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Luke looked out the window of the cafe, wondering if he had made a mistake and should have just spent the holidays in the dorm. Him and Kelly had only gone on one date and he still wasn't sure if the mystery was part of the reason he liked him so much or if it was in spite of it. Because Kelly Schade-Burkhardt was a mystery, beginning and not ending with his family. The family he was just about to meet and spend weeks in the presence of!
Kelly's mother was either a veterinarian or big shot lawyer, or both, and his father was law enforcement, though either he was a Captain or the Chief of the Portland Police Luke couldn't figure out. It could be the confusion had something to do with his sister, Diana, who if possible was even weirder than her younger brother. He still couldn't figure out how the triplets fit in but he was almost sure they weren't more siblings. Family friends or maybe some kind of cousin, though of the three last names Kelly and Diana amassed between them the triplets didn't share any.
Back at the beginning of the year when he had first been assigned a new roommate, which he didn't complain because his freshman year roommate had been an ass, he had expected a freshman because he had been told Kelly was 'new'. It turned out Kelly was new to the dorms, not the University. He was actually older than Luke and him and his sister had just lived at home so far because their parents had been worried about them being on their own. They were in their twenties! The only ones who actually were freshmen were the triplets.
To be honest their families seemed a little bit overprotective, paranoid even, but what did Luke know? His parents had thrown him out when he came out to them after graduating high school, he was just thankful for scholarships. The paranoia was even more weird as time passed and Luke learned more about them. At first he had been weirded out when Kelly hadn't cared about the jackasses on the football team hitting on his thin, beautiful sister and cousins until Diana almost broke a guy's arm for touching her. And she wasn't the only one that was terrifying, he could swear Kelly's eyes turned into the abyss when he got angry! It was equally hot and bone chilling but for some reason it made Luke feel safe. Like nothing could hurt him as long as Kelly was there. All five of their group seemed to be oddly into medieval weapons, too. Granted Kelly was studying art and mythology, which was weird for someone who aspired to be a cop. Why someone would want to be shot at and hated by eighty percent of the population was another mystery to Luke. Maybe it was one of those 'my whole family are cops' kind of thing, except Diana was studying medicine.
Now, it wasn't that Luke didn't like Kelly. He really, really did. He was sweet and considerate and hot and good at everything. Taller and stronger than Luke, which honestly wasn't hard, and athletic and smart and multilingual and artistically talented. He was from a good family too, and rich. Him and Diana didn't act like it, except for that one time Diana got whiny over cafeteria food and Kelly had called her a princess, but it was still there. In the clothes they wore, which were of high quality, and the car they drove, which were new and built to withstand a tank. Luke was not delusional, Kelly was so far out of his league he was from another planet! Everyone's wet dream and ideal boyfriend, too good to be true to the point it felt a little intimidating. Luke was just a scrawny nerd who was an art major and was likely to be an unemployed, scrawny, art major, in a few years. Sure he's been called cute many times before but he honestly didn't know what someone like Kelly saw in him. He was just afraid that he would meet the family and they would find him solely lacking and Kelly would realize he could do so much better than him!
"So..." He chewed on his lips, looking anywhere but at his table companions. "...anything I need to know about before we get there tonight? Like things I shouldn't say or questions I shouldn't ask?" He elaborated.
Kelly squeezed his knee with an exasperated sight, he kept telling him he had nothing to worry about but Luke didn't believe him. Of course he thought that, he was perfect! He would never have to worry about meeting the parents because anyone would love him!
"No. I mean, our family's pretty cool. They won't eat you or anything." Fred grinned, he was the only male of the triplets and even taller than Kelly.
Angela joined in the grin. She, like her sister, had mischievous eyes. Unlike Amelia, her hair was not waist long but short and spiky at the back. "Let's see." She started counting on her fingers. "There's Uncle Wu, he's pretty nice. Watch out for the sarcasm though. Don't mention full moons. Don't ask, things get crazy at the station on full moons. And Uncle Hank. He's also a detective, Uncle Wu's work parter, and just got divorced. Again. So stay away from that subject. Aunt Trubel will want to know all the fun we've had in college, and we'd appreciate you not going into too much detail."
"Let me guess, she's also police?" He interrupted. He was sensing a patern here and it was definitely one of those too many people of my family and their dog are law enforcement situations. He really hoped Kelly wasn't being pressured into something he didn't really want. No matter which way their relationship went he wanted the older man to be happy, he was great at too many things to end up stuck in a job he hated.
"Yeah, but that's not why. It's because we'd be teased and blackmailed until the end of time. Then there's the triplets' parents, they are the sanest of the bunch." Kelly laughed. "Uncle Monroe can seem intimidating at first but he's all soft and zen and vegetarian. Aunt Rosalee is actually scarier than him and she's a sweetheart. She owns a spice and natural medicine shop and he's a clockmaker, don't get him started or he will never stop talking about his clocks and their history." All five of them shuddered in unison as if it was the worst thing in the world.
"And then there are Diana and Kelly's parents and this is where it gets really weird." Amelia added, rolling her eyes when both Diana and Kelly glared at her. "What? It's true!" Then she turned to look at him as she explained. "So there is Uncle Sean, Diana's biological dad. He's all tall and cold looking but he's really nice. He did a stint as the mayor a while back but he's the Police Chief now. Uncle Nick is Kelly's biological dad. He's one of the most open minded and accepting people you will ever meet. That said, don't ever piss him off unless you want to lose your head. Possibly, literally. No one will find your body." Luke paled. That was a joke, right? It had to be a joke, why was nobody laughing?! Kelly's dad couldn't possibly walk around cutting off people's heads, this wasn't the dark ages! Surely someone would notice... so why did Luke have an eerie feeling it might not be a joke?
