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Matthew was beyond excited. He and his best friend had signed up for the same survival show and now they would get to see each other almost every day. It had been awhile since he had spent good quality time with Hanbin hyung, considering that they were now at different companies and they had very different schedules. They tried their best to see each other but life would often get in the way.
But now, here they were, standing backstage together getting ready to go on for their individual Star Level tests. Hanbin was squeezing his hands tight, and offering words of reassurance in that gentle way of his.
“Seok Mae, don’t be worried. I have so much faith in you and your skills. You are going to do an amazing job.”
“Ah, thank you, hyung. You will, too. I know it. I just- I can’t help but be a little bit nervous, especially after watching some of those other performances.” He couldn’t help but think of that 16 year old’s free-style dance. All of that after only 1 year seemed crazy to him. Matthew knew he was a good dancer, but damn some of the boys here were extremely skilled.
“There’s definitely some impressive competition here,” Hanbin responded. Clearly someone had come to his mind. “But won’t that just make it all the more satisfying for us when we beat them and debut together?”
Matthew huffed out a nervous laugh. “You’re funny, hyung.”
Hanbin offered him a small smile as one of the stage managers informed him it was time to go on.
“You’ve got this, Seok Mae! Fighting!”
Overall, the stage went pretty well. Granted, his nervousness got the better of him and caused him to have a little bit of a brain fart, so he forgot how to speak French for a minute. But otherwise, the other contestants and the masters seemed fairly impressed. He had gotten complimented on his singing which definitely made him feel good. Sure, maybe he didn’t get All-Stars, but he had seen the harsh criticisms that some of the other stages had received, so he was honestly quite happy with his 3 stars. It gave him room to grow.
Hanbin’s stage was next. As expected, he did an amazing job. He definitely held his own in the waacking battle and then in his actual performance, he performed extremely stably. The masters gave him 3 stars cause they didn’t see his charms as much when he was performing, which Matthew thought was bull shit. But hey, it did give them a chance to spend more time together since they would be training in the same class.
-⟡-
They separated the Korean and Global trainees dorms, which Matthew also thought was bullshit. He knows M-Net is really pushing this K vs. G thing, but eventually the trainees would have to intermingle, so he doesn’t quite understand why they couldn’t start that now. But it’s fine, it’s whatever. It would give him a chance to get to know the people he would probably be on a team with in the near future missions.
He was currently assigned to room with Takuto, Ollie and Zhang Hao. The Yuehua trainees had dropped off their stuff and went to look for the other trainees from their agency, so it was just him and Takuto currently. The kid was cute, probably not who Matthew would have chosen to hang out with, but he made for nice quiet company. It gave him time to think.
Now that this whole process was finally starting, everything felt more real. He realized just how badly he wanted it. He wanted to debut, and he wanted to do it with Hanbin. He knows that Hanbin is already popular in Korea. He had seen some posts on social media of people asking for others to support him once the show airs. But Matthew is not as well known, which means that he would have to work even harder to get that recognition and acclaim. He had to get All-Stars.
-⟡-
Matthew was this close to taking a drill to his head and giving himself a lobotomy. If he never heard the chorus to “Here I Am” again, it would still be too soon. Every time he had even a second of silence for himself, his brain would unhelpfully supply him with the memory of “나, 너라서 빛나 (난 빛나)” blasting through the tinny speakers of the humid training room on repeat.
His muscles hurt like a bitch from the seemingly endless dance training. He was so exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Literally any way that you could be exhausted he was. He wanted nothing more than to just lie down and fall asleep. It didn’t even matter where. Guaranteed, Matthew could lie down in the middle of the dorm hallways and enter a deep REM cycle.
But, then Hanbin would nudge him and whisper some silly little joke and he would remember all the reasons why he was doing this. So he pushed through, and worked his ass off. And by God, it worked. During the reassignment, he had gotten All-Stars! And so did Hanbin! So now they were practicing together with the All-Stars for the performance video.
Matthew hadn’t been chosen by the other G-group trainees to be the center. He was a little bit disappointed, but he really hadn’t been expecting it. He was happy though because Zhang Hao, who he voted for, got it. He and Zhang Hao had gotten to know each other pretty well. They had been spending a lot of time together, considering the fact that they shared a room, and practiced in the same level. Hao was nice, perhaps a little quiet at first, definitely more reserved than some of the other trainees, but really nice. It’s not like he was unapproachable, he just seemed a little distracted and in his own head sometimes, but he was a good hyung.
So he was happy for Zhang Hao. Perhaps a little jealous that he and Hanbin hyung were the ones that got to come up on the platform together, and had a special little moment in the song together. But, he got to stand right next to them for most of the performance, so it was okay. He would work his way up.
-⟡-
To be honest, Matthew was a little bit shocked when Keita chose him for his team. And Keita had chosen him first. So yeah, definitely honored but also a little shocked. But, as Matthew watched Keita choose the other members and then confidently announce that the team was complete, he couldn’t help the excitement that was growing. He knew that their team had this in the bag. He wasn’t cocky or anything like that, but the members in their group had a lot of popularity and many of them were All-Stars or at least had been at one point. He knew that there was always a chance that the Korean trainees that they go against have a big fanbase, but still. He couldn’t help the anticipation and pride that swelled in his chest. He was certain that he was one step closer to debut.
-⟡-
Matthew was settling down for bed when the door slammed open.
“Oh! Gyuvin?” The tall boy looked a little bit like a Sim as he stood staring at Matthew, a slight flush of embarrassment across his cheeks. Matthew couldn’t help but laugh at the other’s cuteness.
Gyuvin peered into the bathroom as he asked, “Where’s Zhang Hao hyung?”
“Huh? Zhang Hao? I have no idea.” Gyuvin barely heard Matthew, as he was already halfway out the door. Clearly, he was on some sort of mission.
“Matthew!” A familiar voice called. Matthew saw Hanbin taking off his shoes to walk further into the room. “Say hi to me.”
“Hyung!”
Hanbin laughed as he jogged through the room, the hair that was not matted down with sweat, bouncing up and down with each step. He quickly climbed up the ladder and sat at the edge of Matthew’s top bunk.
