Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jared Padalecki didn’t believe in love at first sight. He was a realist, and even though he knew people who claimed to have fallen in love at first sight, in his opinion it didn’t exist. People only said it because it sounded much more romantic and caused awws and ohhs whenever such love stories were brought up. But Jared knew better: love at first sight only happened in happily-ever-after fairy tales, and his own love life was proof enough that it was humbug. He may only be twenty-three years old, but he’d had enough relationships – both long and short term – to know how love really worked; it was a process of growing closer and more fond of each other. It started with liking someone – which, in his case, happened quite fast, because he grew fond of people quite quickly – then this liking grew into affection and attraction, both physical and mental, and in the end Jared fell in love, though sometimes, when it was just about sex, he didn’t reach this last step.

Yet when Jared met Jensen Ackles he had to revise his opinion about love at first sight, because the moment he laid eyes on his new co-star, it struck him like lightning. When Eric introduced them and he felt Jensen’s warm hand in his and looked into those marvelous green eyes, Jared was lost.

First Jared tried to convince himself that it was a mere crush. Jensen was not only damn attractive, but also very charismatic, and women and men likewise turned their heads to get a closer look, both on set but also when they went for a beer once in a while. Yet, weeks turned into months and the butterflies in his belly, his thrumming heart and his sweaty hands didn’t go away. On the contrary, it only got worse with every hour he spent with Jensen until Jared had to admit that he was hopelessly in love with his friend.

Hopelessly, because even though they had fast become good friends, there was no way Jensen would share his feelings. Jensen was a womanizer, dating and flirting with more girls at the same time than Jared had fingers on his hands, and the possibility that Jensen was at least bi – like Jared – was one meager percent at maximum. While Jared normally was very outspoken and obvious when it came to hitting on girls (he was more careful with guys in general because of his family, job, and his reputation), he was uncommonly shy when it came to showing Jensen his true feelings. There was no way of simply telling him. He just wouldn’t stand the pitying – or even worse, the disgusted – look that would surely show on his friend’s face. And neither would he risk their great chemistry on set nor the friendship that had so quickly developed into one of the closest friendships he had ever experienced. Besides, Jared wondered why Jensen, in the very unlikely event he was into men, too, would mess around with him. Goofy, loud, and freakish Jared, when he could probably date anyone, male and female alike.

Therefore, Jared decided on a less obvious way to win his boy’s heart. By being just himself, the best friend Jensen could wish for and being all the things Jensen seemed to value in a friendship. Frank and funny, sweet and caring, draped over Jensen whenever he could get away with it. The good thing was, Jared always got away with it. At first Jensen seemed a bit perplexed to receive a hug on a daily basis, to feel Jared’s hand squeezing his shoulder or upper arm, but he never told Jared to piss off. Quite the contrary, after a moment of hesitation, Jensen often returned the affection with a sweet gesture of his own or at least a happy smile. He wouldn’t do that if he minded Jared’s closeness, would he?

Months turned into years and nothing changed. Jared was still in love with his best friend but too scared to tell him. Lying low, he bided his time, waiting for a chance to get even closer and to maybe show Jensen his true feelings. 

Eventually, the chance turned up. First he and Sandy split up, leaving him in a funny mixture of feeling heartbroken and happy at the same time. Just weeks later, Jensen had to move out of his apartment. Jared owned a big house that was much too spacious for himself and his dogs and offering to have Jensen move in with him was a given. It made perfect sense, with their crazy schedules and the way they were around each other, the chemistry they had and the fact that they simply enjoyed being joined at the hip.

Jensen hesitated before accepting the offer. Not that Jared had expected anything else from his best friend. It was just the way Jensen was, thinking things over, weighing the pros and cons, but in the end he realized that it really was a good plan. Ever since Jared had bought his house, Jensen had spent countless hours there, even crashing in his guest room several times. Living there wouldn’t be such a big change. #Jared’s heart tumbled in joy when Jensen accepted the offer with a tight hug, and he allowed himself to dream about that fairy tale ending he didn’t really believe in.

Living with Jensen was great: easy, enjoyable, and respectful, a companionable togetherness. Sure, once in a while they had little quarrels – you just couldn’t be together twenty-four/seven for nine months of the year without bickering. Luckily though it was never anything too serious and mostly sooner than later they talked about it and hugged it out, growing even closer after they had overcome a bumpier part of the road they walked together.

Yet, what Jared wished for didn’t happen. There had been more than a dozen moments when something could have happened between the two of them, but somehow Jared had never managed to grab the chance. It had either passed too quickly or Jared had been too slow to grab it and sometimes he hadn’t even read it right, hadn’t been able to catch it as the chance that it really was.

Even more time passed by. Jensen’s relationship with Danneel got more and more serious and Jared fell for Genevieve. Not as head over heels as he had fallen for Jensen, but he had a crush on her. She was funny and sweet and she distracted him from his very unbrotherly thoughts about his best friend. Suddenly, Jared was kneeling in front of Genevieve, proposing to her. Jared didn’t spill the beans at once but when he did, he was wrapped into his Jensen’s strong hug, receiving not only Jensen’s congratulations but also the news that Jensen was finally tying the knot with Danneel, too, and planned to propose in the next few days. Jared saw Jensen’s smile, a mixture of joy and melancholy, but once more, Jared couldn’t really grasp it. Brushing it off, he brought Jensen into the circle of his arms, wishing him all the luck and happiness in the world, the hole in his heart huge as he realized that his fairy-tale really never would come true.

Just a couple of days later Jensen announced that it was time to move out. Jared tried to keep his composure, but the look on his face spoke volumes about how he really felt about being left alone. Jared should have seen it coming but strangely, he hadn’t. It felt like Jared’s world was crashing down, with all his hopes, dreams and wishes now dying for good.

Jensen, on the other hand, believed in love at first sight. Not that it had ever happened to him, God no, but his mom had told him a thousand times how she had met his dad and had known at once that he would be the man she spent the rest of her life with. Jensen was much more romantic than he would ever admit or than anyone would believe, and in a way he hoped that something like that would happen to him, too, though he doubted it. The reason for his doubts was simple. He was gay and until now he had only fallen in love – not at first, but at second or third sight – with men he couldn’t have. Sometimes because they were straight, sometimes because they were gay but weren’t interested in him. As he got older and slowly approached the end of his twenties, Jensen had lost all hope and believed that he would stay alone for the rest of his life and that the right one wasn’t yet made for him.

That was when Jensen was introduced to his new co-star, Jared Padalecki. When he looked into Jared’s big, warm hazel eyes that reminded him a bit of a puppy, when he felt his hand in Jared’s, when he saw those gorgeous dimples caused by a smile that brightened the day, it finally happened. With an unshakable certainty, Jensen knew that the man in front of him would be the man he would grow gray and old with. The path that was leading into their future was still lying in the dark, but Jensen was sure Jared was “the one”, just like Jensen knew his own name.

Other than Jared, Jensen actually believed that his dreams might become reality. Sure, Jared had a girlfriend, but Jensen had this theory: every person was at least a bit bi, at least a bit attracted to people of the same sex and – even though he didn’t have a clue that Jared was bi – he was sure that Jared would eventually return his feelings. What gave him hope was the way Jared acted around him. The countless hugs, the lingering touches, the glances, and the smile that seemed particularly bright every time Jared saw his best friend spoke volumes about Jared’s true feelings.

What Jensen shared with Jared, next to his feelings for the other, was shyness when it came to declaring said feelings. Normally, Jensen wasn’t like that. He was coy and withdrawn, something Jared wasn’t at all, but sooner or later – usually later – he always approached his love interest and made the first step. Sure, when he was looking for a fuck, it wasn’t a big deal anyways. Looking the way he did, Jensen never had problems hitting on a guy and finding someone to spend the night with. Now he was slowly getting older, the times he was only looking for a one-night-stand were over. Jensen was looking for much more and he didn’t want to mess it up, especially not with Jared. Jared was much more than the man he was in love with; his co-star who played his baby brother and most importantly, his best friend. Ever. Jensen had dear friends, like Steve, Jason, or Chris, who were great to hang out with, to smoke weed with and to jam on their guitars, but Jared topped them. By miles. He was his shoulder to lean on, the rock in the turmoil his life often was, his pillar of strength. Jensen just couldn’t go over, knock on Jared’s trailer or hotel room door and tell him that he had fallen head over heels in love with him.

No, Jensen decided for a less obvious way to show his feelings. He wasn’t quite as much a touchy-feely person as Jared – but who was, anyways? – and sometimes Jensen felt awkward when he was hugged, especially by people he hardly knew, but being hugged by Jared? It felt like coming home. Being wrapped in Jared’s freakishly tall body, pressed against the heating pad his torso was, in the circle of his strong arms? Best thing ever. Even better than sex, because it felt real and genuine. Never once did Jensen complain about being draped in 6'4” of Padalecki and the better he knew his best friend, the more he was longing for those touches, returning them to Jared more than willingly and with a gentleness Jensen knew as more than uncommon between two male best friends. Yet, what Jensen mastered even better than hugging was talking. Some might call it chick-flick moments, totally unmanly, but he called it heart-to-heart talks. Being there, listening or just giving advice. Jensen did it countless times. Soothing Jared with words of comfort, praising him for his improvement in acting, or offering his ear when Jared had problems with Sandy or was homesick, missing his family or other friends. Everything Jensen said, even criticism, he wrapped in supportive words and even the usual bickering and bantering between the friends sounded almost like a love song.

