Chapter Text
Eddie could have recognized that hair from miles away, but the confusion at being so close to Steve Harrington, king of Hawkins High, threw him off enough to not know how to react.
The last thing he expected out of that day was to be pinning Steve against a wall, a bottle to his throat, and the man writhing in fear.
No, he’d expected the cops to be there, or even worse, someone who would go to any lengths to put him in a grave, more so one that was dug by them than an official.
He’d never in a million years have thought Steve would even know who he was other than someone his friends could make fun of or someone he spoke to a few times during class. Yet here the man was, actively searching for him — It didn’t matter that he was there against his will, dragged along by an insistent Dustin because Steve knew who he was.
Etched in his mind were all the times he’d ever looked at or thought about Steve. They were like all the initials carved into the side of skull rock, waiting in the back of his mind until they wandered to the front and stuck there for far longer than they needed to.
The first time Eddie had laid eyes on Steve, he couldn’t help but think, What a fucking douche.
Which was true, he found out. Steve was the asshole of the century, encouraging his friends to bully and taunt the people lesser-off than them, hiding behind his parent’s reputation and money.
Eddie couldn’t even imagine having that much ignorance at that age. It was unbelievable.
Despite being one of the little Golden Boy’s group’s favorite people to pick on, he couldn’t help but think about how much he wished to be Steve. He was arguably attractive and cared a lot about his appearance.
Against what people might’ve believed, Eddie could tell it was out of the insecurity of his looks more than arrogance. That was a place he had been in before, so he could tell when someone else was, too.
Steve was loved by everyone for a reason unbeknownst to Eddie. Whether it was his parent’s status, wealth, or charm, he had admirers and a gaggle of ladies that giggled every time he passed. From what Eddie could tell, he was never interested in them and assumed that Steve was more the type that looked for his “one true love” or whatever. It was all high school bullshit, anyway. Leading on from that, though, Steve was a boy who liked girls. He was normal. Eddie could only dream of what it was like to be like that, to have been born right, and to love the right people. He’d tried to brainwash himself into that kind of mindset before.
Eddie dressed overly femininely and sexualized himself to no end. Yes, he may have gotten into some relationships with men then, but it made him feel physically ill that he was doing it under the guise of being a girl instead of himself.
He fucking hated Steve for that.
He hated that Steve Harrington could walk around the halls, not feeling like he wanted to rip himself out of his skin.
Steve Harrington could enter a classroom and flash a smile, and everyone would admire him, and girls would swoon in their places. Eddie would have been laughed at if he ever did that because Steve Harrington was normal, while Eddie Munson was not. He would never be Steve.
Of course, though, Eddie couldn’t just be natural about something. He couldn’t just ignore Steve and live in a world where he didn’t so dearly wish he was the other.
Instead, Eddie became fixated on the guy, stealing glances at him from across the cafeteria. Some days, he had hoped a few times Steve would look back at him and smile how he did at all the girls that stared at him, hoping that he would be an exception to his bullying because Eddie was an admirer too, so he should be treated the same.
It would never happen.
Steve was Steve, and Eddie was Eddie. They’d probably never even get to talk by the time Eddie left school. While that was a good thing, in the back of his mind, he knew that if Steve would ever speak to him, it would probably be to mock him, just like his friends did while he stood on the sidelines and watched.
That was something he’d always done. Steve Harrington was a watcher, and Eddie knew this because he was, too.
Eddie would see when Steve’s friend, Tommy, pushed someone into the front of a locker and then would turn to Steve, snickering as if it was an enormous achievement that should impress Steve. Every time, though, Steve would just look at him and nod — he sometimes even looked disappointed, but Eddie thought that was his imagination. He wasn't always the best at reading people.
At one point, Eddie had even convinced himself that Steve maybe wasn’t that bad of a guy, that perhaps he was just misunderstood, and it was all his snobby friend’s fault — it’s not like Steve could choose who his parents were, or his social status, or who he liked and who liked him back. In the back of his mind, he knew he was wrong. There was always a tiny voice reminding him that Steve was Steve, which meant he couldn’t be a good person.
Even though he wasn’t a good guy, Eddie couldn’t help looking at him and thinking how he wished he’d have Steve’s face, Steve’s nose, Steve’s hair, or Steve’s stature. Steve was the perfect type of guy without some of his arrogance, and the thought made Eddie sick.
Gareth had caught him staring at Steve once and had gone on a complete ramble about how awful of a person he was and how he’d do anything to get rid of the guy from the school. He must’ve assumed Eddie was looking at him out of hatred.
The thing was, though, Eddie was staring because Steve was sitting alone on the corner of some random table. The chairs beside him were empty, and Steve stared at the table. His face looked a little bashed up.
At first, Eddie had thought that maybe his friends were outside in the rain, and Steve might’ve just not wanted to get his hair wet, and without his group, he didn’t want to take an entire table to himself. However, he was proven wrong after one swoop of the hall showed him they were all sitting elsewhere, laughing loudly and obnoxiously, with Tommy throwing the occasional glare at Steve’s back.
Eddie had tuned out Gareth’s rambling because even if a lot of it was true and the younger had a very fair point, Eddie wanted to be Steve Harrington, and if Eddie was Steve, then his friends would hate him.
Maybe that meant Eddie wanted to be Steve, without the doucheness and everything that made Steve bad.
Eddie settled with that answer.
Then, Eddie didn’t graduate like he’d hoped that year.
Which meant he now had classes with Steve Harrington.
At first, when he realized this, Eddie thought this might have been one of the worst things ever. He thought about it over, and over, and over.
He proved himself wrong almost immediately, though, because Steve wasn’t the obnoxious bully everyone thought he was — he was just as much of a loser as Eddie. In the nicest way possible.
Their seats were together because no one wanted to sit next to the freak at the back. Who knows, he could cause trouble and be weird at any moment. Everyone only knew him as the schools weirdo, the failure that couldn't even graduate.
Everyone except for Steve Harrington, apparently.
The seat beside Eddie was the only one that wasn’t taken in the back row, and Steve must’ve wanted to sit as far from the front as possible because as soon as he entered the classroom, his eyes darkened as he spotted the seat before walking over.
