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In truth, Minori didn’t know how her life had turned out this way.
Everything had been normal up until a few weeks ago. Well, maybe by Minori’s definition of normal. She had at least enough self-awareness to know that staying up and binge-watching ASRUN live performances and variety show appearances until traces of orange sunlight began to leak through her window didn’t exactly fit into most others’ definition of the word.
Still, she had been perfectly happy with her own state of affairs. Being a hardcore ASRUN fan was fun, after all. She got plenty of enjoyment out of scrambling for live tickets and screaming her throat out in the stands, out of watching their dances until the moves burned into her brain and then trying to emulate them in front of her bathroom mirror. It was all fun. She was having the time of her life, really.
Of course, like many of the other idol fans out there, she had her own preferences among the ranks of ASRUN. She loved all the members, really, but there was one that her eyes always strayed towards, one who she found herself looking for in videos and rewinding the parts where she was featured over and over again. One who her eyes latched onto among the others on the stage. One whose signature color was displayed proudly in her glowsticks and penlights, and whose face and motif featured on almost all of her prized ASRUN merch.
It was Kiritani Haruka. That much was obvious even to her friends, who didn’t share Minori’s passion for idols. She’d given them enough earfuls about her favorite ASRUN member that she was sure they could pick he outr in an instant.
Haruka was a popular pick among ASRUN fans; Minori had gathered that much from scrolling through their fan tag, from looking out at the crowds of fans and picking out swathes of sky blue in the sea of light. She knew she was hardly alone in her feelings. In fact, in a group of hardcore fans like herself, she might even be picked out for being too basic, she thought. Just bandwagoning onto popularity, maybe. She’d reconciled herself with that long ago, though. No matter what other people thought about it, and she was proud to be a Haruka fan.
She’d been a little less proud about it when she heard the news that Haruka was transferring into her school.
Well, if it was just that Haruka would be going to the same school as her, Minori might have been able to deal with it. She already knew that Haruka lived around the same area as her, much to both her excitement and chagrin as her eyes flitted around constantly looking for her favorite idol whenever she went out. Although she’d never actually ran into her, she had managed to, with the sheer force of time, acclimate herself to the idea that she was walking the same ground as Haruka. Going to the same school was just a little step up from that. She could handle it.
What Minori hadn’t been prepared for was Haruka showing up to the rooftop during lunch, the place where she went if she wanted some time to herself or if she wanted to sneak some more dance practice in between classes. She certainly wasn’t prepared for Haruka to catch her in the act of dancing and spin it into a long and flustering conversation about her embarrassing hobby of copying Haruka’s dance routines and her even more embarrassing hobby of being a die-hard fan of hers. Nor was she prepared for Haruka to come into her class the next day, single her out, and ask her to eat lunch together, an offer that made her classmates turn towards her in shock and one that she hastily accepted, trying desperately to calm her heart and wipe the sweat away from her palms.
If her heart had been turning itself into knots just from that, though, then it must have stopped when Haruka had confessed her feelings to her.
The events of that day were a complete blur in Minori’s mind. She might have fainted when it happened; she thought it was likely, given the black spot after Haruka’s confession in the haze of her memory. She remembered Haruka, usually composed and charming like she was as an idol, looking surprisingly embarrassed. She remembered her heart going into overdrive, her brain filling with static, her body shaking. She remembered her mouth moving, saying something, although she couldn’t hear the sound of her own voice. No more than that.
Whatever had happened, though, the two of them were dating now. At least, Minori was pretty sure of it. If they weren’t dating, then she didn’t think she’d be getting walked home by Haruka at the moment, Haruka’s reasoning when Minori had balked at the offer being a muttered “well, now that we’re…you know,” along with a meaningful gesture of her hands.
It was completely unbelievable to her. Her, Minori, a relatively plain girl all things considered, was dating Kiritani Haruka, the perfect idol that she had been near-obsessed with for as long as she could remember. She hadn’t been able to focus on anything that day, the thought of it sending her mind reeling.
“Minori?”
Minori jumped. Haruka seemed to have taken notice, catching her in the act of spacing out. The sound of her given name on Haruka’s voice was still unfamiliar, and she felt that familiar panic begin to build up inside her again. She tried her best to push it down. “Y-yes?”
“It just seemed like you were spacing out a little.” Haruka smiled at her, a hint of friendly exasperation peeking through. She had caught Minori after all.
“Oh, I guess I was,” Minori replied, waving a hand and laughing it off, or at least trying her best to. No matter how hard she tried, she could never control her voice around Haruka, always being reduced to a mess of voice cracks and stutters.
