Chapter Text
Joey ran out the apartment to try and kiss Richard. Chandler sits at the counter on his laptop, Phoebe peering over to look at his screen.
Phoebe: So, how’s your date with your cyber-chick going?
Chandler smirks, Phoebe points at something on the screen.
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, what is all that?
Chandler: Oh, it’s a website. It’s the Guggenheim museum.
Phoebe nods
Chandler: See, uh, she likes art, and… I like funny words.
Chandler clears throat. Phoebe points at the screen again.
Phoebe: What does she mean by “HH”?
Chandler raises his eyebrows.
Chandler: It… means we’re holding hands.
He smiles at the floor.
Phoebe: Are you the cutest?
Chandler: I’m afraid I must just be.
They both laugh.
Phoebe: You know what I think is so great? That you are totally into this person, and yet, for all you know, she could be, like 90 years old or have two heads, or…
Phoebe makes a face of realisation.
Phoebe: It could be a guy.
Chandler makes a deadpan expression.
Chandler: Okay, it’s not a guy, all right? I know her.
Phoebe: It could be like, a big, giant guy.
Chandler rolls his eyes.
At this moment, Joey walks into the apartment.
Joey: Man, I got this close to him (gestures by putting his index finger and thumb close together) and Monica kneed me in the back!
Phoebe and Chandler pretend to be disappointed for him.
Joey: what’s going on?
Phoebe: we’re just wondering if Chandler’s girlfriend’s a girl.
Chandler rolls his eyes again, this time with more frustration.
Joey: Just ask her how long she’s going to live. Women live longer than men.
Chandler and Phoebe look at eachother.
Chandler (to Joey): How do you not fall down more?
Phoebe: Okay, ask her what is her current method of birth control.
Chandler: All right.
Chandler types in the message and they all wait for a response. Meanwhile, they talk.
Joey: So how’d you meet someone online anyway?
Chandler: This online dating thing is great, you can ask out as many girls as you want without embarrassing yourself, because it’s well… online.
Joey looked unconvinced.
Chandler: You should try it out!
Joey: I’m great at asking out girls.
Chandler: Sure, but you wouldn’t even have to leave the apartment, you could just ask out a girl from the BarcaLounger.
Joey (excited): Oh my god, that’s genius!
Phoebe: Oh, look, she replied!
Chandler read the message out loud.
Chandler: “My husband is sleeping with his secretary.“
Chandler: she’s married?
Joey and Phoebe frown.
Phoebe: Well, at least we know she’s a woman.
Chandler runs a hand through his hair.
Chandler: I can’t believe she’s married.
Joey: Oh, man, I’m sorry. You said you could ask out as many girls as you wanted? Well forget her, ask out another one.
Chandler just sighs.
Joey: This must be really tough for you, huh?
Joey begins massaging Chandler’s shoulder who looks exasperated.
Chandler: Let it go, Joe, I’m not kissing you.
Joey: Alright, alright.
—- later that day —-
Chandlers alone in the apartment, watching something absentmindedly on TV. Joey walks in.
Chandler (to Joey): how was the audition?
Joey: Didn’t get it.
Chandler: Aw, man, I’m sorry.
Joey: It’s fine, I just wasn’t the right guy... Hey, can you help me get that online dating thing?
Chandler: um, okay?
Joey: Monica let me borrow her laptop.
Chandler: sure, bring it to the counter.
They both go to the kitchen, Joey puts the laptop down and Chandler starts typing something.
Chandler: Anddd.. done! You now have an anonymous online dating page. Have fun out there, kid.
Joey (grinning): Thanks, man.
—- later that day —- (the grammar is purposefully wrong in the text messages because that’s how I feel they would type)
It’s night-time, Joey is alone in his room with hugsy. He is staring at Monica’s laptop’s screen in the dark.
Joey (quietly): okay, Hugsy, let’s do this.
Joey types on the laptop.
Joey: So this girl is a st- statical- statistical analysis and data reconfigerer? And a ranger’s fan.
Joey (to Hugsy): That’s not even a real job. Whatever, she likes the rangers, I’m asking her out.
Joey stares at the blank screen humming in thought. He then types, “so you’re a rangers fan. Who’s your favourite player ;)”
Joey (whispering excitedly): Look Hugsy, I used a little face!
He quickly gets a ping back. Joey winces at the loud noise and turns off the volume. He reads the message.
Anonymous: “The Messiah, of course. You?”
Joey types back, “Mika Z is better sorry not sorry”
Joey then types, “What does your job thing mean”
The response reads “Wish I knew :(“
Joey (messaging back): “But its your job”
Anonymous: “Even my boss doesn’t know. I just type in numbers and get laid”
Anonymous: “sorry, PAID”
Joey snickers at that.
Joey (to Hugsy): huh, numbers. Kinda sounds like what Chandler does. This girl must be a nerd.
Anonymous: “What about you?”
