Chapter Text
it’s only after kinn has known about his pregnancy for a little over two months that he starts to imagine how he’s going to tell his family. none of them have asked any questions of why porsche is suddenly close to him at all times, since he was properly made the only bodyguard allowed in kinn’s room, but they are starting to wonder why meetings have to be done virtually now.
kinn simply tells them he’s not sleeping well, and exhaustion would be seen as a weakness, so a meeting with a camera would hide that. it’s not his best lie, but he really is having trouble sleeping. part of him wishes porsche could sleep next to him, but he’s not sure what response he would get.
he decides to tell kim first, even though he’s sure kim would be able to find out on his own anyways. they haven’t really talked to each other in a long time, but kinn makes the effort of calling him and asking if they can meet at kim’s studio, wanting to avoid the compound and anywhere that would put them in public.
kim doesn’t ask why, nor does he care that kinn allows porsche to stay in the room with them, he just watches him as if he doesn’t trust him.
“how are you?” kinn asks, and it’s stupid, because he’s really fucking bad at small talk, but kim smiles at him and shakes his head.
“i’m fine,” he laughs again, “i should be the one asking, though. you look like a mess.”
“there have been some… recent developments.”
“do these developments involve porsche?”
kinn is confident that kim will react positively, even if he might not understand it, because he’s always been the biggest (albeit silent) supporter since the beginning. it does nothing to make him feel at ease, though, and he has to take a moment to breathe and think about what to say.
“i’m pregnant.”
kim says nothing, maintaining his neutral expression, but kinn can tell he’s trying his best to not react.
“i know it’s weird, but it’s my choice, and—”
“porsche is the father?”
“yes.”
“do you even know him? can you trust him?”
kinn falls silent, looking down at the floor. he knows kim is coming from a place of honest concern, since he has no idea who porsche is, but he sounds a little angry about it. kim’s voice makes it seem like he believes kinn is stupid for choosing this.
“yes. he’ll be a good father, kim. i appreciate the concern, but it’s misplaced.”
“and you want this for yourself?”
“yes, kim, i want to have this baby. but i need you to promise you’ll be here for me when i start hating myself for it. i already have porsche, but that won’t be enough some days.”
“if you know you’ll hate yourself, why go through with it?”
kinn sighs. he knows he can’t explain it well enough for kim to understand, because kim has never questioned his gender identity— in fact, when he was old enough to know what makeup could do, he’d stolen some from their mother and eventually bought his own. kim gladly took a lot of kinn’s old clothes and repurposed them, keeping some of the skirts and dresses and making an entire photoshoot out of wearing them for the first magazine cover he’d been asked to do. but clothing and makeup are different than the mental perception of being something you weren’t meant to be, of knowing from a young age that something was wrong but not quite knowing what it is. kinn was always far from a typical girl, back then, never liking makeup or dresses or anything deemed girly, and his parents were far too busy with working that they didn’t care much about it. money was never an issue but it was easier for them to let kinn play with tankhun’s toys, since they never paid enough attention, and never mentioned how strange it was to see their daughter obsessing over more boyish things.
“i want to have a family, kim.”
“with a man you barely know? how did this even happen?”
“i was drugged, not by porsche. but he- he helped me out when it happened, so…”
kim laughs, not at all subtle, and looks over to porsche, who is still in his default bodyguard pose.
“who else knows?”
“only the doctor.”
“why tell me first? shouldn’t you be worried about telling pa?”
kinn feels like he’s been slapped across the face. kim is well aware how their father isn’t exactly accepting, and it’s a big enough issue that kinn wishes he could go the entire pregnancy without mentioning it at all to anyone but kim and tankhun, because he just can’t envision himself anywhere with their father, telling him he’ll be a grandfather. he’s sure the news wouldn’t make it to his uncle or either of his cousins, if his father has any sense of intelligence, but it still lingers in the back of his mind that having this baby will always be unsafe, no matter what.
even without the constant worry that kinn will hate himself physically, that it’ll ruin his perception of himself and he’ll start to remember who he was born as more than who he’s supposed to be, people still want him dead. knowing he has a child wouldn’t change that, it would only serve to make things more dangerous.
but kinn knows that. he stayed awake thinking about every negative outcome, fully aware there would be people who would love to kill him, only now with the added risk of losing porsche and the baby as well.
it’s not an ideal situation, but kinn wants this. he isn’t letting this be ruined over the fear of some enemies thinking the three of them would be fair game.