“Matthew, you should welcome me! I missed you, Seok Mae-yah.” He was holding some sort of granola bar in one hand, but the other reached out to grab Matthew’s hand. Being separated into K and G, and doing different songs, meant that they hadn’t seen each other as much as when they were training for Here I Am. Of course, Matthew had missed Hanbin as well, but practicing really had taken up so much of his energy and attention, that he barely had time to see anyone but his own teammates. “I missed you so much,” the older said in earnest.
“Why did you stop by so late?” Matthew wondered aloud, but someone was passing by the open door and had caught Hanbin’s attention.
“Hello!”
Matthew heard Chen Kuan Jui’s high-pitched, “Hello!” before he actually saw the man. Said man scurried excitedly into the room towards Hanbin and Matthew. He greeted Matthew, as Hanbin tried to make conversation, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you! Which team are you on?”
“We’re on the same team,” Matthew told him, as Kuan Jui huffed out an exasperated sigh and dramatically walked away.
Hanbin started immediately apologizing, first in Korean then Mandarin, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Seriously! I’m so sorry! Sorry!” Matthew couldn’t help but laugh as he watched his friend profusely apologize, and his teammate crouch to the floor in disappointment. Hanbin tried to explain himself, “I mean, you’re not in this room! Right? You and this guy… Hao hyung!”
Matthew watched as Hanbin’s eyes lit up as he saw the older Chinese man walk into the room with his giant puffy coat on.
“Why are you guys here?” Drawing out the last syllable as he shuffled over to the group.
“He forgot what team I’m on,” Kuan Jui informed Hao, like he was tattle-tailing to a teacher. Zhang Hao took a second to process as he looked at Hanbin, but then his eyes flitted with recognition.
“Oh! You also have this!” He came closer as he pointed at Hanbin’s injection scars.
“Zhang Hao has a scar like that,” Kuan Jui stated.
“You and I have a lot in common,” Hanbin joked, a sly smile on his face. The two Chinese men chuckled, Zhang Hao flashing a coy look at the camera in the corner, but Matthew could only watch. It was interesting. Matthew knows his friend very well, and Hanbin usually jokes around, but not like this. He would have to mention it later.
The group chatted a little while longer about practice and other things until Matthew suddenly remembered, “Oh, Zhang Hao, Gyuvin was looking for you. Don’t know why, but it seemed pretty urgent.”
Zhang Hao sighed and rolled his eyes, and with a concealed fond smile, stated, “I don’t think I even want to know what trouble he’s gotten himself into now, but I should probably go look for him.”
“I’ll walk out with you, Hao hyung,” Hanbin offered, ears tinged a deep red. “I need to go shower anyway.”
“Alright.”
“We’ll talk again soon, Seok Mae,” Hanbin said with a smile, and a soft pat to Matthew’s arm. As he was climbing down the ladder, Keita walked in, Jay trailing behind him.
“Leaving right as I walk in?” Keita teased, a broad smile on his face.
“Gyuvin,” Zhang Hao offered, as a way of explanation, patting Keita and Jay on the shoulders in greeting as he made for the door.
“Oh, yeah. You should definitely go find him. He was running around, screaming his head off for you when I saw him earlier.”
“Oh, great.” Matthew watched as Hanbin chuckled at Zhang Hao’s huff of exasperation and led him out the door.
-⟡-
The producers had herded all of the trainees into a room with a large stage in the center. They were going to be filming a dance battle to break up the elimination episode. And while some of the trainees were bursting with excitement, Matthew found himself not quite there. Honestly, he was tired. It had been thrilling performing in front of the Star Creators and even more thrilling to win against the K-group team. He had expected (and prayed for) their win, but he hadn’t expected their team to be the only G-group team to win. Such bullshit. Even if he agreed that some of the K-teams were better he didn’t think that the gap between votes should have been that big. But yeah, all the practice and worrying about if he would be able to shine on stage with his limited part and then performing for the first time in front of such a large audience had pretty much drained his energy. So no, he didn’t really want to be a part of this dance battle.
“I’m going to battle Sung Hanbin,” Zhang Hao, who was sitting to the left of Matthew, stated confidently.
Keita, sitting on the other side of Zhang Hao, glanced across the room. “You want to battle Hanbin? Wow, well you have to win!” He teased, throwing an arm around the other’s shoulders. Matthew laughed as Zhang Hao imitated some tutting moves. He hadn’t expected Hanbin to respond, but he did, and Zhang Hao blew him a kiss for his efforts, which he returned in kind. Interesting.
-⟡-
After the eliminations, which were extremely bittersweet (placing second was thrilling, but saying goodbye to some good friends was not), the trainees were given a short break. Matthew and Hanbin had agreed to spend the day together like old times. This gave Matthew the perfect opportunity to ask about what the hell was going on. He just had to ease into it.
“So… what’s up with you and Zhang Hao?” Or maybe not.
“Huh?” Hanbin asked, caught off guard. He had stopped a few paces behind Matthew, so the younger turned to face him. His ears were bright red, and he seemed to be at a loss for words. “What do you mean?”
“I dunno. You guys just seem to be awfully close nowadays.” And flirting right in front of everyone’s salads. Matthew didn’t say that part, he doubted Hanbin would get what he was referencing, and would also immediately deny that he was making eyes at G-group’s center.
Hanbin seemed to have recovered, as he walked over to Matthew and grabbed his hand. “Aww, Seok Mae. Are you jealous?”
“No! I’m just curious.”
“Good, cause there’s no need to be jealous, you’ll always be my number one.” Matthew hummed in agreement. “It’s just- I don’t know. He and I are very similar. We talked a bit on the way to film the intro for the Here I Am video, and we have a lot in common.”
‘You and I have a lot in common.’
“It’s just crazy how someone from so far away who should have very different lived experiences from me, actually has a lot of shared experiences.”
“I see.”
Hanbin was rambling, now. “We both wanted to be teachers, and we’re very similar heights, and we just kinda have the same vibe.”
“That’s it?” Matthew asked a little bit in disbelief. Hanbin flushed red.
“What do you mean ‘That’s it’? That’s a lot! Especially considering we just met a couple of months ago! And plus… there are other things.” If it was even possible, Hanbin turned a shade darker. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Let’s go eat.” He tugged Matthew in the direction of a strip of restaurants, effectively shutting down the conversation. Veeeeeeeery interesting.
