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„So how’s Vickie?”
Robin shrugged and turned up the volume. On the screen, Ripley was being her usual smart self – and the most sensible person on the ship. The should have all listened to her – then all the trouble with the eighth passenger would have been avoided. “Fine, I guess.”
“Fine?”
“A-ha.”
“Just fine.”
“I guess.”
Steve’s dishevelled head entered her field of vision, completely blocked the TV screen.
“Why are you so laconic? You are never this laconic – unless something is wrong.”
“Move,” Robin put her hand on Steve’s forehead and pushed. She had half a mind to comment on his vocabulary but decided to let it go. “I’m watching that.”
“You know that movie by heart.”
“So?”
Steve graciously allowed himself to be pushed away and onto the carpet; but not before making use of his agility to snatch the remote from Robin’s lap and clicking the pause button. He had the unfair advantage of being on his home turf and utilized it ruthlessly.
“No more avoidance. What’s going on? It’s been two months since you two started seeing each other. Why there is no getting laid happening?”
“How do you know that it’s not happening?” There was some getting laid happening, although Vickie wasn’t usually enthusiastic about reciprocation. Which wasn’t a big deal. Robin liked making the other girl feel good. She just wished, sometimes–
“You wouldn’t be so glum if you were getting some.”
Robin groaned. “Gross, Steve.”
“But true!”
“My happiness depends on more than simple joys of the flesh,” she scoffed. Reluctantly, she allowed herself to be honest. “But fine, I’m not okay. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that this thing with Vickie has no future.”
“Oh?” Steve sat straighter and leaned against the couch next to Robin’s legs. He had his serious face on, his working-mother-of-six frown.
“For one thing, we’re too similar. I feel like she gets me, she’s weird in a similar way... But I don’t want to date a mini-me, you know?”
“Sure.”
“And,” Robin swallowed hard, forced the words out. “I don’t think she’s serious about me.”
“Not serious as in not over her boyfriend, not ready for a relationship...”
“Not into me.”
Steve made an outraged face.
“Bullshit. Only somebody deaf and blind wouldn’t be into you.”
“Or somebody straight.”
Steve made a confused face. “Wait. You two kissed. Multiple times. You told me that yourself.”
Robin closed her eyes, remembered the soft touch of Vickie’s lips, the hesitant way in which the other girl caressed her hair. How she whispered you make me feel so good and do this again and–
“She wants... something nice. To feel safe and taken care of after the earthquake and her boyfriend’s disappearance. Anyone would do.”
“Dump her ass.” Steve climbed back onto the couch and pushed the remote into Robin’s palms. “You don’t deserve to be anyone’s second option. No matter how nice her boobs are.”
Robin restarted the movie. “Wow, you have such a way with words.”
“I love you too.”
Robin took his hand and squeezed. She was glad to have him in her life.
“You’re just waiting for the white tank top, aren’t you?”
“I’m waiting to see the rightful win of the common sense!”
“And the white tank top.”
“Yeah,” admitted Robin, defeated. “It’s that kind of day.”
#
Once she started seeing the fractures in her relationship with Vickie, she couldn’t seem to stop talking about them.
“We are only seeing each other when she wants to meet,” Robin complained and banged her palm on the cash register. She was supposed to count the money before locking up for the night but the machine was not cooperating. “I have to make time for her and she gets mean when I don’t. But she never comes when I call.”
“End it, Rob. It’s not worth it.”
“I know! But what if she just needs some more time to figure herself out?”
Or what if I never meet someone like her again?
Someone like me?
Steve hip-checked her and leaned over the cash register himself. “You’re seeing her today, right? Tell her how you feel. It will be like ripping off the band-aid.”
“I’m not seeing her today. Why would you think that?”
Steve made a vague gesture with his hands and settled on, “You look nicer than usual.”
“Do I?” Robin looked down at herself. Her plaid shirt was ironed and the jeans she picked made her legs look good. Well, maybe she made a bit more effort.
“Is it for me? Are you trying to seduce me?” Steve looked absolutely delighted. “I’m flattered.”
“Oh, shut up. Nancy is coming to Hawkins for the weekend. We’re going to some art exhibition. She needs to see it for her classes.”
Steve put both hands on the cash register and looked at her expectantly. “You and Nance, huh.”
“Pull your mind out of the gutter.”
“Too late!”
