Chapter Text
Chapter One: Oh god..
He was dead before he hit the ground. But I knew that was what he wanted, even as the lot echoed with the cracks of the shots, even as I begged silently Please, not him… not him and Johnny both-I knew he would be dead, because Dallas Winston wanted to be dead and he always got what he wanted. Dally didn't die a hero. He died violent and young and desperate, just like we all kney he'd die someday. But Johnny was right. He died gallant. My stomach gave a violent start and turned into a hunk of ice. The world was spinning around me, and blobs of faces and visions of things past were dancing in the red mist that covered the lot. It swirled into a mass of colors and I felt myself swaying on my feet. Someone cried, "Glory, look at the kid!" And the ground rushed up to meet me very suddenly. Then I was laying there and wondered what in the world was happening-people were jumping over me and running by me and I was too dazed to figure it out. Then someone had me under the armpits and was hauling me to my feet. It was Darry.
"Are you all right, Ponyboy?"
“What?” I was dizzy out of my mind and Darry was shaking me too hard.
“Are you all right?,” he was looking at me with his eyebrows drawn. What the hell happened?
“Stop shaking me” I said, less of a please then a don’t.
“Sorry,” his grip loosened and his hands were off me and I couldn’t help but feel kind of bad, I was understanding my brother more and more, and that’s when I noticed something was wrong, I looked at the sky, it was bright, and it wasn’t night, we weren’t in the middle of the street and it wasn’t wet. We weren’t surrounded by police and.. I knew where we were, a few blocks from the movie house. Like a week ago…where those Socs had cut me and the only worry was Darry yelling at me, when Johnny and Dally…
My confusion grew though, how did I get here and then I slowly started to realize that the feel of the scars from the fire missing from my skin, and then I noticed the bruises from the rumble gone, my hand traveled to the side of my face it was bleeding but it wasn’t because of the rumble, no weapons… it was fresh… it was from a Socs switch, when I had gotten cut up down a few blocks from the movie house, when the only worry I should’ve had... My other hand clutched my head, where I had been kicked at the rumble, it was no longer throbbing, nothing was, I couldn’t feel any of the pain I was supposed to be feeling, and I searched my skin for scars, and there was nothing, not from the fire or anything else. My hand traveled to my hair, it was still long, it was long like before, and it wasn’t blonde! Everything was wrong.. I was just in the street, Johnny had flatlined and Dally had 16 holes in his chest, he was faster to the ground then you could say anything, and! and! My heart was pounding. My breath was fast, I was hyperventilating. I felt my stomach churn, what was going on?
I was freaking out as I turned, the whole gang was in front of me, the whole gang, Soda and Darry were holding me up I realized cause my hand was cramping due to just how hard I was holding onto Darry, Johnny and Dally were standing right in front of me. Alive, no wounds, or injuries. Johnny wasn’t wrapped in bandages covered in ‘future’ scars, his hair wasn’t cut and I was close to puking. There were no holes in Dally’s chest, he wasn’t collapsing with a smile that made me ill, he wasn’t gallant..
I gagged
Suddenly someone was shaking me again, it was Soda this time, he was looking at me with more worry in his eyes than I had ever seen him with. He had a handkerchief pressed to where the Soc had cut me…
“What?” I ask, I hear my voice, it’s almost detached from myself, but my voice is very distinctly distraught. It doesn’t feel real, it shouldn’t feel real. It’s not real.
“Honey, did-did they get you bad?” he asked softly, very soft. Everyone was looking at me, with some sort of worry or concern in their faces, and so were Dal and Johnny. Suddenly I feel like I’m choking like there is air to breathe. Everyone is very concerned, I can feel it radiating off of them. This was just a dream right? No way. Right? No it couldn’t be. This is just a dream. A cruel dream. They weren’t in front of me right now, no. Yes they are. I feel fucking insane. What the hell was going on? A dream? A nightmare? Hell?
