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I.
Peter gets that his psychotic rampage didn’t make him many friends. Most psychotic rampages don’t. Especially, when you try to kill people. Peter’s lucky he’s not making the wrong type of friends in prison if he’s honest.
But this massive game of silent treatment that’s going on is starting to get annoying. None of Derek’s puppies will talk to him, all they do is snap and snarl at him, and Scott, the ungrateful little bastard, just glares at him. Even Derek, his own blood, doesn’t talk to him. He just grunts out responses and avoids Peter, opting instead to walk out in the forest like some type of angsty high schooler.
Peter decides one day that enough is enough. He’s got to fix this.
He figures he’s got three options. 1) Actually apologize for taking a swim in the crazy pool 2) try to find a new pack 3) Get Derek back on his side and watch as everybody else falls in to line. Obviously, the first one is out because Peter is a Hale, and Hale’s don’t apologize. Ever. He figures he could try the second one, but he doesn’t see himself being a submissive beta in somebody else’s pack, so he scratches that one off the list as well. Which leaves him with option number 3. Get Derek back on his side.
He spends a good couple of days trying to figure out how he’s going to do this. Peter has no idea what Derek even likes. He buys Derek some more black t-shirts, because Derek really seems to like those, but Derek just looks at him like he’s grown another a head. Or maybe that’s just Derek’s happy face. Peter’s not really sure. He offers to help Derek fix up the house, but that only seems to piss Derek off more.
Peter’s close to just giving up and preparing himself for the move, when it hits him. He’s lurking near the trees while Derek trains his pups, watching them run around and play-fight each other. Peter would never admit it to Derek but he’s good at being an alpha and training his pack. Peter’s thankful he’s done with that. That is one serious upside to not being the alpha; training seems like a bore.
But then Stiles shows up, and things get interesting because suddenly Derek is interested. He doesn’t look it, gruffly asking Stiles what the hell he’s doing here, but Peter’s a trained werewolf. He picks up on the more subtle aspects of things. Peter watches as Derek’s entire personality calms down, softens slowly. Derek is looking at Stiles with a harsh expression on his face, but sweet eyes, and Peter almost drops dead when he realizes it.
Derek has a freaking crush on Stiles Stillinski.
He stands there gaping, staring at the young Stillinski with new eyes. His brain is trying to process the information, but it’s having a hard time dealing with this new development. His nephew has a crush on a bumbling, fumbling teenager, and a teenager, nonetheless, who has watched enough science fiction to quote whole sections from Star Trek. It’s possibly the most ridiculous thing Peter has ever heard of in his entire life.
“Dude Derek, why is your uncle staring at me like that,” Stiles whispers to Derek. Except, hello dumbass, werewolves have super-hearing. Whispering something isn’t going to do anything. Peter rolls his eyes. Of course, Stiles would happen to be an oblivious idiot as well. It’s at this moment though, that the plan starts to form in his head.
Smirking, Peter yells towards Stiles, “It’s cause you look good enough to eat up!” He winks at Stiles, and Stiles blushes bright red. Peter has to resist laughing his ass off because he doesn’t want to give himself away. It’s hard though. Stiles is turning as red as a tomato, and Derek looks like he’s going to snap Peter’s neck off. The rest of the pack is watching them cautiously, lost and confused. Peter just blows a kiss at Stiles, before he walks off laughing.
Oh, this is perfect. How better to get back into Derek’s good graces than hooking him up. Granted, Peter would have picked some super sultry blonde if things were his way, but, if Derek wants youthful naïveté, Peter can make that happen. How hard can it be to hook up two horny kids these days?
II.
Apparently, it can be very hard.
Peter has searched the Internet for days trying to come up with foolproof ways to hook the two of them up. Googling “How to set up your werewolf nephew with an awkward teenager” leads to way too many porn sites and waay too many twilight fanfiction blogs. Although, he has to admit the last one has given him plenty of ideas on how to induce sexy times. After beating off several times, cause come on, who doesn’t look at porn, he has several ideas in mind.
1. Handcuff them together and hope that the forced contact leads to sexy times
Doesn’t work. Most handcuffs these days weren’t built to withstand werewolf strength, and Derek had gotten those off within minutes, before chasing Peter down the street. Peter doesn’t exactly know where to find werewolf re-inforced handcuffs, and, seeing as he can’t exactly search those up on e-bay, he decides to scrap that plan.
