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It was only a few minutes before the start of the entrance exam to To-Oh University and the young detective L was normally sitting at his desk, looking at the brown head of his main suspect, Light Yagami, who had not turned once in his direction, which was to be expected.
He had not yet assumed his typical sitting position, because first he wanted to see how the boy would act, thinking he was not being observed, and whether anyone would approach him. He intended to pull up his legs when the examination started, because that would certainly attract the attention of the professor, who would scold him. He had already calculated that by doing so he would have an 80% chance that Light would turn around, especially if he had something to worry about, because maybe he was afraid that someone would be on his steps to find out his dirty secret.
L, in the midst of the hundreds of students, stood out: not only was he not dressed a little more formally - he wore his big blue jeans and his white shirt -, but he hadn't even decided to fix the loose black hair on his head or apply a little make-up to look less 'ill', covering his two big dark circles under his eyes and giving himself a little more colour.
As much as he lived in anonymity, he did not put much effort into not being noticed. Perhaps he imagined he was a ghost, having spent so much time hidden from the world. It wasn't that he had never left the house, it wasn't that. It was the fact that he had not introduced himself to the world as himself, as an integral part of those relationships that constituted a society. He had always remained distant from it. He observed, with a certain melancholy, what he could not at all achieve as a simple L, an orphan boy, and told himself that he had no problem with that, that he got used to it, because he had spent many years in that state, without someone constant in his life, who was not Watari, suppressing that part of his mind that called him a liar.
At that moment, he also avoided looking around and seeing how what he had always secretly longed for was only a few metres away, but, of course, he was not entirely deaf, although sometimes, while absorbed in his work, he seemed to be. He could hear the giggles, the insignificant details of other people's lives and opinions about how difficult the exam would be. He could just hear, because he was not there to take part in it and, certainly, his input would not be appreciated.
He didn't feel capable of being liked, unless there was a screen dividing them and he wore the role of the great detective.
And, even if someone had an interest in him, platonic or romantic, there was no way to avoid the fact that, sooner or later, his work would come between them, because friends needed attention and to feel him close, things he couldn't promise if he was on the other side of the globe, fully committed to a case, like Kira's.
He had a rather simplistic view of what friendship was, since all the contacts he had made outside of cases, under an alias or without even inventing one, had lasted at most one interaction, as was the case with Naomi Misora. In that occasion, however, the blame was on Beyond Birthday, who had assumed his appearance. He could’ve certainly pretended to be his twin, but how many people in the FBI agent's position would have had a stable friendly relationship with him?
He couldn't even consider Aiber and Wendy his friends, because, for L to be a true friendship, it didn't have to follow other types of commitments that forced them to interact – school, work or whatever (which also excluded Misora). In fact, their interaction had started for cases’ related reasons and had continued with demands he had made on them.
It was all purely work-related and L, knowing that it would never blossom into anything else, had kept his distance, as he always did with everyone.
At the university, he imagined what could have been the beginning of a potential friendship, not counting his work, of course, and what came to mind was simply an exchange of glances, expressive in a positive way on the other's part, and a subsequent interest based only on that.
A simple "You're Hideki Ryuga, right?".
Without any mention of the institutional context or his school achievements, because he imagined himself getting the highest grade on that exam and did not want that to become an excuse to ask for his help in that area. He would, perhaps, have accepted the reference to the famous singer whose name he had taken, because it was inevitable.
It wasn't a complicated process, because L didn't have high expectations, but often everything fell apart at the first step, because the gaze of many was either hostile, for having his eyes on them, or indifferent.
If, on the other hand, everything continued for the better and a second interaction was reached (first from the verbal standpoint), this did not last, however, very long... But because of him.
He could not separate L – himself – from L – the world’s greatest detective –, even though several times he wanted to do so and that was what he did in private, when he had nothing to do and was alone. He let himself indulge in what L could not possibly feel in the eyes of the public: human emotions, because, for them, he was an investigative machine, not a person.
Their idea of him, unfortunately, no matter how much L lied to himself, had had some influence on the way he saw the 24-year-old he was. What a human being of his age - or any age, really - could freely experience, he no longer felt as something he had access to. He could not allow himself to feel sadder feelings, without some part of his mind telling him that 'that's not what L would do', followed by 'but who is L really?', to which he had no answer, because he did not know.