Nevertheless, Jared seemed oblivious to Jensen’s serenades and allures. With every passing month they grew closer until they were joined at the hip, yet their relationship stayed purely platonic. Jensen started to wonder if he had been mistaken, if his feelings had cheated him and if perhaps Jared wasn’t the one after all, or at least not in the way Jensen wished him to be. Maybe they would indeed grow gray and old together – but as best friends and not as lovers, boyfriends, or husbands. It was a depressing thought. Jensen had always been ambitious and had fought for the things he wanted to have in his life. There was no way he would give up his hopes and dreams. Jared was worth fighting for.

Jensen’s world came crashing down when Jared told him that he had proposed to Sandy. Lump growing in his throat, Jensen thought he would suffocate and drown in his pain, but for the love of Jared, he overplayed his real emotions. He hugged Jared as tight as he could, closing his eyes to prevent tears from slipping down his cheeks and whispering his congratulations into Jared’s ear, telling him how happy he was for him. Flying high, too occupied with his joy, Jared didn’t even notice how Jensen was breaking inside, not questioning it when Jensen made a very lame excuse about a headache bugging him to flee Jared’s house and sulk for the whole weekend.

Only a couple of months after the proposal, the tide turned again and Jared and Sandy split up. Jared cried in his best friend's arms for a relationship that had seemed to be as strong as the roots of an old oak and for a future side by side with his girl. Being the good friend he was, Jensen was there for Jared, soothing him, holding him as tight as he could and talking to him like countless times before. He felt kind of bad because while Jared sobbed like a little kid, sniffing pathetically, the flame in his heart called hope was fanned again. Maybe now, as Jared was single again, his time would come.

Jensen’s time came, because when he was facing homelessness in summer, Jared offered to become his roommate. On one hand Jensen was squealing with glee, on the other hand he really had to think it through. Living with Jared was the chance he had been waiting for but if things went downhill, it would change everything and ruin the best friendship he had ever had. In the end though, Jensen decided that there was no way he could object. It was worth it to take the little risks because if things worked out, he would gain so much more.

But things didn’t work out the way Jensen had been hoping for. Weeks turned into months and although living with Jared was great – and just another proof that they completed each other perfectly – his timing was unbelievably bad. They were closer than ever before and there had been moments, more than he had fingers and toes, which could have led to more, yet Jensen couldn’t grab them. Sometimes he didn’t recognize those moments for what they were and ever so often he did, but just didn’t react in the way he should have. He hesitated, thought it through and then it was gone, as quickly as it had begun. 

Then Jared was introduced to Genevieve, the new Ruby, who was exactly Jared’s type, and it probably was unavoidable that his friend fell in love with her. Not at first sight. It was a process Jensen observed with concern, yet the more often Jared went out with Genevieve, the more he talked about her and the more often Jared brought her home to their house, the more Jensen’s dreams died a most painful death.

More than a year later, on a sunny yet cool day in autumn, Jared told Jensen that he had proposed, his voice oozing with affection for his fiancee and his eyes sparkling with joy. Before Jensen could even think about it he mentioned that he was also thinking about tying the knot with Danneel – who was his beard and didn’t even know it. Seventy-two hours later, Jensen spent a small fortune on a sparkling diamond ring and found himself engaged to his long-time fake girlfriend, a smile plastered on his lips while inside, he shattered into a thousand little pieces just like his future and his dreams.

Just a couple of days later Jensen mentioned that it was time to move out at last. He didn’t really want to. Why should he? He had the time of his life living with Jared, felt at home at his place, was living with his best friend and the guy he would always be in love with. Besides, he didn’t really need a place of his own for the few times Danneel would come over to visit him, since she had her life in LA. But his soon-to-be-wife had insisted on Jensen getting a place of his own, claiming that it was time and that he couldn’t live with his best buddy forever.

Jared’s glance was wandering over the several boxes that filled the now almost empty room. The only proof that it was still occupied – at least for this last night – was the novel on the nightstand and the tidily folded fresh clothes on the armchair. Everything else that had made this room Jensen’s home for over a year was packed away. Not only his countless trendy clothes but also the little things that had made the room comfortable and cozy, showing a hint of Jensen’s individuality. The framed photos of his family, friends and fiancé that had been standing on the chest of drawers. The many books in the narrow bookshelf that was still standing behind the armchair. The Ficus Benjamin Jensen had gotten when he had moved in and that had been on the verge of dying at least four times during this one year. His precious guitar standing in the corner between the window and the closet just like the several pictures on the wall.

Sighing, Jared turned his head to the man standing next to him. Jensen, who had been his best friend for almost five years now, who had shared laughter, joy and success, tears and exhaustion and for one year, his house. It had been Jared’s greatest year so far and it had been Jensen’s making. For the first time ever since Jared had been living in Vancouver he had felt at home there, just because Jensen had been with him. It had been easy, natural and comfortable living with his best friend, had left a feeling of friendship, family and love inside and he’d really miss him. But some things were not meant to last forever and them being roommates was one of them, just like it seemed that being together with Jensen wasn’t meant to be.

“So, that’s it.” Jensen broke the silence between them, his voice sounding slightly melancholic. “Thanks for giving me a hand, Jay.”

“Nothing to thank me for, dude,” Jared answered before he admitted, “though somehow I wish I didn’t have to do it.”

His best friend gave him a knowing smile. “In a way I wish that too. It was great, living with you. But we can’t keep on sharing a place forever, man. We’re both getting married soon and now that season six seems likely-,” Jensen shrugged, scratching his neck, “it’s time to get my own place.”

“Yeah… sure.” Jared sounded far from convinced. He would have given all his money to make Jensen stay.

“Dude, you won’t even notice that I’m gone, especially when Gen’s with you. You’ll be busy with stuff .” Wiggling his brows, Jensen smirked and Jared grinned back, dimples deep. He certainly would be busy with Genevieve, making out and making love to her in all the rooms of the house. Nevertheless he would miss having Jensen around. It wouldn’t help anything to discuss the matter further, though. They had done it half a dozen times in the past weeks and no matter what Jared had argued to convince his friend to stay, in the end Jensen had insisted on moving out and Jared had reluctantly accepted his friend’s wish. He could even understand it up to a certain degree. Getting married himself, Jensen wanted a place of his own, a place he and Danneel could call home here in Vancouver, especially as she wouldn’t want to be a guest at Jared’s house forever, which was Jensen’s main reason for finally buying his own home. Apart from that, it would have been unusual to keep their living arrangement once they got married. Besides, it wasn’t like Jensen didn’t regret moving out. More than once he had mentioned that he’d rather stay than move into a big place of his own where his only company was his leafy plants.

“So,” Jared said to change the subject from his sex life to safer grounds. “Last night. What do you want to do?”

“Dude, you’re talking like I’m migrating to China and not only moving two streets away. There will still be plenty of possibilities to spend the evenings or weekends together. You won’t even know the change.”

Jared wasn’t so sure about that. He knew his fiancé well enough. If Genevieve was staying here she would not want to share Jared with his friend who he was seeing most of the days anyways. She would want Jared’s full attention and wouldn’t be happy at all if Jensen came over whenever Danneel wasn’t with him. Danneel would probably ask Jensen to fly over to LA as often as possible and Jared had the feeling that he wouldn’t see that much of his friend outside the set anymore. But he didn’t want to think about that, it only upset him. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” The light note Jared struck made a mockery of his real feelings. He would miss Jensen the moment he left the house tomorrow and would probably never get used to not having him around anymore. “So, what do you think about ordering tons of food, drinking lots of beer and watching some movies?”

Jensen nodded enthusiastically and, curling his arms around Jared’s shoulder, both men left the room to spend their last evening as roommates together.

Sighing, Jensen nuzzled himself into his usual corner of the couch, knees pulled to his chest. It was his last night as Jared’s roommate. He was sure, he would crash here again, lie his head to rest on the familiar mattress in his room which would become the guest room again and probably sooner than later Jensen would find himself sitting in this very corner of the couch, nursing a beer and watching a movie with his best friend, but it wouldn’t be the same. He would be a guest again. Welcomed by Jared though only tolerated by Genevieve who hated to share her hubby-to-be, especially with his best buddy who Jared saw what felt like around the clock anyway. Jensen had loved living with Jared and sharing so much with his best friend. Even though what he wished for hadn’t happened, it had been a hell of an experience, a three-hundred and sixty degree insight of what kind of person Jared Padalecki was. He would miss it like hell. Jensen didn’t show it as openly as Jared who had begged him more than once to change his mind and to stay, but if he was totally honest with himself, he loathed the fact that he had to move out.

