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Todomatsu could see his breath each time he exhaled, but that was to be expected when one was standing out in the open in the middle of winter. Instead of huddling around the kotatsu with his brothers, drinking warm tea, and laughing about something stupid, he was standing outside the train station, dressed from head to toe in his winter outfit.
A sharp gust of wind blew across his face, making him squeak in shock. He tugged the scarf up more around his face, trying to cover it as much as he could while still being able to breathe. Despite the fact he was wearing gloves, he could still feel the cold seeping into his hands, so he quickly shoved them into the pocket of his thick winter jacket. He would probably have to save up some money and buy a thicker pair.
“Geez, what’s taking him so long?” He muttered to himself. “He better not stand me up.”
Despite his words, he knew this person would never do that without a good reason. The person was the kindest, sweetest person Todomatsu had ever met. He was the type that would lend anyone a hand, even if he never knew them. It honestly surprised him that people didn’t take advantage of him, but luckily the person also had wits and could tell when someone was trying to scam him.
He was brought out of his thoughts when a cold hand was suddenly pressed against a part of his cheek the scarf had failed to cover up. He let out a squeak and jumped away. He brought a gloved hand to press against his cheek and glared at the person who had touched him. “Atsushi-kun!”
Standing beside him was a man in his twenties. Unlike Todomatsu who was decked out in winter clothing, Atsushi only had a coat and a scarf on to protect him from the winter. The same outfit he wore every year for the winter, no matter how cold it got, yet he insisted it kept him warm.
Atsushi chuckled. It was light and soft, causing Todomatsu’s heart to race a little. He wouldn’t admit it, but he loved the sound of Atsushi’s laughter, of his voice. “Sorry, sorry,” Atsushi said with a voice just as light, “it’s just you looked deep in thought, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.”
Todomatsu huffed. “Just for that, you’re buying me hot chocolate.” He tugged at his scarf, pulling it up again to cover his face.
Atsushi chuckled again. “Of course. Anything for my prince.”
Todomatsu blushed at the nickname. He hoped the scarf covered it. He didn’t want Atsushi to know just how much he made Todomatsu feel flustered. It was so easy for the other man to make him melt just from his words alone, and it wasn’t fair. Todomatsu was supposed to be the smooth talker of the two! Deep down he knew that Atsushi knew what his words and actions did to him, but he chose to ignore it and live in denial that he was able to keep his emotions hidden from him like he could everyone else.
“That’s right,” he huffed, putting up his defense. He smiled sweetly and took ahold of Atsushi’s hand. “Now come on before I freeze to death.”
“So good!” Todomatsu squealed as he sipped his drink. With each drink, he could feel the hot liquid warm his body up. It was such a wonderful feeling that one could only experience in the wintertime.
The two of them were currently sitting inside a coffee shop. Even though the place wasn’t busy, with only a handful of other people besides them there, they had chosen to sit at a table in the corner of the shop for some privacy. The shop was warm enough for them to take off their winter items and sit comfortably. Todomatsu noticed that while he was dressed in his cutest winter outfit (pink sweater, pink fleece pants, and pink winter boots), Atsushi was dressed in the suit he always wore.
Normally Atsushi would have dressed in a more winter-appropriate look, but in the past few years, he had just worn his suit. Todomatsu said nothing. He knew exactly why Atsushi did this, but he refused to think about it. Right now he just wanted to focus on his hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream on top.
He looked up when he heard a chuckle from Atsushi. “Todomatsu,” he said, “you’ve got some whipped cream on your nose.”
“Ah, do I?” Todomatsu blushed. He normally wouldn’t have been so careless, but being around Atsushi allowed him to lower his guard and just enjoy the moment. When he was around him he didn’t have to think about the best ways to present himself. He didn’t have to act cute to make Atsushi like him. He could be catty, he could shout, heck he could even be his heartless self and Atsushi would still think he was cute.
He was the one person outside of his family with whom he could be himself around without being judged.
He reached for a napkin to wipe his nose when he felt a hand on his, stopping him. “Let me,” Atsushi said. He took the napkin and wiped the cream from his nose for him.
Todomatsu giggled and smiled. He always loved when Atsushi doted on him. He loved the feeling of butterflies that fluttered in his stomach when Atsushi held his hand, ran his hand through his hair, or when he held him close. He loved the feeling of electricity that coursed through him each time Atsushi’s lip met his. He loved every reaction that Atsushi made him feel, and knew he would never tire of it.
Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a few people looking at them. Instead of looks of envy or jealousy, they were looking at them like they were strange. He spotted one couple whispering to each other, no doubt about them.
Instantly the butterflies disappeared. His stomach twisted into knots and his heart sank. He hated when people stared at him like that. Like he was a freak. He tried so hard to appear like a normal, socially acceptable person so that he could crawl his way into actually becoming one, so seeing people look at him like that made all his efforts seem wasted.