He had become a detective at a rather premature age and had lost the process of self-definition along the way because he was too busy being L. It was not to say that his personal characteristics, such as the way he dressed, sat, ate or generally acted, were not his own. It was something more intimate. It was the perception of what he could or could not do in his intimacy, whether or not he could feel certain things, whether or not he could hope that certain scenarios would come true, whether or not he could believe that his personal life would change in the way he so desired.
He did not regret having that job, but, perhaps, before taking on that responsibility, he would have paid more attention to his need to belong. He would have sought out that someone who could be a friend to him forever and, at the same time, who knew his identity as a detective – because it developed at the same time as their relationship – who understood, possibly, the presence of long periods without communication or care, which would not have changed anything in the dynamics they had cultivated.
Unfortunately, however, he had missed that opportunity, like any other that had presented to him to make some friends, and he lied to himself that it was fine, that humans were inherently cunning, and covered his eyes and ears when he found something to disprove his claim.
His attention was caught by a person who hurriedly passed in front of Light.
He followed you with his gaze, as you held a piece of paper in your hand and searched the room for something or someone. You walked back and forth between the desks, not once laying eyes on him, not that he expected it. You retraced your steps and stopped right in front of Light Yagami. You looked at the piece of paper once more and even your main suspect was watching you, because he too had followed your movements.
You placed the piece of paper on his desk, facing him, and immediately, L became alert, paying even more mind to your interaction. He couldn't, of course, read what was written on it; therefore, he could only speculate based on his assumption that he was Kira.
'I must see what's on it,' he said to himself, about to get up and walk past you.
He wasn't going to follow the course of the plan he had devised, but his real goal was only to be seen by Light that day and that was just a bonus, if he could identify tangible evidence to support his conjecture. Of course, Light could have disposed of it, but even just reading the engravings was enough to give him a head start and know which way to go.
He didn't have time to pull himself upright when Light pointed to the table parallel to his own, on the right side of the other block, divided by the safety space. You bowed slightly forward and thanked him. Of this, L was sure, for he had read your lips.
‘Do they know each other, at least? Even by sight?’ he wondered and answered himself rather quickly, when, after you had settled in your seat, you reached out towards him, shaking his right hand and introducing yourself.
‘[Your first name] [your surname]... They do not seem to have any affiliation to him. They just met, unless they are putting on a show, so as not to arouse suspicion,' thought the young detective. 'But why would they do that? Yagami did not see me.’
You laughed heartily at something the boy said, and even though you had known each other for not even a minute, you already seemed to be quite in sync, which troubled L a little... Because he had never experienced a kind of instant harmony with someone and thought it rather, if not rare, downright impossible. He told himself that you were both lying about something concerning yourselves, so that your personalities would be compatible, because otherwise he couldn't explain it.
‘Or did he do it and I didn't notice?’ he continued, as your conversation seemed to want no end. ‘I doubt it. I got to class before him, and he didn't look around much. Should I put someone to tail them and find out more? But if they're a mere civilian and the task force finds out, I risk diminishing their trust in me. Hoping they pass the test, I could be the one who...’
"Please, everyone, sit down," the professor said, interrupting L's train of thought.
It took him a long time to take his eyes off you, as he tried to get as many details of your appearance as he could, so that he could spot you at the university quickly, not realising that he was, in that way, building his own cross, which he would have a hard time getting rid of.
Once the exam had begun, L cast you another glance. He watched you as you were intent on marking with the pen the answer you thought was appropriate and, from what he could see, you seemed quite prepared. That was an important aspect to consider because it meant you being in front of the student hall at his side, which would have allowed him to get more information about you without looking too suspicious.
He wouldn't have accused you of being Kira, that was obvious, since he had no reason to believe you were, unless it was like a disease that Light could transmit with a handshake, which he doubted. He just needed to understand the true relationship between you and his prime suspect.
The plan he had put in place followed as he had anticipated: the professor reprimanded him, shortly after pulling up his legs, and Light Yagami turned to look at him. He did not look very happy to see him, although he had no reason to be or not to be. He considered that he might not like being interrupted in the middle of an exam session.
‘Is it ever possible that you have never found yourself in environments with distractions? I'm not the first, and I won't be the last, to receive reprimands, and your home could be a source of distraction, as your sister and Mrs Yagami regularly watch television at high volume while you study,’ he mused. ‘And, if you are Kira and you have publicly come into contact with Raye Panber, this should be nothing. So, why the hostile expression?’
