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“…and we have proof! Pizzasaurus has been sighted not only at the home of the Loch Ness monster, but also in the woods commonly known to be Bigfoots stomping grounds. Now, what could this mean? We already know what-!”
Donnie abruptly stopped his descent back into his ‘Pizzasaurus’ conspiracy rabbit hole when he noticed Leo draped upside down over a beanbag that was definitely not that close to him a few minutes ago. Suspicious, Donnie looked down at the blank screen of his tablet while trying to subtly glance up at Leo, who was definitely eyeing him right now over the pages of his book.
‘This is fine,’ Donnie thought nervously as he tried to calm himself down. Sure, maybe he was being a little bit paranoid about his brothers (mostly Leo) finding out he was getting back into the whole Pizzasaurus thing again. And sure, their concern about his obsession with it was fair considering what happened during The That-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Said Incident. It could have been way worse in Donnies personal opinion. He didn’t even get to break out the laser drones.
Donnies rambling thoughts were rudely interrupted by a light green hand covering his tablets screen and snatching it away.
“Wha- Hey!” Donnie shouted as he shot his hands out to grab the stolen device. His efforts were in vain.
“Pizzasaurus again, Donnie? Really? Remember what happened last time with the-?”
“The gas leak had nothing to do with me and you know it!” Donnie protested as he snatched his tablet back from Leo's hands.
“Uh-huh,” Leo said, sounding entirely unconvinced. He plopped himself down beside Donnie and watched intently at the adjustments he was making on his tablet. “Sooo,” he said, “Whatcha doing now?”
Donnie opened his mouth to answer, but before he could get any words out , Leo’s hands reached out towards the tablet again. Knowing what to expect this time, Donnie’s robotic arms shot out of his battle shell and moved the tablet out of the way.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Donnie asked, looking down at him.
Leo scowled.
“Dude, I thought I saw something you’re really gonna want to see,” he said as Donnie reluctantly lowered his tablet. “Here, look.” He clicked on a video and both of their eyes widened as they fully realized what it was.
“We’ve gotta call April.”
It took no more than ten minutes for April to get down to the lair, but to the brothers who had been unceremoniously pulled away from whatever they were doing to the kitchen, it felt like an eternity.
“Where’s the fire!!” April shouted as she bursted into the kitchen, baseball bat in her hand.
“Ugh, finally you’re here,” Leo said dramatically as he pulled her over to the island in the center of the kitchen. “Now we can start. Donnie, you’ve got the video set up, right?”
“Right here,” Donnie said as he gave the tablet's position one final adjustment so everyone could see.
“Donnie,” April said with a dangerous tone to her voice, “I sure hope that watching some silly video with you is not the only reason you called me frantically, told me to get down here ASAP and that it was important, then hung up and wouldn’t answer any of my calls.”
“Okay, first of all: Gasp. How dare you think so little of me to believe that I, a true gentleturtle to be sure, would call you down here over ‘some silly video’.” Donnie punctuated the end of his statement with extremely offended air quotes before continuing. “And second,” he said as pressed play, “You’ve gotta see this.”
“We’ve even been waiting for you!” Mikey said.
“And they won’t even tell us what it is exactly we’ve been waiting for,” Raph said grumpily as he munched on a bowl of popcorn.
“Shush!” Leo said, “It’s starting. Soon all will be revealed, hermanos. And you will so be thanking us for this.”
Welcome back to another episode, and for this week we’re covering a case that’s… strange to say
the least.
Strange even for us?
Yep.
Oh, boy. So what is it?
Todays episode is dedicated to the mysterious disappearance of famous action star Lou Jitsu
No, Ryan. Now people are going
to come after us.
[laughs]
Lou Jitsu was one of the greatest action movie stars of all time. He came up seemingly out of nowhere and made a huge splash on the movie scene, pumping out movies like Teriyaki Shakedown, Punch Chowder, 1 Fish 2 Fish Red Fish Dead Fish, etc. all up until that fateful night when he just vanished.
Look, I just gotta say, who named
those movies like that? Who in
their right mind approved that?
The first few especially were just 90’s budget flicks before the guy took off. Then I think it was just his brand or something.
I’d pick a better brand.
Stop insulting the dead guy.
We don’t even know if he’s really dead.
He could be holed up in a trailer somewhere
way out of town and, I don’t know, running a
Puppy rescue or something.
With his career at a consistent high, Lou Jitsu had finally made it to the big
leagues, and it didn’t look like anyone would be dethroning him anytime soon.
Things really were going well. Maybe too well.
What do you mean too well?