-⟡-
After the too short break, the trainees were told to monitor the song options for the next mission. They were all sitting on the floor, Matthew sandwiched in-between Hanbin and Zhang Hao. His heart was set on Love Killa. The killing part would be the perfect opportunity for him to show off and, fingers crossed, maintain his position as number two.
Once all of the songs had been played, everyone started discussing what songs they wanted, and some trainees were even talking about strategies for the push-war.
“I really want to do Love Killa,” Matthew stated.
“Ooh, that’s perfect for you, Matthew!” Keita chimed in from across Zhang Hao. “I’d pretty much be happy with any of the songs. Except Gang. Anything but Gang.” He shuddered at the thought of it. “I feel like I could do something really special with Zoom though, so that’s currently my top pick.” He turned to Zhang Hao. “What about you, hyung?”
“I’m not 100% sure, yet. I definitely want to do something with the singing position. I liked Love Killa, but I think I’m leaning toward Tomboy.”
“That song suits you really well,” Keita offered, and Zhang Hao smiled at him. “I bet Hanbin wants to do something with a lot of dancing.” They all turned to look at him. “Right?”
“Haha, maybe… But I kinda want to try something different.” With the vague nature of his statement and the way he was staring at Zhang Hao, Matthew was pretty sure what song he ended up at wasn’t Hanbin’s top priority.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Gunwook couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face. Hanbin, Zhang Hao, and Hoetaek hyung? All on his team? He would for sure be in the Top 9 after this performance. The only thing he was a little worried about was making sure he stood out when he was performing with such talented people. But he just had to muster up that courage that he had for the first few episodes, and he could do it. He would have to be careful to not overdo it, considering the fact that that bravado had drawn a lot of hurtful criticism from some of the Star Creators. Of course it had upset Gunwook, but he had been on Wild Idol, so it would take a lot more than that to really break him down. Over the break, the Jellyfish managers had told him that he needed to do an image rebrand. Obviously the determination and the confidence was coming off a bit arrogant and it scared some of the Star Creators off. So he wouldn’t say that he was using his hyungs, but surely it wouldn’t hurt to gain their favor and appeal to their large fanbases.
“I can grab our stuff, hyungs.”
“Oh, thank you, Gunwook.” Zhang Hao gave him a smile. It was a smile that he often saved for the Yuehuas, lips slightly turned down and eyes full of fondness. Gunwook couldn’t help but smile back at him. A little bit of happiness bubbling up inside his chest. During Kill This Love, he knew he intimidated the older man a bit, but that was part of his concept and it was a competition after all. But if Zhang Hao was starting to change his mind, that was good, because Gunwook really wasn’t used to not being loved by his hyungs.
After Gunwook grabbed all of their supplies and handed them to his hyungs, Hoetaek declared, “Okay. First order of business, we need to decide who gets the Killing Part. Any volunteers?”
Zhang Hao and Hanbin both slowly raised their hands. Gunwook had considered volunteering, but he was pretty sure he was the best rapper on the team, and if he asked to have that part, there wouldn’t be too much of a fight. Plus, if he got to write his own rap, it would just be another chance to prove he deserved the “All-Rounder” title.
“Ah, Hao and Hanbinie. Okay! Let’s hear it.”
Hanbin hyung’s delivery was very straight-forward and clean, whereas Hao hyung’s was slightly more stylized. Perhaps it was his nerves, but Gunwook still liked it nonetheless. To be honest, he really admired Zhang Hao. As someone who was also a high academic achiever, Gunwook was extremely impressed that Hao hyung had gotten the highest score for his college entrance exam. If there was anyone at Boys Planet who would understand his philosophical references and the old adages he would quote, it would probably be Zhang Hao.
“Do we get to choose now? Ooh, this is gonna be hard.”
“Actually, after hearing you guys do it, I kind of want to give it a try myself,” Hoetaek hyung admitted. He gave it a try, adding a little trill of his r’s on “brew”. It was pretty cool, very stylized and original. But Gunwook already knew who he was gonna vote for. Hanbin won. Which Gunwook was still happy about. Honestly, all three of his hyungs would have been a great choice.
With the assignment of the rest parts, they began to work individually. Gunwook tried to start writing the rap, but he kept getting distracted by Mingyu’s loud belting. Quickly giving up on getting any productive work done, he turned his attention to his hyungs. Hoetaek was singing to himself, practicing the melody and trying out different riffs. Zhang Hao and Hanbin were sitting close together working out the pronunciation for the fast part of the song. He watched as Zhang Hao quickly picked it up and Hanbin complimented him. Their ears turned red as they teased each other.
-⟡-
Practicing everyday with people he admired so greatly was a lot of fun. He hadn’t felt this light since the show began. They all got along super well, and at every check-in with the masters they had been complimented. But then came the day of the trainee evaluations. Gunwook hesitantly read Zhang Hao’s name on card after card for the trainee who needed improvement. It killed him a little bit to watch Hao hyung nodding and agreeing.
They had gone back to practicing after that. As if nothing had happened. But at some point, Zhang Hao and Hanbin took a break and Gunwook saw the tears. He wanted to say something, he understood the pressure of being in a group like this, and not feeling like you were number one. It was something that he was honestly struggling with too. But Hanbin was sitting there handling it. It didn’t feel right to interrupt, so he just let it go, and if Zhang Hao hyung wanted to talk to him about it later, he would be all ears.
-⟡-
Something had shifted. Gunwook couldn’t tell you exactly what, but something was different. It must have happened overnight, because he didn’t see anything during practice yesterday. Granted, he had noticed that Hanbin seemed a little bit frustrated, but he had still been practicing as normal. But today, he was laughing and attached to Hao hyung’s hip. The two of them would run off during breaks, and then come back hand-in-hand, arms swinging. He and Hoetaek hyung would kind of just look at each other every time it happened.
“Why do I feel like I’m intruding?” Gunwook whispered.
“I feel like I’m the side character in one of those popular dramas,” Hoetaek agreed.
“Did something happen last night?”
Hoetaek hyung’s eyes widened in realization for half a second before he shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was pretty dead asleep last night, but… I just thought it was a weird dream.”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
Gunwook wasn’t worried about it, but he was definitely curious.
