Work Text:
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: I REALIZE THAT ALL OF YOU ARE PROBABLY CONVINCED THAT I’M GOING TO OPEN WITH A FUSILLADE OF VERBAL SPEARS.
CCG: AND ON A NORMAL NIGHT I WOULD ABSOLUTELY TREAT YOU ALL TO A BLITZ OF FLAMING WORD PROJECTILES.
CCG: BUT RIGHT NOW I’M TOO FUCKING FREAKED OUT, SO JUST. ALL OF YOU ABHORRENT HORNFISTERS WITH SKULL INTERIORS FILLED SOLELY WITH COBWEBS AND THE AWFUL BODILY FLUIDS THAT WERE LEFT BEHIND WHEN YOUR BRAINS SPRINTED AWAY CRYING TO IMMOLATE THEMSELVES IN THE SUNLIGHT.
CCG: ALL THE FUCKING TROLLS.
CCG: IN HERE. NOW. FOR TALKING.
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA]
RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Really Karkat
CGA: Could You Please Look At What You Just Wrote
CGA: Have You Been Spending Too Much Time Around Dave Or Otherwise Imbibing Dangerous Amounts Of Human Sarcasm And Irony
CCG: YOU KNOW, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT THERE WOULD BE ONE OTHER TROLL HERE BESIDES ME READY AND PREPARED TO BE AN UPSTANDING MEMBER OF OUR INCREDIBLY NUMERICALLY REDUCED SOCIETY.
CCG: SOMEONE WHO WASN’T GOING TO HAVE MESSY METAPHORICAL INTERCOURSE WITH OUR SPECIES’ PRIDE IN WHAT MIGHT BE CHARITABLY CALLED THE WRONG HOLE.
CCG: BECAUSE THAT’S NOT EVEN A PROPER HOLE, IT’S THE FUCKING MORTAL WOUND THE HUMANS AND SGRUB AND THE STUPID THEMES THEIR UNIVERSE BORROWED FROM OURS HAVE COLLECTIVELY BLOWN IN IT.
CCG: BUT YOU’RE APPARENTLY ON THE HOT LOOKOUT FOR HUMAN SARCASM.
CCG: AND IRONY.
CCG: AND THE FAMILIARITY REQUIRED FOR THAT WOULD SUGGEST A KIND OF CLOSENESS THAT JUST MEANS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING I’M GOING TO SAY IN INTIMATE, PORNOGRAPHIC DETAIL AND HAVE BEEN LAUGHING IT UP WITH LITTLE MISS I AM MORE OF A HIGHBLOOD THAN ANY OF THE ACTUAL TROLL HIGHBLOODS FOR A BILUNAR PERIGEE NOW.
CCG: PLEASE NOTE THAT THAT WAS LITERALLY INTIMATE, PORNOGRAPHIC DETAIL, NOT THE NATURAL EMBELLISHMENT RESULTING FROM THE SKILLED BOMBARDMENT OF DICTION AND SYNTAX BOMBS THAT IS NOW FALLING ON YOUR HEAD.
CCG: OKAY NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE GIVING ME TOO LONG TO TYPE THIS SHIT.
CCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SAY SOMETHING ALREADY, KANAYA.
CGA: Oh I Was Waiting For You To Finish
CGA: Are You Done Then
CCG: NO. WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK.
CCG: WHERE IS EVERYBODY ELSE?
CCG: I WASN’T KIDDING ABOUT THE WHOLE EVERYONE GET IN HERE THING.
CCG: THIS IS A MANDATORY MEETING FOR ALL SURVIVORS FROM ALTERNIA. STOP SHITTING AROUND, GET YOUR ABNORMALLY WIDE ASSES OFF THE LOAD GAPER, AND PREPARE TO GET SCHOOLFED.
CCG: IT IS DAY FUCKING FORTY SEVEN AND WE ARE WAY BEHIND IN CULTURAL COMPARISON 100B: HOW TO SURVIVE ONE POINT FIVE SWEEPS ON AN ASTEROID IN THE COMPANY OF SHITTY PINK MONKEY DERIVATIVES.
CCG: THIS IS IN FACT BECAUSE THE CLASS YOU ALL ACTUALLY SIGNED UP FOR WAS XENOSEXUALITY 4451: OH MY GRUBSHITTING GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING HELP, AND THE DEADLINE TO DROP IT HAS PASSED.
CCG: GET
CCG: THE FUCK
CCG: ON
CCG: THIS
CCG: MEMO
CCG: !!!!!!!
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> I am here
CCT: D --> But I have had to keep Nepeta from reading this
CCT: D --> Your language is tr001y at the pinnacle of 100dness
CCG: I DON’T CARE, YOU GRIMY BAG OF BULGES.
CCG: THE INTELLIGENCE I AM ABOUT TO IMPART IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL FOR ANYONE WHO’S STUCK ON THIS BORDERLINE CLAUSTROPHOBIC SPACE ROCK WITH A BUNCH OF PROMISCUOUS ALIENS.
CCG: NOW WHO COULD THAT BE? COULD IT PERHAPS BE… ALL OF US?
CCG: DING DING DING, ZAHHAK, HAVE A GODDAMNED PRIZE. IT’S AN ORDER.
CCG: UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR IMMATURE FELINE MOIRAIL TO BE TRAUMATIZED OR AT THE VERY LEAST EXCESSIVELY PROPOSITIONED, MAKE HER GET ON A HUSKTOP SO WE CAN GET THIS DREARY RUMPUS PARTY TOWN STARTED.