‘Why can’t they just mind their own business?’ He thought to himself. ‘It’s not like we’re hurting anyone.’
“Todomatsu?”
His gaze shifted away from the people and focused again on Atsushi. He was frowning. His normal droopy eyelids were raised, his eyebrows up and knotted together, and his chocolate-colored eyes looked at him with so much concern and worry that it almost made Todomatsu whine. “Are you ok?”
It was so unfair that Atsushi could look sexy even when he looked like a kicked puppy. The look was enough to get Todomatsu’s heart to flutter, even though it was uncalled for in this situation. Though, it did lessen the pain from the others’ stares.
He smiled softly and nodded. “Yeah, sorry. Just got distracted. So, guess what Sacchi did!”
Atsushi smiled and relaxed at Todoamtsu’s cheerful voice. He smirked and placed his head on his hand. “Tell me.”
“It was so embarrassing! Can you believe it?!” Todomatsu shouted before busting out into laughter.
Atsushi chuckled. “That’s Normalmatsu for you.”
The two walked hand in hand down the main street of town. Normally they would avoid the area and take a more deserted route, but with how cold it was that year not many people were out. He liked it. Not only were there a lot fewer people to stare at and judge them, but he could look at all the decorations the town set up with Atsushi. Something that they hadn’t been able to do in years.
Once he calmed down from his laughter he took a moment to look around at the decorations. Most of the stores were already dressed up in lights and Christmas decorations, with the larger stores having Christmas trees in their windows for all to see. Ever since he was a child he loved seeing the Christmas decorations. Of course back then he loved it because it meant Santa would soon arrive and deliver him and his brothers their presents.
When he grew older and outgrew that childish belief, he loved Christmas for the possibility that he would get a date and enjoy it with them. Year after year that belief was shattered and he was forced to have Christmas at home with his brothers and exchange gifts with them, but that all changed when he dated Atsushi.
He remembered their first Christmas together: They went out to a fancy restaurant to enjoy dinner together, then they walked around town enjoying the lights and the giant Christmas tree in the center of town, then Todomatsu’s brothers showed up to spy on his date. After he chased them away (while Atsushi stood in the background laughing), they went back to Atsushi’s place to exchange gifts and cuddle while watching a Christmas movie.
It was everything Todomatsu could have wanted and more. Everything he had dreamed of ever since he was a teenager.
‘Too bad we can’t do that again…’ Todomatsu thought bitterly. He bit his lip when he felt tears starting to prick his eyes. ‘No, not this year.’ He shook his head.
“Todomatsu?”
“Hm?” He turned his head to look at Atsushi.
“Are you ok? I asked you a question and you didn’t respond.”
“Ah, I’m ok.” He tried to ignore the growing pain in his chest. He forced a smile, hoping to push it down. “I was just lost in thought. What did you ask?”
“I asked if you had any plans for Christmas.”
The question felt like a stab to his heart, almost pushing him over the edge. He stopped in his tracks outside of a clothing store to look at Atsushi. His eyes were wide with tears in them, threatening to spill if he so much as blinked. His mouth dropped open into a small O, unable to get any words out.
Atsushi’s head shot back at the look. Immediately he looked just as worried as he had been at the coffee shop, yet he didn’t retract his question or apologize. Instead, he sighed. “Todomatsu…I know it’s hard.”
“S-stop,” Todomatsu’s voice was soft and shaky.
“I know last year all your brothers had dates.”
“No..” Todomatsu whined. He shut his eyes as tight as he could. Why? Why did Atsushi have to do this now?
“I don’t want you to be alone again…”
Why did he have to do this every year? Why couldn’t they just have one year without this conversation?
“I think it’s time you mo–”
“STOP IT!”
The world seemed to stop at his shout. What little people were out had stopped in their tracks to stare at him. He kept his head down so he wouldn’t see them, but he could feel their judging stares on him. His cheeks burned brightly as hot tears poured down his face, and this time he didn’t try to stop or hold them back.
Who cared if they were staring at him? That didn’t matter. They didn’t matter! What mattered was talking to Atsushi.
“Just…just stop,” he choked, sniffing. “Why…why did you have to bring it up? Why...” He gasped as a sudden sob broke from his mouth, causing his whole body to shake.
He gasped as coldness suddenly enveloped him. It felt like the wind had passed through all his clothes to attack his naked body. He lifted his head to see Atsushi hugging him. The taller man had his head buried into Todomatsu’s neck, causing a chill to go down his spine. “I’m sorry…” Atsushi whispered, “I don’t want to upset you, but…it’s a talk we need to have.”
