Archive of Our Own ^beta

The music plays loudly as Jeongin gets ready.

He's lucky to be alone so none of his hyungs can complain about how loud the songs from the girl groups Changbin got him addicted to are playing. He sings along too, which he knows his hyungs wouldn't complain about if he always says it's vocal training, but he knows they’re just indulging him.

He stops singing along when he applies makeup, a light blush to his cheeks and the faintest eyeliner and eyeshadow, just to make him feel more confident. He's just going out with Changbin and part of him insists he doesn't need to apply so much on his looks but another part knows he likes to feel pretty, likes when Changbin compliments how he looks and likes that it makes him feel more comfortable on the occasions they get recognized by their fans.

He stops singing when “what is love?” starts playing, the lyrics create roots in his mind, give him food for thought, he listens to so many love songs and he's yet to feel the butterflies on his stomach and whatever floating feeling they describe, but he does want to feel all of those things.

He wonders if his hyungs felt all those things for each other before they started dating, he should ask them how they knew they were in love but the person he usually trusts to talk first about these things without feeling embarrassed is Changbin, who's not in love now and Jeongin wonders if he felt that in his past relationships.

He wonders if Changbin wants to date anyone instead of going out with him - Changbin would tell him if he were interested in anyone, right?

He should ask him that too, even if he selfishly doesn't want to give away his hyung to just anyone. But he doesn't get to spend a lot of time thinking about Changbin's possible dates when he hears his hyung ringing his doorbell.

"Hey, baby," Changbin greets.

"Hi, baby," Jeongin replies, he started saying it back to Changbin as a joke but it rolled off from his lips so easily that he grew fond of the nickname, plus it always makes Changbin smile.

"You look pretty."

Jeongin smiles too, happy with the praise.

"You too, hyung," Changbin smiles more, somehow, and it makes his eyes close, Jeongin thinks it's adorable.

They go watch a movie, as they often do, sometimes on Jeongin's bedroom, with the image being projected on his purposefully empty wall, and sometimes they go to the theaters, like today. Changbin reserved the tickets to an action movie Jeongin was interested in, which he didn't expect was that those sweetbox tickets were for the seats further away from the screen, where there was no armrest between them, not that Jeongin minded, if he had to be physically close with someone he would choose Changbin without a second thought, but the seat gave him and ample vision of all the seats in front of them. All the couples. But at least it also gave an ample vision of the screen, where another unexpected couple got together amidst the chaos of the shooting guns and investigations.

Jeongin couldn't stop thinking about the love song from before, about fluttering feelings that made one float, and after the movie it got worse, seeing the way they would risk everything for each other, even their own lives. Jeongin thought if he was too young to feel those things, but that didn't make sense, his hyungs fell in love when they were younger than he is now…

He almost bumps on Changbin when he stops by the end of the dark row. He looks back at Jeongin and offers his hand to walk side by side, and he takes it.

He doesn't let go when they exit the cinema and Jeongin doesn't make any effort to let go either, so used to it from all the other times they went out together.

They place their food orders still hand in hand and Changbin only lets go so they can eat properly. But Jeongin plays around with his fries and barely looks at his burger, sipping mindlessly on his soda.

"What's wrong?" Changbin notices, he always does.

"I've been thinking…" Jeongin is unsure if he wants to share what's troubling him, but it's Changbin, he knows he can tell him anything. "Why are we the only ones in our group not in love with anyone?"

Changbin feels the air leave his lungs like he just got punched in the gut.

From all the things that could leave Jeongin's mouth, this is the last thing he expected to hear. Not when he's been in love with Jeongin for months and thought Jeongin liked him too. For a moment, he feels like he doesn't know Jeongin as well as he thought he did.

"What-? I thought- Where is this coming from?" He takes a sip of his drink to swallow his frustration - he can barely get the words out.

If he's completely honest with himself, he thought they were somehow together, with the ease Jeongin opens up to him, with how much Jeongin hugs him, holds his hand and even allows Changbin to kiss his cheeks, which he rarely allows anyone else. They have pet names for each other and go on dates almost every week, they eat lunch and dinner together when their schedules align and with Jeongin everything feels just right. And if he's more than completely honest, he was planning to ask Jeongin to be official next month, he wanted to make a reservation at a nice restaurant Jeongin had mentioned before, and kiss him under the moonlight like the romcoms they would seldom watch.

The reservation he already made, but the confession will be canceled.

"I was listening to some love songs and the lyrics got to my head…" He pouts when he pokes one fry with another and Changbin waits for him to continue. "The lyrics kept going on and on about these intense feelings, about butterflies on your stomach and that someone will make you feel like you're floating and I've never… I've never felt anything like that before. Have you?"

Changbin suddenly hates music.

Hates how they inspire people and how they make others question their worldview. He's a musician and he loves music but right now he hates how influential it can be, feels betrayed by his own craft.

"Forget I ask-"

"No, it's okay… I did feel things like that before, but it was never as strong as the lyrics say. It's how they describe but also it isn't?"

Changbin would omit for now how love would only sweep you off your feet when it was reciprocated, while rejection felt like plummeting down from the sky. Like right now.

"Hm."

Jeongin still looked intrigued, Changbin knew he was the type that liked to see and experience for himself, and honestly, he couldn't blame Jeongin for that, especially with stuff like this. Falling in love could never compare to seeing and hearing about it. Changbin knew that too - he was in love right now.

"Are you interested in anyone?" Changbin dares to ask, hoping for a negative reply.

Jeongin pouts and shakes his head, and Changbin regrets hoping for a “no” because that meant Jeongin wasn’t interested in him either.

“Do you want to be?” Changbin asks and he wants to kiss Jeongin’s cute confused face when he shrugs.

“I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before, and I'm curious about it but I'm scared I won't like it,” he had liked people before, kissed them, had sex with a few, but nothing that felt like the feelings described in the love songs he liked so much

“It will happen when it happens, and when it does, I'm sure you'll enjoy it,” Changbin replies, holding his hand on top of the table to reassure him as his own heart shatters.

The person he hoped to date - the one he thought he was already dating, doesn’t like him and, even worse, hopes to fall in love with someone - not him - one day.

Jeongin nods with a conflicted smile on his face, welcoming Changbin's hand in his from the restaurant to his door, Changbin walks him there, gives him a hug and goes to his own house.

He doesn't really know what to do after today, but he knows he doesn't want to be alone.

He knocks on Chan's door and Felix opens it, he feels bad about interrupting their time together, but before he even says anything they invite him in.

"What happened?" Chan asks when Changbin flops on his bed.

"Jeongin…"

"The usual or…?" Felix asks.

The usual would be Changbin getting home and gushing out about how pretty Innie was on their date and where they went, what they did together and if they finally kissed, Changbin was more than ok with just being close and holding hands, but turns out Jeongin didn't even think about going anywhere beyond that.

"Or. I found out he doesn't like me like that," Changbin heard the words "in love" so many times today that they feel bitter on his tongue when he thinks of saying them.

"What?" Both of them ask at once, as if it's absurd. It is at least a little absurd. Everyone thought they were together, even Changbin. 

"Yeah."

Chan pats his hair, trying to comfort without overstepping.

"He said he's never been in love before," Changbin wonders if he's allowed to tell them that, but he doesn't think they'll tell anyone. "And I asked if he was interested in anyone and he said no."

"Oh, hyung," Felix offers a hug, Changbin takes it, Chan rubs his back.

"He wants to fall in love with someone, but I never crossed his mind. I know now he only sees me as a friend and I just- I don't know what to do."

"We'll figure it out, we'll help you."

"I still can't believe Innie doesn't-" Chan starts saying and Felix gives him a look that tells him not to poke the wound, Changbin sniffles.

"I don't know if I should step back, I don't want him to suspect anything."

"But if staying too close to him will hurt you, then maybe…" Chan reasons.

"But not being close to him will also…" He trails off.

"It's too sudden, Binnie, take some time to think, we don't have schedules that will push you two together, so you can just keep a healthy distance for a while."

"Yeah, I think you're right," Changbin knows deep down, Jeongin and him would instinctively seek each other out anyway, with all the others staying with their respective boyfriends and the two of them being left out.

"We won't leave you alone, hyung."

Chan and Felix would often disappear when they had a break and show up all disheveled a while later, but Changbin would give them the benefit of the doubt.

"Do you want to stay here with us? Just like when we were roommates."

"Like a sleepover."

Changbin almost denies it, but he doesn't like being alone and his room seems too empty and spacious even if there's nothing different there.

So he nods, and they talk about Jeongin, about how Changbin shouldn't give up on his feelings yet, that maybe Jeongin is just oblivious because of his inexperience but he could fall for him now that he's looking for love. Changbin doesn't want to hope but he has no choice when his heart is an optimist.

Seeing Chan and Felix together fills him with hope and longing, he's happy they figured their feelings for each other after so long, after their own denial and calling each other "brothers" to hide their actual feelings. But everything reminded him of Jeongin, of how Jeongin told him before Changbin was like a cool older brother, but he was sure now that it wasn't to hide anything like Felix did to Chan and vice versa.

