Work Text:
Music was all Kim Raebin had ever known.
Endless notes on a single page as variations of colors weaved their way through every individual chord, dynamics that could be as dulcet as the sound of rain hitting against a car window, or as sharp as the sound of thunder which dared to overpower those very raindrops—he had it all figured out. Each melody came and went through his ears as an alluring lullaby, and he let himself bask in every piece no matter how much he regretted creating them or adored them to bits.
Because there were traces of himself left between every phrase; his endless hours spent in the darkness were disguised as the tempo, speeding up to only fall back down again. The sound of the bass carried his blood, his sweat, his tears. Time that was spent or arguably wasted lingered on the tips of his fingers as he used them to shoo the drowsiness away. Each strum of a guitar or key on a piano was nothing but a reminder of his own heart, torn out and copy and pasted onto a nearly dead laptop.
It hurt sometimes, of course it did, but it was okay. Because he was used to this. It was easy.
It was all he knew.
Which was why he had no idea what to do when the pace of his heart quickened from something other than composing a really good song. Nights that were usually reserved for tapping his fingers rhythmically against his desk while mindlessly playing his keyboard slowly began to develop into staring at his phone screen while waiting for a certain text. Waiting for a certain someone.
He couldn’t adjust his heart like he would a simple tune. He couldn’t hit the backspace button on his laptop to start over again. No matter how hard he tried to forget, to run away, he ended up at the same place every time.
It was as if he was finding his escape through a maze, except this maze had no beginning or end—no exit.
That was why he was now slumped over, repeatedly banging his head against his desk. Because maybe things would get sorted out and he’d go back to normal if he somehow suffered from selective amnesia.
Kim Raebin was in love with his best friend.
—
It was a simple story, really.
Kim Raebin had first met him in high school when he was introduced to the class as the new student who had come from America. Naturally, his bright red hair caught everyone’s attention. Is this even allowed at school? he had thought.
He was convinced that this would be the first and last time he’d pay any mind to the new student. It was clear from the moment he walked in that the two lived in very, very different worlds.
Kim Raebin was a quiet guy who didn’t speak unless spoken to, and the new kid had a bright aura surrounding him that made everyone naturally gravitate toward him. In a way, they were complete opposites.
However, some things usually didn’t play out the way one expected them to.
“Hello!”
“...”
“Helllooooo?”
“... Are you talking to me?”
“Yes! I’m Cha Eugene! Let’s be friends!”
“What?”
“What’s your name? Can I sit next to you? Wow! Are those piercings on your ears?”
Cha Eugene. Understandably, Kim Raebin’s first impression of him wasn’t very good. He was loud, asked too many questions, and was hard to understand in the first place because of his somewhat broken Korean.
Nevertheless, Kim Raebin was somehow drawn to him as time went on. It wasn’t because of the way he excitedly ran to him whenever he learned a new word, or because of the way they bickered over the smallest things. Rather, it was because Cha Eugene was like a pure melody. He was stupidly honest with everything and was genuinely happy with every situation that came to be. Like Cha Eugene was his muse and the melody that followed him was an addictive song, Kim Raebin wanted to hear more. He wanted to unpack that song himself, put it on repeat, crank it up to the highest volume and find out elements that others had yet to notice.
“Kim Raebin. Raebin. Let’s hang out after this, okay? Like a date!”
Kim Raebin thought that Cha Eugene would dial it down once they graduated but to his avail, there was no such thing. He was still an idiot who didn’t know how to use his words (or his brain) sparingly.
But it was okay. He could handle this much. After all, they were just really, really close friends, right? Which was why he stayed silent.
He stayed silent as he currently watched Cha Eugene dancing, his body gracefully piercing through the air as he hit every beat in the accompaniment. He stayed silent as the other boy made eye contact with him through the mirrors of the choreography room and smiled, which was probably the prettiest smile he had ever seen in his life. Even as three certain words were itching to be said out loud on the tip of his tongue, he stayed silent. Even though it felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his heart was about to fall straight to the pit of his stomach, he stayed silent. Because losing his friend—his best friend—over something so trivial would tear him apart.