Eddie had expected an insult at the very least, but as Steve sat down, he nodded towards Eddie without even turning from the teacher, and there was nothing more.
He believed he’d seriously misjudged Steve from there on out.
Steve wasn’t the Golden Boy, good at everything, attractive douche that Eddie had thought, because Steve was dyslexic and he wrote some of his words completely wrong.
Steve always forgot a pencil and instantly became awkward when turning to Eddie to ask if he had a spare. (It ended up happening so often that Eddie bought Steve a pack of pencils, that he pushed over with a small note that jokingly threatened Steve to keep them in his bag at all times. And, yeah, Eddie may have secretly found Steve endearing despite everything, but obviously wouldn’t admit that. Next time they had a lesson togther, Steve pushed over some change in the amount of money Eddie had spent on the pencils. Eddie tried not to smile). He had an awful posture that had him bend over his desk in an incredibly uncomfortable-looking position, and he was quiet, even when he was asked to read something out loud.
If anyone had told Eddie years ago that this was what Steve Harrington would be like, he would have called them a liar. But now he’d seen this side of Steve firsthand, and it was still completely unbelievable.
Eddie would never have admitted that during that year, he’d struggled to distinguish whether he wanted to be Steve or whether he wanted to be with him.
He hated when he thought that way, immediately pushing the thought down whenever Eddie sat beside him, barely acknowledging his existence. He refused to have a crush on Steve, it was so wrong.
It was like that for the rest of the year; Eddie would already be in the class, Steve would come in one minute before he needed to, every day, he’d sit beside Eddie, and depending on his mood he’d give a small nod or he’d completely ignore him (he always hoped it was the former but he honestly didn’t want to get on the wrong side of Steve when he seemed upset), Eddie would write on a little note anything that Steve had misspelled, sliding the note over without the two looking at each other (Eddie assumed Steve never wanted to be seen talking to him, especially about something so embarrassing and believed he was doing him a favor), Steve would write a little thanks in the corner of the same note and then they wouldn’t acknowledge each other for the rest of the lesson (more so Eddie would stare at the side of Steve’s face, taking in how despite being so soft he just seemed so masculine and how he so very much wished that he could have the looks Steve did because he was so pretty for a boy and Eddie knew he could never be like that).
Outside of class, they never spoke.
Eddie would see Steve and a girl he recognized from Band, Robin, along with Steve’s ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend sitting at a table together, chatting away. Just from one look alone, he could tell that Steve was happier with those friends than he ever had been with his old ones.
(At one moment, Robin had looked over to him while he was staring at Steve and his head shot away so fast it cracked and his friends looked at him like he was insane. Out of the corner of his eye, he’d seen Robin say something to Steve, to which he laughed. He couldn’t help but think that they were laughing at him. He hadn’t corrected Steve’s spelling mistakes for the rest of the week.)
Then Steve graduated and Eddie didn’t and Eddie would’ve been so disappointed in this had it not been for Dustin Henderson, who joined his DnD club the second he walked through the school doors.
Dustin did not shut up about Steve Harrington and honestly? Eddie thought that some sacred deity had looked into his soul and thought he’d had enough mishaps in his life. He finally deserved something good.
He never revealed to Dustin that he knew Steve, and by the sounds of it, Steve never had said he’d sort of known Eddie either. It honestly felt better that way, because it meant that Steve probably forgot about him and that also meant he could forget about Steve and the feelings that came with thinking about or being near Steve.
Then Chrissy happened.
It took two days before Dustin found him, two days before he met Steve all over again, and two days before he realized what all those feelings towards Steve were.
Dustin was talking to him.
“Eddie! This is Steve, my friend,” He exclaimed, a clear edge in his voice, fear that Eddie might stab his friend with a smashed bottle. “Y’know, Steve? And — and Robin, from Band. And Max! The one who never wants to play DnD!”
And Eddie wanted to be sick because here he was, staring at Steve, who was staring right back at him with a look that said it all. It told Eddie that Steve remembered everything about him he’d ever learned. Eddie just wished they could've met again under different circumstances, not that this was the worst it could have gone.
“We’re on your side…”
As it so happened, they were very much on his side. They had information on why all of this was happening to him, why Hawkins was becoming an absolute shithole, and why Steve had changed so much.
It was funny that after everything he’d just learned; he thought back to Steve and that after all this time, Eddie still looked at Steve’s face and his slightly crooked nose and his pretty hair and his broad shoulders and his hands and wished that he could look just like him, (or that those eyes would look at him like he was more than a freak or someone that needed to be helped. That would never be the case, of course, but he could dream).
Then the Upside-Down happened.
Seeing Steve shirtless made Eddie want to be sick because somehow, even after being chewed to all hell by those bats, he still looked perfect.
Steve Harrington could walk around shirtless without being questioned and he could feel like a man, whereas Eddie couldn’t, no matter what he did.
Not only that, but he was attractive. Like, every line of his torso was defined and flexed when he moved, even with the bit of fat his body held. It all just looked so… perfect.
Then he was hit with the reality of his thoughts when the tension between Steve and Nancy all became too much for Eddie. Something was happening between them, despite their breakup years before, and the whole thing made Eddie’s stomach churn.
While they were walking through the woods in the Upside Down, it finally hit Eddie and he completely stopped in his tracks. All these years of thinking that the feeling he had was something common, an emotion he had after looking at someone he liked or something (even though that was false because he never got the feeling whenever he looked at his other friends, but he didn’t want to accept the truth that came with that initially) but after noticing that he felt it while admiring and thinking about Steve, while also seeing the happenings of Steve and Nancy, he realized it was jealousy.
He was jealous.
Jealous that Steve could date whoever he wanted because he was a boy and they were girls while Eddie liked boys, jealous that Steve had the body that he wanted because he was born right and Eddie was born wrong, and jealous that Steve would look at Nancy like she had put the stars in the sky while he wished it was him he was looking at because somewhere deep in his heart, Eddie might have believed he deserved that.
