Work Text:
“Ah, Captain Kaeya. How nice of you to join us today!” Lisa greets him as he struts in a half hour late to this week’s second officer meeting. These meetings are supposed to be an hour long. He missed the first one on Monday. For important reasons.
He was drinking. But also for important reasons.
“Well,” Kaeya replies smoothly, “I couldn’t leave you all in suspense until Monday.” He doesn’t sit. Something is wrong, his instincts are telling him. Immediately, his big brain is on high alert taking in all possible information. Lisa greeted him first, not Jean. Lisa is excited about his presence enough to beat Jean to the punch. That is unusual. Lisa also called him Captain. She’s up to something. Unease leaks under his skin. None of it shows.
“Good afternoon, Kaeya,” Jean sighs from her place at the head of the meeting table, “Then I hope you have something to report?” Hope, she says. Oh goodness, she must be tired. Of course, he does.
“Of course I do,” Kaeya smiles, still standing as other officers sit around the conference table, “I would like you to know that the Treasure Hoarder group that’s been accosting adventurers at the foot of Dragonspine will no longer be accosting adventurers.”
He started the project Monday, during the officer's meeting, by greeting a Treasure Hoarder at Angel’s Share for drinks (only Charles serves that early in the afternoon so he needn’t worry about being yelled at by a generally angry crimson-haired former knight who remembers the dates and times of officer meetings). A trip around the foot of Dragonspine for a couple of days, severing Hoarder networks, and by Thursday afternoon, he’s dusting his hands off after a job well done. Easy peasy. He does this all the time.
So why does it feel so different this time? High-alert-brain means he’s reading everything, like the tired but amused glint in Jean’s eyes, and the lazy librarian nearly vibrating in anticipation. The other Captains and important officers seem excited as well, sitting on the edge of their seats, looking at him like they’re planning his surprise party while he’s in the room. Kaeya is not excited. This is dreadful.
“That’s good to hear, Kaeya,” Jean says with a slight smile.
Kaeya fights the urge to fidget, “No need to get too excited,” He prods, before crossing his arms in a lazy hold, “Did I miss something?”
Lisa flies into action, waiting for this very moment with a trap he fell right into, “I am so glad you asked, dear Captain,” The feeling of unease grows, “On Monday morning I spoke with Barbara, and she gave me the most wonderful idea to wrap up the season, after such a memorable Weinlesefest.”
Kaeya gets the feeling he should have skipped out on this meeting too.
She approaches him, and he eyes her warily, “At Monday’s meeting we announced a contest, got funding from a donor, and had a whole bunch of notable knights and citizens sign up to participate by Tuesday afternoon.”
By then, Kaeya had already been to one hideout and was on his way to inspect more. This build-up she’s creating is really making him nervous.
“And by yesterday evening, all the votes came in!” Lisa’s eyes glow in delight, and she claps her hands together. He actually flinches and then curses himself for it.
“And?” He dares to ask.
“For the Favonius-hosted Contest of Mondstadt’s Best Butt, you, my dear, have made it to the top three!”
Kaeya freezes. A Mondstadt butt contest. Pardon? Did he hear that right? A contest for ass? Words fail him.
She continues, despite his brain rapidly ascending to Celestia, “You’re to be in the finals this afternoon to decide who has the best ass in all of Mondstadt!”
His system overloads from the sudden heat and the electro-mage’s decree.
“And how did that happen…?” The sound comes weakly out of his mouth as his spirit leaves with it.
Lisa twirls her hair, enjoying this, the sadist, “It was a democratic vote, sweetie, they voted for you and those sweet cheeks of yours! They’re looking at you, dear!”
They’re looking at him…? But not him, at his butt? Huh? Thoughts slow, how think?
“I made it to the finals as well!” Eula proclaims in the background, but Kaeya’s mind has already spiraled like the Abyss Gate at Musk Reef.
How did he get into this? He can’t even wrap his big brain around it, let alone his ass. People are looking at his butt? Enough for a large portion of the population to nominate him for an ass contest? And for him to make it to the top? Embarrassment floods him so suddenly that he isn’t quite prepared for the fallout inside his head hole. Kaeya hasn’t been this uncomfortable in years and he can’t even sparse out why, because he does take pride in his appearances. Shouldn’t he be happy about this? Why isn’t he happy about this? Some happiness about the situation would certainly make him feel better.
He loves his uniform. He helped design it himself. His favorite color scheme, with gold cause he enjoys it, and some things stuck with him after living with the Ragnvindrs like adding expensive accessories. Some people only respect wealth and it helps if he looks the part. It’s flashy and dazzling and eye-catching, and the uniform is made for the job. Pants come in many styles, but the current fashion all over Teyvat’s best is tight breeches. Which looked great with the rest of his uniform. Only, he didn’t calculate that people were looking at the wrong end. After all his hard work too.
He takes such great care of his front because that’s the side he uses to get what he wants. Never did he think to worry about his backside, that’s what the cape was for. His words, his handsome face, the lovelock, and expensive fur, it’s all to complete the carefully crafted look. And they’re looking at his butt? Is it all for naught? Could he just throw on a cut brown paper bag and some pants and get the same results?
