Chapter Text
Kaeya knows that he’s wrong on the inside. That there is something shattered under the layers of deceit and clever words. There's probably a better way to phrase it but, for once, he’s honestly too tired to lie. Especially to himself.
(He’s gotten too good at that particular skill)
But now, as he lies on the floor of his living quarters, does he truly realize the answer he’s been searching for, ever since (Father) Crepus died. It's been staring him in the face and he was simply too afraid to acknowledge it.
“It's me. I’m the problem. I’m the one who’s wrong,” He whispers to himself, to him and only him because there is no one and there will never ever be anyone he can confide his problems in anymore.
He’s already tried that, and where did that leave him?
Alone.
And he thought that Diluc would let him explain. And where did that leave him?
With a burn scar the length of his arm, stretching from his neck to his stomach.
(And enough trust problems to tie a noose with and hang himself with)
It's him because it's always him. There will never be a bigger screw-up than Kaeya himself. His brother had shown him the truth throughout the fog of his own lies. He is the problem. He is the one you point to when something goes wrong. He is to blame for every problem in the Knights of Favonius. He is always to blame.
(He still feels hollow when he realizes that Diluc really thought that he could ever betray Mondstat)
He has no purpose in living other than to be a burden to everyone and anyone around him. He is worthless. Just another thing to add to the long list of titles. He was a prince. He was a brother. He was loved.
He is none of those things now. There are all these people who care about him but he still feels so inexplicably empty. Because there is one person who will never care about him like he wants him to.
Why would Diluc? Kaeya is the traitor. Kaeya is the one who can't be trusted. Diluc is good. Kaeya is not. Diluc is the sun, shining forever bright, celebrated by the people who surround him. And Kaeya is the moon, shunned for the darkness that he brings with him.
Kaeya will forever be by himself, for the sinner is not allowed in heaven with the angels.
He’s always hated being on patrol duty. Not only does it almost never generate any action, but it also leaves him with the worst amount of time to think to himself. And thinking leads to spiraling and spiraling leads to memories, and memories lead to Diluc.
(And Diluc leads to the day he got his vision and was left for dead.).
He must be more spaced out than usual and only barely dodges a sudden blast of cold air. Swearing, he leaps back, unsheathing his sword quickly.
An abyss mage. Fuck. A cryo one too, by the looks of it.
What are the odds? His chest feels tight as he raises his blade instinctively.
“You…You! Traitor. Traitor! You left us!” It howls, icy droplets flung outwards in fury. “You were supposed to be our savior! You were supposed to rescue us from that hell!” His tongue feels twisted up in his mouth, his stomach churning at the words.
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” He’s lying through his teeth, lips pressed together tightly. The mage shrieks, lashing out, icicles poised to stab him in the heart and lungs. His sword slashes quickly, slicing them in half.
His fingers feel heavy as lead, as he stares at what used to be one of his people.
“Liar! Sinner! We are all monsters now because of you!” The blade pierces the mage’s chest, spewing dark liquid everywhere. Ice creeps up its body, burning into its fur, burning it into its skin.
“I’m afraid that you've got the wrong person,” Lies. It's all that ever comes dripping out of his mouth.
“Liar… Liar… I’ll make it so your tongue will never coat itself in deceit ever again…” Its voice is strangled as its body fades into sparkly blue dust. “You were our prince… our savior. Now you are nothing but a dirty deceiver,” The sword twists, the creature shrieking in pain and fury.
For a moment, he only stares at where the monster used to lay, before giving a plastic smile.
“Well. You weren't wrong,” He murmurs, sliding the blade back in place in its sheathe.
“I really am nothing but a dirty deceiver,”
The rest of his shift is spent in silence until another knight comes to take his place. No one bats an eye as he slips back into his office to finish his paperwork. No one bats an eye when he excuses himself to the restroom.
And he throws up.
Whatever was left in his stomach from before is now being drained down the toilet bowl, hopefully, never to be seen again. But the itchy, crawling feeling persists, clogging up his senses and wrapping around his throat and stomach. His midriff feels hollow yet the urge to get rid of everything inside pulls him downwards once again.
Kaeya knows what to do whenever this happens. After all, it was a weekly routine, at this point.
Drink himself sick until he can’t think clearly anymore, or frankly, at all.
“Hello again, Master Diluc,” Kaeya winks cheekily at the man on the other side of the bar. The red-haired man glares at him as he slides gracefully into a stool. It hurts a bit more than it usually does, but Kaeya moves past it with ease. “One Death after Noon, if you will.”
Kaeya doesn't feel too well.
(Honestly, there has never been a day since he lost his brother and father that he has ever actually felt well)
But there’s no use in burdening someone else to take his share of work so he can waste time recovering. It would probably be handed off to Jean anyway, and the Acting Grandmaster is already so overworked. Heaven knew how much sleep she had already lost over the recent situation with Stormterror.
“You're going to die of alcohol poisoning one day,” The wine tycoon hisses, slamming down the drink forcefully. Kaeya gasps exaggeratedly.
“How could you think that, Master Diluc? My kidney is just fine, thank you. And what was that I heard?” His teasing smile doesn't reveal the tiny glimmer of hope hiding underneath his facade. “Are you… actually worried about me?” It's immediately stomped to the ground and shattered when Diluc scoffs derisively.
Kaeya should have known by now, that hoping for miracles is futile in the long run.
“No. Cleaning up your body would be too much of a hassle, especially if you drop dead in my bar,” The blue-haired man’s heart sinks but he forces a chuckle.
“Of course… how could I forget? For a person with a Pyro vision, you're quite cold,” He accepts the glass, faking a pout. Diluc scoffs again before walking away to accommodate another customer, leaving Kaeya to stew in his own thoughts.
He’s not really there for the drinks at Angel’s Share, as wonderful as they are. No. He goes to reassure himself that things would never be the same again. He could never be the adoring younger brother ever again. The hatred Diluc spat in his face was proof enough.
He couldn't help but wonder how differently the scene might have been set if Kaeya had just kept his mouth shut. Maybe he could have been there with Diluc to help ease the grief. Maybe there wouldn't be a chasm the size of the abyss between the two of them. Maybe he would be the one behind the bar, alongside Diluc, continuing the business instead of just sitting here, staring blankly into his untouched cup.
The scent of the drink, usually enticing, makes bile rise at the back of his throat. Mixed with the memories of his failures, it serves up one nasty cocktail. In fact, he was even seeing doubles of his own hands. His eyes droop shut as he leans heavily against his fist, his stomach turning itself inside out.
“Sir Kaeya?” A vaguely familiar voice makes him open his eyes wearily. It sounded worried. That wasn't right. This voice shouldn't be worried, least of all over him. That wasn't right… Diluc shouldn't be worried about him…
“Kaeya! What's wrong?” Everything his mouth won’t open to formulate the right words to get his big brother off his back. Diluc is always such a worrywart.
“Noth’ns wrong, ‘Luc,” His voice is slurring weirdly. “I’m just… ‘m just kinda… kinda tired,” Diluc’s breath hitches at the nickname, though Kaeya has no idea why.
“Kaeya! Hey! Stay awake, what happened?” Staying awake… sounds like too much effort. Falling asleep sounds much better, so much nicer.
“Hmm… ‘Luc, imm’a go to bed, okay? My head hurts…” Strong hands catch him as he topples head first off the stool. He feels like he’s been hit by one of Klee’s bombs, mind spinning in circles.
“Don’t you dare go to sleep, you-” Kaeya doesn't hear the rest of Diluc’s sentence as he promptly blacks out, completely disobeying Diluc’s order.
Oops.