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Today has been a bad day for Akito.
Well, that was a lie. It’d been a bad week, hell, even a bad month. Despite the highs that always came with performing live, it seemed every night he crashed and burned until he was nothing but a pile of cold embers. His pillows often ended up stained with his tears by the time he managed to drift off to sleep, his dreams haunted by his fuck-ups throughout the day. It wasn’t always bad, some nights he’d fall asleep peacefully, even rarer he’d go to sleep happy and satisfied.
Tonight, though, was not one of those rare good nights. His mind was loud, eyes unfocused as he lay on his bed. Earlier, Toya had been upset, his answers short and indecisive, eyes distant as Akito tried to get through to him. Eventually Toya just leaned against his shoulder, sighing out a ‘not now, please.’. Akito had obeyed, even if everything in him screamed to do something to help. Later, he’d seen Toya tucked against Tsukasa’s chest behind a tree, his shoulders trembling.
It stung, watching someone else do what he couldn’t for his boyfriend. He watched as Tsukasa gently combed his fingers through soft blue locks, body and face soft in a way Akito could never be. Eventually Toya had pulled himself away, and Akito decided it was time to stop watching. It stuck in his head for the rest of the day, reminding him of how unworthy he was for someone like Toya. After all, Toya was damn near perfect to Akito. Toya was incredibly intelligent, his dedication to studying was something to admire, along with his incredible singing voice, not to mention just how stunning he was. His body was lithe, delicate hands perfect for pressing piano keys or expertly playing arcade games. His pale skin was smooth and soft, adorned by dark moles, his eyes beautifully pale and framed by long eyelashes, his nose a smooth slope, lips plump and pink. It was like he was crafted by the gods themselves, placed onto this earth to be discovered by someone equally as perfect.
Akito wasn’t anywhere near perfect. He was an idiot with no talent or dedication, barely able to be remotely on par with his peers in anything. He wasn’t even attractive, dark skin marred with scars from a reckless childhood, his hair was greasy most of the time, brown roots coming in on his botched bleach job. He was too broad, his body wide and often intimidating, if Kohane’s reaction to seeing him the first time was anything to go by. The piercings that littered his face did little to distract from the gross acne breakouts that often covered his face, or his crooked nose from a poorly healed break, or his stupid chapped lips that peel, bleed, and scar. Looking in the mirror often left him disoriented and distraught, confused on how people could bear to look at him, how Toya could bear to look at him.
A quiet sob fell from Akito’s lips, and before he knew it he was curled around his pillow once more, crying quietly into the plush fabric. Toya deserved someone so much better, someone who knew what the fuck they were doing and how the fuck to do it. Someone who had their shit together, someone who was beautiful like him, someone smart, kind, funny, just someone who wasn’t Akito . Toya needed someone good, and the only thing Akito is good at is fucking things up.
“I’m sorry.” Akito sighed out between labored breaths, muttered to no one but the dark of his own room. “I’ll be better.” A strangled hiccup left his throat, betraying his wishes to keep his crying silent. “Please don’t leave me.” A final plea, whispered to no one. Akito looked up over the edge of his pillow, eyeing his phone, silently begging for someone to text him, reach out, talk to him. He needed someone right now, someone to take his mind off things and calm him down and keep him safe from himself.
Nobody did.
Biting down on his lip to suppress another sob, Akito turned around and threw an arm over his eyes. Distantly, he could make out the sounds of his sister on call with her friends, indicating it was already late into the night. She was laughing, and that just made Akito feel worse. He’d ruined her too, fucked up her relationship with their dad due to his drawings. He never even liked drawing, he just wanted to spend time with Ena, but whenever he showed her what he made, she’d get that look on her face before kicking him out of her room. He’d heard their dad shout at her, asking why she couldn’t just ‘be like Akito’, which confused him to no end. Now he could barely look her in the eye without guilt flooding his body, making him wish he could just disappear and make everything better.
The more he thought, the more he realised just how much shit he fucked up for everyone around him. He ruined Ena’s life by just existing, hurt Toya by not being good enough for him, fucked around with Tsukasa just for fun, watched as his ‘friends’ threw Rui into a dumpster back in middle school, hurt An and Kohane’s dream of surpassing RAD WEEKEND, damaged Ken’s reputation with his shitty singing, burdened the patrons of Crase Cafe with his issues, made his mom leave, and so much more.