Robin punched him in the arm and wished he was right in his assumptions. Because after the showdown with Vecna something did change between her and Nancy. Near death experiences were famous for turning even the most unlikely of people into friends; it was less common for those relationships to withstand the banality of everyday life.
And yet, even after Nancy went to the Emerson College, she kept calling Robin every week. Sometimes they only had time for short exchange of news, other times they spent long minutes talking about everything from space travel to the latest songs stuck in their heads. Nancy was a really good listener – but when it came to topics she was passionate about, she had a hilarious tendency to preach. The phone bills might bankrupt them one day.
But today, they would see each other for the first time since summer.
“Are there no art exhibitions in Boston?” investigated Steve. “Why does she need to come here?”
“You can ask her yourself. She will pick me up after the end of my shift.”
“So– soonish.”
“Yeah. Soonish.”
“Very soonish.”
“What are you–”
Doorbell chimed. Nancy entered the movie rental.
And she looked beautiful.
“Hi, guys! I hope I'm not interrupting anything,” she said and made a few hesitant steps towards the counter. Dressed in that long gray overcoat, she could have been easily mistaken for a movie star. “I know I'm early. The traffic was uncharacteristically unproblematic.”
“No problem, Nance.” Steve smiled at her and redirected his attention to the cash register. “It's a slow day, really.”
“Typical Thursday?”
“Yeah.”
They were cordial with each other – friendly, but more distant than they used to be. Experience with Vecna changed them, too. Steve seemed to finally let something go – he no longer looked at Nancy with sad longing. Even though he knew she was no longer with Jonathan.
We tried at the wrong time, he tried to explain it to Robin once. Nothing more tragic than meeting the right person at the wrong time in one’s life.
Robin felt sorry for him. But she was also selfishly glad it all turned out that way. She'd never become friends with this version of Steve otherwise.
“You ready?” Nancy looked at her expectantly. Her lovely eyes were accentuated with black kohl and she wore red lipstick.
Robin felt warmth creeping under her collar. She hoped to God she wasn't blushing.
“One moment! I just need to help Steve– with– ugh, this machine–”
“No, no!” Steve made an expressive gesture with his hands.“I can totally handle it! On my own! You two go ahead and have fun.”
“You heard the man, Robin. Let's go!”
Robin gratefully patted Steve on the back and manoeuvred around him to grab her backpack from underneath the counter.
“See you on Monday, dingus! Have fun on your strategy session!”
“It's not a strategy session. Eddie will just spread his papers all over my floor and loudly complain about my lack of imagination.”
Robin laughed. Nancy held the door for her as they exited the store.
#
Nancy drove and Robin felt slightly bad about the fact.
“You should rest,” she said, troubled. “You spent the last, what, three or four hours on the plane? And now you have to stay focused to get us to the exhibition in one piece.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. I should get the license just to make your life easier.”
“You'd hate driving,” Nancy smiled kindly to make it clear the comment was not intended as a criticism. She was well aware Robin needed clear social cues to get a good read on the situation. “And I really don't mind. I'm glad you agreed to come with me.”
“What's so special about that art show anyway?” Robin opened up the glove box and rummaged through the cassettes. “Not that I'm complaining but you sure travelled a long way to see it.”
“Calling it an art show might be a bit of an exaggeration,” admitted Nance. “It's a small exhibition put together by my roommate's girlfriend. She's showing off her own works with contributions from some of their friends.”
Robin picked up the cassette with Peter Gabriel scribbled on the cover with blue marker. “Oh. Why did you find it so interesting?”
“I’m writing an article about personal narratives in art. I didn’t want to use some historical examples like most of my class planned to do. I wanted something more... alive,” Nance pressed down on the accelerator and overtook the green car in front of them. “I've seen little copies of some of Leah's photos and they just... moved me, you know? I want to see them in person.”
Slow, enthralling melody filled the car.
“They must be one hell of the photos if they motivated you to travel that many miles.”
In this proud land we grew up strong, we were wanted all along, Peter Gabriel sang.
Nancy smiled, but kept looking at the road. “I didn't come here just because of them.”
Don't give up, ‘cause somewhere there's a place where we belong.
#
The exhibition was held in the basement of a local gym – which belonged, as it turned out later, to the brother of one of the artists.
At first, the selection and arrangement of the works seemed, at least to Robin, entirely random and chaotic – large photographs intermingled with acrylic paintings and miniature sketches made with charcoal. Women in frilly white shirts billowing in the wind, women in jean jackets, women in ugly woollen sweaters. Women with faces obscured by the colourful bursts of light. Empty rooms, empty sidewalks. Empty hands reaching out into space, towards the viewers.
