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“Karkat, go and get the mail!” Kankri calls from the kitchen. He’s obviously been watching through the window, waiting for the mailman to arrive so that he could order his little brother to do it.
“You go and fucking get it, I’m not about to deal with the sleazy sonofabitch just because you’re hot for him, Kankri.” Karkat ignores the screech of ‘Language, Karkat!!! Don’t you know how triggering you’re being right now?’ and ambles out of the house, sighing and making his way to the mailbox, where the mailman, resident dickhead and the guy that his older brother was somewhat obsessed with, Cronus.
“Mornin’, Kitten. Kan send you out for the mail again?” Cronus asks with a raised brow and a smirk.
“Yep. You really need to work on his pompous prick problem, honestly. He’ll listen to you.” He holds out a hand for the mail.
Cronus places the mail in his waiting hand, wiggling his brows and drawling, “I wouldn’t mind workin’ on his pompous prick, Kar.”
“Oh, I know. It’s him you need to convince. Give my best to Eridan.” Karkat dismisses, flicking his hand at Cronus as if to shoo him as he walks back up the garden path.
“Wait, Kitten! Just a sec.” A voice calls out behind him, and he stops, sighs heavily, and turns around, looking at the now earnest mailman who is jogging up to him with a piece of notebook paper and a pen.
“Can you give this to Kankri?” he requests hesitantly.
“Suppose. What’s in it for me?” Karkat asks with an arched brow.
“Twenty bucks.” Cronus replies easily.
“Deal.”
The money is placed in his hand, along with a note containing hastily scribbled numbers in an elegant hand.
“Finally, one of you growing some balls. Dad’ll be pleased.”
“I’m sure he will. Papa Vantas loves me.” Cronus says smugly.
“You can keep on thinking that, Ampora. I’ll give this to our resident tightass.”
“Thanks, Kitten, you’re doin’ me a real solid here.”
“I know. Now go deliver the rest of your fucking mail. I don’t know how you even got the job, all you do is wait around here until one of us comes out.”
“I do deliver mail to other people, ya know. Just nobody that’s nearly as cute.” He winks.
“I’m 15. Stick to flirting with guys your age, you perv.” Karkat replies calmly.
Cronus just shrugs, returning to his bike. “Age is just a number, babe. When you work that out, I’ll be here.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt.” Karkat drawls.
With that, he walks inside, dropping the note into Kankri’s hand, who takes it with a stuttered exclamation, even as he’s pulling out his phone to text the number on the paper.
“You’re welcome.”
“Karkat, I didn’t thank you for anything, I didn’t even ask for his number!”
“But you wanted it. And don’t even say you didn’t, you’ve been eyeing him up from the kitchen window for so long now it’s practically a bad habit.”
“Karkat Vantas!”
“What?”
“….Thank you for the favour.”
“Don’t thank me, I got twenty bucks out of it. I woulda done it for free, but it certainly made it worth it.”
Ignoring Kankri’s shrill protests about being bribed with affection and money, he locks the door to his room after he enters it, flopping on his bed and deciding that maybe he should take a nap for a while.
It’s 6pm when he finally wakes back up.
Karkat hauls himself up to sit at his computer and open Skype. He had used to use Pesterchum, but the application simply… disappeared, one day. His friends had all been baffled, but switched to Skype all the same. It was easier to have group calls that way. Especially now that Feferi had moved over to Australia, and Nepeta and Equius had moved to England. They would call in sometimes, exhausted yet happy to see everyone.
He checked his unread messages.
[3:17am] Captor the Raptor: kk an2wer your god damn phone do ii have two do everything for you?
[2:19pm] Terezi Wright: Ace Attorney: H3Y MR. C4NDY, 1 M3T SOM3 FR34KY 1NT3RN3T P33PS, G4V3 ON3 YOUR SKYP3. YOU’LL L1K3 TH1S GUY, H3’S A R1OT.