It seemed to satisfy Haruka, though, and the two of them fell into silence, the only sound the clack of their school loafers against the road’s pavement. Minori couldn’t shake a feeling of awkwardness as they continued their walk. She stole a glance at Haruka, who had faced back forwards as they continued to walk, and wondered if she should say something.
They walked further down the street and turned a corner. Sweat was beginning to pool on Minori’s palms, and she quickly wiped her hands on her school skirt. Beside her, she watched Haruka look towards her, and she quickly turned her eyes onto the road before they could make eye contact.
She had to say something. She couldn’t take it anymore.
“You know-” Minori’s voice came out much louder than she had intended, and she cut herself off, pressing her lips shut. Haruka turned to her, a questioning look on her face, and she quickly realized that she hadn’t come up with the rest of what she was going to say.
She scrambled to think of something, landing on the first thing that came to mind. “It’s just, it’s kind of crazy.”
Haruka tilted her head. “What is?”
Mentally, Minori shook her head, the gears of her mind racing. “Well, like…I’m such a huge fan of you, Haruka-ch-” Her mouth snapped closed and she flushed, before remembering that Haruka had given her permission to call her whatever she wanted. She cleared her throat.
“I’ve been such a huge fan of you,” she repeated, “and now I get to walk home with you! I’m just- I’m having a hard time believing it, to be honest.” Minori laughed awkwardly, her own words beginning to settle in her head. With a start, she wondered if Haruka would think that she was weird for it, even though she’d admitted to being a Haruka fan in front of her multiple times.
Thankfully for her, Haruka smiled in response, a perfect idol smile that Minori had seen again and again in the videos she watched. She felt her heart skip a beat.
“I’m glad that I get to walk home with you, too,” Haruka said. Right. Minori reminded herself that they were, in fact, dating, and Haruka had been the one to offer to walk together. If her heart had skipped a beat before, it was surely making up for it with how fast it was beating now. Unsure what to say, she fell back into line with Haruka, the new silence that fell between them a little less awkward and a little more comfortable.
Still, Minori felt a little unease in her heart. Just before Haruka had smiled at her - she bit her lip at the memory of it - something had flashed across her face. Was it disappointment? Frustration? Something like that, although it was gone before Minori could have gotten a close look. She wondered if she had said something wrong.
She took another look at Haruka’s face. As far as Minori could tell, she looked placid, the corners of her lips slightly upturned as she stared ahead at the road.
She shook her head. She must have been seeing things.
Minori had spent a lot of time with Haruka over the past few weeks. Haruka had been offering to eat lunch with her nearly every day since Minori had accepted the first time, usually on the rooftop but sometimes at cafeteria tables or classroom desks. Minori’s classmates became acclimated to it the more times Haruka showed up at their doors, her own friends even shooing her towards Haruka; they knew what an opportunity it was for Minori to hang out with her idol.
Minori herself had a harder time with the idea that she could be friends with Haruka, of course. But over time, she had learned how to control the palpitations of her heart and relax her closed throat, even just a little bit. She couldn’t stop herself from freaking out, but she eventually learned to put up at least a facade of normalcy, pathetic as it was.
That had lasted until they started dating. After that, Minori’s paper-thin facade had crumpled, blown away like a leaf in the wind.
The idea that she could even trace the same footsteps as her favorite idol had taken Minori years to accept. The idea that she could be friends with her, Minori firmly believed, would take even longer. She shuddered to think of how long it would take before she could get used to dating her.
As she stood and stared through the cafe’s glass door, she thought the answer might be never.
Haruka had invited her for coffee and a light meal that day; it was a rarity for her to have free time between school and idol training, so Minori had jumped on the offer without a second thought. It had taken only a few seconds longer for the nerves to set in as she realized that it would be their first time meeting outside of school. Their first real date.
Minori felt her pulse quicken again as she turned the words over in her mind. The way she had felt the day she had met Haruka was one thing. She thought she’d known what nervousness felt like back then. It was nothing compared to what she was feeling now, she thought.
She sighed and pushed the door open. No turning back now.
It was a little before the lunch rush would start, so few tables were seated in the cafe. Minori saw Haruka before Haruka saw her, but it was only a moment before Haruka spotted her and waved her over. Hurriedly, Minori nodded and took a seat across from Haruka.
Haruka was wearing glasses; that was the first thing Minori noticed. She found that they only added to the idol’s appeal, harmonizing with the plain white t-shirt and denim jacket she wore to complete an effortlessly casual yet put-together look. Her mouth went dry as she glanced down at her own blouse and skirt, wondering if she had overdressed for the occasion.
“Good morning,” Haruka said, smiling lightly at Minori, who couldn’t muster up anything but a nod in response, head turned slightly down and away from Haruka; her glasses were making it hard for Minori to look directly at her. Not that she’d managed to do so even when Haruka hadn’t been wearing them, ever since the two of them had started dating.