He sighs, too loud. Chan and Felix look back at him and stop focusing on each other so much, there's an apologetic look on their faces and Changbin feels a little guilty, both for overstepping and for pulling them apart.

"We planned to eat breakfast together tomorrow," Changbin remembers, playing with the loose strands of his jeans. "I think I'm going to cancel on him."

"We can go early to the studio tomorrow morning," Chan offers. Felix doesn't look too happy with the idea of having his cuddling partner taken away from him.

"That would be nice," Changbin grasps any chance of being distracted, even if it tires him out. "I need to go to the gym after the studio anyway, I won't have much free time."

But the next day, after feeling invigorated from cuddling with his best friends and being distracted with the music segments all morning, there's a knock on the studio's door. Changbin is alone, Chan went to buy something to drink and Han would come to the studio after his lunch plans to eat with Hyunjin - that he couldn't cancel after he overworked himself on their anniversary.

"Come in," he says absentmindedly, not expecting anyone.

"Hyung," he hears a muffled Jeongin and the ruffling of paper bags. "Help."

He gets up to open the door to see Jeongin carrying so many food bags that Changbin can barely see his friend behind it, and he rushes to take some of the bags and place them on the table in front of the sofa.

"I got us lunch," he smiles, a warm, satisfied smile.

Changbin wants to kiss him but he opens one of the bags instead, seeing some of his favorite foods. He didn't even think about eating lunch, his mind was so divided between the music and the love he's struggling with that he forgot about lunch, the scent of pasta fills his nose and his stomach grumbles despite the butterflies filling it.

"You didn't have to," he says, Jeongin probably had a busy schedule and still came to see him, despite Changbin trying to avoid him, he felt a little guilty now.

"I missed you," Jeongin says absentmindedly as he takes the containers out of the bags, unaware of what he's doing to Changbin right now, so he gets no reply. "And I knew you were going to be busy since you even canceled on me, so I didn't want you to worry about another thing," he smiles sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

"Thank you, Ayen-ah," Changbin doesn't know if he's happy about this. He is, but he's also heartbroken over his heart thumping on his chest because of how casual this is - easily something Jeongin would do for a future boyfriend. "You're so cute," Changbin attacks him with a hug, keeps up his image and ignores his feelings by trying to kiss his cheeks with loud noises. Jeongin manages to avoid him but Changbin notices how a blush creeps up on his cheeks.

"Ah, hyung- stop," he laughs and the sound fills Changbin with a hope he doesn't want to feel. "The food will get cold."

He takes out the last container, with a sweet fruit salad to share for dessert and they start to eat, first in comfortable silence and then Jeongin notices something on Changbin's computer screen, how the archive looks much emptier than his other projects.

"How's the song going?"

"It's not…" Changbin slumps a little.

"What are you struggling with? Lyrics or rhythm?"

"I'm just distracted… Can't focus enough on it to move forward," Changbin eats more of his pasta, it's one of the best he's ever had - Minho's pasta still holds the number one title.

Jeongin looks mischievously at him, his eyes crescent moons with a smile the grinch would be envious of.

"Are you thinking about something or someone?" He raises his eyebrows.

"Hah, wouldn't you like to know," Changbin pokes at his food.

"Hyuuung," Jeongin playfully shoves his shoulder. "There's no secrets between us."

Changbin laughs, luckily Jeongin doesn't interpret it badly.

"It's something… someone did."

Jeongin audibly gasps.

"Who? What did they do?"

Changbin gives him a look: "Why are you so curious all of a sudden?"

"I have no love life and the other hyungs already figured things out, I'm living vicariously through you."

Changbin regrets asking.

"I have no love life either," he pokes his food again, a little too harshly, but when he notices that it deflates Jeongin's curious expression, he continues: "He doesn't like me back."

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's okay."

Jeongin looks a little revolted. "Why not?"

"What do you mean 'why not'?" Changbin chuckles. "He just doesn't."

Jeongin falls silent, chews his food for longer than needed before he says:

"I think anyone would be lucky to have you, hyung," he still doesn't look at Changbin while he says it, moving his own food around with his chopsticks, "very lucky."

Changbin can't look at him, can't swallow his food and reply how he wants Jeongin to be that person, to be his "lucky one", how he wishes to kiss him as a thank you for lunch and buy them dinner because he knows Jeongin has vocal lessons late at night, how he would have a warm cup of tea waiting for Jeongin when he gets home to soothe his throat after training, how he wishes they could then fall asleep on the same bed, so Changbin would kiss him goodnight without a care, cuddling him to sleep.

Changbin doesn't reply and Jeongin doesn't spark another conversation after that. He feels stifled by the silence that for once he doesn't know how to fill.

“Thanks, Innie,” he says after so long that it doesn’t feel directed at anything anymore. Jeongin gives him a warm smile with his cheeks full of food.

They share the fruit salad, Jeongin feeds him pineapple pieces and Changbin gives him the sweet sliced grapes. They share the silence too, Jeongin comfortably munches on his fruits and Changbin is lost in thought, trying to keep his heart at bay. Looks like he won’t be able to avoid Jeongin after all, not even if he tried to.

He feels a little empty when Jeongin has to leave for his own appointments, he almost felt the inspiration coming back to him while they ate in silence.

Chan comes back a while later, saying he got held back by one of their seniors that wanted his opinion on a song and leaving then hanging would be impolite. He finds Changbin slumped on top of his turned off computer screen, he just grumbles when Chan arrives and his hyung pats his back.

"What happened?"

"Innie stopped by to eat lunch together."

There's silence and when he opens his eyes, Chan is giving him the look.

"Don't start."

"We told you yesterday…"

"No-"

"That he might realize he likes you-"

"He doesn't-"

"Now that he's looking for love."

Changbin sighs. He won't even share the things Jeongin told him, Chan would make him more hopeful than he wants to be, he would believe him and get his heart broken. He just turns his head away from Chan and sighs louder.

“I’m not what he’s looking for.”

“You don’t know that, not even Innie knows that,” Chan sits beside him. “You know, I think it’s just a matter of time until he realizes his true feelings.”

Changbin regrets coming to the studio, he knows Chan can be insufferable when he wants and he thinks he’s lucky Jisung didn’t get there yet. But that luck doesn’t last much, there’s a knock on the door and Jisung arrives with a huge smile on his face and a blush still high on his cheeks and behind him, Hyunjin pokes his head through the door just to greet them before he goes to his dance practice.

Changbin is sick of all the couples around him. Even more now thinking that Jeongin will find someone soon and he’ll be the only single person in their group - Changbin doesn’t think anyone can resist Jeongin’s charms. He’s getting bitter like an old lime thinking about it.

“Bumped on Innie on my way here,” Jisung nudges Changbin with his shoulder when he sits on his other side, Chan makes a “cut it out” motion behind Changbin that Jisung doesn’t pay attention to. “Did you two have a lunch date?”

Hyunjin’s love for romance must be rubbing off on his boyfriend.

“We’re not together.”

Jisung laughs at him, “very funny, hyung.”

He stops laughing when Changbin’s frown deepens.

“Oh, no, did you two break up?”

Changbin wonders if everyone in the group will have a reaction similar to this, or if Jeongin ever got a similar reaction from someone.

“We never dated, Innie doesn’t like me like that.”

“You’re wrong," Changbin crosses his arms, waiting for Jisung to continue knowing he's the wrong one. "When he left he was all smiles and he didn't even have a schedule around here today, he came here just to see you."

"Friends do that for each other too."

"Hyung, I know you like him, I know he likes you too."

"Okay, let's talk about something else, how was your date?" Chan swoops in, seeing the cloud above Changbin's head get darker and darker.

Jisung immediately perks up, eyes shining with a smile on his face.

"I got him a gift for our anniversary and another as an apology for forgetting and he loved both of them. He wanted these expensive brushes but he was scared of buying them and not liking how they feel, so I got them for him."

Chan smiles at Jisung proudly, he and Hyunjin fought so much at the start that he never really expected them to be the first of the group to become a couple, he was happy that all their fights were in the past and now everything between them was settled calmly - even if more dramatically than needed, but that was part of the fun.

Changbin loves how in love his friends are, he really does. He also feels like he'll explode if he has to listen about how in love all of them are for too long.

🔹

Jeongin goes home with his chest and his belly full, in his living room he crosses with Minho, who was half laying on the couch doing some lazy leg exercises.

He talked to Changbin about this, but Changbin's love life wasn't very lucky - which Jeongin wondered why the whole way home - so he decided to ask someone who actually had some luck, even if he bitches about said love all the time. Jeongin knows how in love Minho and Seungmin are, sometimes he knows too much when he forgets to charge his earphones and stays up too late.

"Hyung, how is it being in love?"

Minho's leg falters and he scrunches his face, Jeongin doesn't know if it's because of the question or from the exercise.

