Chapter Text
for an entire week, kinn clings onto porsche every day as he tries figuring out what he wants to do about the baby. it starts because porsche happens to walk in moments after kinn’s morning sickness kicks in, and he follows to the bathroom, holding their hands against the cold tile floor.
“when chay would get sick, i used to sit with him and watch cartoons all day until i had to work,” porsche had mentioned, “do you want to do that with me today?”
so they ended up taking a few hours each day to watch old cartoons, the ones porsche grew up with, and kinn imagines doing this with a baby between them, watching the screen in awe. it doesn’t convince him raising a child would be worth it, but it also doesn’t dissuade him, either.
on the second week, when porsche came into kinn’s room, he notices the bathroom light is on, and automatically assumes it’s morning sickness again. except kinn isn’t in front of the toilet, he’s in front of the mirror, staring directly into his own eyes. there’s no noticeable bump yet, though kinn is already dressed for the day, but porsche can tell he’s not obsessing over the size of his stomach right now.
kinn is tired from the morning sickness, but he’s tired from overworking to compensate for being sick, and he needs to take a break before he crashes, but he can’t stop himself because he feels he should prove himself good enough to be someone porsche would be happy with.
watching his reflection in the mirror, kinn is reminded of the first time he wanted to tell someone about his identity. he was finally starting to figure things out, had already gotten his hair cut the way he wanted it and stole some of tankhun’s clothes, but he never actually mentioned anything to anyone. it was when he found himself in kim’s room that it accidentally came out, completely casual and not entirely smart.
“did you get your hair cut like mine?” kim was fully joking, but kinn didn’t pick up on it one bit.
“would you be upset if i did?”
and kim looked at kinn, eyes wide, realizing he really did follow what his baby brother had done with his own hair.
“i’m flattered, i think? it looks good on you.”
“it’s boyish, so yea, i would hope it looks good on me.”
it took only a moment for kim to figure it out, maybe he already knew or had suspicions beforehand, but he smiled at kinn. he didn’t learn the name kinn had chosen for himself that day, but when it became more well-known information in the house, everyone was expected to respect it. even kinn’s father, even his uncle, they were held accountable, too. his uncle had neglected to care several times, without worrying how it would make him look, because he could only ever see kinn as someone he hates.
looking back now, kinn wants to laugh at how quickly he’d gotten into having casual sex after that. none of the guys he slept with really cared, as they were getting paid to do it and kinn insisted on a very minimal talking rule, but he could always tell which ones had problems with him and which ones didn’t.
despite only vaguely remembering it, kinn liked being with porsche. some distant part of his brain tells him they should do it again, to seal the deal if kinn decides he wants this baby, but it would be stupid, because they aren’t even romantically involved, and having sex a second time wouldn’t fix anything.
well, it might make kinn happier, but it’s too messy in the long run.
the only problem is, right now, nothing ever makes kinn happy, and if there’s even the slightest chance porsche would want it in return… he wouldn’t hesitate. he’s so desperate to feel normal again, to want a reason to believe having a baby wouldn’t kill him mentally and emotionally. if porsche can offer that, is it such a bad thing?
he wants to find out, but he doesn’t know what to say. kinn breaks the eye contact with himself and walks over to porsche, pulling him in for a hug.
“everything okay?” porsche asks. kinn wonders if he’s naturally this caring, or if it’s an act to guide him in the general direction of keep our baby.
“no,” kinn decides to be honest, because he’s also tired of suddenly feeling the urge to cry when he doesn’t get what he wants, or when he lies about how he’s feeling to get people to stop worrying about him.
“come with me?”
porsche extends his hand, and kinn takes it, letting himself be led to the elevators. he’s confused as to where they’re going, but doesn’t bother asking, and porsche remains quiet the entire time.
someone stops them when they reach one of the doors that leads where the cars are kept, but kinn stares the poor guard down and they get through without any more trouble.
it’s only when porsche opens the car door for kinn and motions for him to get in that he really realizes they’re going to leave the compound.
“where are we going?” it’s not that kinn cares, but he doesn’t want anyone upstairs thinking he’s been kidnapped or ran away.
“it’s a surprise,” porsche laughs, and it’s so soft and sweet it makes kinn want to kiss him, “don’t worry, i promise it’s nothing bad. this is something else i used to do for chay, too.”
“okay.”
porsche drives for almost an hour, primarily from traffic, but he parks by a small bakery, adorned with a neon cupcake sign and windows filled with posters of what they sell. kinn forgets he needs to actually get out of the car until again, porsche is at his side, opening the door for him and grabbing his hand before they cross the street.
it feels weird, but it feels good, too.
the bakery seems much larger on the inside, the decorations are bright and happy and kinn briefly fears their kid would love a room like this, but he rejects the idea as quickly as it forms.
porsche is already looking at the assortment of display cakes, seemingly knowing what he wants as soon as he sees it, while kinn holds back and watches the bakers making fresh donuts and macarons. it’s oddly mesmerizing, watching their hands work what feels like magic, but in reality is something kinn would never be skilled enough to create. he doesn’t notice porsche is striking up a conversation with one of the bakers, talking as if they’re old friends, and then moving onto ordering what he wants, until he gently pulls kinn over and asks what he’s hungry for. kinn chooses a few cupcakes and donuts, some of the fresh ones, then asks if they have drinks. porsche laughs and gestures over to the corner where there’s a large refrigerator of bottled water and sodas, so kinn grabs two waters and sets them on the counter where the rest of their order is.
