Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You know I used to have a crush on you.” 

The words stopped Anya dead in her tracks. He said the words so casually it was almost cruel. 

Used to.

The words rang painfully in her head as she watched him laugh his own words off. She can’t remember what they had even been talking about for him to have brought that up. But she couldn’t care to remember because her world was crumbling and shifting around her now. 

Because now there was before Damian Desmond confessed he used to like her. And then there was after. 

She realized she was being too quiet, she was never quiet, all she did was talk. It was weird. She had to say something. But what? What could she possibly say to that?  

Her throat was dry. She felt like she was choking and desperately needed to cough or drink something. Why hadn’t she taken his offer up on that coffee earlier? She really could’ve used the sugar now. 

But coffee always made her shaky and she was already naturally energetic and it made her unfocused and gave her a bad stomachache later and they had a paper to write and her best friend had just confessed to once upon a time having a crush on her and coffee would’ve definitely made her blurt out something stupid — like her all consuming big fat crush on him that she’s been doing a good job at keeping locked away in the deepest darkest pits of her heart. 

And she suddenly remembered what they had been talking about that had made some twisted part of his brain utter those world shattering words. 

George Glooman, her current mortal enemy, a war criminal who had the gall to confess to her best friend — Becky not Damian — after years of obvious pining. Up until Damian had ruined everything she had been supportive of their mutual friends' confession but now she hoped he faced cold hard rejection from the resident Eden beauty.

He was indirectly responsible for her current suffering and she’d make sure to pay him back with a good flick on that forehead for this. 

And Damian was looking at her funny now — she had to speak. 

“Before or after I punched you?” She found herself spluttering out. 

He laughed, that casual laugh that had become her favorite sound, not the condescending laugh he used whenever he saw her fail a test or trip on air, “After.” 

After?! 

Well logically it made sense,  they hardly knew each other before but still she couldn’t really picture what was going through his head at the time to have found any part of her punching him likable. 

“You’re not a masochist are you?” She should probably shut up but heart was racing so fast and so loud she couldn’t hear logic. 

“No, just a spoiled little scion who needed a good ego check.” He grinned. 

They were nearing the library now and Anya couldn’t help but be immediately overcome with claustrophobia. She usually hated the stuffy old building but today it seemed even more daunting than usual. Sitting side by side in the small enclosed space in between the bindings of Shakespeare didn't sound appealing, especially not when her mind was dwelling on her own tragic forbidden love. 

“I just remembered, Becky wanted to talk about… a thing.” She practically skidded to a stop just before the steps of the library. Has there always been that many stairs? From her perspective they seemed to go up into the heavens. 

“A thing?” He looked confused, annoyed and curious, with a raised brow. 

“Yeah, you know, a thing. I promise I’ll work on my part of the paper tonight. I’ll see you later.” She couldn’t stick around, not without risking him asking more questions and picking up on her sudden awkwardness. 

She practically ran for life and didn’t stop once she was off campus. She ran all the way to Becky’s — glad she had put up with all those years of endurance training Mama had put her through to prepare her for her sudden marathon. She must have beat some world record with the speed in which she arrived at her home on the other side of town. 

She was a heaving sweaty mess when Becky opened her bedroom door. 

“Damian had a crush on me.” Is all Anya stated as she met her best friend's eyes. She pushed past her, entering the room like it was hers and made her way to Becky’s bed. Grabbed the pillow she used when she slept over and promptly pushed her face into it, screaming her lungs out. 

Becky let her scream it out, rubbing circles on her back in comfort. 

“Did you just figure that out or did he finally pull his head out his ass?” Was all Becky said as Anya finally let out her final cry and lifted her red face from the fluffy pillow. 

“He just told me. Quote - ‘ I used to have a crush on you ’ - end quote.” Anya lowered her head back into the pillow but withheld from screaming in fear she’d tear her esophagus, it was already way past its limit. Especially since she was out of breath from her sudden run here and was currently seeing stars. 

Becky looked at her like she’d just stated something so obvious but played along, “Okay, so what happened after that?” 

“Well I- wait, why aren’t you more surprised about this? I just told you Damian Desmond once had a crush on me and you’re acting like I just told you the sky is blue.” 

“Might as well have,” Becky mumbled, “Anya, I’ve known since 1st grade. It wasn’t exactly a secret.” 

Anya gaped like a fish, “What do you mean? Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“I did! Multiple times! Why do you think I locked you guys in my closet on my 13th birthday! I thought it was obvious!” 

“It wasn’t!” Anya hissed, standing from the bed and beginning to pace. “What am I going to do?” 

“What do you mean? He didn’t bend you backwards with a big ole kiss that would make Hollywood romance directors jealous after he confessed?” 

Anya blushed at the imagery, “No why would he do that? We’re just friends.” 

“So unbecome friends and become lovers? I swear you are hopeless.” She said with a roll of her eyes. 

“Didn’t you hear the part where I said he used to like me? As in past tense!” 

Becky still looked at her like she wasn’t understanding the issue. 

“And need I remind you of the other thing. ” Anya’s heart clenched. 

Becky narrowed her eyes as she finally understood, “Right. I just assumed that wasn’t an issue anymore.” 

Flopping down back beside her on the bed, her eyes began tearing up and her throat thickened with the sob that was fighting its way out of her, “Well, it is…” 

Becky sighed, laying back beside her and holding her hand, “I’ll kill Desmond.” She muttered. 

“Why has Blackbell been glaring at me like she wants to murder me more than usual.” 

Anya jumped out of her skin as Damian suddenly materialized at her side. His hand was on her shoulder as he leaned around her to grab a lunch tray and the spot burned where his palm rested. 

“Oh uh-” She searched for an excuse quickly, she of course wasn’t going to tell him it was because of what he had said to her the day before. “Sorry, I told her you were the one to encourage George to confess to her.” 

He glared at her but seemed to buy the excuse, “We both know you're the culprit for that but fine, I’ll take the heat for you. But you owe me. Was that the thing you two had to talk about?” 

“What thing?” She asked dumbly, her focus now on the mouthwatering lasagna in front of her. 

“The thing you ditched me for yesterday?” He quirked a brow in confusion. 

“OH! Yeah it was.” She quickly muttered and turned to find a table after obtaining her lasagna.  