-⟡-
At some point, Gunwook realized that there was a Hanbin sized wall around Zhang Hao. He had gotten pretty close to Hoetaek hyung, given whatever was going on between the two centers. And Hanbin hyung was so easy to talk to and very lavish with his hugs. But, Zhang Hao was a little harder to get to. There was a slight language barrier, and sometimes the introvert was not as excited as the rest of his team. So, Gunwook was desperately trying to strengthen the relationship and get closer to Hao hyung. (He knew how nice the Yuehuas had it, with the amount of doting Zhang Hao did, and he wanted in.) But anytime he would hug or touch Zhang Hao for too long, Sung Hanbin would appear. He noticed that it happened to Hoetaek hyung, too. It was like a summoning spell. If you rubbed the Zhang Hao lamp three times, the Sung Hanbin genie would appear. He wouldn’t grant you any wishes though, he would just smile and distract you as he moved you further away from the other man.
It was kind of funny the lengths he would go to to put space between Zhang Hao and others. Gunwook had learned to keep his hugs with Zhang Hao quick and his touches light, but Hoetaek hyung was less observant. He watched as Hanbin would throw his arms around Zhang Hao’s shoulders, effectively pushing Hoetaek away. Or how he would insert himself in the middle of the group so he was the only one standing next to Zhang Hao.
On top of that, their behavior was getting more outrageous. Gunwook literally did not know what to make of their entrance to the eliminations. And as he was sitting next to Hoetaek hyung watching trainees get called (or not), out of the corner of his eye, there they were, holding hands. His attention was mainly on the announcement, but every so often he would look over and the two of them were still glued together.
Gunwook tried not to stare or act like he noticed it. It wasn’t really his business. Besides, he was filled with bittersweet joy. He had finally ranked in the Top 9, but Hoetaek hyung had dropped to 11th. Hanbin and Zhang Hao had ranked P01 and P02. Gunwook was happy for them. Zhang Hao especially deserved the recognition. He had been extremely disappointed that he was only able to place 5th last time, but he had worked so hard, and he had gotten first place during Tomboy.
Though Gunwook was grateful to have had the opportunity to work with people he admired so greatly, he wished whoever was on Zhang Hao or Hanbin hyung’s team next the best of luck.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Ricky was seriously considering changing his catchphrase to ‘Young and rich. Tall and handsome. I’m getting sick of Zhang Hao’s bullshit.’ Because honestly, enough is enough, and someone needed to call him out. He loves his hyung dearly, but sometimes, he just could not understand what was going through the older man’s head.
“I’m just saying, since we’re changing this part so that everyone can be onstage, there needs to be some choreography, and tutting would fill it perfectly.” His actual intentions were crystal clear to Ricky.
“Isn’t there already choreo for that part?” Jay whispered to Jeonghyeon, semi-loudly. Zhang Hao shot him a look.
“Yes but it’s meant for one person, so we have to change it anyway. I’m sure Hanbinie wouldn’t mind helping us with it.” From the way Yujin had actively sought cuddles from Gyuvin last night, Ricky was pretty sure the Say My Name team had more than enough going on.
“If you say so, Hao,” Kuan Jui chimed in from where he was stretching on the floor. Zhang Hao nodded emphatically, and Ricky desperately wanted to roll his eyes, but he kept a straight face. You never know how M-Net could use your reactions out of context, and he did not want to get evil-edited for disagreeing with Zhang Hao of all people.
“So then it’s settled. I’ll ask for Hanbin’s help later.” The team hesitantly agreed, but Ricky was pretty sure that it didn’t really matter, Zhang Hao’s mind was set, and for whatever reason, people always gave into him. It’s not like Ricky himself isn’t guilty of doing exactly that, but for the sake of Yuehua’s baby, he felt like he had to say something. “Okay, let’s get back to working the formations.”
-⟡-
During the break, Ricky pulled Zhang Hao to the side. “Ge, can I talk to you?”
“Of course, Quan Rui. What is it?”
“I just don’t know if we should ask Hanbin hyung for help. The Say My Name team seems a little… busy right now. Yesterday, when I was hanging out with Gyuvin, Yujin came in all teary-eyed and actually asked for a hug.”
“Yujinie is not as opposed to skinship, as you all might think.”
“Maybe not from you, because you’re like his mother.” Zhang Hao was not impressed. “And anyways, that’s besides the point. Whatever drama M-Net is cooking up and capitalizing off of right now, seems to actually be upsetting the team.”
Zhang Hao considered this. “Okay. I’ll make sure to check in on Yujin, and then I’ll talk to Hanbin, see what’s going on, and if he actually has the time to help us.”
“Thank you, ge.”
-⟡-
The next day when Ricky walked into practice with Jeonghyeon and Jay, Hanbin was sitting in the front of the room, his back to the mirror, monitoring Zhang Hao and Kuan Jui. Ricky could not say that he was surprised. The door opening caught Hanbin’s attention, and he waved.
“Come sit next to me and see what we came up with!”
The three of them gave each other knowing glances before moving towards where Hanbin was sitting.
“Okay, let’s show them from the beginning of the dance break and then you can tell them where and when you want them to enter.”
Zhang Hao and Kuan Jui nodded as they got into position. It was actually really good. Ricky hated to admit it but the tutting did in fact tie everything together. With the two mirroring each other at first, and then Kuan Jui following the movement of Zhang Hao’s arms with his head, it created a cohesive picture.
“So what did you think?” Zhang Hao asked, looking at his teammates. Jay jumped up excitedly and ran over crushing Kuan Jui in a hug. Jeonghyeon followed shortly behind him, and threw an arm around Zhang Hao’s shoulders.
“It looks really good,” he told the older man.
“I’m excited to see what you decided to add for the rest of us!” Jay chimed in, bouncing up and down with Kuan Jui. Ricky chuckled and stood up, glancing at Hanbin, whose mouth was set in a thin line. Feeling eyes on him, Hanbin looked up and quickly smiled at Ricky.
“It does look really good, hyung. Great job.”
Hanbin shrugged with a shy smile. “Ah, it was a collaborative effort.” We love a humble king. “I’ll come back later, during one of our breaks and see how it looks all together.”
