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It’s been a while since they spoke. Not a long while, it’s really only been less than a week, really, but it feels like it’s been years. Kaoru wonders if this is how it’ll feel like when Kojiro is actually gone, out of country and in Italy. Where their texts are sparse and phone calls sparser. Where the only times Kaoru could see Kojiro is in his dreams and in their pictures.
He wonders of Kojiro would forget about him in Italy. There’s so many beautiful people there; people better than Kaoru. Prettier than Kaoru. With kinder personalities than Kaoru. Kojiro is… well Kojiro. Kind, handsome, charming, funny, charismatic, strong - really everything Kaoru isn’t. He could easily find someone new, someone who isn’t always yelling at him and fighting with him. Someone who will worship him like he deserves, love him like he needs.
Kaoru is going to get replaced.
The thought sent a thrum of pain through his chest, feeling like a snake constricting around his heart and squeezing until it’s about to burst. It hurt. It hurt in a way that felt more physical than emotional. It felt as if Adam pushed him from his skateboard and got pierced his chest with a hot knife. It made him want to cry, to run away and hide beneath his bed - away from the world and the emotions that are drowning him. If he wasn’t so in love with Kojiro, he’d wish he never met the man to avoid this pain.
But he was in love with Kojiro He’s been in love with Kojiro for so long it feels as natural as the sun rising or the moon falling. It’s such a normal part of his life that he hardly gives it a passing thought anymore. Every day with Kojiro feels like a gift from god. Then there are the days that something deep in his mind is able to convince him that Kojiro feels the same way, that their little dinners and their late nights skating are really dates. That on their way home they’ll be able to hold hands and smile, fight, kiss. Those fantasies never do leave his mind, but he never acts on them. He’s learned to be content with watching Kojiro flirt with random ladies, so long as he always come back to him. He’s never not come back to Kaoru.
It’s fine. It has to be fine.
It isn’t fine.
Not when Kojiro is leaving. Not when he won’t see Kojiro for who knows how many years. Not when he’s going to lose the one person who has stuck with him longer than anyone else - has put up with his insecurities and anxieties and drama. He can’t… he can’t lose Kojiro. He can’t -
His breath comes fast, much too fast to be considered healthy, and he felt his chest burn. It felt like fog filled his head, making it impossible to chase a thought. The world felt like it was tilting, and he needed - he needed -
He needed Kojiro.
He always knew he needed Kojiro, he just didn’t understand how much. Not until he was about to lose him. He needs him to not leave. He needs him to hold Kaoru when his anxiety is taking over. He needs Kojiro to be a shoulder to cry on. He needs Kojiro to skate with him and make fun of him and tease him and… and to love him. Platonically, romantically, it doesn’t matter. It’s just, he needs Kojiro in his life. To love, to pine for, to laugh with and to be friends with. He needs Kojiro in his life like he needs food, something to savor and devour. Something to keep him alive and happy - thriving.
He needs to go to Kojiro.
He raced out the door, dropping his skateboard and taking off towards his friends place. Kaoru didn’t even realize he never put on his socks, or his jacket. He hardly felt the spring rain, numb as he was from the fear gripping his heart and ice racing through his veins. He felt like he was skating through molasses, slow and sluggish, but the world still passed too fast, car horns blasting as they swerved around him. Reckless, desperate, he finally made it to Kojiro’s house. He jumped from his board, ignoring the way it flipped in his haste. Slamming his fists upon the door, he cried out for his friend. He cried out for his love. He cried out for his soul.
“Kojiro! Kojiro! Please open up!” The door swung open without warning, sending Kaoru stumbling into the entryway.
Kojiro stood there wide eyed, looking between the heavy downpour and his friend before shutting the door quickly, “What the hell?” His jacket was on, slippers off and a bouquet of roses in his hand, as if he was getting ready to leave. Kaoru’s heart clenched. Did Kojiro have a date tonight? Was he finding yet another person to replace Kaoru with?