His mouth is open but no sound comes out. A true malfunction in his head hole. His ears are on fire. Good thing he’s not a pyro user cause then they truly would be on fire. Cryo vision, why aren’t you working? Some temperature regulation, please?
Apparently not. Because his big brain malfunction is preventing him from using any concentration to cool himself off. Poor fella.
“It’s 18 years or older, and everyone involved has given their consent before the initial voting,” Lisa adds, almost as an afterthought. Oh, goody, at least it wasn’t for kids and they got consent.
Kaeya blinks because he didn’t do one of those things, “I don’t recall agreeing to do this.”
“Well,” Lisa smiles, “Since you weren’t here for the announcement…”
Then she lets everyone else fill in the blanks.
“We all thought you would love to be involved,” Hertha says.
“So we all agreed to sign you up anyway,” says Huffman.
Kaeya starts to really feel hot. This must be revenge, he thinks. This is karma for the Darknight Hero fiasco. This is how he ends. Damn it, Huffman.
“Am I hearing,” He pauses for emphasis, “that you all agreed to give my consent for me, for a competition that needs consent?” He draws out.
Everyone collectively nods, murmuring in agreement.
“This is just the thing for you, Captain Kaeya!” Somebody says.
“We all know how you take pride in your looks!”
“You’re alright with this, right Kaeya?” Jean asks. She’s looking at him like he might try to jump out the window and she will need to convince him not to. A window which he may be, in fact, contemplating. It’s not like he hasn’t done it before.
Thinking of how many ways to get out of this, including the window, he responds with a smile, “Perfectly alright! It sounds delightful.” He needs a timeline so he can figure out how much time he has to plan an escape, “When does it start?”
Lisa studies her nails, a pleased look in her eyes, “Oh, about twenty minutes, deary.”
What?
“What? Twenty minutes?” Kaeya’s shock leaks through his brain onto his face, which he usually has more control over, but all systems are failing, “And you didn’t think to give me more time to prepare?” (An escape.)
“Kaeya,” Jean says softly with her cute little lamb eyes, and Kaeya realizes he is reacting more than he intended, oops, “This is the first anyone has seen you since before the contest was announced.”
Now that he thinks about it, the people of Mondstadt were very glad to see him enter the city today.
Lisa chuckles, “Had you been communicating with us, you may have had a warning. That’s just how it is, dear.” She sighs as if this wasn’t exactly what she had expected. Communication, ha!
He does have a habit of not doing that, doesn’t he… Well, it hasn’t quite bitten him in the ass until now.
Damn it!
Kaeya opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He closes it and attempts to pull himself back together. Brain-to-mouth connections failing. Flustered is a state he rarely experiences but it’s happening. He’s clearly malfunctioning and it’s getting way too hot in here. He fingers at his collar as if that would help relieve him.
Eula scoffs from her seat at the table, taking his flustered state as a lack of overwhelming joy, “What is it? You’re not disappointed in making it to the finals, are you? You should be grateful! That the people are not looking at you in disgrace, but lauding you for your poise and beauty! This is your chance to be loved! Or have vengeance!”
Kaeya gets the feeling she’s not actually talking about him.
“I’m not—I’m not disappointed,” Kaeya curses his stutter, he knows better than to stutter, “I simply thought, such uh—” Damn it he needs to be more than careful here, looking at Jean and Lisa, “ pretty ladies as yourselves would have booted me from the competition.” Pretty? Really? He really does know better— what’s wrong with him? He was raised with an extensive vocabulary. Lisa is eyeing him like she can see right through his soul, and he can see her thinking the same thing. He knows better. Though if he went with “shapely” or “curvy” Kaeya might need to start looking for some sort of insulation so the shock isn’t so bad.
Lisa raises her eyebrow and calls him out on the very thing he was worried about, “Pretty? Really? How flattering. Think of that all on your own?”
Kaeya starts to sweat. Big brain is failing him.
Jean sighs, hand already massaging her dawning headache at the head of the table, “Lisa, he’s trying his best. And he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t feel comfortable.”
Kaeya gapes. What? That was hardly his best, dare he say one of his worst! He is almost offended but he is not going to complain in front of the other captains when Jean is saving his behind. He’s going to need it for this cursed competition.
“It’s fine,” He chokes out, the reboot for the suave settings in his personality was taking its time, but it is back online, “I’m very comfortable with it, as always.” He’s just now sweaty. Might have overheated a little. He doesn’t like the way everyone is looking at him. Like now they’re concerned.
Lisa continues, studying him, making him feel like a slightly inconvenient stray they dragged in, “That’s good. You were one of the top picks, sweetie, people are very excited to see you. Jean and I made it that far, but we just didn’t have the votes to make it to the top three.”
“That’s just it,” Kaeya pushes, in hindsight, rather dumbly, “I find that hard to believe.”
“That’s a secret, sweetie!” Lisa chuckles with a finger raised to her lips, but the electric glow in her eye tells Kaeya not to ask. She’ll make sure he’ll painfully regret it, “Trust me, it’s all taken care of.”