“Eddie?” Steve questioned, catching up to him, which wasn’t very hard, as Eddie was frozen in place. “Hey, you alright?”
He nodded, not thinking he could talk right now. Steve motioned for them to keep walking and so they both did, setting off side by side.
They were in silence for a good part of the walk, Eddie listening to the crunching of dead leaves beneath their feet and the sound of the girls chatting in front of them.
It didn’t last long before Steve piped up again. “I feel kind of shit that I never learned your name.”
Eddie frowned. “What do you mean? I’m pretty sure you know my name. You just said it.”
Shaking his head, Steve rephrased what he was trying to say. “During high school. You know, we sat next to each other?” Eddie nodded, because how could he forget? “Yeah, I never actually… knew your name. Your full one, at least. Thanks for your help, by the way. I’m about eighty percent sure it’s the only reason I passed that class and graduated. Oh, and I’m sorry you didn’t. I would’ve felt awful.”
If it wasn’t for that final comment (even if it didn’t seem at all spoken with a harsh tone, or even the least bit mocking), Eddie would focus on the fact that Steve remembered him from the class they shared, “Yeah, well you’re Hawkins golden boy, Steve Harrington, I’m sure your dad could’ve paid the school off to let you pass or something,” Eddie had shot back, and he hadn’t meant for it to be so harsh, it had meant to be a joke but of course, he messed that up. He didn’t even realize it until Steve’s face dropped and he looked away. “Sorry — I guess I’m just… I don’t know. Annoyed? I tried so hard that year and it seemed like you tried the same amount as me, but I was held back again.”
Steve shook his head. “I get it, shouldn’t have brought it up,” though he still seemed very distant.
There was a beat of silence where Eddie wracked his brain completely about what to say and it wasn’t long before his mind wandered to his feelings about Steve, how even after everything, he seemed magnetized to the guy. It didn’t help that Steve seemed fucking decent now; he wasn’t only an attractive guy that Eddie liked no matter how much of a dick, or straight, they were because now he was hot and nice and he cared for people he barely knew and he wasn’t afraid to run into battle with flesh-eating alternate reality bats just to protect a bunch of freaks.
The only problem was that he’d always be straight.
Eddie sighed. “I guess I was just jealous, Steve.”
“Jealous? You, Eddie Munson, listener of the world’s shittiest music genre and master of the stupid geek club that Dustin never shuts up about, are jealous of me?” And honestly? Eddie was a little flattered that Steve thought he was good enough to not be jealous of him, and also that Dustin talks about him.
However, he scoffed, masking the feeling boiling in his chest, far different from the one before, as Steve looked him right in the eyes. “Have you ever listened to metal because your judgment is so far off, dude?”
The silence Steve gave was all Eddie needed.
“Don’t judge it ‘till you try it.”
“It’s really not my style,” Steve tried to add in, but Eddie ignored him.
“Also, what makes you think I wouldn’t be jealous of you? You are THE Steve Harrington, man, and I’m just some freak everyone could use to practice their insults on,” He made extra exaggeration just to emphasize that some of that was partly Steve’s fault, “And, Christ, did I used to hate you so fucking much. I would see you in the halls and would feel physically repulsed because you just reminded me that there were people in the world that would always have something bad to say about people like me, even outside of school. Then you started getting better, you started hanging around without those awful people and with nicer people and I couldn’t help but look at you and wish that maybe I could’ve sat at that table if I was just normal for once in my Goddamn life, even if I knew it was far-fetched. I’d stare at you every single day and just wish that I was you because you’re everything I want to be in my life. You’re — amazing.”
He knew he was rambling, but the look on Steve’s face looked so sincere and listening that he couldn’t help but continue. “You are perfect, and for some stupid fucking reason, that just enticed me to you. I wanted every single day to wake up and think that my life might have changed and I might finally be like Steve Harrington but I also knew every time I had that thought I’d never be like that ever because Steve’s normal and I’m just some fucking guy that’d he’d probably not even spare a glance at in any normal situation. But, fuck, man, he’s just some guy that all the girls love and I wish I could’ve been normal like that but just thinking about that makes me repulsed because it just isn’t me, even if I am a fucking freak.” He hadn’t even realized he was talking about Steve as if he was talking to someone else.
Steve stayed silent for a moment, probably thinking about how he would get out of this conversation and never talk to Eddie ever again. Eddie turned away, curling in on himself.
“Can I ask before I say what I want to?” His tone almost sounded hopeful. Eddie didn’t even know what could make him seem like that at the moment. “What did you mean by the last part? Being repulsed about the guys and girl’s thing?”
Eddie almost choked on a breath and shook his head. “Just that I’m not used to stuff like that. Women don’t particularly fall to their knees in front of me and beg for themselves to be mine,” he said, trying to sound as calm as possible.
Something in Steve’s eyes dampened at that response. “Oh,” he said before immediately breaking into a smile that comforted Eddie more than it should have, especially because it was aimed at him. “But honestly? My life really isn’t all that great. I know above the surface it seemed amazing, but under it? I was being harassed by my old friends and girls that I knew I’d never like. I’m seen as some popular, rich kid that has no feelings because he’s got the money to pay his sad feelings away, but I’m really nothing like that. I’ve been dealing with all this shit,” He motioned around them, at the atmosphere and the fog surrounding them in the trees, “For four years now. I have been to hell and further multiple times, and I’m still not really sure I’ve come back from it. No one usually cares enough to ask about my feelings because guys like me don’t get to feel this way because of our family line, but you?”
He turned to Eddie, who looked back patiently, they were both trying to hold their tears in. That much was clear. “Eddie, you are so confident. You might not realize but I’ve seen you be pushed down, and you just get back up, head held high and you don’t give up — you persevere and I really admire that about you. I may not know much and it’s probably shitty of me to pretend I do after everything that’s ever happened, but honestly, dude? You are yourself. You don’t let people change you because of how they want you; you just ignore them and continue being yourself and God. Do I wish I had that sort of strength in me because, honestly? I think I’m just going to be this shell full of personalities that other people — my parents and old friends — have made me into, and it’s fucking awful. I really think you have nothing to worry about because you’re yourself, and that’s the best thing I think anyone could ever ask for.”
