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Luz stared down lovingly at her girlfriend, who lay fast asleep on top of Luz, her head cradled into Luz’s stomach.
They had been cuddling on the couch and watching a movie together, but Amity must’ve been tired; the witch was asleep before the end of the exposition. Luz had paused the show, and she’d been running her fingers through Amity’s hair for the better half of an hour now.
It was peaceful, domestic moments like this that helped Luz feel any semblance of hope for the future. Maybe the Demon Realm was falling apart, maybe her adopted family was suffering, maybe her friends would never see their home again and all of this was entirely Luz’s fault, but hey, at least cuddle puddles were a thing. And at least Luz knew Amity was by her side.
A tiny smile graced Luz’s lips when Amity began to snore lightly. This was nice, and Luz was so content that she could’ve stayed that way for the rest of her life.
But then she felt it.
It was small at first, barely creeping in, and she almost couldn’t detect it at all. A little spark here and there, racing through her toes.
Luz tried to readjust her position, just a bit, and all of a sudden, her entire foot was numb.
Luz froze, all of her attention focusing on the lack of feeling that was now starting to invade her limb. She felt her breathing pick up as she tried to force down the thoughts that were dancing on the edges of her mind.
It’s just your leg falling asleep.
But it feels exactly like—
You’re not there.
But it feels like I am.
You got away.
Then why can’t I move?
Luz felt like she was suffocating. Her chest felt like it weighed ten tons, her lungs attempting to contract shakily, and the air tasted thick, making Luz choke on her swallows.
Her hands gripped on something tightly, and tears blurred her spotted vision while her heartbeat pounded away at her skull. What was happening? She wanted to run, she needed to get away, but she couldn’t move. Why couldn’t she move, why couldn’t she move?
She tried to scream for help, tried to wail out into the darkness, and she felt her voice, but she couldn’t hear herself. She couldn’t make a sound and she couldn’t move and she couldn’t feel her body. The numbness had spread in what seemed like a fraction of a second, consuming her torso and her arms and her neck.
“These monsters have warped your sense of reality.”
She pleaded, begged for it to stop, for him to stop. And that awful, grinding voice just persisted, laughing at her helplessness.
----------
Amity was startled awake by a knee in her abdomen shoving her off the side of the couch onto the floor. The air was immediately knocked out of her, but she was aware of cries sounding above her.
Struggling up to a kneel, Amity blinked furiously as she grasped the situation in front of her.
Luz was squirming violently where she sat, her eyes scrunched close and fresh tear tracks trailing down her cheeks. She was hyperventilating wildly, and her whole body was shaking.
Probably the most disturbing aspect of it all, though, were Luz’s words. Amity watched in horror while Luz was screaming for mercy from something unknown. Strangled shrieks of “stop” and wails of “please” came tumbling out of Luz’s mouth between her sobs, but Amity couldn’t discern the cause of such a harsh reaction.
Hurrying to her girlfriend’s side, Amity tried to get a hold of Luz’s shoulder, but as soon as she made contact, Luz jolted away with a yell and another set of intense cries. Luz curled in on herself, starting to lose energy, and her head turned into the back cushions of the couch where her tears caught on the fabric.
“Luz!” Amity called, hoping she could be heard.
But Luz showed no sign of registering her name as she continued her panic. Amity wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad sign that the crying and screaming had mostly subsided to make way for the inefficient gasps that were Luz’s current form of breathing.
“Luz, please, I need you to breathe,” Amity said worriedly.
Obviously that wasn’t going to help anything, but Amity was completely out of her depth. What was one supposed to do when they woke up to their girlfriend having some sort of panic attack and an aversion to touch?
“I heard yelling. What’s going on?”
Amity’s head snapped up to find Hunter, who had presumably just walked in.
