Archive of Our Own ^beta

Nahida couldn’t help but be awed at the Adepti magic needed to create a realm inside a teapot of all things. Lumine had offered her a small sigal, one that she said she gives close friends so they could stop by anytime. Looking around, the sky was an eternal sunset, and she spotted a little birdie inside another teapot who waved her over. “I’m Tubby, and you must be Nahida.” Tubby suddenly spoke while Nahida blinked owlishly at them, “Lumine loves having friends over, but due to some….situations, she has created some rules everyone must read before entering.” What Nahida was expecting was a few rules to be listed off, what she was NOT expecting was a long scroll to suddenly appear, the paper dragging on the ground as Tubby handed her the rules. “Just read this and you can enter. Lumine already wrote some rules that apply to you specifically in advance”

Nahida had a feeling this was going to take a while. 

Rules of the Teapot

By Lumine Viatrix

1. Paimon, you cannot eat all of the snacks in the cupboards. Those are for guests, and the next time I have to deal with a hungry Klee giving me the biggest puppy dog eyes possible, you are the one going in the cooking pot to feed her. 
2. Amber is not allowed to give anyone gliding lessons. Even if they ask.
   1. ESPECIALLY if it’s anyone from the Fatui. Why did you think giving Fatui members gliding lessons was a good idea?!
   2. No, you are also not allowed to help Bennett practice gliding in the teapot. Go practice at the Cathedral for all I care, but NOT in the teapot for Celestia’s sake. 
3. Venti is not allowed to lead karaoke sessions. Not for any celebration or reason. If alcohol is involved, anyone is free to drop-kick Venti off the floating island and out of the Teapot.
4. Diluc and Childe are not permitted to be in the Teapot simultaneously. No exceptions. Not even if it would be entertaining.
   1. Not even if Childe says he can take him in a fight.
   2. Not even if Diluc says that the only good Harbinger is a dead one, and if he’s stupid enough to fight him to bring it on.
   3. “They are allowed to fight each other for others to bet on them”. Kaeya is not allowed to edit this list.
5. Jean is not allowed to use the Teapot as a safe space to do her work in peace. How she ever came to the conclusion that this was a safe and sane place to work is still a mystery. 
   1. Any work of Jean’s found in the Teapot is to be given to her and one is allowed to remind her of the no-working rule. One is not allowed to set fire to said work because “she isn’t supposed to be working”. I don’t know who did it, but I know it was one of the pyromaniacs here. 
6. No one is allowed to play Spin the Bottle. 
7. No one is allowed to play Seven Minutes in Heaven.
8. No one is allowed to play any kissing games, whatsoever. Not even if it helps with others' “gay awakenings” Venti. 
9. Venti is not allowed to sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in retaliation to someone insulting him. 
   1. Or flirting with him.
   2. Or joking with him. 
   3. Or talking with him.
   4. In retaliation to ANYTHING. 
   5. I have been informed this is to cause confusion and because Brittany Spears’ songs are the greatest. No matter how much I agree, it’s still a no. 
10. Klee may not leave her Jumpty Dumpty’s as presents for anyone. Especially if they’re filled with glitter. Do you know how hard it is to remove glitter from carpet?!
11. Rosaria, Kaeya, and Venti are not allowed to have a “drink off”, the cost of repairing everything that was destroyed almost gave Ningguang a heart attack. 
12. Childe is not allowed to offer Fire-Water to Chongyun. 
    1. Or chilis
    2. Or fire
    3. Or Mora
    4. Or blankets
    5. Or sex ed books
13. Childe is not to be allowed within 30 feet of Chongyun. This is at the request of Xingqiu, who has still not recovered from his gay panic attack once Chongyun had consumed Fire-Water, chilis, who had read the sex ed books Childe gave. 
14. Chongyun is not allowed within eyesight of Xingqiu until further notice and vice versa. This is at the request of both Chongyun and Xinqiu so they both do not faint upon sight of each other after last Friday night
    1. "Where they danced on table tops and took too many shots and think they kissed-”
    2. Venti is not allowed to edit this list. 
15. Barbara, I know this is a shock, but Venti is Barbatos. Yes, I know he isn’t what you imagined, but just because he is “Lord Barbatos” does not give you permission to grovel at his feet and apologize for ever getting mad at him for destroying the Lyre, before pranking you and “fixing it”. 
