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Batman leaned his head back against the seat of his car, still breathing heavy. Catwoman's recent crime spree had him running all over the city with no breaks, and he was starting to wear out. Tonight's heist at the bank and had ensued in a frustrating three hour chase. Catwoman had finally escaped with the cash, leaving Batman with no trail to pick up. He had no choice but to slink back into the Batmobile and wait for her to strike again.
He closed his eyes, his breathing calming down, the quiet of the night tempting him to sleep in the alley and drive home in the morning. Deciding against it, he reached over to start the car when the door opened and someone slid in.
Batman spun toward the passenger's seat door, hand flying to his baterang, as none other than Harley Quinn slid into the car.
"Hiya, Bats!" she greeted, slamming the door shut behind her.
She wasn't pointing anything lethal looking in his face, so he relaxed. "What do you want, Harley?"
"Aw, can't a girl just check in on her favorite nemesis?"
He narrowed his eyes. If she was just here to waste his time, he wanted her gone.
She dropped her smile. "Actually, I came to ask you for help."
"Why would I ever help you?"
"Pretty please?" she begged. "Don't you want to take down Catwoman?"
That got his attention. "You'll help me catch her? I thought you were friends."
"Oh, not any more!" Harley tried to stand up, but bumped her head on the roof and fell back into her seat. "After what she did to me, we are so over."
He almost didn't want to know. Harley Quinn-Catwoman beef might be something he should just stay out of. But if Harley would help him finally get Catwoman... "What did she do?"
Harley pointed into the camera, sparkles surrounding her. She winked as she cried, "cue flashback!"
[A montage begins, showing Past Harley while Present Harley narrates.]
"It all started about a year ago..."
[Harley Quinn is walking past a jewelry store. A diamond encrusted bracelet in the window catches her eye.]
"It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I never wanted anything in my life more than that bracelet. I decided I was going to steal it."
[Scenes flash in short montage of Harley trying to break into the jewelry store. Each attempt is thwarted by a more absurd security feature.]
"My usual style is to smash the store up. These guys had some special measures against that— lasers, spikes, a whole herd of hippos. It's like they knew I was trying to steal from them! This bracelet was playing hard to get."
[A defeated-looking Harley passes by the jewelry store, glancing longingly through the window. Sad music plays.]
"I was about to give up, when I had a genius idea. I was going to get my hands on those diamonds no matter what, even if it meant doing things the old fashioned way."
[Another montage of Harley walking dogs, mowing lawns, and delivering pizza begins to play. She is paid in huge stacks of cash. The final scene is Harley standing in a giant pile of hundred dollar bills and throwing a handful in the air.]
"I made bank! I briefly thought about taking Ivy on a nice vacation or putting down a down payment on a house, but I still had my heart set on that bracelet."
[Harley is wearing a black and red evening gown. On her left wrist is the bracelet. She holds up her wrist and winks at the camera.]
"Finally, the bracelet was mine. I named her Jessica and wore her everywhere."
[Lightening flashes, backlighting a greenhouse. The scene cuts to inside. Harley and Poison Ivy are passed out on the couch. Catwoman snatches the bracelet off the end table.]
"Then, tragedy struck. Jessica was gone, and I had only Catwoman to blame."
[The flashback dissolves. It is now the present again.]
"How do you know she stole it if you were asleep?" Batman asked dryly.
"I called all of my friends and now ex-friends to ask them to keep an eye out for it. When I called Catwoman, she confessed."
"And now you want me to help you get your bracelet back."
"I want justice!" She pounded her fist on the dash for emphasis. "But also, yeah. I want Jessica back."
He sighed. "I don't know, Harley." It had been a long night.
"But, you have to help me," she pleaded. "I earned that bracelet fair and square. I have the law on my side!" She stood up and hit her head on the roof again.
He thought about it. Eventually, he would need to bring Catwoman in. If this were another villain, he would not even entertain the idea of a team-up. Harley was as unpredictable as the others, but she had always been more genuine in her intentions. He hesitated because he didn't want to risk making the situation worse.
"Pretty please?" She batted her eyes. "I know where Catwoman's hideout is."
Batman sighed. "Fine. We start tomorrow at sunset. Meet me back here."
"Yes!" She leapt in her seat, bonking her head again. "Ow!"
"See you then," he repeated, wanting her to get out of the car so he could go home and sleep.
"I won't let you down, Batsie," she promised as she backed out of the car.
Batman started the car and sped away as soon as she was out, mildly afraid that she would try to climb back in. When he got back to the Batcave, Alfred was waiting for him.
