Work Text:
jhn, cn u pik ^ d moo
- SH
??? Sherlock? Is that you?
- John
corZ itz me, itz my ph
- SH
I’m coming home right now.
- John
If I find out you’ve started using again
- John
Or this is for an experiment
- John
Let’s just say you’ll get a lesson in what I learned in the army
- John
laterz
- SH
---
jhn ru cmng home?
- SH
K so twas 4 n xperiment
- SH
neva sed othwz
- SH
u asumed incrrctly
- SH
lik i sed u c bt u neva obsrv
- SH
its ur bggst wknss
- SH
rly ur 2 obvs sumtimes
- SH
i hpe ur nt upst tht i defnded myslf w/ ur pilw
- SH
rly u wre askn 4 it wat was i suposd 2 do
- SH
a cp o tea flyn 2wrds my hed
- SH
had 2 thnk fst
- SH
wll, fster thn nrml
- SH
jhn?
- SH
---
lestrde av u talkD 2 jhn l8ly
- SH
Sherlock?
- Lestrade
ye
- SH
Why are you texting like my daughter does?
- Lestrade
case
- SH
There’re no cases that involve teenagers, though?
- Lestrade
k brd
- SH
… Bored?
- Lestrade
ye
- SH
Ok. Got my daughter to translate; no, I haven’t seen John lately. Why?
- Lestrade
gn frm th flt
- SH
Why?
- Lestrade
cos txtin irittd hm
- SH
Ok. Have you checked his girlfriend’s?
- Lestrade
dsnt hv a gf
- SH
Sister’s?
- Lestrade
wdnt go 2 hrs
- SH
I’m stuck, then. Have you called him?
- Lestrade
lik alwys ye crse
- SH
Are you sure you’re ok? I’ll try calling him for you.
- Lestrade
no im brd wt dnt u ppl undrst& abt tht omg u r al so stpd 182
- SH
My daughter can’t understand that. I’ll just assume you were calling me stupid and leave it at that.
- Lestrade
Come over to mine, I’ve got some cold cases somewhere.
- Lestrade
no fuk of
- SH
wnt jhn
- SH
gt me jhn
- SH
---
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
I assume you have an excellent reason for disturbing me right now.
- M
1ly 5 txtz hmm trbl w/ rssn ambsdr??
- SH
No, I thought not.
- M
jhn isnt hre
- SH
Excuse me while I stop the nation.
- M
ooh tmpr
- SH
diet nt wrkin?
- SH
mycroft?
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
mycroft
- SH
MYCROFT
- SH
I will have your number blocked.
- M
no u wnt
- SH
wat dd i do wrng w/ jhn
- SH
Where does one begin?
- M
Why are you asking me to help your with your emotional crises? Some of us actually do have real jobs.
- M
He’s at a tawdry pub in the West End. Is that enough background for you to go on?
- M
Sherlock, honestly.
- M
ws i mnt 2 lt hm pnch me?
- SH
What you weren’t meant to do was set the Montagu Pyke on fire.
- M
unavdbl it ws ugly nywy did thm a fvr
- SH
No, Sherlock, that was not a favour; that was arson.
- M
sht up
- SH
lik ur 1 2 tlk
- SH
mr lt me set fire 2 da wst wng of fmly mnr.
- SH
at xmas
- SH
mycroft?
- SH
jhn’s stll nt hme
- SH
I wonder why.
- M
r u gng 2 hlp or kp being uslss?
- SH
Piss off, brother dear.
- M
prfnd & elqnt – jst lik u
- SH
Says the grown man wasting time annoying others through text messaging.
- M
fuk u
- SH
How profound.
- M
---
jhn?
- SH
jhn im sry
- SH
u dsrvd it tbh bt im sry
- SH
John?
- SH
Look, I've stopped the experiment.
- SH
Results were inconclusive.
- SH
If you cared.
- SH
It's been a whole two days now.
- SH
Are you ever going to get over it?
- SH
We've been through worse.
- SH
Like that time Moriarty nearly blew us up. That was fun.
- SH
Or when he made me fake my own death so I could protect you.
- SH
Or what about that time we were almost killed by that sniper?
- SH
Ah, I look back and laugh.
- SH
PSIS OF U ASBLUOTE BSTAARD U R TEH MIST INFURIATIMG PRTSON O HVE EEVR MTE
FCUK YUO SRHELCK HOMES
- John
piss* off* you* absolute* bastard* you* are* the* most* infuriating* person* I* have* ever* met* fuck* you* Sherlock* Holmes*
A good effort, but it would be more effective if it weren't simply a collection of atrocious spelling errors.
I infer that you are at your sister's getting drunk with her, as I can't find you in any pub.
- SH
oh
- SH
---
Lestrade, I need your help.
- SH
What's up? Finished terrorising people via text, then?