    1. Barbara IS allowed to use her Vision to torment Venti if deemed necessary.
16. Dori is not allowed to give Mona classes on making Mora, legally or otherwise.
17. Zhongli is not allowed to give Mona classes on spending Mora. 
18. No one is allowed to give Mona classes involving Mora in any way, shape, or form. 
19. Childe, I don’t know how you managed it, but no bringing Scaramouche into the Teapot to have him argue with Mona about the stars and the universe. Aren’t you supposed to be hunting him down?!
    1. Not even if the bickering is the “best entertainment you’ve seen since you fell into the Abyss”
    2. Lisa is not allowed to commentate on this bickering and how it’s the most “rage-filled pining” she has ever seen, or comment about the tension in the air. 
20. Scaramouche is not allowed to enter the Teapot.
    1. He is allowed only under the condition he brings La Signora’s ashes for revenge purposes upon the bitch. 
    2. Said ashes should be handed to Venti, this is the only time I am trusting Venti’s judgment on anything. 
21. Klee is not allowed to go near any fish. No exceptions. 
22. Childe is Klee's babysitter if Albedo isn't available. No exceptions.
    
    1. Even if he has Fatui work. Bring her along, she’ll scare the Fatui out of Monstadt and Liyue in no time. 
23. Shenhe is not allowed to threaten to remove the insides of people who don’t follow the rules. 
    1. Except Childe’s. If Shenhe defeats Childe in a duel fair and square, she is free to try. 
24. At the request of Ganyu, Cloud Retainer is no longer allowed to share childhood stores.
    1. This request has been denied.
25. Miko and Lisa are not allowed to play matchmaker. Several people have still not mentally recovered from being convinced they are secretly head over heels for their friend/stranger/brother/sister/mother/father. 
    1. Actually, Miko and Lisa are not allowed to convince ANYONE that they like anyone else. 
    2. Even if two people are obviously pining for each other, it’s still a no.
26. Miko and Lisa are not allowed to enlist help and make others play matchmaker for them. 
27. Placing bets on the scholarly debate of Tighnari and Albedo will be limited to 100 mora after the questionable financial decisions of an old man. 
28. Trying to convince Itto does not exist, to Itto, is strictly prohibited. That airhead somehow ended up with an existential crisis, I didn’t even know he was capable of that. 
29. No one is allowed to tell Itto the truth behind Ms. Hina. I never want to see Itto in a sexuality crisis, Teyvat wouldn’t survive. 
30. Miko is not allowed to be in the pot at the same time as Gorou. He has been traumatized enough. 
    1. Thoma has also requested to have Miko not be allowed at the Teapot at the same time. This decision is still pending. 
31. Heizou should keep exploiting the unique abilities of other teapot users for his investigations to a minimum, we are here to have fun, not to solve murders. 
    1. Even at the request of other teapot users, no asking in the teapot. 
    2. Especially at the request of other users of the teapot. The red string connecting everything in the teapot was so knotted that somehow Bennett, Fischl, and Razor tied up in it.
32. Miko is not allowed to claim any sort of red string, used for conspiracy theories or otherwise, is the red string between soulmates. 
33. Ei is not allowed in the kitchen, or within 10 feet of it. No exceptions.
    1. Not even if Xiangling offers to teach her to cook.
    2. Not even if it’s only frying an egg. The teapot somehow ended up FLOODED the last time that was attempted. How did you guys even manage that?!
34. Itto is to be kept separate from Kujou Sara, regardless of what he claims, per her request. 
35. Laugh at Cyno’s jokes at your own risk.
    1. At requested elaboration, Cyno explaining a joke is to be avoided. 
    2. Especially if Albedo asks for elaboration. That conversation somehow lasted two hours straight without either of them ever taking a breather. Tighnari joined in, and Venti encouraged it. It was a strange experience. 
    3. Many people thought they were smoking Naku Weed. They weren’t. They just wish they were. 
36. Venti is not allowed to manipulate Diona into mixing drinks. Not even if you’re a god. The answer is still no. 
37. Due to popular request, concerts will be held on Fridays. Ayaka, Nilou, Yun Jin, Xinyan, and Barbara will be allowed to perform. Venti, this does not overrule the aforementioned karaoke rule, don’t even try. Anyone who tries to sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” will be banned from concerts for the foreseeable future.