“Thank you, Hanbinie!” Kuan Jui shouted at Hanbin who was heading to the door.
“Oh, Sung Hanbin,” Zhang Hao called, effectively stopping the man. “I’ll walk out with you. I need to use the bathroom. Kuan Jui, could you start teaching them the next part?”
Kuan Jui nodded, but the two centers were already heading out the door, talking quietly to each other.
-⟡-
“So…”
“Yes?”
“I’m assuming the Say My Name team has worked out everything and that’s why Hanbin hyung was here this morning?”
They were taking a break after learning and practicing the dance break, and Ricky was taking this opportunity to tease Zhang Hao.
“I talked to Hanbin and helped him work through everything. Hopefully, by this afternoon they have everything resolved. And I checked in on Yujin, too. I hope you know that you are a drama queen. He was completely fine. Besides, Hanbin came before their practice, so it’s not like we were taking him away from them.”
“I’m sure as leader, he has a lot of extra responsibilities that require his attention, but sure, whatever you say, ge.”
“Quan Rui, I did not raise you to be like this.”
-⟡-
They won. They actually won. Ricky could not believe it. A team with almost all G-group members won against teams that should have been a shoo-in. His first win on this stupid show. And now he gets to go to M-Countdown and have a fan meeting. It felt unreal.
He watched as Kuan Jui fell to his knees sobbing, and Jay quietly shed tears. Jeonghyeon was bouncing on his toes and flashing Ricky a giant smile. His eyes searched for Zhang Hao. He was just standing there, unmoving, in shock. There was probably a huge weight that had been lifted off his chest. Ricky knew the pressure Zhang Hao had been under with Kuan Jui and Jeonghyeon’s risky rankings and Ricky and Jay’s falling ones. He had said from the start that as the leader he wanted to bring the whole team with him to the finals, and winning this would surely help that.
Soon the other trainees started to swarm, and Ricky got swept into many hugs and congratulations. Later, when the Over Me team was celebrating in the dorms, Yujin and Ollie stormed in and smothered Zhang Hao, complaining that they didn’t get to give him proper hugs and congratulations because Hanbin hyung wouldn’t let him go. Zhang Hao turned bright red at that. Ricky could only laugh.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Gyuvin is known for being silly. He’d also like to think he’s known for being a reliable friend though. He was always the first to dry Yujin’s tears and smother him with kisses (despite his protests) to make him feel better. And Ricky would probably never admit it, but the blond always sought him out when he was having a bad day. And sometimes when Junhyeon and Gunwook would get into silly, little squabbles, he was the one to help them resolve it. Recently though, he’s been Hanbin hyung’s emotional sounding board. He didn’t mind it. Hanbin hyung had been such a big emotional support for him during the Star Level tests and Love Me Right, and the two had become very close since then. Plus, Ricky had hinted that Gyuvin should make an effort with Hanbin for Zhang Hao hyung’s sake. Which he didn’t get at first.
Look, Gyuvin is a lot of things, but super observant isn’t at the top of that list. Admittedly, it took him a while to catch onto things, but when he was repeatedly told something over and over again, he caught on. Like right now. Hanbin had stormed into his room and was lying on the bed rambling about Lee Jeonghyeon.
“The Over Me team… they all seem very close. Don’t they?”
“Huh? Yeah. I guess so. I think everyone here is pretty close though.”
“Yeah, but the Over Me team. It just seems like they’re even closer.”
Gyuvin considered this. He didn’t really know what Hanbin hyung wanted him to say. “Well, Zhang Hao and Kuan Jui hyungs have very similar situations. And Ricky and Zhang Hao are both Yuehua trainees, so you know… trauma bonding. Plus, all three of them are Chinese, so I’m sure that cultural background helps their connection. And then Jay hyung is just one of those people that seems like they're close to everyone. And Leejeong is really cool and talented and funny. So they probably get along well because their personalities all mesh well.”
Hanbin looked at him. “You think so?”
“Yeah. But, I mean, En Garde team is pretty close too, you know. We all are essentially the same person in different fonts. Except Hiroto hyung, but he’s really our rock that keeps us grounded. And Supercharger is like a family. And any team that has Keita hyung is gonna get along really well. Plus, you’re on the same team as your best friend. I think people ended up where they were supposed to, with the people that suit them the best.”
“Hmm… maybe you’re right. Still it doesn’t bother you that your best friend gets along with someone else better than he does with you?”
What the heck? Where was this coming from? “What are you talking about?”
“I mean, Ricky. He seems to get along with Jeonghyeon really well.”
“Well, yeah, again, I think they have similar personalities. But, Ricky isn’t replacing me or anything like that. He just often deeply admires people that he thinks are cool, because he wants to be like them. He’s the same way with Jiwoong hyung.”
“It doesn’t bother you that he doesn’t think you’re cool and how he talks about how much he admires Jiwoong and Jeonghyeon?”
“Hey! He thinks I’m cool!”
“I promise you he does not, Gyu.”
“There’s no need to be rude.” Hanbin shot him a look. “Plus, even if he doesn’t think I’m cool in the way that he thinks Jeonghyeon or Jiwoong hyungs are cool, he still thinks I’m cool in another way. Besides, our friendship is different from any of our other relationships. So we don’t necessarily need any pretense of being cool… we’re way past that. We know each other too well.”
“You think you guys have a deeper relationship?” Gyuvin was starting to realize that this maybe wasn’t all about Ricky.
“I know we do.”
“Still…” He mumbles this next part, ears starting to turn red. “They’re kind of touchy.” Now, Gyuvin was a little bit confused. Ricky touchy with Jeonghyeon, sure, maybe, he could see that. But if Hanbin was talking about Ricky while actually meaning Zhang Hao hyung… Gyuvin didn’t see that one happening as much. But then he remembered something that Gunwook had off-handedly mentioned happening during Tomboy. And if Hanbin was really like that with Zhang Hao, then yeah, he could see how, to him, a quick side hug or a pat on the arm would be the equivalent of making out or some other extreme.
“Yeah. I guess so. But you know, Ricky doesn’t love skinship. He does it with the Yuehuas, cause again, trauma bonding, but he’s never been the one to initiate it. Plus, Leejeong hyung seems to be more physical. He’s kinda like that with everyone.”