2. Stick them in a tightly enclosed space, ex. a closet, and hope it leads to sexy times.
Doesn’t work. At least, this one lasts longer than his first plan. After luring them in there, which took quite a lot of smooth talking from him, he managed to lock them in. He re-enforced the door too, so werewolf super strength couldn’t bust this plan. Either way though, he got out of there pretty quickly just in case. After getting a mani-pedi because fuck you, just cause he’s a guy, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve pretty nails, he heads back to the house, hoping to open the door to some post-coital cuddling. Instead he hears loud screaming, and he unlocks the door quickly before high-tailing it out of there.
Yet, another plan bites the dust.
3. Steal Stiles’s clothes and hope that Derek is so overwhelmed by lust that it leads to sexy times.
Peter’s not even going to go into this one. Let’s just say Scott will never be the same, and that Derek is no longer talking to Peter at all.
Plans 4-7 go the same way. So badly, that Peter is convinced, Derek is one more plan away from packing Peter’s bags for him and telling him to get out. It’s not his fault though. He had no idea that Plan 6 – heat-inducing wolf phereomones – would lead to a massive wolf orgy that lasted 3 days. Not that he really regrets it because Erica is one fine looking lady, and he has no shame.
He decides that he has to put Plan 8 into affect. It’s technically a three-part plan compiled into one giant plan. It was the back up to back-up all back-ups. Peter only created it for this very reason.
Plan 8. Woo Stiles yourself and hope it makes Derek jealous leading to sexy times.
Yes, there’s no way this could end badly. Peter packs his bags ahead of time though, in case he has to make a quick getaway.
III.
Peter feels like a pedophile waiting for Stiles in the school parking lot. He’s getting looks though from the soccer moms waiting to pick up their kids. Winking at one of the cute moms in the blue mini-van, he waits for school to get out. He reminds himself that he’s here to flirt with Stiles though, and does nothing but smile when the soccer mom takes off her sweater to show off a particularly nice rack.
He catches Stiles out of the corner of his eye when the kids start filtering out of the building. He’s throwing his backpack into the backseat when Peter pops up behind him.
“Afternoon,” Peter says to him, smiling.
“Holy hell,” Stiles jumps forward and hits his head on the car’s ceiling. He rubs his head, flinching at the sore spot. “What is with you guys and popping out of nowhere.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Peter began, placing his arm next to Stiles’s shoulder, trapping him between Peter and the car. He’s glad that Stiles’s jeep is parked on the edge of the parking lot because he really doesn’t want an audience for this. “I just dropped in to see how you were.” Stiles quirks an eyebrow at this, and, Peter’s slightly offended. It’s not completely out there that he would be interested in how Stiles is doing. I mean, he doesn’t really care, but he could.
“Err, I’m good?” Stiles just stares at him oddly, and Peter resists the urge to roll his eyes. For someone who can usually never shut up, Stiles is being stupidly silent.
“You’re coming to training tonight, right?” Peter questions smoothly, moving in closer. He gets a sniff of Stiles’s scent, and he can understand the appeal for a second. He doesn’t smell like other humans, dirty and stupid. And yes, Peter knows that stupid isn’t technically a smell, but that’s what humans usually smell like. Stiles smells like burnt toast and pine-sol, which should smell disgusting, but it just smells earthy and natural. It reminds Peter of running through the forest in the middle of the night.
“Um, I don’t usually come the night before the full moon, something about heightened senses and the human smell freaking out the wolves.” Peter laughs at that. He wonders what bullshit lie Derek told Stiles to get him to think that. It’s partially true. The night before the full moon, wolf senses start to take over and everything becomes amplified. Peter knows that the reason why Derek doesn’t want Stiles there is because the smell of Stiles would be enough to send Derek into a hormone-induced frenzy that would probably end in dry humping.
Except, Peter wants this to end in some crazy dry humping, so he tells Stiles, “Nah, ignore that. Come tonight. I want you to.” Peter leans in and smiles again. He feels like his face is starting to get sore from all the smiling.
“I don’t know if I sho – what the hell!?” Peter cuts Stiles off by rubbing himself all over Stiles. It feels weird, and Peter really hopes no one’s watching as he practically molests this kid.
Part 1. Replace any trace of Derek’s scent with your own.
As Peter buries his face in Stiles neck, rubbing aggressively, he can smell his own scent covering every trace of Derek’s scent. With one last forceful rub, Peter pulls of smirking down at Stiles, who’s staring at him with wide-eyes.