“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” Minori stammered out after a moment of silence, internally cursing herself for the hoarseness of her voice.
Haruka laughed. “They don’t have lenses in them. It’s just a little disguise. Not that I get recognized so often that I really need it,” she added.
“Oh.” Minori thought for a moment, then shook her head. “Wouldn’t you be getting recognized all the time. though? After all, you’re…” The thought that she would have been repeating Haruka’s own name back to her made her feel a bit dumb, and she didn’t finish her thought.
Haruka shrugged, and it occurred to Minori that she might just have been being modest. She shut her mouth.
It had only lasted for a second, but Minori had noticed Haruka frown just a little at her comment. She wondered if something she had said had offended her, worry churning her insides.
“What will I be getting for you two today?”
Minori’s thought was interrupted by a waiter, a small pit of dread forming in her stomach as she realized that he had likely been standing there for at least a little bit and had probably overheard their conversation. She glanced worriedly at Haruka, who didn’t seem concerned, and then back at the waiter, who smiled politely at both of them. She exhaled in relief, but her breath stopped when she realized she hadn’t yet looked at the menu.
Thankfully, Haruka took the lead, turning the menu so both she and the waiter could read it. “I’ll have this sandwich,” she pointed at a menu item and waited for the waiter to write it down, “and a coffee. Black.”
“And for you?” The waiter turned to Minori.
“Um…” Her mind raced, trying to think of something. “I’ll have the same?”
It seemed to be good enough for the waiter, who left the table with their ticket after informing them their food would be ready in a short time.
“Sorry.” Haruka suddenly looked apologetic, and it was her who was averting her eyes this time. “I should have given you more time to look at the menu.”
Minori shook her head. “It’s okay! I’m not a picky eater, so it’ll be like a fun surprise! Or something like that.” She tried to laugh and ease the mood. “Besides, if Haruka-chan picked it, then it must be good, right?”
It was a bit of an awkward reply, Minori thought, but Haruka seemed comforted, at least, as she turned up to face Minori again. Minori tried her best not to look away, this time; she found that her previous nerves had faded a little, replaced with relief that she hadn’t made Haruka feel bad about anything. She managed to hold eye contact, and mentally encouraged herself to keep it up.
“But, Minori, can you really drink black coffee?” Haruka’s gentle smile took on a teasing nature.
Minori winced a little. “Maybe not.” She laughed awkwardly, scanning the table for sugar packets and breathing another internal sigh of relief after finding some. “I’ll manage, though.”
They made small talk until their food arrived. Minori found that, although her nervousness never quite subsided, she was able to hold the conversation and let traces of her normal demeanor peek through, to her relief. She even found it in herself to attempt a small joke, and felt a rush in her heart when Haruka laughed, a new grin on her face, one that Minori recognized as different from the idol smile she knew so well already. It made her feel a little strange, something stirring in her chest, but there were matching plates of sandwiches and chips set out in front of the two of them before she could ponder it further.
They ate in near-silence, focusing on enjoying their meals. Minori ended up dumping a full sugar packet into her coffee, to Haruka’s amusement and her chagrin. Despite that misstep on her part, she felt that the date was going well. Shockingly well. She wondered how she hadn’t messed anything up yet.
Minori was the first one to finish her sandwich - maybe being nervous worked up one’s appetite, she thought - but she still hadn’t eaten all of her chips. She decided she’d finish them after a drink of coffee, and grasped the handle of the mug with one hand. With only that thought in her mind, she didn’t see Haruka’s arm reach across the table, hand outstretched to take one of Minori’s chips, crossing right into the path of Minori’s arm.
It happened in an instant. Minori grabbed her mug, then their arms collided, and Minori lost her grip, splashing her coffee onto the sleeve of Haruka’s jacket, blue denim stained dark with brown.
She shouldn’t have tempted fate.
“H-Haruka-chan, are you okay?” Minori shouted, staring at the outcome of her own mistake with equal parts worry, dread, and fear as Haruka drew her arm back. “I’m so sorry! I’m really, really sorry!” She bowed her head.
“No, it’s okay.” Haruka sounded a little confused. “It was my fault anyways. I should have told you I wanted to take something from your plate.”
“But…” Minori kept her head bowed. The worry was starting to fade as she realized the liquid hadn’t been hot enough to hurt Haruka. Dread and fear slotted into its place.
“Seriously, it’s my fault. I deserved it, honestly.” Haruka waved her hand in a noncommittal gesture.
Subconsciously, Minori shook her head a little as she looked back up at Haruka. “But, I mean…” Haruka wasn’t wrong, she supposed. The accident wasn’t exactly Minori’s fault. But she still couldn’t shake the sense of guilt she felt. She pursed her lips as she tried to think of the right words to say, and drew a blank.