Eddie was stunned into silence.
Not only had that been more than he’d expected, Steve was so open with him (someone he barely knew, and had not known his name until recently), not only, but they certainly had some problems in common.
“Oh.”
Steve shook his head. “Sorry, that was probably a lot more than you wanted. I got carried away.”
“No! No, that’s not it,” Eddie soon cut his thought of, because he’d never disregard when someone had just told him all their problems, especially when it was to say that he wasn’t alone, “I just… feel like a dick. All this time, I just thought you were some asshole.”
And Eddie ignored it when Steve muttered, “Which I was.”
“When in reality you were going through problems and of course there are things I go through that you never will, and it’s not like that’s our fault,” He continued, hoping he was not giving anything away. He’d done so well hiding who he was until now, and he wouldn’t accidentally let it slip. “I dunno… I guess I wished we could’ve talked sooner. Like friends.”
Silence followed Eddie’s words as they continued walking through the abundance of trees, speeding up slightly after noticing how far ahead the girls were compared to them.
At some point, Nancy had come up in the conversation by Eddie rather than Steve.
Eddie couldn’t help but notice that Steve wasn’t really as focused on the topic as he would’ve expected and as he spoke, the other’s mind seemed to wander to a completely different place as Eddie realized he had no genuine interest in the conversation. Eddie stopped talking.
The kids had gotten them out of the Upside Down by some unknown miracle. Of course, they’d known there would be another portal. They’re the smartest kids around apparently, and now Eddie had witnessed that first hand. He was so glad for those little twerps being in their lives.
And then Nancy had been sucked into some memory shit by Vecna.
Eddie might’ve been shaking the entire time she explained what had happened. He might’ve been trying so fucking hard to not have a panic attack right there on Max’s couch because he was in front of the kids and he couldn’t be seen as a fool, or weak in front of them. He was the oldest there, and he had to act like it. He wouldn’t admit to anyone that he was so fucking scared that they all might die within the next week.
Yeah, and he might have calmed down significantly when he noticed Steve look over and then even more when Steve shuffled ever so slightly closer, knocking their knees together gently. He wouldn’t have told anyone about that because if he had, he was sure he’d be sick on the spot.
This entire thing made him sick.
Sick that these kids had to deal with this for years all while Eddie sat clueless like the rest of the town, sick that he had been calling Steve all these names in his head through the whole of high school when he was going through shit like this, sick that even though they were both going through it now, he dared to be feeling things towards Steve.
He didn’t have the time to be jealous of Steve’s looks, or Steve’s popularity, or Steve’s gender, or Steve’s sexuality because right now they were trying not to get fucking killed and if they did all die, then none of that would matter.
It was so fucking selfish of him.
They devised a plan — well, more like Eddie devised a plan, and honestly, he couldn’t help but feel so proud of himself when everyone in the group agreed that while it was probably illegal and totally could get them into deep shit, it was a great plan. He almost flushed at the whole thing as Steve leaned over his shoulder while he explained and was taking every word in.
Maybe Eddie’s voice had wavered slightly when he had felt Steve push closer to his back.
Then the plan went perfectly.
Eddie’s hands were practically shaking as they hot-wired like he was on auto-drive. Steve was behind him, watching, and of course, Eddie ended up telling him more personal shit. Now Steve knew about his parents.
“Harrington’s got her. Dontcha, big boy?” The look on Robin’s face after he said that was certainly almost enough to make him curl in on himself, but as he paid more attention back to Steve, spluttering on his breath, he saw Robin smiling before the RV roared into life and they all jumped, getting into the nearest seats to them.
Then, they were driving along the road.
Nancy was sitting in the front beside Steve. The sight would’ve made his heart ache had it not been for the fact Steve’s face was firmly on the road. Nancy was awkwardly fiddling with her hands in her lap after a conversation they had just shared in hushed tones and from what Eddie had seen in Nancy’s body language, a lot of confusion.
Eddie could tell. He observed.
He wished he could have heard the conversation, though, as awful as it sounded.
It seemed the silence became a little too much for Nancy though because she sprung up in her seat and made her way to the back.
She looked around awkwardly before realizing there wasn’t anywhere to sit back there, as all the kids were asleep and sprawled along various seats, and went to make her way back before Eddie stood from his little place on the floor, behind the driver’s seat, “Hey, Nance.”
“Oh, thank you,” She nodded at him, a lot more judging than he had expected her to be, (or maybe he was just overthinking it, maybe the conversation with Steve she’d had put her in a bad mood) before she sat where he had been. He sat in the front, in the seat beside Steve.
He continued focusing on the road as they traveled down the back roads of Hawkins. It would probably have been stupid for Eddie to be in the front, but pulling the little curtain at the side down slightly and leaning into the corner of the seat (which was a strangely relaxing position), he was sure to not be seen.
After a few moments of Eddie playing nervously with his hair and looking over at Steve, the man driving turned to him with a smile and Eddie felt himself quickly turn away.
Steve laughed. “How are you hanging?”
All Eddie could do was shrug. His mind was so jumbled that he was surprised he hadn’t combusted into a mess of emotions and sobbing. He reminded himself that was because he was trying his best to stay strong for the kids.
“I don’t know,” He muttered, turning to look out of the side window through the tiny gap in the curtain. It was all trees. What was it with him, Steve, and trees?
Turning back to the road and nodding, Steve replied, “I’m sure you’ll be fine in the end, Eds. We all are, most of the time.”
‘Most of the time’ in that sentence set alarm bells off in Eddie’s head, but he pushed it away as he focused on the other thing. “Eds?”
Steve flushed. “That — slipped out accidentally. Sorry, I’ll use your full name.”
Shaking his head, Eddie turned to his lap with a smile. “No… no, it’s fine. I like it. People never usually give me nicknames.” Jesus Christ, he was smitten.
As they continued down the road, Eddie caught his mind wandering to their earlier conversation about Nancy in the woods and hummed in thought.
“What?” Steve asked.