38. Group therapy has been purposed by a well-traveled mother, we are currently reviewing the idea as we speak.
39. Show Tubby proper respect. Seriously, they have to deal with you all! This is the least you can do.
    1. Itto’s Tubby time has been limited to an hour.
    2. Itto’s Tubby time has been limited to half an hour. 
    3. Itto’s Tubby time has been limited to 10 minutes.
    4. Itto’s Tubby time privileges have been revoked. 
    5. Venti’s Tubby time is on thin fucking ice. 
40. Fireworks at to be kept outside the teapot. I appreciate the show Yoimiya, but Tubby nearly had a heart attack last time. 
41. Sayu may not use the teapot as a place to avoid work. We can all tell what barrel you’re hiding in, and will not hesitate to call Miko. 
    1. The above was said for legal purposes, you are not required to report the suspicious barrel. 
42. Noelle is banned from housework, and Thoma is banned from helping Noelle complete said housework. 
43. Suspicious men with eyepatches lurking in the distance are to be ignored. He will not bother you, and frankly just needs some social interaction. 
    1. The strange man with the eyepatch is not Kaeya.
    2. Does anyone know where Kaeya went?
44. Xiao is mandated an hour of relaxation each week. Itto is not allowed to see him during this time.
    1. We appreciate your efforts Itto, but Xiao needs some relaxation in his life. 
    2. Or Childe. 
    3. Or Venti, as per Xiao’s request. 
    4. “He’s lying”, no he isn’t Venti, and please reference rule 14b
45. Rosaria is not allowed unsupervised sister time with Razor. A wolf cult was started last time, and we are still currently looking for the remaining members on the run as we speak.
    1. Somehow they managed to communicate with the Rifthounds and get them to join said cult.
    2. And Abyss Mages.
    3. And Enjou. Where did you guys even meet him?!
46. Kaeya is no longer allowed to teach Razor “other languages.”
    1. Kaeya is also not allowed to teach Rosaria said languages with the purpose of her teaching Razor the languages.
47. Enjou is not allowed to comment on my perfectly rational amount of produce. Can he cook a perfect meal from the crusty contents of his bag? I think not!
    1. And wait, how did Enjou even get in the teapot?!
    2. I have been informed Aether had somehow snuck a sigal of permission out of my bag when I was sleeping to allow Enjou in, so Aether, my brother, kindly, fuck you.
48. After the recent incident (that gave Tubby a cold) there is now a dedicated research lab on the second island. Researchers like Albedo, Tighnari, Sucrose, and Collei may make use of it.
    1. Itto is banned from the lab. I don’t care if you were trying to help.
    2. Venti is also banned.
    3. So is Klee.
    4. Scratch that, everyone who is not mentioned in the list is banned from the research lab. This includes Zhongli for unmentionable reasons.
49. Diluc and Rosaria are not allowed to use spare bedrooms as torture chambers for suspicious people.
    1. Kaeya is not allowed to supply suspicious people.
    2. The eyepatch man is not a suspicious person, please do not question him Rosaria. 
    3. Lisa is not allowed to use weapons left behind in the torture room for “fun”.
50. Anyone who messes with Nahida gets an instant ban, no exceptions.
51. Venti, Zhongli, Ei, and Nahida are only allowed to have Archon tea parties if they request a time, date, and exact reason for said tea party being held at least a month in advance.
52. Kokomi has been given permission to host a book club, provided it does not disturb other visitors.
    1. Please limit self-promotion Xingqiu, we know you are excited but there are other books.
    2. Chongyun is not allowed to promote Xingqiu’s books. He is still doing this while being distanced from Xingqiu. 
    3. I have been informed that Xingqiu keeps a diary. This is the only book he is allowed to promote because his pining over Chongyun is one of the greatest pieces of literature to date.
53. Nahida is not allowed to ask Razor when he takes a “dook dook” if it’s a wolf's “dook dook”.
    1. Nahida, please limit your dook-dook questions to five a day.
54. Kuki Shionbou and Yanfei would like to remind you that contracts and deals made within the teapot might be legally doubtful and that you should approach them outside the teapot with any legal questions.