[2:20pm] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: Vantas, while I’m sure having a 8all of a time without my delightful presence, you should get online and talk to Terezi’s new friends. They’re certainly something. ;;;;)
[4:13am] turntechGodhead has added you as a contact! ‘hey candy boy tz told me to add you now get online and chill with me i demand it’
[6:12pm] Bane of your Existence: TEREZI, DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU AGAIN WHY TALKING TO STRANGERS IS BAD? AND WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GIVE YOUR FUCKING FRIEND’S INFORMATION TO SAID STRANGER?
[6:13pm] Terezi Wright: Ace Attorney: 4WWWWW, CMON, K4RKL3S, YOU KNOW YOU’R3 4 L1TTL3 CUR1OUS. YOU’LL L1K3 D4V3, H3’S H1L4R1OUS! H3 S4YS SUCH W31RD TH1NGS.
[6:13pm] Bane of your Existence: I REALLY DOUBT THAT I’LL LIKE YOUR ODD D&D FRIENDS.
[6:14pm] Terezi Wright: Ace Attorney: TH3Y’R3 NOT FROM D&D! TH3Y CONT4CT3D M3 B4CK WH3N P3ST3RCHUM ST1LL EX1ST3D. 1 H3LP3D S3T TH3M UP W1TH SKYP3 ACCOUNTS.
[6:15pm] Bane of your Existence: ….ALRIGHT, FINE, I’LL FUCKING TALK TO HIM. BUT DON’T EXPECT ME TO BECOME BUDDY BUDDY WITH HIM.
[6:14pm] Terezi Wright: Ace Attorney: TRUST M3, K4RKL3S, D4V3 1S OUT OF TH1S WORLD, YOU’LL L1K3 H1M >;]
That sentence didn’t exactly bode well for him.
[6:14pm] Bane of your Existence has agreed to share contact details with turntechGodhead.
[6:14pm] Dave Strider: Dick Rider: fuckin finally i was thinkin you died or somethin
[6:15pm] Bane of your Existence: YOUR NAME IS RIDICULOUS, I’M CHANGING IT.
[6:15pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: aw cmon karkat dont hurt me in this way
[6:15pm] Bane of your Existence: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
[6:16pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: terezi told me duh
[6:16pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: that and I see the future and shit but no biggie, youre not going to believe me for another 15 minutes
[6:17pm] Bane of your Existence: RIGHT. WHATEVER YOU SAY, O GREAT AND MYSTICAL OZ.
[6:17pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: great and mystical who
[6:17pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: oh i see thanks for the explanation. also we dont actually have that movie here
[6:19pm] Bane of your Existence: DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT FUCKING KNOW WHO OZ IS? HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED A GOOD FILM IN YOUR LIFE? EVEN IF IT’S NOT MY TYPICAL GENRE, THE WIZARD OF OZ IS A FUCKING CLASSIC AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR RIDICULOUS FUCKING SELF FOR NOT HAVING SEEN SUCH A GOD DAMN MASTERPIECE. OZ IS ONE OF THE DEFINING CHARACTERS OF THE STORY, AND THE MOVIE, AND DESPITE THE RIDICULOUS FUCKING SETUP FOR THE PREQUEL, REMAINS ONE OF MY FAVORITE OLD FILMS OUTSIDE OF FIFTY FIRST DATES.
[6:19pm] Bane of your Existence: WAIT, WHAT BACKWARDS ASS COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A CLASSIC LIKE WIZARD OF OZ?
[6:20pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: oh didnt tz tell you?
[6:20pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: oh this is going to be fun. youre going to take longer to convince than the weird fish guy
[6:20pm] Bane of your Existence: YOU KNOW ERIDAN?
[6:23pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: i know all of your weird friends. from the satanist, to the fashionista thats flirting with my friend, to the stoner, to the girl who lives in the bright place and likes to swim a lot.
[6:23pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: youre the last guy ive spoken to and im pretty surprised nobody actually told you about me and the others
[6:24pm] Bane of your Existence: CAN YOU JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT?
[6:25pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: im an alien
….
[6:25pm] Bane of your Existence: YEAH, AND I’M THE FUCKING POPE.
[6:25pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: who
[6:26pm] Bane of your Existence: OH MY GOD, DON’T PLAY DUMB.