Soft noises kept leaving him, his body curling up small, attempting to comfort himself in the absence of others. Akito, having already lost all dignity, buried a hand in his own hair, starting to slowly comb his own fingers through his hair, a shallow recreation of what his mother used to do before she left. His pillow was squished between his thighs, his free hand clutching it to his chest. Maybe he should do everyone a favor and die, go into the bathroom and take all his prozac, watch his reflection grow blurry before everything would cut to black-
His bout of self loathing was interrupted by the loud ringing of his phone, making him jump. A strangled whimper slipped past his lips at the caller ID, ‘partner <3’. He wants to answer, wants Toya’s comforting voice to enter his head, combat all of his dark thoughts, but he’s paralyzed by his fears. What if he’s calling to break things off? Or tell him how horrible he is? Akito decides it's worth it, even just to hear his boyfriend's voice. Shaky hands go to grab his phone, but before he can answer it, the ringing stops. Akito freezes, his breath catching as his phone screen goes dark again. He’s missed his chance, his only shot at feeling okay for even a few minutes.
The waterworks come back at full force, fresh tears tracing the sticky tracks left on his cheeks from before. He needs Toya, he knows that he will not be okay tonight if he doesn’t talk to him, but he can’t bring himself to call him back, or message him first. The thought of burdening Toya with anything was enough to make him shake on a good day, and it only made him wail harder now, hands going to pull at his hair. He buries his face in his knees, breaths fast and shallow as he struggles to think, sobs probably loud enough that Ena could hear him if she didn’t have headphones on. His face tingles with how hard he’s crying, snot dripping from his nose down his mouth and chin.
The sound of his phone dinging with a notification once again startles him out of his mind, hands scrambling to answer before he lets another opportunity slip away. Toya had texted him, words barely legible through Akitos blurry eyes. ‘I apologize for calling so late, I just wanted to check up on you.’ one message read, in that stupid serious style of texting that Toya always used. ‘I’m assuming you’re already asleep, which is good.’ No, no no he was awake! ‘Goodnight, Akito. Sleep well :)’ Akito desperately typed out a response, watching Toya fluctuate between online and offline. ‘no immawke’ Was what Akito managed through his tears, hands shaking terribly on his keyboard. ‘Are you alright, Akito? It’s late.’ Akito hesitated for only a moment, before deciding to just be honest for once. ‘no call mme plls’
Right as the message was read, Akito’s phone started ringing in his hand. Akito floundered for the accept button, bringing the phone up to his ear as soon as he could, biting his lip to stop crying by the time he answered. “Akito? Are you alright?” Toya’s voice reached his ears, soothing him in a way that he never would’ve achieved on his own. It broke him down further, sniffling and sobbing into the receiver in lieu of a traditional response. “Akito?! Why are you crying?” Toya sounded more than a little frazzled, accompanied by the rustle of sheets as he presumably sat up.
“I’m sorry.” Akito cried, his voice small and nasally like an upset child. Accurate. There was more noise on the other end before Toya spoke again.
“It’s alright Akito. Where are you? Do you need me to come over?” Toya offered, making Akito’s body burn with that all too familiar craving for touch. He wrapped an arm around his chest at the thought, whining through his tears.
“I’m at home.” Akito croaked, voice scratchy. “And please.” His voice hitched in the middle of his words, the please coming out as more of a pitchy wheeze. His body shook, helpless with the desire to be held.
“Okay.” Toya said, before his voice became fainter, talking to somebody else. There was the quiet sound of footsteps, and then light metal clanging together. “Tsukasa-senpai is going to take me there. I’ll be there in five minutes.” The sound of wind permeated the speaker, indicating that Toya had gone outside.
“Don’t hang up, please.” Akito choked out quickly, fearing the silence of his room. There’s a barely noticeable pause, before he can hear Toya sigh fondly.
“Of course not. I’m not going anywhere, Akito.” Toya assured, slightly calming Akito’s frantic nerves. The distant sound of a car engine starting was like music to Akito’s ears, reaffirming that he wasn’t going to be alone for much longer.
“Can you please talk?” Akito sniveled, wiping at the tears that still fell from his eyes. “I-I don’t care what about. Please.” He all but begged, stuttering over his words. Akito feels stupid, pleading for his boyfriend to talk to him, but it's better than that godforsaken silence.
“I love you.” Was the first thing Toya said, pulling another weak sob from Akito. “It’s going to be okay, I’m here for you.” Toya stumbled a little on his words, clearly not used to saying things like that. Akito relaxed a tiny bit, the tears slowing. “I love you.” Toya said again, the repetition of the phrase making Akito feel warm for the first time that night. “Okay, I’m here. Can you come open the door for me?” Toya asked, the sound of a car door shutting audible without the phone.
