Chapter Text
Killua looked around the small room, hands on his hips. The window was slightly ajar, a comfortable early summer breeze blowing in. The light blue walls looked soft in the sunlight, and so did the furniture, the wooden bed and desk and armoire. Her drawings, framed by Leorio as a surprise, hung on the walls. The multicolored quilt, made by Kurapika, seemed warm, folded down at the foot of the bed for when the nights got cold. His own skateboard, which he’d claimed to have outgrown, propped up against the wall.
It was a very nice room.
Alluka’s room. Nanika’s room.
He sighed, glancing at his sister, putting away what few pieces of clothing she’d collected over their travels. She looked… happy. Happy and safe and not worried about who was going to burst through the window at any second to drag her back to that terrible mansion.
This… this was winning, right? This was the whole point of having gotten them away from there, wasn’t it, to give them the choice of one day being able to live a normal life? Right? Right ?
Then why did Killua feel so… lost?
“Onii-chan, if you’re going to stand there being miserable, I’m going to kick you out,” she said, not even looking in his direction.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm going," he said, shrugging. "Doesn't look like I'll be much help around here anyways."
"Try to see if Leorio needs your help in the kitchen!" she provided unhelpfully as Killua left the room.
He didn't want to go help Leorio in the kitchen because Gon was helping Leorio in the kitchen and…
Killua paused in the hallway and sighed. He'd probably sighed more today already than in his entire life, maybe. But what else was he supposed to do? It seemed like everyone had conspired to make his life complicated.
It had started with Illumi, no wait, actually it’d started with fucking Hisoka , because of course it had. It had started with Hisoka deciding that he’d actually fallen in love with Illumi, because sure, that was the world Killua lived in apparently. And as such, Illumi was no longer chasing him, Alluka and Nanika halfway around the world.
Then it’d been Leorio. Leorio, who’d decided to once again commit the grave crime of being a good friend and excellent role model. And as such, Alluka had learned that the world could be more than just constantly running from one place to the other, avoiding cameras and crowds.
And then, finally, it’d been Alluka herself. Alluka, who’d turned to him and said “Hey, Onii-chan… Do you think I could stay with Leorio-san?” And of course, Killua had said “Of course you can.” What else could he do? His sister, who’d never once asked for anything, never once complained seriously, never once done anything to deserve all the shit she’d had to put up with her whole life, was asking him for a chance at a normal life.
Even if it meant Killua was alone again.
Only, he wasn’t really, was he?
He turned the corner to the kitchen, coming face to face with the best thing that'd ever happened to him. The worst thing that'd ever happened to him. Killua's best friend, only possible rival, and biggest regret.
Gon was laughing as he leaned back against the kitchen table. Leorio seemed to be trying to connect the oven to the back wall, his gangly body bent over the appliance, without much success, complaining loudly all the while.
"Let me see that," Killua said, walking into the kitchen proper, and immediately, like a hunting dog sensing its prey, Gon turned to him.
"Killua!" he exclaimed, face breaking into a smile somehow happier than it'd been before and—
Killua couldn't do this. He was going to head back into Alluka's room and plant his forehead on the floor and beg her not to leave him alone with Gon.
Because all it took was that smile — that impossibly happy happiness upon seeing him, that unbridled joy — and everything in Killua ceased to work.
Sometimes he wished he could go back in time and tell his twelve year old self never to get involved with Gon Freecs.
But, three years had passed since then, full of adventures and misadventures, and what Killua had once chalked up to friendship had long since been accepted as something more.
"Hey, Gon," he replied, trying to keep the— the everything from his voice, the fondness and the fear and the awkwardness and the yearning. "Alluka didn't need my help, told me to piss off. Clearly it seems you do need my help, huh, Leorio?"
"I don't need no meddling brats—"
Before he could finish his sentence, Killua had kindly pushed him out of the way, reconnected the cables behind the oven, and turned it on for good measure.
"There. No thanks needed."
"Yeah, yeah, I appreciate it anyways," Leorio waved him off with a tired sigh. "I never thought furnishing a house would be this much work."
"I…" Killua started, paused. "Alluka is really happy. To be living with you. She's never got to live a normal life, but this…"
He fumbled for words. Leorio put a kind hand on his shoulder.
"It's okay, Killua. I'm really happy to have her around too. Your sister's a great kid. Unlike, y'know, you."
Killua took the out that was offered to him, taking the chance to start an argument with Leorio.
Leorio, who was following his dream, almost finished with med school. Who was now taking in Alluka.
Alluka, who was now going to be able to find a dream for herself as well. Art school, maybe, she really liked drawing, or hell, maybe something completely different. She'd have a chance to choose, for once.
Even Nanika was going to be able to live a fuller life. Ever since Kurapika had started training both sisters in Nen, Nanika was further developing her own personality. And now, without any worries, she'd truly flourish.
And from what he'd been hearing, gossiped here and there by Gon and Alluka, even Kurapika of all people seemed to have found some sort of comfort in becoming Alluka's teacher, calling Leorio more and more often in preparation for the move, and only occasionally sounding halfway through a murder!