Todomatsu’s lip trembled. He wrapped his arms around him and clung to his jacket. He knew he was right. He knew that Atsushi would never say anything harsh just to upset him, and that he only had the NEET’s best interest in mind, but that did little to soften the pain in his chest.
Nothing would fully fix the hole in his heart, but he still had to take steps to heal it, or he’d never truly be whole again.
They stayed clinging to each other for who knows how long. People eventually stopped staring and continued on their way, though some still gave him wary glances. He didn’t care. All he cared about was being held by Atsushi, not caring in the slightest as he froze.
After what seemed like hours Atsushi finally spoke. “It’s time I go home.”
Todomatsu clung to him tighter. He wanted to cry, to shout, to beg Atsushi not to let go, to hold him forever, but he knew that was impossible.
Swallowing down his words and tears, he instead allowed Atsushi to pull away and with a small smile said, “ok. Let’s go.”
The walk to the train station wasn’t as long as Todomatsu had hoped it would be, but perhaps that was a good thing as they were running out of time. It had started to snow by the time they arrived and he felt like he had taken an ice bath. He would no doubt be sick tomorrow, but for once he didn’t care. He’d take the risk of catching a cold if it meant he could spend time with Atsushi.
They stopped in front of a large pile of rubble. What had once been the largest landmark in town, was now a collapsed pile of rubble. Sitting in front of the rubble was a large headstone with countless names carved onto its surface. Stretched out all across the rubble were flowers, gifts, cards, and other things people often left at memorials.
Todomatsu silently stepped towards the headstone. He didn’t have to look at the long list, for he knew exactly where the name he was looking for was:
Fukuyama Atsushi
He closed his eyes. He could still remember the event that had taken place three years ago:
He was seated in the living room of his family’s home, scrolling through his social media while Choromatsu watched the news on the TV. He had been excited all day. Atsushi had left for a business trip a few weeks ago and was finally returning home. It had been torture for the NEET not to be able to see him in person, though they still spoke through texts and calls when they could.
He was waiting for the text from Atsushi to say that he had arrived home so the NEET could go over and they could make up for lost time with kisses and hugs. It was all he had been thinking about that whole day, and he was expecting the text any moment.
“Todomatsu…isn’t that Atsushi’s train?”
He could hear the fear in his older brother’s voice, but he wasn’t sure why until he raised his head toward the TV.
Everything stopped.
It was an emergency news report about a train derailing as it was pulling into the station. It came off the tracks and crashed through the station, killing all the people waiting for the passengers and random bystanders.
The train that Atsushi would be riding, and the station he would be stopping at.
The next events were blurry but it somehow ended with him on the floor outside the door, crying and screaming, trying to grab at the front door, while all his brothers held him down, with one of them shouting, “you can’t go there!”
It had taken the emergency team weeks to clear through the rubble to confirm his worst fear: there were no survivors, and Atsushi had been on that train.
It took almost a full year for them to clear the train and (most) of the bodies, leaving behind the rubble that now sat before him. The government had talked about clearing the rubble and building a new train station over it, but an outcry from the families of the lost ones had convinced them to leave it. The families didn’t want to disrupt the souls of accident or something. Todomatsu wasn’t sure.
Most of that year was a giant blur to him as he just went through the motions of life, only doing what he needed to do to survive to the next day. He had vague memories of his brothers talking to him, his mother crying, being in a room he had never been in with a woman sitting across from him while she wrote on a clipboard, and then finally standing in front of the headstone.
He wasn’t sure how he had gotten there. All he knew was he was alone, crying, and standing in the snow in nothing except his pajamas with the sun just starting to rise. He had guessed that he somehow sneaked out of the house and had walked all the way there without anyone noticing.
He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there, but he could tell that if he stayed any longer he would no doubt die from the cold weather.
‘Good,’ he remembered thinking to himself. He fell to his knees. ‘I don’t want to live in a world without Atsushi anyway…’
He had closed his eyes, fully intending on freezing to death, when he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. He would have ignored it, if not for the sweet voice he heard next. “Totty.”
He had lifted his head and saw standing beside him, looking just as handsome as the NEET remembered, was Atsushi.
“Totty, it’s time.”
He opened his eyes and saw Atsushi standing beside him, looking just as he had those three years ago.
He nodded and took a few steps back. He watched as Atsushi slowly walked over to him. “Close your eyes,” Atsushi said.
Todomatsu did as he was asked. He always hated this part, because he knew when he opened them, Atsushi wouldn’t be there anymore.
Most people thought spirits could roam wherever and do whatever they wanted, but they were wrong. Just like life, death had rules as well: only people connected to the spirits could see them, spirits could only touch the people they were connected to and nothing else, they could only roam in the area they had died, and they could only come back on the anniversary of their death for a few hours.