Eddie turned to him, “I was just thinking…“ He paused for a second before turning back to his lap to lull over what he wanted to say, “You didn’t seem very interested in our conversation about Nance earlier, and honestly? Thought you were into her, man. Assuming you aren’t, have you got anyone special?” He sounded like an idiot trying to make this small talk he knew, but continued anyway.
“Funny you ask that,” Steve laughed, though it seemed like it was to himself than anything else. He glanced over to Eddie for split second, he would have missed it had he not already been looking. “There’s someone… they’re different to anyone I’ve ever liked before, though. I don’t think I’m their type. I should probably shut the whole thing down before it gets worse, but I can’t help it. Everything they do just piles onto the list of reasons I’m interested in them. They’re so fascinating.”
There was a pause where Eddie tried his best to not let out a small exhale. “How are you so sure they don’t like you back? Have they told you?” It was weird to him that Steve hadn’t said ‘she.’ That was the thing he would have done when telling his friends about someone he had a crush on before he came out, to not let slip they were always boys. He was most likely overthinking it, though maybe that was just how Steve usually spoke. It’s not like they’d talked enough for him to know otherwise. Steve didn’t like boys, anyway.
He laughed. “They don’t have to. What about you then? You got someone?”
“Uh–” Eddie’s throat felt like it was closing up. He could just say no and let the topic go, but then again, he was a shit liar with things like this. He sighed, turning to look out the side window again. Still trees. “Yeah.”
Steve hummed, “Yeah?”
Nodding, he laid his head against the glass. “They–” He thought for a second. If they were all going to die, or whatever, in a few days, he might as well speak unfiltered. Steve had more problems than Eddie liking boys. “He’s always been quite special to me.”
A moment of silence passed before Steve spoke again. “I was hoping for more details than that, dude. What’s he like?”
Eddie could feel himself shaking. He wanted to be sick. Steve wasn’t the worst person to exist, as Eddie had always treated him. He felt fucking awful.
“He…” He paused for a second to let himself breathe.
Steve reached over the seat to lay a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before returning it to the wheel.
'He's you!' Eddie wanted to scream but he knew he couldn't. Not now, not ever.
He felt like he was going to cry. “He’s fucking amazing, in a way. I never thought I’d ever say that about him, but really. He’s so kind to everyone and also sort of dorky, but if I ever told him that, he’d probably hit me in the face or something. And he puts himself before anyone else, and I honestly wish he’d open up to me so I could open up to him because there’s so much I want to tell him. But I know he’ll either hate me, or it’ll scare him off. I wish I could tell him how scared I am to be around him to the point it makes me want to throw up, and I wish I could just tell him how much I admire him. I know nothing will ever happen between us. We’re in fucking Hawkins, for God’s sake.” He turned to look at Steve, rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t cry in front of Steve. Not now.
It was clear Steve could tell Eddie wanted to say more, so he nodded, as if he was giving permission, or maybe it was encouragement. Eddie wasn’t even sure about Steve anymore; his whole judgment of the other was completely skewed. He wished he could just sit down and analyze the guy.
“Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was a girl, I’d have a chance.” 'If I was normal.'
That left the two in silence, Eddie too sick to say anything in fear he might blurt his entire life story out, and Steve probably too stunned to say anything. It wasn’t like he could say anything because he wouldn’t understand. No one in this God-forsaken town would ever understand what it was like to be Eddie Munson, and yeah, that was a good thing for them, but him? It was probably worse than going to Hell. Nothing could be worse than that.
They stayed silent for the vast majority of the rest of the ride, with the occasional small talk that trailed off, eventually. The silence was calming, though, and Eddie was thankful. It meant he could think. He needed to think.
“You should get in the back,” Steve piped up, looking in the back before gazing at Eddie, and then turning back to the road.
The other nodded, sitting for one more second before standing, wandering into the back.
Now, the only people left awake were Dustin and Robin (who had both previously fallen asleep at one point), and they sat at the little table, chatting. With them being awake came the fact Dustin was no longer sprawled across the seat, which meant Eddie could slide in next to him.
“Hi!” Dustin exclaimed with a grin.
Eddie nodded back, “Hey,” He said before laying his arms down on the table and leaning forwards onto them.
At that moment, Dustin stood on the chair, squeezing past Eddie’s back to hop out of the seat. Eddie only groaned in response.
“What are you doing, dingus?” Robin laughed.
“Waking the others up. I think Eddie might’ve just died on top of the table,” Dustin joked back before he let out a brief hiss as Steve turned rather carelessly. Steve called an apology back.
Eddie mumbled something that he couldn’t decipher but could tell from the lack of voice that Dustin had already walked away.
He only got two seconds of silence, almost dozing off in his seat, before Robin whispered something to him.
“That was really brave of you,” she hummed, and Eddie had to lift himself to understand what she was saying. His confused look prompted her to continue, “What you said to Steve I — I had a similar conversation like that with him once. It was how I came out to him.”
Here Eddie was thinking he’d be forever alone in his feelings, only for Robin to have overheard him and related to it. “You?” Robin nodded. “I thought — I thought I was alone. I’ve never — shit, man.”
Robin laughed. “You aren’t the only one, I promise. I can’t tell you their names, but there’s more than just you and I. Some people will listen.” She looked around the room. “People care, Eddie.”
He could feel himself tearing up slightly as he looked down at his lap. Robin didn’t understand that his being gay wasn’t his only problem. People might be supportive in that area, but what if any of the people in this RV right now would react like his father? Would he end up friendless as well, be thrown out of the group just like his dad had thrown him out of the house? Not that that was the only reason for it.
“Right.”
“And, also?”
Eddie looked up at her, tilting his head.
“You should tell him.” Robin jerked her head towards Steve, who was in a very animated talk with Lucas, who was now in the front seat.
Fuck, was he making it that obvious? He’d tried to keep it as bland as possible, tried to keep the looks to a minimum, and really fucking tried to be normal for once. Had he slipped up somewhere? Did that mean Steve knew, too? Was that why he was so quiet for the rest of the drive? Was he just uncomfortable with talking to Eddie after realizing just how much of a freak he actually was?
It wasn’t just that, though.