[6:29pm] INSUFFERABLE PRICK: okay i know you dont believe me and youre not going to for another couple of minutes but i really am an alien. i live on the planet alternia and dont bother looking it up because you wont find it trust me. i am not a human, i am a troll, and no, not the internet kind, though also the internet kind because that shit is fucking fun, but a literal alien species and i know you wont believe me so im going to show you now and you will finally listen
[6:29pm] Bane of your Existence: WHAT?
INSUFFERABLE PRICK is calling you! Accept with video?
Okay. He’ll bite.
…
[6:31pm] Bane of your Existence: …..
[6:31pm] Bane of your Existence: …..
[6:31pm] Bane of your Existence: …..
[6:31pm] Bane of your Existence: …..THAT IS EITHER A LOT OF MAKEUP AND DEDICATION TO YOUR CRAFT, OR YOU’RE AN ACTUAL FUCKING ALIEN.
The boy on the other side of the screen just smirks, shrugging and replying, albeit with a weird rough undertone to it, as if he isn’t used to the language, “I like to stick with just ‘alien’, not ‘actual fucking alien’, but you can call me Dave.”
“…Dave. You know how absolutely fucking insane this is? What is with your shades? Why are you wearing a pair of shades like Ben Stiller in that ridiculous movie he was in?”
“John got me ‘em for my wriggling day. They’re legit from Troll Ben Stiller, he got em in a weird online auction. He has the boonbucks to spare for it, unlike me.”
“I have no idea who John is, or what boonbucks are, but seriously, take the things off, I can’t trust you with those weird things on.”
“….Fine. Jesus, you take so much more convincing, all the others needed was a selfie and pics of my hive.” He sighs, removing his shades to reveal eyes that are, surprisingly, fucking orange. Well, the whites are. The irises look to be black, but if he looks closer, the part closer to his pupil is a bright arterial red.
“…What the shit.”
“I know, man, bonafide alien, huh? Be grateful, this is the first time I’ve taken these things off since I got em a sweep ago. Well, outside of visiting the ablution trap anyway.”
“….There are so many fucking terms I want to ask about there.”
“Okay. Lemme give you a crash course on Alternian lingo, Kittykat.”
The lesson continues into the night, Karkat ignoring the knocking at his door and Kankri asking him to come out for dinner. He isn’t too hungry anyway, not when he has a literal alien on the other side of his screen with that infuriating smirk and horns that curl back like a ram’s, but have weird juts in them, like a clock gear. When he asked about them, he just responded with a shrug, “They’re just horns. Nothin’ special,” though they were totally special, they were fucking amazing.
Dave was pretty amazing. He decided to also give Karkat a course in ‘Alternian slam poetry’, which was just Dave rapping. He was pretty good, which wasn’t really all that surprising. He could play the guitar, though he’d only done it for a couple of minutes, he was really fucking fond of apple juice, which Karkat was surprised about. He didn’t even know how Dave got the stuff, considering their entire world was plagued by a burning hot sun or something like that. Dave just smiled and waved it off as time shenanigans.
Speaking of time shenanigans…
It’s nearly a month later, and Dave and Karkat talk nearly 24/7, though Karkat does sleep sometimes. Dave does too, but it isn’t nearly as often, and he has a weird computer built into his ‘recuperacoon’, whatever that is. It tints the screen green, but Dave looks oddly at peace, despite his pale hair being slicked down to his head, his grey skin tinted green.
Karkat logs in, and Dave is online. Karkat had eventually changed his Skype name, though it had taken a lot of requests on Dave’s behalf.
Karkat looks back to their old logs, the very first day they interact, and notices something. Dave mentions he can see into his future, saying he wouldn’t believe him for another 16 minutes. He obviously hadn’t meant about the time thing, he’d meant the alien thing, because sure enough, sixteen minutes later, Karkat was in a call with Dave and freaking the fuck out.
[4:12am] Final Vantasy 8: Hey, Dave?
He had dropped the stupid caps thing over time. Only with Dave, of course, but still. He found it exhausting to read such loud words against Dave’s lower case chill.
