Chapter Text
"I am difficult to love and care for. Logically, it would be much too selfish of me to continue this relationship knowing this. The best course of action would be for us to break up." Al-haitham told Kaveh.
Al-haitham had brought it up.
Al-haitham had always been difficult to love. It was why he didn't have many friends growing up, preferring to keep his head in a book and continue with his life. His grandmother took care of him for most of his life and so he knew this as fact.
This all changed when Kaveh entered his life. He didn't realise but he had fallen for him, after many years of questioning if he could love someone romantically.
Kaveh made him feel things, things he would have never felt but he also realised how detrimental it was to himself.
To love someone like this and expect it to go about perfectly was for someone who had hope. Al-haitham had logic.
Logically he knew with their clashing personalities and differing opinions, he knew it was bound to end. He also knew how he was and knew that Kaveh would be better off with someone who was able to express love and affection better.
This is why Al-haitham firmly believed that this was the best course of action. That breaking up with the only person he loved would be the best way to go about it.
"You are breaking up with me because you are difficult to love? Are you serious Al-haitham? You don't think I don't know that. I don't care, I have decided to love you through it either way." Kaveh argued back.
"Kaveh, as much as I love your optimism, it isn't fair for you. You deserve someone who can love you as much and as freely as you love them and I cannot be that one for you. Our relationship was doomed from the very start." Al-haitham stated, trying not to cave in and hug Kaveh.
He truly did love this man that had fallen into his life. But he didn't think it was fair to continue.
"I didn't fucking care Al-haitham! YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID IF YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT. I AM WITH YOU BECAUSE I CAN SEE PAST THAT AND SEE THE LOVE YOU FEEL!" Kaveh was red in the face from how much anger was seething from him.
"Kaveh. All we do is argue, we barely have any time for each other with our occupations and when we do, I struggle with showing how I love and even care for you affectionately. I cannot communicate as well as you need me to and I can see you being hurt when I don't. So we should stop, as you do not need to suffer anymore for my sake." Al-haitham said.
"You are so fucking selfish. You are doing this to protect yourself from something that isn't even likely to happen. Fuck you. You think I care about any of that shit when I know you do care. You do not get to decide what's best if you can't even discuss this. But fine, if that's how you want to be then we can break up. I do not fucking care." Kaveh stated, storming out of the house.
Al-haitham just stood there, watching the door, as if expecting Kaveh to come back but logically he knew that Kaveh was done with him. And that he deserved to move on without Al-haitham pulling him back.
So he moved towards his bedroom, to allow him to read a book in hopes to get his mind off what he did. But he couldn't. He just sat there, staring at the assortment of books he took out to try and read.
He couldn't concentrate.
It was like his mind had fogged over and he couldn't focus on anything. Logically, he knew this was the best course of action, for Kaveh to live a happy life and to be able to find someone who could love him just the same.
And yet he had to continue with life. The next day it was like he was on autopilot. He went in, did his job as Acting Grand Sage, barely remembered to eat and went home to just sit there.
No one could tell anything was wrong. He was used to this routine and could do it in his sleep if he needed to. Responses came to him without much thought and he was able to finish overlooking many reports and requests without any effort.
He had done this for weeks and without any sight of Kaveh. Each day he entered his house with the small hope that Kaveh was there and each day he was filled with more disappointment. But he knew that Kaveh didn't owe him anything.
One day he noticed small things askew in his house and hoped that Kaveh was there. That he was able to see him. But as he walked, it was completely silent. No shuffling, no small movements that he usually can notice or anything. It was silent.
He walked around his house noticing things missing.
Things Kaveh had owned.
Kaveh was gone.
He took his things and left and Al-haitham tried to pretend that the hole in his heart wasn't there.
He skipped dinner again, going to sit in his room for the hundredth time. He still couldn't concentrate on anything and it was starting to actually affect his work life. Lord Kusanali had asked if he was okay and Al-haitham didn't know what part of his autopilot had stopped working.
"You need to start locking your windows." Al-haitham turned robotically to the window as Cyno climbed through.
"It is quite rude for you to enter my house uninvited, let alone through the window," Al-haitham stated, not quite in the mood for company.
"I wanted to check on you. I just visited Tighnari and Kaveh told me about your break-up. Why have you not mentioned it?" Cyno asked, staring Al-haitham down.
"It was not deemed important for others to know. Why are you here if I'm the one that broke up with Kaveh? I assumed you would go and try to cheer him up." Al-haitham stated factually, not having moved.
