Chapter Text
she breaks her heart because she loves her sister
the taste of joy cost freedom of eight years
he breaks her ribs to break her heartbeat whisper
she fought to keep edwina safe from glister
who could not see behind his charmed veneer
he'll break her heart because kate loves her sister
he said he'd make her happy if kate listened
his promises rang empty to her ears
he breaks his ribs seeking her heartbeat whisper
he wrecks the work she bled herself to give her
his love is rage as reckless as his sneer
she breaks her heart because she loves her sister
she asks him to protect her only sister
to cherish her with love that is sincere
he breaks his ribs to make her heartbeat whisper
edwina's rage scorches kate's heart to blisters
their mother's words confirm kate's every fear
edwina breaks her saying they're half-sisters
he breaks his heart to make their heartbeats whisper
She is the eldest, raising her sister
She is the eldest, taking care of their mother whose absence leaves her crippled, when she was already ripped apart with grief by the death of her father
Her heart is broken, every day, and mended, every day, because raising her sister is something which brings joy and pain in equal measure
Her tears are her own.
She reaps the consequences of her mistakes eight years later.
She wonders– could she have done something differently, could she have changed something, could she have been better somehow, to prevent this from happening.
And she knows this is true, there is always something she could have done differently but she don't know what it is because the memory of those eight years is at once sharp and smear.
She enjoys watercolors because it requires a delicate touch. Too much, and the picture bleeds to incoherence. Too little and the colors fade to insignificance.
It is this balance she tries to strike, every day, and she fails on some days, succeeds on others, but eight years later she does not know if anything was a success at all. Whether she was deluding herself, blind to her own faults, and that everything was for naught.
When her mother tells her to leave. To go anywhere else. To blame her for keeping secrets when for eight years, Lady Mary was not there to hear her quiet whispers for help, until Kathani stopped whispering at all
Is it a secret if she does not tell Mama because Mama would not have heard?
Kathani regrets she undermined her mother standing up to Lord and Lady Sheffield– something she knew Mama had wished to do for many years.
The memory of Mary claiming her as a daughter, for the first time in eight years, is marred by Mary's disappointment. Is marred by Mary's clear regret. Kathani could see in Mary's eyes the wish for her to disappear.
And she watches, helpless, as the man she cannot allow herself to love– undoes all her work all her sacrifice, all her hopes which allowed her to survive those eight years, in the span of a minute.
And she hates herself that she cannot hate him for it because this is the first time in eight years someone has thought to protect her.
She hates herself that she is so weak to forgive him for destroying her life's work, that she is so pathetically grateful as he closes his fist around her heart and crushes it with his carelessness.
She does not know when she became mother to her mother.
She does not know when she became a mother instead of a sister, that Edwina believes her life to be the center of Kathani's universe– and it is true. Edwina's life is the center of her universe. She is everything Kathani lives for, Edwina's happiness is the only thing she's sought
She knows when she became mother to her mother and mother to her sister
But after Appa died, she did not know that she would become mother to mother and mother to sister. She didn't know Mama would wither away in grief, leaving Kathani a sister who became her daughter
There were times growing up, Kathani had to discipline Edwina and Edwina threw tantrums
She had to teach Edwina things she did not want to learn
Times growing up when Edwina rebelled against Kathani because she is the parent Edwina has known, and it is with a patience that costs tears when Edwina rejects her, says she hates her, becomes angry at her, and Kathani bears it because this is what it means to raise a child and watch them grow as they step into a new world of independence
She does not quash it, or stamp down on it, or choke it out because Edwina deserves the best, the chance to find her own happiness, a chance to define her happiness.
Kathani's tears are all her own– for it is one thing to know in her mind that Edwina does not truly hate her– she is only finding herself, like all children seek to find themselves at that age– but another thing to hear those words with her heart, and the fruits of Kathani's love turned to heartbreak
When Edwina emerges from her chrysalis, she is a beautiful young woman. She is eager to see the world and find her happiness
And Kathani lets her go
This is not the first time Edwina has said Kathani are her half sister. She liked to say it, again and again, when she was eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. She said at least once a year, but not more than three times. Edwina is not one to anger often, and Kathani knew she did not mean it.
When Edwina said it on the wedding day– why did Kathani think it would be any different, now that Edwina is eighteen.
Kathani is not Edwina's mother, she is her half sister; Kathani is not her stepmother's daughter but when Appa brought Mama from England, he asked Kathani to take care of her.
Because Mama had no friends, family. She did not know the language, the culture, the traditions. And Kathani loved her new Mama, so she took care of her, and helped her, just like Appa asked her, to build a new life in a new country. Kathani loved Mary and hoped Mary loved her also.
Kathani defended her when others were rude. She corrected the mistakes Mama didn't know she'd made. Appa was so proud, and Mama was so grateful. Kathani taught her pieces of Marathi, Hindi, Tamil, but spoke to her in English and French, because she wanted Mama to like her home.
And when the world fell out when Appa died
Kathani raised her sister and supported her mother and cried.
Her tears are her own
She skipped meals.
She did not have to skip meals– it was not a choice made out of poverty or desperate need.
It was not that they didn't have enough money to buy food– she made certain they were never in danger of going hungry. It didn't have to do with clothing, shelter, or those absolute necessities required by a human being to survive.
Kathani skipped meals because she wanted to give Edwina and Mama more than just living– she wanted to give them life. She wanted to give them extra.