Becky was actively avoiding public spaces in fear of running into George so Anya was left to find a spot to sit on her own. Usually in cases like this she’d squeeze into the same table as Damian and his buddies but that was the last thing she wanted to do right now. Especially since—

“Damian!” A bubbly voice called out. 

— she was around. 

Amelia Newman. Damian's girlfriend. Who he likes— present tense. 

She was a strawberry blonde beauty with bambi doe eyed brown eyes. Freckles lightly dotted across her cheeks and nose and her dimples popped out each time she smiled, which was almost always. She wasn’t a bombshell beauty like Becky but more like your pretty next door neighbor you had a crush on. 

Anya ignored the soft smile Damian gave her as she approached. 

“We’re sitting over there,” She pointed over to the table where Ewen and Emile were sitting, scarfing down their lunches. “Are you joining us, Anya?” 

Anya quickly scanned the lunch room for an alibi - her eyes landed on Bill's large form where he sat surrounded by the Wald Hall kids and the empty table where George sat pathetically eating his soup— who ate soup when it was this hot out? She was good friends with Bill but the Wald Hall kids were all pretentious snobby kids worse than the Cecil Hall kids and George’s forehead was calling to her. 

“No, I think I’m going to go comfort George,” She nodded over to him in the corner. 

Amelia gasped, covering her mouth to lean in and whisper, “Did Becky reject him already?” 

Anya smiled stiffly, “Not yet but it’s best to go comfort him now so the blow isn’t so bad.” 

“You're such a good friend Anya.” Amelia smiled genuinely, moved by Anya's false sincerity. She couldn’t help but flinch in guilt for crushing over her boyfriend. 

The worst part of this whole thing was that up until Damian's not-so-confession confession, Anya had genuinely liked Amelia. She was actually really nice, practically a saint. She had sought out Anya and befriended her all on her own back when she had transferred in during their 9th year. Despite the rumors and warnings of their peers that Anya was nothing but trouble, she had been adamant in befriending her and had joined their little group shortly after. 

But things between them grew more distant the closer she had gotten to Damian and now things were in a weird limbo spot. 

“Don’t punch him.” Damian winked as he and Amelia walked over to their table. 

Anya pushed past her flipping stomach and made her way over to George. He looked up hopefully as she approached and it almost made her not flick his forehead with how adorable he looked… almost. 

“Ow!” He flinched when she reached over, “What was that for?” 

“For your war crimes!” She hissed as she sat down in front of him. “Why do you boys go and open your dumb mouths and make weird out of nowhere confessions and make things weird between your friends!” 

“You’re the one who told me to confess!” 

“I said, You only live once! ” She defended her participation in his mess. “By the way, do you think I can trademark that saying? Seems pretty catchy.” 

“I don’t think it’ll catch on.” He shook his head. 

She sighed now out of a career and with a broken heart. Maybe she should’ve sucked up some courage and joined Becky in the library. She definitely wasn’t hungry for the lasagna anymore. 

“Why do you look like you’ve received terrible news?” George sipped his soup and questioned, “Desmond finally cut you loose?” 

Anya jumped at his words, “What the heck are you talking about Glooman?” 

George shrugged awkwardly, avoiding her eyes, “I don’t know. I just figured he’d start distancing himself from you now that he and Amelia were dating.” 

“Why would he do that? We’re just friends.” She laughed but her laugh sounded fake even to her, did he know too ? 

He looked at her unimpressed, “Girl please, we all know he’s been in love with you since 1st grade.” 

Anya threw her hands up in frustration, “Did everyone know but me?!” 

“Yeah-And I meant that past tense or at least he’s doing a better job at moving on now.” He nodded over towards Damian and Amelia who were currently sitting shoulder to shoulder laughing about something Emile was doing. Occasionally one of them would lean in too close and they catch the others eyes and they’d smile like fools at one another. 

Once upon a time, that had been Anya sitting right next to Damian. She wondered if he had ever looked at her like that and she had been too oblivious to notice. 

Anya turned back around, “If I told you to kill me with your spoon would you do it?” 

“No?” 

She shoved a fork full of cold lasagna down her own throat instead, she needed fuel. 

“So has Becky said anything…” He swirled his soup now, blushing as he looked down into it. 

“George, I’m not going to tell you anything. She said she would respond when she was ready.” She sighed, remembering that two of her closest friends were currently going through their own melodrama and here she was pining for her best friend. Maybe she should write her life's story and publish it as a trashy romance novel. 

Still, couldn’t help but feel sorry for George, afterall, she had in fact been the one to encourage him into confessing. 

George Glooman had come a long way from the boy he was back in 1st grade. Now she wasn’t one to judge anyone for their looks but once upon a time he had been a bit of an ugly duckling. However, puberty had been kind to him and he was now ranking somewhere around the average and cute section of a looks poll. (Damian was by far better looking, sitting handsomely at number one if you were to ask her). 

And Becky’s feelings for George were complicated. She no longer saw him like a bug and the two of them had become good friends over the years. And apparently, George was somewhat of a good kisser. At the same party Becky had locked her and Damian in a closet, they’d been caught by a spin the bottle game and after seven minutes of heaven, Becky had returned from the closet of a new woman. No one was sure how George had managed to become a pro kisser at the age of thirteen — he claimed being naturally gifted — but Anya knew he’d been practicing kissing a mirror and his hand and just about anything for a good year in preparation for that moment.  

Becky thought about their kiss a lot and Anya wondered if that was the reason she hadn’t flat out rejected poor George on the spot.

And that’s why Anya had made the dumb mistake of making George believe he had a fraction of a chance and why Damian Desmond had decided to ruin her life with his own impromptu non-confession. 

“Why wasn’t I born with time travel abilities?” She mumbled. 

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” 

“Why the long face chihuahua girl?” 

“I’m having a half quarter life crisis.” 

“Bummer.” Uncle Yuri didn’t have an ounce of sympathy for his suffering niece as he laid out books on her desk, “Yor said you were asking about these books for a project.” 

Anya glanced at the titles of the old books and nodded, since she was avoiding Damian, that meant she had to put in more work alone into their paper. For once she was happy to do homework if it gave her an appropriate distraction. “Thanks.” 