"Aren't you-" Minho stops himself, wondering  what happened between Changbin and him, did they break up? "Why do you want to know?"

"Just curious… To know what it feels like."

"I thought you knew?" Minho says, no judgment in his voice, just as much curiosity as in Jeongin's.

But he shakes his head and gives an awkward chuckle, "I never… felt that before."

"Does Changbin know?"

"Yeah? He was the first to know?" Jeongin replies, full of confusion.

"Is he okay?" Minho worries, they never faced a breakup in their group before. "Are you okay?"

"We're fine?" Jeongin affirms, his confusion makes it sound like a question. 

“Oh, good,” Minho manages to school down his expression, this was even more confusing than he initially thought. 

Jeongin tilts his head, “anyway, what does it feel like for you?”

“I don't usually think about that."

"C'mon, hyung, at least try? For me?" Jeongin has constant kitty eyes and it's a struggle for Minho to ever deny him anything.

So he sighs and tries to describe something that is so natural for him he doesn't think about what it means or how he feels it, he just does.

"It makes me feel powerless at the same time that it’s empowering. Like, I can’t help what I feel, but I don’t care that I feel so strongly…” Minho never really stopped to put his feelings into words, he never needed to, he and Seungmin barely say “I love you” to each other, resorting to little provocations and jabs that would be too annoying for anyone else but for them, it makes them feel alive. They know each other so well, communicate so easily, that all the provocations in public are just amusing.

Jeongin nods, understands without understanding, he feels like that towards his friends, what's the difference?

"But how did you know you were in love with Seungmin hyung?"

"I knew when I couldn't see myself without him," Minho forces himself to admit for his struggling friend, the things he does for Jeongin… "When I thought of going somewhere I wanted to invite him first, even if we would both be in silence, or when I wanted to eat something so badly but I'd rather wait for him so we could share."

Jeongin nods again, still conflicted.

"I knew because when I thought of being with him, it wasn't like being with the others, while we," he gestures to himself and Jeongin, "hang out as friends, me and Seungminnie, want more than a simple friendship, we're best friends but we also want-"

Jeongin makes a face, "ok, I get it, thanks, hyung."

"Good," Minho also makes a face. "Enough of me and Kim Seungmin," he goes back to his full name, not letting the fond "Seungminnie" slip out of his lips again.

Jeongin wonders if there's something wrong with himself then, he feels strongly for all his friends and most of the feelings Minho described are things he would do for his friends, he never wanted to kiss any of them, so he thought that's what differentiated them. He even wonders if he is in love with his friends, he doesn't think so, but then Minho never mentioned any of the things the love songs did.

"But, hyung, what about the love songs?"

"-Love songs?"

"Yeah," Jeongin feels shy, like he's too innocent and immature under Minho's gaze. "The floating feelings and the butterflies…?"

"That's… there, along the way. It settles down after a while, or you just get used to it. It hits you like a truck when it comes back once in a while, when you realize just how in love you are with someone you already loved."

"Hm… I see," so there was some truth to it, in his inexperience he doubted all of the things the songs described.

"Where's all this coming from, Ayen-ah?"

"Hm- yesterday I went out with Binnie hyung and I just realized I've never been in love before, all of you are in relationships and I haven't ever felt that strongly for anyone…" He hesitates to say and then lets go in a single breath.

"No one?" Minho asks, surprised Jeongin never noticed how everyone just treated him and Changbin as one, how Jeongin himself would cuddle up to Changbin any chance he got and allow him to kiss his cheeks and hold him without complaining like he usually did. But he wasn't going to be the one to point it out, not when he knew he only had an outsider's perspective, he knew how Changbin felt, how he never hid it but apparently even out in the open, it passed right under Jeongin's sharp eyes.

"No one," he confirms. "I was thinking… that maybe I could go on a date?"

"Are you asking permission?" Minho jokes when Jeongin sounds unsure, like he doesn't actually want it.

Jeongin laughs, a blush on his cheeks from admitting something that made him feel so vulnerable.

"No, just advice, maybe if you know someone that would match well with me…?"

"I know Changbin," Minho thinks, " he's a great match for you."

"Sorry, Innie…" Minho thinks that even if Jeongin doesn't know yet, Changbin is what he's looking for. "If you want someone who isn't another idol, maybe you should ask someone from the staff for advice, maybe to set you up on a blind date.”

“That’s a great idea, hyung!” Minho wanted no credit for it, he didn’t think Jeongin would find love with one, at least not immediate love, but maybe it could bring a realization.

“But Innie, you should know, love doesn’t feel the same for everyone. Just because the love songs describe it like that, doesn’t mean it’s what you are going to feel.”

With love, Jeongin always felt like he took one step forward and two steps back.

Later, in his room, the bland ceiling was a canvas for his thoughts as he pondered over his day. He should have asked others how love felt for them too, not just Minho. But he didn’t think he would understand until he felt it for himself, if he ever would.

Jeongin even searched for it, and now the thoughts in his head were even more confusing, there were so many terms he could claim as his on the internet, but he felt like he still didn’t know himself enough to confidently say what he was.

He felt calm and content around his friends and wasn’t concerned with loving them too much, it just felt right. He felt like the love from his friends made him complete, which is probably why he never looked for a different type of love. He chose to love his friends with their qualities and their flaws, because while he could easily live without them, why would he? Their love made all of them better, made them feel powerful to overcome everything together. The only thing lacking from all those descriptions was that he never felt actively attracted to them. All of them were beautiful to him in different ways, even if they weren’t professional idols, but he never wanted to kiss or fuck them before. 

Except this one time he was drunk and accidentally kissed Minho’s lips when he tried to give him a simple cheek kiss, which then led to Jisung asking Jeongin for a kiss too until they were both sober, but even that was an accident. It got both Hyunjin and Changbin sulking, Hyunjin because his boyfriend was playfully running after someone else and Changbin because… Jeongin never actually figured it out. For a long time he thought Changbin actually liked Minho and would join his and Seungmin’s relationship if they only asked, but when he asked Changbin about it, he denied, looking at Jeongin like he grew another head, saying he already liked someone else. That was a year ago and Jeongin never found out who he liked at the time, he also never saw Changbin dating anyone and he wondered, again, how someone like Changbin could be so unlucky with love.

Before his thoughts drifted too far away from himself, Jeongin thought about Minho’s words again, and if love felt different for everyone, would he ever experience it mixed with lust? Did he have to? Maybe love for him was only platonic and lust was purely sexual, he never really got to experience both at once before, most of the kisses and one night stands he had were only because he thought the other person was interesting and that made them attractive to him, but he never got to know them enough to know if he could fall in love with them.

He almost felt tempted to try and text one of them again but that didn’t feel right to him, he had to move forward to figure himself out, try something new and not go back to the past. He had never been on an actual romantic date before and he wanted to know how it felt, wanted to know if it would feel any different than going out for the movies with Changbin and sharing a meal afterwards, if it felt that different than going out to drink coffee with Seungmin, or playing games with Felix, or attempting to cook with Minho, and drawing alongside Hyunjin, art skills not comparable but still good enough to stay together and just laugh, would it feel that different from going to eat ice cream with Jisung and from staying up late talking to Chan, while looking at the sky together?

He already felt like his heart could burst from loving his friends, would falling in love be any different?

He fell asleep with a heavy heart, thinking and overthinking until he only realized he slept because it was bright outside, but he didn’t feel rested.

🔹

Word got around somehow during the week, he talked to one of their makeup artists and hairdressers and suddenly most people from the staff knew. Having them vaguely know about it didn’t bother him, but it was more than he wished they knew, their manager wasn’t too happy to know he wanted to try a blind date, that could be risky for his career if he got caught by the wrong people and if his blind date was the wrong person.

But Jeongin was as careful as he was stubborn, and he knew he could handle it, he was secretive enough on a daily-basis and he could just keep doing the same as ever.

“Can you find me a blind date then?” He asked the same person he supposed let the others know, before she could start on his makeup.

“Changbin-ssi, can you stay still while I fix your hair?” The hairdresser beside him asked, Changbin turned his head to Jeongin when he made the question, and the hairpin just hit his forehead.

“Sorry,” Changbin said, looking forward again.

“But what about you and…?” The makeup artist asked, eyes flicking up to a Changbin making a “X” sign right out of Jeongin’s vision.

“Me and who?”

“Changbin-ssi!” The hairdresser complained and when Jeongin looked behind him Changbin was apologizing again, chuckling as he looked forward.

"Cute," it crossed Jeongin's mind.

“Nevermind,” the makeup artist said. “Are you sure? Blind dates are hardly successful."

"Yeah, I want to try all the possibilities."

She sighed, "I will think of someone."

"Okay."

"Do you have a preference?"

"Of day?"

"Of gender."

"Not really."

"Okay, I have someone in mind if you're free this weekend."

"Already!?"

"The sooner the better right?"

"I- I guess so."

"Great."