Maybe it was time to finally get a place of his own. He was almost thirty-two, was going to get married in a few months and it wasn’t that he couldn’t afford a nice place for himself and his fake wife. Yet somehow it felt so pointless. Danneel would be working, in LA or somewhere else but probably not in Vancouver, so why would he need a big house with an even bigger backyard for them and their tiny dog when she only came over once a month? But Danneel had insisted on Jensen getting a house, and had always felt like an intruder when she had to stay at Jared’s place. He knew Genevieve felt the same way, regarding Jensen as the intruder, so reluctantly Jensen had started looking for houses – but on his own terms. It was bad enough that he would have to move out but by all means he wanted to stay in the neighborhood. With a bit of luck, Jensen had found a nice house just around the corner, only a five minute walk away from Jared’s. He could come over whenever he was in the mood to see his friend and vice versa, but still, it wouldn’t be the same.

Jensen sighed again, let his finger run through his short hair and down his neck, until his hand came to rest on his shoulder, trying to massage it. Stiff and tense, it hurt real bad after hours of packing boxes. That’s when Jared came in, loaded with the Chinese and Italian food Jensen had ordered twenty minutes earlier while Jared had been out with the dogs for their evening walk.

“Hey,” Jared called, “met the delivery boy when I came back. Looks like you ordered half the menu.”

Jensen grinned in reply. They always ordered so much food that even Jared couldn’t scarf everything at once and that left them with enough leftovers for later that night or lunch the next day. Absentmindedly kneading his hurting shoulder, he watched Jared unpacking the brown bags, placing box after box onto the coffee table that soon was filled with food, the aroma of spices, herbs and meat already strong in Jensen’s nose.

“Jen, what are you doing?” Jared asked as he folded the empty bags together so that they could use them as garbage bags later. “Looks like you’re trying to give yourself a massage. Are you hurting?”

Jensen scrunched his face in pain. “Yeah.” The ache in his shoulders came and went, but today, after a day filled with packing and carrying boxes, it was worse than normal.

“Want me to give you a proper one after dinner?”

Despite his pain, Jensen managed a smile. “Would be great. You know how I love your massages.” That was an understatement. These massages were the closest thing he and Jared had to what you could call sensual, with a sexual vibe in the air. Whenever Jared kneaded Jensen’s tense muscles, whenever he let his long, strong fingers run over his greasy skin smelling deliciously of massage oil, the air was sparkling with tension.

“Sure. First though, we should eat. I’m starving.” Jared’s grumpily growling tummy underlined his statement.

Hungry himself, the deliciously scent of food watering his mouth, Jensen nodded in agreement, handing over a cool beer and smiling gratefully at his best friend. He switched on the DVD player, took a mouthful of his lager and the two friends started their feast, eating everything mixed up, easy banter between them, the movie only a steady buzz of dialogue and noises in the background. 

Half an hour later the actors were more than full, the coffee table scattered with a dozen of half-empty boxes. Jensen finished his beer with a long, deep draught and stretched himself before snuggling back into the couch, pressing one of the velvety pillows against his slightly swollen tummy.

For a while, they watched the movie in mutual silence, both snuggled in their respective corner, yet their bent legs touching in the middle of the couch. Once in a while, they would laugh or gasp in mocked shock or sip on their fresh beers, their eyes not on the big screen but on each other.

“You still need that massage, Jen?”

“Course I do. But I’m so full, I think I’d puke all over your pretty carpet if I’d be lying on my belly for longer than one minute.” Once more, Jensen pressed his hand against the tiny curve, rubbing it carefully. “And I think this wouldn’t be the best way to keep myself in your memory. Maybe in half an hour?”

Jared scooted closer, brushing Jensen’s hand away gently only to place his own warm hand on Jensen’s abs, feeling the swell the food had caused. “Absolutely.” He gave the tummy a gentle rub. “This is far too fat to be lied on, dude,” Jared stated with such seriousness that Jensen would have believed him, had he not known Jared that well. “You need to be careful, otherwise you’ll grow chubby as -”

The pillow Jensen had hugged against his stomach flew against Jared’s head and Jared laughed, burying his head against Jensen’s abdomen and nibbling on the tummy gently. It caused a whirlwind of emotions inside Jensen, yet like every time when Jared was just a hint too close, fondling and teasing him gently like that, Jensen brushed it away. Besides, the gentle movements tickled far too much and he found himself giggling, his hands in Jared’s head, trying only half-heartedly to tug him away from his stomach that really hurt now from laughing so hard.

Eventually, Jared was done, laughing hysterically himself, looking up, tears in his eyes. Instantly, Jensen found himself in Jared’s arms, two bodies pressed together while both slowly calmed down, wiping away their tears, not only crying in happiness, but also in regret, because soon, those moments between them would become scarce.

***

“Ready to be kneaded?” Jared asked eventually, turning away from the screen and towards his best friend.

“Sure.” Jensen couldn’t wait to feel Jared’s hand on his shoulders and back. “Here?” He pointed at the sofa.

“Nah, I need space to handle you.” Jared grinned sassily. “We should go upstairs into my bedroom and take the DVD with us.”

Jensen brushed the offer away. “The movie sucks. Don’t really need to see the rest of it. But your bed is definitely more comfortable than the sofa.” Jensen didn’t really have to think twice about accepting the suggestion. He had gotten more massages than he could count by Jared and most of them in Jared’s bedroom. Sometimes he had fallen asleep afterward and the waking hours later, facing Jared’s sleeping features, beautiful and peaceful, had been a dream coming true. He wouldn’t say no to an offer like that, hoping that maybe he would even be allowed to fall asleep next to his best friend one last time.

Jared led the way upstairs where he waited for Jensen, who was fetching some fresh beverages from the fridge, while he prepared the bed. He scrunched the pillows and the comforter into one corner of the bed, spread a soft, freshly laundered fluffy towel over the sheet, fetched the bottle of perfumed massage oil from the cabinet in the adjoining bathroom and turned some music on. Nothing romantic, just a local radio station broadcasting some chart show. Jared turned the volume down so that it was only a faint sound in the background, but it took away the complete silence and made it more cozy for himself and Jensen.

He had more than willingly offered to give his friend another massage. First of all, Jared really was skilled with that. He had even asked his own masseur in the gym for a few tricks. Secondly, he loved nothing more than giving Jensen a massage. It probably was the closest he would ever get to touching Jensen’s slightly freckled skin and running his fingers over his strong back while Jensen puffed out those happy, very pleased moans of pure well-being that had made Jared half-hard more than once. The air between them was often crackling with tension and expectation, maybe even with a promise of what could be, if he touched Jensen just a little differently, but Jared had never dared to take this step. He couldn’t molest his best friend like that, while Jensen’s face was pressed into the mattress, his eyes unable to see what Jared was doing to him.

Jensen’s steps in the hallway, followed by the slight creak of his bedroom door, pulled Jared out of his mischievous thoughts and he busied himself with unscrewing the massage oil.

“Hey.” Jensen gave Jared a grateful smile, putting the water bottles on the nightstand before he Jensen stripped off his tee, revealing a nicely sculpted body, muscular and slender, despite the tiny bulge in his middle. 

Jared had to think about the most unerotic thing ever to prevent himself from getting a hard-on in an instance. Instead of staring at Jensen for too long, he swallowed hard and took his eyes off his best friend’s torso, busying himself with preparations though there wasn’t much to do anymore. When his mouth started to water, despite his very good thoughts, Jared fled into the bathroom, washing his hands, muttering something about “smells like pizza” under his breath before splashing some ice-cold liquid into his heated face.

He found Jensen lying on the bed when he returned, chest pressed flat against the mattress, head turned to the left, facing Jared, giving him one of those smiles he seemed to save just for Jared. Swallowing almost imperceptibly, Jared went over to his Jensen’s side of the bed, grabbed the oil and put a generous amount on his big palm. The scent of Ylang-Ylang oil filled his nose at once and he rubbed his hands together for warmth before he sat down on the edge of the bed, placing them warm and wide on Jensen’s shoulder-blades.

“Are my hands warm enough, Jen?” He wanted Jensen to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible.

All his friend uttered was a weak and almost sleepy “Mmmm” but it was enough for Jared to start his work, spreading the oil all over Jensen’s back before he started to massage him. The muscles  were really tense and Jared worked hard to loosen them. Unsure if he was maybe hurting Jensen, Jared asked if things were good but all he got as a reply was a purr of pure well-being and a happy little sigh, the half of Jensen’s face Jared could see relaxed, happiness forming his lips into a contented smile.

Happy moans escaped Jensen’s throat with almost every squeeze Jared applied to his pained muscles and Jared started to talk, talking about random things to distract himself from these sweet sounds and in a hopeless attempt to drown them out. His cock stirred in interest but Jared tried to ignore it, kneading Jensen’s back passionately. Deep and strong, Jared buried his fingers into the spots he knew were particularly troubling his friend, before he moved his fingers down Jensen’s spine, stroking and carefully pinching Jensen’s greasy skin to stimulate his blood circulation.