“shouldn’t you be aware of khun korn’s feelings?”
porsche’s voice brings kinn out of his thoughts, seeing him staring kim down, no longer stuck in place. he looks annoyed, maybe, and doesn’t realize why kim is so blunt in his responses.
kim laughs at him.
“yes, porsche, i’m well aware of his feelings about kinn. but why worry about how i react when the biggest issue is pa, not me?”
“he needs your approval before he does anything else.”
kinn says nothing still, wondering if he made it obvious why he’d chosen to come here first. porsche is right, he concerns himself with kim’s approval more than anyone else that will find out, since kim had unconsciously taken that role from their mother after she died. kinn always liked having her approval, so when she was gone, kim sort of took over without even knowing.
“my approval?” kim laughs again, and porsche looks one step closer to fighting him, “you’re probably a smart guy, but it doesn’t seem you know much of anything about our family. if kinn were smart enough, i would never have known about this baby, because it would’ve been gone by now. judging by how he’s clinging to you, porsche, you convinced him it’s worth it. money talks, after all.”
porsche goes to say something, but kinn stops him.
“thank you for the honesty, kim. we’re leaving now.”
“you know i’m right.”
kinn just nods, leading porsche out of the studio and to the car. they don’t leave right away, sitting in silence for a few minutes.
“are you okay?” porsche’s voice is soft, comforting, and everything kinn feels he’s undeserving of, “i can go kick his ass if you want me to.”
“drive,” kinn is trying to keep his composure, but it falters a little, “you’ve earned a visit to your nong.”
“really? you want me to drop you off and—”
“no, i’m going with you.”
porsche looks surprised, maybe because porchay doesn’t— and probably shouldn’t— know about his actual job being bodyguard rather than bartender. kinn doesn’t know if it would be smart to tell porchay, if porsche even wants him to know at all, but he doesn’t want to go home, and he knows porsche has more than earned a visit to his own home.
the drive takes a bit longer than it should thanks to traffic, and it allows kinn’s brain to overthink the conversation with kim. he’s fully aware that the concept or having a baby with someone he’s only known for a few months is a little too much, but porsche isn’t just some random hookup he forgot to use protection for. it wasn’t planned, sure, but kinn has already realized his desire to have a baby was only amplified once he kissed porsche for the first time.
it’s a ridiculous thought, considering kinn never should’ve kissed him to begin with, and his only serious relationship scarred him so badly he refused to indulge in romantic feelings ever again, but it suddenly feels manageable. vulnerability is terrifying, but kinn finds himself wanting to be vulnerable with porsche.
“i didn’t know if i should tell chay,” porsche looks over to kinn when traffic completely stops for a moment, “he wouldn’t be mad, but i- i don’t know if he would understand.”
“because i’m a man having a baby?”
“well, yes, but i meant he wouldn’t understand why i would want to have a kid when i already have him.”
kinn tries to imagine porsche taking care of porchay when they first lost their parents, far too young to be orphans and unlucky enough to be left with an uncle who most likely never wanted children for himself. he imagines all of the sacrifices and late nights spent wondering if they can ever live comfortably, if their parents died only for their sons to fail, and comes to one conclusion— i’ll never let this baby be lonely.
it’s a new thought, for the most part, because until now, all kinn has really considered for the future is common sense. the next several months will be painful, but tolerable, and by the end of it, he’ll have a baby, with porsche. changes will be made to his room, eventually being adorned with toys he’ll inevitably step on and any semblance of dangerous head of the family kinn will be replaced simply by dad kinn. the hard exterior he’s built over the years will crack, slowly falling apart, and business partners won’t be as scared of him, so they’ll take more risks. all of that makes sense.
what doesn’t make sense is just how much kinn hasn’t considered actually raising the baby. how the rest of his life is going to be vastly different than the one he’d been forced to plan out after shooting tawan, going from surrounding himself in only what his father raised him for, to caring about another person, two other people, more than his own life.
and now, kinn thinks, perhaps that will make him more dangerous. maybe the need to protect porsche and the baby will make him scarier instead, knowing he’d do anything to make sure they’re safe.
they reach porsche’s house after an hour of traffic. kinn doesn’t open the car door at first, staring at the dashboard.
“we don’t have to tell him today,” porsche is looking at kinn with worry, far too much to feel like it isn’t forced, “he won’t be upset with the news, but if you want to wait until you feel better—”
“i want to tell him now. he’ll know eventually.”
