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It starts when Buck wakes in the middle of the night, body sticky with copious amounts of sweat, and vague memories of being crushed by 20-some tons of metal. His first instinct is to throw back his covers and check that his leg isn’t surrounded by an uncomfortable cast. The relief from not seeing the out of place, stark white against his bedsheets isn’t enough to stop the dizziness in his head, to soothe the burning in his throat from bile that was preparing to force its way out of him, but it does shift the pain off his leg. The weight of the fire engine is now placed upon his chest, he can see the lights of police cars. Can hear the sound of an explosion, the murmur of people speaking and sirens all at once. Over all of the commotion, the thing he can hear most clearly is his own screams. All the noise is making his head pound. He’s having trouble breathing, the weight getting heavier and heavier and- oh god he’s going to explode.
He shuts his eyes and leans back. Slowly sucking in breaths of air, Buck tries to bring himself back to reality, to convince himself he’s no longer under that ladder truck. Tries to think about what he has to do after the sun comes up. He has a morning shift; he’ll get coffee before and he’ll grab an extra one because Eddie works too and. And Eddie is okay, he’s not using his hands to pull Buck out of the wreckage, soon to be using the same hands to break a man's nose when the anger grabs hold of him and Buck isn’t able to come around and talk him out of it. But he’s okay, he’ll be a bit late to work since he always manages to take the roads with the most traffic. He’s okay, he won’t be walking into work with bruised ribs and arms, won’t be flinching away from any hug Buck throws his way. Eddie’s okay. Buck’s okay.
Buck takes another deep breath and slowly opens his eyes. He blinks a few times, adjusting to the lighting, and looks up towards his ceiling. His eyes land on something moving slightly and he catches a glimpse of red. It’s 3:46am, Buck goes into work at 6, but with his mind racing he decides to spend time looking into the meaning of ladybugs.
“Hey guys! Did you know that ladybugs are actually beetles?” Buck says as he enters the upstairs of the firehouse, making his way to the microwave to set Eddie’s coffee so it stays warm.
“What?” Chimney looks over the top of the pastry box he’s digging through, “Why are you bringing something like that up so early in the morning, Buckley?”
“Because there was one in my room last night and I got curious about what it meant?”
“‘What it meant’? What do you mean? It’s a ladybug,” Hen pitches in.
“Well, uh, you know! Bugs are used to symbolize stuff sometimes, right? Like that caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland!” Buck sits down at the table across from Chimney, reaches over and steals the box of pastries.
“I’m surprised you even know what Alice in Wonderland is, kid,” Chimney rolls his eyes and moves away from the table to refill his coffee.
“Also, this is real life, Buck, I don’t think that god or whomever is sending bugs to you as some sort of lesson,” Hen laughs softly.
“Yeah, but-”
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late, got caught up in traffic,” Eddie breathes out as he enters the room.
“No worries, Buck got you coffee, it’s over here in the microwave,” Chimney says, grinning wickedly at Hen.
“Oh! Hey! Eddie, do you think bugs have a meaning in our lives?”
“Buck, what?”
The appearance of bugs after Buck has a nightmare or a flashback to one of the many things that has happened to him becomes a recurring thing. A praying mantis on the bathtub after he gets too in his head and ends up remembering all the times as a kid he wished his parents would love him. An ant on his bedside table after waking up from a nightmare about his time spent with Abby. Loneliness sits heavy in his chest for a few days after that one. He tells Eddie about every single one of these instances.
The next big one happens when Buck is staying the night at the Diaz’s. He jolts up from the couch, coughing and spluttering, feeling like his lungs are full of water. It takes longer than he’d like to admit to come to his senses. He is sitting on the couch in his favorite boys’ house. He’s not on the pier. He’s okay. He had dinner with both Eddie and Christopher. Gave Chris a hug goodnight and had a beer with Eddie before they both decided to call it a night. He’s okay. Chris is- Chris. Buck needs to see Chris.
Buck stands from the couch and makes his way down the hallway to Christopher’s room, he pushes slightly on the door and sees that his- Eddie’s kid is safely asleep in his bed. Buck lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, full of water, and the taste of sea salt, and the feeling of crumbling after he saw that Chris was safe. Full of Buck… there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you. Full of the feeling of Eddie’s hand on his shoulder. Buck moves back from the door and out towards the kitchen. He’s quiet as he moves around Eddie’s kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and chugging it. It’s then he realizes he hasn’t seen a bug since he woke up. He sets his cup down and searches around, under the kitchen counter, stepping on every tile carefully to make sure he doesn’t kill whatever creature is waiting to be found.
Buck spots a cricket sitting in the space between where the kitchen meets the dining room. He rushes around Eddie’s kitchen as quietly as he can, pulling out a plastic container and cutting small slits in the top then grabbing a piece of paper from Eddie’s fridge. He makes his way over gently and scoops the cricket into the container.