"You were delayed, sir. Is everything alright?" Alfred inquired.
Bruce sighed, tossing his mask and cape back into the car. He collapsed in a chair. "Catwoman got away again, and I might have made a terrible decision."
Alfred scooped up the cape and folded it neatly. "Oh dear. What is it this time?"
"Harley Quinn wants to help me catch Catwoman so she can get a bracelet back."
"You said no, right?" Seeing Bruce's face, Alfred frowned. "You're right that it's a bad idea. Are you sure you want to go through with it?"
"This is my only lead on Catwoman. I just don't have a choice this time."
"But do you really think you can trust Harley Quinn?"
Bruce considered it. "Yes. I think I can trust her more than any of the other villains I've fought."
Alfred made a face. "Well, that does not inspire much confidence."
The next evening, Batman drove to the alley where he had arranged to meet Harley. She wasn't there yet when he pulled up. Still wary of his new ally, he got out of the car to watch for her arrival.
"Hello, Bats." Harley's voice rang in the alley, forced lower in an attempt to be mysterious. A figure moved in the shadow of the dumpster.
"I don't have the patience for this, Harley."
She jumped out with a confetti cannon in her hand. "Not to worry, Batman, for Harley Quinn is here to aid you in your quest to defeat the evil Catwoman!" she cried, and fired the cannon. Confetti flew everywhere.
Batman took in her outfit. She had made a cape and cowl identical to his, except that hers was half red and covered in sequins. "Really?"
"You like it? I thought since we were working together we should match." She swished the cape. "And here, I brought you a gift."
This time when she pulled back her cape, he could see two baseball bats hanging from her belt. One was her regular one. She grabbed the other and handed it to Batman. It was solid black, except that she had painted his logo on the side.
"I call it the bat-bat. Get it? Batman, batmobile, bat-bat..."
"I get it." He was realizing that for this team up to go smoothly, he was going to have to let her have a little fun. As long as it was harmless. "Thank you."
"Catsie doesn't stand a chance against the dark knight," she pointed to Batman, "and the sparkle knight! That's me."
"Let's get going."
She ran in front of him and jumped in the driver's seat. "I always wanted to drive this thing."
The little patience he had for her was quickly evaporating. "That's my seat."
"Pretty pl—"
"No, Harley."
She made a pouty face, then somersaulted into the passenger's seat. "Fine, but I get to pick the music."
"No music." Batman slid into the driver's seat and started the car. "We need to listen to the police scanners for reports of Catwoman."
"Hmp." Harley slouched in her seat.
After about an hour of Batman listening to the police scanners and Harley pouting, they got something.
"Break-in at Gotham Museum of Fine Arts," the police reported.
"Finally," Harley grumbled.
Batman stepped on the gas, and they sped toward the museum. "I wonder what Catwoman is up to. She's already stolen all the cat-themed artwork and nothing else at the museum fits her profile."
"My bracelet wasn't cat-themed," Harley pointed out. "Maybe it's just to get under your skin."
"Maybe." He had to admit, it was a good theory.
When they got to the museum, Harley volunteered to stay in the car. Batman thought that was probably a good idea, so he went in alone.
The only sign that something was wrong in the museum was the alarms. Everything else was untouched, as was Catwoman's usual stealthy style. Batman headed for the area where the alarm had been triggered.
When he arrived, Catwoman was on her way out.
"Stop right there," he ordered.
She froze, hanging halfway out a hole she had cut in the wall. "Batman?" she purred. "So you do care. I thought you were going to stand me up."
"Hand over the... thing you stole."
She slid back down to the floor. "Search me," she taunted, spreading her empty hands to the side. Batman couldn't see anything in her pockets, either.
"You didn't take anything. Then why break in?"
"Oh, I was just window shopping."
He was starting to think that Harley was right; Catwoman was just doing this for attention.
"Then you're under arrest for breaking and entering."
She smirked. "Gotta catch me first."
He watched as she crossed her arms and fell backward out of the hole. When he looked down, she was gone.
"Harley," he said, calling through the speakers in the Batmobile, "you said you know where Catwoman's secret hideout is, right?"
There was no response, and Batman realized he was really stupid to believe that Harley was actually going to wait in the car.
He slipped out the hole that Catwoman had made, looking for any sign of her as he rappelled down to the street. She couldn't have just disappeared, but again, it seemed she had. All of her latest break-ins had been like this: when Batman showed up, she disappeared without a trace. He was getting tired of it.
Harley was not in the car. Batman scanned the street, looking for signs of her. Just when he was about to go back in the museum to see if she had followed him, she came out of the Party City across the street.