"He's the South Precinct Captain, but he's very hands on with cases." She went on. So there really was a Police Chief and also a Police Captain. He squirmed in his sit, causing Kelly to pat his leg in reassurance. Internally, he sighed. This was getting better and better. "Next is Aunt Adalind. She is Diana's mother, who is a one night stand baby." She grinned and Diana glared and kicked her friend... cousin, under the table. They kept calling everyone Aunt and Uncle so maybe it really was cousins after all.
Amelia ignored her like she didn't feel the pain at all but it was Angela that continued instead. "And not long after she was born Aunt Adalind became the surrogate mom for Uncle Nick and back then fiancee, Aunt Juliette's, baby. Only Aunt Juliette and Uncle Nick had a nasty break up, they made up now, and Aunt Adalind and Uncle Nick grew closer and dated for a while, meanwhile Uncle Sean and Aunt Juliette had a short lived affair. Aunt Adalind raised both Diana and Kelly and they both call her mom because Aunt Juliette claims she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. Aunt Adalind owns her own law firm and Aunt Juliette owns her own veterinary clinic." And a lawyer and a veterinarian! There! He really had been getting it right!
"Now." Fred chuckled. "Uncle Sean and Aunt Adalind definitely slept together and Uncle Sean and Aunt Juliette also definitely slept together, Uncle Nick and Aunt Juliette used to be engaged and then Uncle Nick and Aunt Adalind were in a relationship for a few months, but they broke up and Aunt Adalind and Uncle Sean were engaged for like a blink of the eye and then nobody was together for a short while." He moved his hands as if in a finish sign. "Then right before we were born they bought the house next door to our parents and all moved in together with Diana and Kelly." They grew up next door to each other? Was that why they were so close and called everyone Aunt and Uncle? So maybe they weren't cousins?
Luke stared at all of them wide eyed, his head was staring to spin with all the information! They couldn't expect him to remember all of that! That was... that was a lot, even for him. He blinked slowly, turning to his kind of boyfriend. He wasn't even sure they were boyfriends yet! One date! One! "So who is dating who now?"
"Mom is dating Juliette, and Dad is married to Sean." Kelly answered like it was obvious.
Alright... that was... Luke could remember that. Hopefully. "So maybe I will just pretend not to notice anything at all."
"That would be for the best." Diana laughed and he could swear her eyes flashed purple... It was just the light, Luke should really stop stressing over this!
"Let's see..." Amelia started again, distracting him from thoughts of Kelly and his increasingly weird family. "...our parents' families already said they won't be able to make it. Which is a good thing because sometimes they still struggle to let go of their more traditional ideas and you shouldn't have to deal with that. The European bastards..." Diana caughed. "I mean relatives, like to pretend we don't exist these days, and good riddance to them." They all raised their glasses at her words. Right. So no mentioning extended family either.
"That only leaves Grandma Elizabeth." Fred concluded.
"She said she will try to make it but can't guarantee anything." Kelly answered, before turning to Luke. "She travels a lot." He said but Luke noticed he didn't mention why. He wasn't going to ask... Nope. He wasn't going to ask.
"She's actually Uncle Sean's mother so biologically only Diana's grandmother but she insisted we all call her that and she's the best! Like... she looks young and fashionable and she's like... a cool grandma." Angela buzzed in her seat at the thought of the older woman's visit and Luke shoved back the flicker of envy in his heart. Their family might be weird but it sounded like they really loved them. Luke's grandmother wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire... she might set him on fire, in an attempt to 'purify' him of 'evil'.
He frowned as something finally occured to him. "It sounds like it's only gonna be close family there. Are you sure it's ok for me to come? I don't want to intrude."
"You're kidding." Diana looked at him incredulously. "My brother has been talking about you non stop. If we didn't take you with us our parents would just track you down, throw a bag over your head, shove you into their trunk and take you to an unknown cabin in the woods to interrogate you."
"Diana!" Kelly hissed, it sounded suspiciously like a growl and went directly to Luke's dick. However, the very real fear of being kidnapped and tortured in the woods instantly killed his arousal.
She rolled her eyes, then waived her hand. "Anyway. Some friends might stop over for a visit but that's mostly it."
"I'm going to die, aren't I?" He whispered. He was too young to die! And he hadn't even slept with Kelly yet! He hadn't slept with anyone! He was going to die a virgin! He was going to be tortured and beheaded and buried under an abandoned cabin in the woods and no one would even look for him!
"It's going to be fine. Don't listen to them, they like to be dramatic." Kelly kissed his cheek and pushed his got cocoa in front of Luke as an apology. He wrapped his hand around it and his heart melted against his will. See, this was why he was going to die, because he couldn't resist Kelly's charm!
When Diana talked again and he almost jumped in his seat. "If we wanted to kill you, we wouldn't give you a warning first. You're gonna be fine just... you know what?" She pursed her lips. "You should worry more about our family's enemies than our family, there are lots of those too."
Enemies? Their family had enemies?! Like what, blood feuds?! Luke held back a whimper and tried to burrow in his seat. He had a feeling Diana wasn't joking, she wasn't joking at all. Luke cursed Kelly and his beautiful eyes and his pretty smile and his hot body! He was so screwed and not even in the good, pleasurable way!