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The house was really quiet. Nobody had said much to Richard after the phone call, and honestly Richard was glad for it; he knew the guys felt bad about what happened, but they weren’t the most empathetic bunch, and hollow “I’m sorry”s were something he didn’t really need right now.
He didn’t really know what he needed right now. His body had settled into a pervasive feeling of numbness, not even letting him cry like he’d wanted to earlier. Maybe it was better this way. If he was anything other than numb he’d have to feel bad about what had happened after the phone call.
Everyone had left for their rooms early, giving Richard sympathetic looks as they went. There wasn’t really anything they could say, was there? He’d been standing there, staring down at his phone, about to cry now that he was alone, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Jared was standing in front of him, concern painted over his features.
“Richard…”
Something in him snapped.
“What are you doing?”
“I…” Jared hesitated, looking confused at Richard’s tone. “I know nothing I say can possibly make this better, but I just wanted you to know that I’ll still be here to support you, in whatever–”
“Support me?” He shrugged off Jared’s hand. “Support me in what? Support me how? Will you run at my heels when I keep being a total fucking failure?”
“You’re not–”
“Oh, but I am. It’s just a matter of time, everything I touch crashes and burns, or I do. And what the fuck are you doing? You’ll support me? Why, to feed into your, your, your weird weird obsession with me, and don’t act like I don’t know, everyone knows–” and he saw the shock and hurt on Jared’s face here, knew he should stop but he couldn’t, “–and I don’t fucking want it, I don’t want your pity or whatever fucking thing it is you feel about me, I just want you to leave me alone. Just. Leave me alone.”
And Jared looked devastated. Richard fucked up, badly, and he wanted to take back everything when he saw Jared’s face, but he couldn’t form the words. Not even as Jared tried and failed to fight back tears.
“I see.”
He left and shut himself in the bathroom before Richard could unstick his mouth.
That was about when his anger and sadness had given way to numbness and led him to where he was now- locked in his room, unable to sleep. trying to block out everything with his headphones.
Well. He’d taken off the headphones a while ago, after realizing there wasn’t much of anything to block out. Now he was lying in bed, feeling like a coward.
He wanted to find Jared, apologize, but he can’t bring himself to move. It was easier than actually trying to salvage his… whatever it was, that they had.
He didn’t want Jared to leave him alone. And he definitely wasn’t the only one with a weird obsession.
Richard had probably ruined everything, now.
Faintly, he realized he could hear the shower running, and wondered why anyone would be using it at three in the morning.
…Jared went into the bathroom earlier. Was he still in there? He didn’t actually have anywhere else to go.
Shit.
Richard suddenly found that he could bring himself to get out of bed.
Everyone else’s doors were closed, so he knew it must be Jared in the shower. Richard didn’t actually know what to do with that information, so he sat on the floor next to the door and waited for Jared to come out.
Thirty minutes later and Richard is standing awkwardly at the door, thinking about if he should knock, because Jared is still in the shower.
“Um...” He cleared his throat. “J-Jared? Are you in there?”
No response.
He knocked, and spoke a bit louder. “Jared?”
Still nothing. If he spoke any louder, he might wake up the others, and he really didn’t want to deal with anyone else right now.
“Jared, I know you’re there, I just- I just want to talk, okay?”
It was barely noticeable over the stream of water, but Richard could make out a quiet sob.
And fuck, Richard thought, I did that.
How do I fix this?
He tested the door handle and found it unlocked.
“I, um. I’m sorry, but I’m coming in, okay?”
Richard was not prepared for the sight that greeted him.
Jared was huddled and shivering under the shower spray, still in his clothes from earlier that day. He had a washcloth in his hands; when Richard looked closer it looked like he was using it to rub his hands raw.
He closed the door as quietly as possible and called out.
“Jared?”
Jared looked up, and his eyes were wide and red-rimmed. He looked terrified. The scrubbing of his hands became frantic.
“No, please, I- I’m sorry, I’m leaving you alone, you don’t, you don’t have to--”
“Jared,” Richard walked forward, completely out of his element, but knowing he had to do something. “Your hands. They don’t, um. They don’t look so good.”
“Oh.” And Jared looked down as if he didn’t even realize what he was doing. “I’m just trying to get them clean, they won’t come clean--”
“Please.” Richard sat next to the tub and reached out. “Put it down. Okay?”
He looked from Richard’s face to his hands rapidly, then- “Okay. Okay,” and handed the cloth over.
“Okay.” He reached behind him and put it on the sink. “Can we... can we talk?”
Jared shivered. “You don’t have to be in here, you were right, I can’t support you, I don’t know what I was thinking--”
“Jared.” He reached out and grabbed Jared’s hands. He had no idea what he’s doing and now his arms were soaked but Jared was at least looking directly at him. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. What I said was, was totally fucked up, and not true at all. You... you’re great, you could support anyone and they’d be lucky, and successful, and- fuck, Pied Piper wouldn’t have even gotten here if it wasn’t for you. I don’t, I don’t really matter. It’s all you.”
“...You matter to me.”
He squeezed Jared’s hands, and this was completely ridiculous, because Jared’s been crying and Richard was sitting next to the tub while cold water was still soaking both of them, but fuck it, he might as well put all his cards on the table, it’s only fair-- “I love you.” Jared’s eyes somehow got even wider. “I do, okay, and what I said before- I was angry and upset but that doesn’t make it okay, because you matter to me, too. I’m so sorry I made you do this.”
“You...” and he paused, didn't seem to know what to do with himself. “...Can you please help me out of here?”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
Richard turned off the shower and carefully helped Jared stand up.
When they leave, Jared still seems very guarded, but lets Richard help him find dry clothes to change into. He tries his best to help Jared calm down, without pushing him, and when Jared awkwardly says that he’s going to sleep on the couch, he says “Why don’t you stay in my room?”
He was kicking himself and Jared was looking all wide-eyed at him again, but he said “Okay.”
And it was awkward. So, so awkward. Jared was still clearly anxious, Richard felt bad and his declaration in the bathroom was still ringing in his head, but they decided to both squish themselves into Richard’s loft bed because neither would let the other sleep on the floor.
It was dark, and they had situated themselves as best they can, and when Richard finally felt himself about to fall asleep, he felt Jared touch his back and whisper, “I love you, too.”