“W-what?” I feel it in my throat now, the actual distraught. I was uncertain what was happening though, scratch that, it was terrible, what the fuck was going on. I was wearing clothes from the first day, when I had gotten jumped, when dal had asked if we wanted to go to the nightly-double, and everything went downhill, a steep, rocky, horrible hill. It wasn’t that day though…
It was! It’s the exact same! They were both here, and I shake my head I try to shake it off. That’s not helping, so I stare helplessly at the ground. A dream, I’m dreaming, I nearly laugh out loud but I can’t find it anywhere in my body the strength to do so. A cruel nightmare..
Sodas on my side “Honey?” He’s soft as he brushes the hair from my face I’m still focused on the ground. He’s holding me the best he can at arms length. My arm is fully outstretched grabbing onto his shirt, but it won’t bend, I don’t think I can bend it, I know I’m shaking, what else can I do?I keep my arm out and I won’t let Soda get closer. Darry on the other hand, coaxes me softly into bending my other arm, but my hand stays clutching his shirt. My legs are shaking so much and are too weak right now I think I’ll fall if I don’t hold onto something, I think just subconsciously that it wouldn’t matter if this was a dream, but I can’t focus on that, because this couldn’t be happening, I didn’t want to think about it, they died, they died and that was it, you can’t change that, why would his stupid head want him to feel like this. I nearly fall into Darry when he finally gets my arm down. Darry is immediately checking for something. He’s moving my head around, and lifting my arms, it makes me feel worse, I feel like jello, being so easily pushed around. Soda hasn’t touched me. The real sucky part is the fact that I want it to be real, I want a do-over, I want a second chance. It makes me feel even worse. I don’t like how real this dream feels. I think I’m missing the dreams I can’t remember, they might be bad but they aren’t like this. Everyone’s stares feel real and everything Darry is doing feels real.
He’s been whispering instructions into my ear and I feel I have no choice. It’s just a dream anyways. It’s so soft, and he’s being nothing like the Darry I knew this whole year. His instructions, consist of dropping my arms, letting him move me, telling me to breathe deeper, he tells me to not move and that he’s gonna pick me up. Maybe jello isn’t the right word, I feel like a rag doll. Suddenly he’s picked me up bridal style. I lay against his chest. I only catch a glimpse of Johnny and Dally and I don’t like the looks on their faces. They’ll never make any expressions again if you think about it. I feel horrid, like I’m one more thought away from puking and not stopping till my organs are all gone. I bury my face in Darry's chest. I can hear his heartbeat I can feel it, this was way too real, his heartbeat was too real, and it only served a quick reminder to the heart monitor in the hospital, and the way it flatlined, the way I felt my heart shatter. I whine at the thought and I see Darry's expression, when looks down at me, and I hate it.
I can’t usually tell what he’s thinking but right now I know I can, he’s worried. Even dream Darry cares and that stings.
I had really thought on it, when I first got home, and he was crying, he hadn’t changed, he always acted like this, he always was ready to help me any chance he got, so maybe he hadn’t changed when our parents died maybe those qualities were just more surface level than before..
Like I said I was understanding Darry more and more.
It probably would have been easier if Darry didn’t care. If none of them cared. Then I could drown in nightmares like this, I could die slowly and alone. I gag thinking about Dally, he killed himself, do I want that?
I don’t realize it, but we are home, I see the ceiling, and I don’t feel okay. Darry is laying me down and tucks me in. Soda is on my side in seconds but I yank away. My breathing picks up again, I don’t want him to see me like this, I don’t want anyone. Darry is on my side again, he’s breathing instructions again and I slowly follow them. Breathe in 1 2 3 4 breathe out 1 2 3 4. I feel his arm slowly slip around me and he pulls me under the blankets. I feel myself slipping. It’s warm, and Darry is safe. I’m safe Darry is safe, I focus on nothing but that thought.
I want to stop thinking, I want all of it to end. I want to breathe. I want to wake up. I want this to just be a dream.
But when I wake up later and I’m breathing easier, I get up and walk out my room, they are still there.
Chapter one fin