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Taissa unlocks the door with shaking hands, giddy and giggling into her wife’s neck. They’d just left the venue, sharing smitten glances the whole drive home. She can’t help it, that electric delight shooting through her veins at the sight of Simone. Her gorgeous, brilliant wife.
Fuck, she’s gotten so sappy. They may not leave for their honeymoon until the morning, but Taissa’s starting off the honeymoon phase with a bang.
She starts to lead Simone in by the hand, but she halts just before the doorway, stubbornly refusing to move. “What is this?” Taissa asks, smirking when Simone smiles coyly.
“Aren’t you going to carry me over the threshold?” She teases, crossing her arms.
Taissa steps back over the threshold, a hint of arrogance in her expression as steps into Simone’s space. Yeah, she knows she’s hot shit, but more importantly she knows Simone knows it. “Oh, I’d be happy to.” She scoops Simone into her arms, lifting her easily.
“I’m so happy I married a former soccer player.” Simone sighs dreamily, dropping kisses along Taissa’s jawline. She hums appreciatively, and privately revels in the way Simone smiles against her skin.
“I knew you only married me for my body.” Taissa jokes, easing Simone down to her feet.
Simone playfully slaps at her shoulder, faking outrage. “Not just your body! Your clothes are really stylish too.” She grins wickedly at Taissa. “But I love your brain, your heart, and your soul infinitely more.” She continues, her eyes warm and her smile soft.
Taissa draws her closer, planting her hands on her hips. “I love you,” she punctuates with a peck on the lips. “But you are such a sap.” She pushes Simone away with a laugh.
“I take it back, okay, I hate you!” Simone flips her off, backing away towards the kitchen.
“What are you doing?”
Simone flaps her hands excitedly at Taissa. “Getting us two glasses of wine to celebrate. Go up to the bedroom; I’ll be up in a minute!”
Taissa surrenders readily, happy to take her shoes off and begin winding down for the night. She settles into the bathroom, scrubbing at her face with makeup wipes. She washes her face and heads back to the bedroom.
She steps back in, expecting Simone to be waiting for her. She’d been in the bathroom for a few minutes, after all, but the bedroom was surprisingly empty. She shrugs, settling into her side of the bed. Surely Simone would be up in a few moments.
Her phone starts buzzing. Taissa flips it open and, without glancing at the caller id, presses it to her ear. “Hello?” She answers.
“Hey, Tai,” the timbre of Van’s voice is low and warm, as if her name is savory on her tongue. “Busy night?”
Tai laughs quietly, more breath than sound. “Oh, you could say that.” She says unperturbed. She wonders if they’ll talk about the elephant in the room or if the wedding ring adorning her finger will remain an unspoken weight on their conversation. Damocles’ sword hanging overhead.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.” The string snaps, the sword falls. There’s a beat of silence before Van continues. “I’m sure the ceremony was beautiful.”
Tai smiles, ruminating on the beautiful grounds they chose, rife with freshly bloomed flowers and luscious green trees. Her mind flashes back to Simone walking down the aisle, ethereal in her wedding dress. Her braids were styled in an elegant updo, a delicate, flowery headpiece completing the look. Tai would swear on her life that Simone was someone who came out of a magazine, beautiful and smart. Her heart was genuine and good. She was almost too perfect to be real. “It was. The venue was just stunning! You would have loved it.”
“Yeah, I bet I would have.” Van sighs wistfully.
“Why didn’t you come? Hot date?” Tai jokes, attempting to hide how interested she is in Van’s answers. If Van has moved on…
“Unless you count a bottle of whiskey and a VHS tape of Desert Hearts then no, not really.” Van admits.
Now that she’s mentioned it, Tai can hear a slight slur to her words. She’d been too stunned that Van had actually called to really listen to her. “I’m not sure that counts. You know, if the whiskey was a dealbreaker, we had an open bar.”
“Tai…” Van’s voice trails off. She sounds different, her voice faraway.
Tai can picture the look on her face, half pleading for her to stop and half pleading for her to keep going. If Tai were a better person, maybe things would be different, but she’s selfish so she says “I missed you.”
Then, because she’s the worst person on the planet, she says “I really wanted you to be there.”
Van makes a wounded sound, stifled and choked back, but it’s sharp over the phone line, impossible to ignore. “That’s not fair.” Van admonishes her.
“I know.” Tai murmurs. “I’m sorry.” She adds belatedly.