“Hunter, I—” Amity whimpered, her voice coming out much less stable than she’d planned, “I don’t know what’s happening she was just like this when I woke up and now she won’t calm down and I think I’m only making it worse and what if—”
“Hey,” Hunter interrupted. “Take a breath. She’ll be okay. It looks like a trauma response. Or at least, that’s how I…nevermind.”
Hunter walked over to the couch, sitting on the coffee table in front of it.
“Just let her cry it out.”
“What?!” Amity said, astounded. “I’m not gonna let her just stay like this! She’s clearly terrified!”
Hunter raised an eyebrow.
“Well what are we supposed to do about it?”
“I–…”
Amity hated that she didn’t know.
Hunter sighed, “Look, Amity, she doesn’t seem to be responding to the same environment as us, and there’s not a whole lot we can do if she can’t process what we’re saying. Besides, I always resolved stuff like this on my own and I’m fine!”
Amity’s expression only got more upset.
“Yeah, okay, maybe I’m not that fine…but anyway, I think we just have to wait for her to be more receptive before we can help.”
Amity bit her lip. She never was very patient, but if it was all they could do…
“Okay.”
So they waited. And waited. They sat by Luz, not leaving her side. And after what felt like an eternity to Amity, but was really (hopefully) a lot shorter, Luz’s breathing started becoming more regulated.
Amity inhaled sharply.
“Luz? Can you hear me?” she tried, standing to get closer to Luz’s face.
Luz slowly, and with much struggle, peeled open her puffy red eyes to gaze fretfully at Amity.
Their eyes met, and Amity watched in slow motion as Luz’s face scrunched up again and she broke into her sobs once more.
Amity reached out carefully, and when Luz didn’t pull back this time, she reached her arms around Luz and enveloped her in the warmest hug she could muster.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” she comforted soothingly. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
Luz cried and cried into Amity’s shoulder, producing the most heart-wrenching sounds Amity had ever heard slip from Luz’s mouth. Amity closed her eyes as she went on with her comforting rubs over Luz’s back, attempting to push back her own warm tears that were pressing against her eyelids. Though he didn’t make a noise, Amity was pretty sure Hunter was waiting patiently in place through the whole ordeal.
“Amity, I— He was— I—” Luz tried, biting out between her bawls.
Amity hugged Luz tighter.
“Oh, Luz,” she said softly, “it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay. Just take a deep breath for me, alright?”
Amity made an effort to follow her own advice, expanding her chest as she inhaled fully and hoping her girlfriend was following her example. And thankfully, after a few breaths, Amity could feel Luz’s vulnerable frame shakily contracting along with her own.
“That’s it,” she encouraged. “You’re okay.”
Amity let her fingers slide into Luz’s hair, massaging her scalp tenderly. And once Luz let out a big sigh and moved to pull away from the hug, Amity backed up to sit next to Luz again, still hanging onto her hand. She looked at Luz with concern that was poorly disguised with a weak smile.
Luz shifted, pulling her knees up to her chest slowly and tremulously, as if it was taking a lot of effort. She glanced up, noticed Hunter, shifted her eyes back to Amity’s, and then focused back down at her hand, which she fisted up and stretched out like she was testing it.
After a moment, she opened her mouth to speak.
“I—” she began unsteadily, averting her gaze in a lazy attempt to hide the next wave of tears already welling up.
She frowned, and Amity could tell it was one of those times when you physically can’t stop your lips from downturning.
Amity squeezed Luz’s hand in what she hoped was a reassuring way.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she told Luz gently.
Amity felt a swell in her heart when Luz squeezed back.
Luz exhaled, and Amity could hear the quiver in her breath.
“I should, though,” Luz managed quietly.
Amity swallowed, trying to think of how she could be the most supportive.
She settled on saying, “Would you rather just tell one of us? Or someone else?”
Luz’s frown twitched even deeper for a second, her eyelids flickering as the water threatened to spill out of her tear ducts.
“I wish Eda was here,” Luz confessed with a whimper.