A picture of a bed, with sheets mused like somebody just woke up and a black dress hanging from the edge of the mattress.
Longing, thought Robin as they slowly walked through the brightly lit basement. This was the common factor. Even the photos in which the subject was visible were saturated with a sense of something precious being just out of reach.
Apart from the last picture of the exhibition; a young woman in Emerson College’s t-shirt making sand castles by the sea. Her face was scrunched in laughter, like she was amused by the person hidden behind the lens.
“That's my roommate,” said quietly Nancy.
“Last summer,” added tall blond girl who suddenly appeared next to them. “We burned to a crisp.”
“Leah, right?” asked Nancy and shook the other girl's hand. “It's nice to meet you in person.”
“Likewise. How do you like our little exhibition?”
“I like how it ends,” interrupted Robin. She was breathless, uncaring that Nance heard her, uncaring for what the other girl might think.
“Thank you–”
“Robin, my name is Robin.”
“Robin,” Leah replied. Something knowing flickered in her eyes. Some unspoken recognition, an acknowledgement. “I wanted to show that things eventually fall into place.”
“That's... a lovely sentiment.”
“I believe that this is how life works. Thank you both for coming,” she waved to somebody in the back and turned towards Nancy. “Tell Jo I miss her, and that I'll visit next month.”
“She already warned me about it. Don’t worry about the hotel, we'll be glad to hide you in our dorm for the night.”
“I appreciate that,” Leah smiled and offered Robin her hand. “Only my closest friends were invited today. Nancy vouched for you, and I’m glad that you came.”
“Yeah, I’m glad, too.”
Leah’s grip was warm and sure; the dark line of the tattoo peeked out from under her sleeve.
“Take care of yourself, Robin.”
“You too.”
#
Ride back to Hawkins was quiet – a good kind of quiet. Robin kept replaying Leah's words, tell Jo I miss her, and that I'll visit next month, kept getting stuck on Nancy's easy acceptance.
She'd always known, of course, that there were other people like her in the world. There was a word for it, for them, for women loving other women. And that word proved their existence. Robin, despite what some people claimed, wasn't some freak of nature. She was allowed to dream about leading a life true to herself and of finding happiness and acceptance. Even though, more often than not, the very idea felt preposterous. Too scandalous. Too dangerous. And yet–
She was not alone.
She was not alone.
“Thank you,” she said, her voice heavy with emotion. “For taking me on this trip.”
“You're very welcome.”
#
They met again on Saturday and drove to the lake. The day wasn't warm enough for sunbathing but the proximity of water was a welcome change in the daily routine.
“I think I 'd like to live by the water, one day,” admitted Robin. They spread their blanket on a patch of grass so close to the lake they could smell seaweed. Three older men were fishing on the other shore.
“Lake or the ocean?” Nancy passed her a cup of warm, fragrant tea she just poured from the thermos.
“I've never seen the ocean,” Robin admitted. “I heard it's magnificent.”
“We could go, sometime. Once I'm finished with college, I'll get a job and put aside some money.”
“And that's what you'd like to use this hard earned money for? For travelling the world with me?”
“Yes,” Nance said simply.
Robin's heart skipped a bit. She felt hot all over, she didn't know what to do with her hands once she passed the cup back to Nancy.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No! I just– really like this idea.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
Nancy brought out another blanket from their wicker basket and draped it over their shoulders.
“Wind is cold,” she explained. They huddled closer together and talked.
And talked.
And talked.
Fishermen patiently sat by the water.
#
There was a note by the phone when Robin finally came home in the evening.
Vickie called. She wants to talk about your science project. Please, DO NOT waste time on frolicking through the town when you have school work.
Robin did not have school work. But it would be hard to explain that science project was a code for groping each other in the dimmed backseat of Vickie's car.
After such a nice and peaceful day, she was in no mood to confront the other girl's expectations.
But maybe she was too cruel, too demanding. Maybe Vickie was honest in her affection and just needed time to figure herself out, to figure this whole relationship thing out. Robin owed it to herself, to the both of them, to try and make it work.
She reached for the phone.
Vickie picked up on the second ring.
“Where were you?” she demanded, waiting, apparently, for the call.
“Hello to you too.”
Vickie snorted. “Yes, yes, hello. So where were you? I called at noon, I wanted to see you.”
“Sorry. My friend is visiting, we wanted to spent some time together.”