Steve was straight, and that would just lead to him rejecting Eddie’s emotions and their friendship (if that was what you could even call it at that moment) becoming nonexistent. He really didn’t think he could deal with not being able to see the other because of some stupid crush. It’d break him–especially after how special Steve had made him feel. Eddie also wasn’t who everyone thought he was. He was hiding behind a mask of a different person, convincing everyone he was just some normal guy when in actuality he was so far from it.
Shaking his head, Eddie turned away from her. “You don’t understand, Robin. I can’t do that. I’ll never do that.”
After they reached the War Zone and Steve pulled them into a deserted part behind the store, the group all piled out, all being instructed what things they needed to get while Eddie sat back in his place behind the driver’s seat, while Dustin and Lucas watched them from the door before slamming it closed.
They were gone for forty minutes. That was ten minutes longer than they should have been, and it took everything in Eddie to not let Dustin and Lucas run out there to go see if they were okay.
He couldn’t lie, though; he was fucking scared. He couldn’t help but flex his hands around in all ways to calm himself down, shaking his leg and wringing his neck, attempting not to have a full-blown panic attack over some children in front of the other two.
“Where are they?” Dustin exclaimed, pacing the room and staring at his watch. His pacing wasn’t helping Eddie’s nerves. “They should be back by now-“
The door immediately swung open, revealing Steve, who quickly entered, followed by the rest, while he and Lucas shouted around. Steve loudly explained, telling everyone to sit.
Everything was too much for Eddie, and he couldn’t fuck breathe.
He clenched his eyes shut as tight as he could, tilting his head towards his chest as he shook his hands. He was trying so goddamn hard to stay calm, to not let himself spiral.
“Eddie? Eddie!” He heard the faint call of Dustin but it just made everything worse because he could hear the slight lisp in his voice and he could also hear the gravel that scratched against the RV wheels, the buzzing light, the ticking of a watch, the engine revving and the sound of chatter from the parking lot they were driving through. He bent down to bury his face in his knees, covering his ears with his palms and pushing as hard as possible. It wasn't working.
His chest felt like it was closing up and that every breath he took was ripping his throat apart. It struggled to expand under the tight fabric pressed against it, restricting it even more than it would have otherwise.
Suddenly his jeans and jacket felt all too fucking tight, and his T-shirt felt too scratchy. Everyone around him was talking, and he just wanted to fucking cry because he couldn’t deal with this right now. He couldn’t deal with it when Chrissy died in front of his eyes. He couldn’t deal with it when they were in the Upside Down for the first time, and he certainly couldn’t deal with it now.
Then suddenly, everyone wasn’t as close as before, and there were fewer voices, and from what he could tell, the RV had momentarily been put to a stop.
His nails scratched into his head through his hair as he curled his fingers.
“Eddie — Eds, hey,” It was Steve. Of course, it was Steve because he was a devote do-gooder now; he just had to help everyone. It was like he had a fucking hero complex or something.
It made Eddie hate him. He fucking hated Steve with his entire being. If he could go back in time and change it so he’d avoid Steve at all costs, he would, because Steve was ruining his fucking life. Everything Steve did make his chest ache, and he wished it would just stop. He needed it to stop, or it might drive him insane.
He felt a hand gently lay on his wrist and tensed. Only slightly, though, as the touch was so gentle and caring, “You’re hurting yourself, Eddie. Can you look at me? Or Robin. We’re both here. We can help. Just please look up.” Steve’s voice was so gentle it made Eddie’s entire stomach jerk.
All he could manage was a shake of the head, but he released his hands, allowing Steve to pull them away from his scalp. God, the skin fucking ached up there now.
“Okay, that’s good enough for now. Do you need anything?”
Eddie’s hands shook again as he drew his knees closer to his chest. He needed everything to stop. He needed to go home to uncle Wayne so they could watch the movie he’d bought home on tape for them to watch. He needed to cook the man dinner, as he’d promised. He needed to let the other know he was okay. He needed everything to go back to normal again.
Steve seemed to say something to the kids that Eddie couldn’t hear over his thoughts before the space beside him was filled with a hot body. Then suddenly the RV was set into drive again.
“Hey, you’re alright,” Steve muttered from beside him. Despite having already grabbed his hand and leaning into his side, he asked, “Am I alright to touch you?”
Eddie nodded.
An arm was placed around his shoulder and a hand was laid on his knee, the two jolting in unison as the RV traveled. Eddie assumed Nancy was driving. She was the only other one apart from him and Steve with a license.
Unexpectedly, he could feel his breathing return to something more level, having unknowingly copied Steve’s pattern. There was certainly still a stutter in his breaths because of the pain in his chest and ribs, but he ignored it in favor of listening to the other's unnecessarily calming breaths.
He lifted his head slightly from his knees, seeing immediately all the kids sat on the other side of the ride, chatting away but throwing the occasional glance at him. But importantly, Steve sat against his side.
“You alright?” Steve asked after a second of eye contact before Eddie turned away. “You can tell me what’s wrong.”
Eddie bit his lip, bouncing his leg in a way to relieve any more stress from his body. It took him a moment to even register what Steve had said, his brain so jumbled from what had just happened, “I — Fuck, I’m sorry.”
The surrounding arm tightened for less than a second as he said, “You’re alright,” Eddie couldn’t help but exhale at those words. Maybe Steve was telling the truth. “It’s normal to react to things like this, Eddie. Especially after everything you’ve gone through in such a short amount of time. No one’s here to judge you.”
“I’m so scared,” He admitted, fiddling with his rings, “I’m probably going to die or be arrested and I don’t — I can’t handle either of those. I’m not even — I haven’t even graduated yet… I’m a fucking loser, I don’t have any friends my age, I am a fucking mess and I’m gonna — I’m going to be like this forever.”
Steve sighed. “We will get you out of this, alright? I promise.” How could he even promise something like that when it was so clearly wrong?
Eventually, the RV pulled to a stop and Eddie jolted awake from where he had fallen asleep on Steve’s shoulder. He quickly pulled away, looking down at the floor in embarrassment.