“He never initiates it ever? What about with you?”
Gyuvin smiled to himself. “Ah, well. I know how he feels about it, so I try to respect his boundaries. But I can’t help myself sometimes, because he’s my best friend and I love him. But, yeah, I think he acknowledges my efforts, and so sometimes he does initiate it. And when he does…” Gyuvin looked pointedly at Hanbin to make sure he caught what he was saying, “It’s definitely very special.”
“I see. Thanks, Gyuvin.”
“Of course, hyung. I hope it makes you feel better to know that Ricky and I have a very special relationship,” Gyuvin teased. Hanbin just blushed as he exited the room.
-⟡-
Gyuvin was very excited for the Pajama Party Live. He felt like he was really good at the variety part of the idol job, so hopefully this would allow him a chance to shine. Of course he was nervous, but he was sitting next to Hanbin hyung and Yujinie, so it made him feel a lot better.
The live was silly, perhaps a little awkward at times, but still a lot of fun! After they had gone around and answered questions, Hoetaek, Jay, Taerae and Seungeon sang Man in Love, which was really good. And then Zhang Hao, Jongwoo, Keita, Park Hanbin and Jeonghyeon were going to dance to En Garde. He was really excited for this performance, even if it was silly, because he was curious to see how the other trainees would have performed it. He knew Jongwoo and Zhang Hao would do really well. And by the looks of it, Hanbin hyung’s interest was piqued too with the way he was staring at one trainee in particular.
There’s no other way to put it. It was dumb. Once they were done dancing, they had just barely touched hands and it was only to bow. Zhang Hao had even missed grabbing Jeonghyeon’s hand, but Gyuvin could feel the way Hanbin tensed at that. And it wasn’t really all that surprising that when he turned and looked, Hanbin was watching Zhang Hao walk back to his seat. Gyuvin was caught in the crossfire, so when he glanced at Hanbin, they made eye contact. He really couldn’t help the smirk that appeared on his face, and he grabbed Hanbin’s hand in reassurance. He couldn’t help but laugh at the older’s soft “Huh? What?”
Gyuvin was certain he was going to hear about this later.
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Jiwoong, contrary to popular belief, is not an emotionless, sexy, statue. He’s certain that there are some viewers of Boy Planet who believe that he is, but he really couldn’t help it. The show producers had given him a set concept and limited screen time. And on top of that, with his past acting resume, which he wears proudly, he knew that there were quite a few homophobes that didn’t want him in the group. So at first he embraced the sexy mysterious concept to ensure that there would be less fuel to add to the flames.
But, it was hard to move away from that. As much as he tried to break any preconceptions during the Dual Position Battle, he doesn’t blame the Star Creators if it didn’t stick with them because they already had their minds made up after those first few episodes. Trust him, he knows how cutthroat this world can be.
The last night at the dorms before the Boys Planet finale called for a bit of reflection. The silent, brooding concept had allowed for Jiwoong to take on more of an observational role, and so he was happy to lie back and observe the louder, younger members recount first impressions, and share their feelings about the time they’ve spent together. Currently, Kamden was poking fun at Matthew’s pronunciation. It was cute the way that Matthew’s ears turned bright red at being called out, and how he still could not pronounce Jiwoong's name properly.
Keita chimed in.
“For me, Zhang Hao hyung left the strongest first impression.” Said man sat up from where he was laying down, smushed beneath the Yuehua maknae. At the mention of Zhang Hao’s name, Jiwoong paid a little more attention. “Hao hyung was sitting in front of me at the Star Level test. He had a certain style. He would throw out a question, but then he had no interest after that!” Keita began to demonstrate the two’s interaction. “By any chance, do you speak Korean well? Ohhh.” He waved his hand dismissively. “By any chance, are you tired? Ohhh.”
The room flooded with laughter as Zhang Hao tried to defend himself. “I asked Keita, ‘Do you know Korean?’ And he replied, ‘Just a little.’ So I thought that I should take good care of him, but then I felt betrayed when I found out he spoke so well.”
Keita laughed and teasingly thanked the other man. When the laughter somewhat subsided, Jiwoong decided to speak up. “Zhang Hao left a strong first impression on me, too. I remember when he played the violin. At that time, I felt as though there was thunder and lightning but roses still bloomed from the ground. It was very healing.”
Zhang Hao nodded, considering, but then responded, “But the first time we talked was during Say My Name.”
Ah, yes. Their extremely brief scripted interaction in which Jiwoong tried his hardest to not butcher the other’s native language. Jiwoong supposed that was true. It was their first real interaction that went beyond an exchanging of polite hello’s and head nods. It’s not as if Jiwoong was purposefully avoiding the Chinese man, he just never seemed to be around or his attention was sequestered by Hanbin. There were plenty of other trainees that Jiwoong didn’t really have the chance to talk to, but still it was surprising that the other man would call him out like this.
It seemed to have shocked the other trainees, as it was mostly silent except for a few questioning, ‘First conversation?’s and ‘How is that possible?’s.
Jiwoong eased the tension, by agreeing, “Right now is our second conversation.” He watched as a sort of relief flooded across Zhang Hao’s features as he threw his head back in laughter.
Park Hanbin called for everyone’s attention, and the trainees decided it would be funny to put Kum Junhyeon and Zhang Hao in the center to have a conversation. The whole interaction was rife with awkwardness, the two trainees so clearly different. Jiwoong watched half-heartedly in amusement. But, his focus was locked in on the man that Zhang Hao had been sitting next to. Sung Hanbin was staring and laughing as if the situation presented before them was straight off a well-rated comedy show skit. His eyes full of mirth and adoration as he watched the two interact. Jiwoong knew that look. He was one of the oldest trainees here, and had lived through many more experiences than most of them. So he was certain he knew what that look meant.
Now, Jiwoong wouldn’t necessarily say that the younger boy was the main cause for his stunted relationship with Zhang Hao. There were probably a multitude of reasons. First, Jiwoong was often busy being an emotional support to the trainees with a more tumultuous journey on the show, and Zhang Hao did not really fall into that category. And on top of that, from everything that he had heard about the man from Matthew and the Yuehuas, Zhang Hao was more reserved and sometimes harder to approach. Some of the other trainees mentioned that he was even harder to get alone nowadays because Hanbin was always hanging off his shoulder.