"Hiya, Bats! Is it time to go?"
"What are you doing?" he growled.
Harley glanced over her shoulder at the Party City. She had smashed one of the windows to get in, and the alarms were blaring. Her arms were loaded with plastic bags full of junk.
"Just stocking up on supplies. I'm gonna need a few things to kick Catwoman's tail."
"Get in the car."
She did, depositing her bags in the back seat. "So where are we going?"
"You tell me." Batman started the car. "You said you know where Catwoman's hideout is."
"Yessir, I sure do. Does the Batmobile have a gps? I'll type in the address for you."
He tapped on the screen and pulled it up for her. She typed it in, and he looked at it in surprised.
"Catwoman lives in a warehouse by the docks?"
Harley cackled. "No, silly! I don't know where she lives, but this is her hideout. Like where she keeps her gear and her stolen stuff and makes all her plans. Trust me, she'll be there."
Despite his hesitations, Batman put the car in drive and sped down to the docks.
"You go on inside," Harley said when they'd parked. "Once you start your fight, drive her out to me. I got a little surprise for her."
Batman nodded. That seemed like a decent plan; Catwoman didn't know Harley was working with him, so they could catch her off guard. Plus Batman kind of wanted to see what was in the Party City bags.
He stepped out onto the sidewalk and took in the scene. It wasn't the biggest warehouse by the docks, but it was the right size for storage, as Harley had said. There was a sleek black Tesla parked on the curb, with a cat sticker on the back bumper. Definitely Catwoman's car.
The windows were blocked, so Batman did a quick thermal scan of the building. There was only one warm figure inside, who he guessed was Catwoman. After thinking for a moment, he decided to go in through the roof.
He used a laser cutter to slice a hole right above Catwoman, then fell silently behind her.
"I didn't expect to see you again tonight." She set down a mug of what he guessed was coffee and turned to face him. "So tell me, how did you find my secret hideout."
He narrowed his eyes. "I'm Batman."
She nodded. "World's greatest detective, right. Unfortunately, I'm having some me time and I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"I'm here to bring you to justice," he said. She had to know that he wasn't just going to walk away.
She rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll show you out then."
Catwoman raised her claw and slashed at Batman. As he moved to block her blow, she smirked and stepped to the side, missing him. When he turned to punch her, she was gone.
He paused, listening for footsteps or anything to indicate where she had gone. There was no sign of her until he felt her cold metal claws raking down his back.
"Ah!" he cried.
Catwoman cackled, and Batman figured out what was going on.
"Personal cloaking device. That's how you keep escaping without a trace."
She shimmered back into view, standing in front of him. "Neat trick, isn't it? Can't catch someone you can't see."
Then she vanished again.
It was Batman's turn to smirk. He switched his mask to thermal vision again. This time, when Catwoman lashed her claws toward him, he caught her wrist. Her shocked expression didn't show on thermal, but he could imagine it.
"I have a few neat tricks of my own," he said, then hurdled her toward the front door.
Catwoman landed hard. Batman heard something electronic break, and she shimmered back into view. She pushed herself up to her feet and pulled the broken device off her wrist. It must have been the cloaking device.
"Oh, well," she sighed. "It was fun while it lasted, but I do prefer to do things the old fashioned way."
She ran at him. He remembered Harley was outside waiting, and charged her. He tackled her around the waist and shoved her out the front door. They flew off their hinges and Batman landed on top of Catwoman. He slid to his feet quickly. Catwoman stood too, rubbing her head. She turned to the street, where Batman was looking.
Harley was sitting on the hood of the Tesla, legs crossed and baseball bat in hand. She waved to Catwoman.
"Hey, Catsie. 'Member me?"
"Harley?" Catwoman asked in disbelief.
Harley cackled and pushed a button. She slid off the hood of the car as a Taylor Swift song blasted from a speaker.
"Cause baby now we got bad blood," she sang along as she smashed her baseball bat through the windshield of the Tesla. A confetti cannon fired behind her.
"No!" Catwoman screamed. "Why are you doing this?"
Harley kept singing. "You know it used to be mad love!" She smashed another window.
Catwoman shrieked in pain as Harley destroyed her beloved car. Another confetti cannon went off, showering her and Batman in tinsel.
"So take a look what you've done!"
Catwoman turned to Batman and pointed at Harley. "Do something!"
"Cause baby now we've got bad blood, hey!"
Batman didn't move.
"This is revenge, sweet stuff," Harley shouted, taking her bat to the passenger's door this time. More confetti exploded, and the song continued to play in the background.