“Oh. Okay. And what about me?”
Robin bristled. She did not like the tone of the other girl's voice. “Well, you didn't tell me you were free this weekend.”
“You didn't ask.”
That was true, Robin did not ask. Did not even think about asking, not when she already made plans with Nancy.
“You're right. I'm sorry. What about tomorrow?” Robin took a deep breath and decided to be brave. “I'm going to the amusement park with my friends. You could come with. I'd like you to come.”
“Your friends,” Vickie did not sound overly impressed. “Steve, I understand. But that freaky Eddie Munson? And a bunch of kids? Come on, Robin. We can make a better use of our time.”
“But– they are my friends.”
“It doesn't mean I have to like them too.”
“That's true,” agreed Robin. She twirled the cord of the phone around her finger.
“If you'd rather spent the day with them than with me, go ahead.”
“I think I will.”
“Fine,” Vickie said and cut off the connection. Robin listened to the dial tone for a long time before she finally put down the receiver.
#
Saturday was a mess. A joyous mess, but a mess nonetheless.
Even though her casts were removed, Max still did not regain full mobility in her arms and legs and at times needed the help of a wheelchair. Lucas and El were determined to make sure she wouldn't miss on any fun. They wheeled her from the Ferris Wheel to the Carousels – with Steve hot on their heels, making sure everyone involved stayed safe. Mike also tried to help but lack of patience made him a terrible caretaker. Seeing this, Dustin hauled him to where Eddie was running around with Erica perched proudly on his shoulders. Mike’s sour scowl made a terrific job of scaring gaping passers-by into looking away. The townsfolk still regarded Eddie with suspicion, even though he was officially cleared of all charges.
Robin found herself drawn to Will who, despite quiet exterior, turned out to have a crazy streak. He wanted to try the wildest rides and screamed at the top of his lungs at the slightest provocation. And Robin, despite her general dislike for such extreme excitements, found herself enjoying the experience. This boy’s joy was contagious.
When they walked by the shooting range, she noticed a small plush platypus among the prizes. And could not look away.
“My lovely young friend,” she said grabbing Will by the shoulder. “I need it.”
Will critically looked at the platypus, at the cheeky smile of the range’s attendant and at the gun.
“Sure. But we'll need Nancy for that.”
#
Nancy, who was sitting with Jonathan in the shade of a large umbrella, didn't have to be persuaded.
“Take my coffee,” she commanded her ex-boyfriend and lead them all towards the shooting range.
No one was surprised when she succeeded in winning the prize on the first try.
“My hero!” screamed Robin and kissed the top of the other girl's head.
Nancy laughed and blushed, pleased with herself. “What now? Should we find a ride?”
“I have just the one,” said Will.
“No,” Robin and Jonathan exclaimed in unison.
#
They picked Swingboats and Bumper Cars. And they eventually allowed Will to drag them to the Paratrooper.
When it was time for dinner, they huddled around the wobbly picnic table and ate the amount of hot-dogs sufficient to sustain a small army. The vendor looked disgusted and impressed in equal measure.
On the way back, Steve and Jonathan took turns driving the camper. Robin, very consciously, did not think about who this home on wheels belonged to and how it came into Party’s possession. It was definitely not the same one Eddie stole (Borrowed, Rob!) during that mess with Vecna.
“The day is too young for us to go our separate ways,” announced loudly Dustin.
“Dude, it’s almost dark already.”
“So we should go to Steve’s and watch one of the amazing movies I conveniently stashed in one of the bookcases.”
“If you stole them from the Family Video, I swear to–”
“All in favour, rise their hands! Good, thank you, thank you– not you, Jonathan! Both hands on the wheel!”
#
Later, much later in the evening, Robin finally took little platypus home and put it on her bedside table. It looked absolutely ridiculous. She loved it to pieces.
#
Vickie did not try to contact her. Did not apologize. Didn't even look in her direction when they brushed past each other on school corridors and coldly avoided her during band practices. Robin complained about that treatment to Steve, made a big deal of being hurt, broken-hearted, when in truth all she felt was relief.
“You're better off without her,” insisted Steve.
She was inclined to agree.
#
“I don't think we can play chess over the phone.”
“Come on! Why not? I could set up my chessboard and you can have the second on your side. We'll update them during every call.”
“What if one of them gets messed up? I don't have a room for myself, you know.”
“Then I'll tell you how to fix it. I promise not to cheat. Do you?”
