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Alex rarely knows what time it is anymore.
She avoids looking at the clocks high up on the walls of the residence. She recognizes the numbers but not the order. Sometimes it feels like they’re slipping away from her which is fitting because time around here is liquid. Days bleeding into weeks into months and into years.
Still, when she forgets to not look, it makes her slightly panic. Each time it happens, she feels silly. Like when she was a kid and saw monsters that weren’t there in the dark. So now, instead, she looks out the window.
The trees tell her what season it is and the sun what time it is. And her routine. Her goddamn boring routine.
Alex hopes it’ll be different this December. Kara comes visit her more often around the holidays. It’s hard because she has to break in the middle of the night. Kara barely looks like she’s over 50 when she herself hit 75 a few months ago. In the last ten years she’s been staying at this residence, Kara hasn’t even changed.
But Kara slipping through her window reminds her of warm winter nights in Midvale with her father’s arms around both of their shoulders as they sat outside their bedroom’s window with her mom’s hot cocoa in her hands.
It seems like forever ago.
Her arthritis makes it hard to hold her coffee up now but she’s still stubborn enough to persist. The attendants know not to treat her like glass and she’s aware she doesn’t make their lives easy, but they don’t know how humiliating it is for her to be feed and bathe on her bad days.
She used to be an agent. The big bad DEO director. It’s all gone now. Vaporized with the years and her illness.
The only thing bearable in this place is her . The woman from room 203. With the shiny black and pepper long hair. She always looks at Alex during breakfast, lunch and dinner a few tables over. Sometimes during TV time too. She smiles at her like they’re friends sharing a secret.
Alex would like to know the secret behind that woman’s genuine smile and dimples that haven’t disappeared yet in her wrinkles. The secret to make that woman’s eyes shine with mirth, that leaves her blushing whenever their eyes meet across the room.
Alex knows her name. Everybody does. It’s short and it’s sweet, always on the tip of her tongue...What is it again? Ah yes... Maggie.
Maggie who is always kind with the staff. Who’s well loved and respected, always breaking spat between residents with amiability and patience. She’s their peace holder, the sun of their days.
Well, she’s actually the sun of Alex’s days.
Alex doesn’t know what Maggie is looking for when she’s staring at her. She doesn’t know why she’s interested when Alex chokes her food three times a week because she forgets how to swallow.
But whenever she looks, Maggie is there.
Alex doesn’t remember talking to her that often, but Maggie has become her lighthouse.
The reason she hasn’t completely lost her sanity yet.
***
Alex slowly walks back to her room, not able to tolerate the tension in the common room anymore. A mixture of nostalgia and happiness emanate from the residents and the Christmas decorations. A lot of people don’t get a visit around this time of the year but it’s not enough to deter the ones that does.
She sometimes forgets in which categories she fits. She doesn’t always remember who does come to see her. She has...friends, doesn’t she? Racking her brain to come up with faces, she feels her breath quickens when nothing comes to her mind.
Reaching her room, Alex curses as her walker get stuck on a green garland that had fallen off the frame of her door. Pulling against her walker, she tries to get rid of it, but her arms get tired after a minute. At the end of the hallway, she notices an attendant jogging towards her with a gentle smile.
“I had it.” she grumbles, annoyed at the pain in her back restricting her mobility.
What the heck had she done to her body in the past 30 years?
“Of course, Mrs. Danvers. But why waste your energy when you can just use me to help you.” The young man smiles as he bent down to retrieve the garland and fix Alex’s wheels “I heard you were the director of an FBI branch. That’s impressive.”
Oh, right, that’s what she had done.
“I’m sure you were used to bossing people around. Just see me as one of your rookies.”
The attendant has the audacity to wink at her, as if she doesn’t recognize his tactic to coax her into cooperation. Unimpressed, she stares at him and reaches out to open her door with the watch on her wrist. As she crosses the threshold, she rolls her eyes when she feels the attendant still behind her.
“Is there anything you’d like, Mrs. Danvers before settling in? You want other kind of decorations in the hallway? Maybe you celebrate something else?”
