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It’s finally over. Everyone is back home, the Earth is no longer threatened by the Diamonds, and they are all aware of the truth behind Pink Diamond. But most importantly…
Steven is Steven. Not Rose. Not Pink. He’s himself and has always been.
So, he will finally be at peace, right?
… right.
…
Steven may be back, but it doesn’t mean that his mind has left Homeworld just yet.
Almost dying has always been part of his life. It’s the price that comes with being a Crystal Gem, and it’s not something he regrets, as he’s saved so many people and helped them, whatever the cost is.
But he doesn’t forget. He can’t forget being stuck and lonely in the middle of the outer space. He can’t pretend he hasn’t struggled with dreams and nightmares, of his family getting hurt or killed, of the Diamonds coming after him, the grief they had over Pink, and the pain his mother inflicted on everyone around him. And he can’t possibly ignore White Diamond brainwashing his friends, erasing their memories, their colors, their everything. Nor can he avoid the giant hands removing his gem off his belly.
He's at least relieved that Pink was not what came out. But the emptiness… he can’t forget it.
Steven has been so close to death so many times, it shouldn’t be new to him… but he would’ve died while knowing he couldn’t save his family. He couldn’t save his home. He would’ve slowly and painfully died with everything lost. He could only weakly reach out to his gem self. Weren’t it for Connie, he fears he wouldn’t even be here.
Connie. She’s the only one who knows. The gems don’t remember anything from when they were mind-controlled, and Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot only arrived when everything was already solved. Connie, on the other hand, saw everything. She fought the lifeless bodies of Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst, she heard White’s manipulating words, she stood there helplessly while his gem was taken off his body, and she was there to pick him up and guide him to the only thing that could save him.
They’ve talked about it. Steven feels better knowing she remembers; while that’s probably cruel of him now that he thinks about it. Either way, she was as scared as he was. They stick together in the first nights, as they sleep in his father’s van while the house is still being fixed. The two don’t leave one another for a second. Steven doesn’t want it to end.
But inevitably, Connie has to go home. She deserves to, after such a dangerous space adventure. Steven knows she needs time with her family, but he feels so helpless the moment she goes away.
He masks it as he waves her goodbye, Lion giving her a ride. Greg is still at work at the time, so Steven is left alone. The gems are trying to receive their healed allies, trying to do most of the job for him in these first days, before he actually gets to return to Homeworld to make decisions for the whole empire.
However, even if they were with him, he knows he would still feel alone, back in White’s head, losing everything, losing himself.
At night, Dad is sound asleep. Steven hasn’t slept at all. The van seems to be getting smaller the more he stays in there. When he finally opens the door – as quietly as he can –, he realizes his hands are trembling like he’s stuck in a freezer. He greets the gentle breeze of the ocean and closes the door, so his father doesn’t find him in this state.
The moment he steps on the beach, he drops to his knees as his vision darkens, like he stood up too fast. Steven is hyperventilating, the same way he did back when he was stuck in the Cluster’s struggling mind. The same way he did when, as Stevonnie, he was haunted by his failures.
He remembers Garnet’s advice, so he tries to quiet these thoughts down.
Take a moment to think of just,
Flexibility, love and trust.
But…
Now, Starlight…
Flexibility, love and trust, flexibility, love and trust
This has gone long enough.
Love and trust, love and trust, love and trust—
It’s time to come out, Pink.
He yelps when he feels something gently tapping him. It’s big and pink and soft.
Steven hasn’t realized Lion has returned and is standing right in front of him with knowing eyes.
“Lion,” he says with the utmost relief.
As always, his big pet cat doesn’t say a thing. That’s exactly what helps the boy calm down. Sometimes he just needs something quiet and stable to focus on.
Even still, Steven’s hands continue shaking.
“I… I-I have nowhere to go,” he whispers, lowering his head in shame.
Lion doesn’t take long to bend down. A sign.
Steven instantly knows what it means.
“Thanks, buddy,” he says before holding his breath and jumping inside the wide mane.
When he arrives, he’s met with a scream… and the floor. Steven is lucky not to hurt his face, though. Then, he hears an annoyed sigh.
“Gee, Steven, what does it take you to text me before jumping outta my head?”
Steven stands up, realizing he’s at Lars’ kitchen. He didn’t really expect the other to be cooking at this time of day, while he’s aware Lars probably doesn’t feel the need to sleep anymore.
“Well, at least you got just in time to be the first one to try my cookies,” Lars says, bending down to look at the stove. “But since I didn’t tell you about that, you’re probably not here for that, right?”
The younger teen stares at his own bare feet – clenches his fists, as they keep trembling, and he shakes his head. He can instantly feel Lars frowning at him.
“Hey, Steven, what happened? You don’t look so good.”
Gulping, the other boy senses his eyes burning and blurring.
“I- I don’t—” Nothing he says comes out right. He tries to step away, realizing it might have been a bad idea to come here, only for his legs to give up and he’s on his knees again.
“Whoa, whoa, Steven”— he hears rushed footsteps approaching him —“Steven, can you hear me? Hey…”
Then, he can only acknowledge distant voices trying to reach him. But he’s not there to answer them.
Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe another illusion White has created. Maybe he’s still in her head, maybe this is why everyone is gone, he didn’t save them, he failed—
Something grabs his hand. Not forcefully, but hesitantly, like it’s ready to let go soon.
“… Earth to Steven, are you with me?” Lars is facing him, distressed, concerned. “We’re at my place, in my kitchen, and currently cookies are baking. Can you smell them?”
Listening to him, Steven does recognize the sweet scent of vanilla and chocolate. They smell delicious. Lars never fails, really.
“Y-Yeah,” Steven manages out, “they smell great.”
“Yeah. Can I keep holding your hand?”
The boy nods frantically.
“Okay.” The hold is steady but not hurtful. “See, everything’s fine. I’m right here, we’re safe. Just breathe. In… and out… in… out…”
Steven follows his lead, squeezing his hand desperately, though his grip eventually relaxes. The smell of cookies and Lars’ lovely home bring him back. It takes a while, but he finally lets out one deep last breath.
Despite all this, there are tears threatening to fall.
“Th-Thanks.” He smiles weakly.
Lars doesn’t reply, instead staring at him with worry.
“What happened?”
“… e-everything.” Steven gulps. “Sorry for—”
“Ah, ah, ah, no need to apologize. It’s okay.”
Steven can’t help the sniff. “Okay.”
Minutes of silence pass until they hear the “ping!” from the stove, meaning the cookies are ready. Even then, Lars still holds his hands, and Steven feels guilty.
“… you should get them,” he immediately suggests.
“They’re not going anywhere.”
Steven wants to insist, he wants to apologize again, but he knows Lars will know the right thing to say and that he doesn’t have to keep sacrificing himself for him, so Steven only lets out the tears that his eyes can’t hide and stays quiet.
“You wanna talk about it?” Lars encourages.
He knows he already has, with Connie, but he desperately needs this.
“… you know I went to Homeworld to talk to the Diamonds, to convince them to help us,” Steven begins. “But before I could convince them, well… it wasn’t easy. Even less when it came to White.”
Lars nods for him to continue. Steven looks down, where his gem is hidden behind his shirt.
“She…” he swallows. “S-She brainwashed Blue and Yellow, then Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst… they were just like her, lifeless, colorless, empty… and she kept messing with my head, trying to convince me I was Pink, that I wasn’t me. Then she…” he pauses harshly. “She took my gem. Out of my body.”
Although he’s not looking at his friend, he senses Lars’ eyes widening in horror. More tears roll down Steven’s face.
“A-At least in the end I found out I was me, y’know. Not secretly my mom, or half of her. My gem half is me. A pink me, but me. I should be happy with that, right? I am happy. But I—” He sobs, “I can’t help but feel like I’m still there, about to die, unable to save everyone… only Connie knows, because she was there and she saved me, but she left to be with her family, and I know she deserves to be with them after what I did to her, but I… I need her. I need someone.”
He faces teardrops falling on the floor – not through Pink’s point of view –, and the silence is too much for him. It reminds him of the loneliness, of the emptiness of White’s head, even if Lars is still holding his hands, it’s not enough.
And Lars seems to get the message.
“… C’mere.”
He’s opening his arms wide, not pushing Steven at all. The latter does not refuse. He pretty much jumps to Lars’ arms, clinging to him with everything he has. At one moment, there’s a hand on the back of his head, smoothing his black curls. Steven also senses his friend’s low heartbeat, and it’s so strangely comforting to him. It reminds him he’s alive, that he’s not empty. That he’s home.
They’re home.
They hold each other for what it feels like an eternity, and it’s enough for Steven to stop feeling the dread that has been with him since Connie left. Lars might not have been there to see what happened, but he knows the truth behind Steven’s mask. He knows he’s terrified underneath, just like Lars was.
The space captain, likely sensing Steven is calmer, is the one who pulls away, but still keeps him close. Lars has a sad smile on his face.
“I’m glad you told me everything. You can tell me anything you need,” he reassures him. “I know talking is hard, especially something as scary as that, and I know I can’t do much, but I can listen and be there for you. I’m just a Lion away, after all.”
The last comment gets a little smile out of Steven – a genuine smile this time –, and he could never be more grateful.
“Thanks, Lars,” he says, drying tears of joy. “Y-You’re a really good friend.”
“Good, I try to be.”
Lars gives Steven’s hands one last, reassuring squeeze before he finally gives his attention to the untouched stove. The cookies have probably cooled down at this point. Lars gets them and places them on the table. Turns out they are space themed, as Steven recognizes stars, rockets, planets, and moons.
“You up for some frosting?” The pink teenager asks.
“Yeah, that would be great.”
“Awesome. ‘Cause the others pretty much abandoned me to hang out with Peridot and Lapis,” Lars groans and Steven laughs. “Guess they don’t find me cool anymore.”
“Aw, I still think you’re cool, Lars.”
“Thanks. At least you won’t betray me.”
“Of course. We stick together, right?”
Lars smiles at him with fondness. “Right.”
Then he’s instructing Steven what to do for the frosting process.
Finally, Steven’s hands have stopped shaking.