CCT: D --> Hrrk
CGA: I Think You Had Better Do It Equius
CGA: It Does Seem Somewhat Important Or At The Least Potentially Extremely Embarrassing
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: HoNk HoNk KaRbRo!!! :o)
CGA: At Any Rate Theres No Reasoning With Him When Hes Like This
CCG: FUCK OFF, YOU WOULD TRY TO REASON WITH A BULL CHARGING AT YOUR OFFENSIVELY COLORED SKIRT.
CCG: IF WE HAD ANY BULLS THAT FELT LIKE CHARGING, ANYWAY. POSSIBLY ONTO THE MEMO.
CCG: HINT A HINT HINT.
CCG: AND HEY, GAMZEE.
CTC: So WhAt ArE wE aLl Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN dIsCuSsInG hErE?
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: hey kar im here
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < *ac waves her tail of furriendship at the others and says*
CCG: HER LEADER CUTS HER OFF AND TELLS HER TO BE QUIET WHILE SHIT IS EXPLAINED.
CCG: AND THEN FEELS A LITTLE DIRTY BECAUSE, ROLEPLAY. NO.
CCA: okay wwell megido told me to let you know shes listenin
CCA: she doesnt have anythin to say but shes here
CCG: SO WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
CGA: Karkat The Others Are Indisposed Or Otherwise Out Of The Room At The Moment
CGA: This Is As Many Of Us As Youre Getting
CGA: Please Cease Your Histrionics And Spill
CCT: D --> Kindly do not spill anything
CCT: D --> It ill behooves us to speak of %enose%uality
CCG: SPILLING IT IS.
CCG: HAVE ANY OF YOU EVER BEEN INSIDE ONE OF THE HUMANS’ ROOMS?
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: uMM,
CAC: :33 < *ac comes out of her sulk*
CAC: :// < *she doesnt want to give her leader a cr33ped out look but it sort of happurrns anyway!*
CAT: wAS THIS, a BAD TIME TO COME IN,
CCA: damn it kar wwhat the fuck kind of question is that
CCA: i could a stayed in my bath instead a dryin out to type
CAT: oNLY, i THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE, rEALLY IMPORTANT,
CCT: D --> Vantas
CCT: D --> What tomf001ery is this
CGA: Eridan You Idiot Put Some Clothes On
CCA: bathin robes are a perfectly respectable kind a clothin
CGA: Only If You Are Overly Fond Of Practical Nudity
CCA: its terry kan
CGA: Ugh
CGA: Why Would Anyone Even Use That Fabric
CCG: ALL OF YOU SHUT YOUR FESTERING HORIZONTAL WORD VOMIT SLITS.
CGA: Why
CCG: THIS IS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT INFORMATION, OKAY?
CCG: WE’RE GOING TO BE LIVING WITH THESE HUMANS FOR ALMOST A SWEEP AND A HALF.
CCG: AND IN THAT TIME WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH NOT ONLY EVERY BULGEBITINGLY STUPID THING YOU LOT DO, BUT ALL OF THE EVENTS IN THEIR OWN FOUR-ATHLETE TERRORLYMPICS OF IMBECILITY AS WELL.
CCG: SO I REALIZE THAT ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT’S THE ABSOLUTE HIGHEST HEIGHTS OF MORONIC DUMBASSERY.
CCG: BUT TRUST ME.
CCG: IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS NOW, A LOT OF YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK UP SO BADLY YOU WOULD RATHER STICK A RABID, HOWLING WEASEL UP YOUR SEEDFLAP.
CCT: D --> What are you saying
CCT: D --> My moirail is present, lowb100d
CCG: AND MORE THAN A FEW OF YOU- YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE- ARE GOING TO DO IT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE YOU REALLY WISH YOU WOULDN’T.
CCT: D --> Are no ears safe
CCG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU ALL DECIDED IT WAS FINE TO IGNORE THE BAN ON SLOPPY INTERSPECIES MAKEOUTS.
CCG: DON’T PRETEND LIKE THAT LAST BIT DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU, ZAHHAK. YOU’RE ALREADY EYEING THE ORANGE TEXT HUMAN COVETOUSLY.
CCG: WE’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME UNIVERSE YET.
CCG: SO I’LL ASK AGAIN.
CCG: HAVE ANY OF YOU BEEN INSIDE THE HUMANS’ ROOMS?
CGA: My Activities With Rose Have Thus Far Been Firmly Confined To My Own Respiteblock When Not In Public Spaces
CGA: Why
CTC: WeLl If My RaInBoW gLoW sIs AiNt BeEn In A mOtHeRfUcKiN hUmAn RoOm, NoBoDy ElSe WiLl HaVe EiThEr
CTC: SiNcE sHe’S pReTtY mUcH tHe HuMaN cUlTuRe FrIeNdLiEsT oF uS aLl
CAT: i, mIGHT HAVE GONE IN, tHE DAVE HUMAN’S, hUMAN BEDROOM,
CTC: WhOa
CTC: WhAt?
CCG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
CCG: DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT FOR SOME AS YET UNDETERMINED AMOUNT OF TIME YOU WERE ACTUALLY AWARE OF WHAT THEY HAVE IN THERE?
CCG: AND YOU DIDN’T WARN A SINGLE ONE OF US?
CAT: i, uH, dIDN’T ACTUALLY SEE ANYTHING, tHAT WAS DISTURBING,
CAT: eVEN THOUGH, yOU CERTAINLY SEEM, dISTURBED,
CCG: BULLSHIT.
CCG: JOHN SAID ALL THE HUMANS HAVE ONE.
CCG: FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER IT IS ANY OF YOU HAVE EVER POKED AT LOVING WITH A FORTY NINE AND A HALF AMBULATORY LENGTH UNIT POLE, THEY NAMED THEIR SHITTY RESPITEBLOCKS AFTER THEM!