“I’m good.” Alex tells him before sitting down on her bed, suddenly feeling a wave of tiredness “I might seem like a grinch right now, but I still remember Christmas from my childhood.”
She doesn’t know why she doesn’t quite remember the ones past her thirties though.
“Well, I’ll get this garland fixed more securely then. I’m a phone call way, Mrs. Danvers.” he reminds, tapping at his own watch “Oh and Merry Christmas Eve.”
Was it Christmas Eve already?
“You too. Sorry you’re stuck with us.” Alex adds lowly, groaning as she situates herself in her bed for a nap.
“No other place I’d rather be ma’am.” he smiles kindly.
“Liar.” she croaks at him.
The attendant leaves with a cheerful laugh. Alex’s smile slowly dies on her lips. Looking to her right, she looks at the pictures on her wall. A pictogram, Kara called it. Alex fucking despise that wall and rips all the names off of it at least once a week. They show her a life she lived, a life she doesn’t always remember living. She shouldn’t need post-it to know who she loves.
She doesn’t even know if there’s anyone she loves. Her mind became a stranger to herself. She’s a lost soul on autopilot waiting for coordinates to land somewhere meaningful. In the meantime, she’s in space, floating with no link with home.
Her eyes fall on a picture of herself, her sister, three men and two women standing in the living room of a loft. She looks at each of them, finding them incredibly beautiful with their beaming smile and their arms all around each other. Some of them are wearing a Santa hat or reindeer's ears. Alex can’t help but smile at their joy, at their silliness.
Alex let a tear fall down her cheeks, her armor suddenly too heavy to bear. She doesn’t remember the last time she did something silly. Worse, she doesn’t remember those people’s name.
***
A soft knock on her door wakes her up from her nap. Startled, she looks out the window and realizes it’s dark outside. She probably missed dinner. Feeling better now that she rested, Alex stands up from her bed and uses her cane to answer the door.
She expects an attendant on the other side. Instead, Maggie is there with her usual black cane now looking like a candy cane. Alex does what naturally comes to her, she slams the door in her face. She immediately flushes in embarrassment at her own reaction.
“Hey, um, I didn’t mean to bother you, but you weren’t there for dinner and I wanted to check in on you.” Maggie calls out after a moment of silence.
“I... I’m good.” Alex sputters against the door, cursing at her inability to talk to a pretty woman.
“Can I see you, Alex? Please?”
The plead tugs at Alex’s heartstring. Maggie never asks for anything. Looking briefly at herself in the mirror, Alex pulls back her short silver hair, so it looks less tousled. Rearranging her squared glasses, she almost looks presentable with her red sweater that adds a bit of color to her otherwise pale skin.
She reopens the door and is glad she’s holding on to her cane because her knees buckle at Maggie’s grateful smile.
“Hi, please, come in. Ignore my rudeness.” Alex chuckles awkwardly as Maggie walks into her bedroom.
“It’s okay. You’re cute enough for me to let it slide.” Maggie winks before lighting up a lamp on her dresser.
Alex is sure she’s blushing once again. She gathers her courage and looks up at Maggie staring at the pictures on her wall. She’s wearing a long winter jacket.
“Are you going somewhere?” Alex asks.
“Yes. There’s a soft snow, a literal Christmas miracle. I wanted to go out for a walk.” Maggie smiles “You in, Danvers?”
Alex gulps, looking past her shoulder to look out the window. It’s snowing indeed. It’s been a long while since she felt the snow on her skin. She nods timidly at Maggie despite knowing it’s past curfew.
“It’s going to be sick! Which transport do you want, Danvers?” Maggie asks enthusiastically “We got the four wheels of the super cool bolide downstairs. We got this wheelchair right here. I can totally push you, look at those arms.”
Alex bites down her lip to stop herself from giggling as Maggie tries to show off her muscles. Maggie is so full of light and life.
“That used to make you blush, but I guess I'm not as tight as I used to be.” Maggie jokes around.
“You... we have done this before?” Alex frowns at how comfortable Maggie is in her room as she retrieves Alex’s jacket from her closet.