“Whatcha got there?”
“Oh! Shit dude you scared me!”
“Sorry, Buck. You okay? Why are you awake?” Eddie asks, leaning closer to inspect whatever Buck is holding in his hands at 2 in the morning.
“I- uh- I had another one of those nightmares. So, I came looking for a bug.”
Eddie reaches forwards and takes the cricket from Buck’s hands. He moves towards the door and releases the creature back outside.
“You have any facts about crickets?” Eddie shoots Buck a soft smile.
“Uh… Did you know that they have more protein than beef or salmon? Maybe we should ask Bobby to start feeding us crickets.”
“Tell that one to Chris and I will tell Maddie to revoke your Jee-Yun babysitting privileges for two weeks. I don’t need him going around trying to eat bugs,” Eddie sends a playful glare towards Buck.
Buck gasps, clutching a hand to his chest, “You’d never!”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t test me, Buckley,” Eddie stares up at Buck, the corner of his mouth lifting at just how offended Buck looks at the idea. “Anyways, you wanna talk about the nightmare?”
Buck sighs, leaning back against the counter right next to the sink. “It was about the tsunami. I was losing Chris over and over again. Every time I’d get him back... he’d slip through my hands and I- I couldn’t stop it, Eddie. And I was- he was so scared and then I got to y-” Buck chokes, he didn’t even realize he had hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He’s drowning again.
“Hey. Hey. Buck, it’s okay. We- You’re okay. Chris is just down the hall, did you go see him? I’m not mad at you, never was. Everyone is safe,” Eddie has stepped forward now, close enough Buck would reach out to him if he wasn’t 10 feet under crashing waves.
Eddie steps a bit closer, lifts an arm (the same one that was bruised when he came into work that day Buck thinks distantly), and drops it onto Buck’s shoulder. He tightens his grip slightly and says, “Hey man, hey. Come on, all you gotta do is breathe. You’ve got this. In through your nose, out through your mouth. It’s okay, Buck. We’re okay, Buck.”
Buck can feel himself calming down slowly but he still grips the edge of the counter until his knuckles turn white to hide the shaking in his hands. He cracks his eyes open slowly, gives a shaky smile to Eddie, and drops his head down when he realizes how close they are.
“You with me Buck?” He gives a nod. “Alright, come on, you gotta go back to sleep. We can talk about this more in the morning if you’d like.”
Eddie pulls back from Buck slowly and turns to leave the kitchen without saying another word. Buck runs a hand over his face and exhales long and hard. He goes to make his way back towards the couch, but before he can tuck himself back in, he hears Eddie call out his name.
“Buck? Come on, you’re sleeping in here. Gotta have you fully rested so you’re on your best game to make that french toast Chris likes so much.”
Buck steps cautiously into Eddie’s bedroom. “Eds… I can’t put you on the couch, seriously. I-I’ll be okay.”
“Who said anything about me sleeping on the couch?” Eddie shoots Buck a bright smile before pulling back the covers and climbing into his bed. Buck stares at Eddie like he’s seen a ghost. This might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, Buck thinks. Above getting crushed, above being exiled by his parents, above almost drowning ever though his feet were planted on solid ground, above literally d-
“Buck, come on. Nothing's gonna hurt you,” Eddie smiles again, patting the space next to him on his bed. Buck exhales shakily and moves to get in beside Eddie. He lays flat on his back and pulls the cover up to his chin, but would be lying if he said this wasn’t the most relaxed he’s felt in months. Eddie gives him a small laugh before turning on his side away from Buck. Buck lets his breathing even out, and eventually his grip on the blanket lessens and he falls deep into sleep.
And if they wake up entangled together – Eddie’s hand on the scars zagging across Buck’s chest, and Buck’s hand around Eddie’s shoulders resting on the nasty exit wound – no one has to know.
After that night Buck’s nightmares become centered around Eddie. A stink bug on his table when he wakes up from a nap where he dreamt that Eddie didn’t make it out of the well that day. Spotting a largus bug on the sidewalk after waking up from a nap that caused the walls of his apartment to feel like they were closing in on him. An assassin bug when he wakes up from a dream where Eddie directed his punches at what was truly causing him pain.
A millipede is creeping in the corner of his room when he wakes up with the taste of blood in his mouth. His face is soaking wet with tears and he knows this blood tastes familiar because- because- Eddie. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Eddie’s body fall to the ground, sees him reach out towards Buck, feels the burn in his muscles as he tossed Eddie over his shoulder and into the ladder truck and- and he sees Eddie close his eyes. Feels his pulse die out beneath his fingers and he couldn’t- he-
“Buck!? Are you okay?” Buck can hear Eddie’s voice coming out of his phone. Shit. He must’ve called him without even realizing.