"For what?" Catwoman screamed.
"Stealing my bracelet! Give it back or else I’ll blow this place!"
Harley held up another button. This one looked suspiciously like a bomb trigger.
Catwoman laughed dryly. "I see what's going on here. You sold me out to Batman. That's low, Harley."
"Not as low as stealing Jessica." Harley's eyes streamed with tears.
Catwoman hesitated, and Batman could sense that she was starting to feel a little bad. "Look, Harls, I'll give the bracelet back. I didn't know it meant that much to you, I just wanted a little payback for this."
She pointed to the graffiti on the front of her warehouse. Batman had originally passed it off as regular vandalism. Now that he was looking, he could see that it was a portrait of Harley and Ivy sticking out their tongues. He turned to Harley.
"You didn't mention that she stole the bracelet as payback."
"It doesn't matter," Harley cried. Her eyes were getting red. "Are you gonna help me or not, Batman?"
He sighed. "Okay, we can settle this without violence. Harley, give me the trigger. Catwoman, go get the bracelet."
Harley sniffled and handed it over. Catwoman stepped back into the warehouse and returned with the bracelet. She handed it to Batman.
"Okay, now I'm gonna give Harley the bracelet and Catwoman the trigger."
He made the swap. Catwoman shoved the trigger into her pocket and Harley slipped the bracelet safely onto her wrist.
"Everyone's good?"
Harley nodded, wiping her eyes. "Sorry about your car, Cats."
"Don't be sorry." She put a hand on her hip, a sly smile across her face. "At least, not until I get my revenge."
Just then, a squad of police cars rolled up, lights and sirens blaring.
"Hm." Catwoman shifted. "Looks like it's time to go. If only someone hadn't destroyed my getaway car."
"You're not getting away this time," Batman said. When Harley stuck out her tongue, he added, "neither of you."
"What!" she screeched. "But we're working together! It's a team-up! We have matching outfits!"
"We both got what we wanted. The team-up is over. And you broke in to Party City."
Harley tried to run, but Batman snapped a cuff on her wrist. He snapped the other half onto Catwoman's.
"Oh, come on!" Catwoman complained. "Haven't I been tormented enough for one night?"
Suddenly, Harley grinned maniacally. She grabbed her phone and turned up the volume on the music.
"Band-aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show. If you live like that, you live with ghosts."
Batman looked up to the roof where Harley was staring. Poison Ivy was standing on the edge, surrounded by flowers, her face lit by a police search light. She extended a hand, sending down a vine. It snapped the cuffs tying Batman's prisoners together, then wrapped around Harley and lifted her up.
"What about me!" Catwoman called desperately.
Harley stuck her tongue out again. "So long, Cats. Bye-bye, Batsie, and keep the cape. You just got gotten, you dirty double-crosser!"
She ripped off her sequin encrusted cloak and tossed it to the ground. It landed on Catwoman's face as Harley landed delicately beside Ivy.
"Perfect timing as always, Ives," Harley said, batting her eyes at Ivy.
"Thanks, Harls. And thank you, Batman," Ivy called, her voice cool as ever. "This meant a lot to Harley. But now it's time for us to go."
They both took off running along the rooftop, toward the water. Batman sprinted after them until the edge of the pier. They were already away, speeding across the water in a boat of Ivy's seaweed. Harley flipped him off with both hands, her diamond bracelet glinting as the two super villains disappeared into the darkness.
Batman trudged back to the street, where the police had Catwoman face down on the hood of a police car.
"Something’s not right," he said to himself. Had he missed something?
As the police snapped handcuffs around Catwoman’s wrists, the remote trigger fell from her pocket. How could Batman have forgotten the bomb?
"There’s a bomb in the building!" he shouted to the cops.
They looked up, surprised. Catwoman tried to slip away, but Batman caught her wrist. He tugged her to the other side of the car just as the warehouse exploded. Harley must have wired a second detonator.
The explosion cleared, and the police radioed dispatch for a fire truck. Batman handed over Catwoman, and an officer escorted her to her ride.
"I hope this was all worth it to you," she spat at him as they pushed her into the back seat.
He didn't reply, just slid into the Batmobile. The seat let out a farting noise as he sat down. He sighed, and removed the whoopie cushion. Then he noticed that the entire inside of the car was spray-painted pink, and the back seat was soaked in silly string. On the passenger's seat, it said, "Harley wuz here ;p"
"Never again," Batman said to himself as he sped toward the Batcave.
This was the last time he was underestimating Harley Quinn, and definitely the last time he was working with her.