“What? Gone out on a date? Sneak past the curfew?” Maggie smirks secretively, helping Alex puts on her jacket “Maybe. But here, we live day to day, Danvers. And there’s a first time for everything right?”
Alex stares down into Maggie’s chocolate eyes as the woman zips up her jacket. There’s a familiarity in the gesture, in the softness of her hands and her voice. Her chest feels tight and warm at Maggie’s proximity. The words she uttered ring a bell in the back of her head, making Alex lifts a hand to scratch the spot where it tickled.
“So, we’re close friends, Maggie?” she questions as Maggie puts a wool hat on her head
“Very good, Alex. In fact, I'm the only one you like in this place.” Maggie chuckles tenderly “And the chef. Besides, I’m surprised you missed dinner. You got me worried.”
Alex frowns at the sudden sadness on Maggie’s face.
“I'm good, I swear. I was just tired. I’m all better now.” Alex promises as she sits down to switch her slippers for her boots.
“You want me to call for a plate? Cafeteria is closed but I'm sure they can make an exception.” Maggie offers, tilting her head to the side in concern as she helps her put on her boots.
“Actually, I'm dying for a greasy burger.” Alex smiles like a child.
Maggie smiles back happily before standing up with a painful wince. She offers Alex her left arm, holding tightly to her Christmas themed cane with her right.
“You’re on, Danvers. Ready?”
***
They manage to sneak out easily. The attendants were distracted with another resident trying to sneak into the kitchen for more food. They waited for the receptionist to hit the bathroom before trotting painfully slowly toward the main automatic door.
They laugh as they land outside, clutching to each other and Alex’s walker. It’s not as cold as she expects. The wind is as light as the snowflakes, a small dust of snow covering the sidewalk. Its peaceful, the Christmas light offering an oasis of innocence in the otherwise quiet neighborhood.
Walking slowly, they take their time to leave the residence behind them before Maggie calls them a taxi she’s well accounted to. They drive for a short while and Alex stares out the window like she’s seeing the city for the first time.
Kara told her she spent all of her adult life in National City. The pictures prove it, but her memory is fuzzy around the details. Sometimes, she’d remember perfectly a random mission when she was J’onn’s second in command. She’d recall every piece of her once beloved Ducati and the inventory of the DEO armory. She’d remember her order of coffees at Noonan’s and the lyrics of an old Barenaked ladies song.
Sometimes, more often than she’d like, she forgets it all.
Maggie touches her shoulder when they arrive in front of Big Belly Burger. There’s only one lonely employee that seems troubled by the sight of two elderly women ordering their greasiest burger and fries. They leave with Alex’s order and walk to the park, choosing a clean bench to enjoy the food and silence.
“The stars don’t shine as bright as they used to be.” Alex eventually comments, noticing how dark it is up there. “I don’t need a whole sky though, just one star to light everything else up.”
From the corner of her eyes, she sees Maggie gaping her, surprised by the boldness of her words. Alex blinks her shyness away, satisfied at being able to express what’s been on her heart for quite some time and maybe at her ability to still flirt. Maggie still seems in awe, her smile proving the truth of her statement. Maggie’s the brightest thing, all the time.
“Thank you for the escape.” Alex sighs happily as she wipes her cold hands with a napkin once she’s done with her delicious meat, distracting herself from the charged moment.
“Anytime, Danvers.” Maggie smiles, never once shifting her eyes away from her for the entirety of her meal.
Despite Maggie’s happiness, Alex can detect something beneath it that shake her to her core. A loneliness she knows too well.
“Don’t you have a family to come visit you on Christmas Eve?” Alex asks her.
Maggie inhales deeply, finally looking away to stare at the snow slowly filling up the park.
“Remember the hot brunette on your wall?”
Alex closes her eyes, a portion of her wall appearing behind her haunted eyelids. She knows the woman Maggie is talking about. The one with long dark hair, bright chocolate eyes and tan skin.
“That’s me. Well, was me.” Maggie mutters with a sad smile.
Alex frowns at the information. So, she has known Maggie for nearly her whole life and there she is, at the residence with her. Not able to sort everything, Alex gives up for the moment.