“Is this place alright?” Nancy called from the front and after Steve and Dustin both looked out of a few windows, they turned to each other and nodded before Steve called back a yes in response.
The group piled out of the van, equipment in hand, and split into pairs to make everything they needed to.
Dustin and Eddie had been paired together.
“Uh — Eddie?” Dustin called as he jogged to where the older had set up a crate to hold a trash lid on so that he could begin bashing nails into it.
Eddie hummed in acknowledgment, not looking up.
“Are you alright? Like… from earlier?” The boy asked nervously, and Eddie froze where he was about to use his mallet to hit a nail. He nodded. “Oh! That’s good. Yeah.”
Letting out the tiniest huff of a laugh, Eddie started hammering nails into the lid.
This didn’t go unnoticed by Dustin as he gasped, “Are you laughing at me?”
Eddie’s eyes widened in mock alarm. “Who? Me? Oh, I’d never laugh at you, Sir Henderson.” He said it in a funny voice, much like he did in his DnD campaigns.
“Is that a challenge?” Dustin replied, changing into a confident tone, much like a knight, and holding the pole he held up. “Is Eddie the Banished challenging me?”
“Oh, he certainly is!” Eddie grinned, picking up his stick to point it at Dustin. “I, Eddie the Banished, challenge you, Sir Henderson of Hawkins, to a battle.” He paused for a moment for dramatic effect, then grinned. “To the death!”
Dustin exclaimed before rushing towards Eddie, who laughed and moved out of the way, almost sending the boy tumbling.
They fake fought for what felt like forever (but was only about five minutes) and yeah, Dustin may have won their little battle but it was only because Eddie looked over to where Steve and Robin sat at that moment, and Steve had shot him a smile and a wave that was unnecessarily fucking endearing, causing Eddie to trip over his feet and fall face first into the ground, catching himself with his arms and receiving a tap on the back from Dustin’s stick as he flushed.
He might’ve grinned to himself as he heard Steve and Robin’s chuckles fill the air, not seeming at all mocking, but he wouldn’t have admitted that to anyone.
“I win! I won!” Dustin exclaimed, pumping his arms into the air and bouncing around in a circle.
He didn’t see Eddie stand up, though, not until he was tackled by him. The two went into an immediate fit of giggles as Eddie dragged Dustin to the ground, play fighting on the ground as they laughed to their heart’s content.
Somewhere near them, Eddie heard Erica comment how childish they were, but it only made him grin wider, wrestling with Dustin all that much more.
The fun was cut short by Nancy calling out to them, telling them they should continue hammering nails into the trash lids like they were supposed to and not messing around. Eddie also vaguely heard her say something about him being a bad influence on Dustin, only for Max to come to his rescue and say they were both going through a lot, and they deserve to have some fun once in a while.
Though Eddie stood, continuing what had been ordered to, in silence. The smile on his face felt like it was wiped clean off.
Eventually, everything was sorted out. They were equipped with everything they’d need to use, and they went over the plan about a hundred times as they drove until it was complete silence.
Eddie could feel himself panicking, but Dustin sitting next to him may have calmed his nerves a bit.
He was more thinking about the fact these kids had gone through this sort of thing since they were eleven and really, from what he could tell; it took a toll on all of them. They all looked so tired, and it was probably more likely because of all the shit they’d had to go through by themselves than actual fatigue.
Then here he is, someone who’d only been affected by it for about a week and was acting completely shattered. It wasn’t fair to the kids.
He sighed as Steve pulled the RV into a back road close enough to the trailer park for them to get to it, but not enough to get caught.
They went over the plan for what felt like the millionth time. The group who weren’t coming to the Upside Down had already been taken to where they needed to be to execute the plan, and Eddie can only imagine that the same is happening over with them.
But he could feel his nerves growing as they all dropped through the weird Upside Down portal. He wasn’t even sure what the nerves were for because there was just so much stuff for him to worry about. What if he didn’t make it? What if the plan didn’t work? What if Dustin got hurt while under his care? What if their distraction didn’t work and Steve, Nancy, and Robin were injured? All the things that could go wrong really all fell on him. If he did something wrong, then it would be bad for everyone.
“You alright?” Robin questioned as Steve and Dustin spoke about what they needed to do.
An emotionless nod was really all Eddie could respond with.
To his shock, Robin surged forwards and hugged him tightly. He had almost dropped the stick and shield he was holding in surprise. “You’ll be alright. Everyone will be alright.”
She could tell what he was thinking about. Well — she might’ve been having the same thoughts for all he knew.
Eventually, everyone was set and leaving the trailer. The thunder in the surroundings growing louder the longer they were there, almost like it was growing closer. The air was still as dull and gloomy as ever.
It was Hawkins’s own personal Hell, after all.
Eddie and Dustin followed quickly behind, only for Steve to stop and turn to them. “Hey, guys, listen—”
At first, he was certainly talking to both of them, but as he continued, his eyes trained on Eddie, “If things here start going south — I mean, at all–you abort. Okay? Draw the attention of the bats. Keep ‘em busy for a minute or two. We’ll take care of Vecna.”
He scanned the two over. “Don’t try being cute or being a hero or something. Okay? You guys are just—”
“Decoys.” Dustin groaned. “Don’t worry. You can be the hero, Steve.”
Steve didn’t seem pleased with that answer.
“Absolutely. I mean,” Eddie turned to Dustin before looking down at himself, then back to Steve, “Look at us — we are not heroes.” He laughed, even though nothing about this was funny.
It took Steve a second of mind-battling himself before he nodded, ready to turn away so they could execute the plan as they had needed.
Stepping forwards, though, Eddie had other plans first. “Hey, Steve?” The three in front stopped to look at him, and his throat felt incredibly dry. This was his moment. If all else failed, then this needed to be done. It had been years of feeling all this stupid bullshit and now that he was in a life or death situation, it was almost like it would calm him down or take a weight off his shoulders. The way everyone was staring at him made him freeze in his tracks. However, “Make him pay.” He pushed back the tears he could feel, he was pathetic. Pathetic and in fucking love during what could quite possibly be the final moments of his life.