She probably burned the votes or something, Kaeya thinks. Lucky.
Heck, she probably rigged it.
Sometimes it really backfires when one of your besties is a witch.
“Take it and don’t you regret it, Captain,” Eula proclaims, rising from her seat like she’s rising above the bodies of the slain, “Your vengeance will be up there on stage! With me!” She swings an arm over his shoulder and gives him a hearty shake with her ungodly might. An action she’s surely seen other knights do and is replicating in camaraderie. Only with her ungodly might, the camaraderie might end in a broken neck.
Oh, Kaeya thinks as his brain rattles like a maraca inside his head, lovely.
She leads him out of the meeting room before his brain can properly resettle peacefully inside its head nest.
On the walk (drag, is more accurate) to the stage, Kaeya can only describe the following interaction as being accosted. But that’s okay. These are knights he can order around later. He has plenty of time to think about how to make them just as miserable as he is, listening to their friendly encouragement. It happens when Eula is using her brute strength to bodily drag him towards the stage by the statue in front of the cathedral. His dragging feet have nothing on her.
Still, he has other tricks to try, “You know, Captain Eula, since you are here, I’m sure there aren’t enough knights around to patrol the areas around the city. Surely, it would be better for me to secure them myself—”
His other tricks were quickly pushed to the back burner.
“Captain Alberich!” A young knight calls to him. A small flock of them it seems. Four knights that he can bully later. They call to him, and his mood worsens, but he welcomes the opportunity to keep his claws sharp. Eula stops so they can address him. Pity.
“You must be excited about the contest, huh?”
“We all knew you would love this competition!”
“All the squads are rooting for you, Captain! We know you’ll be the best butt.” Oh, Archons, is he supposed to be flattered or insulted? How are so many people so involved with his ass? There are certainly better ones they can stare at, Kaeya might have to invest in a larger cape. Look at his front, people! It’s dazzling on purpose! He needs to daze people, and he’s not using his ass for that.
And they’re saying this to him while his competition is holding his hand for dear life? The one dragging him to this damned thing when he had every intention of bailing?
Kaeya smiles, slightly sharp with the intention to cut, and faces them to address this personally, “Oh, I think I’ll have quite the competition with Captain Eula, here. I’ve heard she received enough votes to make it to the very top. She deserves some admiration for that, don’t you think?”
He tries not to think of the implications that he may be inviting them to stare at his friend’s ass.
The knight falters, glancing at her. Fortunately, with Kaeya’s brilliant nudging, the knight had enough sense to not respond like an idiot, “Of course! I’m sure she’ll be great! You’ll have to work for it, Captain Alberich!” And he and his little buddies scamper away. Kaeya smirks. Yes, he’s very much looking forward to some grueling training drills with them later.
Eula huffs, but she loosens her death grip on his hand. Good, he needs the blood flow back before they need to amputate.
Then she delivers the ultimatum. Or threat. This is a threat, right?
“You better be up there on stage with me or I’ll have my vengeance!” She proclaims, once again gripping his hand like it’s made of steel. Well, he didn’t need that hand anyway. He has another.
Kaeya turns to her, patting her death grip with his only remaining hand, and replies with some newfound strength that he knew he would regret later if not the moment it escaped out of his mouth, “Well, I have to give you some competition, don’t I? If you win without any work, would that be worth the victory?”
Eula hums in thought, before nodding in agreement, “I suppose you’re right Captain Kaeya. Be prepared to lose!”
“Haha, of course! Well, we shouldn’t be late now. Let’s continue on, shall we?”
However, for the rest of the walk to the stage in front of the giant archon statue, Kaeya’s resolve falters (remember that strength he knew he would regret? He’s regretting it). He can’t settle on an emotion. Is he nervous? Is he perfectly fine? Is he embarrassed? His fake personality says that he should be practically twerking out here, and everyone would accept it with gusto, but his face burns hot at the thought of everyone staring at the wrong end. He’s the confident Captain Kaeya, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that he’s only confident in his front. Now the thought of turning around makes his face burn with enough heat to cook Noelle’s pancakes.
And he might still be sweaty.
He’s not supposed to feel embarrassed anymore, so what is this? Feelings? Get rid of them.
This day is turning out much differently than he expected. As if he could have expected this…
If it weren’t for Eula beside him corralling them both towards the stage, he most definitely would have made a hasty escape in the opposite direction or found his way down some stairs. Probably by falling down those steps on the very ass that has him in this predicament, although, with his luck at the moment, he reasons, he’s more likely to land on that beautiful face. And well, he can’t afford that either. Ass or not, it’s still usually that face that gets him what he wants, combined with his silver tongue, and a wink that has everyone struggling to discern if it's just an emphatic blink. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes. He can’t believe that it’s the other end that got him here. Clearly, that’s the end that brings him trouble, no matter what anyone else (Diluc) says.
When the giant statue finally comes into view, he can’t help but snicker at the realization that Barbatos would be staring down at them from above, forced to watch and judge their contest with the rest of Mondstadt. Whose ass would Lord Barbatos choose? The world may never know.
