Work Text:
The COVID-19 pandemic hit hard in 2020, and pushed most businesses online or out of business. This didn’t exclude the Armed Detective Agency. Everyone had been handling their meetings virtually, and hadn’t been going into the office.
Kenji had been calling from his Agency issued dorm, and was feeling lonely every once in a while. Sometimes he’d call a meeting just to have a conversation with someone, even if there was no emergency whatsoever. His privileges to call meetings were taken away not long after.
While he lost this power to call meetings, his actions did incite the use of social meetings within the Agency. They now hold virtual gatherings for the purpose of keeping the connection with other people. The meetings were held on a weekly basis, and Fukuzawa made it a point to state that they were mandatory to attend unless he excused them himself. He was worried about the members being away from others for too long.
Kenji was as cheerful as ever when he came on the meetings. He was happy to interact with his friends and colleagues again, “It sure beats staring at the wall!”
Yosano was always wearing a robe and face mask when she came on. She took these meetings as a time to relax, and enjoy random conversations that started up. She’d even started painting her nails a few times, “What? Just because I can’t go out, doesn’t mean I can’t look beautiful for myself”
Ranpo…well, he did just as he always did at the Agency. He ate snacks, and criticized people. Sometimes he even fell asleep while others were talking, but it could still be known to all his colleagues that he enjoyed talking to them again. He’d never said anything close that though, “Don’t any of you have anything remotely stimulating to talk about?”
Tanizaki and Naomi gladly came on call. They both missed their coworkers as well. Naomi began air hugging each person that came on; No matter how startled they were when she’d suddenly scream hello to them, “Atsushi! Kyōka! I’m soooo happy to see you both!”
Atsushi and Kyōka were doing pretty good. They never had an issue of not being able to talk to anyone, since they were quarantining together. Even so, they still missed being able to talk to more than just one other person. When she ran out of work to do, Kyōka ended doing a lot of baking, and had even dropped off the baked goods on her colleagues doorsteps, “Kunikida-Kun, I dropped off some more of the muffins you liked just now”
Kunikida was the only one that showed up to these meetings in his usual attire. He was fully dressed to leave his dorm, and accomplish whatever is to be done if need be. After noticing that he was the only one that was dressed to go out, he scolded his coworkers for not properly dressing, “What if there was an emergency? You’re going to leave the house in your pajamas?”
Fukuzawa attended the meetings as well. Even if the original intent was to help his employees continue to socialize during the pandemic, he found it to be healing for himself as well. He enjoyed all the random chatter they all came up with. He had begun to miss hearing the talk of his personnel, “How are all of you? Did you end up properly disinfecting that paper cut you got, Kenji?”
Of course, last but certainly not least, Dazai showed up to the meeting fashionably late every time. Even through virtual means, Dazai still found ways to annoy Kunikida, “What’s that Kunikida? You’re going to do all my work tomorrow? Oh my, thank you for giving me the day off~”
Dazai’s coworkers had noticed there was something odd about him when he did show up. It wasn’t that he was acting different, but he was different in some way. As they always do when they can’t figure something out, they asked Ranpo. Yosano had even created a group chat without Fukuzawa and Dazai to ask.
With Fukuzawa not there to ask him to do it, Ranpo declined quickly. Atsushi had offered to do his work for him, and Ranpo declined.
ADA (Minus Fukuzawa & Dazai) Group Chat:
Ranpo: I’d think you wouldn’t want to do others’ work by now, but I guess not?
Atsushi: C’mon Ranpo! You know, don’t you?
Ranpo: Of course I know. I also know that skipping to the end of mystery is no fun. It’s the process of solving it that pays for the hassle of actually capturing them
Yosano: Since when are you a “It’s all about the process” guy? You just take one look at the the person and just know..
Ranpo: Well, this one I had a bit of issues with, since I couldn’t get full details at first. But I figured it out quickly after I had a one-on-one conversation with Dazai
Kunikida: You spoke with him about it?
Ranpo: Yes, after all, isn’t it odd that Dazai suddenly had a cat in the last few calls?
Atsushi: Now that you mention it, I do remember him having a cat. Are cats even allowed in the dorms?
Kunikida: No, Atsushi, they’re not
Atsushi: So he’s breaking the rules?
Kunikida: I wouldn’t be surprised..
Ranpo: The only other hint I’ll give, is that the background of his location doesn’t look the same as the dorms.