Yuri nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets and heading back out of her room. But he stopped at the doorway, sighed, and turned back around, “What’s the problem?” 

Over the years the two of them had become close. At first she had been nothing but a nuisance to him, a rival that stole Yor’s attention and affection. But years of taking over as her dedicated tutor and their mutual love for noir films had brought them close to being a real uncle and niece duo. Besides Becky, Yuri was the second person Anya trusted most with her thoughts and feelings. She’s not sure when confiding in Mama or Papa began to get awkward but Yuri was always honest and even if he had the most judgmental look on his face — his advice always helped. 

She sighed, turning on her chair towards him, bringing up her knees to her chest, “It’s about a boy.” She warned him, they had yet to have this type of conversation and she wondered if he would react differently or send her over to Mama. 

He looked unimpressed by the topic but didn’t turn to leave, “Is this about that Desmond boy? ” 

She narrowed her eyes, “Yes… how did you know?” 

He looked at her with a knowing look, “You know who I am and what I do for a living, right?” 

Anya groaned and hid in her knees, great, so it had been obvious to everyone in the world but her. No wonder Damian had given up on her. She was a major idiot. 

“So what’s the problem? He hurt you? Want me to kidnap him and torture him?” 

“Tempting but no.” She mumbled, “I just found out he used to have a crush on me and it’s completely ruined everything.” 

“Used to?” He quirked a brow in confusion like the math wasn’t mathing, “Did he say that or are you just assuming that.”  

“He said it, with his own words and everything.” 

“Hmm…” He narrowed his eyes in disbelief, “And let me guess, you had no clue about his very obvious crush?”

She grit her teeth, “Correct.” 

“And now, you’ve been confronted about your own feelings but don’t know what to do because he spoke in past tense and therefore you assume he doesn’t currently have any feelings for you but you do so things are awkward.” 

“Yes. And he currently has a girlfriend.” She added gloomily. 

“Well that does complicate things.” 

“Yeah…” 

“Well if you’re not going to make a move and he’s moving on, there really isn't anything you can do but try to move on yourself.”  

Her face fell at his words. It was the most logical thing to do but she didn’t like it. 

“Aren’t you supposed to - I don’t know - tell me not to give up and make a move anyways because I’ll never know if I still have a chance if I don’t try.” 

“Why would I tell you that if there's a 90% chance of failure?” 

“Because the 10%. There's a 10% chance it will work out. And if I’m wrong it will completely ruin my friendship with him forever but if by some miracle the 10% is right then things will work out and he will still have feelings for me.” 

He grinned smugly, “Seems like you got the math all figured out. Not much I need to say.” He ruffled her hair, “Come on, Loidy said dinner was almost ready.” 

She gaped as he walked out and then ran after him once the realization of what he had just done hit her.

“You did not just do your secret police manipulation thing on me!”

“Oh I just did.” 

“Yuri, no manipulation tactics before dinner, it will make the food taste bad.” Yor scolded as they entered the main room. 

“I think it adds a little flavor.” 

“Yuck, I think this is booger flavored.” 

“Gross.” 

On Wednesdays, Anya and Emile laid out on the grass under the big tree at the back of the campus sharing a bag of candy. This tradition started one day back in their 8th year when Anya had been snacking on some peanuts under the tree. Somehow Emile had pried himself off Damian's hip and found himself wandering around alone. He had a bag of sweet gummies on him and the two of them fell into a debate over sweet vs salty snacks. 

Today Emile had brought a bag of mystery flavored jelly beans and they each took turns reaching into the bag seeing who could pull the most gross flavors. 

“I got lemon.” Anya smiled as the citrus flavor melted on her tongue. “Did you know that some people say that your first kiss tastes like lemon?” 

“That’s not true.” Emile said confidently, his fingers searching around the bag for a bean, Anya tried not to think too hard about his hands touching all the jellies. “Damian said it tastes like bubble gum.” 

Anya cringed, this was the down side of hanging out with Emile. Damian was always on the tip of their tongues. There hasn’t been a Wednesday that he didn’t come up somehow. For obvious reasons, Anya didn’t want to talk about him more than ever. 

“Yeah well if Damian told you the moon was made of milk you would believe him.” The words came out harsher than she intended but Emile laughed it off. 

“Probably. But out of the two of us, he does have the most experienc—” Suddenly Emile sat up, “Wait, you haven’t had your first kiss?” 

Anya blushed, “That’s none of your business.” 

He grinned, “Come on, we’re snack buddies, you don’t have to be embarrassed about anything. Heck, if it makes you feel better neither have I.” He shrugged. 

“It does not but thanks for the moral support.” She deadpanned, glaring up at the branches and leaves above her. 

“Don’t get grumpy because you’re in the virgin kissing club.” 

“Don’t associate me with you.” 

“Can you believe we live in a world where George Glooman has kissed someone before us.” Emile laid back with a groan, “Talk about embarrassing.” 

“Hey—George is a good kid. He’s just as kissable as anyone.” Anya didn’t know why she was still defending her mortal enemy but she usually didn’t like people talking about him like he was some weirdo or creep. He might have gotten better looking but his personality was still the same.  

“Would you kiss him?” Emile asked curiously. 

Anya pondered, “Hypothetically? Yeah I might. Becky did say he was a good kisser. What about you?” She raised a brow in his direction. 

He thought for a moment, searching for the answer in the leaves above them, “Yeah I probably would too.” 

Anya smiled. 

“Okay what about Becky? Would you kiss her?” Emile suddenly asked, apparently they were playing a new game, jelly beans laying forgotten between them. 

“Oh hell yeah.” Anya answered without hesitance, “You know I almost asked her to be my first kiss? But I was too embarrassed and chickened out.” 

Emile tsked, “She probably would have done it happily.” 

“Yeah but what if it awoke something in me? And then I would have another crush on a frien—” She quickly snapped her lips shut. She began to pray he didn’t pick up on what she meant. 

“Another?” God was not on her side, “Who do you have a crush on?” 

Anya began to sweat as she scrambled to answer, “Someone who doesn’t go here. We met a long time ago when I saved him from drowning. His names Ken.” She lied. 

In reality, Ken had a girlfriend who was actually really nice and they were adorable together but she had to save herself from this mess. And thankfully no one from Eden knew about him besides Becky. 