After what felt like hours Jensen’s moans changed into sweet sighs that were just as erotic until they finally stopped as well, being replaced by deep, even breathing. Jensen had fallen asleep, the hard day on set and the packing finally taking their toll. For a while, Jared’s hand stayed where they were, palms still pressed against Jensen's back, fingers spread wide and warm, thumbs gently rubbing over Jensen’s shining, oily skin. For Jared it was the only possibility to give Jensen the gentle little gestures he was longing to give him every day and it left a strange feeling of melancholy in his heart as he tenderly petted Jensen's skin while some stupid love song was playing on the radio.

When his chest had tightened so much that he felt like finally bursting into tears Jared went into his bathroom. He almost stumbled into the shower, jerking himself off, hard and fast, the water thundering down at him, hot steam billowing through the small room, while his friend’s moans were still ringing in his ears and the picture of his body and the beautiful face was swimming in front of his closed eyes.

When Jared returned, Jensen was still asleep and hadn’t even changed position, lying flat on his belly, one half of his face pressed into the mattress. Jared prepared the bed again, carefully tugging the towel smudged with drops of oil out from beneath Jensen’s body and slipping a pillow underneath Jensen’s head. When his task was done Jared’s fingers ghosted through Jensen’s short hair a few times. A little sigh escaped his best friend’s velvety lips though Jensen didn’t wake up, breathing as calm as before. 

Jared had to tear himself away from the peaceful sight, busying himself with pulling the comforter over Jensen’s body, making sure he was warmly tucked in. Looking down at Jensen, Jared’s heart swelled with affection. He couldn’t resist putting a little kiss on the shoulder that was exposed, tasting a slight hint of the oil, his breath caressing the many caramel colored freckles. His softly whispered “Sleep tight, Jen” sounded almost like the “I love you” Jared so hoped to tell Jensen one day.

He switched the radio and the lights off and crawled beneath the cover, close to Jensen so that he could feel his warmth and presence. While Jared was on the verge of falling asleep, his arm sneaked over Jensen’s back, caressing the soft skin absentmindedly until he finally fell asleep.

Jensen was dreaming. It had to be a dream because it felt like his dreams were coming true. It started with Jared giving him a wonderfully relaxing massage, his hands strong yet gentle, running up and down his back, causing little waves of pleasure with every movement and soft moans and sighs escaping Jensen’s lips. Yet, when he was done, Jared didn’t take his hands away. He kept them warm on Jensen’s back, stroking his skin so tenderly that it made his skin come up in goose bumps and caused a lump, bigger than an apple, to grow in Jensen’s throat. When the warm, gentle touch was gone Jensen felt cold and sad but after a while it was back, long fingers now stroking over his head so lightly as if it was caressed by the softest feather. He felt himself tucked in, now safely encased by the soft, warm material of Jared’s comforter. The dream got even better when his best friend whispered a gentle “Sleep tight, Jen” that sounded like the most beautiful love song and that was followed by warm lips pressed against his shoulder, lingering for a few moments. The dream ended with Jared’s long arm looping over his back and tender fingers stroking his skin absentmindedly again before Jensen was embraced by a deep, warm, calming and dreamless darkness.

***

Jensen woke up at the crack of dawn, the gray light of the new morning creeping through the few gaps in the closed shutters. He hadn’t been woken up by the daylight tickling his eyes but by a warm hand twitching over his back. Jared’s relaxed, sleeping face was so close next to his that their noses almost touched and his fingers were only millimeters away from Jensen’s, the halo of warmth grazing his own. 

Still sleep-drunk, Jensen couldn’t resist touching those fingers, caressing the fine bones sleepily. A happy sigh escaped Jared’s throat and Jared reacted instinctively, twining his fingers with Jensen’s. Surprise and a feeling of prohibition swept into Jensen’s mind, being replaced by happiness just a second later. Being connected to Jared like that, holding his hand, something Jensen had wanted to do for years, left warmth in his gut and a feeling of safety and love in his heart. He gently brushed his fingertips over Jared’s hand before gliding into the world of sleep once more.

***

When Jensen woke up again it was because the hand that had warmed his waist was suddenly gone. He opened his eyes, blinking and squeezing it shut but for a small slit as a ray of light was shining directly into his face. When his eyes had adjusted, Jensen looked into big hazel eyes, still a bit sleepy, looking at him with affection.

“Morning, Jen,” Jared mumbled sleepily.

“Morning.” Jensen yawned heartily, rubbing his sleep-crusted eyes.

Jared smiled. “How’re you? Is your back still hurting?”

Jensen moved his shoulders and the muscles felt soft like butter. “Nah. Thanks Jay.” He moved his hand over Jared’s arm, squeezing it briefly. “Again your fingers worked a miracle. I feel like awesome.” He beamed at his friend. “Sorry I fell asleep here.” Heat crept into Jensen’s cheeks.

“You know I don’t mind, Jen.”

“Thanks”. It was much more than gratitude for the massage but for everything else. Jared seemed to understand because without saying a word he put a little kiss on Jensen’s cheek, his lips lingering there for two heartbeats before Jared got up and left for the bathroom.

Jensen was baffled, feeling the spot where his friend’s lips had touched him tingling. Once more, he didn’t even notice that it had happened again. A special moment of being closer than friends yet like so often, it was gone in the wind.

His bed was empty when Jared left the bathroom, a towel draped around his waist and his hair still dripping with moisture. Jensen had left for his own room. Jared donned comfortable clothes, toweled his mop of hair dry and went downstairs to surprise Jensen with a breakfast, offering all of Jensen’s favorite treats.

When Jensen entered the kitchen half an hour later he was met by the scent of freshly brewed coffee and the kitchen table laden with a big variety of deliciously smelling food.

“Wow,” Jensen stammered, rubbing his eyes, as if he had seen a mirage. “Gosh Jay, I don’t know what to say.”

Happy that his friend seemed to be so touched by the such a small gesture, Jared grinned, very satisfied with his idea and its outcome. “How about you just tuck in? I’m starving.”

“Like always,” Jensen bantered. Refilling Jared’s mug with coffee before filling his own, Jensen sat down and enjoyed the various things Jared had prepared: toast, eggs, bacon, cereal and fruit, even pancakes, as well as fresh orange juice. Everything was delicious and both munched with a lot of appetite, Jared’s big as a hippo’s as always, Jensen’s hardly smaller today.

Had it not been for the elephant in the room, it would have been a breakfast like on many Sunday mornings. Yet, the fact that it was Jensen’s last breakfast as Jared’s roommate kept them company, darkening their moods and robbing both men of their usual companionship, the atmosphere between them just a tad too strained.

When they were finally done, their bellies once more filled with too much food, stretching both their tees with a telltale sign, Jensen started to clear the plates away. Despite being sated so well, he seemed sad, and Jared couldn’t really bear it. As Jensen was busying himself on the kitchen counter, Jared got up, slipping his arms around him from behind, spreading his hands wide on his torso, one on his chest, right above his heart and one on the soft swell of his tummy. 

Jensen took in a deep, hurting breath, probably as aware as Jared that the way Jared held him was more than intimate. Yet, it felt right, doing it and Jared pressed Jensen close against his chest. “Don’t be sad, Jen,” he whispered softly. “There’ll be more nights to spend together. More opportunities for a massage and to sleep in my bed. More breakfasts. Simply more times to fill your belly and make sure you become fat.” He chuckled lightheartedly, suddenly feeling a little better, the growl that escaped Jensen’s throat in mocking annoyance making him smile.

“You’ll become very fat,” Jensen said, turning in Jared’s arms and placing his hands around Jared’s neck, pressing himself against his best friend. Their tummies touched, as if the tiny bulges were kissing each other. It sent a shiver of pure pleasure down his spine. “Because from now on, you’ll have to eat all the stuff you get on your own. I’ll still love you, though. Even if you’re super fat.”

“You love me?”

Jensen hesitated, just a millisecond, and Jared didn’t think anything of it.

 “Sure I do, oaf.” Jensen’s hands tousled his hair. “No matter where we are, Jay, we’ll always be friends.” For a second, a play of emotions flitted over Jensen’s face, but it was gone far too soon to read it properly. “Now, how about you go take the babies for their walk and I’ll get everything ready?”

Squeezing Jared again, Jensen let go, turning towards the sink, leaving Jared in a weird emotional state.

***

The weather was sunny but chilly when Jared left his house, Harley and Sadie almost dragging him over the pavement that was covered with red and yellow-gold leaves that rustled beneath his shoes. His thoughts wandered from the very intimate moment in the kitchen to the equally special minutes of waking next to Jensen. Jared remembered waking up, his best friend’s waist beneath his palm and Jensen’s fingers laced with his own. It made Jared smile. He recalled falling asleep with his arm wrapped around Jensen but he didn’t have a clue how he had ended up holding Jensen’s hand. Not that it mattered much. All that mattered was the wonderful feeling it had left in Jared’s heart, butterfly wings fluttering excitedly in his gut and sending shiver after shiver through his body. Maybe he should have just kissed Jensen awake, like Sleeping Beauty, making his own fairy-tale that Jared still didn’t believe in, come true. Instead, he had drawn back again, had taken away the hand on Jensen’s waist. It must have woken him up because only seconds later Jared had looked into this beloved sea of green, sparkled with golden dots, quickly becoming slits because the sun had blinded Jensen.