Kunikida: So he moved out of the dorms?
Atsushi: Kyōka just told me that he moved out a few months ago, and he told her when she tried to notify him that she left muffins outside his door
Yosano: Where does he live now, then?
Ranpo: Ask him yourself if you want to know
Against Ranpo’s advice, none of them did. He read their theories each and every week. Only after he was getting annoyed by the constant back and forth about a ‘new coat’ on the rack, did Ranpo tell them that it may not be his coat. This sparked a mixed reaction.
Atsushi seemed happy for Dazai, and hoped that this meant his superior would be more mature in the future. He did have a bit of wonder as to how Dazai met the (lucky? He’s not sure if they’re lucky or unlucky to be dating Dazai) person. Kyōka was more neutral on the topic. She didn’t know enough about Dazai’s dating history to really feel anything about any of Dazai’s relationships.
Yosano and Kunikida didn’t try to hide the surprise. While Yosano seemed a little happy for Dazai, both of their reactions could be considered insulting. The first question out of Kunikida’s mouth was, “Who in their right mind would voluntarily date Dazai?”
Tanizaki and Naomi didn’t have a reaction in the chat. Though, Ranpo imagined, Naomi was probably screaming with happiness. She tended to do that when she heard anything about relationships. Tanizaki probably didn’t have much of a reaction, Ranpo thought to himself.
When Ranpo first found out that Dazai was with someone, he had a similar reaction to Kunikida(though not as insulting of a question left his mouth). Though, unlike his colleagues, he knew that the person Dazai was in a relationship with was married to him. The only issue was that he didn’t know who Dazai is married to until he talked to him.
After months of speculation, Atsushi finally made a suggestion in the group chat.
ADA (Minus Fukuzawa & Dazai) Group Chat:
Atsushi: Maybe we should just ask Dazai-San?
Ranpo: That’s what I’ve been saying from the beginning!
Kunikida: We’ve already put in too much effort. We’re detectives; We should be able to figure this out without asking!
Ranpo: I’m telling you that you’re not going to be able to do it!
Yosano: Idk, Dazai hasn’t dropped any hints about it. All he’s done is act normal with his cat on his lap
Ranpo: Because he can’t drop any hints without just out right telling everyone!
Atsushi: I think I agree with Ranpo-San on this
Tanizaki: I do too; We’ve spent way too much energy on something that we could have asked him months ago.
Ranpo: Finally!
Kenji: I thought he was dating that really cool guy with the hats?
Atsushi: What?
Kunikida: Who?
Yosano: The Mafia Executive?
Kenji: Yeah!
Yosano: I thought he hated him though?
Kunikida: You know them?
Yosano: Nakahara Chūya, the mafia executive
Atsushi: But wasn’t he always complaining about his fashion? And his moods? And basically everything else about him?
Kunikida: I think I remember who you’re talking about. Dazai was always making fun of his height so I doubt it’s him
Kenji: I thought the coat that everyone was arguing about was Nakahara’s, and I thought everyone knew this. I didn’t notice that I hadn’t checked the chat in a while, so I didn’t know none of you knew
Atsushi: Coat? Oh, his partners coat?
Kunikida: How did you not notice? It’s like pinging every few minutes of most days
Kenji: I was playing games! And yeah, his partners coat, Atsushi-San
Yosano: Actually, not only the coat makes sense. I also saw a wine collection in the background once, and figured Dazai likes wine. But as I recall, Nakahara-San is a fan of wine, right?
Kunikida: So Dazai may be dating a mafia executive?
Atsushi: No! He wouldn’t do that, would he?
Kunikida: Surely not..
Yosano: I could be wrong; Maybe he enjoys wine as well
Kunikida: It must be that!
Ranpo wanted to throw his phone at the wall. How the fuck did Kenji figure it out before everyone else?! Ranpo thought to himself. Even I had to ask Dazai! Granted, the coat that Kenji recognized had never been shown before I found out.
He left the group chat after that. He was done watching them delude themselves into thinking that Dazai wasn’t with Nakahara Chūya. It was laid out before them, and they refused to accept it.
He decided that he wanted to finish this once and for all. He texted Dazai.
Dazai & Ranpo:
Ranpo: I want my sanity back
Dazai: ???
Ranpo: Tell them about your marriage
Dazai: I assumed that you were going to tell them when you found out. I did notice that they didn’t seem to know, so why only now do you want them to know?