“...you’re Kiritani Haruka, though,” she finally decided on, although she felt a little dumb for saying so. “You’re an idol. And I’m just…me, and…I spilled on you.”
She stared at Haruka, her stomach turning as she watched Haruka’s face morph into an unreadable expression. Neither of them said anything. Seconds stretched into half a minute.
“Is that all I am to you?” Haruka’s voice was barely a whisper. If the cafe had been busier, Minori might not have even caught it. “Just an idol?”
Her words were a knife stabbed into Minori’s heart. She tried to say something, but she choked on the words, and nothing came out. No, she had to say something. She tried again, but before she could get anything out, she was interrupted by the scraping of Haruka’s chair against the cafe floor.
“I have practice later today.” Haruka smiled at Minori as she slung her bag over her shoulder. “I should get going. I had fun today.”
“Wait, you told me-” Minori raised her hand in protest, but Haruka was already out the door by the time she could get the words out. A chime jingled as it swung closed behind her.
That you didn’t have practice today , she thought, finishing the sentence in her mind. It was true. Haruka had explicitly told Minori that she didn’t have practice that day, forming it into an excuse for them to spend some time together.
Minori wanted to go after her. She wanted to shove her chair out from under her and sprint towards that door, run after Haruka and catch her before she lost her. But when she tried to imagine what she’d say to Haruka, her mind went empty. She willed her legs to move, to stand up, but she couldn’t muster up the energy. She could only sit there, frozen, the half-empty mug still in her hands, staring at the door as if it would suddenly open again and Haruka would come back to her.
She replayed the moment in her head again. Haruka had smiled at her. It was a perfect smile; an idol smile. It was the type of smile she’d seen Haruka make in dozens, probably hundreds of videos, and multiple more times in person. She loved that smile. Every time she’d seen it before, it had sent shockwaves of happiness through her heart.
This smile was different, she realized. It brought her no joy at all.
Minori hadn’t seen Haruka for days.
Given that she and Haruka were in different classes, it wasn’t unusual that they wouldn’t run into each other at school. Minori usually only saw Haruka when she would offer to eat lunch with her or walk home with her.
She’d taken things for granted, she realized. Haruka had always been the one who was approaching her; even though she was busy with idol activities, she was the one who took time out of her school day to meet her. She was the one who had organized their date, even though she surely must have been busy. Even with all of her responsibilities, she’d managed to be a better girlfriend than Minori. Minori hadn’t done anything at all.
The events of their date were already weighing on her heavily, but the thought of that was crushing. She spent the next few days afterwards moping around, lost in her own thoughts, her usually bright personality nowhere to be found. It worried her friends, Kohane and even Shiho offering her meager words of comfort and prodding her for details that she answered only with dismissive groans and short non-answers.
At night, she often found herself staring at the text conversations she had shared with Haruka. Neither of them had sent a message in the past few days, despite the lengths of idle conversation they’d shared since Haruka had wormed Minori’s number out of her. Without fail, Minori’s thumbs would hover over her phone keyboard, typing and deleting words and sentences of apologies, explanations, and questions. She never sent any of them, though. She found that she still couldn’t find the right words to say to Haruka.
After she’d gone through that song and dance for long enough that her brain had gone fuzzy and her eyelids were heavy, she’d sigh and flop back onto her bed, her phone discarded to her side. She couldn’t even bring herself to watch any ASRUN videos. It hurt too much to see Haruka, to see her perfect idol smile that had hurt her so much that day.
Maybe it was for the best, she thought one morning as she pulled her school uniform over her head, strands of bed-hair sticking out. Of course it wouldn’t have worked out. Haruka was an idol, after all. The perfect idol. And Minori was just Minori, a nobody who couldn’t even go on a single date without hurting her. She should just get over it. She took a deep breath, combed her hair back into place with her hands, and decided on it.
The day she made that resolution was the day Airi and Shizuku approached her.
Minori had taken to eating lunch in her classroom. She didn’t want to risk running into Haruka elsewhere, and it didn’t seem like she would come back to get her in the classroom anytime soon. At least if she ate with her friends, she could force herself to laugh along with them and make a facsimile of forgetting about Haruka.
Of course, in her classroom, Airi and Shizuku knew exactly where to find her.
“Hey! You!” Airi had slammed the classroom door open, drawing looks from Minori’s classmates as she pointed an outstretched finger straight at her, then twisted her hand to jerk a thumb towards the door. “Outside. Now.” Shizuku, a head taller behind her, shot Minori an apologetic look.