She needed to change the topic, “Okay what about Bill? Would you kiss him?” 

Emile grew silent and Anya peaked over to him to see his face pinked by his blush. 

“Oh my god, do you have a crush on Bill?” She snapped up excitedly. “I totally thought you would have had a crush on Ewen or Damian!” 

“Yeah well you’re not the only one afraid of awakening feelings for friends!” 

“Touché!” She nodded, laying back down. “You know me and Bill are good friends. I can maybe help set something up?” 

“No thanks, I could never make a move on him. He’s got like a super scary military family. I doubt he’d be happy to know I’m into him.” 

Anya couldn’t fault him for the fear but she had inside knowledge that he did not so she reached out and patted his shoulder, “Well he might surprise you. You don’t want to hold onto feelings and regret never speaking up on them.” 

Emile sighed, “You sound just like Damian.” 

Anya stiffened, great they were back to Damian. 

“Yeah I’ve probably spent too much time with him.” 

The both of them grew silent as their game came to an end. Anya was back to her gloomy self as her thoughts were back at the source of all her problems. 

“Hey Anya…” Emile suddenly spoke. Anya turned to meet his eyes and was shocked by the sudden sincerity she saw, “You know I’m rooting for you right?” 

Of course he knew. Everyone knew. She shouldn’t be surprised by now. 

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. Other than her first breakdown at Becky’s, she’d had a strong hold over her emotions over the past couple of days. But Emile looked at her with such support and comfort that it filled her with so much emotion. The box she kept locked and keyed with all her feelings suddenly opened. She found herself silently crying beside him. 

He let her cry, not saying anything further or pressuring her to speak. He was simply there and that was enough.

“Hey gu- Anya what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Damian always chose the worst moments to appear. Both of them sat up as Anya turned away from him, wiping her eyes. He was the last person she wanted to see her cry. 

“Her friend Ken died.” Emile quickly covered and suddenly Ken was dead, sorry Ken. It seemed she fake crushed on him for nothing. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Damian knelt down beside her, rubbing her shoulder, “Are you okay? Do you want me to tell the professors you don’t feel good so you can leave early.” 

Anya sniffed and turned back around to face him, she couldn’t keep avoiding him or he’d grow suspicious. She at least hoped she didn’t look  like a complete disaster. “I’m okay. It happened a while ago. I just happened to remember him…” Her eyes looked around and found the half eaten bag of jelly beans, “He really liked jelly beans.” 

“Oh.” He glanced over, as if now just realizing it was there, “Well if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.” 

She smiled, hoping he believed it, “Yeah I know, thanks.” 

She stood up. She needed to get out of here fast. “I should go find Becky.” Before she walked away she turned to glance back down at Emile and smiled, genuinely, “Thanks Emile.” 

I’m rooting for you too. 

“Am I just going to starve until I answer him?” 

Becky was peeking into the lunch room, stomach rumbling loudly as she watched George go down the lunch line. Meanwhile Anya was battling a headache. She was still at a loss of what to do with Damian. It’s not like she could just go up to him and confront him. 

Anya sighed, “Want me to go in and sneak you out some food?” 

“You know that will cost you a bolt if you get caught, right?” 

“I’ll be right back.” Anya couldn’t find it in her to care about earning her 7th bolt at the moment. 

She paused upon approaching the line, Amelia was last in line, which meant Anya would be standing right behind her. Which meant that if Amelia took notice of her, Anya would be forced to talk to her. 

Looking around it didn’t seem like anyone was getting in line soon so she really had no choice but to continue on and cross her fingers. 

“Hi Anya.” Of course George greeted her as he passed by. She was gonna flick his forehead again later. 

Amelia quickly turned around and grinned upon seeing her, “Anya! Why are you standing back here silently?” 

Anya matched her wide grin with a fake one of her own, “I just got here.” 

Amelia looped her arm with hers as they waited for the line to move, “I feel like we haven’t talked in a while, are you avoiding me?” She pouted. 

“No of course not! You know it’s just everything going on with Becky and George…” Anya waved her hand, “Things have just been a little hectic trying to mediate between the two of them…” 

 “Oh I completely understand. I hope things work out for them. I think they’d make a cute couple. Though, if I’m being completely honest, I thought you and George were a thing.” 

Anya somehow choked on her spit, because what ?! “What?! Me and George?! No way.” 

Amelia laughed, patting her back, “Yeah Damian reacted the same when I told him. But can you blame me? The two of you were acting so suspicious, sneaking around like you were hiding something.” 

Anya might as well tattoo ‘ Anya’s Property ’ on George's forehead with how frequent her finger would be meeting it. 

“Yeah, no, he’s really not my type.”

It was the wrong thing to say because Amelia's eyes lit up curiously, “Oh, so who is your type?” 

Oh you know, just tall, grumpy, cocky, academically intelligent, good at sports, piercing hazel eyes and long lashes and your boyfriend. 

Anya shrugged, “Tall I guess.” 

Amelia laughed, “There's a number of tall guys around for your choosing but that’s good to hear. I wasn’t expecting that at all.” 

“What did you expect?” Anya peaked over at her curiously, did she know? Most of the people who knew had all been present in her life since she was 4 (on paper 6) so she really wasn’t surprised for them to have all caught on. But Amelia was newer, didn’t know them as well, and was just as oblivious as Anya it seemed. 

Amelia thought for a moment, “Someone kind but strong. Someone who could keep up with your energy and compliments your sense of humor with their own quick quips. Someone you could call a best friend before lover. What do you think?” She tilted her head innocently. 

Anya blinked, shocked by her detailed response, “Yeah… that sounds… nice…” 

She wonders if she realized she’d just described Damian. 

Anya didn’t get caught sneaking food out of the lunch room which was lucky for her because after parting with Amelia she felt like a criminal - walking away looking nothing but guilty from the scene of a crime. 

“What took you so long?” Becky complained as she stuffed her face with the turkey sandwich. 

“I was having a touching conversation with Amelia.” Anya sighed, plopping down on the bench beside her. 

“Was it enlightening?” Becky mocked, she’s never been the biggest Amelia fan. 

Anya didn’t respond. The guilt turning inside her stomach made her feel nauseous. She had to look away from Becky eating. 

