Work Text:
Hanbin looked at people the way he wished people looked at him.
He was not always the perfect poster boy of an idol. He knew that he was imperfect and it took him a very very long time to be alright with that. Now he looks at himself and sees the beauty in his imperfection, but that had not always been the case.
He had always known he was talented, but in this industry talent alone was never enough. You needed to be nearly perfect – in a way that society had dictated.
Your jaw needed to be chiseled.
You needed to be lean, not too skinny, not too strong. Your skin needed to be smooth.
You needed to be masculine, and hide any traces of femininity.
You needed to carve out parts of yourself, parts of your heart, parts of your soul, to be accepted.
And for a while Hanbin tried to do just that.
He lost weight. He changed his wardrobe. He worked on his mannerisms. He tried to hide any faint femininity. He tried to carve out parts of himself to seem perfect, and he hid them away – not entirely being able to let go.
It got him some places.
After years of being in the background – hidden, he finally got some kind of break. He was sent to compete on Boy’s Planet. The only trainee from his small company.
On the show, he did his best to hide those carved out parts of his soul but wasn’t wholly able to.
When he saw Matthew perform at the star level test, he couldn’t help himself. As hard as he tried, he could not help the tears that leaked out of his eyes. He was so proud of his dongsaeng. He knew firsthand how much hard work– how much blood, sweat and tears Matthew had poured into that performance and his journey here in Korea having been there through most of it.
Silently Hanbin scolded himself for showing something that could be considered a weakness so soon into this competition, dreading being called a crybaby like he had been called by peers in the past. That self loathing disappeared though the second he saw Matthew’s million watt smile in front of him.
“Hyung! Why are you crying?” He said teasing the older.
“I’m just so proud of you.” Hanbin smiled down at his dongsaeng while meaning every word.
“Hyung, stop crying! I will start crying too, and you haven’t even performed yet! Think of your voice!” Matthew replied, eyes tearing up.
Hanbin could see in Matthew’s eyes how grateful he was for Hanbin’s love and support. How much the tears meant to him. Hanbin decided then, that he shouldn’t care if he showed he was a little sensitive. He didn’t care as long as it showed the ones who truly mattered what they needed to see. He didn’t care as long as his most important people didn’t see him in a bad light because of it.
His growth in self-acceptance did not stop there.
As the show progressed, more and more of his predebut dance videos were unearthed by his fans. Hanbin winced when thinking about the fandom calling him “Mother” while watching him dance in ways that were widely not accepted in Korean popular media. He mourned how much time and energy he put into making sure he did not display that “energy” as some called it during the show. He felt the only saving grace was that it appeared as though his fan hadn’t abandoned him for it yet. He let himself hope that it did not completely destroy his chances of debuting, but that niggling anxiety in the back of his brain kept holding him back.
It all came to a head during the dance battle. He had proudly watched in awe as Woongi did the brave thing of being 100% himself and putting it all out on the line. He had watched as all his fellow trainees cheered him on, not a wink of judgment to be seen in the crowd.
He saw Woongi’s bravery and he allowed himself to be a little braver. He allowed himself to be himself.
So he whacked, dropped it low, embodied that “mother” persona that felt so much more like himself than the stages he had done so far.
His heart beat wildly as all the trainees and the mentors cheered him on. In the moment he did not feel anything other than pure elation and acceptance.
Later he would find out that they edited it out. The producers thought it was not a performance becoming of the idol they wanted Hanbin to be.
But Hanbin no longer cared. He can still hear the screams and cheers of his friends and fellow trainees from when he performed. If these people whose talent and opinions he respected so much appreciated his performance of his favorite dance genre while being unabashedly himself, then he would allow himself to be happy and secure in his competency and craft.
He found proper acceptance in himself. Pride in who he was, as he was.
He vowed to share that with others moving forward. Look at them the way he always wished to be looked at. Extending the words and hands that he wished were extended to him in his path to self-acceptance.
And so that way it went on for the rest of the show, accepting the people around him as they were and when possible showing those people the beauty of self-acceptance
Jiwoong needed to be comforted and told that he didn’t need to starve himself and his body didn’t need to be perfect. Hao being told that it is okay to be quiet, that he did not need to be loud when he didn’t want to be, that his personality whatever it is is fine and perfect. The same sentiment towards Gunwook and Ricky and Yujin. The list goes on and on.
So yes, Hanbin looked at people the way he wished people looked at him. With kindness, love, adoration, empathy, and joy.
He looked at people the way his people have looked at him and in turn taught him to look at himself and others.
And as he took the stage at the finale of Boy’s Planet, Hanbin looked out into the crowd and saw a sea of stars, beautiful in their imperfection. x