Minori recognized the two of them. They were both in the industry, the same as Haruka, although she wasn’t as familiar with either of them; she was only a die-hard ASRUN fan, after all. She felt her heart twist into knots as she realized that this probably had to do with Haruka, and her throat went dry as she realized that the anger in Airi’s eyes meant that she likely didn’t have a choice in the matter.
With a gulp, she pushed her chair out from the desk and joined them, lunch left behind.
The instant she left the classroom, she felt Airi grab her by the wrist, vice-grip half leading and half dragging her to a secluded area of the hallway. Shizuku trailed behind, weak protests and calls to slow down unheeded. When Airi stopped, they had ended up in a rarely traveled stairwell, no other students in sight.
“Momoi-senpai? Hinomori-senpai?” It would be best to address the two of them formally, Minori figured. “What’s going-”
Airi grabbed both of Minori’s shoulders, turning her towards her. “You’re an idiot.”
Minori winced. She knew that already.
“Why haven’t you made up with her yet?” Airi continued, cocking her head to the side as she waited for Minori’s answer. Minori’s mouth opened, closed, and opened again. She was drawing a blank.
After a few seconds of silence, Airi sighed, hanging her head.
“Look, Minori,” she said, “that’s your name, right? Anyways, Haruka’s told me what’s been going on between the two of you. So I’m here to knock some sense into you.”
Minori gulped. She hoped she didn’t mean it literally, although the look on Airi’s face told her that it could go either way. “I messed things up already,” she muttered. “I don’t think Haruka wants anything to do with me anymore. She’s an idol, after all. She could find someone better than me-”
Airi shook her, hard, and the end of Minori’s sentence was lost from the jarring shock. “This is exactly what I mean,” she spat. “You’re putting Haruka on way too much of a pedestal. Like she’s a god’s gift to this earth or something.” She gestured wildly at the air. “I bet you really think that, don’t you?”
Minori drew a slow breath in through her teeth. She opened her mouth to say something, but Airi didn’t give her the chance.
“Well, that’s your problem. You won’t just treat her, oh, I don’t know, normally?” She nearly shouted the last word. “And now Haruka thinks that’s all you think about her, nothing else. She thinks you’re dating her because you just couldn’t say no to your favorite idol, and not because you actually want to be with her.”
Minori couldn’t have responded even if she wanted to. Her head was spinning. Had that been what Haruka meant that day? Did Haruka really think that? She almost refused to believe it; it felt impossible to her that such an infallible idol like Haruka could feel that way towards Minori. But it made sense to her. It would explain those flickers of doubt she’d seen on Haruka’s face, always covered up before she could really see them. If it was true, then she had hurt Haruka. With every reminder she gave to Haruka of what she thought of her, she was hurting her. She had been hurting her. She was continuing to hurt her, even now.
“Haruka-chan cares about you a lot,” Shizuku added, her voice quiet and smooth compared to Airi’s, yet holding the same resolve. “She wants you to know the real her. I think that, more than anything, she’s scared that you won’t accept her for who she is off of the stage.” Airi nodded her agreement.
“So?” Airi gave Minori one final shake of her shoulders. “What are you waiting for? Go apologize to her already. Unless,” her expression darkened, “all that stuff I just said is actually true?”
“No!” Minori shouted, her eyes widening. She hadn’t thought before she said it, but her mind was beginning to right itself, memories of the past few weeks flying through her head. She remembered the conversations the two of them had shared on the rooftop, back when Minori had barely dared to call them friends and she had stuttered through small talk until they were both late to return to class. She remembered when Haruka had laughed, a deep yet floaty laugh that even now set her heart aflutter.
“No,” she repeated, voice shaky yet resolute with determination. “Of course that’s not true. I want to be with Haruka. For who she is.” The words fell haphazard out of her mouth, but she found that they rung true; all she wanted to do was run to Haruka, apologize and beg on her knees for forgiveness and hope and pray that Haruka would accept her, and she could be with the Haruka that she had caught glimpses of when they hung out on the rooftop and eaten lunch with at that cafe. The Haruka on the stage, on her screen was nothing compared to that.
Airi patted her on the back. “Then go. There’s still time left before lunch ends.”
Minori didn’t need to be told twice. She shot off at as full of a sprint as she could manage towards the 1-C classroom.
“Good luck, Minori-chan!” She heard Shizuku call out after her, but she didn’t respond. She had other things to focus on.
“Haruka-chan!”
Minori felt Class 1-C’s eyes collectively fall on her as she sprinted into the classroom, panting heavily. A small twinge of embarrassment passed through her, until her eyes centered on her target: the only one who wasn’t looking for her, who had turned her eyes towards the ground.