CGA: Ah
CGA: Is This The Mysterious Bed
CCG: THERE’S NOTHING MYSTERIOUS ABOUT IT EXCEPT FOR WHY THEY FUCKING CALL THEM THAT!
CAT: wELL, i COULD CERTAINLY HAVE MISSED IT,
CCG: HOW WOULD YOU FUCKING MISS IT, THEY’RE PROBABLY THE BIGGEST PIECE OF FURNITURE IN THE BLOCK.
CAT: i MIGHT HAVE BEEN, mAYBE,
CAT: wEARING A BLINDFOLD, fOR MOST OF THE TIME, wHEN THE LIGHTS WERE ON,
CCG: WHAT.
CGA: What
CTC: WhAt?
CCT: D --> Lowb100d
CCT: D --> What were you even doing
CCA: hahahahaha oh this is fuckin perfect
CCA: wwhy the concern eq
CCA: wworried someone elses gonna wwin the kinkiest bastard competition
CAT: wHAT,
CAT: nO, tHAT IS DEFINITELY, tHE WRONG CONCLUSION TO COME TO,
CAT: iT IS THE WRONGEST,
CAT: iT HAS ALL OF THE WRONG,
CAT: aLL OF IT,
CCA: methinks the lady doth protest too much
CGA: Stop Quoting Troll Kesha
CGA: We Are All Thoroughly Sick Of It
CCA: its troll ke$ha kan and i knoww perfectly well thats just you
CAC: :// < *ac doesnt see anything being explained here*
CAC: :33 < *so she takes a quick break to update her shipping wall and will be right back!*
CGA: What
CCG: KANAYA THAT IS THE WRONG PERSON TO WHAT.
CCG: BACK ON TOPIC. TAVROS. EXPLAIN.
CAT: wELL, i, uH, wAS TALKING TO THE DAVE HUMAN, a FEW DAYS AGO,
CAT: aND HE MENTIONED, hE HAD A SURPRISE IN HIS RESPITEBLOCK FOR ME,
CAT: oR, uMM, hIS HUMAN BEDROOM,
CTC: are you
CTC: MOTHERFUCKING
CTC: serious
CAT: sO HE INVITED ME IN, bUT, uHH, hE PUT A BLINDFOLD ON ME,
CCT: D --> Stop
CAT: sO, i WOULDN’T BE ABLE, tO SEE THE SURPRISE,
CCT: D --> This is profmane
CCT: D --> I mean profane
CCA: eq that was awwful
CCA: wwant a towwel
CTC: am i motherfucking reading this right?
CTC: DID THAT REDTEXTED HERETIC SERIOUSLY
CTC: seriously
CCG: GAMZEE FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR STUPID SHITTY SODA AND FACE PAINT CALM DOWN. DEEP BREATHS.
CCG: SHOOSH.
CTC: HONK
CCG: IT’LL BE OKAY. SHOOOOOSH.
CTC: honk
CCG: TAVROS YOU HAVE BEEN SILENT TOO FUCKING LONG. NOBODY TOLD YOU TO LISTEN TO THE SWEATIEST PRINCESS OF THEM ALL. SAY SOMETHING OR I’M GOING TO SEND OUT A RESCUE PARTY.
CTC: HOOOOOONK
CCG: AND THEN POSSIBLY COURT MARTIAL YOU. I AM GOING TO CREATE A COURT MARTIAL SYSTEM. IT CAN DOUBLE AS AN ‘I’M VERY SORRY, WOULD YOU PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME AND NOT STRIDOUCHE’ PRESENT TO TEREZI.
CAT: aND ONCE HE TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF, aND TOOK OFF THE BLINDFOLD, i SAW THE PART OF THE ROOM THAT MY FOUR WHEELED DEVICE WAS FACING, aND HE HAD SET UP A PROJECTOR WITH A BUNCH OF HUMAN MOVIES, sO WE WATCHED THE HUMAN VERSION OF SOME OF OUR CINEMATIC CLASSICS, sUCH AS, iN WHICH A BLUEBLOOD RUNS AWAY FROM CONSCRIPTION, wITH HER TINY DRAGON LUSUS, tO JOIN THE TRADITIONALLY LOWBLOODED CAVALREAPERS, aND HAS TO PRETEND TO BE A MAROONBLOOD, hIDING HER TRUE PLACE IN THE HEMOSPECTRUM, fROM HER SEADWELLER CAPTAIN, bECOMING A GREAT WARRIOR, aND ACCIDENTALLY REVEALING HER TRUE BLOOD COLOR, vIA AN UNFORTUNATE NEED FOR MEDICAL ATTENTION, aFTER WHICH HER CAPTAIN SPARES HER FROM THE NORMAL EXECUTION, oN A FLOGGING JUT, tHAT WOULD FOLLOW, aND SHE WARNS HIM OF AN INFILTRATION, bY AMPHIBIOUS ALIEN FORCES, tHAT SHE IS INSTRUMENTAL IN FIGHTING OFF, bECAUSE HE IGNORED HER WARNING, mOSTLY, bUT THEN JOINED IN, wHILE HELPING THEIR CAVALREAPER COMRADES TO CLUMSILY, hIDE THEIR OWN BLOOD COLORS, aND WITH THE GAP IN THE HEMOSPECTRUM GONE, tHE TWO BECOME MATESPRITS, aFTER REPELLING THE ATTACK,
CCG: ………………………………………………………
CCG: WE’VE ALREADY HAD TOO MANY PEOPLE SAYING WHAT ON THIS MEMO.
CCG: BUT THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE I CAN THINK OF SAYING.
CCG: THE ONLY THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS WHAT. WHAT AND WHAT ALONE.
CCG: I DON’T.
CCG: I JUST DON’T.
