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For some, falling in love is an act of selflessness. It is when a person learns to cherish and protect a heart not their own; open their heart to merge the two souls; reveal their soul to trust and acceptance.
For others, however, falling in love is the ultimate act of selfishness.
The problem with living a life for the sake of duty is that when one does something for oneself, it is not the same as being selfish; it is merely a brief reprieve from duty, after which the burden must be picked up again.
The act of being selfish is wholly free of any consideration of duty– it is the total rejection of duty.
The problem with living a life dictated by duty is that there is no choice.
Duty is not the same as selflessness. The two can overlap and in some cases, does. However, selflessness is a choice. It is a decision one makes to find happiness and joy in living for the sake of others. The very concept of duty is built on obligation, that there is debt to the greater good which someone must pay. One does not choose to do their duty– one discharges it. Fulfills it. A person is given a duty– by chance and circumstance– and the choice does not lie in completing it: the choice lies in rejecting it.
This is what Anthony comes to understand.
If he married Miss Sharma, there would be repercussions for his family. No matter how they spun the tale, short of some act of god, it would cause great scandal for him to marry the elder sister of his former fiancee. The fiancee who was the Queen's chosen Diamond, and the fiancee whose wedding was hosted by her Majesty. To be honest, Anthony was shocked that he had not received some kind of public censure from the Queen; it had, of course, been Miss Edwina's choice not to walk down the aisle, but her Majesty was rather capricious in bestowing and revoking her favor.
As it stood, Anthony and his brothers would come out of it unscathed; his wealth and the large sums of money he settled on Benedict and Colin (and Gregory) guaranteed it. It might take a year or so for the ton to descend like vultures on another scandal, but money smoothed the way for a great many things.
Francesca and Hyacinth would likely be– if not welcomed, then at least tolerated in society; they too, had huge sums of money for their dowries. The ton would likely whisper behind their backs and their reputation would have a stain due to Whistledown's writings about Eloise, but it was not insurmountable. Anthony was not sure if Eloise would ever recover.
If Anthony married Miss Sharma, he could actually incur the anger of the Queen. If she expressed open disapproval, it would not matter how much money he had– his family would be shunned from high society. The consequences on Lady Mary, Miss Sharma, Miss Edwina– perhaps even Lady Danbury– did not bear thinking.
If the Queen made no comment at all, the ton would take it as a sign that while the Bridgertons were to be tolerated, they were no longer quite so respectable. The social capital brought by their name would plummet and remain there for years; no amount of wealth would increase its value.
This had obvious consequences for his sisters, but could also affect Anthony's political and economic opportunities. The truly lucrative, powerful deals were brokered in smoking rooms after dinner, not on the floors of parliament or the stock exchange. Dinner invitations were based on social capital and while all doors would not be closed to Anthony, fewer would be opened.
Anthony was not in the habit of considering best-case scenarios. It was ludicrous to entertain the thought that the Queen might somehow give her blessing.
When his mother brought him the news,
Mrs. Wilson heard from one of the maids
Anthony felt like he had broken the surface of the water long enough to gasp
she's awake
for breath
before being tugged under again. Every single cell of his being was dedicated to keeping himself from drowning
it is
shattering
unthinkable
dissolving
finding someone like that
crying
someone
He did not see a point–
you love
nor did he have the energy to deny that he was in love with Miss Sharma.
The only thing he could do was try to keep his mother from seeing that it was killing him. If Kathani had died, he would have died. Now that she was awake, he was still dying.
I am sorry
Anthony does not think he and his mother will ever speak the same language
I am so sorry that it was you who was with your father that day
Everything that followed his father's death created a chasm they will never be able to breach. But he recognizes
I am
that she is trying.
sorry for everything that happened in the days that followed
He is grateful that she is trying.
if I could go back and change things
This is proof that she is trying.
you have no idea how much I wish I could change everything
His mother apologizes.
it is what I think about
It is a selfish apology.
every night before I close my eyes
She is trying.
and then again every morning before I open them
This is proof that she loves him. This is proof she will never love him the way he wants to be loved and she will never love him the way she loves his siblings, but she does love him.
it will never go away
It is a selfish apology because Anthony, son of his mother, wants her to hold some of his broken pieces with gentle hands; instead she gives him her guilt and regret.
But she is trying, and he never thought he'd see the day when his mother acknowledged that everything that followed his father's death changed him– in ways neither of them can fix.
He sits up, sad and resigned and exhausted and unable to be who she wants. Unable to give her what she's asking for.
His strings are cut. He is not sure he'll have anything left to give, if he survives this conversation.
He can't reassure her, as a good son should.
He can't forgive her, as a good son should.
He doesn't have the capacity to forgive himself for what he did to Kathani; if it is absolution his mother desires, he cannot give any more of himself today.
She had forbid him from speaking or looking or being in the same room as Kathani, she had asked if his plans to marry by the end of the season had changed, and Anthony was bleeding then, he's bleeding now, Kathani's hair was soaked in blood and he cuts off another piece of himself and gives it to his mother.
I do not think that I can see her
Because if he sees Kathani, he will want her; he will love her in a desperate way that will destroy them both; he will ask her to marry him and if she accepts, it might well and truly ruin both their families; if she refuses, he will die, bones eaten hollow by maggots of regret, guilt, pain, agony, self loathing, heartbreak, love, longing.