She ran towards Haruka and grabbed her hand with both of her own. Haruka looked up at her, uncertainty in her eyes - were there bags under them? Another pang of guilt twisted Minori’s heart as she realized that Airi and Shizuku had spoken the truth. She’d probably hurt Haruka. Haruka was probably just as hurt by everything that happened as she had been.
“I need to talk with you,” she said. “Please.”
Haruka didn’t say anything. Minori gripped her hand tighter. “Please,” she repeated, voice thick with desperation.
“...okay.” Haruka pressed her lips together, doubt still painting her face, but she didn’t resist as Minori lightly dragged her out of the classroom. If rumors hadn’t already reached Class 1-C, Minori was sure that she had just set them off. She didn’t care.
The two of them went up a flight of stairs, then another, and another. There was only one place this discussion could happen, Minori knew.
The rooftop was blissfully empty as Minori swung the door open, squinting a little at the bright sunlight.
“Minori,” she heard Haruka whisper as she shuffled in behind her. There was an unspoken question in her voice, laced with fear. If Airi and Shizuku were right, it meant that she had doubts. She was scared of what Minori had to say for her. The thought of it only spurred her on further.
“I’m sorry!” Minori shouted, pulling herself into a deep bow with Haruka’s hands still held in her own. “I’m so, so sorry!” The apologies flowed out of her mouth as she held down tight to the hand in hers, as if her feelings could be transmitted through it.
“Minori, wait-”
“I was wrong!” Minori continued on, her breathless apology stumbling through Haruka’s protest. She didn’t think she could stop it if she tried; her emotions, her feelings were pouring out. She shut her eyes tight, out of fear for Haruka’s reaction and to stop the tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes.
“This entire time,” she said, her previous volume lowering to a normal level, hoarse from the yelling she’d done. “I’ve just been starstruck. I’ve been so…all I could think about was the fact that you were next to me, Haruka-chan. That my favorite idol was standing next to me.”
Minori opened her eyes, and through the haze of wet tears, she could see a pained expression on Haruka’s face. “But I was wrong,” she quickly added. “I was wrong to keep thinking that! I never once thought about how that might affect you. How that might hurt you.” She trailed off at the end. The pain she had caused Haruka felt all too real when she was standing there in front of her.
“And I’ve just been so stupid,” Minori said. “The entire time we’ve known each other, I’ve just kept on hurting you and hurting you, all because I couldn’t get over myself. I’ve spent all this time obsessed with the idol I thought I knew, when the real thing was sitting right there, and I never even thought to take a look in front of me.”
She took a deep breath. “But I’m done with that, now. I want to get to know the real you, Haruka-chan. Not the idol. And, even though I’m this stupid, awful person and you’re so amazing, I want to stay with you, Haruka-chan. I-If you’ll have me.”
Minori faltered at the end as she looked up, blinking the tears away from her eyes and feeling them stream down her cheeks. She tried to look at Haruka’s face, but found that she couldn’t. What if Airi and Shizuku had been wrong? What if the apology she’d just poured her heart into meant nothing to Haruka? What if the damage she’d done was already beyond repair? She felt her hands begin to tremble against Haruka’s, doubt already creeping into her mind.
“Minori…” Haruka’s voice was as hoarse as hers had been, an unintelligible mix of emotion flooding her words. “Don’t say those things about yourself.” It wasn’t just Minori who was shaking, she realized. Haruka was, too.
“Do you know why I fell in love with you, Minori?”
Minori’s eyes slowly rose to meet Haruka’s. She shook her head.
“When I saw you dancing on the rooftop that day,” Haruka continued, “you looked so free, so bright.” Minori cringed a little at the memory. “It seemed like you were having so much fun, and…I thought that I wanted to get to know that bright person. And sure, it ended up that most of the time, you were just being…” she trailed off, but Minori nodded. They both knew what she was talking about.
“But there were these times when it felt like your real personality would peek through. And I just wanted to see more and more of that. More of the real you. And I wanted you to see the real me.”
Minori felt like she was floating. It wasn’t just her who wanted to know Haruka more and more, inside and out. Haruka felt the same way. She took a shaky breath.
“I was always worried,” Haruka said. “Worried that you didn’t feel the same way about me. Whenever you treated me like I was this special, perfect idol, I was worried that you were only with me because of that. And it all just came to a head, and I…” She brought her other hand onto Minori’s. “I shouldn’t have said that. That day at the cafe. I overreacted.”
Minori shook her head. “No, it was my fault. I should have realized.”
“It’s my fault, too. In a way.” Haruka sniffled. “I could never really be myself around you. I think I was scared that if you stopped thinking of me as an idol, you’d leave me.”
“I would never.” The certainty that Minori said it with surprised even her, but she found that there was no doubt left in her, not after Haruka’s admissions. “I love you for who you are, Haruka-chan. I know that now.”