CCA: wwell wwhat i am goin to say is
CCA: i wwill return in a couple a minutes
CCA: seein as how ivve accidentally turned my handkerchief vviolet by cryin a laughter
CCA: an i dont want it to stain
CAC: :33 < *ac walks back in, waving her whiskers at efurryone!*
CAC: :33 < *she says:*
CAC: :33 < …look again!
CAC: :33 < the ship is now diamonds!
CCG: I’VE GOT GAMZEE IN A PRIVATE CHAT. HE’LL COME BACK WHEN HE’S RECOVERED FROM HIS NEAR MISS WITH EMOTION BASED VASCULAR SYSTEM DESTRUCTION.
CCG: ANYWAY. SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS.
CCG: YOU AND STRIDER WERE WATCHING WIGGLER MOVIES WITH THE LIGHTS OFF, AND WHEN YOU CAME IN YOU WERE BLINDFOLDED, SO YOU NEVER SAW. IT.
CAT: i, gUESS I DON’T REALLY, sEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS,
CAT: bED IS JUST, a KIND OF STUPID WORD,
CCG: NO. NO IT’S NOT.
CCG: WE’VE BEEN THINKING THAT ALL ALONG. EVERY TIME THEY CALLED A RESPITEBLOCK A BEDROOM.
CCG: LASCIVIOUS WRETCHES.
CCG: WE HAVE BEEN MISLED, TRICKED BETWIXT THE TWIN FORTRESSES OF INNUENDO AND IGNORANCE. AND WE CANNOT EXTRICATE OURSELVES FROM OUR AMBUSH AND UNDOING FOR ANOTHER SWEEP AND A HALF.
CGA: Perhaps You Could Come A Little More Quickly To The Point
CCA: kar wwhat she meant to say is
CCA: read our lips
CCA: wwhat the fuck is a bed
CGA: Do Not Put Words In My Mouth Ampora
CGA: I Am Prepared To Cut You Again
CCA: is that a promise kan
CGA: Not In A Good Way You Utter Imbecile
CCG: HUMANS DON’T SLEEP IN RECUPERACOONS.
CAT: i, uHH, tHOUGHT, wE ALL kNEW THAT,
CCG: INSTEAD WHAT THEY HAVE IN THEIR FUCKING HUMAN BEDROOMS IS WHAT THEY CALL A BED.
CAC: :33 < but karkitty whats interesting about them sl33ping?
CCT: D --> I must agree
CCT: D --> They are not even STRONG enough to wake up ve%ed
CCT: D --> Let alone murderous
CCG: YEAH, IT’S NOT THE SLEEPING THING THAT’S INTERESTING.
CCG: BED IS THE HUMAN WORD FOR CONCUPISCIENT COUCH.
CGA: Hoofbeastshit
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: karkat!
CCT: D --> Hrrrrrrk
CAA: are you sure that’s accurate?
CCT: D --> Language
CCT: D --> And content
CGA: On What Proof Do You Base This Ridiculous Claim
CCG: SO JOHN TOLD ME TO COME TO HIS ROOM BECAUSE HE HAD SOMETHING HE WANTED TO TELL ME.
CGA: Oh Not John Again
CGA: Karkat Seriously Its Worrying How Hung Up On Him You Seem To Be
CTC: i’m his motherfucking moirail.
CTC: I’LL BE THE ONE TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS QUADRANTS.
CGA: Ugh Just Go Away
CTC: disappointed i’m still here jadeblood
CTC: DISAPPOINTED I HAVEN’T PAINTED WITH YOU YET?
CAT: uH, gAMZEE,
CAT: aRE YOU, fEELING OKAY,
CCG: OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER IS NO. GAMZEE, SHOOSH. SHOOOOOOOOSH.
CCG: KANAYA, I KNOW YOU DON’T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT, BUT YOU NEED TO STOP MEDDLING WITH ME.
CAA: karkat can you please just tell us what happened?
CCG: NO.
CCG: ANYWAY, JOHN TOLD ME TO COME TO HIS ROOM FOR SOME KIND OF KAFFEEKLATSCH OF GLISTENING, IRIDESCENT LEADERSHIP.
CCG: WHEN I GOT THERE, HE OPENED THE DOOR
CCG: LET ME IN
CCG: TOLD ME TO MAKE MYSELF AT HOME
CCG: THEN WENT AND SAT DOWN ON THE FUCKING CONCUPISCIENT COUCH ALONG THE FAR WALL.
CCA: this is actually the most perfect thing i evver heard
CCA: hes even wworse at romance than all a you think i am
CCG: AND TOLD ME WHILE I WAS STARING AT HIM, FLABBERGASTED, WITH MY AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES QUAKING AND DISTURBED IN THEIR FLESHY CAVITIES.
CCT: D --> Vantas
CCT: D --> I insist you stop at once
CCT: D --> These kind of awful details will 100sen all our morals
CCG: “IT’S JUST A BED, KARKAT!”
CCG: “ALL THE HUMANS HAVE THEM. COME ON, SIT DOWN.”
CCG: THEY DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN THERE THEY COULD SLEEP ON.
CCG: THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE PILES.
CCG: WE’VE BEEN DOOMED TO LIVING WITH SEX ALIENS THAT WILL SOLICIT US CONSTANTLY BY TRYING TO GET US ONTO THEIR HUMAN CONCUPISCIENT COUCHES FOR THE NEXT SWEEP AND A HALF!
CAC: :// < jade would nefur do something like that!
CAC: :33 < are you sure you didnt mix up what he said or anything?
CGA: I Must Concur
CGA: Jade Is Approximately As Lascivious As Nepeta
CGA: And Rose Is Quite Reserved And Would Not Make Such A Blatantly Sexual Move
CGA: Without At Least A Month Of Carefully Planned Escalating Seduction Anyway
CCG: OH, WELL, GOOD THING YOU’RE ALMOST AT THE END OF THE MONTH.