“I think you’re beautiful just the way you are.” Alex finds herself breathing out instead.
Her mortification is short lived when Maggie smiles at her like she hung the very moon shining above them.
“You’re getting soft on me.” Maggie says like it’s a simple truth.
Was this the secret behind Maggie’s endless hopefulness? Alex getting soft on her?
“Like I said, we’re close friends. Those people in the pictures were my family as well as yours. They’re our friends.” Maggie explains “But they’re busy with their own families tonight and I don’t have kids or grandkids.”
Alex can’t tell if there’s regrets in Maggie’s tone, but the woman avoids her eyes. It seems her friend has an armor too.
“You were married though. I saw your ring before. Unless... Oh, Maggie. Is your spouse gone?” Alex murmurs, reaching out to take Maggie’s gloved hands in hers.
She can feel her friend shaking by her side. Throwing her arm around her, she encourages Maggie to lean her head on her shoulder. Alex feels an urge to protect this kind woman with the strawberry shampooing that strike her nose like a match scratching against the box to be lit.
“It’s complicated.” Maggie breathes out in her neck before straightening her back up “Ya know my wife asked me to marry her on this very day 45 years ago.”
Alex files away the fact that Maggie is married but spending the night with her. Right now, all she wants is to support Maggie through her own nostalgia of the night.
“On Christmas eve.” Alex points out with a smile “Had she forgotten to get you a gift?”
Maggie chuckles wetly, sniffing the pain away as she looks back at Alex with nothing but care and patience at the thought of her wife. Alex ignores the pang in her chest, not sure of what she’s feeling at the moment.
She’s too old to feel jealousy, she thinks, reminding herself of all the times Maggie had looked out for her. Maggie had supported her from afar, always there to remind her that she's there. Alex could do the same for her friend.
“On the contrary.” Maggie shakes her head at the memory “But that day, she gave me the greatest gift. A promise of a lifetime with her. Commitment. Family. We were rewriting history. Our stories.”
“She knew how lucky she was.” Alex tells her softly.
Maggie’s chuckles turn into a cry. The contrast of the sounds mashes up into a pleading, tired music. Maggie’s mouth twist between a frown and a smile, a battle between her mind and her heart. Sadly, Alex only had access to her own heart and couldn’t comprehend the utter pain on Maggie’s wrinkles and fallen cheeks.
“I don’t know about lucky.” Maggie eventually gasps out at the nothingness in front of them “My wife is the love of my life but she’s sick. She has Alzheimer.”
Alex freezes long enough for Maggie to lift her head, the wind carrying a whiff of her perfume. Alex blinks as images from her past starts displaying like that dumb toy she had when she was three. Every click of her mind shows her something new that is actually not new. And they all feature Maggie. Just like the collage on the wall of her bedroom.
Maggie’s dark eyes are wet and pleading as she tries to muster another smile. Had Maggie spent her whole life being brave? Yes...Yes, she had, Alex realizes.
“Oh, Maggie. Oh, I’m so sorry.” Alex exhales shakily, cold fog coming out of her mouth.
Maggie’s eyes are hesitant, her body immobile as a statue. Her own hand tremble as she reaches out beneath Maggie’s red scarf to pull at the chain with the matching rings she knows are there.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Alex let out a regretful cry, leaning her forehead against Maggie.
Maggie responds with a mixture of a cry and a laugh, the reprise of the tune seeming much hopeful this time as she cradles her jaw to pull her down into a probably long-awaited kiss. Her lips are soft despite the cracks in them, and Alex feels herself burning from the shame, from the relief and mostly from the love.
“Mags, I’m so sorry...”
“Shh, stop, it’s not your fault.” Maggie reassures her against her lips before pulling back to look at her like she’s amazing for remembering.
“How long has it been this time?” she asks fearfully.
“A couple of weeks. But before that, it was only a few days.” Maggie tells her like it’s no big deal.