    1. Zhongli would like to remind you of the importance of being careful with contracts. 
    2. Itto, really-
55. Hu Tao is not allowed to summon the spirits of the dead around Chongyun, even if he requests it.
    1. Childe is not allowed to ‘drive up business’ for Hu Tao. Or Heizou.
    2. Or Yelan.
    3. Or Kaeya.
    4. Childe is no longer allowed to make business deals.
56. Childe is not allowed to try to hide bodies in the teapot for Heizou to find, or else his body will be the next one Heizou finds. 
57. Tighnari, please refrain from bringing hallucinogenic mushrooms into the teapot for research. Everyone else, please refrain from eating things in the lab, even if they look like candy.
    1. This message is especially for Klee and Itto.
58. Fischl has requested a cosplay club. I blame Alice.
    1. Venti is not allowed to dress up as Nagisa from Assassination Classroom. He already causes enough gender confusion as is. 
    2. Wait, Venti, how do you even know about Earth anime?!
    3. “Ehe~!”
59. Harbingers are not allowed to interact with Collei. This is targeted at you, Childe, don’t be a part of an organization that supports child experimentation.
    1. Childe is, however, allowed to use the torture room if he tortures Dottre II. This is the only time he is permitted to interact with Collei.
60. It goes without saying that all Fatui members excluding Childe are banned from the teapot.
61. Bringing siblings to visit the teapot should be something consulted with myself ahead of time.
    1. Teucer as of now has met Klee. I pray to any competent Archon out there for our souls. 
    2. Childe has informed me that it seems Tuecer has a slight crush on Klee. Due to this turn of events, it is advised to review your will with Hu Tao in the near future.
62. In other news, Ayato and Ningguang have decided to open a joint sweet shop. This has been permitted.
    1. The shop has been franchised in both Liyue Harbor and Ritou City. Please refrain from opening a second shop in the main house. 
    2. Or outside the main house.
    3. No opening a second shop in the teapot in general. 
    4. No you both cannot open a third shop without opening a second first, that’s not how numbers work.
63. Investigation into which individual gave them this idea to ignore how numbers work is being conducted by Heizou, with punishment dealt with by Shenhe. Whoever you are, pray this is the first case Heizou can’t solve.
    1. Results have found Klee suggested it. Charges and punishment have been dropped.
64. Yae Miko is banned from giving financial advice.
    1. Or relationship advice.
    2. Advice in general by Miko is banned.
65. Unsupervised drinking between Kaeya, Rosaria, Deyha, and Beidou is not permitted.
    1. Venti does not count as supervision.
    2. Venti is now a part of the aforementioned group.
66. Raiden and Kazuha should not be left alone together.
    1. Raiden and Ei owe Kazuha an apology. 
    2. Kazuha, like the man we absolutely do not deserve, forgave them.
67. Eula should not encourage Shenhe to “wish vengeance” upon those who have wronged her. 
68. Alhathiam is joining the researchers allowed in the lab today. Gods help us all.
    1. No blasphemy, I’m on thin ice as it is. 
    2. Everything has been too quiet in there and I’m too afraid to check. The advice to review one's will is once again highly suggested. 
    3. Kaeya has gone to check. We pray for his safety. Not to you Venti, that would be a bad idea.
69. Aside from the concerning lab situation, Lisa has purposed a relationship advice class. I’m looking forward to seeing how both Xingqiu and Chongyun will fare.
    1. Itto is not allowed to attend said classes, due to sex ed being covered. I don’t even have the faintest idea of how Lisa could explain conception to him. 
    2. “We could give a demonstration-” ABSOLUTELY NOT. 
    3. Questions about my partner result in an immediate ban.
70. Kaeya has returned. It seems the Naku Weed had some unintended effects on the researchers. They’re fine. In other words, Naku weed and other strange substances are banned from the teapot.
    1. No exceptions for mushrooms.
71. Scholarly debates are now scheduled for Wednesdays. Our prospering group of researchers invites people to come to watch.
    1. Itto is banned from consuming these lectures.
72. Bennett is not allowed within 10 feet of anything breakable.
    1. Or flammable.
    2. Or downable.
    3. Or with the ability to wilt.
    4. Or anything that can be shattered.
73. Bennett is not allowed without Klee inside the Teapot, it’s the only way he can not be a safety hazard. 
74. Beidou is not allowed to use her stocks of alcohol as bribes.
    1. Nor is she allowed to trick Venti by saying it’s Dandelion Wine before running off into the distance and fleeing to the Alcor.