That exchange of glances lasted relatively short. Light returned his attention to his paper. L apologised in a muffled voice, lowering his legs, and the professor returned to his seat, having told him that if he did it again, he would be kicked out.
L followed him with his gaze and it was then that he realised the one variable he had not foreseen: that suspicious person on the other side of the row, who had been behaving in the same manner as the boy, but still maintained eye contact.
Slowly, a small smile materialised on your face and you returned to your task.
‘Were they laughing at me?’ he wondered, watching as your eyes moved from the answer sheet to the question sheet, as your hand, which held the pen, coloured the dots you thought were right, as your leg moved up and down in agitation.
L looked at the pages in front of him, trying to ignore the strange feeling in the centre of his chest.
‘What if they are Light's accomplice and realised I am L?’
He began to quickly mark down the correct answers.
‘That would be a bit of a wild guess. There's nothing to signal that I am... What if...?’
He shook his head slightly, so as to chase that thought away, as if it were snow that had been resting on his hair and he wanted to prevent it from melting, ending up penetrating his scalp and entering his brain.
L was the first to finish his exam, but he waited for Light to leave the room first. He didn't want to risk missing another interaction between the two of you, perhaps in the corridor, because he still wasn't sure what you had written on that little piece of paper you showed him, although he had begun to assume it was the number of the seat you were supposed to sit at.
He stood up and started walking towards the desk.
Without paying much attention to what was around you, you pulled yourself up as well, almost bumping into him. L managed to narrowly dodge you and stop in time. You didn't even turn around to apologise to him, too busy reaching the supervisor, greeting him with a half bow and rushing out the door.
‘Are they going after Light?’
After handing in the exam and texting Watari, he followed you at a safe distance, though he found it a little difficult, as you were quite fast. Outside the building and on the stairs, he spotted you as you actually ran after Light. You put your hand on his shoulder to stop him and he seemed rather surprised, but not entirely displeased.
You pulled out your mobile phone and handed it to him. Light started pressing the keys and handed it back to you.
'They're exchanging phone numbers. Why? Do they really not know each other or... Is this all an act?’
Were you really pretending not to know him? But you didn't even seem to be aware that he was watching you or had followed you.
He had no reason to believe that, because if the two of you had been colluding, it would have been more appropriate to keep that interaction as brief and insignificant as possible and put it off until a later time when you would meet.
He considered it strange, however, that you had asked him for his number when you weren't even sure if you were going to join the university, or perhaps you had done so for that reason? Were you interested in Light in a romantic way? Already? It was pretty crazy. Maybe you wanted him to be your friend? But for what reason? What had Light shown in those few minutes that had led you to rule that he might be good company?
Had you perhaps had that thing L had heard somewhere...?
'An understanding? Was that laughter you had due to that? What was it about Light that made you have it with him? And I still do not understand... What was that smile?’
He could not answer himself. You just confused him, and it was only because he had no information about you. A small part of him had this impulse to ask Watari to do some research on you, but that other, slightly more rational part of him realised that he had no reason to actually do it, because you hadn't actually been acting suspiciously, and he didn't even want to risk pulling you into a case that didn't belong to you.
He watched you leave, at Light's side, and began to walk down the steps, hands in his pockets and back hunched, trying to put what irrelevant things had happened out of his mind, even though he felt a strange feeling at calling your non-verbal one-sided interaction in such a way.
When he exited the university courtyard, Watari was waiting for him at the side of the pavement, in front of his limousine, parked a few metres away on the right. The elderly gentleman waved and opened the door for him to get in. L sat down in his usual position.
"How did the exam go?" he asked him, after he had settled himself behind the wheel.
L gave him a confused look.
Sometimes, Watari still behaved as if he were that orphan boy just out of Wammy's House who had to face the adult world at the age of 13, without realising that he was no longer one. However, he did not know whether the questions he asked about things he had never experienced, but which were to be considered usual for people of his age, even if unimportant in that context, bothered him or not.
The old man had been the only adult who had always been there and who had always taken care of him, even when he had gone through that typical teenage phase of rebellion, despite the fact that, in his case, it was all about complaining about the sweets he bought him or didn't and making various messes in the apartments in which they resided... More than usual, that is.
"What's the next question? If I have made friends?" L rebutted sarcastically.
"I'm saving that one for the first day." Watari smiled slightly, meeting the young adult's gaze in the rear-view mirror and shifting into gear.