Speaking of choosing ass, who is the third nominee? The other knights didn’t say, and Kaeya was too out of sorts to remember to ask. Surely he would have heard by now. Then again, he also missed the announcement and three days of this contest, so perhaps he needs to take another look at his information network. It really let him down this time. Big time.
Or, more likely, Lisa withheld that information. Hindsight again. It doesn’t help him now.
A mane of red comes into view behind the stage, arms crossed and a trademarked disgruntled scowl, feeling quite clearly very out of place, and Kaeya barks out a laugh before he can stop himself. Damn, it’s gonna be one of those days. Those red eyes snap to him with the sharpness of a hawk.
Ah, so this is what prey feels like, Kaeya thinks and decides to not be prey. He’s a predator too. And his bark is as bad as his bite.
Diluc watches Kaeya walk toward him with captain Eula, and when Diluc realizes they are joining him for the finals, his soul shudders and begs for release from its mortal coil. Of course, he shouldn’t have expected anyone else. Captain Eula is attractive, even if her personality tends to scare people away, as well as her reputation. And Sir Kaeya is… Kaeya. He captivates people and wears tight riding pants, what else does he need? Certainly not this to boost his inflated ego. Diluc only dreads having to deal with it, because Kaeya is persistent in his endeavors to make it his problem. It’s Kaeya’s butt that’s molded a permanent seat into the stool at Angel’s Share every night Diluc is serving.
And really, Diluc has enough sense to realize that he’s the one out of place at this event. Someone must have pulled some strings to get him to the finals because he’s reasonably certain nobody besides Adelinde has gotten a good look at his backside in a very long time. He wears a long coat almost 24/7, so he’s pretty covered. He doesn’t know how he made it this far in the contest. Pure intrigue? It’s scary how likely that may be…
He probably shouldn’t even have entertained these idiots by attending. He didn’t care about this contest in any capacity. It was Adelinde (and Elzar) who convinced him to just get the hell out and do it. In much nicer words, of course, after cornering him with a signup sheet.
If anything, he wouldn’t even be here if the people of Mond weren’t so damned curious or minded their own business. They’re like a flock of chittering birds, and he would like to just, Dawn them away for a nice barbecue, but that’s not socially acceptable or chivalrous, and Adelinde would be very disappointed in him. She would purse her lips and shake her head with a deep sigh, and the very thought of that happening to him sends shivers down his spine and fear through his soul. Her disappointment is one of the few things Diluc is scared of these days. So in the meantime, Diluc is just going to imagine burning the city to the ground rather than actually burning the city to the ground. It’s surprisingly therapeutic. (He really does love this city and its people with all his heart but sometimes it’s just so—UGH, you know? Nosy!)
But perhaps trying to stamp out the problem by satiating the flock’s curiosity was not the course of action he should have taken. These people are truly shameless. And so is Diluc, since he will be the one flaunting his backside out there like a prancing peacock (next to another prancing peacock, how ironic) without any feelings about it whatsoever, for their entertainment. Shamelessness. At least it’s a good shield.
Kaeya strolls up to him lazily, taking his time with all the gracefulness of a smug cat (yes, he knows how he looks, Kaeya worked hard for this image), and calls out with a smile to his former sworn brother as he approaches the curtained-off area behind the stage. It seems this adventure has begun. Oh, how exciting! This is something he knows how to do!
“Look at you, has the uncrowned king climbed out of his tower to amuse the rabble?” He says with his most delightful smile.
Diluc narrows his piercing eyes, then shuts them with a grunt, nose crinkled, “I do believe it was the knights who sanctioned this unmitigated chaos, do you not see how you are part of the problem? Do the knights have nothing better to do than create such novelties?”
“Yet,” Kaeya emphasizes with a sharp grin, waiting for those eyes to open and meet him again before continuing, “You still decided to join in, I’m sure the great Wine Master of Mondstadt has better things to do as well, no?”
Diluc smiles sharply in return, “So you admit this is not a good use of time.”
Kaeya’s eyes light up, “On the contrary, I get to see you out on stage as well, in the same predicament as me. Misery likes a friend, after all.”
Diluc raises his eyebrows at the statement, focus shifting. He’s a bit thrown and curious, that Kaeya considers this a misery. Diluc only thinks this whole event is downright dumb, but Kaeya should be flourishing out there like a dancer finishing his tango, rose in his mouth, and displaying a deep bow at the waist (just bending the wrong direction so everyone can take a look). A misery? And why is Kaeya so sweaty? Before he thinks too hard about it, he continues on with the tone of conversation they seem to be having. Their default tone of slightly antagonistic banter.
“You’re right, it is misery with you.”
“Oh? Are you afraid you will lose?” Kaeya pokes, gleefully.
“What would I lose?” Diluc states, toneless, “This event is already an indignity by mere participation. Are you afraid you’ll win?” He pokes back.
Kaeya blinks, words failing him for a moment for reasons he doesn’t want to process before he orders his brain to continue on default sassy mode. His mouth says words for him, he lays a hand on his hip, and leans forward, “Of course not, why would I deny the citizens something they asked for?”
Diluc scowls, leaning back, “They are, without a doubt, asking for problems like yourself.”
