Work Text:
Contacts:
Leads Tried (and failed!)
Warm Heart in a Cold Place
Infinite Patience for Stupidity
Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio
Does That Make Her the Ice Woman?
Improbable, But It Must Be True!
The Most Human
---
Leads Tried (and failed!)
-> send text message
Sherlock Holmes, what the bloody hell have you done to my phone!?
- John
this is the other holmes
- Lestrade
Oh sorry Mycroft
- John
Wait, why are your texts signed with ‘Lestrade’?
- John
a very long story involving too much classified information for me to tell you in any satisfactory capacity
suffice to say i have not yet had the opportunity to return the inspectors phone and intend to do so upon next meeting him
- Lestrade
but back to your problem
what has my brother done now
- Lestrade
He’s changed all the names of my contacts to weird riddles, so I can’t tell who is who. This was the one at the top. Leads Tried… Oh, hah, I get it. That’s clever. An anagram. The others aren’t, though, so I dunno about them.
- John
ah yes that sou
- Lestrade
sodfasf
- Lestrade
What?
- John
Are you sick?
- John
Hello?
- John
no quite well
bump in the road
apologies
- Lestrade
i can be over shrotretaly
- Lestrade
another bump
- Lestrade
No, it’s alright. I dunno where he is anyway. Probably off harassing Lestrade.
- John
no
- Lestrade
What?
- John
Oh, right, you’ve got cameras. Do you know where he is?
- John
no
- Lestrade
i am currently engaged
- Lestrade
That’s alright. He’ll come back eventually. I’ll just go through the list to check who the other people are.
- John
sound idea
- Lestrade
i may be some tiemkaeff
- Lestrade
this road is quite rough
- Lestrade
---
Warm Heart in a Cold Place
-> send text message
Hello, sorry, Sherlock changed my contact names; who is this?
- John
Hi John, thats ok, lol is he bored? its Molly xxx
- Molly
Oh hi Molly! Yeah, he is a bit. You know how he gets. How are you? Haven’t talked to you for ages.
- John
Im ok, just trying to get by, stay happy, you know. We should catch up sometime xxx
- Molly
Not in that way though I meant as friends! xxx
- Molly
Sorry I really need to think before I send xxx
- Molly
That’s fine! Yeah, friends, that’s what I meant too. Dinner or something like that, it’d be great. I’ve got some news to tell you as well.
- John
Ok, thatll be fantastic, talk to you soon then! Ive got to stop Sherlock from stealing more cadavers xxx
- Molly
Is he at Bart’s??
- John
Molly?
- John
Bugger it.
- John
---
Infinite Patience For Stupidity
-> send text message
Hi, Sherlock changed all my contact names, so I’m just texting to ask who this is.
- John
It’s Harry. Don’t recognise your own sister’s number??
- Harry
Sorry, he replaced everyone’s name with bizarre riddles.
- John
How’re you doing?
- John
Your bloke sounds like a right barrel of laughs. I’m fine. Alive.
- Harry
‘My’ bloke? We should catch up soon, if you’re alright with that. I’ve got some news. Good news, for once.
- John
Course he’s your bloke, I read your blog, I know you stare at him like you did that girl in year five. Yeah, great, lets.
- Harry
I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me. And how’s your love life?
- John
Barren
- Harry
As per usual.
- Harry
It’ll get better. It will.
- John
I know
- Harry
It’s just hard
- Harry
I’m here.
- John
I know
- Harry
Next Thursday at 7 suit you?
- John
Anytime’s fine
- Harry
Talk to you later, ok? Stay safe.
- John
Yep, bye
- Harry
---
Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio
-> send text message
Hello, Sherlock changed my contacts, just wondering who this was. You got the weirdest one, something all in Latin.
- John
Greetings again, John, it is Mycroft Holmes. What was it?
- Mycroft
Also I may be quite late. International crises, and all that.
- Mycroft
Hi, Mycroft, sorry about this whole thing, Sherlock’s a bit bored. Have you managed to track him down yet? It was something like detriment, malignant, victory, vltio.
- John
Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio?
- Mycroft
Yeah, that’s it. Changed it back now, though.
- John
How droll.
- Mycroft
I don’t suppose anyone’s going to tell me what it means. Doctor’s Latin only goes so far.
- John
You don’t suppose correctly.
- Mycroft
Apologies, that was uncalled for.
Ask the Detective Inspector; he has viewed much more political satire than you.
- Mycroft
Judging by his file, anyway.
- Mycroft
Right. Not creepy that you’ve got a file on him.
- John
Hmm, stupiditas aere perennius.
- Mycroft
What?
- John
Goodbye, John.
- Mycroft
---
Mycroft, do you still have this phone?
- John
Mycroft? No, it’s Lestrade.
- Lestrade
Oh, sorry, Greg. Today’s been a bit of a fuck up. Sherlock’s been messing with my contacts. Bored, like always.
- John
So, billowing entrance to the Yard in 3… 2…?
- Lestrade
God, I hope not, for your sake.
- John
That bad?
Wait, what am I saying, he’s always that bad.
- Lestrade
Hey, do you know what Detrimento—Malignitas—Victoria—Vltio means? Mycroft told me to ask you. Something about political satire?
- John
Did he specify continent?
- Lestrade
Er, no?
- John
Ok, could be West Wing or Yes Minister, then. Can you translate any of the words?
- Lestrade
Well, Victoria means victory. Malignitas means malice or malignant feelings… Detrimento is like destruction, I think. Vltio could be Ultio, but I don’t know what that means.
- John
What was this for?