Ranpo: Because I’m done with the secret group chats
Dazai: Secret group chats?
Ranpo: And the stupid back and forth about whether you like wine
Dazai: I don’t? Chūya does
Ranpo: And the discussion on whether or not you’re involved with a vacuum cleaner
Dazai: How did they get that idea?
Ranpo: That was at the beginning. They noticed some of your love bites, and thought you were doing it purposefully to egg them on
Dazai: lmao
Ranpo: Anyway; You need to end this now!
Dazai: But these theories sound so interesting!
Ranpo: I want to watch their reactions to you revealing your relationship subtly.
Dazai: Subtly?
Ranpo: Don’t just announce it; Act normally, but do something that will get Mr. Fancy Hat to come into the camera
Dazai: But what’s in it for me? While it is a fantastic source of entertainment, it’s also entertaining to watch them try to figure it out
Ranpo: You’re allowed out of all meetings for one day; I’ll get Boss to agree to it
Dazai: It would be nice to not have to deal with a meeting, but I do enjoy going to them. It serves as a source of entertainment when I mess with our coworkers
Ranpo: Anything-within reason-I’ll attempt to do for you
Dazai: A week vacation starting Monday, and it won’t be interrupted unless it is absolutely dire.
Ranpo: This will take a lot of convincing, but I’ll be able to secure this so long as you complete at least two full sheets of reports. They’ll be used as part of my way to convince him.
Dazai: One full sheet, and you have a deal.
Ranpo: I’ll make it work
Dazai: Well then, look forward to the show tomorrow
Ranpo: I will be
A few hours of begging and convincing later, Ranpo had his bargaining chip ready for use. He sent a confirmation text to Dazai stating that he got him his week off. Dazai sent back a simple “Okay” to the message; Unusually simple for him. He was too busy planning for the meeting for the following day.
The meeting started off as normal: Kyōka telling everyone that she dropped off their sweets. Kunikida chimed in; He’s enjoyed all of the muffins she’s been making. Tanizaki and Naomi joined in; Naomi had especially enjoyed the cupcakes Kyōka made. Fukuzawa inquired as to how he could get some, and Kyōka said she could drop them off if he gave her his address.
“Hey guys~!” Dazai had a smile on his face when he arrived. The focus had shifted to Dazai. “Sorry I’m so late! I was really busy last night so I was very tired this morning”
Everyone could tell that he was ‘busy’ last night. If it wasn’t his disheveled hair that gave it away, it was the fact that he obviously put his shirt on last minute from the way it hung on him. Maybe it was the glow he had, or even the marks on his neck. No matter what gave it away, everyone in that meeting agreed that this look screamed ‘Taken’ with a capital ‘T’.
“Put some decent clothing on!” Kunikida shouts from his computer. “There are children here!”
“But I already have my work shirt on?” Dazai gives a fake whine.
All of sudden, the talk is interrupted by shouting on Dazai’s end, “Dazai, you FUCKING idiot!”
“Umm..Dazai-San, is that your girlfriend?” Atsushi wonders aloud. Dazai snorts.
“Girlfriend?” Dazai repeats. “What gave you the idea that I have a girlfriend ?”
“God damnit!” The shouting sounds like it’s coming from the same room as Dazai now. “Do you have to leave so many fucking marks on me?!”
“But you do it all the time!” Dazai complains; Responding to the disembodied voice. Finally a certain ginger walks into the frame; Moving closer to Dazai.
“How the FUCK am I supposed to hide these?!” Chūya yells at him, gesturing to the marks all over his neck. He even seemed to have some on his arms.
“I already said that you do that to me!” Dazai responds; Waving him off.
“You don’t have to see people like I do!” Chūya moves his hand up to face for a moment, and sighs. “Just don’t do it again next time, okay?”
“Oh my~ Is this the patience you said you were going to have with me?” Dazai inquires; A smirk appears on his face.
“A proper relationship has patience, and especially you require a lot of patience,” Chūya responds; Grinding his teeth.
“M-mafia-..” Kunikida starts. The look of bewilderment was apparent in his face. The words would not leave his mouth no matter how hard he tried.
“I thought it was the cool guy!” Kenji beams.
“So you were dating an executive?!” Atsushi found himself asking; Nervous about the revelation. Kyōka was blank faced next to him. She gave a small wave and hi to Chūya.