Buck scrambles to grab his phone and tries to get out that yes, I’m okay, just go back to sleep but all that comes out is a choked sob. He barely hears Eddie say, “Okay, okay. It’s okay. I’m coming.” Buck buries his head into his hands, pressing his palms hard onto his eyes to try and stop the tsunamis coming from them. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, hands shaking against his eyes as he cries and heaves and wishes these bugs would leave him alone. A knock at his door sends him darting out his bed on unsteady legs. He manages to avoid falling down a majority of the stairs but, trips up on the last two and knocks his knees hard against the floor. There’s a pause and another knock, this one a bit harder, “Buck?! You okay? Are you able to let me in?” Eddie calls out.
“Yeah-” Buck’s voice gets lost in his throat, he coughs, ugly phlegm pushing its way up and he’s too busy drowning to care when he spits it on the floor. “Yeah. I’m coming I- Give me one second.”
Buck manages to push himself onto his feet, knees buckling a bit as he moves around the pile of his spit on the floor. When he reaches the door his shaky hands do their best to unlock it. As soon as he can see Eddie he’s being surrounded by warmth. Eddie pushes his way into Buck, hands and arms steady around Buck’s rolling waves. Buck exhales and drops his head into Eddie’s shoulder, breathing in as much of him as he possibly can. He can hear Eddie whispering to him, speaking softly and strongly - it’s okay, I’m here. I’ve got you Buck, let it out. Come on, you gotta breathe. There you go, Buck, it's okay, you’re doing great. I’m okay, you’re okay, Chris is okay, we’re okay, your family is okay. He repeats the words like reciting a prayer and holds onto Buck like he’s the rosary beads.
Buck straightens himself up after he feels like the receding waves won’t make him fall to his knees again. He backs up slowly, creating a slight distance between him and Eddie and looks up to meet his eyes. He’s rewarded with a small smile in response and Buck can immediately feel bile fill his throat. His eyes go wide and he turns, way too fast, and almost slips on his spit pile on the way to the bathroom. Shit. Is all he can think. Shit, shit, shit. Eddie’s going to leave. He’s going to think I’m gross and he’s going to tell the rest of the 118 about this and I’ll get fired and I can’t stay with Maddie and I- He hears the sink start running above him and prepares for Eddie to start yelling. He allows the cold tile beneath his knees to ground him as he feels Eddie lower himself down on the floor next to him. Buck would be damned if he looks at Eddie right now, so he keeps his head secured above the toilet bowl.
“Hey Buck, sorry it took so long for me to get in here. I grabbed a cup of water and some extra clothes in case you got anything on yourself. You think you can move yet? Buck?”
“No,” Buck mutters, his response muffled, “You’re going to hate me. You can leave.”
“Hate you? Buck, what? Hey, come on, if you don’t feel like you’re gonna throw up again, sit back so I can clean up.”
Buck’s eyes go wide as he moves to be able to look at Eddie, to see if he’s being lied to. “Clean me up? What do you mean? This is- you should- Eddie… I couldn’t save you,” his mouth is feeling with spit, but he knows swallowing will make him feel grosser, so he turns his head back and spits into the toilet before continuing, “I couldn’t ever do the one fucking thing I was put on this Earth for right. I’m-”
“I’m alive, Buck. I’m right here with you. I’m alive because of you.” Eddie extends a hand and offers Buck the damp towel he had been holding. When Buck doesn’t move, Eddie reaches out a bit farther and tugs his wrist gently to bring him closer, then uses the towel to start wiping at Buck’s mouth. “I’m right here. You saved me. You saved Chris. You’ve saved countless lives and not because it’s ‘the one thing you were put on this Earth to do’ but because you’re Buck. You care endlessly and sometimes you care too much about people who don’t deserve you, okay?”
Buck can feel himself nodding, too tired to express himself verbally. “Alright, come on, let’s finish getting you cleaned up.”
Eddie pulls Buck off the ground and helps him through the motions of getting cleaned up before getting back in bed. Buck believes he fell asleep through most of it, because it isn’t until he’s being wrapped up in a blanket that he’s able to form another thought. “Stay. Please,” Buck whispers out towards Eddie as he starts to turn away from the bed. Eddie smiles at him, a look on his face Buck has become used to seeing, but still doesn’t know what it means. As soon as Eddie is next to him in bed, Buck is clinging to him, laying his head as close to Eddie’s heartbeat as he can. He feels a kiss against his forehead and barely hears when Eddie says, “Anything for you,” before he’s drifting off to sleep.
Buck knows that the bugs will always be around. Haunting him at night or even scaring him in broad daylight, but he thinks they’ll be a little easier to deal with when Eddie is there to scoop them out the window.