[4:13am] Dave vs Predator: finally come to ask about it huh
[4:13am] Final Vantasy 8: Yep. Suppose you want to explain it?
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: so its p much like this: i have this weird program that lets me see into your timeline
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: like your human timeline
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: its some kind of troll thing i suppose
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: left behind by my ancestor
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: he was pretty good with computers and shit
[4:18am] Dave vs Predator: he left me all kinds of robots and shit to take care of me like a lusus would bc im a freak of nature but thats not the point
[4:19am] Dave vs Predator: i have the software, i just kinda woke up one evening, pesterchum was gone and there it was and i looked on it and could see all of you
[4:20am] Dave vs Predator: from the first moment i talked to you to the future, not that i look at that very much
[4:20am] Dave vs Predator: well i do but only for certain people
[4:20am] Dave vs Predator: dont cut your hair btw it looks terrible
[4:21am] Dave vs Predator: but yeah thats p much the story
[4:21am] Final Vantasy 8: Am I crazy for actually believing that?
[4:21am] Dave vs Predator: nah its p rational once you get past the creepy voyeur thing
….
[4:23am] Dave vs Predator: it was only a peek vantas dont get your panties in a bunch
[4:23am] Final Vantasy 8: Only a peek. And my panties are not in a fucking bunch!
[4:25am] Final Vantasy 8: Honestly, Strider, a fucking peek? I don’t even want to know what you saw, I don’t want to know whether it was in the future or the past, I don’t even want to know how you knew about the panties in the first place. I am going to bed and then ignoring that this conversation happened at all.
[4:26am] Dave vs Predator: Oh, the panties thing was just an expression. But certainly an interesting fact all the same.
Final Vantasy 8 has gone offline!
“Oh my fucking lord, kill me now.” Karkat groans, face in his hands, slamming his laptop shut and sighing, shoving it under his bed and giving the finger to anyone who decided to peek on him. “Fuck you, and fuck the stupid fucking application you rode in on, Dave.”
He won’t admit to anyone that he’s kind of hoping that Dave is listening in every time he jerks off now. Because that would be weird. Like, seriously weird. Weird beyond innocent time shenanigans.
It’s about a week later when he is finally brave enough to log back onto his Skype.
(3) Dave vs Predator
(2) Super Pyrope Bros.
(9) Eridanny Phantom
(8) Bluh bluh spiderbitch
(1) Halo: Captor Evolved
Karkat decides to tackle the ones from his closer friends.
[Tuesday, 9:00pm] Halo: Captor Evolved: hii kk niice two 2ee youre avoiidiing my fuckiing call2 agaiin, piick the fuck up
[Friday, 1:00pm] Final Vantasy 8: OH, FUCK OFF, I PICKED UP AND IT WAS JUST YOU DECIDING WHAT FUCKING SOCKS TO WEAR FOR YOUR DATE. AS IF AMPORA EVEN GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SOCKS.
[1:00pm] Oh Captor, My Captor: fuck off, he totally compliimented my 2ock2.
[1:00pm] Final Vantasy 8: THAT’S A FUCKING LIE AND YOU KNOW IT.
[1:01pm] Oh Captor, My Captor: he told me he thought my choiice of 2ock2 wa2 very bold and then we made out for a couple of hour2.
[1:01pm] Final Vantasy 8: NOPE. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS, I’M OUT.
[Tuesday, 5:23pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar i need your help you knoww i wwouldnt ask you under any other circumstances considerin youre romantically disadvvantaged but you havve to tell me wwhat tie i should wwear, the purple or the yelloww
[5:23pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar
[5:23pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar
[5:24pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar
[5:24pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar
[5:24pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar
[5:25pm] Eridanny Phantom: kar please wwhy are you avvoidin me
[5:25pm] Eridanny Phantom: karkat vvantas please i cannot go on wwithout some advvice and kanaya is on her wweird date wwith the girl troll
[Thursday, 8:00pm] Eridude: fuckiing told you he would liike the purple 2ock2 better
[Friday, 1:02pm] Final Vantasy 8: HOW DO I EVEN ASSOCIATE WITH THE TWO OF YOU? YOU’RE JUST AS BAD AS EACH OTHER. I BET HE’S BEEN AT YOURS THE WHOLE TIME I WAS MESSAGING HIM.