“Did you like it? I looked so cool, right?”
“Yes,” Kim Raebin replied softly, his eyes looking everywhere besides the spot where the voice came from. “You did.”
Kim Raebin wasn’t an arsonist, but, hell, he’d burn these feelings to the ground with his hands if he could.
—
Kim Raebin lets himself stare at Cha Eugene, who was now sprawled on the couch in Kim Raebin’s apartment. He had been coming over so often that he practically lived there.
He lets himself look at his messy hair, the way he hugged a pillow and buried his face into it, the way his fingers were slightly fiddling with the strings on his hoodie… Which was actually Kim Raebin’s hoodie because god forbid he brings his own clothes every time he slept over.
He wants . He wants to see Cha Eugene’s big smile, the one where his teeth poked through and looked like dull fangs. He wants to run his fingers through his hair; he wants to hold his hand—maybe intertwine their fingers and swing their arms back and forth. He wants Cha Eugene’s obliviously flirtatious remarks that were probably jokes to be real.
But maybe this was more than enough. More than he could ever ask for.
Because this was what Kim Raebin was used to. It was like a daily routine, an everyday schedule that he knew by heart. Yes, this was his normal. Normal in the way that things would feel stranger if he didn’t have a certain red-haired boy right by his ear all the time.
“Listen, Raebin. I think you should compose a song for me that I can use for my dance!” Cha Eugene cheered as he sat up and shook the younger boy’s shoulders.
“I told you that I don’t have time for that! You can’t always get whatever you want. If you want a song so badly, then you have to pay for one like everyone else does, you can’t just—” Kim Raebin began his usual lecture before being interrupted.
“Shut up! I shouldn’t have asked. Kim Raebin’s being mean again— Ow!” Cha Eugene winced as he felt his ear being pinched with full force.
The two of them began to have what felt like an all-out brawl, which consisted of pillow-throwing, kicking, yelling, and tickling. Inevitably, it ended with Cha Eugene being on top of Kim Raebin, because, well, one was a dancer and the other was a mere music producer.
Cha Eugene leaned in closer, enough for their noses to almost touch, and directly looked into the other’s eyes before an annoying grin flashed by on his face.
“Haha! Say you surrender now, idiot Kim Raebin!” he giggled mischievously, hands slowly moving toward Kim Raebin’s stomach, threatening to tickle him again.
Kim Raebin didn’t reply or breathe.
Too close.
He’s too close.
His thoughts replayed over and over again like a broken record.
His eyes were probably about to pop out of his head at this point, and his mouth was definitely wide open. He probably looked like a fool. After all, he felt like one.
All he could hear was the sound of his own heart as he tried to spit out any sort of response. Anything. Of course, it was far too late.
Cha Eugene’s face turned into one of worry rather quickly as soon as he sensed that something wasn’t right. He slowly got off of Kim Raebin and took a few moments to gather his words before speaking.
“Are you okay?” he asked slowly while grabbing both of Kim Raebin’s hands and pulling him upright.
That act in and of itself was enough to completely shut his brain down, throwing out all thoughts he had left straight out the door.
“Huh? I-I’m okay!” he said a little too loudly, which he immediately regretted after seeing the frown deepen on Cha Eugene’s face.
“Okay… I’m sorry, Kim Raebin…” he murmured dejectedly. “I won’t tickle you again, so don’t be mad, got it?”
The response came back in a heartbeat. “I’m not mad. It’s okay, really.”
He’s got it completely wrong.
Cha Eugene squinted his eyes, clearly not convinced. He continued to thoroughly inspect Kim Raebin as if an answer would magically appear out of thin air.
If Kim Raebin’s face wasn’t red before, it sure as hell was now. He prayed that Cha Eugene wouldn’t notice.
Because he never had. For two years, he had never noticed. He had never noticed the way Kim Raebin’s eyes always searched for his, even in the midst of a crowded room. He had never noticed the way Kim Raebin would give in to each and every one of his wants, nor the way he would make up lies and overexaggerate his stories just to get a reaction out of him—to see his eyes widen and for him to ask, What happened after that?