Jeongin hummed, expecting to feel more excited than this. They were silent for a while, he closed his eyes to she could take care of his eyeshadow and when he opened them again and glanced at Changbin, he was met with a funny face, similar to the one Changbin gave him whenever they did their Maniac stages, there Jeongin could control himself not to laugh but here he buckled forward, laughter easily leaving his mouth with the weird tension growing in his chest.

"Changbin-ssi!" The makeup artist and hairdresser complained at the same time.

🔹️

The week flew fast, Jeongin spent a lot of time with his thoughts between the schedules and barely got to spend time with his friends beyond what was planned by the company, he missed just spending time with them without having anything previously planned, but whenever they had free time they would stay with their boyfriends… he missed Changbin, who was constantly busy in the studio or at the gym, with a new motivation he was lacking two weeks ago. Jeongin tried to go eat with him sometimes, bring him lunch at the studio or get dinner together, he wouldn't go so far as accompanying him to the gym though, Changbin's work outs were too much for him right now.

On saturday, he and Changbin would usually do something together, even after all the small dates during the week, he never got tired of having him around, even when he was loud and whiny, Jeongin still cherished his presence.

This saturday though, he had a date - a proper date - with someone. Their makeup artist assured that this guy was nice and trustworthy and that was all Jeongin could ask beforehand as a pro idol, he was assured nothing would be leaked and they would have private time together at a restaurant so Jeongin dressed up and got there on time. 

His date, on the other hand, was late.

Jeongin didn't really mind waiting, whenever he went out with Changbin he would always be forced to wait while he got ready, so he distracted himself alternating between looking at his phone and eyeing the menu. When his date arrived, he was so distracted that for a second he expected to see Changbin greeting him, but his date was taller, skinnier and didn't have the full cheeks and dimples when he smiled. He wasn’t expecting to see those things on him but, somehow, not seeing them was unsettling.

“Hey, I’m Changwoo, sorry for being late,” he gave an apologetic smile, extending his hand for Jeongin to shake.

It made him feel like it was a business meeting. His hand was soft and his fingers were lean and long, much like his own, but he mindlessly sought to soothe calluses that weren't there.

“It’s okay!” Jeongin replied, letting go of his hand and sitting down again.

“I got stuck at work and there was a lot of traffic.”

“Ah, yes, it’s hard at this time of the day,” Jeongin sympathized. “What do you work with?”

“I’m a kindergarten teacher," he says, also eyeing the menu, not like he's looking for something but like he's just occupying himself.

"Oh, really?" It's ironic, since Jeongin also considered being a kindergarten teacher, and he tells him as such.

"Hm, so maybe we would have met either way," he smiles gently, he's beautiful when he smiles, Jeongin thinks, but it's not the kind of smile that makes him entranced.

He enjoys the flirty tone more than he expected, the implication that maybe they would have found each other, however, feels a little daunting on him, even if he knows it's just playful. It's silly that it makes his heart beat faster but doesn't make him eager for more, he could settle here in the unknown and he'd feel comfortable.

He shakes those thoughts away, knowing they're overcoming him just because he doesn't know Changwoo that well yet and he was never good at connecting so fast, he needs some time with new friends - and perhaps some dates with possible partners - to feel something that will make him want them closer.

"Maybe we would," he adds anyway, keeping the possible wink for himself, for when he's sure of what he wants. "How is it?"

“It’s pretty tiring but it’s fun, kids are so spontaneous not a day goes by without laughing,” he settles his menu down. “It’s a little more stressful when the idol shows come to our school, but even then, it’s pretty nice.”

“Oh, you must know a lot of them, then.”

“Most of them don’t talk to us so much,” Changwoo said.

“That seems…”

“Oh, it’s fine!” Changwoo reassured him. “Filming is always a rush, you must know.”

“You’re right, filming is always a rush…” Jeongin replied, wondering if sometimes in the haste of filming he would also ignore or be accidentally impolite to their staff, probably, but he would pay more attention to that from now on.

“Ready for your order?” A waitress asked, with a digital notepad by their table, they both ordered what they wanted to eat and Jeongin ordered the usual, or one of them, since Changbin would often also order the other plate he liked and they would share it, he thought it would be impolite to suggest that to Changwoo.

“You don’t eat much?” He asked, having ordered almost twice as much as Jeongin.

“I- I shouldn’t,” he replies with a scratch on his head.

“Oh, idol, I almost forgot,” Changwoo said without looking at him and Jeongin wanted to ignore how it felt like freezing water dripping on his already cold gut.

He was forcing himself to be comfortable but for the next hour they spent together, Jeongin couldn’t stop thinking he was on a date with the wrong person, but he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out who would be the right person to him.

Changwoo asked then, how was it being an idol, and Jeongin shouldn’t, but he felt small. He didn’t have experiences with anything else, being an idol was all he knew, since young his life was school and training, training to debut, training for his tests, training for new songs and new comebacks and training to wake up in time for lessons, school lessons, vocal lessons, dance lessons. He didn’t know how else to be, and it put everything in perspective to be with someone almost his age with such a different background, it made him lose his appetite.

“Being an idol… is hard. It’s very consuming, it can become all we are if we’re not careful.”

But Changwoo didn’t seem that interested in the hardships, he wanted to know more about Jeongin’s friends and idols from other groups, it felt like gossiping to someone he shouldn’t about someone he shouldn’t.

They ate with more small talk. Jeongin regretted not getting a bigger portion and ate his food in small bites, which he dragged to make it feel longer.

Changwoo was nice and he was pretty in a way a lot of guys would fall over, but Jeongin knew, almost at the end of their date, that this would definitely not work and it wasn’t because Changwoo did anything wrong, but because Jeongin himself did.

He kept comparing him to his friends throughout the whole thing, even if logically he knew a person he just met wouldn’t be as comfortable to be around as he was with his friends, their tastes didn’t match for much of anything, Jeongin preferred salty food while Changwoo preferred sweets - and that wouldn’t deter Jeongin normally, but he was being a harsh judge for this whole thing and he couldn’t ignore any details, even silly ones - Changwoo didn’t like to play games, said he associated them with kids too much and would think they’re boring, and Jeongin was unpleasantly surprised to hear that, the silences weren't so comfortable, but Jeongin reasoned that that could get better with intimacy, he tried to hold Jeongin’s hand at one point and although he wasn’t as bothered by the touch, he was bothered by how the calluses were at the wrong place, how he found writing calluses instead of weight lifting ones. And Jeongin, who would laugh at almost anything despite his façade, didn’t laugh much at their date, not as much as Changbin would make him laugh whenever they went out together.

Jeongin checked his watch, it was getting late, not as late to leave but late enough to want to make an excuse for an escape, and as if on cue, Changwoo said:

“Should we get the bill?”

“Sure, Changbinnie.”

Ordering the bill was where Jeongin’s biggest mistake happened. He widened his eyes and tried to play cool, maybe Changwoo hadn’t listened.

“Changbin?” And from the way he slowly said it, Jeongin’s words were loud and clear.

“Sorry!” Jeongin blushed, wanting to hide but just closing his eyes, seeing Changbin behind his eyelids was not helpful either. He shouldn’t be thinking about him right now.

“It’s fine,” Changwoo looked down. “You look cute when you blush.”

“Ah- Thank you?” Jeongin didn’t know what to say.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Are you on this date to get over someone else?”

Jeongin was confused by the question and the time he took to reply was taken as an answer he didn’t intend. He heard Changwoo sigh before saying:

“You’re pretty cool and you’re very beautiful, and I think we could match more later on… but I don’t want to be a rebound, Jeongin. I’m sorry.”

“No- this is not-”

“It’s fine! I had rebound dates before and they were pretty nice too… They just rarely go anywhere, so I’d rather make myself clear.”

“I appreciate your honesty,” Jeongin said, wanting to continue but being interrupted by their waitress, and by the time the bill was paid - split between them - Jeongin forgot what he truly wanted to say, more than that, he didn’t feel comfortable to admit this was technically his first proper date, not to someone who looked much more experienced than he was.

They said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and Changwoo whispered “we should keep being friends” before waving and leaving with his taxi.

Jeongin waved too, sighing while thinking about what to do next.

He calls Changbin, feels like the most logical thing to do despite him acting completely on instinct.

“Innie?” Changbin's voice on the other side instantly soothes an ache in his chest he didn’t know was there.

“Changbin hyung, can you pick me up?”

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Jeongin hears the rustling of fabric on the other side.

“I’m fine,” “but for some reason I miss you.”

“Innie-”

“I’m gonna text you the address.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

Jeongin waited near the restaurant, kicking some loose rocks on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets.

The date in itself wasn’t that bad - not that he had much experience with those - but he couldn’t stop thinking about how Changwoo thought he was trying to get over someone else. Was saying someone else’s name what gave that impression? Or was it how he subconsciously compared every aspect of his to someone else? Maybe he wasn’t as subtle about that as he thought he had been. He didn’t want to give up on the first try but what if he went on a date with someone else and they thought the same? What if he was the problem? The comparisons and the insecurities of meeting someone new would probably accompany him if he went on another date, so maybe he wasn’t ready to try yet.