“Yeah, yeah I can.” Akito shakily stood up, body feeling light and heavy at the same time, but he pushed on. As he entered the hallway, he noted that Ena had gone quiet, hopefully meaning she was asleep. One hand braced against the wall, Akito made his way to the front door, his hand quivering as he reached for the door handle. The door creaked as it opened, and he was met with the beautiful sight of his lover. Backlit by car lights, Toya had his phone clenched tightly in one hand, eyes full of worry as he stepped ever so slightly closer to Akito.
Akito’s phone fell from his hand, hitting the floor with a dull thud, but he paid it no mind. Instead, he focused on throwing himself at Toya, clinging to him with all his strength. Toya stumbled back a little, arms wrapping tightly around Akito’s back, rubbing it when he started to weep loudly once again. “I’m so sorry.” Akito whispered, voice hoarse. Toya simply shushed him, gently pushing him back inside the house. Without letting go, Toya managed to close the front door and get Akito to the sofa, lowering him to sit down on it. “Fuck, I’m sorry about all of this.” Akito hiccuped, wiping uselessly at the new stream of tears.
“Don’t apologize, Akito.” Toya, with some of the softest movements Akito has ever experienced, takes his face into his hands, tilting his head up so they can make eye contact. “Please, don’t apologize for asking for help. I will always come to you when you need me.” Toya pressed fleeting kisses where Akito’s tears fell, eyes undeniably fond, even as Akito’s face scrunched up, loud sobs and gasping breaths escaping him. “I love you so, so much, Akito. More than you’ll ever know.” Toya laid against the couch, tenderly pulling Akito to lay against him.
“I love you too.” Akito cries, hiding his face in Toya’s shoulder. Gingerly, he wraps his arms around Toya’s waist, sighing shakily when Toya wrapped an arm around his back, his other hand going to gently brush ginger strands. Akito’s tears stop, though the distressed sounds he made stayed, worrying Toya to no end.
“...I’m sorry to ask this, but what happened?” Toya eventually caved, pulling back to look into Akito’s eyes. Such a beautiful shade of olive, he often found himself lost in them. Akito hummed, biting his lip as he turned away. Toya frowned, moving his hand to thumb just below his lip, disencouraging the action. Akito went a little red, but stopped nonetheless.
“Just some bad thoughts.” Akito tried to dismiss it, but Toya wasn’t having any of that. He once again grabbed Akito’s face, before leaning forward and sweetly kissing the tip of Akito’s nose. He huffed at that, cheeks flushing darker as Toya began to kiss all over his cheeks, forehead, chin, and even on his eyelids. It was clear Toya had the intent to kiss one more place, but he waited for Akito to nod before slotting their lips together. Akito melted into the kiss, one hand finding its way to the short hairs that tickled the base of Toya’s neck, the other holding Toya’s waist firmly. Akito sighed as he pulled away, putting his face back into the warm crook of Toya’s neck.
“Please do not lie to me, Akito.” Toya says, his hands slipping under Akito’s hoodie, feeling the warm skin underneath. Akito sinks further into Toya’s touch, eyes falling shut.
“It was just some bad thoughts.” Akito grumbles, kissing the mole on the underside of Toya’s chin. He feels Toya take a breath, but interrupts him. “Earlier today, when you were upset, I couldn’t do shit to help you. It made me think about some other shit and I started to spiral real bad.”
“Oh, Akito.” Toya coos, making Akito’s face feel like it was on fire, his heart starting to beat a little faster. Whenever Toya spoke in that undeniably soft and passionate voice, Akito couldn’t help himself. He latched onto every word, keeping them in his mind to look back on. “I didn’t want to tell you because I was worried it’d make you upset, but now I see that was the wrong call.” Another kiss was planted on the crown of his head before Toya continued. “My father and I fought the other night, and he insulted you gravely. I ended up talking to Tsukasa-senpai about it after, and I stayed at his house.”
Akito groaned, reaching up to flick Toya on the forehead. “I don’t care what that asshole says, fuck him.” A traitorous yawn broke out from Akito, reminding him of just how late the hour was. “Thanks for telling me now, Toya.”
Toya nodded, before turning to his side, effectively squishing Akito in between himself and the back of the sofa. “We should sleep.” Was his only explanation, throwing his leg over Akito’s thighs.
“Eh?!” Akito exclaimed, blushing like a fool as Toya sighed against his ear, seemingly content with how they lay. Akito tried to wrap his arms back around Toya, but he caught Akito’s wrists before they could get very far.
“Just let me hold you?” Toya pleaded, bottom lip pushed out into a cute pout. Curse Saki for teaching him that tactic! Akito huffed, bringing his hands back between them and curling his fingers into Toya’s shirt. Toya smiled, eagerly holding Akito close. “Goodnight, Akito. I love you.”
Akito sighed, before replying.
“Goodnight, I love you too, Toya.”