Alex shakes her head, her thumbs tracing the wrinkles by Maggie’s eyes. Why couldn’t she always remember one of the most special women this earth ever carried? Why of all illnesses, she had to get what her grandma had, fucking merciless Alzheimer. The very thing that keeps taking the most important thing from her.
“I wish you’d get out of these walls. Live the rest of your life outside of there.” Alex tells her, looking over their shoulders in direction of the residence.
“ You’re my life .” Maggie retorts, frowning up at her.
“You know what I mean.” Alex sighs.
“Of course, I do, you’ve said it to me at least a dozen times.” Maggie scoffs, slipping her fingers beneath Alex’s hat to scratch at her hair.
“Get your hearing aids checks on then.” Alex replies, not able to keep her eyes open with Maggie touching her like that.
She forces herself to when she feels Maggie tugging her at her short hair.
“Where would I even go, Danvers? I can’t even walk out the doors without my knees hurting. Besides, I’m not leaving you.”
“I’m leaving you all the time.” Alex’s throat scratches “Aren’t you tired of your heart being broken?”
Maggie takes a deep breath and Alex can’t look away from the fire in her eyes.
“Danvers. I’ve lived through so many heartbreaks. But loving you. Seeing your eyes lit up every time you recognize me? It isn’t heartbreak, love. It’s gratefulness. Because all I think is yes, she sees me, and I see her one more time. One more time is all I'm living up for now, Alex.”
Alex can’t stop the tears from falling at the pure love in Maggie’s voice. What had she done to deserve Maggie Sawyer as her wife?
“We promised each other a lifetime of firsts .” Alex recalls her, struggling to get the words out.
“Yeah, and I’d rather live a lifetime of repeated firsts than give you up.” Maggie tells her tightly between her trembling lips.
Alex stays silent for a long moment, overwhelmed by the intensity of Maggie’s vow. She knows they’ve had this talk in the past. She remembers it now. She doesn’t know for how long, but she doesn’t want to waste that time by fighting.
“Tell me, Sawyer. Was your plan for us to catch pneumonia so we could die together?” Alex teases her wife, her throat tight as she fights off the emotions “Because I'd be down for that. It’s a bit morbid but awfully romantic.”
Maggie laughs and cry at the same time, leaning into her arms. Alex embraces her as tightly as she could with her weak arms as the wind start picking up. She drops a kiss on Maggie’s cold nose and forehead.
“Sometimes, I wished I had said yes to have kids. Maybe they would have help you remember more than I do.”
Alex’s heart skips several beats, and her bones hurts more from her wife’s statement than the cold.
“Mags, no. Our lives, when I do remember it, is nothing short of perfect.” Alex assures her “Honestly, I wished we had kids, so you’d have more visitors that remember the absolute wonderful woman that you are.”
“I don’t need them. All I ever needed was you.” Maggie shakes her head before tilting it to meet Alex’s eyes “I’m not doing anything special, Alex. I couldn’t find a miraculous cure. I didn’t paint your walls with pictures of our family. The only thing I can do is love you, be there for you and wait for you to come back to me. Always.”
Alex blinks away her tears, not wanting to miss any second of looking at this absolute angel and recognizes her for who she is.
“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” Alex tells her, wishing she could list off all the things she loves about her wife.
Her resilience, her strength, her beauty, her brain, her arms, her heart, her stubbornness, her weird taste in food, her skin, her moisturizer, her perfume, her lips, her laugh, her jokes, her eyes, her loyalty, her love.
“I know.” Maggie replies softly as if she heard everything that crossed her mind at speedlight.
Every single thing on her list is a filament of a much stronger cord. The lasso of truth has nothing against it. It holds her heart together and if Alex is honest, sometimes it feels as if Maggie’s holding the thing in the palm of her hand. Pumping it with love, vitality and their lifetimes of memories.
“I love you even when I don’t know you.” Alex declares, tracing the lines of her wife’s face and pushing her hair away “Maggie, even when I think I don’t know you, I still think of you. Sometimes when Kara visits, I get frustrated because I look at the pictures on the wall and I don’t know those faces even though I know I do.”
Alex takes a moment to breathe while Maggie listens, enraptured by her clear consciousness.