75. Ayaka is required to take off her socks if she wishes to dance in the water, no exceptions. How she hasn’t already caught a cold doing that, I haven’t a clue.
    1. Ayaka is also not allowed to convince others to dance in the weather with their socks on to prove they’ll be fine.
76. No rules on this list will ever apply to Qiqi. No exceptions. 
77. Keqing is not allowed to use the teapot as her date spot with that new man of hers, which, Keqing, really? Eyepatch man?
78. Group therapy is supposed to HELP everyone, it is not a competition for who has the most trauma!
    1. Even if Xiao is arguably the clear winner.
79. Zhongli is to be referred to as Xiao’s father, no exceptions. 
80. Xinyan and Kazuha are the only people who are allowed to interact with anyone they wish to.
    1. Why? They’re the only ones who I feel I can trust not to break out a fight, get into a political debate, or cause chaos upon whoever they meet.
81. Yelan and Shenhe are not to be referred to as the “Mommy Lesbians”, even if that is exactly what they are. 
82. Albedo and Kaeya are not allowed to get drunk with one another. The last time that happened, they both somehow kidnapped Venti and Zhongli as revenge for Khaenri’ah.
    1. The Archons were not found for weeks afterward and refused to speak of what had occurred within that time. I’m too scared to inquire further.
83. Despite only having recently met Candace, she is the teapot big sister, because I want a big sister.
    1. Only I can designate who I consider family so stop asking, you probably already are to me.
84. If Kazuha gets drunk, someone is required to take photos and film, it’s absolutely adorable and I need material for favors from Heizou. 
85. No cook-offs against Xiangling are allowed. Yes most of you can create very tasty food, but you all make too much, and food has a habit of spoiling. 
86. I have been informed the eyepatch man that isn’t Kaeya has been Aether in a really bad disguise.
    1. Keqing, as soon as I can find you, we ARE having a conversation about this.
87. If Aether is seen, anyone has the permission to wack him in the back of the head and bring him to yours truly, the better twin. 
88. No one is allowed to give parenting advice to Ei. None of you are even parents!
    1. Zhongli doesn’t count. He may be a father but he absolutely no idea how to parent.
89. No one is allowed to disturb Xiao when he’s sleeping. If you do, I will personally hunt you down for your crimes. 
90. Yelan is not allowed to set up any sort of betting game whatsoever.
    1. Not even if it’s the fastest way you extorted money out of the Fatui in years.
    2. Diluc is not allowed to assist Yelan with extorting money out of the Fatui.
91. If Xiao and Hu Tao are in the vicinity together, it is advised to back away slowly if possible. If this cannot be done, leave the Teapot IMMEDIATELY. 
92. No making out in the spare bedrooms. You know who you are. 
93. If plans to torment Timmie’s pigeons are being made in the teapot, they must be approved by me before going into effect.
    1. Requirements are: A distraction, a bribe, and a way to kill all pigeons immediately.
94. No anime is to be brought into Teyvat, how would you even play it?
95. No trying to teach Zhongli how to “woo the ladies”, he doesn’t understand what you all mean, and he needs absolutely no help in that department. 
96. The teapot is not the place to be held for speed dating, even if speed dating, while everyone was drunk, was one of the best things I have witnessed within the past few hundred years.
    1. Spying on you-know-whose date cannot be legally or morally endorsed.
97. No one is to use the torture interrogation room tonight, Keqing and I have a few things to discuss. 
98. The only thing that is allowed to be smuggled into Teyvat at this time is junk food because I need my junk food.
    1. And period products. PLEASE, Tayvat needs them. 
    2. No technology is to be smuggled in, I don’t even want to hear about how you robbed a BestBuy in broad daylight Venti.
99. If anyone is to somehow break the teapot, you’ll be the one explaining to Madame Ping why I’m suddenly homeless.
    1. She may look like an old lady, but she is an adeptus. She will kick your ass.
100. Paimon will be forced to write down any future rules for eating all the food in the cupboards. I hope you like your hot tub with vegetables Paimon.