Jared sighed, for the first time noticing the surroundings again, the sun warming his cool face, his dogs tugging on their leashes as he entered the small park he always took them to for their walk. He let them off, his eyes following their running bodies, these thoughts yet still circling around Jensen, wondering why it didn’t seem to be meant to be.

Jensen groaned as he carried the last, particularly heavy box into his new living-room, placing it next to the one with his countless DVDs.

“Done,” he breathed out, wiping sweat off his forehead, gratefully accepting the fresh bottle of water Jared silently handed him. He emptied a third in a few thirsty gulps before he slumped onto the brand new couch that had been delivered some days ago.

“Finally,” agreed Jared. “Can’t believe how much stuff you actually had in that room of yours.”

“Well, it was stuffed to the roof.” Jensen laughed. “And don’t forget the half a dozen boxes that were stored in your basement, untouched for a year.”

“Yeah, how could I, taking away the space for the pool I always wanted to get. And I bet they will be banished into some dark corner again.” Slipping off his shoes and catapulting them into a corner of the freshly painted room, Jared slumped down on the sofa, too, crossing his legs Indian style and massaging his feet.

“Nah, they won’t. There’s stuff inside I’ll need now, cutlery, tableware and all that kitchen stuff.”

Jared laughed, quite sure that Jensen wouldn’t start cooking like a chef all of a sudden. “Thinking about kitchen stuff - how about lunch?”

“More tea-time, Jay, it's almost five pm. Actually I can't believe that you made it for such a long time without even a gummy worm.” He gave Jared’s abs, now back in shape and the bump from breakfast only a memory, a gentle pat. “You’re more than welcome to stay but don´t you need a bit of time off?”

“Nope. Can’t leave you alone with all these boxes, man. And to be honest,” Jared took a deep breath, suddenly looking uncommonly lost, “I don’t want to go home yet. Would feel empty and too quiet.” Jensen was taken aback by the sudden change of Jared’s mood. His best friend’s sad voice matched the sad look in his eyes, glistening with tears that were burning so heavily and which Jared tried in vain to choke down.

“Jay,” Jensen said, reaching out his hand and brushing a tear from Jared’s cheek. The fact that Jared was crying because he had moved out made Jensen feel not only very guilty, but made him love Jared even more. “Don’t cry. Please. I’m not worth it. It’s just five minutes away from your place. We´ll see each other all the time on set. You can come over whenever you want, okay?”

Sniffing and rubbing his eyes, Jared nodded. Nevertheless Jared still looked so sad and pathetic that Jensen knew only one remedy to chase that look away. Curling his arms around his best friend, he tugged him closer for a tight hug, given to take the pain away. “This is not China, Jay.” He rubbed his hands over Jared’s broad back. “Just like your place is mine, this place is yours, okay?” Jensen put all his love into this hug, hoping that Jared understood, that it made him feel a little better and help him to understand that, why things of course had changed, their friendship and bond hadn’t. “We’ll still see each other all the time.” He started to play with Jared’s hair, a little moist in the neck, curling the shiny strands around his finger and uncurling them again.

Eventually, it was Jared who drew back, trying for a brave face, yet still looking as if someone had kidnapped his dogs.

“Better?” Jensen smiled, carefully disentangling his fingers from Jared’s mop of hair and placing his hand against his neck instead.

“Yeah. Sorry, I'm such a girl.”

“My favorite in the world,” Jensen shot back, but like so often, Jared didn’t get the message. How could he, fighting for composure? “I don't blame you, Jay. As nice as the house is, I know that I’ll be lonely without you here. So, if it makes you feel better, cry as much as you need to. I’m here to catch you.”

***

Jensen was lying awake, staring at a random spot in the darkness, longing for sleep that just didn’t want to come. He was tired like hell after hours of unpacking stuff and putting it in shelves, drawers and closets but the relaxing embrace of sleep just stayed away. His mind was too occupied, with the gentle moment his day started, the way Jared had held him in the kitchen, not like a friend or brother, but like a partner. Jared’s tears in the late afternoon, the pitying, almost hurting look when Jensen had sent him home minutes before midnight with another tight hug and his thanks. His own tears he had been holding back for a while and that had been running down his cheeks as soon as he had heard the roaring sound of Jared’s car. He knew what he had said – the whole thing was not worth tears – but it had been a lie, a stupid attempt to console them both. Because not living with Jared anymore was worth every single tear he cried.

Apart from those thoughts he simply didn’t feel comfortable in his new bedroom. It was a cozy room, bright, already furnished, with curtains in front of the big windows, shutters that kept the light out in the night and rugs on the hardwood floor, the bed big and the mattress nice and soft. Yet it didn’t feel like home. When he had moved in with Jared it had been different. The first night had been relaxing, the room he had moved into, although it had been far from cozy at first, a place to feel safe at once. Now the new bedroom, just like the whole house, felt cold, empty and lonely.

He turned around once more, buried his head deeper into the pillow and snuggled even tighter into the comforter but still, Jensen was sleepless. Minutes turned into hours until eventually the darkness outside was driven away by the gray light of dawn. As the first rays of sun seeped through the shutters Jensen got up, hoping that he could catch some sleep the next night.

***

Jensen couldn’t sleep in the second night at his new place either, nor in the third and fourth. He only found some rest when he was with Jared, during a break from shooting, sitting next to him, while getting another massage on the bed in his trailer or while watching TV on his couch, his best friend by his side. Then the knowledge of having Jared by his side eventually lulled him in but the rest he got wasn’t enough regarding their long and demanding working schedules. The shadows beneath Jensen’s eyes got darker, his posture more bent, his eyes smaller and he could tell from Jared’s glances and supporting touches that his friend was worried about him.

On Thursday, after the fifth sleepless night, Jensen finally broke down. It had been a shitty morning on set and he had screwed up the tenth take of a simple scene when the director finally showed mercy and gave them one hour off. Jensen stumbled over to his trailer and hardly made it to his bed before he broke down, shaken by tears and heavy gasps. Never before in his life had Jensen felt so lonely and so exhausted.

He cried like a kid until eventually, it probably was only after a minute or two, he felt a warm hand on his arm and fingers gently brushing through his hair. “Jen, hey. What’s wrong?” Jared asked, sounding concerned and soothing at the same time.

Jensen was still breathing hard and he didn’t reply for a while before at last he squeezed out an exhausted “Tired”.

“Why?” Jared asked, still stroking over Jensen’s head and neck. “Don’t you sleep well in your new place?”

“Not slept… at all.”

Jared sucked in a sharp breath, stopping in his gentle caresses for a bit. “You didn’t sleep in the past five nights?”

Jensen nodded weakly. Gosh, he was so tired. All he wanted was to curl up, right here in this bed, covered by a blanket and his best friend next to him. Gosh, he was so pathetic.

“Why Jen?” Jared resumed his gentle caresses, his fingers slowly moving over Jensen’s shoulders before they brushed through his hair. Make-up had to do it anew, but it was a small price to pay for having Jared’s fingers in his hair and the comfort that came with the little touches.

“Don’t know. Maybe because the house still seems so unfamiliar?” Jensen squeezed out. Actually Jensen knew exactly why he couldn’t sleep. He missed his old and real home. Jared. The knowledge that he was simply there, that he could come to see him whenever he wanted to. Jared. His clothes scattered over the living-room, hoodies, jeans and socks, the mess he left, mugs, glasses and dirty plates. His smile whenever Jensen joined him for a meal or in the living-room. The domesticity that came with sorting laundry, wiping surfaces or working in the backyard.

“You’ll get used to it, I’m sure. It just takes time.” The way Jared moved his hand through his hair and over his scalp was very nice. “Wait till Danni comes around for the first time.” Oh, if Jared knew that they didn’t even share bedrooms, that they just visited each other and that, more often or not, Jensen found a reason to not have sex with her, because he hated it so much. His dick inside her. It felt so wrong, so dirty, but it was necessary to keep the farce. “Want to sleep now?”

“Yeah… I’d love to.” Jensen snuggled deeper into the mattress. “Not sure if I can, though.”

“Course you can. Want me to stay for a while?”

Jensen didn’t even hesitate to accept Jared’s offer, sure that it would be so much better if he had Jared by his side. “Would be nice”, Jensen murmured, giving Jared a small grateful smile, feeling a little less pathetic, because Jared had offered and he was sure, somewhere in the universe there was a place where it was absolutely normal and a daily occurrence to fall asleep next to your best friend.

Jared stayed. He draped a blanket over Jensen to make sure he wasn’t cold and sat down on his bed again, brushing his hand over his friend’s neck and shoulder, just being with him. Not even a minute later, Jensen was finally sleeping again.