And that left… Killua.
Back to zero. No dreams for the future. No one to protect. No one to follow. No home he could call his own. No plans, no projects, nothing.
No. He had one thing. The same thing he'd had from the start, from that fateful day in the Hunter Exam.
He had Gon.
Killua could only hope this time, things would go better.
To be fair, it was scary to consider them going any worse.
Killua was quiet.
Well, that wasn't exactly unusual. Killua wasn't the loudest of people. But something about his silence felt unnerving to Gon.
They'd been walking from Leorio's (and Alluka's!) house for a bit now, loosely making their way back to the train station, but mostly aimlessly.
And Killua was quiet. Gon supposed that was to be expected. He'd just said goodbye to his sisters, his constant companions over the past year and a half, leaving them to find their own dreams and paths. It made sense that he'd be a bit sad.
Gon wondered if he'd been the same way when they'd said their goodbyes.
Honestly enough, Gon hadn't thought much about Killua in the beginning of their year apart. Meeting his dad, helping Kite out with the restoration of this or that habitat, and then returning to Whale Island and getting back into the routine of a so-called-normal life had consumed most of his time.
But, as the days had gone on… he'd found himself thinking of Killua more and more often. Wondering where he was right at that moment, what he was doing. Looking out the window in his home, questioning which direction Killua would be in. Landing in a new destination to help Kite, imagining that maybe this time would be the time he'd run into Killua.
In the end, Killua had come to him. It'd felt like forgiveness. And Gon had left everything behind to follow him in his quest of keeping Alluka and Nanika safe from their psycho family. Trying to atone, maybe, even if he knew nothing could take back his previous words and actions.
Which had brought them to the here and now. To a world where Killua's sisters were safe, and Gon and Killua's future together was once again uncertain.
He couldn't let that happen. Not this time. He didn't even want to imagine being without Killua again.
And maybe, this time, if he was unlucky, forever.
"Killua," he said, stopping in his tracks. He bit the inside of his cheek, fists clenched. Why did this feel so hard to say?
Killua stopped a bit ahead, turning towards Gon, a look of surprise on his face. What had he sounded like? Mito had told him that since he returned he could sometimes sound hard. Had he done it again?
"Gon?" he asked, putting his hands in his pockets, leaning back in feigned nonchalance. "What is it?"
"I'm going back to help Kite with his work," he explained, trying not to sound as panicked as he suddenly felt. "He's called me a while back, something about an endangered species in South Saherta."
"Oh," Killua replied, looking sad and crestfallen and lost and no this wasn't it "That's okay, I'll—"
"Come with me!" he blurted out, taking a step forward. "You don't have anything to do now, right? So you can come with me!"
The conversation was… too similar to one they'd shared years back. And yet, why did Gon feel such dread? Back then, under the stars in Whale Island, it’d all seemed so simple. Of course Killua would come with him. They were friends, after all! But now… It felt almost like Gon was pleading.
Killua didn't answer for a short while, his shadow lengthening minutely under the sunset, his face becoming further obscured by shadow, preventing Gon from seeing his feelings.
"Killua? Do you not want to?"
"Of course I'll go with you," Killua replied, his own voice sounding sort of shaky. "You know me, Gon, I could never…"
He cut himself off, turning away from Gon suddenly.
But he'd said enough for Gon to have a pretty good idea of what he'd been about to say. That he could never say no to Gon.
And Gon knew well enough what images would be running through his friend's mind right now. He'd had enough nightmares himself.
"It's not going to be like last time," Gon murmured, a promise more to himself than to Killua.
"I know," he replied in an equally subdued voice, looking down at the asphalt. "You promised me, after all."
"So you do still trust me?"
"Trust you?!" Killua snapped his head up, crossed the short distance that separated them, exasperation clear in his voice. "Gon, I l—... Of course I trust you. Fuck, you're my best friend. I trust you with my life. I have trusted you with my life. Repeatedly!"
Gon couldn't help but smile slightly at that. It was good to know some things didn't change.
"Just, y'know," Killua shrugged, smirking at him. "Maybe I just don't trust you with yours."
"Hey!" he complained, only to be met by Killua's laughter.
It was still one of Gon's favorite sounds. One he'd feared he'd never hear again, once.
"Alright, let's go to Kite's camp!" Killua exclaimed, pumping a fist up in the air. "What is it this time? A weird bird? Some stupid plant? As long as it isn't ants, I'm in!"
As they walked to the train station together, a new objective in mind, Gon excitedly telling Killua all about the mood-reading flower Kite had been studying, he couldn't help but feel a certain sense of excitement.
It was finally him and Killua again. A new adventure in front of them, waiting to begin. It was like the world had suddenly begun to shine brighter.
Huh. Why exactly had this made him quite so happy? Not that he cared that much about the answer. Not when he had Killua laughing next to him.
Killua stood in Kite's camp base, in front of an old wooden bungalow that was apparently being used as a field research center.