CAT: i, dON’T THINK DAVE, wOULD DO THAT SORT OF COUCH GAMBIT EITHER,
CAT: hE IS MORE SENSITIVE THAN HE LOOKS,
CCG: MORE HOOFBEASTSHIT.
CGA: I Dont Think I Follow
CCG: OH COME ON.
CCG: YOU CAN’T SERIOUSLY THINK ANYBODY ON THE METEOR HASN’T WITNESSED THE TWO OF YOU BEING BLATANTLY FLUSHED IN PUBLIC.
CGA: We Are Not Blatantly Flushed
CGA: In Public
CCG: THE TWO OF YOU SPEND HALF THE TIME YOU’RE OUT HERE HOLDING HANDS AND THE OTHER HALF EITHER DEBATING DIRTY ROMANCE NOVELS OR MEASURING EACH OTHER FOR CLOTHES.
CCG: IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOU BLATANTLY DEFY MY AUTHORITY AND ENGAGE IN SLOPPY INTERSPECIES MAKEOUTS IN BROAD VIEW OF EVERY OTHER IMPRESSIONABLE SOULLESS HUSK OF A SGRUB PLAYER ON THIS ASTEROID.
CGA: There Is An Excellent Answer To That
CGA: At The Moment Though I Cant Think Of It
CGA: Rest Assured I Will Think Of My Snarky Comeback At A Later Time
CCG: CHEATER.
CGA: Suffice It To Say That If By Some Chance Rose And I Were In A Particular Stage Of Some Kind Of
CGA: Courtship
CGA: It Certainly Would Not Be The Stage To Be Thinking About Concupiscent Couches
CGA: And Rose At Least From What I Gather Is Not Yet Of The Correct Human Age To Be Engaging In Any Activities That Might Accompany Such A Couch Regardless Of What Trolls Of Our Age May Normally Do
CCG: HUMAN SEXUALITY IS CONFUSING.
CCG: NO. LET ME TRY AGAIN.
CCG: HUMAN SEXUALITY, AS THE KIND OF CONCEPT THAT DRAWS EVERY SCRAP OF NEARBY SENSE AND INTELLIGENCE TO ITSELF AND THEN CONSUMES THEM IN A SPRAY OF FIERY MORON ACID, IS FUCKING STUPID.
CGA: It Is Somewhat Complex Yes
CCG: AND I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW APPARENTLY THE GUYS ARE “NOT HOMOSEXUALS” BUT THE GIRLS
CCG: AREN’T “NOT HOMOSEXUALS”?
CGA: Karkat
CGA: If You For One Instant Thought That Rose Was Going To Follow The Human Norm On Something I Would Have To Ask If You Were The Same Person That Arrived On The Asteroid With The Rest Of Us
CGA: Seeing As How Im Pretty Sure You Have Met Her At Some Point And I Believe Have Actually Talked To Her For Longer Than Thirty Seconds
CAC: :33 < jades like a troll on this one actually!
CAC: :33 < she doesnt really understand why gender is a thing for them
CCG: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO REVISE MY OPINION OF THOSE TWO. THEY MAY IN FACT BE MINIMALLY SENSIBLE.
CCG: WHAT A STUPID THING TO GET WORKED UP ABOUT.
CCG: GENDER BASED ROMANCE PREFERENCES. BLUH.
CGA: Are We Done Here
CCG: NO, DAMN IT, THERE IS A CONCUPISCENT COUCH IN JOHN EGBERT’S HUMAN BEDROOM AND HE ASKED ME TO SIT ON IT!
CCG: AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY NONE OF YOU ARE FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS!
CCT: D --> My sincere apologies
CCT: D --> I am busy with a stack of towels
CCT: D --> Once I can bring myself to 100k back at the husktop for more than a few seconds I will be properly horrified
CGA: That Does Sort Of Beg The Question Of Why Gamzee Hasnt Said Anything About That Since
CGA: As Already Stated
CGA: He Is As Your Moirail The One Who Will Talk To You About Your Quadrants
CCG: THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE I MADE HIM BRING HIS HUSKTOP OVER TO ME AND I’M PAPPING HIM AS WE SPEAK AND TYPING WITH MY OTHER HAND.
CGA: I Realize My Typing Quirk Does Not Allow For This But
CGA: Ellipses
CGA: Lots Of Them
CCA: wwell kar its nice to see im not the only stupid douche on this memo
CGA: And You Need To Zip Your Horizontal Word Slit
CCA: such lowbrow language kan
CCA: wweh wweh wweh
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CAA: i dont know, i think this is all some kind of ridiculous miscommunication!
CAA: i mean weve had a lot of those
CAA: remember when the humans didnt realize grubloaf was actually made of grubs?
CAT: i BELIEVE,
CAT: wE HAD AGREED, nOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT, pARTICULAR INCIDENT,
CAA: oops sorry tavros!
CAA: anyway my point is for something this
CAA: extreme
CAA: if we didnt say anything and just assumed they were super sexual all the time and had just been working up to it all this time but then it turned out we were wrong
CAA: well wed feel pretty stupid!
CAA: so we really need to go ahead and ask them!
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THIS BOARD IS THAT I CAN DELETE IT SOON TO FORGET ALL THIS EVER HAPPENED.
CCG: ALL THE HUMANS, THIS TIME. AND ALL THE TROLLS. HERE AND NOW.
CCG: OR ACTUALLY. NO. WAIT. WE DON’T NEED ALL OF YOU AND YOU PISS ME OFF ANYWAY.
CCG: AT LEAST TWO HUMANS AND ANY OF THE TROLLS WHO’VE BEEN INTERACTING WITH THEM.