Jared was lying in his bed, his fiancee’s soft breathing the only sound in the otherwise silent room. He had been planning to spend Friday evening with Jensen, keeping him company and making sure he would catch a bit of sleep when his cell had started ringing. It had been Genevieve, sourly asking where the hell he was. She had been coming over to Vancouver for a surprise visit and found an empty house instead of her overly excited boyfriend and that hadn’t gone down well with her. Jared had known it would have been in vain to argue so he had reluctantly left Jensen’s place with a hug and a promise on his lips to call on Saturday. Jared hated himself for it. It had felt like abandoning his friend who was so miserable, an unknown burden weighing heavily on his shoulders.

Carefully he got out of the bed and grabbed his cell from the nightstand. Almost soundlessly, Jared sneaked out of his bedroom and over to the room he used as an office. He sat down on the comfortable armchair, sending a simple text to his best friend. U asleep?

Instead of an answer Jared’s phone rang not even a minute later.

“Obviously not.” Jensen’s voice sounded tired and close to breaking. Jared sighed, being worried about Jensen and feeling helpless. What could he do to make Jensen sleep like a baby again?

“Hey, I’m sorry I had to go. I didn’t have a clue Gen was coming. Great surprise.” Sarcasm was dripping from Jared’s voice. He really was less than happy that she had appeared so unexpectedly on his doorstep.

“Nah, that’s fine. Not your fault. She’s your fiancee. You should be glad for having her around and not my sorry ass.”

“Yeah, she is,” Jared answered, hearing the lack of excitement in his voice, wondering why he had proposed to her not even after a year of dating. “But still, I'd have rather stayed with you, Jen. All Genevieve was talking about was family, friends and auditions. Not to forget the ever present wedding. But anyways, what are you doing, man?”

“Lying in bed, watching TV. Hoped it’d lull me in.”

“No success?”

“Dumb question, dude. Otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you, jerk.” Jensen shot back, but despite his wording, there was fondness in his voice.

“Jen?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you want me to come over?” Jared was surprised by the gentleness in his voice, far more than by the offer per se. It’s where he should be, where he would be, had his stupid girlfriend not come over for an unannounced visit Jared had never asked for in the first place.

“Gosh no.” The reply came far too quick.

“It wouldn’t be a problem, you know.” It was as if some magnet drew Jared to where his friend was lying sleepless in his bedroom. “I shouldn’t have left in the first place.”

It was quiet for a while until Jared could almost see Jensen thinking about the offer, his brow furrowed and his fingers scratching his neck. “What about Gen? She’ll be pissed.”

Jared didn’t care one bit. All he cared about right now was his best friend’s health. “Let her be pissed.”

“Sure?”

“Course. She should have called before flying over. She knows I sometimes have plans for the weekend. So, I’ll be with you in ten minutes. Do you mind me bringing the dogs?”

“Course not.”

Jared said a quick goodbye, scribbled a note to Genevieve and sneaked back into his bedroom to change his pajamas for his jeans and a tee. He woke the dogs who looked slightly surprised to go for a walk in the middle of the night and ten minutes later he was standing in front of Jensen’s dimly lit house, ringing his doorbell.

“Hey, come in.” Jared was greeted by a tired but cheery Jensen who wore nothing else than dark pajama pants, his muscular chest looking unusually pale in the hallway’s faint light.

The dogs stormed inside and Jared followed them, watching Jensen squatting down, petting Harley and Sadie who greeted his friend with much more enthusiasm than they had ever greeted his girlfriend. Sadie licked Jensen’s ear, eliciting a laugh out of his throat, something Jared had missed hearing the whole week.

“So, what do you want to do?”

“Well, what about watching TVf and maybe you try and catch some sleep then.”

“Bedroom okay for you?” Jensen tried to hide the slight flush of red on his cheeks while examining Sadie’s fur but Jared noticed it nevertheless. It was a bit strange because actually they had been spending time in their bedrooms together before, more than once, but somehow it was a gorgeous sight, warming his heart.

“Sure. Far better for your shoulder than the couch, in case you finally fall asleep, man.”

***

Five minutes later Jared was lying in Jensen’s bed, having swapped his jeans for sweatpants Jensen had given him because they were more comfortable.

“Jen,” Jared stated as he snuggled into the many pillows, “I can’t believe you can’t sleep here. The bed is so comfortable.”

“The bed’s not the problem, Jay,” Jensen remarked with a quiet voice.

Jared tore his eyes away from the big TV screen and looked at his best friend’s face instead. “Then what is it, Jen? What troubles you?” His voice was soft and warm, inviting Jensen to trust him with his problems and worries.

Jensen hesitated, biting his lower lip. He seemed self-conscious, something that was so rare in Jared’s company nowadays, looking down at his hands, playing with the comforter. “I think I… ummm… miss your place. You know, just the knowledge to have you and the dogs around. This place here, it’s nice but empty. It feels cold and a bit lonely.”

Jensen’s words warmed his heart and caused a tingly feeling in his gut. “Jen? I miss you, too. Your grumpy face every morning, when you are stumbling into the kitchen for your first dose of caffeine and emptying the pot without leaving me enough for a second mug. Every evening when I’m alone with the dogs in the living-room. Your stupid comments, talking sports, friends and family. I even miss giving you a massage. It really isn’t the same without you.”

“No, it isn’t.”

It was quiet for a while and finally Jared could hear the movie’s dialogues again but he really wasn’t interested in it anymore and he could see the fatigue in Jensen’s features. “Jen, switch the TV off and go to sleep. You really need it. I don't want you to be sick. And I’ll stay if you want me to.”

“You don’t have to, Jay.” His words betrayed his hopeful look.

“I know that, Jen. But I want to. Do you want me to stay?”

The older man hesitated for only a second. “Sure.”

“Good. Then be quiet and close your eyes.” He took the remote and switched the TV off while Jensen snuggled down onto the mattress, his eyes already closed.

Jared turned the lights off and made himself comfortable again, his body turned so that he was facing his friend though he couldn’t see a thing in the almost complete darkness.

It was quiet for a while and Jared was sure Jensen had finally fallen asleep when he heard him mumble a tired, “Thanks, Jay”.

“Nothing to thank me for, Jen. Now, sleep tight.” He brushed his fingers over Jensen’s hand that was resting on the pillow next to his own and Jensen twined them together, smiling. Finally, at long last, they somehow knew how they were feeling for each other.

Jensen woke up because the warm body lying next to him was suddenly gone. “Mmmm…. stay,” he complained sleepily, satisfied when Jared promised he would be back soon.

Half asleep he waited for his friend's return, the few minutes feeling like a lifetime, his heart beating faster than usual, with those butterflies dancing in his belly like they hadn’t for a very long time. Then Jared was back, his feet whispering over the wooden floor before his warm body finally joined him in bed again.

“Hey,” Jared said softly. “Slept well?”

“Yeah. Felt better than ever before.”

“Good Jen. That’s good.”

It was quiet for a while. Jensen could more feel Jared’s outline than actually see it in the darkness. He was nervous but for the first time since he had fallen in love with Jared he was hopeful that his feelings were really mutual. He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly, looking for his courage to finally say what he needed to say. “Jay? Am I mistaken or… is there something more between us? Something more than friendship?“ Finally, it was out. He was grateful that Jared couldn’t see him clearly, couldn’t see him blushing like a teenage girl and the expression on his face, both scared and hopeful.

Jared took a deep breath, shifting under the comforter, his hand brushing over the bedlinen until it finally found Jensen’s and covered it, squeezing once in an assuring gesture. “You’re not mistaken, Jen. There has always been something more than friendship, at least on my side. But I never thought the feelings were mutual, Jen. I always believed you to be straight.”

Jensen’s heart was beating like a blacksmith’s hammer against his chest and yet he still couldn’t repress a chuckle when he finally came out to his best friend. “I’m gay, Jared.”

A very surprised gasp pierced the silence in the room. “But… Danni…?”

“What about Gen?” Jensen asked in return instead of answering. There was enough time to tell Jared about his relationship with Danneel or being gay.

“I’m bi, Jen,” Jared explained with gentleness in his voice. “And I love her, I really do. She might have her faults, like coming over uninvited and being possessive like the demon bitch she played but she is a good girl.”

Jensen felt his heart break. “So… it’s too late for us? Are you going to stick to your vow and marry her?”

“I don’t know, Jen. I know what I want and what I feel, but we shouldn’t rush anything. I can’t promise you a happily ever after when my wife-to-be is lying not even a mile away from here. And there’s our jobs, our families and friends. What will they say?”

Jensen knew Jared was right. He had never loved Danneel like that. He'd gladly break the engagement for a life with the man he loved. But with Jared it was different. He obviously was attracted to his girlfriend and took the promise he had given to her, the promise to marry her, seriously. And then there was their jobs. The business wasn’t kind to gay actors, probably particularly not to gay actors who played brothers. Reluctantly he admitted, “Yeah, you are right. We shouldn’t rush anything. But will we be good, if it won’t work out? If you decide to stay with Gen? It might be awkward.” Now, as the truth was out, he was scared of losing Jared. What if things between them changed now? What if they shied away from each other, would think everything they said and did over, until all they had between them was awkwardness and the will to be somewhere else.