If Cha Eugene was the sun, then Kim Raebin was nothing more than a half-dead plant rooted deep in the ground, yearning for rays of light even though it could completely wither away from them.
He was selfish. Very, very selfish.
For once, Kim Raebin was glad that Cha Eugene was oblivious.
—
A mellow sound rang through Kim Raebin’s headphones as he tapped away on his laptop.
More often than not, he found it hard to sleep at reasonable hours when he still had unfinished drafts, which was why he was staring blankly at a dim screen past midnight.
He closed his eyes, imagining the various ways he could arrange his next song, treating it as if he was putting together pieces of a puzzle. However, this process quickly ended because of the constant buzzing from the phone near his arm.
Clearly, there was only one person that would still be up at this hour.
He sighed begrudgingly before checking his lock screen.
Cha Eugene (coolest best friend in the whole world!)
7 messages
Kim Raebin’s eye twitched as he looked at the contact name which was clearly chosen by the culprit himself. As much as he acted like he disliked it, he couldn’t bring himself to change it.
Cha Eugene (coolest best friend in the whole world!):
kijmr raebin
you
im cold :( hey
:(
raebin
idiot kim raebin
ihate. you
Kim Raebin:
Eugene? What?
Are you okay?
Cha Eugene (coolest best friend in the whole world!) has shared their location with you
Kim Raebin immediately stopped what he was doing, grabbed his jacket, and bolted straight out the door. Even though Cha Eugene was only ten minutes away by foot, he picked up his pace.
He came to a stop once he realized that he made it to Cha Eugene’s said location. It was the park that they always frequented whenever they hung out. He tilted his head in confusion before continuing the search for his friend.
Soon enough, he was met face-to-face with Cha Eugene.
Except Cha Eugene’s cheeks were completely flushed red and his eyes were half-closed as he swung back and forth on an old, creaky swing.
“Cha Eugene! You— Have you been drinking?” Kim Raebin frowned as he walked closer.
“I’m cold… Gimme your jacket…” the other boy whispered, gently tugging on Kim Raebin’s arm.
Kim Raebin hated himself for thinking that Cha Eugene looked a little cute at that moment. And as he always did, he gave in to whatever Cha Eugene wanted. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around the cold, shivering person.
He bent his knees to get a better look at Cha Eugene, whose body was slumped over, about to fall asleep.
“What were you going to do if I never saw your texts? Do you know how dangerous—”
“Did ya know, Kim Raebin? Lately, I’ve been… feelin' weird…” Cha Eugene spoke between hiccups, slightly slurring his words. “I was at a party with Sejin-hyung ‘n the others… but— but it wasn’t as fun as usual. ‘Cause I missed you… a whole lot. Don’t laugh at me, ‘kay?”
Kim Raebin short-circuited. He felt his knees completely going weak as an unreadable expression made its way across his face. One, two, three, he thought in his head as he tried to count his own breaths, one, two, three. Although it was freezing outside, Kim Raebin’s face was on fire.
He immediately shook his head as he tried to get rid of whatever feelings he had. Cha Eugene was drunk. He wasn’t in his right mind.
This isn’t real.
Kim Raebin shook Cha Eugene’s shoulders until he was somewhat awake again. “I-I’ll take you home. Let’s go,” he reached his hand out, offering it to Cha Eugene.
“No!” Cha Eugene shouted. “Home. I… want to go with you, please?” he took Kim Raebin’s hand as he slowly stood up from the swing, almost losing his balance.
No, you can’t. You shouldn’t.
“Fine,” Kim Raebin replied after a long period of silence. That wasn’t what he wanted to say.
An empty-headed grin was plastered on Cha Eugene’s face as he cheered to himself, tightening the grip on Kim Raebin’s hand. It seemed that he had no plans of letting go. Kim Raebin was going to lose his mind.
“Hmm. You must be cold,” he had muttered before putting their interlaced hands in the pocket of the jacket that Kim Raebin had given to him a few minutes prior. “Your face— it’s all red, haha!”