Minori froze. The words she had just said repeated in her mind, and she felt her cheeks run hot as she realized what she had just said. It had begun to set in for Haruka, too, and the two of them stared at each other, unmoving, for a few long seconds, both of their jaws hanging open.
Then, Haruka snorted. Her head dropped into her hands as she burst into a fit of joyful laughter, thick with emotion as if she was laughing and crying at the same time. She probably was, Minori thought. She realized that she was doing the same.
Minori’s laughter was interrupted by a small grunt as Haruka pulled her into a deep embrace, nuzzling her face into the crook of Minori’s neck. The warmth of her breath tickled, but Minori found it hard to care when her entire body felt as if it was being carried on clouds, a deep warmth of relief and comfort and love mixed into one flowing through her until all she could think about was Haruka in her arms.
“I love you, Minori,” Haruka whispered into her neck. “Thank you.”
Minori had no idea how long they stayed in that embrace. When Haruka finally broke it and checked her phone, they found that they were late to class by a good fifteen minutes. Minori looked at Haruka, slightly worried, but Haruka shrugged it off.
It was the first time Minori had ever skipped a class. She wondered if her friends would worry about her. She wondered if she would miss some vital lesson from that day and be unable to keep up from then on.
She found that none of that mattered to her. Sitting on the rooftop with Haruka - with her girlfriend, she corrected herself - was worth it.
It was Minori who was waiting for Haruka this time.
They’d picked an aquarium as their date spot. Haruka had wrangled herself another day off, and had sent Minori a flurry of messages detailing the specific place and time. It was as if Minori never had a choice in the matter.
Not that Minori had any qualms about dropping everything to go out with Haruka, of course. Being with her girlfriend took priority. She couldn’t stop herself from breaking out into a grin at the thought of it, before realizing that she probably looked a little strange from a passerby’s point of view, smiling to herself at what appeared to be nothing at all. With a small clear of her throat and adjustment of her jacket, she adjusted her expression back into neutrality and returned to scanning the crowd, trying to pick out a blue bob cut from the sea of aquarium-goers.
The aquarium was extremely busy. Minori had noted when she arrived that the line for tickets had begun to stretch out from the building itself and around a street corner, a constant flow of people going in and out of the entrance. She was glad that Haruka had paid for their tickets in advance. At the time, she had balked at the idea of letting Haruka pay for her, but Haruka had insisted on it, and she was forced to relent in the end. Still, she supposed she was grateful that Haruka’s gesture had let them skip the line. She gave herself a mental reminder to get something for Haruka at the souvenir shop in return.
“Minori!”
Minori spotted the white-sleeved arm poking out from the crowd and raised her own in response. Soon, she could see Haruka emerging from the crowd, and she finally let her smile show on her face as Haruka approached the wall Minori had been leaning against.
She was dressed simply, in a white sweater and skirt. Minori felt a small surge of relief as she realized that her own outfit seemed to fit with the unspoken dress code, followed by a twinge of embarrassment as she realized that the white tones of her jacket and Haruka’s sweater were nearly matching.
“Haruka-chan! Good morning!” Minori hoped it was still morning. They’d agreed to meet at eleven, but she’d been too preoccupied to check the time. Either way, Haruka didn’t bat an eye returning her greeting, so she figured that it was okay.
“You’re not wearing glasses today?” Minori asked, tilting her head.
Haruka shrugged. “Like I said, it’s not like I really need to disguise myself that much. Besides…” she trailed off, and Minori tilted her head curiously.
“Besides what?”
“I wanted to look a little cuter today,” Haruka muttered, averting her gaze slightly.
“Eh?” Minori’s mouth opened a little in surprise. “You’re cute no matter what, though?”
Haruka nudged her in the side. “Right, right. A cute and perfect idol, I’m sure.” The elbow that had been jabbing Minori now linked around her arm. “Come on, let’s get going.”
“My cute and perfect girlfriend,” Minori quickly corrected her, flushing a little at her own response, but Haruka didn’t seem to take notice as she began stringing Minori along towards the entrance. Minori wondered if she had been too forward; she’d surprised even herself with how daring her comeback had been. Judging from the dusting of red she could see on Haruka’s ears from behind, though, she thought she might have hit the mark. She let herself believe that she had.
She never would have had the courage to say something like that before, she realized. She laughed quietly to herself. They wouldn’t have even been able to have a smooth conversation before, and Minori was sure that the feeling of Haruka’s arm wrapped around hers would have sent her mind into the stratosphere. Little by little, she was growing accustomed to the Haruka she knew as her girlfriend. The thought comforted her. She was sure Haruka would appreciate it, too.