"Scribe, you may be hard to read and understand but you are not emotionless. It is extremely obvious that you have been affected by the break up so I thought it would be best to see how you are doing. Considering your current state it seems it has affected you worse than you want to admit." Cyno observed, moving to take off his cloak.
"Ah, it seems it may have affected me. But it does not matter, it was for the better." Al-haitham said and Cyno sighs again.
"Have you even eaten today? Or yesterday. Or the last week?" Cyno questioned and Al-haitham thought for a bit. He had eaten some things but he could barely remember them, and none of them were enough to be considered fulfilling.
"By the look on your face Im going to assume no. Im going to make you something to eat and you are going to talk to me about it." Cyno stated, heaving Al-haitham over his shoulder and dropping him on a chair in the kitchen.
"I could walk you realise," Al-haitham states and Cyno huffs moving around the kitchen.
"If I believed that you would walk on your own and leave the room you probably have been cooped up in all the time, then I wouldn't have to drag you out. You cannot be responsible for your health or state." Cyno said, moving around to make tachin.
"You are not responsible for me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself." Al-haitham lies.
"Such a bold-faced lie coming from the Acting Grand Sage. You do remember that I am trained to interrogate and detect lies so do not try me." Cyno states.
Al-haitham just sighed and stared as Cyno finished cooking and put the food in front of him.
"I will force-feed you the tachin if you do not eat." Cyno states, glaring Al-haitham down before he finally takes a bite.
"Now tell me what happened. Why did you suddenly break up with Kaveh? You aren't someone who doesn't thoroughly think of the pros and cons when making a decision and rarely do you make one without thinking of the impacts." Cyno mentions and Al-haitham looked at the tachin.
"I am difficult to love. I have been called by many as having no heart and no emotions. I have been compared to that of a machine more times than that of a human. I am very difficult to love. It is hard to communicate with me and I cannot talk easily to people without it sounding like I am writing an essay. Kaveh does not deserve to be with someone who, in a sense, cannot love." Al-haitham explains, taking smaller bites of the tachin.
"Why are you acting as if it didn't affect you then?" Cyno questions.
"Because it is not supposed to be. I was the one who ended it and so allowing it to affect me means that it was a decision I regret. And I cannot regret it because Kaveh doesn't deserve that from me." Al-haitham states, not looking away from the half-finished plate of tachin.
"Scribe, we both know how much you love Kaveh. It took you forever for you to admit it yourself and now you have done something you regret." Cyno said.
"Cyno, I am an emotionless broken human being. It was an impossible future for us to continue together. I may not be able to understand emotions but I am very logical. I can see the faults in our relationship and how it would not have worked. We are much too different and it would never have ended well. I would rather end it here and deal with the pain than let it continue to fester and hurt him in the future." Al-haitham stated and Cyno sighs again.
"You are not broken. Al-haitham, you have much deeper emotions and thoughts than you ever like to acknowledge. And you don't even realise how much its hurt you. Scribe, have you even noticed that you have been crying the entire time you were talking about him?" Cyno questioned and Al-haitham finally looked up, touching his face and noticing the tears.
"Oh. I will be fine. I have dealt with pain before and I was fine, and I will be fine." Al-haitham mentions and Cyno punches Al-haitham in his arm.
"You have dealt with loss, but you have never dealt with heartbreak. What are you actually feeling?" Cyno asked.
"I don't know. Would you believe that the grand scribe not knowing something?" Al-haitham huffed.
"I feel like I lost something. Like something is missing and Im still in pain. I know this was for the best, I know it's the best decision but it still hurts. He was the first person I loved. Most days I cannot think properly, my thoughts are clouded with pain and my heart seems to hurt all the time. I cannot do things normally without thinking of him and all I want is to hold him again." Al-haitham explains and sees a small smile on cyno.
"I am thankful you are finally admitting this to yourself. Al-haitham, I have asked Lord Kusanali for a few weeks off for you. Sumeru is doing much better than we can afford it and I am taking you away from here. We are going to visit my friend in Mondstadt and, at the request of Kaveh, he will be taking his stuff. I hope you understand."
Oh. Al-haitham hadn't thought that Kaveh would move out. And leave.
It was for the best, Al-haitham kept reminding himself. Kaveh deserved this much and he shouldn't be stuck seeing Al-haitham while he grabbed his things.
"Is he doing okay?" Al-haitham asked.
"Well, not as fine as you might think. You both are doing terribly. While you are lost, Kaveh is just constantly angry. I will not tell more as it might make you worse than you already are." Cyno admits and Al-haitham just nods.
"Now tell me more about how you are, before we start packing for tomorrow." Cyno offers and Al-haitham sighs.