- Lestrade
Sherlock set it as Mycroft’s contact name.
- John
Hmm, I’ll think about it. Anyway, why did you think Mycroft had this phone?
- Lestrade
Oh, he said something about a classified something or other – it’s okay; I really don’t want to know. I genuinely value my life. Anyway, he mentioned that he came upon your phone and was going to return it to you or something.
- John
Classified, is it
- Lestrade
That’s what he said.
- John
Greg? You there?
- John
This day, I swear. Everyone’s gone effing bonkers.
- John
---
Does That Make Her The Ice Woman?
-> send text message
Hello, I was just wondering who this was. Sorry for the inconvenience, Sherlock changed all my contact names. It’s been a bit of a hassle to be frank.
- John
Hi, John. A here.
- A
A?
- John
Yes.
- A
Okay, sorry, I really don’t know who you are.
- John
Forget all your women this easily?
- A
Are you—? Oh, God, I’m so sorry. It’s been a hell of a day.
- John
It was a joke. This is Mr Holmes’ assistant.
- A
Anthea?
- John
If you like. Was that all you required?
- A
Yeah, cheers.
- John
We are still attempting to find Sherlock. Mr Holmes extends his apologies for the delay. He is somewhat detained. ETA approx twenty minutes, depending on
- A
Mr Holmes just received a call, and regretfully informs you that the ETA is now an hour and a half.
- A
He adds that it was your fault, and that I should rescind the regretfully and replace it with something more strongly worded.
- A
If it’s any consolation, Sherlock is likely still within the London metropolis.
- A
Am I going to wake up and find this was a dream?
- John
Unlikely.
- A
Do you require reimbursement for emotional trauma?
- A
No, I’ll be fine.
- John
Good to hear. Goodbye, John.
- A
---
Improbable, But It Must Be True!
-> send text message
Hey there, sorry for bothering you, but I was just wondering who this is. Sherlock renamed all my contacts, and I’ve had a hell of a day sorting them out.
- John
Oh, he is such a sweet thing, isn’t he?
- Blocked Number
Not really the word I’d use. Who is this?
- John
Now, that would be telling. Hmm, I can spare the time – how about we play a guessing game?
- Blocked Number
How about we don’t?
- John
Sherlock if this is you, no sex for a month.
- John
Oooh, having a little lover’s tiff, are we? And how is the lovely Virgin? Although, I suppose that moniker is a little outdated, now. I simply have to come up with another.
- Blocked Number
If this is some person trying to be intimidating or threatening or whatever, I’ll tell you straight up that you’ve got nothing on his brother.
- John
The Iceman! Oh, I do miss the Holmes boys. Perhaps I should pop down for a visit sometime? It will be terribly fun. You are as boring as I remember, though, Doctor Watson.
- Blocked Number
And if this is one of Moriarty’s henchmen pretending to be him – don’t bother, I know he’s dead. I performed a dissection of his brain myself.
- John
Shall I take back my last comment? I must say it was delicious to see dear Jimmy finally caught and… punished. Though I would have spent much more time with him than you two did.
- Blocked Number
Okay, I’m not even going to ask.
- John
I wish you would.
- Blocked Number
John, dear? Playing coy?
- Blocked Number
I am definitely taking a visit down now I’m out of the firing line, and I most certainly will pop in on you and darling Sherlock.
- Blocked Number
Just a friendly warning, sexy. Send him my love, won’t you x
- Blocked Number
---
In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge. Yes Minister. Happy?
- Lestrade
Hm. Well, Sherlock is accurate in his sense of humour.
- Lestrade
Oh, cheers. You alright, mate?
- John
Greg?
- John
Not again.
- John
---
The Most Human
-> send text message
Right, ok, if this isn’t Sherlock I am going to shoot something because this is the last contact.
- John
If this is Sherlock, I am going to shoot you.
- John
That’s an interesting conundrum. Would I prefer for my laptop to be shot if I lie, or for myself to be shot if I tell the truth?
- Sherlock
You absolute sod.
- John
My riddles were amusing! They were intended to entertain.
- Sherlock
You told me to be thoughtful, to do small things. QED.
- Sherlock
“Small things” does not mean changing my fucking contacts information. Do you know how many weird bloody conversations I’ve had today? I’ve got the biggest fucking headache this side of England. If I hear any more fucking Latin I’m going to scream.
- John
And where the fuck are you?
- John
En route, currently. I’ve been dodging Mycroft’s cameras all day. He seems to be quite preoccupied, however, so it was infinitely more dull than usual.
- Sherlock
Get your arse back home.
- John
Impatient. Did we not partake many times this morning?
- Sherlock
Sherlock.
- John
I get so hot when you start trying to be authoritative.
- Sherlock
NOW.
- John
Are you going to tie me up and have your wicked way with me?
- Sherlock
I’m going to tie you up and leave you there.
- John
Oooh, John, you know just what to say. Mmm, what are you wearing?
- Sherlock
Fuck off. I am not having phone sex after a day like today.
- John
Or any sex after today.
- John
I bet I can change your mind.
- Sherlock
You will never change my mind on this.
- John
Received audio file.
No, breathy moans will not change my mind.
- John
Neither will a drawn out, “Oh, John.”
- John
I am very angry.
- John
WHAT!?!b!
- John
that was cheating you cant tell me
- John
ohg d Sherlock!
- John
im still angry
- John
get home now
- John
I’ll be there shortly. Are you now intending to have your wicked way with me?
- Sherlock
you have no idea
- John
Oh, I think I do…
- Sherlock