“See you tonight,” Peter winks, before taking off. When he’s far enough away, he starts gagging, careful not to accidently rub off Stiles’s smell from his own clothes. He feels gross and icky, and he can only imagine what Stiles feels like. Reminding himself that this is for a noble cause, because what is more noble than trying to get your nephew laid, he stays far enough away from Derek that Derek won’t know what hit him until tonight.
IV.
When Peter shows up for training that night, he knows Part 1 is going to be more than a success. It is going to be as beautiful as Leonardo DiCaprio flying across a rainbow on his pet unicorn dressed as a ballerina because Derek literally freezes when Peter walks in and glares. He stalks up to him and starts sniffing.
“Why do you smell like Stiles,” Derek questions, his voice heavy and rough. Peter can feel the anger and suspicion rolling off of Derek. Peter only smirks back in response. If Derek is getting this worked up over Peter smelling like Stiles, he’s going to go nuts when Stiles shows up.
“We hung out this afternoon,” Peter responds, “bonded and stuff. We made friendship bracelets. It was great.” Derek furrows his eyebrows, and, if glares could kill, Peter would be dead. He’s about to say something when Erica starts taunting Isaac, and Derek has to go break up a fight. Peter stands in the corner of the room the whole night, waiting for Stiles to show up, letting his scent roll off of him. He’s about to give up hope when he hears the characteristic rumble of Stiles’s Jeep.
Derek hears it too, and he stiffens noticeably. Glaring at Peter from across the room, Peter just smiles back.
“I asked him to come by,” Peter explains, “I just can’t stay away from him for too long.” Derek is about to reply, probably something about how he’s the alpha and he didn’t approve it and blah blah blah, when Stiles walks in. Peter does a mental fist pump when he sees that Stiles is still wearing the same clothes from earlier, still covered in Peter’s scent.
Stiles blushes when he sees Peter, and Peter just winks back obscenely in response causing the blush to deepen. Peter can barely contain himself. He can just picture the thoughts running through Derek’s head as he looks back and forth between the two of them, sniffing the air. Even the puppies can smell it, and they’re looking back and forth between the two Hales.
“Uh, is this a bad time?” Stiles pipes up, but Derek completely ignores him. Derek pounces on Peter instead, pushing him to the ground. He’s wolfed out, snapping and growling, and Peter puts on his best-scared face. He knows Derek wouldn’t actually do anything, but he pretends to be terrified.
“Whatever you’re doing, stop,” Derek growls in his ear, before getting up off of Peter. Peter nods, before glancing towards Stiles, who’s just staring at them totally lost. Derek follows Peter’s eyes and sees Stiles. He stalks off, grabbing Stiles by the arm, and drags him outside, ignoring Stiles angry “Excuse me, what are you doing?”
Peter knows exactly what Derek is doing. Getting up off the floor, he moves towards the center of the room, hoping to catch a glance of Derek and Stiles through the doorway. He can make them out, arguing next to Stiles’s jeep. Peter can catch bits of their conversation if he strains his ears.
You smell like him.
What? Euw, do I really? Ugh, I should have figured with him rubbing up against me earlier.
HE WHAT?
Peter doesn’t have to keep listening to know what’s happening. He knows Derek is pushing Stiles up against the jeep, rubbing against him the same way Peter had earlier. Except, Peter’s a hundred percent sure it’s ten times more pornographic, by the little moans and oh’s Stiles keeps letting out. Peter lets out a laugh and turns around because he’s really not into voyeurism that much. When he turns around though, he’s staring at the pack puppies that are glaring at him angrily.
“What are you doing,” Boyd says simply. Peter likes him the most. He’s reasonable and less crazy than the rest of them. He wonders whether he should lie to them and tell them he’s developed a creepy fetish for young teenage boys, and he decides that he’s probably just best going with the truth.
“I’m hitting on Stiles in order to make Derek jealous, so he’ll make a move and the two of them can have sexy times.” He mentally curses at himself for using the words sexy times. He’s read so many teenage girls’ blogs that the word is forever burned in his vocabulary. That and the word “hnng”.
He expects the pack to jump at him for encroaching on Derek’s territory or something. Alpha loyalty and all that shit, but they just look at each other before Erica says, “We’re totally in.”
Peter smiles. See, he knew he cold win over the pack puppies. All he has to do know is get Stiles and Derek together, and, by the sounds that are coming from outside the warehouse, Peter thinks that’s not too far away. Granted, he has to modify his plan a bit now to include the pack puppies, but he thinks he can make it work.