CCG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU MAGGOTBRAINED SLIPS OF PUTRESCENCE.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: tw: gross shit from vantass
CTG: with a nice little side of zombie imagery
CTG: this rhetoric tentaboner needs a censor you heard it here first
CCG: YEAH, IF ONLY YOU’D STARTED THE MEMO.
CCG: OH LET ME WEEP TEARS OF CORROSIVE RAGE BILE FROM MY SMELLY ALIEN RIVER EXCRETION EYE GLANDS.
CCG banned CTG from responding to memo.
CCG: NOW SOMEBODY GET ME SOME DIFFERENT HUMANS. ANY OF THEM WILL DO.
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: Was there some reason you’ve called us out?
CCG: YOU DON’T COUNT AS AN US UNTIL ONE OF YOUR NUBTOOTHED COMPATRIOTS JOINS YOU.
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: karkat, is everything okay?
CEB: you just sort of ran out earlier!
CEB: and then, um.
CEB: blocked me.
CTT: I take it there was something I missed.
CCG: MEGIDO, THIS WAS YOUR IDEA. YOU GET TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE THE FIRST BLOW FROM THE BONEBREAKING FORCE OF THEIR MALEVOLENT, RAMPAGING FORWARDNESS.
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: hey guys!
CAA: can you please tell us who you do on your human beds?
CEB: er…
CCG: WHAT. SHE MEANS WHAT.
CAA: wait no
CAA: yes
CAA: yes thats exactly what I meant!
CAA: oops sorry…
CTT: It’s good to see that, even without my ectobrother, Freud will still be present in some form.
CEB: beds are for sleeping!!!
CEB: why?
CTT: And for recreation.
CTT: ;)
CEB: rose!
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Rose I Thought We Had Agreed That You Would Not Use That Emoticon
CGA: And What Do You Mean By
CGA: Recreation
CTT: My apologies, Kanaya.
CTT: As for the recreation?
CEB: there’s absolutely no need for any kind of recreation discussion!
CEB: of any sort!
CEB: especially not one involving beds!!!
CEB: let’s keep this pg rated, we don’t know if any of the trolls are thirteen yet!
CGA: John
CGA: I Think You Would Probably Notice If Any Of Us Were As Old As Thirteen
CGA: We Are All Six Thank You Very Much
CEB: even worse. g rated!
CTT: Humans have a traditional pastime involving the bed.
CEB: rose what are you doing!!!!!
CTT: We like to jump on it as a form of play.
CTT: It’s regarded as extremely childish, but teenagers and even sometimes adults will do it to evoke nostalgia and unbridled hilarity.
CTT: I myself have never engaged in it, of course.
CTT: Why, John, what did you think I was going to say?
CEB: i think i need a moment to nurse my aching prankster’s gambit…
CGA: Rose In All Seriousness
CGA: If You Were To Invite Someone To Sit Down On Your Bed
CTT: Then, given the people who are likely, at some point, to end up in my bedroom, it would probably be you. Why?
CGA: What Would That Asalksdjasdl
CCG: IF THIS IS INTENDED AS SOME KIND OF LESSON ON THE HUMAN EUPHEMISM, IT IS ABOUT AS WARMLY WELCOMED AS A VIOLENT DOUCHECICLE WOULD WELCOME SOMEONE BRINGING HIM A NICE HOT MUG OF FUCK YOU WITH A RAKE AS HE TAKES UP HIS STRIFE SPECIBUS TO GO BACK ON WRITERRORIST WATCH ON A CONTESTED AND SNOWBOUND COLONY WORLD.
CEB: why would this be a lesson on the human euphemism?
CEB: karkat, what did i do when i asked you to sit??
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: wwhatever wwho cares
CCA: could someone just say already wwhat a human bed means
CCG banned CCA from responding to memo.
CCG: FUCK OFF. VERBAL PRODDING IS MY JOB.
CTT: I’ll make a brief visit to sincerity.
CTT: We use our beds for several activities. Sleep is the one we associate them with most.
CTT: It’s also used for seating, whether for ourselves or guests. Multiple people can sit on the same bed.
CTT: And the bed could be called the default location for sexual intercourse, although beds are hardly sex symbols.
CTT: And, for that matter, other locations are perfectly acceptable locations for coitus.
CTT: Like the floor. Or the wall. Or the table.
CCG: OH MY GOD.
CEB: rose, what are you saying?!?!?
CTT: Shh.
CCG: IF YOU AND KANAYA EVER GO ANYWHERE NEAR A PUBLIC TABLE TOGETHER EVER AGAIN
CEB: you can’t just talk about stuff like that!
CTT: It probably won’t be long before one interspecies couple or another bridges the anatomy gap, if there is one. It’s very important we straighten out this sort of crosscultural tripwire publicly and calmly, before people mess it up in private.
CTT: It seems you’ve already fallen over it with Karkat and landed head-first.
CTT: The logical extension of that line of thought is that beds must have a very different meaning to trolls. I hope you’re recovering well from whatever verbal iniquity I unleashed upon you, Kanaya.
CGA: Yes That
CGA: Was A Thing
CTT: Best wishes for your return to coherency.
CEB: …what interspecies couples?
CTT: ……
CCG: REALLY, JOHN?
CCG: REALLY?
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :// < …
CGA: Dot Dot Dot
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 13 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: dude are you serious
FTG: how oblivious do you have to be
CTT: …Future Dave, perhaps you’d like to provide an answer to his question?
FTG: what whys it have to be me
CTT: I don’t know how it can have escaped your attention, but yours is the only one that won’t require more than one explanation.
FTG: …whoops
FTG: right well uh john
CEB: …yeah?