There’s no way she could confront Damian about her feelings. Not when doing so would lead to hurting Amelia. And whether Damian returned her feelings or not, it would surely hurt her. And she didn’t deserve that. Not when she had been so kind to her. And not after she had asked so nicely. 

“Becky, I messed up.” 

“I’ll say, you know I don’t like mayo.” She fake gagged. 

“No, I mean, I messed up with Amelia and Damian.” 

A few months ago, Amelia had stopped speaking to her out of the blue. It had hurt, Anya thought they were well on their way to becoming best friends and suddenly she was giving her the cold shoulder. What was worse was that she hadn’t a clue what she had done to upset her. Not feeling comfortable with the distance between them, she eventually cornered Amelia one day to work out whatever problem they were having. 

It was then that Amelia had confessed to her that she had feelings for Damian.

“Why would that bother me?” Anya had tilted her head in confusion. During this time Anya was still wrestling with the meaning of her own feelings and had been in full denial about them. She would’ve said anything to deny them. Which was exactly what she did. 

“Aren’t the two of you dating?” Amelia had looked confused by Anya’s question, like she’d just stated that water tasted like grapes.  

Anya remembers bursting into loud laughter, “Me and Sy-on boy dating? No way! Never!” 

Fully in denial, Anya hadn’t thought twice about her words as she said them. Not at all ashamed or embarrassed by who heard or what they might think. She did not have a crush on her best friend. She did not think about how pretty his long lashes looked resting on his cheeks when he napped or the soft hands he used to brush away strands of hair that fell onto her face. Nope! Not at all! 

The problem was that they were standing in the middle of campus, mid-day, and one glance behind her would’ve told her that Damian was standing right behind her. She often wondered what his face looked like when he heard her say that. And upon second thought, she really didn’t want to know.  

A month later, Amelia confessed to Damian. And the two of them began dating. 

And Anya cried herself to sleep having realized her feelings too late. 

“Yeah, not your brightest moment.” Becky sighed, “What am going to do with George? What if I reject him and then he starts dating a less than prettier version of me and I realize I’ve loved him all this time and I end up just like you.” 

“Ouch.” 

“Sorry.” 

They both sighed. 

“What a pair we are.” Becky smiled over at her. 

“Well at least we have each other.” 

Damian and Anya really had to finish their paper so after days of trying to avoid him she finally admitted defeat and they ended up back at her house. She suggested going there to work on it, refusing to be trapped in the small enclosed space of the library and hoping their large dining table would provide her some room to breathe and keep a clear head. 

Damian had been quieter than usual on their walk over and they hadn’t spoken more than a few words about the assignment. 

Currently he was typing up the paper on their typewriter while Anya finished off their final notes. 

She got the feeling that he wanted to say something but was holding back. She hadn’t exactly been subtle about avoiding him as she would’ve liked so no doubt he was itching to find out what was wrong but for some reason he wasn’t grilling her for answers. 

The door opened and the sound of Uncle Yuri and Papa’s voices filled the room as they entered. 

“Oh— hello Damian, how are you?” Papa asked, hanging up his coat and dropping his briefcase at the door. 

“I’m doing well pops,” Damian responded with a polite grin. For some reason the two of them really got along well and Anya always laughed at his weird nickname for her father. “Hello.” He said more seriously to Uncle Yuri, who sent Anya a raised brow. 

Anya quickly shook her head—a move that Papa definitely picked up on as he raised his own brow between them.  

“Hi.” Yuri coldly greeted him and to Anya, “Do you still need my help on your math tonight?” 

Anya blushed and peaked over to Damian. It wasn’t exactly a secret that she was a bit slower in school than the rest of the class but for some reason she had always felt the need to hide the fact that she needed a very serious tutor to just keep up. 

But it was Damian and even though it made her feel inferior letting him in on the secret, she knew that he wouldn’t tell anyone. 

“Yeah, we’re almost done with this paper.” 

Yuri sticking around actually helped her out more than just the math. It would help her avoid whatever serious conversation she needed to have with Damian. 

He nodded and walked past them to the living room to sit on the couch, flipping on the tv. 

“I’ll get you guys a snack.” Papa returned from his room, sleeves rolled up and his hair messily falling on his forehead. 

“Thanks Papa.” 

Anya and Damian went back to working silently. She tried her best to avoid Uncle Yuri's pointed looks and nods. There was no way she was going to talk with him and Papa around. Though they would probably swoop in to save her from embarrassment if she botched it. The thought was tempting but she kept her mouth sealed. 

“Are you sure you can’t stay for supper?” Papa asked as they stood in the foyer, saying goodbye to Damian. 

“The housemaster would like for us all to be there for muster.” Damian refused, “But thank you.” 

“Okay, well have a good night Damian.” Papa smiled and elbowed Anya, “Why don’t you walk him down Anya?” 

Anya gave him a panicked look but he ignored it, turning on his heel. Traitor. 

She had no choice but to quickly follow Damian down the hall to the stairs. 

They were silent on their way down, their shoes on the wooden stairs and the chatter of her neighbors having dinner inside their homes filling the air. 

They reached the front door without a word. 

Damian sighed, “Well goodnight Anya.” 

She watched silently as he walked down the final steps before she got the courage to call out to him, “Damian— wait…” 

He turned, a hopeful gleam in his eyes, “Yes?” 

Anya froze, was she really about to do this? 

“G-good night.” 

The look of disappointment on his face seared her brain and she cried herself to sleep that night thinking about how she never wanted to see it ever again. 

Damian didn’t talk to her after that. They turned in their project — perfect scores of course because everything Damian did was perfect — but they no longer had any reason to hang out with each other. And with the way things currently were, neither of them would make the move to make amends any time soon. Which was funny because they weren’t even really fighting. Just avoiding each other… 

“Earth to Anya.” Becky waved a hand in front of her face, snapping her out of her self hate. 

“Sorry, what?” 

Becky sighed, “I said, I’m going to answer George today.” 

Anya immediately perked up, “What are you going to say?” 

She needed to know if the next time she saw him whether she should give him a hi-five or a comforting hug. 

“I hope you don’t mind if I tell him my decision first…” Becky at least looked apologetic as she said this - which Anya felt was ridiculous because that was perfectly valid. 

