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Valentine’s Day has never been an easy time for you. For years, you would dread it, not knowing why, until you finally came to terms with your aroace identity. It hasn’t really made it easier, per se, but it did make it more understandable why you hated it so much.
This year, though, was different. This time, you had plans. Not the plans one would usually have on this day of course, because again, aroace. But you did have something to tell a very special girl, and though you know she probably won’t fully understand it, you won’t feel right with yourself unless you tell her.
Monika is the president of the literature club at your school, and your closest confidant. She’d been there for you every step of the way, whether it be learning to write poetry, or discovering your aroace identity. Yes, Monika had indeed pointed you in the direction of the aspec community when you vented to her about how romance just didn’t make sense to you. It might have even been the thing that got her researching and realizing that pan fit her better than bi. Monika being pan, or more specifically allo, was the thing that was making you so nervous.
The thing is, you’d had what you’ve come to realize was a gigantic squish on the club president for months now. Though you’re more than content with being best friends, you’re often plagued with fantasies of the two of you living in a little house together after graduation, raising plants and maybe a cat or dog together. You might even consider marrying and having a kid with her one day if you could figure out the logistics. Just you and Monika, facing life together, as Queerplatonic soulmates.
But you knew in all likelihood that none of that would ever happen. Because Monika is allo, and allos only want to do that sort of stuff with those they’re romantically involved with. Of course, you know that a QPR can be between anyone of any orientation, but there’s a reason they’re more popular with aspecs. You’ve heard the QPR horror stories online, and though you doubt monika would ever do that sort of thing to you, your mind is overrun with anxiety about how many ways this day could go wrong.
You decide to head to the clubroom early, so you can catch a few minutes alone with Monika. The school has been decorated in heart-shaped regalia on every surface, and this classroom is no different. But you force yourself to ignore that and instead focus on the beautiful girl reading a book at her usual desk. “Hi, Monika.”
Monika tears her emerald gaze away from the page, and meets your eyes with a smile. “Oh, hello. You’re early today.”
You feel yourself start to blush. Dang it, you thought you were over this awkwardness. “Yeah, uh, there’s actually something I’d like to talk to you about.”
Monika’s smile grows. “Sure, I’ve got a couple of minutes.” She stands up, and you follow her to a pair of desks closer together. You both sit, and a slightly heavy silence hangs in the air for a few moments. Monika finally breaks it. “So, what’s on your mind?”
You really should’ve made a plan as to how to go about this. Cursing your past self rather colorfully, you steal yourself and begin. “Well, you know how we researched queer identities together? And I figured out I’m aroace, you figured out you’re pan?”
Monika smiles softly, playing with the strands of hair in front of her ears. You really wish you didn’t have to notice how silky smooth it was right now. Monika’s the only one of your club mates to have naturally colored hair, but the contrast to all the pinks and purples makes it more beautiful in your eyes. You wish you could run your fingers through it; would Monika ever allow you to do that?
Ugh, stupid esthetic and sensual attraction distracting you! You force yourself to tune in to the president’s words. “It’s really wonderful that we could help each other discover ourselves,” she was saying. “I’m glad I could share that with you. And I’m glad you learned more about yourself too, of course.”
“W-Well, I was researching a little more about the aspec community and—have you ever heard of a queerplatonic relationship?”
Much to your surprise, Monika nods. “I have. It’s a really fascinating concept. It’s definitely something that makes you think about the way society views relationships in an entirely new light. It’s amazing that all it takes is one small thing to do that.” She seems to get lost in thought for a moment, before focusing on you with a new sort of glint in her eyes you aren’t quite sure of the meaning. “Why do you ask?”
Here it goes, you think to yourself. The big moment. “Uh, w-well, I’ve had like a pretty big squish on you for a while, a-a-and if a QPR is ever something you’d be interested in… then…”
You trail off. You feel absolutely stupid. Why did you ever think this was a good idea? You should just pretend you never had this conversation. Monika will never—
Monika says your name, in a soft, awed tone, as if you were a mythical creature she had been searching all her life to find. A chill runs down your spine, mixing oddly but not unpleasantly with your anxiety. “Is that really how you feel?”
You nod, emotion stealing any words you might say. Monika reaches out a hand. You take it, and she squeezes. Her nails have been painted in intricate green and purple swirls.
“Y’know, it’s kinda funny.” YOur anxiety shoots back up with those words, but Monika squeezes your hand comfortingly as she clarifies. “I was actually going to ask you to be in a QPR, but ultimately decided against it because I thought you might think I was, like, hoping you’d eventually get romantic feelings for me.”
Your stomach does a weird little flop as you process the president’s words. An incredulous little laugh bubbles up from your throat. “Seriously?!” Your voice cracks embarrassingly, but Monika just smiles radiantly at you.
She says your name again, gentle, but firm. “I love you.” You feel like since this is the first time she’s said these words to you, and the amount of weight they carry, it should be an intense moment. But in reality, it’s more like a large, heavy blanket being draped over you. A reassurance that everything was okay. “I want to be a part of your life however you’ll have me,” she continues. “We’ll have have some discussions of boundaries and, like, how all of this is gonna work, but I want to give this a try. I wanna be your QPP.”
As amazing as this moment is, you feel anxiety creeping back in. This time, you voice it. “But, won’t it be hard for you? Since I’m aro, and you’re…”
“You know how I’m, like, vegan and stuff?” You’re taken aback by this non sequitur, but you nod along, curious as to where your… partner (is that what you are to each other now?) is going with this. “I don’t eat meat, but I don’t force it on others? Well, it’s kind of… wait no, it’s not a choice so it’s a bad analogy. Hold on, let me think about this.”
You don’t know whether it’s her intention or not, but Monika’s adorkable behavior at the moment is definitely helping you feel more at ease. “Right. Well, the point is, we both love each other in different ways, but that doesn’t mean our love isn’t equal. They’re different, but they’re both equally strong and important. You love me in your own special way, and that’s more than enough for me. So, I believe we can make this work.”
You just sit there, goofily grinning at one another for a while. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” you randomly blurt before you forget, and monika giggles.
“Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Suddenly, the door nearly flies off its hinges. “Hellooooooo~” Sayori singsongs.
Natsuki’s eyes widen. “Whoa, what did we just walk into?”
“Uh…” You feel your cheeks getting hot. MOnika, though, just smiles at the rest of your club mates.
“Hello, everyone. I know today’s going to be a great club meeting.” You find yourself agreeing with her.