Wet, dripping, cold and shivering - Kaoru didn’t care. He flung himself at Kojiro, ignoring the flowers as they drop to the floor and gripping his friend in a tight embrace, refusing to let go, “You can’t leave! Or I’ll come with you. Please, you just can’t leave me.”
“Leave you? Kaoru, what are you talking about? I have to leave, I can’t give up this opportunity,” They’ve talked about this. Kojiro knows they’ve talked about this… sort of. Kaoru seemed to have been pulling away recently. He’s been turning away from touches, slow to respond to texts, and skipping out on their weekly dinners. Kojiro figured he needed space, understanding the anxiety being apart could cause, but he wanted to fix whatever was going on before leaving. He wanted to make sure what they had wouldn’t fracture while he was in Italy. He wanted to make sure they would be together. Always. Even a thousand miles apart, they’ll still always be together, “Kaoru, even in Italy I’ll be with you. On the phone, over Skype, in your heart. I’ll always be here, with you.”
“No! No, you won’t!” Kaoru clung tighter, burying his face in Kojiro’s chest, “You’ll forget me. You’ll leave me and find better friends who aren’t as dramatic and draining and tiring. You’ll be happier, without me, and I want you happy, but I also want to be selfish and have you.”
“Oh Kaoru,” Kojiro finally wrapped his arms around his friend, holding him just as tight. He held Kaoru like he’d fall apart without the warmth of Kojiro’s grip, “Kaoru, I told you: don’t listen to what anyone else says. Only listen to me. You aren’t tiring. You aren’t draining. You make me happy, and that’s all that matters. Ok?” Kojiro hates the people who have plagued Kaoru’s mind with lies and anxiety. He hates the people who have hurt him and made him feel like nothing. He hates Adam, and Kaoru’s parents, and all the bullies who laughed at him and taunted him. He hates so many people, but not Kaoru. He loves Kaoru.
Kojiro softly placed his lips on Kaoru’s forehead, “Come on, you’re wet and shivering. Let’s get you dry and then talk, ok? Because we need to figure this out.”
Kojiro led Kaoru to his bedroom, pulling out his softest sweats and a towel before sitting Kaoru on his bed. Gently, he pulled off Kaoru’s shirt and pants, kneeling before the other man before softly drying him off with the towel. Kojiro made sure to keep every brush against his friend’s skin tender, ensuring there’s never a course feel again Kaoru’s body. If Kojiro lingered in his touch, he’s the only one who knew. With a breath, he finished drying off his friend before he dressed Kaoru in his sweats, “Better?”
Kaoru was pliant and willing through it all, savoring the care Kojiro placed over his body and he knew, in this moment, that if Heaven said the only way to reach divinity was to let go of Kojiro he’d storm his way into hell to stay by his friends side. To keep the gentle touches and the care. To keep his focus and his love. To keep Kojiro.
“Yeah,” his voice came out like a croak, throat dry with Kojiro at his feet, “I want to go to Italy with you.”
“Kaoru,” Kojiro let out a breath, pushing himself up so he could sit beside Kaoru and pull him close, “You know that’s not possible.”
“But if I’m with you, you can’t leave me.”
Kojiro huffed a laugh, “I mean, you make a good point, but I’m not leaving you. I’m coming back, to you,” for you, “And you won’t ever be able to get rid of me. Like, ever,” He kisses Kaoru’s forehead, “So, relax. Ok? You need to stay here for that calligraphy stuff, and I’ll come back once I become a real chef. And when I’m back I’ll open a restaurant, so when you’re rich and famous I can feed you the best damn food you’ll ever eat at an outrageous price. Is that a deal?”
There was a beat of silence, of Kaoru breathing against Kojiro’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, before he nodded, “I’ll pay for the food, but you’re not allowed to charge me for wine.”
With a laugh, Kojiro nodded, “Ok, fine. Deal. But you’ll only ever get cheap wine. Got it?”