porsche talks to the baker a few minutes more before they leave, and he’s smiling the entire time, and it makes kinn feel a little dizzy. he feels like a clingy dog, far too concerned with being right there by porsche’s side, that he nearly forgets about the step between the sidewalk and the road. he catches himself before he can fall, and thankfully no one noticed, but kinn is subconsciously worried if he did fall, what would happen?
and then he scolds himself for worrying about something that shouldn’t even be considered a viable baby yet.
the drive back is quiet until kinn turns music on, not feeling up to talking but not wanting to drown in the silence any longer. porsche focuses on the road the entire time, humming along to every song like he knows them, but it’s obvious he’s never heard of any of them in his entire life. it’s endearing, in some ways, that porsche is trying to make kinn feel better, even if he doesn’t realize he’s doing anything at all.
they manage to make it back to kinn’s room without anyone stopping them again, only now porsche leads them into the dining room and takes everything from the bakery out, lining it up neatly on the table.
“okay, you sit down, i’ll be back in a moment,” porsche says, quickly leaving the room. kinn hears him leave entirely, so he’s all alone, looking at the cake porsche had chosen. the icing is yellow, with tiny little honeybees decorating the top, and it would be a lot cuter if kinn hadn’t suddenly remembered namphueng was porsche’s mother’s name.
it leads him to thinking how porsche would be as a parent— a real parent, not just an older brother forced to look after his younger brother, with little to no guidance through the years. for every scenario he’s imagined since learning of his pregnancy, kinn can only see porsche as a good father. he would probably be a little too good, spoiling their kid any chance he gets, maybe a bit overprotective, but everything he’d do is out of pure love.
but would that love find its way to kinn, too?
it’s stupid, he’s well aware, but if they’re going to have a baby together, wouldn’t it make sense for kinn to actually do something about the feelings he already had for porsche? before they slept together, they were on that pier, and they kissed until someone found them and said they were all going home. kinn wasn’t even done processing that when he was drugged, and he ended up extremely thankful that porsche happened to be set up by big when he was, because if he had gotten pregnant from the man who had intended on making it happen, abortion wouldn’t have been a question at all.
parents don’t need to be in love to have children, kinn knows that, but it would certainly help.
porsche comes back before kinn can entertain any more of his thoughts, though he was so distracted it took him a minute to realize that porsche had turned the tv on in the next room, some instrumental music playing low, and he’s changed out of his bodyguard uniform into casual clothes, holding a knife to cut the cake.
“did anything happen while i was gone?” he asks, smiling again.
“no,” kinn mumbles, eyes instantly meeting porsche’s. he looks genuinely happy, for some reason.
“i wanted to do something nice for you, because of everything going on, and i wanted to tell you that i’ll still be here, again, whenever you need me. i got you into this mess, i should be responsible for the consequences.”
“but you didn’t drug me.”
“right, but… you’ve been so depressed since you found out about it, and i know it’s my fault, because i was the one that slept with you.”
“i wanted you to fuck me, porsche. that was consensual.”
“you were drugged.”
“and? i was aware enough to know i wanted you. it’s not your fault, but i know you’re talking about the baby.”
“have you decided anything?”
truthfully, kinn still doesn’t know what to do. the only real reason he’s hesitating is he’s not sure he could handle the layers of dysphoria a pregnancy would give him. he would have a good support system in porsche, he’s sure of that, but porsche doesn’t personally know what it’s like.
and besides that, would porsche even want kinn when he looks like that? would he secretly want to make fun of him or shame him, like how he’s convinced others in the compound will?
kinn doesn’t know why porsche’s opinion is the only one that feels like it holds any level of importance.
“i don’t know what to do. i- i would love to have a kid, but… i don’t think i could handle it. i wouldn’t recognize myself anymore, i would feel like a fraud. pa would tell me he knew, he always knew i was doing it for attention. how could i prove him wrong when i have a baby inside of me?”
“i don’t know khun korn very well, but if he’s anything like uncle arthee, you’ll never get through to him. even if you get an abortion, you won’t be able to prove him wrong, i don’t think he’ll ever want to understand. if he’s never made the effort to before, he won’t in the future.”
“so you want me to accept that he’ll never care, and i can’t do anything to change that?”
“it hurts, but yes.”
“and if i… if we have this baby, will you still be here when it looks more noticeable and there’s no turning back?”
“of course i will be.”
porsche finally cuts the cake into slices, offering kinn one, and smiles so brightly it’s a little blinding. here’s someone kinn has only known for a little over a month, maybe two months, and has watched go from a reluctant brat to a person he somehow trusts more than most people in the compound. porsche is someone kinn thinks would be an amazing father, seeing how he raised porchay and how he’s already acting so gentle and kind without an actual baby to take care of yet.
after they’ve both eaten their slices of cake, kinn stares distantly at the wall. he’s thankful there’s no urge to immediately throw up what he’s eaten, but it does nothing to help him feel more energized. all he wants is to go back to sleep and wake up with all of the answers he needs, but such a thing is impossible, so he stays at the table and zones out.