Joey (to Hugsy): oh man, i need to say something smart… Wait! I’m technically a doctor, right? I know how to act one at least.
Joey: “Im a doctor”
Anonymous: “Wow! What kind?”
Joey (to Hugsy, confused): What kind? There’s more than one kind?
Joey: “operations and stuff you know”
Anonymous: “I always wanted to know, is it stressful?”
Joey: “sure”
Joey (to Hugsy): Man, we need to steer the conversation away from all this doctor stuff.
Joey: “How long have you been a rangers fan?”
Anonymous: “27 years”
Joey (to Hugsy): how old is this chick!?
Joey: “wait how old are you?”
Anonymous: “… 27”
Joey: “me too”
Joey: “you were a fan even when you were a baby?”
Anonymous: “you weren’t a fan when you were a baby?”
Joey: “youre yanking me?”
Anonymous: “A little ;)”
Anonymous: “Did you see last Saturdays game? I saw it live”
Joey: “No way me too! The ref was so unfair with the offside”
Anonymous: “the ref was super biased. Imagine, we might have seen each other at the game and had no idea”
Joey: “maybe but if I saw someone as hot as you I probably already asked you out”
Anonymous: “hot? You’ve never seen me”
Joey (smirking at Hugsy): now we’re in my comfort zone.
Joey: “from the way you talk ;)”
Anonymous: “yeah :) ?”
Joey: “yeah, I’m picturing you in my head right now”
Anonymous: “well don’t get too carried away”
Joey: “what do you mean”
Anonymous: “probably a terrible idea to be telling my date this, but I’m not exactly a catch”
Joey: “hey! Your funny and smart im sure you’re great”
Anonymous: “thanks. How do you picture me in your head?”
Joey: “well, tall but not taller than me of course. Nice smile, definitely.“
Anonymous: “not taller than you? Never heard a date say that before. How tall are you?”
Joey: “5’ 11” you?”
Anonymous: “that’s really tall. I’m 6’0””
Joey (to Hugsy): six foot?! that’s a tall woman!
Joey: “that’s even taller than me :(“
Anonymous: “do you watch TV?”
Joey: “Baywatch”
Anonymous: “oh my god I love that show!!!“
Joey: “really?! Who’s your favourite”
Anonymous: “Yasmin of course”
Joey (to Hugsy): oh my god, she’s attracted to women too? This is the best online date ever!
Joey: “me too!”
Anonymous: “… really? Wow, I guess she does have an effect on everyone”
Joey: “duh. My roommate has a huge crush on her too. Probably more than me but don’t tell him”
Anonymous: “couldn’t if I wanted to. What’s he like? I have a roommate too.”
Joey: “hes the best, always makes me laugh. What about yours?”
Anonymous: “mines the best too! Hes really sweet. Hes also much more attractive than me so I cant let you meet him sorry :)”
Joey (to Hugsy, confused): but her roommate is a guy? Eh, she’s probably yanking me again.
Joey: “I won’t let you meet mine either. He’s really smart, you’d think I’m dumb after talking with him for too long”
Anonymous: “dumb? Youre a doctor!”
Joey (to Hugsy): what? Oh yeah, we kinda told her that, didn’t we buddy?
Joey: “yeah I guess. I’m sure you’re more attractive than you give yourself credit for.”
Anonymous: “I sure hope so. Don’t have much else going for me”
Joey: “I don’t believe that for a second”
They talk all night.
—- later —-
Chandler is eating cereal at the counter. Joey walks out of his room, smiling.
Chandler (teasing): what’s got you all smiley?
Joey (excited): dude, I tried that online dating thing, and I talked to this girl all night! She was funny, smart and we had so much in common! I bet she’s really hot!
Chandler (now grinning): that’s great Joe! I also chatted with some new girl all night. You were right, I’m glad I moved on from the married one.
Joey: how’d you end up asking her out?
Chandler: actually, she, uh… she asked me out.
Joey (smirking): wow, a woman who knows what she wants.
Chandler: that’s not weird is it? She’s also ridiculously tall for a woman.
Joey: really? Mine too!! Like six foot!
Chandler (nervous): If I didn’t know any better, I’d say we were talking to the same woman.
Joey: nah, I asked my one out.
Chandler (relieved): oh thank god. I told her about how you were a Venus fly trap for women.
Joey (confused): a what-what?
Chandler: you attract them
Joey (grinning): yeah I do
Monica walks in.
Monica (frowing at the boys’ dishevelled hair and eyebags): oh my god, did you boys sleep at all last night?
Chandler and Joey: nope!
Chandler: we both stayed up all night talking to pretty women on the internet.
Joey: yeah, baby!
Monica sighs.
Monica (to Joey): I need my laptop tomorrow but you can have it back after that.
Joey: sure, I’ll drop it off tomorrow morning.
Monica: thanks
Monica says goodbye to the boys and leaves the apartment.
Chandler and Joey grin at each other and high five.