- Lestrade
John still won't talk to me. And yes. The experiment was a failure.
- SH
All test subjects have been highly uncooperative.
- SH
Ah, yeah, I had a talk to him. That's a shame.
- Lestrade
Oi, I hope you don't mean me.
- Lestrade
What did he say? Of course I mean you. But John in particular was most unwilling to cooperate. Your participation was... adequate.
- SH
Something like that you're a right cunt and he's going to kill you and he loved that pillow. He was pretty wasted though. I wouldn’t read too much into the threats.
- Lestrade
Why would he want to kill me? I love him.
- SH
autocorrect
that was autocorrect
i meant like
- SH
Good on you mate.
- Lestrade
Oh, okay.
- Lestrade
I was gonna say you could probably tell him that to cheer him up. And buy him a new cushion, or something.
- Lestrade
You there?
- Lestrade
qskfhaslciabisjsnnllłhgyuikngyÿ
- SH
What???
- Lestrade
No, on second thoughts, don't tell me.
- Lestrade
thaxxxxxxlestsswe uve bb vey hslspful
-SH
See this is high up on the list of things I don't need to know
- Lestrade
whakznjjwjwdh njsmketebdnedipóøoqqskaæ
- SH
jesus christ
- Lestrade
assffkldl
- SH
mmmMmmmMmMmMmMjonhnhngg
- SH
STOP
- Lestrade
i'm turning my phone off
- Lestrade
Eiwlajflensmd wkallhkckkkkojhhhhh
- SH
how the fuck do you turn this thing off?????
- Lestrade
---
John, I just played a hilarious joke on Lestrade.
- SH
It will make you not angry.
- SH
Probably.
- SH
DUCK. OFF.
- John
fuck*
- John
No hang on let me try it again.
- John
FUCK OFF
- John
There.
- John
I'm hurt, John.
- SH
:( Look, sad face and everything.
- SH
:( :( :( :( :(
- SH
Also I love you.
- SH
WHAT
- John
that was autocorrect
- SH
I don't know what to say. I've been thinking about us for the past few days, wondering when, if we were going to ever come out about our relationship to everyone else. I love you too.
- John
Oh.
- John
Right well I'm going to go throw myself under a bus now. Goodbye.
- John
No! It wasn't autocorrect! I live you!
- SH
Okay, that time it genuinely was autocorrect. I LOVE you.
- SH
Alright.
- John
Yes.
- SH
Good.
- John
Very.
- SH
I'm not angry anymore.
- John
Except maybe still about the cushion.
- John
I bought you another one.
- SH
Okay. Good. Fine.
- John
Indeed.
- SH
So we're all fine, then.
- John
It appears so.
- SH
My phone's running out of credit.
- John
Come home, John.
- SH
Also, can you pick up some milk? We’re out.
- SH
So romantic.
- John
---
Lestrade, I feel the need to express some form of gratitude for your advice about my predicament. Your suggestions were very effective. Maybe you should consider running a dating site instead of doing detective work. Also, John said I had to apologise for insinuating that he and I were having sex in those texts I sent you. Also, we're having sex.
- SH
go away brother nobody cares
- Lestrade
??!?!!
- SH
STOP. NO. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED.
- SH
HE’S MY DI. MINE.
- SH
not anymore ;)
- Lestrade
OH GOD
- SH
NO
- SH
NO
- SH
NO
- SH
DELETED
- SH
FUCK YOU
- SH
I’M TELLING MUMMY
- SH
What the hell are you even talking about???
- Lestrade
Oh, Christ. I am never leaving him alone with my phone again.
- Lestrade
… Mummy?
- Lestrade
Hah! I knew he was gay.
- Lestrade
Sherlock, tell your brother he owes me.
- Lestrade
---
I won’t let you get your claws into him. He’s a good man.
- SH
Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary. It is nice to see you are willing to behave slightly more like a responsible adult. If only slightly.
- M
Don't touch him, you'll just hurt him.
- SH
Resentful, aren't we? I do not need or want your advice on this matter. I suppose you've never dreamt of hurting John – oh, wait...
- M
He's not like John.
- SH
No, I daresay not. And I'm not like you.
- M
More than you know. If he so much as looks unhappy even once because of you, I will know, and I will not let it slide. Understood?
- SH
Perfectly.
- M
Now, run along back to your little world and let the grown-ups make their own decisions, hmm?
- M
Even once, Mycroft.
- SH
A warning for you, dear brother: if you tell a soul, I will know, and I will most definitely not ‘let it slide.’ Is that understood?
- M
---
John, where are you?
- SH
Are you stuck with the machine?
- SH
Again?
- SH
Shut up.
- John
And no. Course not.
- John
You are.
- SH
You’re getting the fucking milk next time.
- John
If you insist.
- SH