“Alright. I do.”
#
Life went on. Robin went to classes and she went to work. She spent Saturdays with Steve, doing the most random things. Sometimes they even joined the gang's wild excursions and on one memorable occasion – a game. She had to admit that Eddie was a wonderful storyteller. Even Steve seemed swept into the adventure, even though he had to know some of the plot twists from Eddie's planning sessions. The guy was plotting this campaign from his living room, after all.
“You should play with them,” she whispered at one point.
“No,” replied Steve, aghast. “This is a line I'll never cross. I'm here just to deliver cookies.”
“You delivered them two hours ago.”
“I don't see you being in a hurry to leave.”
“I like it here,” she admitted easily. Only thing that this evening lacked, only thing that would make it perfect – was Nancy's presence.
“Then maybe you should play with them.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Not that far into the campaign, you won't!” shouted Dustin. Apparently, they weren't as stealthy in their discussion as they thought.
“We could make an exception, right Eddie?” interjected Will. He seemed to develop a peculiar fondness for Robin – which was reciprocated.
“We could,” agreed generously Eddie and winked at Steve.
“Maybe next time,” said quickly Robin, loathing to disrupt the flow of the game.
Steve swore under his breath.
#
In January, still slightly disappointed that college work kept Nance in Boston during winter break, Robin went to Bloomington with Steve. They planned to experience life in a place outside of a hell-hole that was Hawkins, Indiana – which boiled down to visiting every bar they would be granted entrance to and drinking a lot of colourful drinks with fancy names.
They were successful, an altogether uncommon occurrence. And they had fun.
“Next time, we're taking Eddie,” slurred Steve and carefully peeled another pistachio from its shell.
Robin propped herself on his arm. “Then who will take care of the kids?”
“They are sensible enough to survive on their own for two days. Most of the time.”
“You're not gonna see them as grown-ups before they graduate, are you?”
“Probably.”
They spent the night in a fancy hotel, courtesy of Steve's parents credit card – and their guilt for staying in Europe for another three months. In the small gift shop, Robin saw a key ring with a picture of Tom Cruise. It was guaranteed to make Nance laugh, so she bought it, fully intending to give it to the older girl the next time they saw each other.
#
By March, Robin had a whole box of things that reminded her of Nancy. She still thought of them as gifts and could not say for sure why she never sent them.
#
“To be perfectly honest with you, I've never seen ‘Alien’.”
“What? How is that possible? That's one of the best movies ever made!”
“It sounds really terrifying.”
“Oh. I guess the proximity of the Upside Down made you less inclined to enjoy horrors.”
“I might– enjoy it. In the right company.”
“No, no. I understand your reservations, they are completely valid. The next time you’re in Hawkins, you can pick the movie.”
“It’s a big responsibility.”
“I’m sure you’ll manage.”
“Just promise you won’t complain if I pick something cheesy.”
“I can survive cheesy. In the right company.”
#
Mrs Henderson went to visit relatives in Indianapolis and she left Steve in charge of the household – and of Dustin. It was a D&D weekend and the Party decided to gather at the Wheeler’s.
Any plans Robin might have had about joining them faded into the background in the face of the college application essay Steve decided to write. He started to seriously consider applying somewhere in the summer – and was perfectly aware he needed a lot of time to craft something sensible. Every bit of help counted.
“Bring him back by ten o’clock!” shouted Steve from his place on the living room couch. He already had notebooks and colourful pens spread on the table.
Eddie already ushered Dustin out the door. “The campaign takes a lot longer to finish!”
“I don’t care! He needs solid eight hours of sleep to be a functional human being!”
Robin rolled her eyes.
“Are you aware that the two of you radiate the divorced couple energy?”
“I resent the implication!” screamed Eddie from the hallway. “If he ever agreed to marry me, I would never let him go!”
Steve turned red and spluttered something under his breath.
“My darling dingus, you should truly do something about this. He was never subtle about his interest but this is just too much.”
“For fuck's sake, Robin!”
Front door slammed shut, but they could still hear Eddie's joyous shout, “We'll be back before midnight, my darlings!”
Steve run to the window and angrily rapped on the glass. “Ten o’clock, you asshole!”
“Don't wait up, love!”
“See? Do something before he loses patience and finds someone else to court.”
Steve whirled around and pointed a finger at her. “Like you're the one to talk!”
“What?”
“Your non-existent love affair with Nance!”
“What?”
“It should be made official by now!”
“Whaaat?”