She gave it willingly, happily– those small things that are not necessary but add a moment of joy in a child's life. Those moments which accumulate so when her sister is an adult, she can say she had a happy childhood. Those small, ineffable details which allows her sister, now an adult, to be unafraid to spend money. To be unafraid to buy baubles and frivolities simply because she wants to and it makes her happy. To be unafraid to ask for more, and better, to be able to expect more, and the best.
Kathani raises her sister and provides for her mother, and her life is a series of pauses, minute hesitations, knowing she shouldn't buy or give or indulge or allow because it's not in her careful budget. Her life is a series of decisions overruling that hesitation, because it does not hurt her to skip a meal or two.
She cannot buy happiness for Mama and Edwina, it is true. No one can buy happiness. But she can buy the tiny details of a happy life so that over the years, those details coalesce to form an image of joy.
And she keeps this to herself
Her tears are her own.
She goes, elsewhere
Because elsewhere is the only place she has for herself
And it is a closet of useless things, long on the shelf, as the English say
She wishes her life was a quiet room of useless things, instead of this wreckage
When the man she cannot love finds her and asks her to wait, she cannot. Because it is her turn to face her sister, and he tells her that Edwina was harsher than he knew her capable of being.
Kathani knows Edwina will be harsher still
And she hates herself for not hating him for costing her everything, for trampling on the eight years of her life in ways he will never understand because he may be a kindred spirit but he is a man, with money, a country estate of thousands of acres, two houses in London, a steady income, power, and a dining table overflowing with food.
He can afford rage but she cannot.
He cost her everything.
He cost her Edwina and Mama. Her work and her dignity.
This man she cannot love lives in the place he was born and he does not know what that means.
She has no friends in this country. She has no allies. She has a host, whose kindness she can never repay except to offer her contrition
Her mother is silent while Kathani fights with everything she has to keep him from her sister, knowing she cannot win
Because he has money, and power, and the only thing Kathani has is love for Edwina and it breaks her heart to see Edwina choose him, it breaks her heart to let Edwina go, it breaks her heart to leave Edwina in the hands of a man who will never love her, never care for her, will toy with her affections and abandon her to raise his children
It breaks Kathani's heart that Edwina will not listen, she hates him for destroying eight years of her life's work when all her tears were always her own
Edwina loves him.
Edwina thinks she is in love with him.
And the only thing Kathani has left to give Edwina is her heart, in hopes that he will love Edwina for Kathani's sake.
Because he is a good man, he is at heart a kind man, and he loves her the same way she loves him. Kathani gives him her heart in hopes he will love Edwina, cherish her, keep her safe and happy– Kathani gives him her heart because it is the last thing she can give
And she hopes he understands that she has given him her heart. She hopes he is careful. She hopes he will protect her heart. She hopes he understands.
She hopes, as she stands crying in the woods, defeated and desolate, hopeless and empty, that he will be a man of honor and true to his word because he has taken everything she has and she hopes he understands– Edwina is her heart and the one she loves above all others and if there was ever a moment in Kathani's silences with him, if there was ever a moment he esteemed and respected her, if there was ever a moment he loved her, he will love Edwina too
But he is selfish
He destroyed eight years of work in one dinner and eight seconds and in his honesty to Edwina, he broke Kathani instead
She hates she cannot hate him
She hates she gave him her heart and he broke it
She hates she loves him still, after breaking it
She hates she will miss him when she leaves.
Because there is nothing left for her in England. This is not her home. She has no friends. She relies on the charity of others. She has no money, she may understand their language but it is not hers, it is not her native tongue, these dresses are not her clothes, this hair is not her hair, the horse is not her horse and she is at the complete mercy of the whims of a society who sneer at the mother she cannot remember and the father she still mourns.
This is not her heart.
This is not her home.
She doesn't remember the dreams she may have had for herself, but it is not this nightmare, where no matter how tall she stands, no matter how she keeps her expression even and walk with calm pride, she cannot visit her father's grave.
She cannot ride, for miles upon miles
She cannot find a way to mend her broken heart, and he only breaks it further by asking her to marry him because he did not want it
And it becomes clear: he never loved her.
He could not love her sister, her heart of hearts. He never loved Kathani– he only devoured her heart and came to ask her hand in marriage because he regretted. His expression heavy with guilt. Now truly leg shackled in marriage and she hates herself because she loves him, so she refuses, and tells him to leave
He desired her, he understood fragments and pieces of her, he protected and defended her– but he did not love her because he offered marriage with an apology, with duty, with an admirable desire to help her family, but he did not want it
He did not want her heart
So she sent him away, to find a heart he could want
To find a person who was not shackled
And she prepares to go back home, where she will grow a new heart, after leaving behind the one she nurtured for eight years
But her heart of hearts has the will of a diamond, eight years emerging a woman her own. Her heart of hearts gives her that small extra– that tiny, brave bauble asking for more.
He destroyed eight years of her freedom in a single moment, and she wishes to undo eight years of his. She asks him for better, and braver, with no hesitation– for one last dance, to risk everything.
Her heart of hearts says she's funny and feeling and worthy of light shining all on her own.
So she dares to ask the man who desires her, whether he loves her enough that she might call him her home.
He'd kept her heart in his broken ribs, beating a wounded rhythm with his
That towering rage which cost eight years her freedom
her sister, her mother, her heart, and her love
was not an attempt to protect or defend her
but his chest cracking under the pressures he bore
holding her heart bleeding its pleas for her sister
his ribs breaking open to try to restore
the damage he'd wreaked on the meals she'd not eaten
in hopes she might find her joy once more