Strangely enough, he felt a strong urge to stand up at attention as Kite looked up at him, eyes narrowed. The two stared at each other for a moment, before Kite shrugged.
"You've gotten taller," he said matter-of-factly, already turning away.
"No, I'm pretty sure you got shorter." was out of Killua's mouth before he could stop himself.
Luckily, Kite didn't seem too upset over his reincarnation conundrum, as he didn't pummel Killua's brainless mouth into the ground, simply chuckling instead.
"I suppose I have," He looked back at Killua, a kinder glean in his eyes. "What about you? Did you just get taller? Or wiser, too?"
Killua glanced at Gon, happily greeting the member's of Kite's team off by the campsite.
Not at all , he wanted to reply. I'm here doing this again, am I not?
"Ah well," Kite continued, almost as if he'd read his thoughts. "I'm sure you've grown some. And in any case, it's always good to have more Hunters around, especially of your caliber. You're welcome here, Killua, for as long as you want to stay."
Only after Kite walked off did Killua realize both the compliment and the consideration Kite had extended to him. A Hunter of his caliber was welcome… as long as he wanted to be. Which meant that Killua was free to go if he ever found something better.
Kite was somehow more terrifyingly perceptive now than he'd been before.
And he was right, of course. As much as Killua enjoyed being with Gon, this wasn't a purpose of any kind.
He'd already tried it before. Living for someone else… didn't work out.
Killua walked off, away from the camp, towards the nearby forest. Reconnaissance, in a way, but also a chance to be alone with his thoughts.
He didn't know what he wanted to do. He wasn't like Leorio, with his dreams of helping people. He wasn't even like Kurapika, focused on a goal that he'd lay down his life for.
Not like his siblings, who'd live for the good of the family, or who'd left to find their own paths, also in crime, or in art, or in… he didn't actually know what Illumi was up to these days, and he didn't quite care to ask.
He wasn't even like Hisoka, of all people, who'd found meaning in challenging strong opponents and defeating them.
Not like Kite, focused on returning the natural world to a state before people found it. Not like Wing, who drove fulfillment from the growth of his students, or Zushi, who wanted to be the master at his martial art, or Biscuit, who loved beauty.
Killua sighed.
Not like Gon, who'd find a dream, fulfill it, and then find another, like it was just that easy. For him, it probably was.
He entered a small clearing, a clump of small white flowers blooming in the middle. They seemed to shine slightly under the sunlight, and Killua sat down next to them.
It wasn't that there weren't things he liked or enjoyed. He didn't mind fighting, but it was usually more of a means to an end than something he did for the pleasure of it. He had some knowledge of electronics, but it was more of a convenience for when he had to charge up. He liked chocolate, but who didn't?
None of those things felt like the kind of Hunter he wanted to be. Not a Combat Hunter, or a Tech Hunter, or a Gourmet Hunter.
But it was right there, in the first rule of being a Hunter. 'A Hunter must always be on the hunt for something'.
Well, Killua supposed, looking at the flowers next to him, he could always be a Purpose Hunter.
Fuck, that sounded lame.
"Oh, there you are!" Gon's voice interrupted his thoughts as he strode into the clearing. "I see you've found the flowers we're studying."
Killua glanced at the flowers, now a light silver. "Oh, these?"
"Yeah," Gon replied, looking at the flowers. "Kite can explain this better, but they basically change color depending on the mood of the people around them."
He wondered what this silvery color meant.
"Don't worry," Gon said, suddenly a lot closer, crouching down next to Killua. "Kite has a glossary back at camp. All I can ever really remember is that yellow is happy."
Killua could imagine the flowers turning bright yellow just by Gon's presence.
He supposed he did do the same. Gon could have brought a lot of trouble into his life, but it wasn't like it was all he'd brought. He'd brought shadows, sure, but that was just because of the infinite amount of light .
Gon was fun personified. He was happiness and joy. He was sparring matches and adventures. He was the glow of the Sun. He was the friends Killua had made, and the capability of making friends in the first place. He was sleepless nights spent under stars, and snoring limbs thrown over him under warm covers. He was the newfound taste of victory, and the joy of having someone to share it with.
Gon was… Killua would never let him be everything anymore. But Gon was still Killua's delight.
"Huh," Gon said quietly as Killua had gotten lost looking at him. "Wonder what that one means."
Killua glanced back at the flowers Gon was still looking at and—
A single flower, the one closest to Killua, shone the brightest, gentlest pink he'd ever seen. Amidst a cloud of an almost dull silver by comparison, it shone bright like a shooting star.
Pink, just like he was sure his face currently was.
"I sure wonder!" he exclaimed loudly, getting up and turning away, wanting to run from the clearing, from Gon, from heart-reading flowers. "We should get back to camp, Kite might need us!"
If Gon found his behavior suspicious, he didn't ask. With his usual smile on his face, he simply agreed.
And if Killua caught Gon mouthing the word 'pink?' as they walked away, he didn't question him either.
Some things were better left undisturbed.