Steve threw his hands in the air and stomped towards the kitchen. Robin, very confused, followed suit.
“You keep needling me about Eddie.” Steve fished out a small pot from the drawer. “But the way Nance looks at you is outright indecent. Like she's fantasizing of bundling you in a blanket and bringing you coffee every morning.”
“That’s far from indecent. That can be– out of friendship.”
“It could be,” agreed Steve. Out of the highest shelf he pulled out a chocolate bar and deftly chopped it into small pieces.
“And she's only ever dated guys.”
Like Vickie, went unsaid between them but Steve made a sympathetic face anyway.
“She could be bisexual.”
Robin almost dropped the bottle of milk she was fetching from the fridge. “Steve! How did you even learn that world?”
“Well, Dustin–”
“Dustin?!”
“No, calm your knickers.” Milk and chocolate went into the pot, the pot went on the stove. “He's as straight as they come. But he's been researching. He has this grand theory that Will is in doomed love with Nancy's little brother. Which is ridiculous. Young Byers has an impeccable taste, he'd never fall for that sour-faced kid.”
“Love is blind.” Robin sat on the counter and grabbed her favourite mug off the rack. Maybe it should alarm her that she had a favourite mug in her teenage friend-in-law's kitchen– but it didn't. “And it would make sense. Falling for your best friend is the easiest thing in the world.”
“And here we circle back to you and Nance.”
“She's not my best friend.”
“Aww, Rob!”
“Shut up. Don't make a big deal out of it.”
After few minutes of comfortable silence, Steve poured hot chocolate into cups and said, “You're my best friend too, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Should we agree to grow old together, if all of our romantic prospects don’t work out?”
“We’ll grow old together anyway,” said seriously Steve. “We’ll live close to each other and we’ll meet for dinner every week. And we’ll sit on the porch and very loudly complain about our neighbours’ children.”
“And see, this is where your fantasy is wrong,” said Robin and took a small sip of her chocolate. “I know you well enough to predict you would be tempted to adopt at least half of the kids roaming our future neighbourhood. We’ll never have time to peacefully grumble on the porch.”
“Maybe so, Rob. Maybe so.”
#
“Thank you for doing this, Robin.”
“No problem.”
“Well. I know that you hate sitting still.”
Robin shifted on the chair but did not disagree. When Will said that he wanted to practice drawing people and asked her to be his model, she knew it would involve a lot of sitting still. But art required sacrifices. And she felt touched that he asked her for help.
At least she could talk, and fidget. For the past two hours, Will was drawing her hands.
“I think your artwork is amazing” she said. “I'd love to be able to do what you're doing.”
Robin thought back to the exhibition she went to see with Nancy. About love and longing and hope closed in small photographs. How looking at them made her loneliness– not disappear, but quiet down.
“Putting lines on paper?” laughed self-deprecatingly Will.
“Making people feel things when they look at the lines you've put on paper.”
“Oh.”
They sat in silence for a while.
Will asked her to pose many times after that.
She agreed every time.
#
Summer break was approaching and Robin felt full of hope. She was so close to finishing high school she could almost smell the sweet aroma of freedom. Both she and Steve finished their college application essays and everything indicated that Eddie was finally going to graduate.
“I'm coming home on the beginning of May,” Nancy told her over the phone.
Robin's heart lurched in her chest.
“Good,” she croaked out. “I can't wait to see you.”
It did not matter whether Steve was right, whether Nancy felt something for her or not. It did not matter if what they had was friendship or if it could cross into some other territory.
Robin just wanted to see her.
#
The day before Nancy was set to arrive was rainy and cold. Robin spent most of the morning curled under the patchwork blanket, trying to read “Crime and Punishment”. She was fascinated by Raskolnikov’s downward spiral but found herself distracted by the ticking clock or the raindrops falling on the metal windowsill. Eventually she abandoned the book and rummaged through the box of cassettes. She picked up “Jolene” and listened to the tape three times in a row.
“Wouldn't peg you as a Dolly fan,” came the voice from the door and Robin startled so badly she almost fell off the bed.
“Nance!”
“Sorry for scaring you,” older girl entered the room and softly closed the door behind herself. She wore a lovely white sweater which looked incredibly soft to the touch. “Your Grandma let me in.”
“I hope she didn't interrogate you?”
“I dodged the most invasive questions.”