Naomi is visibly screaming with joy-though is on mute. Tanizaki looks like he’s dying inside next to her. His ears are ringing from being so close to her scream.
Yosano gave a knowing look when Chūya appeared on screen. She wasn’t particularly surprised; After all, there was sufficient evidence that it could be him. She did glance at Ranpo-who had been quiet for most of the meeting-And he was giving a devilish look to the situation.
Fukuzawa is surprised. He’s learned more about his employee than he wishes he knew. Chūya wasn’t happy that the Agency knew more than they needed about their relationship either.
After the words from Dazai’s coworkers, Chūya turned to look at the laptop to their side. His face flushes as he realizes all that was said in front of his husband’s colleagues and boss. “Y-you’re in a meeting?!”
Dazai smirks at Chūya’s embarrassment, “Chūya should know by now that our meetings are held on Fridays!”
Chūya grabs a fistful of Dazai’s shirt. He leans closer to his face, “Why didn’t you stop me from speaking about all of this?!”
“Chūya’s so passionate when he gets embarrassed and angry; How could I let this opportunity go to waste?” Dazai explains. It only made Chūya redder after the answer. Dazai moves his mouse cursor to hover over the leave button, “Anyway, I’m gonna leave a little early; I’ll see you guys in a week!”
He ends the call.
No one spoke for a moment. The silence was eventually interrupted by Ranpo laughing. When his laughter died down, all eyes were on him.
“I can’t believe you all deluded yourselves into believing anything other than the truth!” Ranpo shakes his head. “Kenji had even said it”
“I didn’t think he’d go that far,” Kunikida continued; Unable to say anything more after the revelation.
“When did all of this happen?” Fukuzawa chimes in.
“They made a group chat that excluded you and Dazai,” Ranpo responds. “It was sad that they came to the conclusion, but still didn’t accept it”
“You made a chat without me?” Fukuzawa was slightly sad about this. He kind of wanted to be part of all the theorizing. Though, he thought, maybe being left out of the chat is for the best. I’m not too happy about learning all of this about my employee. I would have rather not been let in on the details.
The call ended up ending with an awkward silence. They had said their goodbyes, but no one was really in the mood to talk, apart from Kenji. He could tell everyone was surprised, so he just left them be instead of talking their ears off.
Dazai was in trouble. Trouble was an understatement. Chūya was seriously pissed off after everything that went down.
“What the fuck?!” Chūya exclaims. “Why did you do that?”
“Ranpo asked me to,” Dazai shrugs his shoulders; A smile plays on his face.
“He asked you to mark me up, and go on screen in front of your coworkers?” Chūya asks; Already knowing the answer.
“He asked me to make it known that you’re my husband, but in a subtle way,” Dazai corrects.
“And your bright idea was that?” Chūya growls. “I don’t know why everyone keeps calling you a genius when all you seem to do is make idiotic decisions”
“Only when it involves Chūya,” Dazai smirks. “How else are you supposed to tell that I treat you differently than my friends?”
“I don’t know,” Chūya starts. He gives him a glare. “Maybe take me on a date; Like a normal husband”
“You don’t want a normal husband,” Dazai responds. “If you did, you wouldn’t have married me”
“I guess it is my own stupid decision that led to this, huh?”
“Don’t pretend like you don’t love waking up next to such a handsome face!”
“What’s handsome about a guy that doesn’t bathe unless I drag him into the bath?”
“A lot of things”
“I think it’s more likely that I lost my mind during the quarantine”
“You still see people, so you don’t have an excuse for going insane”
“I’m living with you, and that’s reason enough to go insane”
“How rude Chūya! You’re the more insufferable one”
“The fact that I find you cute when you try to get out of taking a bath is the perfect example. No sane person would find that scene cute”
“It’s really just the hats; You stopped wearing them at first, since you were staying home. Then when you started wearing them again, it cut off circulation in your head-because your head got so much bigger- and you began thinking it was weird”
“This is also a prime example of how I’d go insane”
“You love me!”
“Unfortunately”
There may have been a bit more arguing, but they eventually ended up on the couch: Dazai laying his head in Chūya’s lap, and Chūya resting his hand in Dazai’s hair. They silently watched a documentary on the process of wine making(Chūya’s choice). Dazai wasn’t actually watching; He was sleeping(surprisingly).