“are you sure? we don’t have to mention anything yet.”
kinn looks over at porsche, already feeling the effects of kim’s reaction returning to him in full force, but he ignores it as much as possible, instead worrying about how ridiculous it is to think about kissing porsche every time he gets overwhelmed or upset over something trivial. the odds of romance ever being involved are low, anyway.
“he deserves to know.”
“okay.”
they stay in the car for another few minutes, in silence. porsche is the first to step out, walking over to open the door for kinn, and leads him into the house. kinn isn’t surprised the door is unlocked, but porsche seems to be, completely forgetting he didn’t have his keys on him as he mumbles something about i told him to keep it locked.
porchay is in the living room when they enter, which might explain the unlocked door, and he panics when he notices he’s no longer alone in the house, but sighs when he recognizes porsche and runs up to him for a hug.
“hia!” he exclaims, “you finally got time off!”
kinn awkwardly stands by the door, knowing porchay has no idea who he is and will eventually ask, but he suddenly feels nervous about telling him about the baby.
“just for today,” porsche laughs, silently motioning for kinn to sit on the couch.
the house looks so domestic and cozy it makes kinn feel a pang of sadness. the compound never felt like a home.
porchay pulls away from porsche and looks at kinn confusedly.
“uh, hello, phi,” he waves.
“chay, this is kinn. we work together.”
it’s interesting that porsche doesn’t outright say he’s my boss, but maybe it’ll be easier to explain things if it seems like they’re on equal footing.
“oh! it’s nice to meet you, p’kinn.”
kinn just smiles and watches porchay’s hands. he’d rather not talk until absolutely necessary, because he just realized the tv is displaying a playlist of music videos featuring wik front and center.
“we both came here to talk to you about something. it’s nothing bad, but you should know about it.”
“are you dating?”
“yes,” kinn interjects before porsche can say no. in return, porsche tilts his head for a moment before porchay looks between the two, not quite understanding everything.
“you didn’t need to come here to tell me that, did you? if you’re only here for today? i- i mean, i’m happy for you guys! but i don’t want you getting in trouble with your boss for coming here to tell me you’re dating.”
porsche sits porchay next to kinn on the couch and kneels down in front of them, with a look in his eyes that shows he’s done this before, he knows how to talk to porchay and how to keep him calm.
“there’s a little more to the situation, chay. some of it isn’t my place to say, so…”
kinn feels afraid to say it out loud again, after kim didn’t react the way he wanted him to, but should porchay’s opinion be held in such high regards? does it matter what he thinks, if all he’ll be is an uncle?
the coziness of the house hits again, and he realizes all of this exists because porsche wants porchay to live a comfortable life. porchay’s opinion has to matter, then.
“i’m pregnant,” he decides it’ll be easier to just say it without hesitation, and he doesn’t look at porchay or porsche, closing his eyes as he grasps at the fabric of his pants.
“oh, i- how is that possible?”
“i wasn’t… born a man.”
“oh! that makes sense. i- are you happy about it? i assume you’re keeping the baby if you’re here to tell me about it.”
kinn doesn’t respond, but he opens his eyes, seeing as porsche watches him with worry and places a hand on his knee.
“yes, we’re going to keep the baby,” porsche’s voice is soft enough it makes kinn melt a little— until he’s reminded whatever feelings he has most likely aren’t reciprocated.
“can i hug you, p’kinn?”
“oh, chay, you—”
porsche doesn’t finish his sentence before kinn ends up initiating the hug, eternally thankful no one else can see his face from this angle, because he’s fighting the urge to cry and it’s not working in his favor.
the thought of porchay being accepting of him when he doesn’t even know him, understanding that anyone porsche ends up with is a good person by default, and not even needing details of their relationship or how any of this is really possible, makes kinn feel overwhelmingly loved, for some reason. it makes him fear telling tankhun and his father because they would never be able to have this reaction; they’ll say what kim did, they won’t understand, they’ll encourage him to get an abortion, even. the desire to run away from everything and live quietly with porsche and porchay, the three of them raising this baby together and never worrying about anything anyone has to say, feels stronger than any sense of responsibility he feels towards taking over the business and being the head of the family.
when kinn pulls away from porchay, he knows he’s crying, and it’s obvious, but he lets it happen.
the only thing he’s grateful for is that they’re happy tears.