“Kara always says to get out of my head. To focus on the heart. And my heart, Maggie, it still knows you, it still loves you. It always will.” she promises, hoping to give Maggie a little bit of peace of mind.
“The heart dies last they say.” Maggie whispers brokenly, letting her tears fall freely.
Alex is quick to dry them before the cold wind. She knows they should get back to the residence before the attendants notices them being missing. Her fingers and toes are aching too, and she noticed Maggie’s knees trembling for a while.
She hugs her wife first, hiding her nose in the warmth of her neck. Maggie does the same, breathing each other in. After a minute, Alex nudges her wife’s chin so she can press their lips together. Maggie kisses her back promptly. There’s no urgency, no imminent fear, just living in the now. Alex kisses her with the same feverishness from their very first kiss all those years ago at that bar. Full of hope and light and a touch of ‘at last, I am home’.
“We should head back.” Maggie hums regretfully, the cold making the both of them shiver.
They stand up painfully, throwing away their big belly burger bag. Alex’s gloved hands starts to freeze as she holds on to her walker. There are no regrets though as Maggie leans into her and unto her cane gleaming in the dark of the night.
“You’ll come back to my room, sleep in my bed?” Alex asks, trying to warm up her nose on Maggie’s soft hat.
“I’ll stay until you fall asleep and before you wake up.” Maggie reassures her with a relaxed smile.
Alex knows Maggie is being careful because she had violent reactions in the past when she didn’t remember her as they woke up next to each other. For every first Maggie was living again, how many times did she have to grieve the normalcy of their relationships?
“You’re welcome to sneak in my bed anytime, Danvers.” Maggie adds with a grin in her voice to make Alex smile.
They slowly walk until they get out of the park but Maggie doesn’t call back a taxi yet. They take their time, walking their way back to the residence. Maybe their bodies would regret it the next day, but Alex couldn’t care less. Like Maggie said, they got to live day to day and this night is just perfect.
“I don’t want it to stop. I want to be with you all the time.” Alex tells her, not able to stop the fear from overcoming her “I want to know how much you mean to me.”
They stop at a streetlight of an empty street. There’s a church down the street with a choir singing silent night but all Alex can focus on is Maggie’s breathing and the warmth of her eyes.
“I’ll know it for the both of us.” she reassures her.
“It's not fair.” Alex replies, wishing Maggie didn’t have to carry this burden on her own, wishing her brain would let her keep this. The memory of her.
Maggie hooks her cane on her walker before reaching up to take Alex’s face in her hands. Alex holds themselves up as best as she can with her weak limbs.
“Hey, some people don’t even get what we had and still have. Nothing can take that away from us as long as I breathe. Let's hold on to that.” Maggie tells her with so much strength and certainty that Alex can only believe her.
“I'll hold on for as long as I can.” Alex swears, leaning down to kiss Maggie’s lips “Thank you for everything, my love.”
Her wife smiles against her lips before tiptoeing to kiss her forehead. Alex feels young despite everything and hopes Maggie can see in her eyes all the love, the pride and gratitude emanating from her. She thinks she must because she sees it too in her wife’s eyes. The real stars in the only sky that matters.
“Don't worry, I got you.” Maggie promises with the same smile that melt Alex’s bones since before her thirties “Always.”
Maggie is like the guardian of her memories, of who she truly is. Alex sees her at the lighthouse overlooking the dark lake of her mind. Waiting for a shimmering of recognition, a ripple of her soul at the surface. Always present and ready to guide her home right there in her arms. Her safe harbor.
Alex rarely knows what time it is anymore. It doesn’t matter that the church’s bells ring, announcing midnight and the families wishing a Merry Christmas to all. All that matters is the hand she’s holding, the love she’s carrying and Maggie’s name at the forefront of her mind.
Time is liquid and transient. Life is a circle, that's a fact. And circles, they make thousands of them. Maggie lives for one more time while Alex can only live in the now. They’re not always in sync and sometimes her mind is on hold. But her heart... always know. Her heart will die last and their love will transcend.
Something as pure and as real as them has no other choice.
The End