Chapter Text
Itachi nearly died the first time a letter addressed to him arrived at Akatsuki headquarters.
He had been unexpectedly called into Pein’s office and knew immediately upon entering that he was in deep shit. Pein, Konan, and Sasori were fanned out opposite to the door, their eyes focused on him and tension heavy in the air.
Itachi froze with his hand still on the doorknob and wondered if his cover had been blown. He was ready to spring into action the moment one of them made a move. He had goals to keep, he couldn’t die just yet.
“This letter is directly addressed to you. Tell me how this person came to know our location.” Pein’s deep voice was level as he raised a single sheet of paper into the air. The threat of violence in his tone was poorly concealed. He read aloud the sender’s name and return address. They lived on some random street back in Konoha.
“I have no idea who wrote that or how they know my location.” Itachi could only answer with pained honesty. He was feeling lost.
“She claims to be your wife.”
“…I am not legally of age to marry.” Fuck, that wasn’t the argument he meant to make but Itachi was so bewildered that it just… popped out.
Pein tilted his head in consideration and Sasori poorly muffled a snort. “I suppose that is true. But are you two acquainted, at any level at all? She goes into great detail.”
“Absolutely not. I have never met someone by that name in my life.”
“Have you revealed the location of Akatsuki headquarters to anyone?”
“No, never.”
“Do you swear on your life that you have never revealed details of any mission we’ve completed or personal details of other Akatsuki members?”
“I swear on my life that I’ve been discreet and careful. I’ve never revealed anything to anyone. I truly don’t understand how or why someone did this.” Itachi tried to inject as much sincerity into his voice as possible. His life was absolutely dependent on Pein believing him.
A tense moment of silence followed as red Sharingan eyes stared into purple Rinnegan eyes. The coiled power in both of them was poorly masked, a fast flowing river beneath the thinnest layer of ice. Ready to crack at any moment and unleash hell.
Konan raised her hand and laid it gently on Pein’s shoulder. “I believe he is telling the truth.” She tilted her head to the side as she studied Itachi for another moment.
“I agree. The brat is too earnestly confused. Can I leave now?” Sasori’s drawling request was what finally dispelled the painfully tense atmosphere.
“Yes, thank you for your presence.”
Sasori began walking towards the door, rolling his eyes and mouthing the words “thank you for your presence” once his back was to Pein. Itachi barely stopped his eyes from widening. To mock the man so soon after this display of power was ballsy, even for Sasori. Pein must’ve really irritated him.
The letter was held out in his direction. “Fix this,” Pein commanded as Itachi carefully grabbed the sheet of paper from his hand. The room still reeked of violence, he didn’t even want to move too fast in case anyone got spooked.
Itachi nodded and took a tentative step backwards. When he wasn’t stopped, he turned and exited as quickly as he could without looking like a kicked dog. He tucked the letter into his cloak and wandered back down to the kitchen, where his half eaten breakfast was still sitting on the table. The summons had been urgent, he now understood why.
Kisame was sitting nearby, with his face resting on his fist and his elbow propped rudely on the table. But the man had guarded his food from thieves, so Itachi merely gave him a solemn grateful nod.
“What did they need your help with so badly that you couldn’t finish your eggs?” Food was important to Kisame, he was on a mission recently to try and make it important to Itachi. The Uchiha was too skinny in his opinion.
“Someone sent me a letter. A stranger, actually.”
“They sent it here? How the fuck did they find you?”
Itachi’s heart gave a small grateful squeeze at the fact that Kisame didn’t even consider that Itachi had given out the location of headquarters. The man was a good partner, truly.
“I have no idea,” a frown crossed his face and he poked at his eggs absentmindedly. “I assume we’ll have to find and kill her though. She’s not stable enough to let her live with this information.”
“Oh is she crazed by revenge? Was she dating your uncle or something?”
Kisame was a good partner but he was also too blunt about some topics. Itachi held back a wince at the mention of his family culling. The rest of his day was bound to be bad if this start was any indication.
“No, she was claiming to be my wife.”
A blessed moment of silence followed before it was thoroughly shattered by Kisame’s roaring laughter. He bent over and laid his face down in the table, one massive arm wrapped around his stomach as he gasped for air.
”Your what?” he finally coughed out.
“My wife.” Itachi answered with a bland expression and took a bite of egg. He would approach this with dignity, the way an Uchiha is raised to do.
“Holy shit, I’m gonna die.”
His gasping laughter did indeed sound painful at this point. Itachi tossed his spoon into the air and caught it by the opposite end, whacking Kisame on neck with the handle. He tossed it again and caught it back in its original position. There, now the man was quiet and his spoon was still clean for eating.
Well, relatively quiet. He was groaning about “sensitive neck gills” or something, but Itachi was pointedly ignoring him at this point.
The man quieted down when he saw Itachi was actually eating, peace thankfully restored to the dining area for a short time. As soon as the last bite was eaten, he sat upright.
“Have you read the letter yet?”
Itachi shook his head no and watched as a wicked sharp grin stretched over Kisame’s blue face. His yellow eyes gleamed with delight.
“Put it on the table. Now.”
With a sigh, Itachi fished the letter out of his cloak and set it down on the table. It would be easier just to let the man have his fun. Plus he needed to examine it anyway, maybe an extra set of eyes could pick up things he missed.
Together, they both leaned forward and did a quick read of the short letter. A second, more focused rereading followed, checking for things like hidden codes or chakra signatures.
It was clear, this was truly the work of a civilian. A crazed one for sure though.
“Huh,” Kisame summed it up eloquently.
“Hmm,” Itachi hummed back in agreement.
“She has issues.”
“She has too much free time,” Itachi shot back.
“Is it weird knowing that some lady is out there thinking this about you? Possibly right at this moment?”
“…yeah, it’s fucking strange,” he admitted with a wince.
“She went into a lot of detail about what’ll happen for your… reunion…”
“Unfortunately.”
Kisame looked closely at his face and frowned, not liking the discomfort he saw in his mission partner. He didn’t tolerate folks who made others feel uncomfortable for no good reason. This letter was definitely some form of sexual harassment. Kisame may not be a law abiding man, but he wasn’t a dick. This was gonna bother him until they fixed it.
With a loud sigh, he pushed himself to stand up and looked down at his partner. He towered over the Uchiha even without the height difference added by him sitting down. Itachi looked especially tiny at that moment though.
“Let’s take care of it then. We can leave today and reach Konoha before the end of the week. Sneak in, snatch the lady, get what we need, and torch her house.” He added that last bit for Itachi, it would cheer the little pyromaniac up.
A tiny smile twitched at the corners of Itachi’s lips and he nodded, his face returning to its normal serious mask almost immediately. He stood up from the table and gathered his dishes to wash.
“Meet up after lunchtime?”
Kisame nodded. “Sounds good! I’ll sort things out with Konan.”
“Thank you,” Itachi murmured, his gaze focused on the soapy plate in his hand. He looked… relieved. Good. He didn’t need more weight on his shoulders.
Kisame turned and left the room, flexing his fingers and stretching his neck with an air of building excitement. They had a weirdo to meet. He knew he’d take particular pleasure in seeing this one dead.
But he couldn’t resist teasing his teammate a little more.
“It’s too bad Pein read that letter. He’ll probably think about those details every now and then.”
A wet spoon smacked into the back of his head before he could fully duck out of the door, his laughter loud and unrestrained, trailing behind him as he ran.