“You think I’m a problem? How cruel, Master Diluc. I would argue, due to some nightly activity, that you are a problem—”
“You’re both problems every damn day,” Eula snaps. They both turn and blink at her, mirrored images, as both were suddenly reminded of her presence. “Now get those asses ready and cease your petty bickering, or there will be vengeance!”
Kaeya recovers first, and he only laughs with a bright smile, appearing as innocent as he can, “Butt of course, dear captain!”
Diluc grimaces, turning away slightly. His arms are still tightly crossed but now in discomfort at being caught acting petty, “Apologies, Captain Eula. His mere presence brings out the immaturities in me.”
The menace blinks back into existence, “Haha! Admitting to acting like a child are we, Master Diluc—”
“Cease!”
“Oh darlings,” Lisa calls to them, gliding out from the stage curtain, “The finals are about to start, so we need you cuties to divest yourselves of anything covering the goods, alright?” She smiles sweetly and her eyes crinkle in delight as she holds out her hands in grabby grabby motion, “Coats, Cloaks, and capes please!”
Clearly, she’s getting a kick out of this, Diluc thinks as he takes off his coat as slowly as possible. He folds it himself and lays it neatly in her arms. Kaeya’s lips purse and the steel grip he has on his cape and fur might be concerning, but he doesn’t think anyone noticed. Lisa happily makes her rounds to each of them and then yanks the cape out of Kaeya’s grip with the might of a Mitachurl. Eula just hands hers over.
“You’ll be great, sweetie,” she says to Eula, as she collects the last piece of clothing, and gives her cheek a soft reassuring pat, “No need to worry.”
Eula huffs, but the blush on her cheeks tells them she’s pleased as she stands straight up and poses with her hands on her hips, “I am not worried.”
Kaeya stands there expectantly waiting for Lisa to address him, but the librarian merely laughs and blows him a kiss on her way through the curtains to a rack to hang up their clothes. He pouts. There is a snort next to him and turns to see Diluc with a hand up to his mouth, seemingly clearing his throat.
“Coming down with something, Master Diluc?”
Lisa comes flying back in through the curtains, “Alright everyone, it’s time to begin. Let’s head out, shall we?”
She beckons them like they’re children she’s calling in from recess, and then disappears through the curtains. Diluc sighs, because he knows she’s expecting them to walk through and face the crowd on their own. He opens the curtain himself and the noise of the crowd increases when the late fall sunlight hits him right in the eyes. He squints, steps back, and holds the curtain open, waiting for Eula to walk through first, then Kaeya (who seems to be taking his damned time), and then follows them out on a low stage.
He finally gets a proper look at the crowd as he takes a spot between both knights, and his respect for the citizens of this city comes into question at the sheer magnitude of people that have come to see the best butt of Mond.
They’re a bunch of monsters out there going crazy at the sight of their finalists. Cheering, throwing flowers in the air, multiple people holding glasses of wine (rather dangerous, in Diluc’s opinion), and looking up at them like the best cuts of meat are being put up for auction. Which, Diluc discovers, is hard-pressed to describe this kind of attention as “nice”.
Diluc spots Venti, another menace to society, in the crowd, egging them on with cheers and making them roar, with a bottle of Dawn Winery dandelion wine in his hand. Really? His archon is watching this contest? Whose ass would Lord Barbatos choose? Diluc doesn’t want to know. He makes sure to scowl and purposely look away when the menace grins innocently in his direction. Diluc makes a note that Venti is going to have to beg to receive his next drink at his tavern.
Lisa gestures and the crowd quiets down almost immediately. Diluc almost shudders. It’s scary, the control she has sometimes. And the crowd, a bunch of thirsty beasts, shivering in anticipation.
“Here, for our finals in Mondstadts best Butt, we have our most graceful knight, our richest bachelor, and our most dashing knight!” Lisa announces, with a gleam in her eye. She waves to the three, standing stiffly in a line for different reasons.
“Hehe, you’re only here 'cause you’re rich and single,” Kaeya snickers behind his hand to Diluc.
“And you’re only here ‘cause half of Mondstadt is staring at your ass every single day and you’re still single,” Diluc shoots back.
Kaeya pouts. Damn. Hit ‘em where it hurts. Diluc’s mouth ticks slightly upwards towards a smirk. He knows what he’s done.
“The last of this competition is counted by audience participation,” Lisa explains, dripping with delight, “The finalists turn around, we announce their names, and the one with the loudest roars is our winner! There is no second place, so the runner-ups receive the same prize! A small choice of stock from Dawn Winery, already set aside by the benefactor.”
What? Diluc’s face does a weird spasm, neutrality nearly overcome by shock. Lisa smiles at him and winks. Then he scowls. Kaeya is once again snickering, body jolting trying to keep it in. Diluc wasn’t made aware of this! Where the hell is Elzar? His head whips back and forth trying to look for the man in the crowd. He’d bet the prize it was his butler’s doing, and he’d bet more that he’s here watching this. Very few would guess that his trusted advisor has a mischievous streak, especially after a losing chess streak. And Adelinde does nothing but encourage it (keeps the place lively). No wonder they made him get out and do it.