The inside of the aquarium was beautiful, covered from floor to ceiling in glass walls and glimmering water that dyed the rooms blue. Minori marveled at the variety of fish they had on display, large, extravagant ones with spikes and stripes and shining scales, and smaller ones, dull browns and grays that blended with the rocks and outcroppings that lined the floors of the tanks. She understood why this aquarium was so popular, now. It certainly had plenty to offer.
Haruka didn’t seem to care about any of it, though, continuing to pull Minori along through it all at a pace that was beginning to tire her out.. “Haruka-chan,” Minori said through short breaths, “hang on! Where are you going?”
Haruka froze in place, and Minori skidded to a halt behind her, nearly bumping into her back.
“Haruka-chan?” Minori looked over Haruka’s shoulder, trying to get a peek at her expression. She seemed…uncertain? Even a little guilty, as if she had just done something wrong and been caught for it. Minori walked to face her, brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?”
Haruka took a deep breath, like she was preparing herself for something. “Minori,” she said, looking at her with a stoic expression on her face. “If you still have any thoughts about me being perfect, or anything like that…” She took another deep breath. “I think they’ll be gone after today.”
Minori tilted her head. “Haruka-chan, what are you talking about?” In truth, she was having a little bit of difficulty with the switch of her own mindset. Old habits died hard, and she couldn’t quite erase the years she’d spent watching Haruka in awe through the screen of her phone or the display of a stage. She wondered if Haruka had noticed her misgivings, a small bead of anxiety forming in her chest at the thought that Haruka might be disappointed with her.
“The penguin encounter will begin shortly.” A deep, booming voice echoed through the room, tinny and scratchy through the intercom. Haruka’s head shot up, and before Minori could coalesce her thoughts, she was being dragged along even faster than before, having to jog awkwardly to keep up.
“Seriously, Haruka-chan, hang on a se-” Minori was interrupted by her own cry of surprise as Haruka ground to a halt, the whiplash nearly causing Minori to fall over. As she regained her bearings, she realized that they were in a large showroom, where a large glass wall separated the crowd of viewers from a makeshift Antarctic environment, bright blue water lapping up against shores of ice.
In a neat line, a penguin emerged into sight from somewhere in the back, followed by another and another.
Minori heard a loud gasp beside her, and slowly, she began to form an inkling of what Haruka had meant.
As the penguin show went on, Minori watched in equal parts surprise and amusement as Haruka pressed herself against the glass, a blissful expression on her face, eyes shining wide open as if she’d miss it if she blinked. She watched Haruka’s gaze trail on one penguin, then another, darting between the line of them as each showed their separate charms.
Haruka clapped, applause ringing against that of the rest of the crowd, as a few of the penguins made graceful dives into the water, gliding under its surface. She gasped again as one of them ate a fish, thrown to it by one of the attendants. One penguin bumped into another awkwardly, sending it staggering, and Minori thought she heard Haruka sob a little.
For a moment, Minori remembered the Haruka she’d seen on variety shows, or videos, or addressing the audience with bright stage lights trained onto her. She’d always seemed so composed, so mature. Minori had admired her calm, adult-like demeanor that seemed to come to her almost effortlessly. It was the personality she’d held in such high regard before she had actually met Haruka.
The Haruka that she was watching now seemed like a completely different person. She was joyful, almost child-like in her wonder. Minori felt the image she’d held of Haruka in her mind shatter like a thin pane of glass.
A usual idol fan might be heartbroken at the notion that their favorite idol had sides to them that they never showed on screen, she thought. They might even grow a distaste for them, moving on to others out of spite. Minori had seen it happen.
That was nothing like what seeing this side of Haruka was doing to Minori, though. As she looked at Haruka, Minori felt her own chest growing tight with warmth, burning hotter and hotter until she felt like her insides would combust. She swallowed a lump in her throat and bit back her growing smile to no avail. Haruka was taking a leap by doing this, she realized. She was baring herself towards Minori in a way that she never could as an idol, in a way that she likely had only done to a few others. The thought only made her happier.
She loved Haruka’s usual cool composure. She always had, even when her love had only gone to the extent of an adoring fan and not an adoring girlfriend. But she loved this side of Haruka, too, she realized.
She briefly wondered when her love for Haruka had morphed into something romantic. There was no doubt in her mind that it was that, now, and there hadn’t been when she had laid bare her own feelings on the rooftop that day. But the line was fuzzy, and she couldn’t quite figure out where one had started and the other ended.
She decided that it wasn’t important. Either way, she loved Haruka. She loved everything about Haruka. The thought that she could be Haruka’s girlfriend sent her into a fit of joy. That was enough for her.
She bought Haruka a penguin plushie from the souvenir shop later that day. The price had hurt a little, but Haruka’s expression once she saw it melted that away into nothing.