“Of course I don’t mind.” Anya hugged her. She hoped that whatever she decided, she was doing what she thought was best for herself and that it would not be a choice she regretted later. 

“Thanks and if you like, you can watch from a distance.” She winked, acting like her usual confident self but Anya could see the slight nervousness shining through her bright smile. 

It was kind of comforting to know that someone as confident and beautiful as Becky also got nervous. 

Anya found herself sitting back under her and Emile's tree. 

In the distance she could see Becky and George sitting on a bench. She wasn’t sure why her stomach was fluttering with butterflies. 

She heard the footsteps approaching and didn’t need to look over to know who it was. She would know it was him with her eyes closed in a room full of people. 

He didn’t say anything as he took a seat beside her. 

They sat watching the two of their friends below. The conversation seemed rather serious. The both of them looked ready to run or pass out at any moment. Anya held her breath and for a moment completely forgot Damian was sitting beside her. 

And then suddenly, George jumped up from his seat and even from where she sat, she could see the massive grin on his face. 

Anya breathed out a sigh of relief. 

“Way to go Glooman.” Damian finally muttered, a smile dancing on his lips. 

George ran off, practically skipping, and Becky approached them with a shy red face. 

Anya knew the answer but she had to ask, “So…?” 

“I told him we could go on a few dates and see where things go.” She replied, blushing, her own lips twitching in a smile. “His reaction was pretty cute wasn’t it?” 

“Blackbell I’d be hard pressed to find any man who doesn’t react that way to you.” Damian laughed. “You’re just in love.” 

“Shut it Desmond.” Becky looked over to Anya and rolled her eyes at her best friend's massive grin. “Go ahead and say it.” 

“I knew it.” 

“Whatever.” She smiled, “I promised to go get coffee with him. So I’ll call you later.” 

“Okay.” Anya grinned, it was the first time in a while she had felt genuine happiness. 

And it was quickly gone once Becky was out of sight and she was still sitting beside Damian. 

“So… are we going to talk about what's going on with you?” Damian asked before she could find an excuse to run away. 

“What do you mean?” She played dumb. 

The look of disappointment was back but this time he didn’t let it stop him from getting answers. “You know what I mean Anya. Why have you been avoiding me? Is it because of what I said the other day? Did it make you uncomfortable? I can’t know what to apologize for if you won’t talk to me.” 

His insistent pushing was making her angry. They often found themselves quick to argue but this time it was different. Because he did need to apologize. She wanted him to get on his knees and say sorry. To take back his words or take responsibility for the hole in her heart that has been killing her since he uttered those words. 

But more importantly, she wanted him to say he still liked her. 

“Are you just going to keep ignoring me?” He pressed again. Frustration was clear on his face now, not an unfamiliar sight for her. 

“What do you want me to say Damian?” She finally spat, “Do you want me to tell you how confused I’ve been since you said that to me? How I can’t sleep at night because all I hear are the words you said ringing in my ears? How much it hurt that my best friend decided to ruin our friendship.” 

Damian looked hurt by her final words, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that my past feelings were such a burden…” 

“D-don’t do that.” Anya shook her head, “Don’t make me feel worse. Why didn’t you say anything? Why did you let me sit here like an idiot all these years while you and everyone laughed about how oblivious I was.” 

“Why? Are you seriously asking me that? Anya, you were so repulsed by the thought of ever dating me. I had always known you didn’t see me like that and I had accepted it long before I got with Amelia. But you would have rather died than ever accept the fact that I might like you. Tell me, what would you have done if I had confessed to you?” 

Anya stared at him dumbfoundedly - because what would she have done? A year ago, would she have been like Becky? Avoiding him for days until finally giving him a chance? Would she have figured out her feelings then? Or would she have rejected him? Oblivious to her own heart and ruining their friendship like she was right now? 

She knew the answer.

And she hated herself for it.. 

“I would’ve told you, t-that I liked things the way they were.” She couldn’t look at him, looking down at her knees instead. She wouldn’t have wanted to risk losing her best friend. She would’ve desperately fought for things to go back to the way they were. 

But now things would never go back to the way as it was.

No matter how desperately she wished for it. 

She heard him stand and he towered over her, his voice thick as he spoke, “I figured as much.” He sighed, “I want to show you something.” He murmured and she finally looked up to see him rounding the tree. She stood on shaky knees and followed him around the tree. 

There, carved on the tree, was a heart and inside it, two letters. 

D + A 

“I carved this back in 7th grade.” He said and Anya realized he was crying, “You used to always nap under this tree and I would always watch you from a window. One day, I snuck back here and carved this here, hoping that one day you might feel adventurous and make your way back here and see it. And I hoped that you would feel the way I feel.” He murmured, “Anya, you were my first love. But you broke my heart. And I won’t be sorry for trying to mend it and move on. I’m sorry for saying that the other day but I don’t regret it. Because my feelings for you have weighed heavily on me for years. And I’m tired of carrying the weight of you.” 

She didn’t watch him leave. 

Hot tears rolled down her eyes making her sight blurry as she lifted her hands to trace the carved letters. 

His feelings had always been there, just a bit out of sight for her to see. 

“Anya, you have a phone call.”

She looked up in surprise at her mothers voice, she stood by the phone looking at her worriedly. She must have been trying to call her attention for several minutes now. 

She felt Papa’s eyes on her as she walked over to the phone, already knowing it was Becky on the other end. 

“Hello?” She murmured into the receiver, knowing that both her parents were more than likely trying to listen in.

“Okay I’ve given you enough time to wallow in your misery. You’re coming out tonight. No ifs and buts!” Becky barked over the line, “George got a bunch of tickets for this new spy movie and I really could care less but he thought it would cheer you up — which was super sweet of him of course — so you’re coming if I got to drag you out the house myself!” She hung up, not waiting for a response as Anya stared at the phone in shock. 

Mama took the phone and hung it up for her. She had still been right by the phone and had of course heard the whole thing. “The movies sounds fun! You should go. Want me to lend you some clothes and help with your makeup?” 

Being super elite spies and assassins, of course her parents had picked up on her depressed mood over the past couple days. They had been giving her space but Yuri was over practically every day so she knew they were itching to help her out of whatever was going on. She’d finally confessed — feeling guilty for worrying them — but had been vague about the details. All they knew was that she and Damian had had a fall out and the problem had yet to be resolved.