Cheap wine, laughter, and good food. It sounds perfect to Kaoru. A perfect life. They’ll eat dinner, and then they’ll go home, together. Get in bed, together, and Kojiro will hold him just like this: cuddled. Kojiro will wrap him in his arms and keep him close, and he’ll allow Kaoru to match his breathing with the beat of Kojiro’s heart so he can easily fall asleep. They’ll wake up, together, bad morning breath doing nothing to deter soft morning kisses. Kojiro will cook them breakfast, and Kaoru will set the table. They’ll eat in silence, because they don’t have to talk to be happy. They can simply enjoy each other’s company. Enjoy being in one another’s presence, without a word to break the air.
Kaoru will get ready to go to work, but Kojiro will lounge a little longer because his restaurant doesn’t open till lunch. With a goodbye kiss, Kojiro will see Kaoru off before he starts his work out to keep that ridiculous gorilla body. Kaoru… doesn’t think he’s fine with just being friends anymore.
Kaoru sat up, and before he could let his nerves get the best of him, he leaned forward and smashed his lips into Kojiro’s. Kojiro, who has kissed many before, wouldn’t have necessarily called it a kiss. It was too aggressive, too sloppy with too many teeth to be considered a kiss… and it was clear Kaoru had no clue what he was doing, but it was nice. It was exactly what Kojiro wanted, sort of. He pulled back just slightly, tangling his hand in Kaoru’s hair to keep him in place, “Calm down, there’s no need to split a lip,” with that he leaned back in, controlling the kiss this time. No teeth, no blood. Chaste. He didn’t want to overwhelm Kaoru - not yet.
It was a soft kiss, probably the softest kiss he’s had since he first learned how to kiss. No tongue, just the smooth glide of lips, passion, and Kaoru’s hitched breath as he tried his best to follow Kojiro’s lead. Kojiro pulled away with a smile, “Better?”
Kaoru nodded, “Yeah,” he let out a breath, slowly blinking his eyes open as he gazed up to his best friend. His eyes were sparkling, wet, emotions cascading through him like a tsunami, “Does this mean you like me too?”
“Obviously, Kaoru. I like you a lot. Too much, probably,” He smiled, leaning in one last time to peck Kaoru’s lips, “For too long. I just didn’t think you’d return the feelings.”
“Why would you think that?”
Adam, but he won’t say it. He won’t bring up that emotional rollercoaster with a ten foot pole. They’re past him, now. They’ve moved on, mostly, from his hurt and pain and abandonment. They’ve healed enough to move on, to shed no more tears on his memory. It’s good. So there’s no reason to go back.
Instead, Kojiro simply shrugged, “I didn’t get the vibes you were flirting.”
“I tried not too,” Kaoru’s gaze shifted to the floor, “I was scared of you rejecting me.”
“You fear me leaving you, Kaoru, but when have I ever gave you the thought that I’d ever let you go?” He was truly curious. If he ever did, if he ever did give his friend the thought he may leave him, or abandon him, he needs to fix that.
Kaoru tried to look away fully, but Kojiro’s grip on his hair kept him in place. Kojiro smirked at Kaoru’s frown, “You didn’t. I just… it was my anxiety.”
“Then you did the right thing, coming here to me. Allowing me to remind you how your anxiety is a stupid liar. Because it’s lying. I’ll follow you wherever you go, and I’ll always come back to you no matter what. Always.”
One last kiss, soft. Gentle. Kojiro only hoped it portrayed everything he wanted it too. His love, his passion, his devotion, “Want to stay the night?”
“Like… sex?”
“No, just sleeping. Cuddling.”
Kaoru did his best to nod, “Then, yeah. Please, yes. I’d like to do that.”
“Good.”
Kojiro smiled, grabbing Kaoru’s waist and pulling him into the bed. He throws the covers over them both before manhandling Kaoru until they’re comfy, Kojiro spooning his friend. Boyfriend? Boyfriend.
“Goodnight, Kaoru.”
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