“Oh God, I'm sorry,” sighed Robin and nervously straightened out the collar of her oversized green shirt. She wasn’t expecting company today; however happy she was to see Nance, she wished she had the chance to wear something more... presentable. “She means well.”
“I figured. She looked kind,” Nancy sat on the bed opposite Robin. “Let's listen to the tape again.”
Robin nodded. She leaned forward to where radio stood on her bedside table, right next to the plush platypus, and flipped the tape back to the A-side. A well-known melody filled the room.
“She was in love with her, wasn’t she?”
Robin's eyes widened in surprise.
“What do you mean?”
Nancy shrugged. “Woman on the tape. The way she describes Jolene is pretty self-explanatory. She wants her. And she feels she cannot have her.”
“What about the man?”
“There always has to be some man. Plausible deniability.”
Robin looked away. Thought about all the crushes she invented in the primary school, when she still tried to fit in. When she still hoped that repeating the lie might make it true. Might make her normal.
She did not care for normal any more. There was no such a thing.
“It’s awful, not being able to speak openly.”
Nancy was looking at her.
Was it a hint? An invitation? How honest could she be?
“Yeah. It is,” she admitted.
She was afraid, so afraid, to look up and risk catching the other girl’s eyes. What if she understood her wrong? What if Nancy was just making some general statements that held no real weight? One wouldn't need to be personally affected to see the injustice of being forced into silence – and rage against it.
Nance reached out, lay her open palm on the bed between them. The move was deliberate, a clear invitation.
Robin gratefully clasped their hands together.
"When I was in middle school, I had this friend, Ellie," said quietly Nancy. "She lived next door and even though we weren't in the same class, we met almost every afternoon. And we were never bored – Ellie had great imagination and a real gift for inventing stories. She was so much more interesting than any of the other girls from my grade.”
"And what happened?" asked Robin, dreading the answer. She knew perfectly well that, right now, there was no person fitting that description in the other girl's life.
"Her family moved to Philadelphia. We wrote each other letters, for a while. I checked the mailbox every morning and every evening. I felt alive only in the moments when I read her words, when I touched the pages packed with her handwriting. The longer the message was, the smaller the letters got – like she was afraid of running out of space." Nancy smiled. Her thumb gently caressed Robin's palm. For a moment, she seemed lost in the memories. And just when Robin was gathering the courage to do something, anything, she spoke again. "When the letters stopped, I was unconsolable. It happened suddenly, without any warning or a goodbye. When four of my letters went without any reply, I had to let it go."
"Have you ever seen her again?"
"No. But that's not the point of this story."
Somewhere a river of happiness flows, w e'll sit on its banks while the warm breezes blow.
"Only years later I realized that... the despair I felt after I lost contact with Ellie was a kind of a heartbreak. I didn't realize I gave my heart away. I didn't even know it was possible, not with another girl."
Robin's head was spinning. She couldn't be understanding this correctly. It must be some kind of wishful thinking, seeing signs were there were none.
Still, she had to ask.
"You were– in love?"
Nancy smiled ruefully. "As much in love as a thirteen-year-old can be."
"Oh."
They were still holding hands. Robin was hyper-aware of every point of contact, of the shared warmth and energy. Something warm and bright was slowly filling up the space behind her ribs; it felt a little bit like hope.
"Sometimes," she said hesitantly. "It's hard to see the difference between friendship and something else."
"That's true."
Honesty– honesty was not easy. It required bravery, as much bravery as facing the monstrous spawns of the Upside Down.
"I grew used to being confused by my own mind. Was I looking at girls because I admired them or because I– because I wanted them?"
Nance smiled, squeezed Robin’s hand. "Do I want to be you or do I want to be with you?"
“Yeah.” In retrospect, it was awful how long it took and how much work it was – to understand that the fire she sometimes felt in her chest signified desire. And then, it took even longer to let go of shame the world claimed such desire required. "Maybe if my thirteen-year-old self knew it was possible to fall in love with other girls, things would be easier."
"My roommate said the same thing."
Darlin', you're the highlight of my life, you're the one that makes it all worth while.
"Are we friends, Nance?"
You're the one I always think about–
"We are." Nancy bit her lip. "But I am pretty sure that whatever it is that I feel when I look at you is more than friendship."
"Oh shit."
"Yeah."
Robin grinned, unable to help herself. Everything was in the open now. No more hiding required, no more downplaying the attraction she felt. "Sorry. That wasn't very romantic."
"You don't have to be romantic. I'm already so far gone for you it's ridiculous."