He chuckled at himself then, he never really dreamed of romance. His idea of romance had always been weirdly tangled to his idea of friendship, but it always felt unattainable and idealistic, and he never thought it could or had to be different until he tried to separate them, until he wanted to have a romance and all his friendships felt much better.

“Hey,” Changbin arrived, leaning over the passenger seat to open the door for him. “What are you doing here?” He asked as soon as Jeongin sat down and fastened the seatbelt.

“I came here for that date,” Jeongin reminded him, frustration slipping on his tone.

“Ah,” Changbin pauses, looking ahead when Jeongin turns to look at him. “How was it?”

Jeongin just sighs.

“That bad?”

“It wasn’t… that bad, I think I just expected too much.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t get why it feels so much better being around friends than trying to find someone to date.”

“Hm…”

“Doesn’t it?”

“I think it’s just different… and you can date your friends too,” Changbin says, gripping the steering wheel a little harder. “I think the person you date should be someone you cherish as a friend too.”

"Yeah, I know…"

"And there's different types of love, you told me that before, maybe you can be platonically in love with someone, did I say that right?"

“Yeah, and you're right…" He falls silent for a few seconds and thinks of something: “Is the person you like also your friend?”

“Uhm, let’s talk about your date. What happened? Do I need to hunt him down?”

Jeongin chuckles, he’d always smile easily in Changbin’s company and Changwoo’s words were echoing in his head.

“It’s okay, we just weren’t a match,” he says and in the passing lights of the street, he thinks he sees the ghost of a smile on Changbin’s face, but he turns away before Jeongin can confirm.

“Are you laughing?” He asks, trying to mask the mirth in his own voice.

“No, sorry,” Changbin bites his lips to keep his smile at bay, he didn’t want to be too obvious, but he doesn’t think Jeongin will notice. As a friend, he’s sad Jeongin had a bad experience but as the one who’s been in love with him for so long, he can’t help but be satisfied.

“My date was a mess and you’re laughing!” He hits his arms.

“Sorry, baby,” Changbin keeps laughing, saying between giggles and hits on his arm: “You were so excited, I shouldn’t be laughing.”

Jeongin looks at him and shakes his head, but notices how his eyes close when the smile spreads on his face, how a cute dimple shows on one side of his face and how his cheeks look fuller, and he’s struck by his own running heart, looking at Changbin now makes him short of breath - he is everything he kept comparing Changwoo to.

Changbin is the comforting presence he wanted at his date, and while part of him says that it’s just because he’s used to going on dates with him, there’s another voice, that sounds suspiciously like Changwoo, telling him that he was trying to get over Changbin, implying that he already had a love he hadn’t realized.

“Wanna go get ice cream?” Changbin cuts through the clouds over his head.

“Yeah, if you pay,” Jeongin agrees, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts just yet, knowing Changbin can fill the silence for both of them.

“I’ll spoil you.”

“Then let’s go.”

Jeongin orders for both of them, so used to knowing what Changbin wants that it comes as second nature to him, and every time Changbin replies with “just what I wanted, thanks, babe,” Jeongin deals by himself with the pride that comes with knowing his friend so well.

He thinks he would be satisfied to have this forever.

“Maybe I should give up on blind dates,” he says when they sit down.

He doesn’t know if he means it, but his thoughts are all scattered and he hopes for something he isn’t sure yet.

“So soon?” Changbin asks, but he also seems hopeful.

“I don’t know… It’s awkward, I’d much rather go out with you.”

Changbin’s stomach flutters, he is sure Jeongin isn’t even aware of the implications of what he said, and to alleviate his own heart, Changbin teases him instead:

“So would you rather go on a date with me? Your favorite hyung?”

“Who said you’re my favorite hyung?” Jeongin smirks, raising an eyebrow but not denying.

“With your cutest hyung?” Changbin offers instead.

Jeongin shakes his head, unable to contain his own smile.

“I like going out with you, you make me feel comfortable,” he gathers the melting ice cream on a spoon and eats it slowly before adding: “And yeah, you are pretty cute.”

Changbin smiles back at him, Jeongin is so bright that it makes him melt like the ice cream in the warmth of his lips.

“You know- I was so embarrassed about it… When the date was ending I called him by your name…” Jeongin hides his face in his hand.

“Wow, so you’d really rather go out with me instead,” Changbin teases him again, to distract himself from his own pounding heart, trying to convince himself that it was just a coincidence, that Jeongin didn’t spend his date thinking about him.

“Not if you act all cocky about it,” Jeongin steals some of his ice cream in retaliation.

“Hey! I thought you liked it when I acted cocky,” Changbin watches him eat the stolen ice cream, focusing too much on how wet his lips look around the spoon, at how they look a red from the coldness.

“Who said that?” Jeongin stabs Changbin's ice cream, he lets him eat more of it.

“You?”

“I never said that,” Jeongin says, recalling all the times Changbin would act a bit too confident and he'd say “Hyung, you're so cool!”

“You're so cute, Innie,” Changbin chuckles, gently wiping ice cream from the corner of Jeongin’s lips with a napkin.

Jeongin stops. Time stops.

Changbin called him cute countless times before but this time he realizes just how much he revels in it. When his date called him cute before he felt shy, he knew he was objectively cute, but when Changbin calls him cute he wants to boast about it.

The difference shocks him, he stares at Changbin while the ice cream he had on the spoon falls back into his cup, he licks his own lips when Changbin looks up at him again, and for a brief second, he catches him staring at how his tongue wets his lips, and it shocks him again, two shockwaves running down his spine in short succession, enough to jump start his heart into realizing: "I could love you."

“I have a friend,” Changbin starts, but he frowns, like it pains him. “That would like to go on a date with you.”

“I’m not sure-” Jeongin rushes, feeling out of breath.

“I’m sure he’s a great match for you,” Changbin continues, playing with his melting ice cream instead of eating it.

“But- I don’t know-” it’s suddenly too soon, he doesn’t want a date anymore, he wants to stay here with Changbin in this ice cream booth until he figures out what the fluttering in his chest is, but Changbin is the one trying to shove him out of it.

“Only if you want to,” Changbin says. “But I’m confident you’ll like him.”

“More than I like you?” Jeongin murmured, feeling his heart in his ears.

“I hope not, I’m still yours- your best friend,” Changbin chuckles without looking at him, he must be imagining things. Maybe he’s dreaming.

“I- Ok, I’ll go,” Jeongin isn’t sure, but he trusts Changbin, so he’ll do it just one more time, to be sure of what he feels.

Right now, he feels foolish, having momentarily forgotten that Changbin already likes someone else.

The silence feels awkward then, they finish their ice cream and go back to the car, Changbin hums to a song on the way back and Jeongin asks him to stay when they’re in front of his door.

Changbin agrees instantly.

The silence still pulls them apart inside Jeongin’s room, Changbin lays down on his bed and he goes to the bathroom to remove his makeup and do his skincare routine. He’s not usually bothered by it but it makes him overthink now. His date went wrong and he and Changbin haven’t been going out as often lately and he wonders if it’s his fault.

“Do you think I’m boring?” He asks, in the comfort of not being seen from his bed.

“You’re not,” Changbin replies matter of factly.

“What if I can’t date anyone because I’m not interesting enough?”

Changbin gives a dry chuckle, how ironic.

“You’re interesting, Innie. You’re amazing, and if they can’t see how cool you are, it’s their loss. I think anyone would be lucky to have you.”

"Lucky…" Jeongin rolls the word on his tongue like it's foreign to him, he wonders if Changbin felt the same way when Jeongin said these words to him a few weeks before. A tricky part of his mind whispered to him that maybe they would be lucky to have each other, maybe if Changbin didn’t like that mysterious friend and if he weren’t trying to set Jeongin up with another mysterious friend. This was too new for him, so he tried to change the subject before he accidentally spoke too much: “How was your day?”

He can’t see Changbin’s reaction from the bathroom, but from the sigh he assumes he'll try to bring up the subject again later, but he would give Jeongin time to think before and allow him to talk about something else.

“I was at the studio for most of the day, worked out in the morning and went out for lunch with a friend.”

“Did you have a date today too?” Jeongin asks and it’s foreign how his heart leaps when he thinks about Changbin on a date with someone. He tries to reason that it’s just because he never saw Changbin seriously date anyone before, but the more logical part of him knows it’s not that. He was always possessive of Changbin as a friend but never like this.

“Oh, no, he’s just a friend,” Changbin chuckles.

“Hmm, was it fun?” Jeongin wills his heart to settle, splashing some water on his face to remove the rest of his make up.

“Yeah, he’s trying to produce more songs now so we talked a lot about some personal projects we have.

“Together?”

“If we have projects together?” Jeongin nods. “We have some, but nothing for the near future.”

“Do you two go out together a lot?” His curiosity is accompanied by an uncomfortable warmth, and he can see Changbin through the mirror now, he looks conflicted.