Behind Steve, Eddie noticed the look Robin had given him but ignored her to nod back at Steve. They all finally left, not without Steve shooting him one last look. His face almost seemed worried. He was probably worried about leaving the town freak with his youngest best friend, scared that Eddie won’t be able to protect him. Everyone knew how good at running Eddie was.
Not today, though.
The plan was going even better than Eddie had thought it would. He and Dustin had completely reinforced his Upside Down trailer as best they could before waiting for the next step...
A crackle came from the walkie-talkie Dustin was nervously clenching in his hands.
“She’s in. Move to phase three.” Robin’s voice filled the air.
Dustin nodded to himself. “Copy that. Initiating phase three,” He quickly plugged Eddie’s guitar into the long cord connecting to the amp they had set up, Eddie intently watching his every move, “Let’s hope they hear this.” The amp fizzled as Dustin turned it up...
Eddie’s hand shook as he yanked his necklace away from his neck, holding the pick attached to it tight between his fingers.
Then he played. He played like there was no tomorrow because there literally might not be one if he messed this up. Everything was going great. Everything was fine.
Until Dustin started screaming that they needed to get down.
Eventually, he stopped playing, gently placing his guitar down despite his panic as the both of them got down off of the trailer. It continued as they ran inside, slamming the door behind them.
Through his panic, he still grinned when Dustin called his guitar-playing the most metal concert ever.
It went downhill for them from there, and Eddie almost broke under the pressure of it all. He knew he had to stay strong for Dustin. Though, the sounds of the bats slamming into the sides of the trailer and then finding a way in had him practically shaking, trying so hard to get even the smallest bit of breath in so he wouldn’t hyperventilate...
Dustin had got into the portal, thank God, but of course, Eddie had to be an idiot. Of course, he had to choose this time of all times to be a hero — to not run. It wasn’t even like he’d be told off or ridiculed for running this one time, because it was what had been asked of him. He had been told to run, yet he hadn’t listened because he could never fucking listen.
At first, he hadn’t properly registered the bites because he was so focused on keeping the bats’ attention on him and him only, but then he was on the ground and the bats were on him and they were pulling and squeezing and he couldn’t fucking breathe.
He choked back a scream as he tried to throw them off. His mind was blurred with nothing more but screaming at his stupidity — that he didn’t just listen to Steve, or tell him what he had wanted to, or gotten closer to Dustin and the other kids or Robin or even Nancy, for God’s sake. He wanted to scream or break his wrists free so he could rip the bat from his neck, but then they were biting through his clothes at his ribs and torso and he felt like he was going to be sick because this was the end for him. He was going to fucking die all because of his stupid pride — he was almost as bad as he thought Steve had been in high school.
Of course, everything in his mind circled back to Steve.
His body felt like it was burning, and all he could think about was if Steve was okay. It was pathetic how much his life circled on one man that couldn’t care less about him. He was going to die here, alone, thinking about someone who would probably forget about him within a week because, in the end, he was Eddie and Steve was Steve.
Then the bats all dropped to the ground, convulsing before they all fell still, and he still couldn’t breathe or feel anything but a dull buzzing throughout his entire body. He faintly heard sneakers scuffing the ground and what was Dustin’s voice calling out his name before the boy came into view. What was he even doing there again?
Eddie choked on a breath as he crouched beside him, taking him up in his arms. “Oh God, Eddie.”
“Bad, huh?” He managed, though he winced as it made the pain in his sides flair up.
Dustin frantically moved him around. He was shaking. That’s when Eddie knew he’d made a mistake. “No. You’re — You’re gonna be fine. Just gotta get you to a hospital, okay?”
Honestly, Eddie had no faith that he’d survive through this because even if they got him to the hospital, he was still thought to be a wanted criminal. He’d be taken into police custody. They’d never see him again after that. He thinks he’d much rather die than be locked away for something he hadn’t done. “Okay.” He'd much rather die for a town that hated him then be in said town, thought to be someone he wasn't.
“Alright, alright — alright,” Dustin repeated, trying to pull Eddie up, only for him to choke on the blood accumulating in his throat. “Alright.”
“I think —“
Dustin continued his muttering, still trying to lift Eddie up, but he just couldn’t. The pain was too much, and it didn’t help when the boy pushed his hands over it, trying to stop the bleeding.
Shaking his head, Eddie tried to stop Dustin’s frantic pulling because the pain felt almost like it was ripping him in half. “I think — I think I just need a — need a second.” He finally managed to get a few shaky breaths in as Dustin stopped jolting him about. “I didn’t run away this time, right?”
“No — no no no,” Dustin shook his head and Christ, he was crying, “You didn’t run.”
Eddie felt like his heart had just been ripped out.
He still struggled to breathe, both under the bindings on his chest and the gaping wounds on his side.
“You’re gonna have to look after those little sheep for me, okay?”
Dustin let out a sob. “No! You’re gonna do that yourself.” His attention was suddenly drawn to something else before he exclaimed, “Steve! Nancy! Robin! Help! God, please, help.”
Eddie could distantly hear running, but he just kept looking up. He couldn’t move. The pain was too much; he just wanted it to be over.
“Oh my God—” Robin’s voice cut through Dustin’s cries as the three reached them, “Oh my God.”
There were a few moments of shuffling before Eddie felt Dustin’s hands leave his sides, and the boy stood before he was being held much closer to someone else. Through the blur in his eyes, he could see Nancy and Robin pulling things from Nancy’s backpack.
“Eddie, hey,” Steve spoke, and Eddie tilted his head slightly up and met Steve’s eyes.
Spluttering on his words, wheezing as his breath came out wrong, Eddie tried to smile up at the other. “Hi.” He felt Nancy’s hands start tying what he can only assume was a bandage around his torso, “‘m not feeling too good” He slurred, his vision filling with small dots.
Steve choked. “Alright — uh… fuck, Eddie.” He looked down at the other and the blood coating him and his clothes. “Fuck. You’ll be alright, okay? You have got to be. For Dustin -– the other kids — for me. Please.”
He definitely passed out after that because he couldn’t remember anything else.