Amity’s heart just about shattered. She didn’t think there was very much of anything she could say to make things better. Luz went on without prompt, though, so Amity listened.
“I…back at…”
“The head?” Amity offered.
Luz nodded.
“Before you guys came. He…”
There was no need to clarify who Luz was talking about. All three of them grimaced.
“He wanted to go through the portal, and I stupidly tried to stop him, as if I’d be any match for someone who’d had centuries of practice with magic.”
Luz sniffled, and Amity wanted to tell her off for her self-deprecating talk, but Luz kept going before Amity could collect her thoughts enough to do so.
“He was beating me, obviously,” Luz said, pausing to turn her head upwards and blink back the tears. “He had me trapped and he—”
The blinking was futile, the tears starting to fall again down Luz’s cheeks as she cut herself off with a choked cry.
Amity and Hunter looked at each other nervously, and Amity’s insides were fighting between a dank emptiness of fear for what Belos had done and an overwhelming worry for Luz.
Still not having the words to express herself, Amity was eternally grateful when Hunter finally spoke up.
“Luz, it’s gonna be okay. Whatever happened, we’ve got you.”
Luz brought her free hand up to her face, rubbing at the tears halfheartedly.
“I…he…”
Finding her voice, Amity aided, “He had you trapped and…?”
Luz nodded, “Yeah, he had me and I tried to talk my way out of it, but of course that wasn’t going to work, and he was telling me about how I was…he…” Luz took another breath. “He almost petrified me.”
The words came out small and barely audible, but amid the silence they brought, they felt like a resonating yell.
“What?” Amity said, her voice low.
Hunter’s expression darkened, his fingers gripping his pants to stop his hands from shaking.
Amity was still stuck trying to process the bombshell that Luz had just dropped on them, but Luz was already talking again.
“I know I should’ve told you what happened and—”
That brought Amity back to her senses.
“No, Luz, stop that!” she interrupted. “This is in no way your fault. Whether you’d told us or not wouldn’t have…”
Amity grimaced, her momentary articulacy fading away as her shock took back over, silencing her.
She wasn’t sure what to say. Or what to do. She wasn’t equipped to deal with this kind of situation.
But Luz was hurting, and she wouldn’t stand for that.
Slowly, Amity drew her hand close to Luz’s cheek, hovering by her face but not touching it. She wanted to close the gap, but she didn’t want to overstep and she wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate to ask if she could—
Luz let her head sag into her girlfriend’s palm, Amity’s cold fingers meeting the tear-streaked skin beneath Luz’s closed eyes. Amity’s thumb rubbed once, twice over her girlfriend’s cheek, then guided their heads together tenderly. As their foreheads met with a tap, Amity inhaled, matching Luz’s breathing.
“Amity, I…” Luz hesitated, not knowing what to say or do either. Amity could hear the shuddering in her breath.
Luz wanted to apologize again, but she didn’t know what she was apologizing for.
Finally, Amity announced, “I’m going to kill him.”
Luz gave the saddest chuckle.
“I think the Collector already beat you to that, querida,” she said quietly. “But I appreciate the sentiment.”
Luz tried to even her breathing with a sigh, but it didn’t work. She frowned again and leaned more into her girlfriend.
“I don’t know why I’m like this,” she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper as she quivered at her own words.
“Like what?” Amity asked, moving a hand to cradle the back of Luz’s neck lovingly.
“I don’t know…I’m so… weak,” Luz’s voice cracked.
“You’re not weak,” Hunter countered immediately.
Luz jumped, having forgotten that Hunter was even there. She broke apart from Amity and looked over at him questioningly.
He continued, “You’re just a person. You almost…he—…”
Hunter looked down and started playing with his fingernail.
“You know,” he finished, not able to say it.
It didn’t matter, though. They all knew. Luz almost died. And that was scary for all of them.
Luz sniffed, interrupting the stiff silence.