FTG: ever since i was a little kid ive had this awful debilitating craving for snakelike teal sausage tentacle
FTG: ive been reliably informed that its freudian
FTG: i just have these constant urges to go ooh redglare ooh and get tinted slobber all over my face
FTG: mmm long delicious troll tongue i need it in my life to
FTG: nope fuck it im just going to say this
FTG: me and terezi are shacking up
FTG: im mpreg and its hers
FTG: each glorious comic i turn out is one of our bastard love children
FTG: sbahj courtship and chalk courtroom marriage
FTG: sir may i recommend the tentabulge surprise its excellent
FTG: real specialty here aboard the uss universe hopping asteroid
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 23 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Nepeta, get off this memo immediately
FCT: D --> In fact I abso100tely forbid you from joining any more memos where Strider is a participant
FCT: D --> He is without fail 100d beyond any hope of description or e%planation
CAC: :33 < Equius, this conpurrns me too!
FCT: D --> Vantas
FCT: D --> Please
FCT: D --> If you would
CCG: EVEN IF I BAN HER FROM RESPONDING, SHE CAN STILL READ IT.
CCG: SO.
CCG banned FCT from responding to memo.
CTT: John.
CTT: You had better respond.
CEB: well i mean i’m cool with it but…
CEB: an alien?
CEB: and… terezi?
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH TEREZI?
CEB: nothing, nothing! i don’t mean anything bad by it!
CEB: it’s just… she’s not exactly… what you could call normal.
CTT: If you were looking for normal within this particular friend group, I am afraid you have been doomed to failure from the start.
FTG: yeah and while im at it
FTG: why the hell not an alien
CEB: it’s just… a little ironic even for you!
FTG: are you shitting me
PAST arachnidsGrip [CAG] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: ........
CCG: NO AND FUCK NO. DO NOT BRING YOUR WIGGLER STYLE NARCISSIST DRAMA IN HERE.
CCG banned PAG from responding to memo.
FTG: okay the announcement was cloaked in ironic embellishments but so the fuck what i mean i was the one saying it
FTG: the sentiment of that series of statements was utterly honest
FTG: and also the first sentiment ive had to publicly express in two years so thanks for ruining my winning streak
CEB: heheh, dave, you break your own record every time you start crying a little behind those shitty sunglasses and have to pretend the rest of us can’t see!
FTG: my irony is not even the issue here
FTG: and for the record i dont actually do that
FTG: just in case any of you morons reading this were going to think that was a thing
CEB: i mean as long as you’re happy it’s none of my business?
CEB: i just… need a little time to get used to the idea!
FTG: oh uh
FTG: got it then
FTG: me and the teal sausage owner will try not to make out in public i guess
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: 1N PUBL1C >;]
CGC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: WOULD YOU LOT SHUT UP ABOUT THIS ALREADY.
CCG: I FEEL THE NEED TO GAG, BUT I CAN ALWAYS RUN OVER TO YOU AND AIM BEFORE I VOMIT MY ANGER RAINBOWS, STRIDER.
FTG: anyway there you have it
FTG: interspecies diplomacy at its finest, exhibit a
FTG ceased responding to memo.
CEB: i, uh, okay.
CEB: …wait, how many interspecies relationships are there, anyway?!
CEB: …and why didn’t I know about them until now? :(
CTT: I’m going to redirect that first question to our mysteriously silent master of shipping, with the caveat that she should only count relationships that, in her eyes , are either established or nearly so.
CAC: :33 < thanks rose!
CAC: :33 < its not really my business to speak right now since humans have weird wardrobe practices that i dont understand
CEB: wardrobe practices? what wardrobe practices?
CAC: :33 < but i can purrtainly answer that question!
CAC: :33 < right now there are four human-troll relationships!
CAC: :// < or, well, about four, im not really sure which are really relationships and which are just… suggestive interactions
CAC: :33 < and there could always be others that i dont know about!
CAC: :33 < actually im pretty sure there are judging by what was said purrlier
CAC: :33 < and right now now that im thinking about it
CEB: four?!
CEB: how do you have four relationships between the three of oh.
CEB: am i allowed to know what quadrants they are?
CTT: You can answer that one as well, Nepeta.
CAC: :33 < three matespritships and a kismesissitude!
CEB: seriously? one of you guys has a kismesis?
CEB: that’s the LAST relationship i thought a human would end up with!
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: ................................................................
CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.
CCG: SERKET. STOP RESPONDING. JUST STOP.
CCG: YOU HAVE TOO MUCH INVESTED IN THE HUMANS TO CASUALLY FUCK THEM UP.
CTT: Please don’t regard any of her fucking me up as casual.
CEB: and all three of you have matespritships? why didn’t any of you tell me?
CEB: …why have you and jade still not told me?
CTT: We’re going to move on now.
CTT: Perhaps Karkat could explain exactly why this was a problem in the first place?
CCG: THIS IMBECILIC WORK OF SHITTY ART INVITED ME BACK TO HIS ROOM TO “TALK” AND THEN ASKED ME TO SIT DOWN ON HIS BED.
CTT: Karkat.
CTT: As I just explained, humans sit on their beds with guests all the time.
CTT: It doesn’t usually mean anything to us. If you neglect to explain your reaction, we’ll never understand what’s happening.
CGA: The Item Of Respiteblock Furniture That Humans Call Beds Is Known To Alternians As A Concupiscent Couch
CGA: It Is Used Exclusively For Um
CGA: Putting This As Delicately As I Can
CGA: Sex
CGA: As Such It Is Kept In An Extra Room Called A Couchblock Rather Than The Respiteblock
CGA: An Invitation Such As The One That John Made Would Be Extremely Forward
CGA: Its Basically Saying Tear Off My Enveloping Laundry And Have Your Way With Me
CEB: that’s not what i meant at all!!!!!!!!!!!