Right. Cha Eugene was stupid.
“No, it’s not!”
“Okay, it’s not…”
After that, the both of them walked in complete and utter silence. Except for the occasional times when Cha Eugene bumped into Kim Raebin’s shoulder and grimaced because he simply could not walk in a straight line.
Kim Raebin was lost in thought. He realized this situation was taking a turn for the worst.
He was holding Cha Eugene’s hand.
Sure, this didn’t seem like a huge deal, but to Kim Raebin, it was something he had never imagined would happen. It was something he had only yearned for— wished for.
But he never thought about what would happen after that. What would happen after these small, harmless wishes of his came true? Would he be satisfied with just that? Or would he want more? Would greed overwhelm his mind? He didn’t want to know the answers to any of these things. Staying as friends was enough.
Which was why he tried to let go of Cha Eugene’s hand. Tried.
“Kim Raebin,” the owner of the hand started speaking before he could do anything. “Again… You’re deep in thought! What are you always thinking about? Oh, it’s always a sad look too… Don’t be sad! Cheer up!” Cha Eugene nodded his head before squeezing Kim Raebin’s hand.
He stayed quiet, holding eye contact with Cha Eugene. He was completely astonished.
The red-haired boy continued chattering on. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you, it’ll be okay. Everything will turn out fine. ‘Kay?” he spoke with a determined look on his face.
“... Thank you.”
Cha Eugene simply laughed in response. His pretty eyes disappeared into crescents as the smile lingered on his face afterward.
It was quite endearing, but Kim Raebin would never admit that.
Oddly enough, it felt like he could breathe again.
—
Kim Raebin had expected this, but ever since that day, things felt… different.
At least, that was the case for him. The other party that was involved, however, still acted the same as usual. Of course, this was to be expected. It was Cha Eugene he was talking about, after all.
It was an oh-so-very cold December night, and the streets were packed with people dressed in all sorts of warm winter clothing to battle the cold. This included Kim Raebin and Cha Eugene, who both wore thick scarves that almost entirely covered the bottom half of their faces.
“Look, Kim Raebin! Let’s eat that!” Cha Eugene yelled excitedly while grabbing Kim Raebin’s arm and dragging him away without even hearing his response.
Kim Raebin nearly bumped into a person and fell flat on his face. “Hey!”
This had been going on for almost two hours now, and he was convinced that they were both about to completely go bankrupt from how much money they had spent this night alone. Somehow, he didn’t mind that much. It was fun.
Kim Raebin crossed his arms and watched as Cha Eugene made small talk with the owner of the food stall before walking back over to where Kim Raebin was, a chicken skewer in his hand.
“Sorry, Raebin. They only had one left. Let’s share!”
“Huh? No, you can have it all, it’s fine—”
Cha Eugene brought the skewer up to Kim Raebin’s mouth with furrowed brows. “Eat,” he said seriously. He was very passionate about food.
Kim Raebin felt his face getting warmer. He was glad that it was cold out so he had an excuse to make if he was questioned… or teased.
He quickly shook his head to erase the unnecessary thoughts before leaning down and taking a bite, refusing to make eye contact with the person who was still staring at him intensely.
“It’s good, right?” Cha Eugene spoke before he could even swallow the food.
“Yes,” muttered Kim Raebin. He was very embarrassed.
He looked around at the countless waves of people who passed by the two as Cha Eugene continued feeding him, and he wondered, Does it look like we like each other to them?
His face was about to explode from the thought, so he had to quickly change the topic.
“Hey, Cha Eugene. Let’s go find a place to sit down!”
“What? Okay!”
Now it was Kim Raebin’s turn to grab Cha Eugene by the arm, pulling him toward a grassy area so he wouldn’t get distracted by any other food stalls. He expected Cha Eugene to protest, but weirdly enough, he stayed silent the whole time.
His neck hairs stood up as he felt a pair of eyes piercing through him. What?
Kim Raebin turned around to find Cha Eugene with furrowed brows, squinting intently at him.
“Wh—what?”