Now he probably looks like he bought his way into this competition. Which he absolutely did not! And wow, really? He could win some stock from his own winery? What a prize! A consolation, truly !
Diluc’s mood sours dramatically, and he crosses his bare arms, scowling as hard as he can, smoke rising from his skin. Though he didn’t actually expect Lisa to address it.
“Oh cool off, Master Diluc, you got your ass up here with nothing but hard work!” And she winks again! “It was the votes that wanted to see that fabled ass of yours!” The crowd cheers in approval. Kaeya bumps into his shoulder since the little menace is not getting enough air trying to keep his amusement quiet. Fabled?
Diluc takes it with grace and huffs, mollified. Good. At least they don’t think the master of the Dawn Winery bought his way into an ass competition of all things. That would be a travesty.
“First prize gets the title of Mondstadts best butt!” Lisa continues on, watching him in anticipation “A decorated sash and free drinks from Mondstadt’s Taverns for a month.”
Pardon?
The scowl returns. This competition is not meant for him to win; clearly, they did not have him in mind. What is he, a placeholder? This is entirely useless, why is he here again? Reputation? Is this actually helping his reputation, showing off his (clothed) ass to the public? Regrets, he’s having them. Free drinks from his own tavern? How generous of them.
Eula and Kaeya should be delighted though. Good for them. Good for them , he grits his teeth and nearly bites his tongue to keep himself from making any scathing comments. Or fire from coming out his mouth. Either one or both would be likely.
And Kaeya is clearly delighted. There is a new sparkle in his eyes, and he is keenly staring at Diluc with a Cheshire smile, still chuckling. Yes, a misery indeed. He’s a menace.
“Let’s begin, shall we?” Lisa clasps her hands together, “Finalists, please turn around and show the audience what they will be cheering for!” The crowd begins to cheer. It’s what they’ve been waiting for.
Eula does a graceful spin and places her hands on her hips. Diluc simply turns, keeping his arms crossed, so his displeasure is still known. He notes Kaeya turning, fidgeting for a moment, and then crossing his arms as well. Probably needed a place for his hands, though Diluc is surprised he’s not striking a pose. Is it not time for the little peacock to preen?
Lisa must do something off to the side because the crowd quiets again. Staring at them. For not the first time, he is once again struck with the thought that this is weird and the city is weird.
Diluc is now bored. Staring at the back curtain with the audience ogling him from the back, and somehow he ends up looking out of the corner of his eye at Kaeya. Then he actually turns his head to get a better look at Kaeya, because what’s going on? Is he sweating?
“Our Reconnaissance Captain, Eula Lawrence!” Lisa announces. The crowd roars, but Diluc doesn’t really notice.
Diluc has known Kaeya for a long time and is well aware that the man is a master of appearances, even more so since the deep color of his skin helps to hide any hints of red. It’s hard to tell when Kaeya is embarrassed by looking at his face, and his expressions will reveal nothing he doesn’t intend to. But Diluc also has known Kaeya for a long enough time (and personally embarrassed him enough) to know what tells to look for when Kaeya is flustered, and it’s usually in his speech or in his ears (and before the cryo vision, Kaeya used to get really embarrassingly sweaty). And archons the ear that Diluc is now staring at in awe is bright red.
Kaeya is embarrassed? Like, burning with the heat of 1000 suns embarrassed? Diluc hasn’t seen that in years, partly because the cryo vision usually helps cool temperatures when feeling heated, but also because Diluc hasn’t really looked for any embarrassment since their new normal is mildly hostile prodding, and more recently, purposely causing each other minor inconveniences because being slightly petty is actually a bit fun.
“Our Winemaster of Dawn Winery, Master Diluc Ragnvindr!”
Which… Fun, yeah Diluc does have fun with Kaeya still. It’s different, sure, worlds different, but it’s nice in some capacity. He enjoys it despite the hurt it often causes, and Kaeya would stop if he didn’t enjoy it as well. Kaeya rarely does anything that he doesn’t enjoy, and Diluc has enough scars to prove it.
And he’s not enjoying this? Diluc is shocked, even if his face reveals none of the barrage of thoughts popping up in his head like dandelions. Did Kaeya not realize he wears tight riding breeches? Tailored for riding horses that he doesn’t have? He’s not doing that on purpose? Why else would he be embarrassed now? But clearly, the signs have been there since he arrived for the competition...
Kaeya really is an idiot. But he’s still Diluc’s idiot, and only Diluc is allowed to poke fun at the peacock. Some things never change. Diluc thinks for a moment about what to do, whether his next actions will make Kaeya feel better or worse, and decides, Fuck it. He’ll be there to deal with the consequences. And also poke fun at the peacock afterward for being so birdbrained.
“Our Cavalry Captain, Kaeya Alberich!” Lisa announces the last finalist.
Diluc throws an arm over Kaeya’s shoulder, and pulls him in close, warm against each other’s sides. Kaeya gasps, too surprised to react.
The crowd screams . They roar in delight, a horde of caged monkeys having been thrown a banana.