Atsushi had no family, so the only person that could see him was Todomatsu, his boyfriend. To everyone else, it looked as if Todomatsu was a nut that was talking to his imaginary friend. While he hated the way they looked at him, he couldn’t blame them. If he were in their shoes he would give himself the same look.
Since Atsushi had died at the town square near the town, he could only walk around the town. They had tried to walk past the town limits, but something kept Atsushi from moving. He had described it as a force field keeping him blocked. Atsushi couldn’t touch things, so doing things like wiping the cream from Todomatsu’s nose was all of Todomatsu’s doing, with both of them pretending it was Atsushi like it was some roleplay. It made them happy though.
The biggest thing though was how the spirits appeared: They would first appear as they had right before their death, looking just as alive as they had, and wearing what they had on. Three years ago the winter hadn’t been that bad, allowing Atsushi to get away with only wearing his wool coat and a scarf.
As the hours dragged on though, their bodies would look just as they had when they died. Todomatsu never knew what he looked like at that moment, since he always made him close his eyes. Atsushi had once described it as “an awful nightmare that would make even the hardest of men faint.”
Todomatsu bit his lip. He didn’t want to cry. He always cried. He didn’t want to end the day in tears, but no matter how hard he tried the tears always escaped.
He jolted when he felt the cold touch of Atsushi’s hand on his cheek, wiping away his tears. He started to open his eyes, but a soft “no'' from Atsushi kept them closed. He whined when he felt a kiss press against his forehead.
“Todomatsu, I need you to listen to me.” He said. He didn’t continue until Todomatsu nodded. “I love you. I love you so, so much. I wanted to spend all my life with you, and in a way I had.” He chuckled weakly.
A sob escaped Todomatsu.
“S-sorry. I know that wasn’t funny,” Atsushi sighed. “What I’m trying to say is…while I wanted to spend my life with you, my life is over. I’ve enjoyed spending these extra years with you, but…this isn’t healthy. You need to find someone else to spend the rest of your life with.”
“N-no! I want that person to be you!”
Todomatsu went to put his hand on Atsushi’s, but it went straight through and he ended up touching his cheek. He let out a wail. It wouldn’t be long now until Atsushi was gone.
“I-I know…” Atsushi’s voice cracked. Todomatsu heard him gasp as if he was trying to keep himself from crying. It made his heart break. “I know,” Atsushi continued, “but it can’t. You need someone you can spend more than one day with. Someone who can be there for you when you’re going through hard times. Someone you can plan a future with. Someone…someone alive.”
“B-but…I want you.” Todomatsu’s voice was barely above a whisper. He knew Atsushi was right. He knew he was just being a spoiled, selfish brat by making Atsushi appear in the mortal realm instead of just resting, but.. “But…it’s so hard.”
“I know, but you can do it. I believe in you. Please, Todomatsu…please try to find someone and move on.”
Todomatsu couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. He wailed as loud as he could, not caring if anyone heard him, not caring if his tears froze to his face, and not caring about the snot coming out of his nose. He was hurting and he needed to let it out.
“I’ll always love you,” Atsushi whispered. Todomatsu felt a cold pressure on his lips for a moment before it suddenly vanished.
Todomatsu opened his eyes and instead of seeing the smiling face of Atsushi, he saw the lifeless headstone standing before him.
“Atsushi…why?” He coughed, wiping his eyes. “Why do you have to do what’s best for me? Why can’t you just be selfish and want me only for yourself?! TELL ME!” He shouted at the headstone, but he knew he wouldn’t receive an answer.
Atsushi wouldn’t come back for another year. He always came back, but Todomatsu knew it wasn’t for himself. It was to keep Todomatsu happy and safe.
If Atsushi hadn’t appeared all those years ago, Todomatsu truly would have died and left his family to grieve. Even in death Atsushi was caring and worried about him. He truly wanted Todomatsu to be happy in life, even if it was without him.
Could Todomatsu continue to keep being the selfish one in this relationship?
His phone vibrated, bringing him out of his thoughts. He took his phone out of his pocket and–after removing one of his gloves–unlocked it. He saw Sacchi had messaged him.
From: Sacchi.
“Hey, Totty! Do you want to come to a mixer with us? I know you’ve been avoiding them since…but I thought maybe you’d want to come to this one?”
Immediately he typed “no” into the box, but before he could send the message, he paused.
“Please, Todomatsu…please try to find someone and move on.”
He sighed. Maybe he could give it a try. Atsushi would always have a place in his heart, and no one would ever replace him, but…but maybe he could find someone that could make his days happier. Maybe he should move on. If not for him, then for Atsushi.
He erased his message and typed out a new one.
To: Sacchi.
Text: Actually, I would love to go! When were you thinking?
He turned and headed home, all the while typing his plans for a Christmas mixer with Sacchi.