“Yeah, it might be awkward. But we will always be good, Jen. We’re strong. Even if nothing more happens between us, in the end, we’ll still be Jared and Jensen, co-stars, best friends and brothers. No matter what, Jen, you’ll always be in my heart.” Sliding closer, Jared wrapped his free arm around Jensen. For a very long time, they just lay together in Jensen’s bed, cuddled close, listening to the other’s breathing and the beats of their hearts, being one and very content.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Genevieve was pissed. More than pissed. It was not only the harsh question that spoke volumes about how she felt but everything else, her tone, her posture, her expression. She looked exactly like the bitchy demon she had been playing on the show and not like the sweet girl he had made love to yesterday.

“Didn’t you read my note? I went to Jensen’s.”

“Right. You went to Jensen. In the middle of the night. Where else could you have been? You went to see your fucking best friend and co-star you see all the fucking time and can´t spend eight hours in bed with your fiancee,” she spat out, her speech far quicker than usual, her voice shrill and nasty.

“Gen… Jensen has been having a rough time,” Jared tried to reason with her, reaching out his hand in a peaceful gesture. “I’ve been worried about him. I -”

“And I don't give a damn, Jared!!” Genevieve yelled with fury. “I know you are close and I get it. Your bond is special blahblahblah but I am your fiancee, not him! And no matter if he is having a heartache or is dying, you are supposed to be with me especially after we haven’t seen one another ever since you proposed. But maybe you forgot that?!”

“Of course not. But I’m not sure if you really understand. Jensen and I, that’s special.” From the beginning, that first date and that first kiss, Genevieve hadn’t understood the important part Jensen played in Jared’s life and the special bond that bound them together, a bond Jared now, as he knew about his best friend’s feelings, made even more sense than it had before.

“I don’t want to marry your best friend when I marry you, Jared!”

It was the last straw. “Then maybe, you shouldn’t marry me at all, Gen! If you are so selfish, if you can’t accept sharing me with other people, be it friends or family. Maybe then we shouldn’t get married.”

“Selfish? You call me selfish? You… you bastard!” She stepped closer, right into his personal space and slapped Jared in the face. She had to stand on her toes to even reach out to hit him but still, it hurt.

Then she turned around, stormed away and up to the first floor and ten minutes later, exactly when the cab honked to pick her up, she came down, face reddened with tears and fury.

“Gen…”

“Screw you, Jared!” She tugged on her tiny finger, took the beautiful engagement ring off and tossed it on the floor. “Go and marry someone who is stupid enough to take your best friend as well. Or even better – go and marry Jensen!” Without sparing Jared another glance, she stormed out of his house, the front door banging shut.

***

Jared was standing in the hallway, his glance fixed on some random spot on the tiles and his heart racing faster than ever before until eventually, he drew himself out of his rigor, combing his shaking hand through his hair. He went over to the living-room as he suddenly heard a crunching, scratching noise beneath his feet that were still clad in shoes. He took his foot away and looked at the ring that had landed right in front of the living-room door, a white-gold band decorated with a shiny diamond almost invisible against the bright tiles. 

Sighing, Jared bent down and picked it up, continuing his way to the sofa, holding the ring between thumb and index finger, looking at it perplexed. He felt weird, like when he and Sandy had ended it. Sad… but also relieved. A decision had already been made for him. Now, he wouldn’t have to choose between his girlfriend and his best friend anymore. The engagement, now broken off, gave him the chance to court Jensen, something he’d wanted to do for years, something he knew would make him happy, something he knew could be forever. Now Jared knew that their feelings were mutual, it shouldn't be that hard. But he had messed up his last two relationships. Maybe he was just not made for long-term or forever? Yet, the thing between him and Jensen? It was special, deeper, made of steel, and unbreakable. It could work. He could have his fairy-tale come true. He just had to take that last step and grab it.

Jensen was still lying in his bed, staring at the spot Jared had been lying on, so close by his side. He could still feel the warm arms enveloping him, Jared’s hand holding his, his breath ghosting over his skin. His words still echoed in his mind and Jared’s scent lingered in the stale air of the bedroom. And Jensen still felt the tickle on his forehead where his best friend had kissed him goodbye before he had left, the promise that they’d be good once more on his lips.

Jensen prayed they would be good , and much more than that. All the things Jared had given to him, all the little touches, tight hugs and slight brushes of lips had been but a mere foretaste of what they could have together. But of course, Jared was right… they shouldn’t rush it… they couldn't rush it. They were both engaged, and with Jared and Genevieve, there were feelings involved.

Eventually Jensen got up, had a shower and left the house after a quick breakfast that consisted of a mug of strong coffee and two cookies. He needed fresh air and a bit of exercise. He couldn’t stand to be locked into a place he couldn’t call home because it wasn’t. Jensen had realized it now. The only place he could call home was where and when he was with Jared. It was pathetic, but he needed him like the air to breathe, food and beverages, and sleep. Without Jared he was just nothing.

The air outside was chilly and moist, the sky covered by gray clouds that had brought rain in the morning but the sun was fighting, sending a few faint rays through the clouds. Somehow it gave Jensen hope. He strolled through the neighborhood, his eyes gliding from one well-kept garden and upper class house to the next, only avoiding Jared’s street. In the end his feet brought him to the small park where he had spent hours with Jared, sitting on a weathered wooden bench under a huge birch tree, watching the dogs, bantering about all kinds of stuff and sometimes playing with Jared’s dogs.

The park seemed empty. No kids playing in the small playground, no people walking their dogs or strolling around. Jensen was relieved, needed peace and quiet, and a bit of time to contemplate. Not thinking about it, Jensen walked towards their bench while he took deep breaths, filling his lungs with the cool, fresh air. Jensen only noticed the giant on the bench when he was almost there. He would recognize Jared anywhere, even in a dark hall with a thousand people. His figure and posture, his expression, his voice and laugh, his hair, skin and eyes.

Although Jensen could only see his friend from behind, he noticed at once that Jared was lost in thoughts, too and for a few moments, Jensen hesitated to join him. He didn’t want to disturb Jared but on the other hand, he just couldn’t leave Jared alone. He seemed miserable and even though their relationship had often been about having fun, playing pranks and stuff like that, they had shared their sorrows and worries countless times, too, because that’s what friends were for. Whatever it was that so obviously burdened his friend’s mind, Jensen was ready to ease it.

Quietly, Jensen approached the bench and sat down next to Jared. “Hey Jay.”

“Jen. Hey.” A little smile ghosted over Jared’s face, yet despite it, he looked miserable.

“Do you want me to go? I-  You know, I don’t want to bother you. I needed a bit of fresh air and I didn’t expect you to be out here with the dogs.”

“Stay,” Jared invited him, his eyes still fixed at the lawn, the green grass almost completely covered by yellow-brownish birch leaves.

Jensen stayed. He watched Harley and Sadie rumbling around, chasing each other’s tails or the many leaves on the lawn. He enjoyed those few sunbeams caressing his skin and the quietness between him and Jared. It wasn’t awkward but companionable because Jensen knew, in the end, Jared would confide in him.

“She left.” Jared sighed. “She was more than pissed and we had an awful fight. I called her selfish because she couldn’t accept that there are other people in my life who are important to me, too. I said that she maybe should not marry me if she is like that. And she agreed. It’s over.”

“Oh Jay.” He couldn’t help but feel guilty. Had Jared not stayed the night, the fight quite probably wouldn’t have happened.

“Don’t be sorry, Jen. It’s not your fault. It was my choice. I wanted to be with you, so I came over. I wanted to stay with you, make sure that you were okay, so I stayed. You didn’t force me to do it. So, don’t worry. I don’t blame you. Maybe it’s better that way. Gen is a good person but her fault was that she was clinging too much, that she expected me to drop everything as soon as she was here. That’s something I just can’t do, not when there are people who need me. When it’s you who needs me.”

Finally Jared looked up, right into Jensen’s green eyes, the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Jared, I - ,” Jensen started but couldn’t finish whatever he wanted to say, because soft, warm lips touched his and took his breath and speech away. Jared’s tongue licked over his lower lip, sought entrance, poked his tongue and ran over Jensen’s teeth.

They deepened the kiss and sweet and happy moans escaped their lips. Jensen’s hands moved along Jared’s back before they came to rest on Jared’s waist, feeling warm flesh through the cloth of his shirt, just muscles, not a bit of fat. Jared’s arms were wrapped around his torso, one hand wide on his head, holding it, his fingers brushing through his hair.

In a corner of Jensen’s mind he knew that kissing in public was not such a good idea when they didn’t really know what would come of it but he couldn’t help it. It was too sweet, too good to stop, it was something he had been longing for for almost five years, feeling Jared in his arms, their tongues dancing with each other, their breaths mingling, their bodies pressed together.