Kaeya swings his head to look Diluc in the eyes, nearly knocking their heads together. Diluc has to tilt his head away to avoid the collision because that really would’ve been embarrassing. Kaeya’s eyes are wide in shock like Diluc caught him unexpectedly in free fall, and Diluc takes some delight in being able to surprise him. Points for Diluc today it seems, he noticed a trend at winning. In honor of this, Diluc allows his expression of blank neutrality to tick up the corner of his mouth, which seems to put Kaeya at ease.
Kaeya throws up his arm over Diluc’s shoulder in return. Locked together peas in a pod.
The crowd resurges; the energy that had begun to wane rises again. They’re going feral, Venti is howling like a banshee, throwing his arms up and the crowd follows blindly in their delight.
Lisa is chuckling with a hand over her mouth, before she addresses the crowd, “Well it seems the audience has a favorite. We have our winner! Captain Kaeya Alberich claims the title of Mondstadt’s Ass!”
Kaeya chokes. Diluc snorts. The consequences of their actions have arrived. Swiftly. The two idiots have to separate to turn around and face them at Lisa’s insistence.
Noella walks on stage and hands Lisa a silk sash with the words Mondstadt’s Best Butt embroidered delicately upon the fabric. Flowers are being thrown on stage, petals drifting through the air along some confetti.
Lisa glides over with the sash, smiling proudly at Kaeya as if she had something to do with it all. She places it upon their winner, over his head, and rests it on his shoulders. Diluc can almost feel the heat radiating off the poor man’s ears, face looking politely surprised and pleased. And a little sweaty. Diluc smiles a little, fondly because this is something he recognizes.
Noelle hands Kaeya the flowers, “Congratulations, Captain Kaeya!”
“Why thank you,” Kaeya says on autopilot. His brain has stopped all functions. Too much for today.
Lisa turns around to give some closing remarks, but with the way Kaeya is staring blankly out into the void, Diluc doesn’t think he’s hearing a thing. Is this trauma? Diluc finds that he’s still smiling, and allows himself to bump shoulders with Mondstadt’s Ass. Kaeya leans into it. Strange how this is the most amicable interaction they’ve had since Weinlesefest.
The crowd is slowly dispersing and Lisa turns around to address them as Noelle arrives with their coats and capes. Diluc holds his coat in his arms. Kaeya is still not moving or functioning in any capacity so Diluc ends up holding the cape and fur as well.
Lisa claps her hands together, “Well, that went just wonderfully! Eula, you were great out there, sweetie!”
Eula nods, a light blush on her cheeks, “Why, thank you, Lady Lisa. It was a wonderful competition.”
Lisa smiles, approaching the two men, “And oh my!” She takes her gloved hands and gives their cheeks a light squeeze, “I am so proud of you boys!”
Diluc’s face spasms strangely, his face as red as his hair as he leans backward. Kaeya gives out a joyful laugh, snapping out of his traumatic daze and cradling his bouquet. Lisa chuckles before gliding away.
Eula steps before them.
“Congratulations, Captain Kaeya,” Eula nods with dignity, “I am grateful to have been up there beside you.”
“Uh, thank you, Captain Eula,” Kaeya is clearly still grasping at the situation, pulling himself back together. It’s not easy to get your head out of your ass, “It was a hard-fought battle. I couldn’t ask for better competition.” Is that appropriate here?
Eula nods, “I am also grateful to have been thought of by the people of our city, for my vengeance upon them was sweet, the prized alcohol I will receive will be just as sweet.”
Kaeya nods, going with the motions, “I look forward to partaking in this victory together.”
Eula smiles in affirmation, “Yes, indeed.” Then she turns to Diluc, eyes hardening.
“You were quite bold, Master Ragnvindr,'' Diluc suddenly gets the feeling he’s being scolded, “You should have taken that title for yourself! Take the things you are freely given, don’t allow them to slide through your fingers!”
Diluc blinks. What was he given here?
“Next time, I ask you to fight fairly, since you did not care to fight for your place at the top when you should have. That is the time, the very moment, for vengeance.” Is this wisdom? Next time? Vengeance? Diluc is getting mixed signals so he nods graciously. Captain Eula nods in approval as if she’s made her point, then twirls and struts away. Leaving one confused Diluc and an amused Kaeya.
“That was rather… graceful of her. I don’t understand why she was mad at me for not deciding to fight for the title,” Diluc says carefully.
“Well you cheated so that I won, and Eula is more honorable than that,” Kaeya relays bluntly. The menace has returned.
“I did not cheat,” Diluc scowls. He was just trying to make Kaeya feel better, and he hadn’t been paying attention to the timing of it nor did he think it would affect the results, but he was not going to let Kaeya know that, “It was either her or you anyway.”
“Diluc, you were winning,” Kaeya sighs, rubbing a hand over his face, “You had already surpassed her.”
Diluc blinks, scowl disappearing, “Pardon?”
“She was upset that you threw away your chance,” Kaeya can’t believe he has to explain this, “It was either me or you .”
Diluc couldn’t help the snort that burst out of his mouth. He hadn’t even been paying attention in the slightest apparently. “Well then, now I’m glad. And who’s to say you still wouldn’t have won anyway?”