But, if Jiwoong ever had wanted to try to approach Zhang Hao, he had seen the way it turned out for others. Hanbin’s face dropping, his eyes watching every movement, the way he would freeze and wait for the other to step back or leave before becoming more like himself. Jiwoong greatly admired Hanbin, and it wasn’t worth it to him, especially after he had seen the way the younger man had reacted to him and Zhang Hao’s singular conversation.
Jiwoong had watched as Hanbin’s face lit up, as someone approached their lunch table only to immediately deflate, when he realized that Zhang Hao’s focus was on Jiwoong, and not on him. The younger man had seemed to hold his breath, as Zhang Hao laughed and grabbed Jiwoong’s shoulder without thinking. When they finished the interview, Hanbin quickly excused himself, saying that he wanted to get some things done before the Say My Name team went back for practice, and walked out of the cafeteria.
Clearly, there was something going on. He hadn’t thought much of the interaction between him and Zhang Hao. Had it been any other trainee, he was certain that Hanbin wouldn’t have thought much of it either. Jiwoong had a feeling there was more than what appearances had shown, and he was somehow inextricably entangled in it. But what was he to say when he barely knew Zhang Hao, and he had only recently come to know Hanbin well? Nothing really. After all, according to some, he was just an emotionless, sexy statue, with little to say. The less said, the less fuel to add to the flames.
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Taerae could finally breathe. He had made it. A lot of the Wakeonez had told him that he would, but he couldn’t really help but worry. Things could change in a matter of seconds, and Taerae knew that. He was meticulous and thoughtful, which meant that he had a deep understanding of the way this competition worked. He had run through it in his head so many times that he was prepared for any outcome.
6th place was not bad at all. What’s important is he’s made it into the group. He would be given so many more chances to stand on stage and sing in front of his fans, and to be honest, that was all that really mattered to him.
So yeah, he could finally breathe, and take in what was going on now that he wasn’t stressing out over being called. Yes, he was still on edge about who else would make it, secretly hoping that he would hear the names of his best friends or trainees that he had gotten close to. But again, he ran through the outcomes, he knew the possibilities. He had some hopes but low expectations.
Soon enough Gunwook, Ricky and Matthew’s names were called. Taerae smiled and clapped, congratulating and embracing each of them. Each new person was one moment closer to this whole process being over, and the beginning of his new journey.
After what seemed like hours, it was time for the 1st and 2nd rank candidates to be announced. The production team seemed to be relishing in the tension – flashing to the audience, the trainees, the 1st place chair, before finally, the split screen appeared, and then there they were. Zhang Hao and Sung Hanbin.
To be honest, Taerae had expected this. He had heard a couple of the trainees talking about how Zhang Hao had said he didn’t have high hopes for himself, how he wasn’t betting on debuting, how he was practicing his elimination speeches. And yes, perhaps Taerae was a firm believer that things were never set in stone in competitions like this, but there was never a doubt in his mind that it would be the two of them. The shining boys. The centers. Haobin. So call him a hypocrite, but in every outcome that he had run through, Sung Hanbin and Zhang Hao were always P01 and P02.
What he was not expecting was that . It’s not like he didn’t know. He had eyes. Every single trainee on Boys Planet was well aware there was something going on there. Taerae had just never paid it any mind. For the most part, his circles never really overlapped with either of them, so he didn’t really think it was any of his business. But, they were embracing, and it was so sentimental, so sweet, so… intimate, yet public, that it felt like it was his business now. Truly since they were doing it in front of a full stadium and a live international broadcast, it kinda felt like it was everyone’s business.
And yet, Taerae also felt like he should look away, like he was intruding upon this once-in-a-lifetime moment that was just for the two of them. But he couldn’t seem to tear his gaze away, watching as an immediate relief washed over Hao’s face when he saw the screen, the way Hanbin’s hand immediately found the older’s, the way they were clutching and cradling each other, words and promises spoken quietly between them – it was all too much.
They finally released each other, and slowly made their way to the base of the stairs. They gave their speeches about how honored they felt to be up for such an important rank, and then finally– finally, Min Hyun announced P01.
Taerae was a little shocked. He had known that this was a possibility, but he hadn’t thought it likely. He suspects that most people had assumed it would be Hanbin. He could tell that Zhang Hao certainly had, the way he immediately turned to congratulate the other, only to be met with his own congratulations. The confusion and surprise was written all over his face. Taerae imagined that Hanbin was a little disappointed – he knows that if he were in the other’s shoes, he certainly would be – but, the beaming smile and look of pride never left Hanbin’s face, as the two quickly embraced.
It was chaos of a good kind – the seemingly never-ending applause, the deafening screams and cheers, the long heartfelt speeches. The pair finally turned, and hand-in-hand, they walked up the stairs towards the rest of the group. Taerae couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped at that. It was always going to be the two of them. This moment was theirs. The rankings the least of their concerns. They had been through so much of this journey together, and that’s how they were going to finish.
After many hugs and congratulations were exchanged, everyone sat back down. As they waited for the cheers to subside, Taerae heard Hanbin calling for Zhang Hao’s attention. He watched as the newly crowned P01 turned to the other.
“It suits you.”
Oh.
Taerae watched as tears began flowing freely down the puffed out, pouty cheeks of ZB1’s center. He smiled and tried to comfort Zhang Hao from his chair, but the man kept crying, and not even Gunwook’s small encouragements seemed to make him stop. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Hanbin looking down at Zhang Hao fondly, a giant smile still on his face.
He really couldn’t help the slight tinge of jealousy that swelled in his chest. In circumstances that were meant to tear people apart, the two of them had forged a relationship that only grew stronger against all odds. Whatever was going on between the two of them, the mutual admiration and adoration was obvious. To love and be loved so wholeheartedly and unabashedly was the truest envy of all.
This time, Taerae did look away.
✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿
Yujin took pride in the fact that he was Hao hyung’s favorite. If you asked any of the Yuehuas, they would probably argue and say that they were Hao hyung’s actual favorite (well, maybe except Yunseo). But, Yujin knew that despite how Zhang Hao cared for each of them, he was his hyung’s soft spot.