Anthony wants, so desperately, to forego his duty just this once and choose for himself. But he can't.
He won't.
Anthony cuts off a piece and gives it to his mother because here, in this moment, she wants to be his mother.
And he cannot help that he wants her to, just this once, be his mother.
They have two different conversations, which end up being the same conversation. She ends up taking the pieces he gave her and grinding them down to chunks of raw bone, then offering her own mangled pieces to him.
Losing Edmund was the most difficult time of my life.
His mother says real, true love is worth it, no matter what.
And the pain that I felt
His mother says she would make the same choice again, feel the same pain again, fall into catatonic grief again,
beyond description
if faced with the choice, she would choose it every time.
But there is one thing that has given me at least some modicum of solace
This is how Anthony knows that true love is a selfish, monstrous thing.
it's knowing that I would still choose the life I led with him
Because under his mother's words:
each and every time.
she wishes she could change the days that followed his father's death
And I would undoubtedly feel the same pain I felt
she wishes she did not inflict that pain on her firstborn son
all over again
she is sorry she wasn't there
if I had to
but if she had to choose
because
between
real,
loving her husband
true
or
love
sparing her son
is worth it
she would choose
No matter what.
Edmund
each and every time
On a rational level, on a mature level, on the emotional level of an adult, Anthony knows that it does not have to be either/or. That his mother can wish she had acted differently after his father's death; she can say she would choose true love with his father every time; and these two things do not contradict each other. They do not require Anthony to be laid out as a sacrifice.
But the level that is still a child and never stopped hurting does not understand this. The sweet, kind boy who died when Anthony became Viscount does not understand that this does not have to be either/or. How can he? Anthony cannot imagine how his mother could have acted differently when she was non-responsive, angry, depressed, suicidal with grief.
She would choose that pain every time.
And every time, her eldest would be left alone, to carry the family.
Yet somehow they end up having the same conversation because his mother tells him real, true love is worth it.
His mother knows, probably better than he does, the possible consequences for their family if Anthony marries Kathani. She knows he would be gambling and risking so much more than himself.
And it's true that it might not end in disaster; they've weathered scandals before, they can weather them again. Some divine force might smile on him and Kathani to bless their union and allow them their happiness. But Anthony did not survive these past twelve years by putting faith in a merciful world; he got through those years by expecting the worst and forcing his heart to beat its death. This is too high a price to pay for what he wants.
Real, true love is worth it. No matter what.
His mother knows the price the family might have to pay for Anthony to have that love. She knows the possible outcomes.
Do not lose her, Anthony
She is willing to risk it.
You cannot lose her
She is willing to try, for him, to take on that burden so he can have a chance.
She is willing to try.
Anthony does not know if he can do it.
But his mother takes his hand– Anthony does not remember the last time his mother held his hand– and he can see in her eyes that she will do whatever is necessary, if this is what Anthony wants.
And his mother knows why.
Of course, his proposal fails.
His proposal fails because nowhere in those garbled words is the most important part:
It is not I love you
It is I want
Anthony only understands what selfishness is until he's been selfish.
Because there is nothing selfless about him dancing with her, the night before she leaves for India, while the entire ton watches with smirks and disapproval.
Anthony gives up his honor, his family's good name, the Sharma's good name just to dance with her one last time.
He will probably never see her again; he will wake up tomorrow and he will have to face the consequences of having this last dance– consequences that will fall on his mother, brothers, and sisters.
It is the epitome of selfishness and he finds he cannot apologize for it.
He understands why his proposal to Kathani failed:
He apologized.
He said she deserved so much more.
He said he did not want it to happen like that.
And he apologized
And asked her to marry him.
Anthony was not offering love. He was not offering that nameless thing which devours children's souls.
He was offering a reprieve from duty.
As soon as she rejected him, the first thing that came out of his mouth was a question about her family's financial situation, trying to chain Kathani down with duty.
She was running away because she wanted her own reprieve but could not bring herself to be selfish.
He left because he could only offer reprieve and could not bring himself to be selfish.
The problem with living according to duty is that it becomes a habit, so much so that wanting something for oneself– wanting to know another person and be known by them, wanting to love another person and be loved by them– feels like an impossibility that can only be justified with immense sacrifice. The problem with living according to duty is that every action is tallied on a ledger, every thought is carefully weighed, and every expenditure of love for oneself must have a sufficiently good reason.
Duty values itself above the people it governs, taking everything until life is consumed in sacrifice to its altar. Finding a way to escape the pyre is a fight for one's own self; fighting to keep one's own self is a necessary selfishness.
Your father was the best man I've ever known
Before the ball, he had been staring at his father's portrait, in the middle distance.
We should continue to keep our distance between us in light of the–
Perhaps we should not
Between the two of them, she has always been braver.
He was courageous ( are you going to ask me to dance
one last time )
Kathani was selfish asking for one last dance.
and never afraid to fight not just for his family
( Are you going to say yes
Anthony was selfish continuing to dance after everyone left the floor.
but for everything else too
and that is why I wish to marry you
The miracle is not that the Queen saved their families
The miracle is that Kathani still wants to marry him the following morning.