V.
Peter is officially in love with the pack puppies. Seriously, he wants to adopt all of them because they are evil, conniving little puppies, and he loves that. Especially since now, he doesn’t have to do as much work, which means less time feeling like a pedophile.
Part 2. Stiles gets cuddle attacked by the pack puppies
See, Peter explains to the puppies, wolves are tactile creatures. They very much like cuddling, and by the slightly embarrassed look on their faces, Peter’s pretty sure they’ve already figured this out.
“So, what do we do with that,” Isaac asks him, and Peter smiles.
“Cuddle the hell out of Stiles. Literally do not let there be a moment when one of you isn’t touching him. It’ll drive Derek insane, seeing all of you touching him, but knowing he’s not.”
“You’re evil,” Boyd says, but he’s smiling, so Peter takes it as a compliment.
Peter has to give Derek credit for picking these three because, as unruly and troublesome as they might be, they follow orders pretty well because there is literally not a moment they are not touching Stiles. Erica comes up from behind him and wraps her arms around him during school, burying her face in his neck. She says he almost punched her in the face the first time, but, by now, he kind of just sighs and lets it happen. Isaac might possibly his favorite after he hears that Isaac literally cuddle attacked Stiles after he got out of the shower.
Boyd starts curling up around Stiles legs when they’re over at the Hale house after school. It is the weirdest sight in the entire world because Stiles looks ridiculous with a large African American man pretending to be his blanket. Peter notices Derek glaring at the two of them, spooning on the couch, and can’t hold back.
“They’re awfully cute aren’t they,” Peter announces. Derek tenses up, clenching his fists tightly.
“It’s not like that,” Derek insists, and Peter rolls his eyes. Ugh, when did boys start becoming so dense.
“Of course it’s not,” Peter explains, “I’m just saying he makes quite the pack mom.” Derek’s head snaps around, and Peter can’t keep the smirk off his face. Derek is smart enough to get the implication in those words. Pack mom is just one toe shy of mate, and Derek doesn’t want to admit that he’s thought about that. He glares at Peter again, and, does Derek no other way of expressing emotions. Derek’s got to start working on these glares because they’re starting to lose effect.
“I’m just saying, nice choice,” Peter reassures Derek.
“He is not pack mom,” Derek bites out every word like it is painful for him to even be saying it.
“Yah,” Peter leans forward to whisper into Derek’s ear, “the only reason he’s not officially pack mom is because you haven’t given in and fucked him yet.” Peter literally jumps away from Derek, laughing as he walks away. Looking over his shoulder, Peter can practically see the gears in Derek’s head spinning. He gives it three days before Derek caves in and makes a move.
VI.
Peter decides he should stop making assumptions because it does not take three days. It doesn’t happen at all. Derek just clams up and lets the puppies continue cuddling Stiles without saying a word at all. Peter decides to alter his plan because Derek is stubborn as hell.
Stiles has finally managed to pry Boyd off of him, using the threat, “Derek will kill you if you don’t train,” to get him to leave. He’s sitting on the couch, legs folded underneath him, as he reads a book on the beat up couch. Plopping down on the couch next to him, Peter looks at Stiles.
“Do not even think about it,” Stiles announces, not even looking up from his book, “if you try cuddling me I will literally start screaming for Derek.”
“Ooh, that’s cute. He’s like your knight in shining armor. If he saves you, do you have to give it up like a Disney princess ‘cause I mean, we all know what happens when the screen goes black.” Stiles groans and buries his head in his book.
“What did I do to deserve this? Was I serial killer in another life? Am I the reason the wombat’s are extinct? Is that the reason for this torture?” Peter wants to take that book from Stiles’s hands and beat him with it. There is no way Stiles is this oblivious.
“Oh come on, you’re not an idiot. You know why this is happening.” Stiles looks up at him, and Peter realizes that, holy shit, Stiles is this oblivious. He has no idea that Derek gets all hot and bothered around him. It’s a little bit endearing that this kid has no idea the power he has over Derek.
“Seriously? Derek has the hots for you. He’s so hot for you he wants to take you to his room and do some very NC-17 things to you until you are screaming his name. He wants to fuck you so hard you don’t remember anything except for him. And the only reason he won’t is because he has some weird misgivings about it being ‘inappropriate’.”