“Yeah, we’ve been friends for a while so we try to go out whenever our schedules meet.”

“I see,” Jeongin continues, applying lotion on his face, it cools down the warmth in his cheeks until his eyes land on Changbin’s puzzled face again.

Changbin looks at him quietly, his puzzled expression gives way to a softer, fonder one and Jeongin doesn’t feel like he deserves it, Changbin looks at him like he can see through Jeongin, and he doesn’t like how he is right now: in old pajamas, with no makeup on, hair wet from washing his face clumsy, it makes him feel rougher.

“Stop looking, I don’t look good without makeup,” he touches his own cheeks again, pokes the side of his face and stretches the softness there.

Changbin frowns, taking the three steps that separated them.

“Don’t say that.”

“Sorry.”

Maybe he should have let Changbin go home instead. He feels like a mess, he feels insecure about his lack of love life, about how well he could hold himself on a date, if he was funny or cool enough, or even pretty enough, and now, with Changbin holding his cheeks between his hands he wants to be good on all those things, he suddenly wants to be wanted, Changbin’s hands feel soft and the small calluses against his face feel right, the warmth in his chest doesn’t feel uncomfortable. He realizes just how much he likes when Changbin holds him, as a friend and maybe as more. He doesn’t know what he wants, he just knows he wants to try.

“It’s not that- Innie. You look beautiful either way.”

He can’t hold Changbin’s gaze, he looks unrelenting when he’s comforting, he won’t give way for Jeongin to feel insecure in front of him, so he looks down and he subconsciously licks his own lips when his eyes meet Changbin’s, Jeongin can’t escape - but he doesn’t think he wants to.

“I think you might even look prettier without makeup,” he strokes Jeongin’s cheeks and his heart leaps again. “You look even more yourself without it.”

“You think I’m pretty because I look like me?” Jeongin snorts, that sounds so obvious.

“Yeah, there’s no one as beautiful as you.”

Jeongin briefly looks at his lips, the little pout they make when Changbin says the word beautiful, how pink and shiny they look. He swallows. Where does the sudden urge to know what his lips feel like come from?

Jeongin can’t say anything over the sound of his beating heart on his ears, too fast and too loud. He blushes when he locks eyes with Changbin again and it’s convenient that he gets pulled into a hug, he gets to hide his face on his neck and his arms feel strong and solid around him.

And it's also there, in the safety of Changbin's arms as they cuddle to sleep moments later, that Jeongin realizes that while he loves Changbin as a friend, his love is different, it's different from how he loves his other friends, even if it feels too similar if he doesn't focus on it. The realization doesn't scare him, doesn't upset him, he feels safe, content in a way he never thought these feelings would make him. Because even if one day Changbin becomes something else to him, he’ll always have the comfort of his friendship first.

He is a little upset however, that he searched for something akin to romance and craved it for so long only to hit a wall.

Changbin just offered to set him up on a blind date and Jeongin just realized his feelings for him might not be just platonic. But it feels right that Changbin is the one he fell for, he knew his platonic feelings for him were always stronger than for anyone else, but Changbin pointing out that he could be platonically in love with someone was what replayed in his head as he realized that’s exactly what it was. He never fell in love with anyone else because he was already platonically in love with Changbin and that felt good enough, strong enough, for him. The only difference now, was that his platonic love was accompanied by an attraction he wishes he had realized earlier, before Changbin offered to set him up with a friend, before he went on a blind date. But without those maybe he wouldn’t have had this realization. Right now, it was enough to make him consider that he could pursue a relationship with Changbin and be happy about it.

It's a disaster, or it should be, he thinks the possible rejection would hurt him more but right now, he's so surprised at his own realizations that he doesn't process that, he stays in the safety of Changbin's arms and doesn't focus on how Changbin doesn't think they're a match, because when they're tangled up like puzzle pieces under the covers, they feel perfect together.

It's like Changbin's senses his underlying stress and hugs him tighter, kisses the top of his head and caresses his hair, Jeongin feels wanted, that his presence here is something Changbin craves as much as Jeongin craves his - and that's comforting, even if it's wishful thinking.

When he wakes up, he can hear Changbin's steady heartbeat under his ear and he thinks that's his new favorite sound, lets himself bask in it for as long as he can, eventually falling asleep again like Changbin is his favorite lullaby.

🔹️

Changbin sets up Jeongin’s blind date for the next weekend. Jeongin avoids the subject all week.

He can't exactly avoid Changbin this time, after sleeping side by side, even if it wasn't a new occasion, Jeongin's feelings were all over himself, being too far from Changbin felt like torture, even if talking about a date with someone felt even more like it.

As much as he tried to avoid it, he knew now the time of the date and where they should meet, Changbin refused to say anything else about the man he was supposed to meet there, and he looked even more miserable than Jeongin the closer they got to saturday.

Jeongin thought about telling him, he never had any secrets he didn't tell Changbin and keeping this from him was exhausting. Jeongin didn't think anything had to change between them, he would be glad to keep being Changbin's friend, would survive without being anything else beyond that. Such strong feelings were new to him, he had never felt like this towards anyone before and he was sure he only fell for Changbin because of how close they already were, because even now, after falling, his feelings weren't that different, they were more intense, but he even surprised himself when he caught his thoughts wandering to how Changbin would feel against him, his lips on his and his body against his own.

He knew how the second felt and he tried to reason with himself that it was good enough, but he also allowed himself to think that it would be even better to either have him with less clothes, waking up beside him everyday.

Jeongin was still confused.

His newfound desire for Changbin got him spacing out when he watched Changbin eat, how his cheeks would puff and he would pout around his dessert, and also when he watched Changbin work out, how his clothes would cling to his wet skin and not leave much for imagination - Jeongin was very creative, his mind would still wander a lot.

Changbin didn't notice, but then again Jeongin didn't think much had changed, it wasn't from now that he stared at him, admiring his features and how cool he thought Changbin was, but on the inside he would drift, hoping for a miracle that by the end of the week Changbin would forget about his crush on whoever stole his heart first and fall for him instead, maybe springing up on the date he set up himself to take Jeongin away from the stranger he agreed to meet for some reason.

He sighed, maybe too loud.

"What's wrong?" Changbin asked, pulling away from him while they watched a show on Jeongin's bed, or Changbin watched, Jeongin hadn’t been paying attention to it for maybe an hour now.

Jeongin found excuses to be glued to him all week, he would try to be subtle about it while they were in public but in their rooms he would lay himself on Changbin until he complained - which he never did, only sometimes when his arm got numb.

He just kept missing the warmth of Changbin's chest against his cheek.

“Can you help me get ready for my date tomorrow?” Jeongin asks, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him to tell Changbin as such, so he changes the subject.

He hesitates to reply and when Jeongin looks at him, he sees a nervous smile on his face.

“I can’t… I- I have a date tomorrow too, so while you’re getting ready I probably won’t be home.”

It’s the closest Jeongin ever felt to a punch in the gut, it’s what keeps his stomach in place when he thinks it’s falling to his feet. He promised himself things would stay the same between them if Changbin never liked him back, but he never had to face Changbin dating anyone before, much less when Jeongin had feelings for him.

“With who?” He asks, and it sounds more inquisitory than he intended it to be, so he forces himself to sound softer, but he never felt a possessiveness like this. “Is it the friend you like? Did he finally agree to go on a date with you?”

“Ah, no… He’s- I don’t think he would think it’s a romantic date even if I invited him on one. To be honest, not even if I tried to kiss him, which I probably tried before.”

“Your friend is pretty dense,” Jeongin tenses his jaw. The last thing he wants to think about right now is Changbin kissing someone else.

“Yeah,” Changbin chuckles. “He can be a little airhead.”

There’s so much affection in his voice that Jeongin feels sick, he was such a fool to hope Changbin would somehow save him from his date. He set Jeongin up on it, of course he would be a supportive friend.

“Have fun on your date then,” Jeongin tries to sound happy for him, but he can’t help but ask: “Why are you going on a date with someone you don’t like?”

“Why are you going on a date with someone you don’t know?”

“Touché…”

“I’m just trying different ways to get over that friend,” Changbin says, and Jeongin doesn’t think it will be helpful to say that rebound dates often don’t work out, he has no experience with those - he’ll have experience with those tomorrow when he comes home from his date, and if he compared Changwoo to Changbin throughout the whole date when he didn’t even know he liked Changbin yet, he can’t even hope to think about something else on his next date.

“Tell me how it goes afterwards,” Jeongin adds, having a fleeting thought that maybe he wouldn’t mind if Changbin used him as a rebound, but he shakes his head, that would just put himself through unnecessary pain and Changbin would never agree if he knew how Jeongin felt now.