“Sorry I worried you guys,” Luz said feebly. “I know I’m supposed to be the positive one and all, but I guess it just gets hard sometimes.”
“What?” Amity asked, looking at Luz.
Luz couldn’t look back.
“I just can’t do it sometimes, and I know that’s stupid and unfair for all of you guys and—”
“No, not that. What do you mean you’re ‘supposed to be the positive one’?”
Luz drew her eyebrows upwards in confusion.
“I’m Luz,” she stated simply, as if that explained it.
It didn’t.
“I’m supposed to be the light,” she went on slowly, not understanding why this wasn’t common knowledge. “Everyone else might be feeling down, but I pick up the pieces. If people are fighting, I make it up. If there’s a problem, I solve it.”
Amity stared at Luz with a sort of shocked dread, but Luz didn’t seem to notice as she kept talking.
“It doesn’t matter if I feel down too, I’m supposed to help everyone else. I mean, that’s the only reason anyone likes me at all. I’m the positive one,” she repeated.
The way she talked, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, sent shivers down Amity’s spine. She felt herself tear up.
“Luz, what are you…?”
“What?” Luz said, cocking her head at Amity and Hunter. She couldn’t read Hunter’s expression, but if Amity’s eyes were glistening, something must be wrong.
Amity swallowed hard, trying to ignore the strain it put on her throat.
“Luz…can I hug you?”
When Luz gave the okay, Amity reached out unsteadily and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend once again. She patted the back of her head, smoothing her hair down.
“Luz,” she spoke, “you know that none of us expect that of you, right?”
Luz did not know.
“What do you mean?” she questioned.
Amity gave one more squeeze before pulling back to make eye contact with Luz.
“You don’t need to be strong for anyone but yourself.”
Amity’s voice was surprisingly steady, a rock to cling onto amidst what Luz felt to be a vast and deadly ocean of guilt.
“Amity, I…” she began, feeling her eyes warm again as somehow more tears threatened to retrace the tracks of their predecessors. “Shit, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m being such a crybaby today.”
She dabbed at her eyes, breaking the intent stare she had been exchanging with Amity and trying for a lighthearted laugh.
“Luz, respectfully, what the fuck,” Hunter said.
Luz drew back, startled.
“What?”
“Luz,” Hunter sighed, exasperated, “you just had the worst panic attack either of us have ever seen you have. We’d be more concerned if you weren’t crying. I understand wanting to keep in your emotions and trying to avoid being a hindrance, believe me, but also believe when I tell you it doesn’t fix anything.”
Luz didn’t answer, keeping her gaze on the floor.
“Luz?” Amity prodded. “Luz, he’s right. You don’t need to shove everything—”
“Yes, I DO!” Luz broke.
Amity jumped. Hunter sat up straight.
“You don’t— I— GAH!” Luz tried to explain, the tears now back and falling freely as she, finally able to move again, swung her feet off the couch to lean forward and place her head in her hands. “I can’t— I– I-I—”
Luz’s breath was picking up again, her brain desperately firing thoughts back and forth and back again in attempt to piece together how she could possibly explain this.
“Luz, sweetie, I need you to keep breathing,” Amity treaded, starting to reach a hand out to Luz’s shoulder.
It was a mistake. The moment her hand met Luz’s frail form, Luz smacked Amity away with her arm and recoiled, standing from the couch while a jarring sob escaped her control.
Luz was visibly shaking, standing in the living room with her arms wrapped around herself, her fingers digging into her arms repeatedly, her chest heaving with every aching wail, and Amity and Hunter could only sit helplessly.
“I—” Luz said through choked cries. “Just— just let me do this one thing for you!”
If it weren’t for Luz’s intense bawling, the room would’ve been dead silent.
“Luz, what—” Amity started to ask.
“I’m such a fucking burden! I’m a fuck-up!” Luz yelled. “I ran away from here because all I did was cause problems! As if that would fucking change in another universe! All I’ve done is make things worse for every person who’s ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with me!”