Stiles just gapes at him, and Peter worries that he’s broken Stiles. The kid isn’t saying a word just staring at him in shock. Peter prods his face just to make sure he hasn’t frozen like this or something, and Stiles bats his hand away.
“Nice try. I have no idea what you’re aiming for mister, but there’s no way that’s true. Derek hates me.”
“So he wants to have angry-hate sex with you,”
“No stop it, that is not it. He does not want to have any kind of sex with me.” Realization hits Stiles like a punch to the jaw, and his face twists upwards. “Oh god, is that why all of you have started rubbing up on me and cuddling with me? Is this some type of weird attempt at making Derek jealous? Oh my god.” Peter notices the slight blush though at the end of that statement, and he’s confident Stiles is thinking about Derek and he’s little hump session against the car last week. A few moments after Stiles finishes talking, Derek is walking in, and Peter knows how to end this. He knows how the last part of this 3-part plan needs to go.
“Not jealous,” Peter starts, mentally preparing himself for what’s going to happen. Hoping to god, he still has Scope upstairs in the bathroom ‘cause he’s going to be washing the taste of pedophilia out of his mouth for weeks. “I can disprove that in less than three minutes.” Peter takes in one deep breathe and hopes that he doesn’t go to hell for this, before he’s wrapping a hand around Stiles neck and pulling him forward.
And kissing him.
Peter tries not to gag because this is so wrong on so many levels, and he knows Stiles feels the same way because he’s floundering around, freaking out underneath Peter’s fingertips. Stiles pushes Peter away, the same moment Derek grabs him and flings him across the room. Peter thanks the wolves above that this is over, but then Derek is growling at him. Oh god, Peter thinks, he’s going to get torn to pieces because he tried to get his nephew laid. This seems like some lesson on staying out of your family’s love life, but it’s too late now. Derek advances on him, eyes red and furious.
“Oh my god,” Stiles interrupts, distracting Derek, “You are jealous!” Peter promises to buy Stiles a lifetime supply of comic books for saving his life. Seriously, he will welcome this geek to the family with open arms because of this. Derek’s the one who looks like a deer caught in headlights now.
“I’m not,” Derek starts, but Stiles interrupts him.
“You totally are! Oh my god, I had to endure sexual harassment from every wolf I know because you couldn’t just tell me you had the hots for me? Jesus Christ, you owe me so much sex for putting me through that.” Derek fumbles around, trying to explain himself, but Stiles just jumps off the couch and kisses him, knocking into Derek. Derek stumbles backwards, barely managing to regain his balance.
Stiles is kissing him with so much enthusiasm, that Derek doesn’t even have the opportunity to try and push Stiles off because Stiles just wraps himself around Derek tighter.
Finally Derek starts participating back, kissing Stiles with just as much force, manhandling him down onto the couch. Derek shifts down to kiss at Stiles’s neck, and Stiles lets out an obscene groan at that. They’re so involved in each other that they seem to have forgotten that Peter’s lying on the ground a few feet away.
Peter realizes then that he’s about 5 minutes away from watching his nephew have sex. Scrambling up off the floor, Peter covers his eyes and tries to run for the door. He pauses, however, at the entrance, before pulling his wallet out of his pocket and grabbing his spare condom.
“THIS IS ME ENCOURAGING SAFE SEX BECAUSE I AM A GOOD UNCLE.” Peter throws the condom and it hits Derek right between the shoulder blades. “I HAVE DONE MY PART NOW.”
VII.
In the end, Peter doesn’t have to move to a different town, and Derek doesn’t kill him. He does beat the shit out of him though, saying, “no more kissing him,” and Peter cannot get the words “I am on the same page as you on that one,” out of his mouth fast enough. Derek then helps him up off the ground and tells him not to be late for training next week, and Peter can’t help smiling because the plan totally worked. He is officially in the pack.
The only side effect of his master plan is that once they started cuddling with Stiles, none of the puppies could really stop. It’s not that bad though because Stiles has fully embraced his status as pack mom now and is totally down for pack cuddling. Except, when Peter is involved. Anytime Peter comes within three feet of him, he starts freaking out. Not that Peter can really get within three feet of Stiles without having horrible flashbacks.
But mostly, everything worked out in the end. Only proving Peter’s point that he is awesome and pretty much unstoppable. He wonders if it’s too late to try hooking up with that soccer mom from Stiles’s high school and figures, what the hell why not.
He’s wasted enough time trying to get Derek laid. Time to focus on himself.