Kaeya shrugs, “We’ll never know now, no thanks to you,” Kaeya eyes him, slightly suspiciously Diluc thinks, “Why did you do that anyway?” The half hug, he’s clearly referring to.
Diluc thinks of Weinlesefest and the delight he got at teasing Kaeya as well as the delight that Kaeya stayed for dinner. He felt excited, like a child again, which is something he wants and dreads. The action on stage was impulsive and not thought out, like a child and because Diluc is also an idiot. Yet, he doesn’t find himself regretting it. They’re doing better. He really doesn’t know why he did it.
“I did it because you’re an idiot and I didn’t want the prize,” He responds, “and I have no care for the title. There were better choices than me anyway.”
Then Kaeya leans toward him and smirks, raising an eyebrow, “Diluc, have you ever seen your ass?”
“I haven’t paid attention,” Diluc responds, and he absolutely means it, “In terms of image, it’s my face and clothes that need to look the part.”
Of course, they still have that in common. Crepus trained them well. Kaeya clicks his tongue, “The part? You don’t even know, dear Master Diluc, what lifting a claymore does for ten years?”
Diluc shrugs without care, “I suppose.”
“You suppose?” Kaeya repeats, voice elevating. He couldn’t believe the audacity of this man, “You may have gotten up there on pure intrigue alone, but the audience was not disappointed in the results. Clearly.”
Diluc’s mouth ticks up, which Kaeya has recently learned means he’s about to say something Kaeya’s not going to be able to combat, “ Clearly . And clearly, you don’t even know, dear Sir Kaeya , what wearing jodhpurs does for you every day.”
Yeah, something Kaeya’s not going to be able to combat. His mouth opens and closes, waiting for the suave settings to come back online after that system shut down. The system is burning up in there today. His ears burn along with it.
But the pleased glow coming from Diluc, the little—now infuriating—uptick of his mouth, and the satisfied glint in his eyes, tell Kaeya that this is a good conversation. So the burn doesn’t hurt so bad.
“It’s my uniform!” Weak, Kaeya says to himself the moment it leaves his mouth, he knows better than to give in like that to goading. He does it all day but rarely receives it. Weak response, brain, you can do better. He feels like a child.
Diluc raises an eyebrow and then raises a finger to his head in thought, and Kaeya thinks the action is overkill, “I recall the cavalry uniform having a long coat, tailored for fitting on horseback. Provided that there even are horses to ride. And, dear Sir Kaeya, I currently see half of a cape that flutters happily in the light winds of Mondstadt, and not in the thrilling rush of galloping through the countryside.”
Kaeya huffs, hating that he’s losing now. That’s not what he intended going into this conversation. He’s lost so much today, especially by winning.
He’s supposed to be the annoying one, he’s supposed to get the rights to annoy. Diluc is even getting poetic, which he does when he’s content with himself or when he’s reminiscing about the “darkness of this world”. It’s time to wrap up.
“It is a fashion choice,” Kaeya says with an upturned nose, to flaunt all the dignity that he lost today, “One that pleases me, and apparently everyone else. I’ve pleased many opponents to death.”
“Oh? How efficient.” Sarcasm .
Kaeya pouts, crossing his arms, “Well, I have that efficient work to return to. I can’t please from up here,” Diluc raises an eyebrow again, looking him up and down. Kaeya heats up again. Stop it! He’s not being fair! Stop trying to make him feel better, he’s making it worse!
But then Kaeya remembers something glorious and the smug smile returns, “And I have many drinks to enjoy tonight! Be prepared to serve me, dear Master Diluc, for I intend to revel in my free wine all night.”
Diluc’s scowl returns, “The tavern closes at two in the morning. And drink responsibly, lest you become a true menace to society, like Venti. I better go prepare Charles for this evening’s rush,” He turns and pauses, looking up into the distance, “And have a conversation with Elzar about giving away prizes for contests I did not agree to oversee. Good day, dear Sir Kaeya.” And with that, the trail of his long coat, Diluc takes his leave.
“And good day, dear Master Diluc,” Kaeya calls to the retreating figure. A small, “humph”, is returned to him by the wind.
Kaeya stands there for a minute, watching the sunset, arms cradling the bouquet. He notes that his cape has been put back on without him noticing. Yes, this was a good conversation. Never thought this would come to pass from an ass competition. This world works in mysterious ways.
Kaeya barges into the tavern that night, sash still across his torso and an arm around Eula’s waist. Eula appears pleased and there’s a big smile on Kaeya’s face, very delighted to partake in his winnings. The crowd cheers in response to his entrance, and Kaeya whoops, before his eyes land on Diluc, standing silently behind the bar cleaning a glass with a rag. There is nothing on his face.
The fact that there is no scowl at his most obnoxious entrance immediately puts Kaeya on edge.
He approaches the bar and goes to sit in his usual spot in front of the counter when a glint on the seat catches his eye. The curve of Diluc’s mouth ticks up slightly.
Nailed into the wood, a bronze plaque is delicately engraved, with the words, “Reserved for Mondstadt’s Ass, Kaeya Alberich”.
Words fail him.
His ears start to burn.