"We have to leave tomorrow?" Al-haitham asked and Cyno nodded. And with that the two talked for a bit, allowing Al-haitham to indulge in learning less about concrete knowledge and more about himself.
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Al-haitham stood there shocked when he opened the door. He was expecting Cyno to be there, as he had been told that they would be leaving pretty early.
"Kaveh." Al-haitham breathed.
"You're leaving soon, right? Good, I want my key so I can take my stuff and move to Tighnari's. I don't want any pointless talk." Kaveh stated, pushing through the door and moving around the house.
"I, uh." Al-haitham couldn't process his own words.
"I understand your reasonings Haitham. But you are not difficult to love. Not to me. I do love you and found everything easy with you, even through all our senseless arguing. But the break up may be good for us." Kaveh said, not looking at Al-haitham at all.
"Kaveh, I..."
"I would prefer it if we didn't discuss this further. And I will pay back what I owe you. I just have another client I am working with and by the end of the project I will have paid you back what I owe you." Kaveh said, moving about the house.
"Don't worry about that. It's unfair to ask you to pay me back for anything after all. We lived together anyway. And I would like to apologise for how I broke up with you." Al-haitham said.
"Fine. And the way you broke up with me is expected of you. Now please." Kaveh held his hand out and Al-haitham just looked at it.
"Key."
"Ah, right, the key. Yes, the key." Al-haitham turned and grabbed Kaveh's key off their hook, passing it to Kaveh.
"Scribe." Someone called out and Al-haitham turned to the door and noticed Cyno entering.
"Ah, Cyno. Good to see you." Kaveh greeted and Cyno nodded to him.
"Kaveh. It's good to see you. I left some tachin with Tighnari for you but I will be taking him to Mondstadt." Cyno states, grabbing Al-haitham's bags.
"Thank you Cyno. For, uh, helping out so much." Kaveh said, pulling Cyno into a quick hug before allowing them to leave.
"We have a Sumpter Beast at the entrance to Sumeru City that will take us to the outskirts of Liyue. Since they don't often like to travel far from their place of origin, we will be travelling the rest our way by ourselves." Cyno explains as he forces Al-haitham to walk out of his house and towards the entrance to Sumeru City.
Their trip to Mondstadt was helpful. Al-haitham was able to talk about his feelings to someone who wouldn't spread rumours about him.
The city of Freedom really made him feel free. He was able to try different wines and alcohol, fought TCG Battles under Cyno's request and was able to read more about Mondstadt and its city.
But there was also the cruel reminder of Mondstadt. Mondstadt was also considered the city of love. And during the weeks, all he could think about was how Kaveh would love it.
Love the city, the people, the freedom. The artistic value in the buildings and even something as simple as wine.
He knew all these things about Kaveh and anytime he thought of him, he felt pain. All he felt was heartbreak and even one time, he took a day to visit Starsnatch Cliff and he let himself cry.
In the privacy of himself and only for the wind to hear.
He let himself hurt and let himself feel the pain. The last time he had let himself cry this freely was when his grandmother had passed.
Al-haitham knew that this was the only time he would be able to experience love like that. Not only allowing himself to love someone but allowing someone into the deepest part of his heart, allowing them to know him so freely and so openly.
And so he cried. And he cried. And he just sat there as he cried, with a small smile on his face because he couldn't help but be grateful for his experiences.
Of being able to love Kaveh and care for Kaveh as he was allowed to.
And when he returned home, it was empty.
There was only the stuff he owned and nothing of Kaveh's. There was the gaudy furniture he bought to tease Kaveh but now they looked odd.
Out of place.
It was missing something.
It was missing Kaveh.
Al-haitham put his bags down and went to put his key on his hook, noticing the only thing of Kaveh that remains.
Kaveh's key, or well, the spare key now. The key with Kaveh's keychain that he left. The only thing that remained of Kaveh.
And Al-haitham knew this was for the best.
He knew that he was difficult to love. To care for. To be with and to stay with.
He knew this. It was a solid fact just like that Kaveh's eyes were red. It was truth and fact and Al-haitham felt hurt.
He sighed, turning around and slumping into the couch, grabbing a book.
After all of it.
After letting himself feel the pain instead of letting himself become numb to it.
After letting himself cry and talk about it with his closest confidant.
He finally was able to concentrate.
He was finally able to read his books and not feel like there was a cloud over his mind.
And he knew he was never going to get over Kaveh.
It was torture in some sort of way.
But Al-haitham knew that this was for the best.
Because he was difficult to love.