For a long moment, there’s only silence on the other end. Taissa’s about to ask if she’s still there when she hears the familiar clink of ice against glass and the rhythmic sound of Van swallowing. “I should have clarified.” Tai begins talking again, eager to keep Van on the line. “You’ve always been such a monumental part of my life. I know things didn’t work out between us, but I still want to be friends–“
Van scoffs. For the first time during their conversation, she’s irritated. Taissa knows she shouldn’t be surprised. Hell, it shouldn’t have taken her this long to get upset. She’s been toeing the line between sincere and snarky this entire phone call. “Friends? Don’t be an ass, Tai, we’ve never really been friends. There’s always been something more, even when we didn’t call it anything.”
Tai’s heart twists painfully in her chest. She knows that their relationship is in the past, it’s buried and forgotten. She’s not pining over her high school sweetheart for Christ’s sake, she’s married to someone else! Simone, lovely Simone with the heart of gold and a mind of steel.
Still, part of her is desperate to keep any part of Van she can. It’s not selfish to have friends, is it? “That’s all in the past. We’re adults! We can behave responsibly. We can still be friends without it being weird or causing problems.”
“Tai,” Van cuts in, her voice firm. “I can’t be just friends with you. It’s too much.”
“Oh.” She’s not sure where to go from here. Van seems to have a similar dilemma seeing as she goes silent on the other end. A beat of silence, then another. A third that drags on until the silence is almost stifling.
It’s finally broken when Van grabs her drink, ice clanging harshly against the sides as Van drinks. A few seconds after Van finishes her drink, she says “Did you ever think that at the end of all this, it’d be us? Together, I mean. I know we broke up for a reason, but I always thought that someday we’d find our way back to each other.” She admits, the truth turning her timid. Vulnerability is the only dragon Van has yet to slay.
Taissa pauses for a second to reflect on her answer, even though it comes to her instantly. “Yeah. Van, come on, you know…”
“No, Tai, what do I know?” She sounds tired.
“There’s always going to be a part of me that wishes it were you. That it was us.” Her voice is so soft in that terrible, familiar way. She only sounds like this when she’s speaking with Van. She’s only like this with Van.
Taissa knows that the sky is blue. She knows that she was the best player on that godforsaken team even if Coach Martinez never made her captain. She knows that Van is the steadiest person alive, the safest person Tai could ever know. Van is a wild dog at heart, biting at the scraps life offers her, and she is deadly loyal the way junkyard dogs are. Just look at her and Natalie, how Van would always defend her even when she was clearly in the wrong.
She knows that out there, out in the wilderness, the fucked up parts of Van and the fucked up parts of Tai fused together. They lost parts of themselves that they could never get back so they slotted themselves together like puzzle pieces. Every bit of Tai is entwined with Van, her heart and her conscience functioning with Van in mind.
It’s not healthy how much Tai wants her. Wants to consume every bit of her. Swallow her whole and devour her so she can finally understand her. Some dark part of her wants the blood and violence.
“Tai–” Van’s voice is a quiet sob, crackling abruptly over the line.
Simone comes in, a glass of wine in each hand. “I have to go.” She hesitates for a split second. “I’m sorry.” She hangs up, drawing in a quick breath before she turns to face Simone.
“Who was that?” Simone asks, passing Taissa a glass.
Taissa gratefully takes a sip. “Shauna.” She says. “She wanted to know if Callie forgot her stuffed animal in the car.” She’d spent the night before at the Sadecki household. Shauna and Callie were both part of the wedding party (as a bridesmaid and flower girl, respectively) so they’d ridden in with Taissa that morning.
Apparently, Jeff didn’t want to be stuck at the venue all day.
“Should we go take a look?” Simone moves to get off the bed, but Taissa stops her, grabbing her wrist.
“No need. I remembered seeing her with it while Shauna was trying to put her shoes on for the ceremony. If they left it somewhere, it was the venue. Not our problem now.” Taissa shrugs. “Anyway, what took you so long with the wine? Spoiled for choice?” She teases.
Simone laughs, shaking her head. “No, I just couldn’t find the wine opener. It wasn’t in its usual spot.”
Taissa frowns. “That’s odd. Where was it?”
“It was tucked away in one of the cabinets. We’ve had a lot on our minds with wedding planning, you know. It’s okay to be a little absentminded.” Simone takes a long sip of her wine before setting it aside. She turns back to Taissa, a newfound intent in her eyes.
She leans into Taissa, cupping her face in her hands and kissing her deeply. She melts into Simone’s embrace, dragging the kiss on and allowing it to linger. Simone pulls away. “I want to celebrate my wife.” She says.
“Who’s stopping you?” Taissa asks before dragging her into a searing kiss, brimming with excitement. She smiles into the kiss, promising herself that she’ll be the wife Simone deserves. She commits herself to being steadfast and true for her.
She pushes Van to the darkest corner of her mind, her private graveyard. Her darkest secrets hidden beneath the dirt. She’ll do what she does best: bury, repress, forget.