That’s not to say it didn’t go both ways. Hao hyung was his favorite too. Not that he would ever say that out loud. He was pretty sure if he did, Gyuvin would smother him even more to try and prove his love. And it’s not that he didn’t love his other hyungs. The other Yuehuas were like the annoying older brothers he always wanted, and Ollie was his closest friend in the entire world. Jiwoong hyung was cool and collected, and honestly, who Yujin wanted to be when he grew up. He loved the sound of Taerae hyung’s voice, and he aspired to be as good, if not better, than him one day. Gunwook hyung was so approachable and always made everyone feel loved, and Matthew hyung could be silly, but he was strong and a loyal friend.
Yujin really did admire all of his hyungs, but from the day he had met Hao hyung he knew there was something special about him. He can still remember the first time that they met back during their Yuehua trainee days. Zhang Hao spoke cute, clumsy, heavily accented Korean but he seemed insistent on not letting it hinder his ability to communicate with the others. The younger trainees flocked to him, asking him to recall his past in China, and Zhang Hao indulged them.
As Hao spoke about why he decided to become a trainee, Yujin could see the fire burning in his eyes. His determination was obvious. But, there was something else, too. It became more obvious as time went on. There were moments that Yujin would catch the elder in these private moments – he would look away with a small, sad smile on his face. But it didn’t really feel like something that Yujin, of all people, should be asking about. After all, there was only so much that a teenager could understand.
So, he made up his mind. He was always going to be there for his Hao hyung. He may not have the words to comfort him, or the ability to understand exactly what he’s going through, but he could be a consistent presence that would make his hyung smile. And Zhang Hao seemed to notice the way Yujin always stood close by, and offered a reassuring hand squeeze or a sympathetic smile. They came to need and rely on one another, constantly clinging to each other. So, the other Yuehuas could suck it. He was obviously Hao hyung’s favorite.
That was until they came to Boys Planet. With the divide between K and G group, there was only so much time that he could really spend with Hao. He tried his best to see him, and the Yuehuas were definitely one of the more inseparable groups, but it still wasn’t the same. He watched as his Hao hyung became a comforting presence to other young trainees, and grew new friendships with the G group members. And though Boys Planet could be really tough at times, his sad smiles seemed to show up less frequently, especially once Hanbin hyung walked into the picture.
Admittedly, Yujin was a little bit jealous. He knew that Hanbin hyung was handsome and extremely talented, but was that really enough to make Hao hyung always seek him out? Maybe it was childish of him. But, he hated watching his Hao hyung get so close to someone else. He didn’t get it. He needed to know why Zhang Hao hyung was so enamored by Sung Hanbin. It wasn’t until all of the footage from the Dual Position Battle was aired that he started to piece it together.
The Yuehua managers had suggested that all of the trainees watch the episodes to see how they were being presented to the public, and if things were going poorly, then hopefully, they could make changes to stand out and be better. The first few episodes were hard for Yujin to watch. He hated remembering all that he went through. Gyuvin and Hao hyung tried their best to console him, but he didn’t want to burden them. Everyone was going through their own struggles. But he placed 4th in the first elimination, and things started to get a little bit easier from there.
The first time he watched the clip of Hao hyung crying in the Tomboy practice room, it made his heart hurt. But then, there was Sung Hanbin, listening and offering words of advice and comfort, quick to dry his tears and inspire him. On occasion, Hao hyung had shared some of his worries with the Yuehuas. But not like this. And never to this extent. It was always just something small that was meant to help the younger trainees be aware of their actions or to help them improve. It wasn’t ever really about him, the pressure and the burdens that he felt.
And then in the next clip, Zhang Hao was consoling a teary-eyed Hanbin. Yujin vaguely remembers hearing through the rumor mill about how Hanbin hyung had cried, but at the time, he was more distracted by choreographing Law and politely dodging most of Park Hanbin’s skinship attempts. He watched Hanbin hyung’s quiet confession about Zhang Hao being his “crying button”, intercut with an interview about how the older comforted him.
Yujin is more than a little embarrassed to admit he watched the collection of Tomboy scenes and behinds a few times. (He can, in fact, confirm that Ollie had taught Hanbin hyung “tiye-tiye” because he was standing there when it happened. Most people don’t realize it, but Ollie is a little bit of a menace. After he had sent Hanbin off, he had told Yujin with an evil smirk that he couldn’t wait to see Hao hyung’s reaction.) But he felt like he had to watch everything with a close eye because he was finally starting to realize what was happening. It was pretty obvious to him that there was still some element of fanservice, but there was also… something else. So he kept an eye on the two of them. He watched as their hands always seemed to find each other’s, giant toothy grins on their faces, ears tinged red.
At some point, something had shifted between the two of them, and the change was obvious in Hao hyung. It wasn’t until their first live as Zerobaseone that Yujin could finally put it into words. Well, actually, Hao hyung put it into words, but Yujin connected the dots and filled in the blanks.
His Hao hyung was lonely. Probably extremely lonely. Yes, he had Yunseo and Seungeon and Gyuvin and Ricky and Yujin during his first days as a trainee. But, he had moved from so far away and was learning a completely new language. He could only really fluently talk to Ricky until Ollie and Brian showed up 5 months later. And they were all so much younger than he was. Hao hyung had been a whole adult and had lived a completely different life, and then suddenly, he had 7 children to take care of. And Yujin knows that Zhang Hao loves all of them, and would always be there to take care of them and worry after them. But, how much could they really reciprocate?
Obviously, they did their best. All of the Yuehuas loved and adored him, and took care of him in their own way. But, it was Sung Hanbin who filled his loneliness in a way unlike any other. He comforted him and fussed over him and made him laugh like nobody else could. And it went both ways. The two of them were known for being reliable friends for any of the trainees on Boys Planet, but it seemed like they really only truly allowed themselves to be completely vulnerable with each other.
So Yujin slowly came to enjoy Hanbin’s constant presence once he realized that he wasn’t getting replaced as Hao hyung’s favorite dongsaeng. Hanbin hyung was simply filling a role that Yujin could never. It was clear that despite the small age difference, they saw each other as equals. And from there a sort of love grew in which they shared their happiness and sadness, and all of the small moments in between.