L, however, on the first proper day of university, he did not make a better impression: he could not find people to bring to his house and introduce to Watari as his buddies.
Towards the end of the ceremony, he was called by the headmaster and got up with Light to read the message of opening address to the students. He was not surprised to have to share that podium with the boy, since Soichiro had warned him that Light had entered with a perfect score, like his own after all.
However, it did make him wonder what grade that person who had continued to wander his mental pathways from time to time had gotten, not because he really cared if you got a high grade or not. It was simple curiosity, which he could not satisfy, though, because he could not ask for several reasons.
First of all, he was there for a specific reason: to reveal himself to Light as L. He couldn't devote himself to side missions, as it was vital to the case that everything went smoothly.
Secondly, the moment he noticed you in the mass of people wasn't the most ideal, since he was standing in front of everyone, at the end of his speech, waiting for them to finish applauding, while Light bowed and he scratched the back of his head, still trying to get that invisible but perceptible snow off.
You had barely stopped yourself from clapping, but as soon as you noticed his gaze focused on you, you decided to dedicate three claps just for him, smiling slightly.
‘Are they being sarcastic?’ he asked himself.
He had no time to look for information to confirm or refute this, because he had to get off stage and put his plan into action. He explained to Light who he was and what he had come there to do, then sat down again at his side to watch the conclusion of that long ceremony. He had no chance to turn towards you, let alone ask you why you had smiled at him again, so once again you had to remain that variable that he could not make irrelevant in any way in his mind.
He tried to put you in one of the many mental drawers that existed there, but you always found a way out, because he didn't have the strength to set aside something he didn't understand and kept chasing you... With his gaze.
The next day he noticed that you were in two of his classes. You hadn't seen him, because he sat at the back of the full lecture room, while you were in the middle and had never turned around to see who was behind you. You seemed to be a fairly diligent student: you took notes and exchanged a few words with those around you. He wasn't sure if you were friends or not, because they were in one of your shared classes and not the other, but it would have seemed strange to him if you really were.
‘Or maybe they entered the university with a set of friends?’ he had begun to speculate, having nothing else to do.
The lesson was interesting, but easy for him to understand. He only had to take a quick glance at the book to understand the subject and, honestly, he found it much more interesting to play the Sherlock Holmes of the situation and assume who that individual who had smiled and clapped for him was.
‘That does not explain why they asked Light for his number. Don't you have enough friends? How many people can you simultaneously pay heed to?’
He answered himself with 'definitely, at least two', when he spotted you in the crowd that had gathered around the tennis court on Wednesday, after the match was over.
It wasn't that he had set out to inspect every person, looking for your face, but as the crowd was gathering around them, it had occurred to him to wonder if you were there. The thought hadn't even lasted a second, as he had to focus his attention on Light's behaviour and attitude. However, already the fact that he was wondering what you were doing or where you were was starting to irritate him.
'Maybe, my brain still unconsciously connects them to the case', he thus tried to justify his unfounded and spontaneous interest in you.
Unlike the day before, you weren't talking to anyone, but you were definitely lending an ear to the chatter of the various students.
And, for the umpteenth time, when your eyes met, you smiled at him.
‘Why are they happy that I lost?’ he wondered, shifting his attention to Light, trying to see where his gaze was resting, if perhaps it was on you, but it wasn't.
Light was looking away.
‘Is he avoiding them on purpose?’
He invited him to retreat to a more secluded spot to discuss Kira and his suspicions about him.
‘Or maybe I'm the one unconsciously wanting to drag them into the case? But why would I want to do that?’
He didn't know, and no matter how many times he searched for you with his gaze and chased you with his eyes, when he found you, whether you were in class with him or out in the courtyard, he couldn't find an answer. You seemed like a magnet from which he could not escape, neither using logic nor the physical. When he wasn't physically around you, his mind definitely found a way to reach you, and when he was behind you, he couldn't counter this attraction he had towards you.
It bothered him. He had never felt that way before and the more he tried to ignore you, the more you appeared everywhere: he would cross the threshold of a classroom and there you were, sitting at your desk; he would look out the window and see you in the garden or, if you were with him there, in the reflection of the glass; he would go to the cafeteria to get something and you would surely be somewhere there, either in line or sitting and eating on your own.
He'd had the urge to sit at the same table as you and start a conversation with you, only to officially decree that you had nothing to do with Light, other than a superficial and mainly telematic acquaintance, since he hadn't seen you two together very often, but there was always the fact that he didn't have enough evidence to corner you if you were his accomplice, and it was better not to risk it.