"You too," Changbin says, there's mirth on his voice, he sounds excited for the both of them and Jeongin just sighs, eating more chips from the bag near him and trying to pay attention on the movie again but it's useless, his mind is far far away, and he drifts off with a dream much like reality, where he sleeps beside Changbin and wakes him up with a kiss when his alarm goes off, because Changbin managed to sleep through it. It's warm and soft, comfortable in a way particular to dreams… but Jeongin wakes up without a smile on an empty bed.

He gets ready for his date on autopilot, he didn't see Changbin all day and he asks Hyunjin to help him get ready for his date instead. He feels if he gets ready on his own he'll just give up on going, but Hyunjin brings Felix and they both help him choose something nice to wear, it's a nice restaurant, one he’s been wanting to go for a while, so he wears a sweater with a cool design and a pair of pants he thinks match the soft pink well. Hyunjin coos at him when he applies some blush to his cheeks and a bit of eyeliner to accentuate his sharp eyes, he looks beautiful.

“I don't wanna go,” he mumbles after staring at himself for a few seconds.

“Why? What happened?”

“You’re not happy with the clothes? We can help choose something else!”

“No, it's just- I-” He sighs, turning to face them instead of looking at them through the mirror. “I think I have feelings for someone else.”

“You can't go on that date,” Hyunjin changes his tone. “You can't betray your feelings.”

“Maybe he should go…”

“Felix!”

“Who do you like, Innie? If you want to say.”

Jeongin doesn't hesitate to admit, falling for Changbin felt comfortable and safe, it felt right to have those feelings for his closest friend and it felt right to admit it to his other close friends, as easy as it felt to admit it to himself.

“Changbin hyung,” and for some reason, whispering his name when he was getting ready to go on a date with someone else made his heart jump on his chest, he indulged himself with thinking Changbin could interrupt his date and take him away but now he was the one wanting to do that for him.

“Ah,” it's all they both say at first.

“Finally,” Hyunjin says.

“What do you mean ‘finally’?” Jeongin asks, pretending to be mad, and Felix snickers beside Hyunjin.

“I mean, it was pretty obvious,” Felix adds.

“It was not?” Jeongin tries to defend himself.

“It was, you cling to him like you don't do to others and you laugh at his jokes like he's the funniest person in the world, which he isn't-”

“He really isn't,” Hyunjin adds.

“And you stare at him so much, like, I stare at his muscles a lot but you're way worse, I just like muscles and you like him , it was obvious even for me.”

“If it was so obvious why is he on a date with someone else?” Jeongin crosses his arms like a spoiled child that was denied his favorite candy.

“He what!?” They both ask at once.

“I asked him to help me get ready for this date and he said he couldn't because he’d be on a date already.”

“I'm gonna kill him,” Hyunjin says, sounding even more furious than he usually does over the dramas he watches with Han.

“So you two are wrong,” Jeongin says, way more satisfied than he should feel, but if he can't have Changbin at least he has this victory.

“I think he's going on that date to get over you then,” Felix chirps in.

“Nooo,” Jeongin whines, they can't be right.

“He's been pining over you for weeks, we all thought you two were together and that you broke up with him to ‘find true love’, we were all mad at you for breaking his heart,” Hyunjin says.

“Hyunjin was more mad than all of us combined,” Felix adds, but Jeongin knows, Hyunjin doesn't deal well with romance not working out, he gets mad at Minho and Seungmin at least once a week for the way they tease each other until it makes it look like they're actually fighting.

“Anyway,” Hyunjin continues loudly. “He has liked you for months, all the dates you two went on were not just two friends going out together, he'd tell me how you two hold hands and how you cuddle up to him and how he was working up the courage to kiss you but didn't want to cross a boundary.”

“Are you messing with me?”

Hyunjin grabs him by the shoulders, gently but still strong: “I don't mess around with love.”

"I don't know what to do-"

"I'm gonna call Changbin right now," Hyunjin says, letting go of his shoulders. "I'm gonna tell him to come home and take you on a date instead. He's such a fool."

"Don't- I don't- He's already on a date, he might not pick up…"

“Give me your phone, he’ll pick up if it’s you,” Hyunjin says, and on automatic Jeongin hands it to him, but Felix intercepts it before Hyunjin can grab it.

“Okay, let me handle the talking, you’re getting a bit worked up.”

Felix calls Changbin and after a few moments he picks up, he laughs when he hears Changbin say "Innie!" in such a baby voice.

"Hey," Felix starts, "what are you doing?"

He hears Changbin's reply and says: "Innie doesn't want to go on his date."

Hyunjin urges him to put the call on speaker so they can hear too, but whatever Changbin says next has him widening his eyes and saying:

"Oh, I see…" He waits another moment. "No, no, I get it."

"Okay, bye, hyung," he hangs up and gives the phone back to Jeongin, then continues: "I think you should go on your date, Innie."

It feels like being dumped on a bucket of ice cold water, he knows Felix didn't say anything about his feelings so there's no way Changbin would know, but it feels like a rejection.

"What did he say?" he asks but he's not sure if he wants to know.

"Nothing much," Jeongin knows he's lying, he wonders if Felix is doing it to protect him. "He said he can’t be home by the time you leave for your date, so you should go to yours."

"I can't believe him," Hyunjin says, crossing his arms as if he's the one being rejected.

Jeongin sighs, he thinks he should go on his own date then and stop hoping anything will happen between him and Changbin. It's ironic to him how he never wanted romance with anyone and when he finally does, when he finally feels comfortable and connected to someone enough to fall for them, they don't like him back.

"I guess I should go then,” he says, thinking that he should have told Felix to ask where Changbin is, to interrupt his date instead.

"Maybe you enjoy it!" Felix tries to cheer him up. "And if you really don't feel like it, tell him that you're not as ready as you thought you were, I'm sure he'll understand."

Jeongin wasn't as sure, but he didn't really have another choice considering he didn't have the guy's number to call the date off, he should have told Felix to say that to Changbin so he could let his friend know.

He mopes all the way to his date, the drive there seems slower and more boring than usual, and he catches himself scrolling through his socials until the driver tells him that they arrived, he almost tells him to drive back, that he won't stay there, but he gets out of the car anyway.

Jeongin walks slowly to the reception and asks about the reservation under his name, a waitress walks him to his table and he wants to laugh when his first thought is how his date is late, and how he's used to it because of Changbin, already comparing his date to him before he even meets the guy. He wanted to come to this expensive restaurant for so long and now he’ll be stuck on a date with someone he’s not interested in, on the first time he manages to find a reservation.

So he sits down and waits, it's almost fifteen minutes later when a familiar voice behind him says:

"Hey, baby. Sorry I'm late."

Jeongin frowns.

"What- Why are you here?"

"I'm here for you."

“What is this?” Jeongin asks, looking around. “Did your friend cancel? You could have called me.”

“No, Innie… I’m- I’m your date.”

Jeongin frown deepens, confused. Did Changbin figure out he was the one he fell for? Was he doing this to be nice? Or…

“Are you messing with me?” Jeongin trusts him - this is not the type of prank he thought Changbin would play on someone, not ever. He’s nervous when Changbin sits, heart pounding on his chest, for the first time scared of Changbin rejecting him in such a manner.

“Never, Innie. I really am your date, I- I wanted to surprise you, I didn’t think you’d take me seriously if I asked you on a date, I didn’t want you to think I was asking you out as a friend, so I set this up… And I understand if this makes you uncomfortable and you want to leave, but I hoped you could give me a chance.”

"Do you mean it?"

“With all my heart.”

“But what about your date with your friend?” Jeongin asks, thinking about how his previous date warned him that rebound dates never worked that well, if this went anywhere he didn’t want it to go south.

"The friend I said I fell for, it's you," Changbin smiles sheepishly. "It was all a ruse so I could set this up."

“Me!?” Jeongin gasps, feeling his heart on his throat, Changbin can’t be serious.

He looks around for a camera, if it’s not Changbin’s idea maybe it’s a prank from the other members or the staff.

“Yeah, it’s always been you.”

"Oh, Binnie, I'm sorry-" 

"It's okay!” Changbin interrupts him. “You made yourself clear that time and I'm aware of your feelings, I just thought I could shoot my shot and make you aware of mine. I thought you wouldn’t accept it if I just asked you straight away, or that you’d think it’s just another regular date… But nothing has to change between us! I made peace with my feelings and I promise I won’t let them get in the way of our friendship-"

"No! It's not that! I mean- I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how I feel for you…" If this is real, then jeongin has nothing to lose by admitting what he feels too, it's not the ideal setting, but what makes it ideal is Changbin loving him back.

"What…?"

"I don't know- I'm still confused," Jeongin holds his hand on top of the table, focusing on them instead of Changbin's strong gaze. "I've never felt this before… I never had these feelings or the opportunity to have these feelings, all I had before were quick things that couldn't and shouldn't last… but right now, I want this to last, with you. If you’re serious,” Jeongin adds like an afterthought.

“Of course I’m serious! Do you trust me, Innie?" Changbin holds his hand tightly when he asks.