Anonymous sources say that during the months before he went missing, Lou
Jitsu had supposedly met someone very special.
Like a girl? Was he going to propose?
Exactly. He dates this mystery girl for about six months, makes sure none of the paparazzi know about her or anything.
Was he acting strange?
Not at all, and that’s the most baffling part. His personal assistant, as well as long time friend, Ellie May, has said that during his courtship with the girl, everything seemed fine. Great, even. Lou never skipped out on film days or anything out of the ordinary, though he supposedly did have a habit of taking random fans or aspiring actors and out of the blue bringing them to the set and getting them a part as an extra or something. He was even the one who rocket launched Marcus Moncriefs career as Jupiter Jim. Moncrief ended up making even more movies than Jitsu, though he never reached the same level of fame.
Maybe there was some bad blood
between them?
That was my thought at the beginning.
Ugh, famous people problems.
‘Well I made more movies
‘Well I’m more popular’ yada yada
The thing is, everyone who was close to both Jitsu and Moncrief had never heard either of them say anything even remotely negative about the other. In fact, they never spoke to or of
each other at all unless they were
at the same event or something.
That's a little weird. I mean, you said
that Moncrief only became a movie star
because of Jitsu, right? I would have sent
him a gift basket or something. Like, ‘hey
man, thanks for making my career possible.’
But nothing?
Nothing. Lou Jitsu had been on cloud 9, working on his very last film, not that he knew this at the time. In fact, next to nothing is known about this film. It was never finished and remains shrouded in mystery to this day. The night of his disappearance, according to Ellie May, was the night he was finally going to propose to the mystery girl. He even asked Ellie May to make sure no one else was around his trailer before the girl arrived.
Oooh.
She did what he asked and the next morning,when she went to get him for filming, he was gone. The only thing out of the ordinary was the ring, still in its open box, laying sideways on the floor.
Did the girlfriend kill him? No that
Wouldn’t make sense. If I was going to
Kill my boyfriend like that I’d at least take the
Ring. That’s just sloppy. Who was she anyway?
Nobody ever found out who she was. There was no trace of Jitsu anywhere that the police could find. No one had ever met the girlfriend, nothing.
Maybe he staged it. Was trying to get
Away from the Hollywood hellhole, and
Needed everyone to think he was gone for good.
Everyone said he absolutely loved acting. It was his passion. Not to mention when the police searched his trailer for clues,they found that nothing was missing except him and the clothes he was wearing.
I hate you so much, dude. Honestly. This is by far the most confusing case we’ve ever covered. Why can’t there just be some obvious guy who was all, ‘I hate Lou Jitsu and I want to wipe him from the face of the earth,’ and everyone just completely overlooks it like usual. This is the most frustrating thing I’ve ever heard.
What, no theories? You always have theories.
We both always have theories. You know what? Fine. I think that Lou Jitsu never actually existed and was just multiple different people playing dress up as a joke.
[wheeze] I was being serious.
So am I. Just list- stop laughing- just listen. So, maybe there was this group of people who one day just came up with the idea of Lou Jitsu and it got really big. Way bigger than anyone had ever expected it to. And they made it seem to everyone else that Lou Jitsu was an actual person, but he wasn’t. And when they got tired of the whole thing they retired and staged his disappearance. Nobody ever saw him again because he was made up in the first place.
Like a bunch of raccoons in a trench coat.
More like raccoons in a jumpsuit.
At least it’s something, but we’ve gotta have more here. Really dig deep here.
He was actually a raccoon.
No.
Turned into a raccoon.
Move away from the raccoons.
He turned into a weird little rat man.
[sigh]No! We need something better like-
He’s a weird little rat man who lives in the sewers now:)
And what? Has been spending his time raising a bunch of reptiles as his sons?
He feels like a turtle kind of guy to me. I also think he color coded them. And taught them how to be ninjas [waves hands around and breaks mug] [looks down at broken mug with no emotion.] Same.
And they use their skills to fight crime.
Yeah! Now look who’s jumping on the bandwagon!
I am not jumping on your bandwagon. Here’s what I think happened: Forbidden love.
That’s dumb.
Dumber than your idea?
[steals Ryans mug and takes a sip out of it] Yes.
Listen. There’s probably a reason that no one ever met his girlfriend, right? Especially since he was intending to marry her. So why would he not introduce her to anyone? Because his family didn't like her. Wait no, he was estranged. Her family didn't like him! So he faked his death and they both ran off to get married in secret and lived happily ever after the end.
I think she was actually a giant spider.
We’re done. Thanks so much for watching everyone.
And she made him fight like a gladiator.
Dude, just stop.
[camera cuts out]