Luz was pacing now, one hand running through her hair and the other flailing around wildly in gestures to accompany her outburst.
“I’ve managed to get both of you in trouble for my sake, and I know neither of you have told me the severity of whatever issues that caused for you. I thought I had a family in Eda and King and now Eda can’t do magic and King is stuck with the Collector and for all we know they’re both dead and so are all of your families and you all are only stuck here because of my stupid, selfish decisions and the entirety of the Boiling Isles could be completely destroyed all because of me! I’m just as bad as he is!”
Amity and Hunter were too stunned to speak. Luz turned, her sobbing having cleared out to make way for a terrifying juxtaposition of calm anger on her face as she looked at the witch and grimwalker.
“So you’re fucking welcome,” Luz spat, her voice dripping in sarcasm, a piercing glare in her eyes that all three of them knew was directed at Luz herself. “I’ve totally and wholly fucked up everyone’s lives because the only thing I know how to be is a nuisance. The least I can do is not bother you with all that baggage, but oh look, I fucked that up too.”
Luz was breathing heavily when she finished, holding her stare for a few more seconds until her energy had evaporated, leaving her drained and empty. She exhaled, turning away again to get away from the looks Amity and Hunter were sending her way.
The silence dragged on for who knows how long, but Amity finally broke it.
“Luz.”
Luz stayed facing away, unmoving.
“Luz,” Amity repeated. “Luz, look at me.”
Still no movement.
Amity stood and crossed the small distance to her girlfriend’s side, gently lifting a hand to Luz’s cheek. She moved slowly, looking for any sign of Luz not wanting to be touched. When Luz let her close the space, she cradled Luz’s cheek carefully.
“Look at me,” she said again, this time directing Luz face towards hers with caution.
Luz looked utterly broken.
“You are not a burden.”
Luz whimpered, her temporary apathy replaced by an overwhelming surge of emotions: despair at life, frustration at herself, but most prevalently, warmth at Amity’s words.
She didn’t know how else to describe it. Hearing Amity tell her just that simple sentence managed to fill her with an indescribable burst of feeling. Luz found herself pushed to tears by it all, but she didn’t know if they were happy or sad.
Encouraged by Luz’s show of emotion, Amity continued.
“Luz, you were the one to teach us that we needed to look at the bigger picture. I find it ironic that you’re failing to do the same. Even if we faced issues because of what we did for you, it was because we chose to do so in return for all the good you gave us. Do you know where I would be if we’d never met?”
Realizing after a moment that Amity expected an answer, Luz just shook her head slightly.
“Me neither,” Amity said, “and I don’t even want to think about how miserable I would’ve been. I don’t know where you got this idea that you only cause trouble because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Luz, you don’t have to try to be our light. It doesn’t matter if you’re having the worst day ever, or if you’ve made a mistake, or if you have to take a minute to let it out and not be a complete optimist twenty-four-seven; you will always be our light just by being you.”
Luz looked at Amity through teary eyes as her words sunk in.
“And Luz?” Hunter added, drawing her attention to him. “Please don’t compare yourself to him. You may have been the same species, but trust me when I say that’s the only thing you have in common. You are infinitely better than that piece of shit.”
Luz let out a watery laugh.
“Okay,” she said, her voice cracking a bit. “You guys are…” sniff “You guys are really great friends.”
Luz was definitely going to need a glass of water after all this crying.
Amity smiled.
“Only because you showed us how to be, batata.” Amity placed a small kiss on Luz’s cheek before asking, “Group hug?”
Luz nodded fiercely, not trusting herself to say anything without totally losing her composure again.
Amity looked over at Hunter and gestured for him to come join them (which he did somewhat reluctantly but with a smile nonetheless), and they embraced Luz as she cried quietly into their comforting arms.
There would be more to talk about later, more problems to resolve and misplaced guilt to dispel, but for now it felt like, even if just for a minute, things could be okay again.