No words felt good enough to encompass all giddy joy Robin felt bubbling inside her chest. She tugged on Nancy's hand, pulled the other girl closer.
"It means I can kiss you, right? Please, say it's okay for me to kiss you."
Nancy laughed against her lips. The kiss was clumsy and all the more lovely for it. There was no pressure to get things right; they had a lot of time to learn each other's likes and dislikes, to become familiar with the shapes of each other’s bodies. For now, the simple pleasure of being close – of being touched, with joy and reverence – was enough. More than enough.
#
“Is your nice friend staying the night?” Grandma’s scratchy voice drifted upstairs.
Robin looked at Nance, curled up against her side, and thought how funny it was that every time she tried to keep Steve for the night, her Gran was close to getting a heart attack.
“My parents don’t know I’m already in Hawkins,” said Nancy, her eyelids already halfway closed. “If you want me to stay, I could.”
“And what do you want?”
Nance smiled. She stretched up and lazily rubbed her cheek against Robin’s collarbone. “It would be really nice to wake up beside you.”
“She stays!” shouted Robin.
#
Nancy turned out to be a restless sleeper. She tossed and turned and mumbled intelligibly into the pillow. At one point she almost pushed Robin off the mattress.
Still, it was lovely to have her so close.
Battered cardboard box, filled to the brim with small trinkets, waited under the bed. Robin tried to decide whether she should just give it to the other girl before breakfast or wait and divide its contents into little gifts that could be systematically revealed over a longer period of time. She didn’t want to seem overzealous or, even worse, unhinged. What sane person kept a pile of, of goddamn courting gifts underneath their bed–
“You’re thinking very loudly.”
Robin startled, shifted to her side so she could look into Nancy’s bleary eyes. “Sorry about that.”
“What time is it?”
“Not early enough for the breakfast.”
“So why aren’t you asleep?”
Robin had half a mind to blame it all on Nance’s restlessness or soft snoring but that– that wouldn’t be the truth. She kept waking up because things were changing. Her whole world would be different in the morning. No more hiding, no more half-truths. At least, not with people closest to her. She already decided to talk to the Party – and she was sure they would accept her for who she was.
“I have a lot on my mind,” she admitted to Nancy. “It’s always like this. It takes me ages to fall asleep.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No.” Robin pushed stray locks of hair from the other girl’s forehead, gently traces the line of her cheekbone. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.”
How could it be wrong, Robin wondered. How loving that wonderful, brave young woman could be seen as something to be ashamed of? How being wanted by her could be felt as anything other than a miracle?
Robin did her research. She knew that not even ten years have passed since decriminalization of homosexuality in the State of Indiana. Some people still thought it was a sickness of mind or a corruption of the soul. They would gladly keep the likes of her on the fringes of society.
Nancy sniffled and propped herself up on her elbow. “Will you tell Steve? About us?”
“It’s up to you.” Robin wanted to, she wanted it badly. She wanted Steve to know, and the whole Party to know and she wanted to live as herself. But she could never out Nance against her will.
“I’m fine with him knowing. I’d also like to tell my brother and Jonathan.” Nancy frowned and looked away. “But not my parents. Not yet.”
“Hey, I get it. I still haven’t told my Gran,” Robin smiled ruefully. “To be fair, she should have figured it out on her own by now.”
“Maybe she did.”
And it shouldn’t hurt. I shouldn’t. But the thought that Gran knew and didn’t say anything made Robin think she did not approve. Maybe the old woman was hoping that not acknowledging her granddaughter’s preferences would make her go back to normal.
“Or maybe she just doesn’t want to assume,” offered hopefully Nance.
Robin groaned and hid her face in the pillow.
“I talk too much. I need to stop,” she mumbled mournfully. “You’ll eventually get annoyed with me and you will leave for somebody with more self-control and better hand-to-eye coordination.”
Nance laughed. “Doubtful.” Robin felt the mattress shift and soon warm arms encircled her waist and clever lips brushed the nape of her neck. “You’re stuck with me now.”
“Alright then.”
She could feel Nance smile against her skin and suddenly it was not enough. She turned ungracefully and peppered the other girl’s face with kisses. They giggled and hushed each other, wary of waking up the old woman sleeping downstairs. Eventually, they ended up on their sides, with one of Nancy’s hands tangled in Robin’s hair.
“Maybe some day,” the older girl whispered, her smile small and private and lovely. “Some day in the future, hiding the truth won’t be necessary.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I hope so.”