"I do," Jeongin says in a heartbeat, he doesn't need to think about it. He'd put his heart in Changbin's hands on any regular day, and right now he'd trust that his entire being was in his heart. "Of course I do… But I need you to be patient with me,” his whole face warms up when he adds: “It’s my first time being in love.”

Changbin’s face softens even more somehow, with his sparkling eyes and downturned smile as he nods, Jeongin can barely handle how much affection he feels from and for him.

“We could go-”

“Nope, we’re having this date,” Jeongin lets go of his hand to get the menu.

“Alright,” Changbin chuckles, also getting a menu but looking at Jeongin over the top of it instead of choosing an option.

This is not how Changbin thought this would go, but he’s happy, he thought it would take more talking to convince Jeongin that he didn’t have to reciprocate Changbin’s feelings, their connection was beyond that, but having him actually want him back was the desire unattainable outcome - apparently not to unattainable anymore.

As usual, Jeongin chooses for both of them, somehow knowing what Changbin wants before he knows it himself, although they both know that if they asked, Changbin would blurt out that Jeongin is what he wants right now. He’d say that even before they were aware of each other’s feelings, the only difference is that now Jeongin would say Changbin can have him.

“Can I ask something?” Changbin asks, and Jeongin isn’t used to hearing him sound so unsure.

“Of course.”

“When did you know?”

“Hm… I think last week, when we went out for ice cream I realized, or started to realize, how I feel.”

Changbin hums, wondering how his idea of setting Jeongin up on a date right when he was realizing his feelings must have felt shattering, he didn’t regret it now that everything was fine, but he was lucky that Jeongin even agreed to this.

“How about you?”

“It’s been you all along, Innie. Every time I told you about a friend I like, it was you."

"Hyunjin was telling the truth…" He mumbles, more to himself than Changbin, but he hears it anyway.

"What- Did he tell you?"

"No- Yes- Not exactly. I told him and Felix earlier, that's why he called you. Hyunjin told me you like me, that our out dates were not just friendly dates to you and I'm sorry, Binnie, I didn't know, that must have been so upsetting… And he just said you like when I hold your hand and cuddle you…" Jeongin says, holding his hand again on top of the table, interlacing their fingers.

"I do," Changbin smiles dreamily at their hands, holding tighter. "I like it a lot."

"I'm curious… What did you tell Felix?"

"I told him my plan, told him to make sure you came on the date."

"I was sure you were rejecting somehow, even if you didn't know about my feelings yet."

Changbin chuckles.

"I'm sorry, Innie, I was scared of being rejected too. A while ago you asked me why we were the only two people in our group not in love with anyone but I was already in love with you, I was scared of being rejected again."

"You were?" Jeongin asks, surprised.

"Yeah," he looks at their hands on top of the table when he continues. "I had this whole plan, I thought we already had something back then and I was working up the courage to ask you to be my boyfriend."

"Oh.”

"Yeah, that's why everyone from the staff would ask about me when you talked about wanting to go on a date. I saw some of those and some other times they would come to me to ask if we broke up or if I was just okay with you cheating on me. They were really invested in our love life, even if that love life was more real inside my head at the time."

"I'm sorry, Binnie."

"It's not your fault, baby."

They let go of each other to eat and drink some wine and after the waitress leaves and a few beats of silence, Jeongin asks:

"What was your plan?"

"It will ruin the surprise if I tell you," Changbin smiles.

Jeongin lightly kicks his feet under the table, both nervous and excited to think about having Changbin as his boyfriend in the future, to have him as his from tonight.

"I'll wait for you then, just this once," Jeongin says.

"Thanks, Innie," Changbin lightly kicks his feet back, he knows Jeongin doesn't like to wait and he would ask him tonight if he didn't have an old plan to follow, he'll have to change it slightly, since this is the restaurant he wanted to do it on.

"Give me a hint?"

"No," Changbin blows him a kiss.

Jeongin looks at him, trying to pretend he's mad but he can't hold back his smile.

"Will you still cuddle me like you did this week?" Changbin asks.

Jeongin covers his face with one hand, embarrassed, but nods.

"I kept hoping you were doing it because you had feelings for me," he admits.

"It was, it is- I thought I'd lose you, because you were trying to set me up with someone else and then I found out you had a date too, I was scared you’d want to turn it into a double date and that at some point I'd have to see you kiss someone else."

Changbin looks at him, not expecting him to admit to all of it.

"I really troubled you, didn't I?"

"It's fine," Jeongin says, and he means it. "Besides, I put you through worse this past month."

"It’s okay, we’re okay now."

As their date goes on, Jeongin thinks how different he is from a few months ago, when he'd avoid focusing on the troubled feelings inside his heart, now, he still didn't make sense of everything, but he doesn't think he needs to, not all feelings can be just put onto labeled boxes, especially not when some of them fit in too many boxes at once.

What he feels for Changbin is still friendship, it forever will be, he knows because Changbin is the first person he thinks about when something exciting happens, and he can't wait to share the news with him, he wants to listen to what happened on his day, and tell Changbin about his, wants to hang out together and do nothing, because just being around each other is comforting enough, but also wants to do everything, because no time together is enough. And while a lot of those things stand true about their other friends, it's the first time Jeongin wants to have all of that and something more, he wants them to update each other about their days as they get ready to sleep on the same bed every night, wants to spend time together and fill their time with their touches, their kisses and sounds he wants only he and Changbin to share for now.

Jeongin knows that while not much has changed, because he wanted Changbin before and he wants him now, the list of things he wants - hopes - for them to share is much much longer.

And he doesn't fully know what he's doing, never having wanted to share so much of himself at once with someone, and he's happy and relieved that his heart chose Changbin, he wants to try for and with him.

The rest of the date is a blur, a mix of nice food, a bit too much of wine, and laughter that rolls off easy from him with Changbin around, on every few beats of comfortable silence between them, he wonders how he didn't realize before how Changbin was always there to catch him, when he cried Changbin would catch his tears, wiping them away before they fell, when he smiled, Changbin would catch his affection, rolling off of Jeongin in waves, and now, even before, he was here too, to catch his heart, to mark it and make his in his own way.

They go home together much like the week before, but now Jeongin can't find a single reason to complain about his date, maybe, only, that he didn't get to kiss him yet.

Jeongin closes the door behind him, not letting go of Changbin’s hand when he stands with his back to it.

There’s a silent question hanging on between them, that Changbin replies with a:

“Can I kiss you?”

And Jeongin nods, with a smile on his face and a warm blush on his cheeks, holding Changbin’s face with his free hand to bring him closer, he licks his lips nervously, butterflies swarm his stomach like angry bees, like he never felt before.

He thinks he’s shaking - or he starts shaking - when Changbin kisses him, a small press of their lips that makes Jeongin gasp, the same angry butterflies on is stomach carrying him up and up, until he feels like he’s floating in a space where just he and Changbin exist, he floats higher when he feels Changbin’s tongue press against his, a kiss so gentle and so patient that it feels like a caress on his confused heart, soothing all the aches he caused on himself. His heart trips over itself when Changbin pulls away and kisses the corner of his lips, kisses him again and it’s more urgent now, like he can’t get enough now that he had a taste, Jeongin feels Changbin’s smile against his lips and he can’t help but smile too, resting his forehead against his when he pulls away again.

“Hi,” Changbin says with another peck, Jeongin giggles on his lips.

“Hm,” he wraps his arms around Changbin’s neck, keeping him at kissing distance, pressing their noses together in a bunny kiss. He isn’t sure what to say next, even less when all the words running through his mind are “I love you,” so instead he kisses Changbin again, holding his cheeks between his hands and kissing them next, his chin scar, his forehead and his lips again, delighted when he hears Changbin giggle just like he did a few moments ago.

He doesn’t know how long they kiss against his door, time is the last thing on his mind when he feels Changbin’s lips against his, his heart calms on his chest and the butterflies on his stomach are not so angry anymore but he still floats, with Changbin’s arms around him pulling him closer with every kiss.

By reflex, when they pull away, Jeongin moves to take off Changbin’s shirt, and he freezes when he hears a chuckle:

“Wait, wait,” and Changbin holds his face between his hands, “do you want to do this?”

And he finds that he doesn’t, not yet. Before, with others, he didn’t have enough time to spare, but right now, with Changbin, he knows he doesn’t have to rush.

“No… Not yet,” he lets go of his shirt, still letting his hands wander over his torso, over the softness he always appreciated and that now he can touch freely. “We have time.”

“We have all the time in the world,” Changbin agrees with a blush, holding one of Jeongin’s hands as they go to bed.

They lay down side by side and through the open curtains the full moon lights the room just enough so they can see the warm smiles on each other’s faces, Changbin brings his hand to Jeongin’s cheek, caressing his bottom lip with his thumb, reverent like he can’t believe he can do it, moving just enough to give him another peck, to whisper his love between kisses, tangling their legs together and staying pressed against each other. Because from now, this can last, they have all the time to spare, to lose each other in their embrace at nights and wake up just as tangled the following mornings. For as long as they want to - for longer than forever.