[1:03pm] Eridude: hii agaiin kk
[1:04pm] Final Vantasy 8: FUCK. I'D RATHER TALK TO VRISKA.
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: K
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: a
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: r
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: k
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: a
[Wednesday, 8:00am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: t
[Wednesday, 8:02am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: Hurry up and get 8ack to me
[Wednesday, 8:03am] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: ::::)
[Friday, 1:05pm] Final Vantasy 8: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[1:05pm] Bluh bluh spiderbitch: Oh, nothing. Your 8oyfriend was 8othering me so I figured I’d tell you to tell him to stop, 8ut he stopped eventually.
[1:05pm] Final Vantasy 8: I DON’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. AND I’M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE YOU CONTAMINATE MY PURE MIND WITH YOUR DISGUSTING CORRUPTION AND IDIOCY.
[Wednesday, 4:13pm] Super Pyrope Bros.: K4RK4T STOP 1GNOR1NG YOUR BOYFR13ND H3’S L1K3 4 LOST PUPPY, H3’S 3V3N B33N BOTH3R1NG VR1SK4.
[4:13pm] Super Pyrope Bros.: OR D1D YOU F1ND 4 M4G1C4L W4Y TO G3T OV3R TH3R3 4ND F1N4LLY FUCK H1S SM4LL 4L13N BR41N OUT? >;]
[Friday, 1:06pm] Final Vantasy 8: OK, FOR ONE: I DON’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. FOR TWO: HOW THE SHIT WOULD I GET OVER ‘THERE’? HE’S IN ANOTHER FUCKING DIMENSION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. CERTAINLY TOO FAR AWAY FOR ME TO EVEN SEND SHIT TO HIM, LET ALONE GET THERE MYSELF.
[1:15pm] Super Pyrope Bros.: LOOKS L1K3 YOU’V3 B33N G1V1NG TH1S SOM3 S3R1OUS THOUGHT > ;] >;] > ;]
[1:16pm] Final Vantasy 8: DON’T WIGGLE YOUR DAMN EYEBROWS AT ME, TEREZI. AND NO, I HAVEN’T. IT’S AN EASY ENOUGH CONCLUSION TO DRAW.
[1:16pm] Super Pyrope Bros.: SUUUUUUUUUUR3. >;]
He ignored any messages that followed that one, looking at the last set of notifications and sighing. He couldn’t avoid him forever.
[Friday, 3:00am] Dave vs Predator: okay yeah i am a fuckin creep and i know it pretty damn well and i apologize for peepin on you
[3:00am] Dave vs Predator: but to be fair
[3:01am] Dave vs Predator: people do fucking crazy things when they like someone. thats all imma say on the matter. ill talk to you next week
[Friday, 1:20pm] Final Vantasy 8: I’m not exactly sure that liking me gives you a free pass to peep on me, Dave.
[1:20pm] Dave vs Predator: i know it doesnt
[1:20pm] Dave vs Predator: i just figured itd give you more context and maybe make you more likely to forgive me or something
[1:22pm] Final Vantasy 8: Maybe I’ve decided that you don’t really need to be forgiven.
[1:23pm] Dave vs Predator: as in youve settled on hating me or what
[1:24pm] Final Vantasy 8: No… pretty much the opposite.
The little bar that says ‘Dave vs Predator is typing…’ blinks in and out for about 10 minutes, and Karkat is nearly dying with the suspense.
And then a message finally arrives, and Karkat can’t help but just bury his face in his hands and laugh.
[1:35pm] Dave, no longer single or mingling: aw sweet alien boyfriend
[1:35pm] Karkat, ready to throttle a certain someone: Oh, fuck you.
[1:36pm] Dave knows that Karkat loves him anyway: well get to that later.
[1:36pm] Karkat really fucking does, despite himself: Might take a while.
[1:37pm] To Karkat: <3: i know. i can wait.
[1:38pm] To Dave: <3 <3 <3: So can I.