors if you have to.”
“Jesse still suffering from that burn?” Dr. Connor asked.
“He doesn’t look like a lobster anymore, if that’s what you mean.” Sloan didn’t look as happy about it as Jack thought he would. “But now he’s peeling.”
A groan circulated around the room as each Defender imagined how his own TM would react to that situation. Jack flinched along with the rest of them; Danny did not take to itching, peeling skin well either.
“Lawnmowers,” Beck growled. “Just get a lawn service. Trust me, it’ll be worth every penny.”
“Travis still on crutches?” Ellison asked. He and Beck both had TMs that were anthropologists; they’d bonded more over that than their past military experiences.
“Thunderstorms,” John McClane’s voice was a growl. “Things are too damn loud.”
O’Neill belatedly realized he might be able to help with that one. “The Stargate program has excellent meteorologists. I’ll tell them to keep you apprised of any severe weather headed your way.”
“Much obliged.” McClane looked relieved. “That’ll help.”
“Air conditioning.” Harvey Specter was one of the newer Defenders, but was never afraid to speak up. “Make sure your TM has access to it when there’s a heat wave, no matter how sexy they look when their shirts are plastered to their bodies.”
Specter’s voice trailed off and O’Neill figured that it was because the Defender was remembering a certain TM with a wet shirt. Jack took the opportunity to glance at the clock; it was later than he thought. They’d talked right through the coffee break time, no wonder the Defenders were so unusually horny. They’d missed their chance to brag about their summer sex-capades.
“All right, that’s good stuff, guys.” O’Neill rubbed his hands together. “Now, we’re in for a treat. The TMs have arranged a fashion show for us.”
“Fashion show?” Ellison scoffed. “Sandburg’s idea of fashion is olive drab instead of olive green.”
O’Neill grinned. “What would you say to swimsuits?”
He could almost feel the levels of testosterone rise in the room.
“Don’t worry, nobody’s in the building tonight but us and I had Teal’c confiscate all of the TMs’ smart phones.” He reassured the Defenders. “There will be no photos of this getting onto the internet.”
Which was a damn shame. Phil Coulson was injured and wasn’t at the Defenders’ meeting and the ladies weren’t allowed, temporary Defenders or not, because they were female. The Avenger Trouble Magnets, on the other hand, had shown up in force. Jack O’Neill loved Daniel Jackson with everything that was in him, but he wouldn’t mind having a keepsake of Captain America in a swimming suit; wouldn’t mind at all.
“Get upstairs and watch the show.” Jack dismissed the group. “Just remember we’re all Defenders here, no going caveman on a guy just because he glances at your TM in a swimsuit; he’s not about to do any poaching.”
Jack followed the others out, just as eager as they were to get to the fashion show. Danny hadn’t shown him which swimming suit he would be modeling, but that was okay. As far as Jack was concerned, Danny looked great in just about anything.
And then when Jack got Danny home. . . . well, Jack always did think that Danny looked best wearing nothing at all.
~the end~