He had to either wait for his brain to realise that you were nothing more than a student or for some suspicious behaviour coming from you.
And, apparently, you made your choice on 16th April 2004, when you decided to sit one step lower than L on the big staircase in front of the university.
L noticed you immediately but continued pretending to be immersed in his book. It was the first time he was so close to you that he would only have to stretch a leg to reach your arm. He did not do that, but it was doable.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that you were going back and forth between different chats on a messaging app, but you were not replying to anyone, because there was actually no one to send anything to. He considered the idea that your phone was on silent, but he could perfectly see that you only had a couple of messages received and they were mainly from relatives. There was no 'Light Yagami' among them, nor any other recent chats from your classmates. There was always the possibility that you would delete everything once the conversation was over, but given the obsessive way you kept going in and out of the app and checking the network, which was working perfectly, it was clear that you simply weren't getting any messages.
‘If they were Light's accomplice, they would have at least tried to pretend to communicate with him normally, but they just don't seem to talk to each other outside of this environment.’
He returned to his reading, finally confident that he understood your position.
If you had wanted to deceive him, you would have tried to justify why you had asked him for his number so publicly, especially if you were awfully close to Light and he had told you he was L, but you weren't. You seemed genuinely hurt by not receiving a single notification, although you were trying not to give it much away, avoiding utterances of defeat or the like.
Moreover, Light had not uttered your name once. If he wanted to justify being caught in your company in the future, he should have already built the foundations back then, so that everything wouldn't look suspicious, but you didn't even seem to exist in his imagination, after your shared classes, where L wasn't even sure if you interacted, since he wasn't present.
"You're Hideki Ryuga, right?" you said suddenly, turning towards him.
L lowered the book slowly, so he could look at your face.
You had that smile on your lips that arose every time your eyes met, and at that exact moment, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together perfectly. He realised what your attitude towards him meant.
There was nothing sarcastic or malicious in your actions of the previous days. You did not know it was L and you weren't even Light's accomplice.
"I am [your first name] [your surname]," you continued, moving the jacket you had from one arm to the other and extending your right hand towards him.
Everything was so clear to him and, honestly, he thought he was stupid for looking in a mirror and not seeing his reflection.
After all, in the entrance exam you had had to ask a stranger for help to find your seat and not someone you knew, which led him to believe that you didn't even have anyone outside the university to help you, otherwise he would have told you how the rows were arranged.
Maybe it was the fact that you didn't seem to have stopped trying, despite the various rejections you had received, among which were also his, though not voluntary or explicit. You continued to possess that hope that L had now lost and didn't even try to get back, because he had abandoned himself to the idea that it was all futile for him.
"Yes, nice to meet you." He squeezed your hand and your smile widened.
"You have the name of a famous singer, do you know that?" you told him and L nodded. "Imagine if you had to become a famous tennis player."
You giggled, but L could not share the serenity you were feeling. Strangely, it hurt him that you had apparently again decided to put your trust in people who were unavailable for such a position.
‘Don't do that to yourself, [your first name].’
"I lost," he reminded you.
"It doesn't matter. You were still a beast. You should join the tennis club."
"Group work is not for me," he said, also attempting to dissuade you from continuing that conversation, but it was all to no avail.
You handed him the phone.
"And... What about duos? Do you think they might be for you?" you asked him.
L looked at you in silence for a few seconds, so long that it seemed to lead you to withdraw the offer, but, at the last, the young man grabbed the phone.
‘Why am I doing this?’ He asked himself as he kept pressing the keys, physically unable to stop.
He knew how it was all going to end, because there was no alternative to the life he had decided to take, but, deep in his mind and heart, he still continued to yearn for a friend and, as much as it pained him to admit it, you had fulfilled all the requirements to become one.
"Here." He handed you the device and could swear he'd never seen a person so happy interacting with him as his mere self and not the world's best detective. "You know we have classes together, right?"
"Oh, really?" you spoke. "I haven't noticed you."
"I have."
And, for the first time since that 5th of April, he decided to return your smile, suppressing that nagging feeling in the middle of his chest that led him to already feel a sense of defeat at the idea that he would lose a possible friend and guilt that he would have to disappear from your life, sooner or later, and be one of the other people who didn't text you... More sooner than later, since the next day another danger would appear in his life, which would lead him to barricade himself in his apartment.