“It’s weird, Kim Raebin…”
“What is?”
“Nothing.”
Strange. Really, really strange.
There was an odd tension between the two as they held a mini staring contest, but Kim Raebin ended up being the first to look away. Because it was too strange.
Before he could even question Cha Eugene about his behavior, he felt something cold hit his face.
And then another.
And another.
Kim Raebin immediately jolted his head up to find thousands of snowflakes falling down. A blanket of pure white enveloped the world as they landed above the trees, on the concrete, and onto the faces of the dozens of people who looked up, curious. A gentle cascade from above, as if confetti was falling down from the moon above; like it was a celebration.
It was the first snowfall of the year.
Kim Raebin slowly turned his head to the boy who was standing next to him, awestruck by the view. As the snowflakes made their way down and landed perfectly on Cha Eugene’s eyelashes, he reached one of his hands out as well and watched as they melted as soon as they made contact with his skin. He grinned widely.
Cha Eugene reached out and pulled on Kim Raebin’s finger. “It’s the first snow! Isn’t it pretty?” he beamed as he leaned in excitedly.
All Kim Raebin could do was nod.
“Wow! I heard that you’re bound to stay together forever with whoever you spend the first snowfall with,” Cha Eugene added in.
“That’s only if you like them…” Kim Raebin exasperated weakly.
“But I do like you.”
“Not like that, Cha Eugene.”
“Not like what?” he pouted, his full attention on Kim Raebin.
“Not as a friend!” Kim Raebin raised his voice slightly, a frown beginning to form.
Cha Eugene raised his voice a notch higher. “Kim Raebin, are you stupid? Who said I liked you just as a friend?”
“What?”
Out of nowhere, Cha Eugene grabbed Kim Raebin’s hand and put it directly on top of his chest.
Kim Raebin was really about to faint.
“Don’t you feel that? It’s not normal, right?”
Kim Raebin had no idea what in the world Cha Eugene was talking about until he felt it.
His heartbeat.
It was beating just as fast as Kim Raebin’s, if not faster.
“Wh—”
“It’s always been like this! For a long time now. I thought it was because I was just very happy to be around you, but I guess that wasn’t the case, huh…” his words trailed off as he scratched the back of his neck. “It seems that I really, really like you, Kim Raebin.”
And suddenly, Kim Raebin really couldn’t focus on anything else besides Cha Eugene and his heartbeat.
He realized this wasn’t his imagination or a dream.
Ba-thump, ba-thump, ba-thump.
The feeling of his heart fluttering against Kim Raebin’s palm was very much real. It wasn’t a hallucination or some sick prank. Cha Eugene was so very warm.
Never in his life had he felt a melody so beautiful, one that wasn’t artificially created but was crafted with someone’s own warmth and love. He could try replicating it time and time again, but it would never come close. Not even the tiniest bit.
So, he said it. He said the words he had never said out loud before, but somehow, he was so familiar with them that it was as if they were carved into his brain and molded into his heart, made to be spoken into existence for this very moment.
“Cha Eugene,” he began, his face getting red again. “I really, really love you.”
Kim Raebin watched as Cha Eugene’s face lit up before returning to one of deep thought.
“Hey! That’s totally not fair! I would’ve said it first had I known you would’ve done something like this,” he complained while kicking Kim Raebin. “You know what? I’ll do you one better—”
Once again, Kim Raebin had no idea what Cha Eugene meant by this until he was tackled to the ground, landing on top of a small patch of snow that had formed. Cha Eugene pinned him down and cupped his cheeks as he was trying not to blow up on the spot. (Was he the only one getting a sense of déjà vu from this?)
Cha Eugene gently pressed their foreheads together before leaning down and giving Kim Raebin a quick peck on the lips.
“I love you even more,” Cha Eugene laughed, whispering against Kim Raebin’s lips.
The snowflakes continued to fall and grace over their bodies, whirling around as they shined against the glow of the moon.
This was their little secret, with only the snow as their witness.
Kim Raebin wasn’t one to wholeheartedly believe in myths, but maybe, maybe, they would stay together forever.