So Anya faked a smile and nodded, allowing her mother to comfort her in the one way that she knew.

True to her word, Becky showed up at her door an hour later, dressed in her best designer and face highlighted with subtle make up because she was naturally gorgeous and didn’t need a lot. 

She nodded in approval upon seeing Anya dressed in a red sleeveless top, a navy high waisted skirt that landed just above her knees finished off with some red tights and red heels. Her hair, which had gotten long, was braided and rested just below her collar.  Mama had also gone ahead and lightly touched up her face with some blush and mascara. 

Becky squealed, “You look so cute, come on let's go.” 

“Have fun sweetie!” Mama shouted out to her as Becky dragged her away. 

George was waiting down in Becky’s car and opened the door for them as they jumped in. 

“Emile, Bill and Ewen are already at the theater.” George informed her as she got in and she froze. She didn’t even have a moment to process that he had said Bill was going because her mind naturally raced to what this new development of the night meant.

Becky kicked his shin and avoided Anya's panicked face, “Oh - didn’t know they were going…” 

“Yeah… Desmond and Amelia also…” 

“George!” Beck hissed. “Sorry Anya, we only invited Emile and then he invited Bill and Ewen and Ewen invited Damian… and well… yeah. But listen to this,” Becky scooted in despite the tight space and being in the privacy of her own car, “Emile told us that Damian and Amelia have been fighting.” 

Anya flinched, she definitely did not want to hear that. This was exactly what she didn’t want to happen. “Becky…” 

“Shh, don’t worry. If you feel uncomfortable just stick by my side. We’ll be watching a movie so you won’t even have to talk to them. Please, I just want you to have fun.” 

Despite her anxiety, Anya smiled at Becky’s attempt at cheering her up. For her, she’d try to have a good night. “Okay…” 

“Anya!” Emile smiled brightly as she approached with Becky and George in tow, “I’m so glad you came.” 

Damian and Amelia had also arrived and were standing off to the side rather awkwardly. They were avoiding each other's eyes. But Anya tried not looking their way, instead meeting Emile's bright smile with her own. 

“Hi guys.” She greeted the three boys she was not actively avoiding. “Bill, long time no talk.” She grinned, punching his shoulder. 

“Anya,” He nodded in response, using his pointer finger to push up his glasses. He had already been large as a child and had only grown larger over the years. He stood three heads over her and two heads above Damian. 

“Alright, we’re all here. Let's go in!” Becky quickly shuffled them inside, probably knowing that any further delay would lead Anya to talk to Damian. 

Anya found her way next to Emile and elbowed him, wriggling her eyebrows at him. 

He stuck his tongue out at her and the two of them giggled as they approached the snack stand. 

“What could I get you folks—Anya?” 

Anya’s eyes widened as she noticed Ken standing behind the counter. “Ken? H-hi!” 

She and Emile exchange panicked gazes before Anya realized there was no real point in her lying anymore. 

“Here to see that new spy movie huh?” 

Truthfully, she had already seen the movie a few days ago when Yuri had dragged her out of her room to cheer her up. She hadn’t had the heart to tell Becky that though. Not that it would have stopped her from taking her out tonight. 

“Yeah, you know I love my spy movies.” She laughed stiffly. 

“Hi Becky!” He waved, upon noticing her, “Hi the rest of Anya’s friends. Anya talks about you guys all the time.” 

“Oh, are you guys close friends?” Amelia finally spoke, her voice not her normal cheery self. 

“Yeah, Anya saved my life once and we’ve been friends ever since! She hangs out with me and my girlfriend all the time. Speaking of, Julie’s been asking when we’re going to hang out again?” 

“Oh- uh, maybe sometime next week? I should be free.” Despite the awkward run in, she did genuinely want to hang out with them soon. 

“Sounds good, so what could I get you guys? On the house of course.” He winked over at her. 

They ordered their snacks and with a promise to call him soon, the group headed to their designated auditorium. 

“You guys go on ahead, I need to use the ladies room.” She suddenly had to pee and didn’t want to go into the movie and have to leave halfway through it, even if she had already seen it. She handed off her snacks and made her way across the hall to the restroom. 

Of course when she came out Damian was there, coming out of the adjacent boys room. They awkwardly bumped into each other and after some shuffling around each other, made their way to the auditorium. 

“So that was Ken…?” 

“Don’t.” She hissed, throwing open the heavy door and stomping in. 

The problem with arriving late to a new movie was that the theater was packed. Which meant seating was limited. 

There were 3 empty seats left when they entered. 

And their group had split up across the theater. 

There were two seats open up by Amelia who sat in the second to last row beside Ewen. And one seat open next to Emile and Bill on the first row. 

Damian headed off in front of her up to the open seats at top without a word, which left Anya with the dilemma of choosing. She would’ve gone straight to the seat next to Emile but one glance at Bill froze her. It was clear they were into each other and she didn’t want to third wheel them. 

So with stiff legs she headed up. 

Emile sent her a grateful smile and Becky shot her an apologetic look on her way up. 

She had to scoot past two people to take the seat beside Damian. She was thankful for her tiny frame - it didn't take much effort to avoid touching him in the tight space of the seats. 

The movie started and Anya tried not to think about the boy sitting next to her. 

As far as spy movies went, The Undercover Man was actually a really good movie. She had enjoyed it a few days ago when she saw it with Yuri and had even been excited to see it again, but now she wanted nothing more than to leave as she recalled the very main key of the plot. 

The spy had a female best friend. They’d work tirelessly together for years on his missions. Until one mission went wrong, leaving the two of them to fight and split up. The climax of the movie involved the female friend getting kidnapped and the spy saving her. And ended with them kissing and riding off into the sunset together. 

Anya had been desperate for a distraction the first time she had watched it; she hadn’t paid much attention to that plot point, being more fascinated by the action. But now the tension on the screen mirrored that of the tension between her and Damian and she was overcome with the feeling of claustrophobia. Suddenly the theater was too hot and stuffy. The chairs were too small and even though she had thought she had enough space between herself and the people next to her, all she could feel was their heat. 