CEB: crap karkat i’m sorry!
CEB: i just meant to talk to you about some stuff. :(
CEB: i didn’t want to proposition you like that and make you freak out so badly and be uncomfortable and run out shrieking!
CAC: :33 < shrieking?
CCG banned CAC from responding to memo.
CCG: SHUT THE HELL UP. NOBODY WAS SHRIEKING.
CCG: YOU WERE SHRIEKING.
CEB: …you-me or you-nepeta?
CCG: YOU-ME.
CCG: I MEAN, YOU-YOU.
CCG: THE POINT IS, I WASN’T SHRIEKING!
CTT: Shrieking aside, I believe I have an apology of my own to make.
CTT: I certainly didn’t mean to suggest anything that dirty in public, Kanaya.
CTT: I hope you can forgive me.
CGA: Dont Worry About It
CGA: After All While Our Species Know So Little Of Each Other Such Misunderstandings And Mistakes Are Only To Be Expected
CGA: I Was Fine Just A Bit Flustered
CTT: Thank you for understanding.
CTT: And I’m glad you’ve sustained no permanent embarrassment damage.
CEB: so uh…
CEB: rose!
CEB: you have a matesprit!
CEB: that’s definitely not a surprise, ha ha ha! why wouldn’t you have one!
CTT: I’m sorry for not telling you, John.
CTT: And for still not telling you.
CTT: The simple fact of the matter is that I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet. Certainly not on a public memo.
CEB: …so can you tell me in private?
CCG: EGBERT, LEAVE HER ALONE AND GET YOUR JUTTING SNIFFER ORGAN OUT OF HER OTHER QUADRANTS.
CCG: YOU LOT ARE FRIENDS, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP PUTTING OFF TELLING YOU FOREVER.
CTT: Exactly.
CTT: I’ve never been a particularly forthcoming person, and as per the nature of relationships begun in adolescence, it’s not particularly well-defined.
CTT: But, yes, eventually I will tell you.
CEB: can i just ask why i can’t know now?
CTT: John, I already told you, I’m not comfortable with telling you right now.
CTT: I’m. Not entirely sure what is going on.
CTT: Besides which, you have already hung around your neck the albatross of strangely conservative word choice.
CEB: …wait, what?
CCG: LEAVE OFF, DIPSHIT. STRANGE WARDROBE PRACTICES, REMEMBER?
CCG banned CEB from responding to memo.
CCG: KEEP READING, THOUGH.
CCG: LOOK, I’M
CCG: SORRY I DIDN’T AT LEAST ASK WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
CCG: REGARDLESS OF HUMAN “NOT A HOMOSEXUAL” PRACTICES, I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED YOU WOULDN’T JUST RANDOMLY PROPOSITION ME IN SUCH A DIRTY WAY.
CCG: IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. EVEN THAT TIME WHEN YOU DUMPED A BUCKET ON MY HEAD, IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS THE ONLY ONE.
CCG: WHEN YOU’RE DIRTY, YOU’RE DIRTY TO EVERYONE.
CTT: I don’t think that’s a necessary apology. It was only natural, considering your culture.
CCG: I WILL APOLOGIZE WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT AND YOU ALL WILL TAKE MY APOLOGIES AND TAKE THEM GLADLY.
CTT: Well.
CGA: Do It Rose
CGA: It Will Make Him Feel Better
CTT: In the name of interstellar friendship, then.
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DEDICATION IS THAT?
CTT: Your other option is ‘in the name of sloppy interspecies makeouts.’
CTT: I could have let you choose one, but I thought the end result was obvious.
CCG: …POINT TAKEN, LALONDE.
CCG: YOU DEVIOUS FUCKING WITCH.
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: No, Karpkat, that’s M-E!!! 38)
CCG: FUCK NO.
CCG: HELL FUCKING NO.
CCG: YOU HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT WE’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WHILE YOU AND SOLLUX WERE OFF GLUBBING.
CCG: WHATEVER GLUBBING ACTUALLY MEANS. I GUESS IT’S POSSIBLE YOU WERE BEING DIRTIER THAN US ALL ALONG.
CCG banned CCC from responding to memo.
CTT: I suppose I just have one question.
CGA: And What Is That Rose
CTT: This whole interaction struck me as a very reasonable model of how things- items, ideas, and so on- from your culture manifested in our own culture as a result of you creating our universe.
CTT: But your culture didn’t make Sgrub or Sburb. The game is the product of some greater process.
CTT: So what was your collective reaction to the quest beds?
CGA: Well Um
CGA: When We Saw Them
CCG: WE SAW THEM.
CCG: WE FIGURED OUT WHAT THEY WERE.
CCG: AND WE STAYED THE FUCK AWAY.
CCG: EXCEPT FOR VRISKA AND ARADIA. BECAUSE THE DEAD AND VRISKA HAVE NO SHAME.
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [CTC] 2928 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: AnD fUcK, bRo, ThEy AiN’t ThE oNlY oNeS! :o)
FTC: HoNk HoNk!!!
CGA: Oh Fuck You No
CGA: Unacceptable
FTC: CaLm YoUr RuMbLe GlObEs, GlOwSiS
CCG banned CGA from responding to memo.
FTC: I cAn MoThErFuCkIn FlY!!!
CCG banned CTC from responding to memo.
CCG: THAT IS IT.
CCG: SORRY, LALONDE, BUT THIS RUMPUS PARTY TOWN HAS BEEN CITED FOR ITS FINAL COUNT OF DIPSHITTERY.
CCG: THE POLICEXTERMINATORS DECLARE IT CULLED AND CLOSED.
CCG banned CTT from responding to memo.
CCG banned CAA from responding to memo.
CCG stopped responding to memo.
CCG closed memo.