Nevertheless eventually they stopped kissing, both short of oxygen, gasping and panting hard. Jensen’s hands were still on Jared’s waist and Jared wrapped his arms around him even tighter. Bringing his own arms around Jared completely, Jensen returned the hug, his fingers stroking over Jared’s strong back and shoulders.

“Jen,” he murmured. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For keeping you waiting. For doubting us, when deep down I always knew that you were the one.”

Jensen buried his head in Jared’s shoulder, feeling his hair ghosting over his cheek. “Don’t worry about it. You had Gen.”

“Yeah. But now I have you, haven’t I? ”Jared asked in a mixture of doubt and hopefulness.

“Now you have me and I don’t plan to let go.”

“Good Jen, me neither.”

It was quiet for a while and Jensen just enjoyed the feeling, to be so close to Jared, to hold him in his arms and to be wrapped into Jared’s, to feel his lips on his forehead and the rise and fall of his chest.

“Jay… let’s go home.” Jensen suggested eventually.

“Where to, Jen?”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as you are with me, I feel at home everywhere.”

Both got up simultaneously and in companionable silence they walked back to the place where everything had started that morning.

Sometimes fairy-tales come true. That’s what Jared realized when Jensen led him into his bedroom, bed unmade and crumpled, looking almost like it had when he had left in the morning. When Jensen’s fingers, gentle but greedy, burnt his skin and sent shivers of pure pleasure through his body, when he drank from his lips again and again, felt the beating pulse in his neck and when he finally felt Jensen palming his cock, stroking his balls and licking his erect flesh, he died and went to a place where he had never been before, created by pure love and lust.

They spent the whole day in bed, making out, cuddling and talking, feeling a bond they had never felt before. As Jensen fell asleep in Jared’s arms, the lack of sleep of the last days taking its toll in the early evening hours, face nuzzled against his chest and warm breath tickling naked skin, an emotion of such joy and love swept over Jared that it almost hurt. And like Jensen he realized that he was home. Right here, holding and feeling Jensen, was where he wanted to be for the rest of his life.

Their entwined hands were adorned by the same silver band on the index finger, a token of love and connection swapped on their first anniversary as a promise to be bonded for the rest of their lives. They weren’t really talking about marriage yet but who needed a certificate anyway when you knew that simply nothing could tear you apart? That first year of their relationship had been a rollercoaster ride. Coming out to family, friends, workmates and in the end to the world hadn’t been easy and not everyone had shared their excitement. Jared had been made the scapegoat when Genevieve had “accidentally” spilled the beans about him and his co-star having an affair. There had been tears and anger in Jared’s and Jensen’s life, criticism and dropping ratings, but in the end the storm had calmed so that now they could lead their lives.

And today, on that day in late October, while an autumn storm was tossing the almost leafless trees in their backyard, they stood in their empty living-room, admiring their work. Step by step they had redecorated Jared’s place in these past twelve months, had started with their bedroom, had continued with Jensen’s old room and the office, had a landscape architect over in the summer who had made their garden a modern but beautiful paradise, an oasis of peace and quietness. Now, finally, the living-room was done. The new, dark wooden floor was still covered with plastic foil they’d laid out to protect the precious tiles as they had painted one wall in a dark red, the paint still shining wet, matching the light beige on the other three walls and the floor perfectly. They had done almost everything themselves and together, although it had taken a long time and effort, squeezing it into their tight schedules. But in the end, it was worth it. It had been a symbol for them, building their new home, their future together. They had decided to stay in Vancouver when the show was over because that was the place where they had found each other and the house was full of memories, their laughter and tears, every inch telling a story and Jared and Jensen were ready to make countless new ones.

“Done. Finally.” Jared sighed, brushing a long streak of hair out of his sweaty face. “Looks good, doesn’t it?”

“Perfect, Jay. Just the way we wanted it. Can’t wait to see it fully decorated, with the new furniture, curtains and carpets. Bet everything matches perfectly.”

“It will. Like us, Jen.”

Jensen beamed, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand, a confirmation how wonderfully well they fit, how much they completed each other, how much in love they were, falling head over heels for each other again and again.

“Well,” Jared’s tone changed, sounding deeper, even more desirable, “what do you think about proving once more how well we really fit together?” he asked as he led the way out of the living-room, pulling Jensen with him.

“That, my love,” Jensen breathed out, “is an awesome idea”. His eyes ran over Jared’s adorable body and lingered a second on Jared’s crotch, the tight pants hiding what lay beneath, something Jensen couldn’t get enough of stroking, kissing and feeling inside him.

Hands still laced together they hurried upstairs into their bathroom. One minute later they stripped each other off their sticky working clothes, old tee and denim stained with red paint, almost looking like blood, while fingers danced over naked, slightly moist skin.

Jensen’s eyes ran over his boyfriend hungrily, a body as familiar as his own, every inch loved, every birthmark and scar worshiped. Jared had lost some of his muscles, seemed slimmer nowadays than a year ago but in Jensen’s eyes Jared had never been more handsome. He stepped closer, put his hands on his boyfriend’s waist and Jared’s arms encased  in, cupping his butt. They just stood silently together, feeling the other’s body pressed against their own and their arousal rising just from the pure connection of warm heated skin touching skin.

Cocks half-hard, they finally stepped into the shower where they celebrated a familiar, intimate ritual. Hot water splashing over their bodies, steam rising up and encasing them, they started to wash each other’s hair. Jensen loved to comb his finger’s through Jared’s mane while Jared bent down a little so that Jensen could massage his scalp, soaping every inch of skin. Moans of pure pleasure escaped Jared’s throat, hardly audible under the thundering water and muffled as he breathed them right into his boyfriend’s neck.

The fingers that were so tenderly massaging Jared’s head wandered south after Jensen had rubbed a generous amount of scented shower gel on them, stroked over a muscular back, gently pinched Jared’s juicy ass. Jensen knelt down, his nose rubbing Jared’s erect cock, leaking with pre-come. He put a kiss on its head and hurried to massage Jared’s thighs and lower legs before his hands moved upwards again, stroking his inner thighs. Finally, Jensen wrapped a hand around Jared’s dick. He could almost feel the blood rushing through Jared’s veins as he played with Jared’s cock, rubbing it against the stubble of his cheek, something Jared particularly loved. Then, he let his breath ghost over the skin before his lips sucked on the leaking head, tasting Jared as the warm water was still running down their bodies. 

Jared’s moans became louder and shriller and when he finally came he screamed out his lover’s name in a high-pitched voice. Laughing salaciously, Jensen continued his work, gently rubbing the hair that framed Jared’s family jewels before he moved up again, his slippery palms rubbing over Jared’s torso until they came to rest on his shoulders where Jensen was met by a delicious kiss.

They stood together under the strong water jet, arms wrapped around each other, kissing, licking and sucking their other half’s wet skin, Jared’s now tasting of perfumed body wash, Jensen’s still spiced with a hint of sweat. It was Jared’s task to clean his boyfriend now and he fulfilled it with much devotion, massaging Jensen’s shoulders so deftly that Jensen felt the tension wash away, big palms running over freckled skin, fingers deftly fulfilling Jensen’s needs.

When the water started to run cold after many minutes filled with kisses, touching and feeling the other, they left the shower. They hurried to towel themselves off and were soon united again in a tight embrace beneath the warm comforter, everything covered but their heads, their hair still damp.

“Jen?” Jared whispered his boyfriend’s name, locking his hazel eyes with Jensen’s spectacular green ones.

“Mmm?”

“Thanks. For making my fairytale come true.”

Jensen chuckled. “Are you a four-year old girl today?” Jensen teased him gently.

“Maybe? But you know, before I met you, I always thought there wasn’t such a thing like love at first sight. Then I met you and you took my breath away. And although I hoped for it so much I never really believed that we’d end up right here, together, as so much more than friends. Things like this… they just happen in movies or in novels, not in real life. So… thanks for making me believe in such things, Jen.”

“You made my dreams come true as well, Jay,” Jensen admitted after a while. He tightened his grip around his boyfriend’s waist and kissed him softly, enjoyed the taste of Jared, his warm lips on his own, their noses bumping together again and again and Jared’s tongue dancing with his own.

Eventually they broke the kiss and Jensen just held on to Jared’s body, listened to his soft breathing, felt Jared’s toes ghosting over his ankle. His eyes were moving, sweeping over the room, taking in the familiar surroundings. The walls, one painted in a light green, reminding him of spring in the cold and long Vancouver winters, the matching curtains and the Ficus Benjamin that once more seemed like it’d die soon because Jared had forgotten to water it in the last few days. The bright wooden furniture, the two black and white photographs of the seaside he had taken just some months ago during their vacation to New Zealand and the framed photographs of family, friends and themselves, taken throughout the years. Jensen’s guitar in one corner, a shelf full of their favorite books and the comfortable armchair buried under Jared’s clothes. All these bits and pieces connected with countless memories made this room, this house, this premises their place. But what really made it Jensen’s home was the man in his arms, his strong arms holding him, his thumbs gently rubbing over his shoulders, and his warm breath caressing his skin. Jared, his heart and his love, was Jensen’s home.

The End