She couldn’t breathe. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Damian leaned over to whisper to her and she realized she’d been gasping out loud trying desperately to cling to some air. She wanted to nod her head yes, she didn’t want him of all people to worry about her, but her head shook to the side on its own as she gasped. “Okay, come on, you need some air.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond as he grabbed her arm and began pulling her out, mumbling, “excuse us,” as he dragged her past the two people at the end of the row. 

He pulled her down the steps and out the theater before she had a chance to process what was happening, pulling her to the closest exit. 

The fresh air hit her, instantly refreshing her as she took deep breaths, trying to regulate her breathing. 

He let her just breath, watching her carefully as she leaned against the alleyway wall. 

“Better?” He asked softly, after her breath had slowed to a regular pace. 

She nodded, “Better. Thank you.” She mumbled. 

They silently stood there, cautiously watching one another, and suddenly Anya felt her eyes water. 

“Anya…”

“Don’t.” She held up two hands, “Please don’t.” She quickly walked towards the opening of the alleyway that would lead them back to the front of the theater. There was still half the movie left, Damian could still make it back inside to finish the movie and be with Amelia. 

“Wait- Anya, stop.” He quickly reached out for her wrist, turning her back around to face him. “Please don’t cry. I hate when you cry.” He thumbed away the tears rolling down her cheeks, she hadn’t realized she had fully begun to cry. 

“I’m sorry, I thought I could do this but I can’t.” She cried, trying to distance herself from his touch. “Please stop. Because it hurts so much. It feels like I can’t breathe when I’m with you but it’s worse when you're gone. I can’t bear it.” 

“You think it’s easy for me too?” Damian confesses, “Anya, every day is hell when you’re not in my life.” 

“Damian,” She sighed, “What are we doing? Ame-” 

“We broke up.” He stated, “Yesterday. I told her everything. Of course she had already guessed it all but she understood or is at least trying too.” 

She looked up shocked, “W-what? Why would you do that? She’s pretty, smart, and comes from a prominent family. She’s crazy about you and won’t break your heart because she’s not a coward who will deny her feelings to maintain your friendship.” She was angry with him and angry with herself. Just like she’d feared, Amelia had been hurt because of her. 

“You’re right. She is pretty, she’s smart, it would be expected of us to end up together. She’s not a slob who eats peanuts like a squirrel under a stupid tree or likes spy movies to an unhealthy degree. And she doesn’t make me want to scream or pull my hair out each time we argue. But more importantly, she doesn't drive me crazy.” 

Anya began to walk away, her heart was pounding out of her chest as the walls of the alleyway were starting to close in on her but Damian continued, following her. 

“She’s not stubborn to an annoying degree, she doesn’t give dangerous advice to friends or study extra hard to keep up her grades. She isn’t risking expulsion by mindlessly getting bolts or punching dumb snobby bullies on the first day of school.” 

They were on the street now, standing dangerously under a lamp post. 

“And she would look at me and tell me how she feels.” 

He caught her again, this time holding onto her shoulders and keeping her in place as he glared down at her. 

And she broke. 

“I love you,” She screamed, “I love you okay! I love you present tense! Isn’t that just the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” 

He didn’t give her a moment to catch her breath as he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. 

His lips were soft just like she’d always imagined, was her first thought, her second was- 

Emile, first kisses taste like buttered popcorn and salty tears. 

All her problems weren’t solved. There was still so much that needed to be said and explained. She was still angry at him and she had half a mind to slap him once they broke apart. But her fingers curled around his coat as she grasped onto him tightly, not wanting him to ever leave. 

She loved him. She loved him so much. 

Past, present and future tense.

She was such an idiot for not having realized it earlier. 

He broke away, as she gasped for air but this time under much better circumstances. 

“I love you too, Anya Forger.” 

Epilogue 

“Buttered popcorn?” 

“Yup.” 

“And tears?” 

“Yeah… You?” 

“Cherry slushies and chocolate.” 

Anya wrinkled her nose at the realization that their kisses had been in parallel to their taste in snacks. 

“Salty is still better.” 

“It’s definitely sweet.” 

“Guys, sour is where it’s at.” 

The two snack connoisseurs lifted their heads to glare over at the third boy who had made himself comfortable beside them on the grass. 

“Glooman, who said you could join our debate.” Emile tossed a leaf at him. It fell on top of Anya’s stomach. 

“Becky had been eating sour candies just before the spin the bottle game.” Anya murmured. 

“I guess we all have different tastes.” 

The three of them fell back into silence. 

“Have you spoken to Amelia?” Emile asked suddenly, peaking at her curiously. 

Anya heaved a heavy sigh, “No, she said she needed space. I don’t blame her. I just hope one day she’ll forgive me.” 

“You know, she’s technically the homewrecker,” George commented, “We all knew it was DamiAnya for life.” 

“George, do me a favor and never say DamiAnya ever again.” 

“Alright,” He laughed, “But it’s true. We all know it.” 

“Yeah but that doesn’t change the fact that Damian and her were dating while the two of us were being idiots. She’s not at fault for us not having our shit together.” 

“Don’t worry Anya,” Emile patted her shoulder, “She’ll recover and forgive you soon. She’s a saint like that. Also, I have it in good word that Ewen is doing his best to comfort her.” He winked suggestively. 

“Go Ewen I guess.” She still felt massively guilty for what happened but that didn’t mean she would go back and undo what happened. She was just glad she and Damian finally worked everything out. 

“It’s as the French say, tout est bien qui finit bien !” George sighed dreamily. 

Anya quirked a brow at him curiously, “What does that mean?”

“All’s well that ends well.” 

“You could’ve just said that.” Emile mumbled, making Anya snicker. 

“George, never change.” 

“Hey, ready to go?” Anya popped up as Damian approached, freshly showered and looking smoothly shaved. 

“Yup! See you losers later.” She called out as she ran towards him, throwing her bag over her shoulder. He immediately intertwined their fingers once her hands reached his and she began swinging it around as they walked. “How was your work out with Bill?” 

Damian groaned, “He’s absolutely insane, never again.” 

She giggled at his pained expression and lifted on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Feel better now?” 

“Hmm, not quite.” He smirked. 

She rolled her eyes and leaned up to kiss him on his lips, lingering for a moment to savor his taste, “Better?” 

“Better.”