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“Billy!”
Shaking him only seemed to frighten him more. Alan lay down, wrapping his arms around Billy despite the younger man’s struggle against him. “I’m right here,” he whispered, “you’re safe.”
He repeated the gentle words until the thrashing stopped, and the cries of fear turned to whimpers.
“Alan?” Billy gripped the arm over his chest, hazy eyes seeking Alan out through the darkness. “I’m sorry,” he whispered before a muted sob shook him.
Wary of the scar tissue, Alan rubbed his shoulder, only now realizing the boldness of his actions. He and Billy had been sharing a trailer since they got back to work months ago, but this was the first time Billy had had a night terror loud enough to wake Alan from his own room. A little disoriented, he’d acted purely on instinct- but this seemed to be what Billy needed.
“You shouldn’t have to go through this alone,” Alan said.
Billy leaned into him, resting his forehead against Alan’s. “I’m sorry for everything,” he mumbled, and Alan understood. They rarely talked about what happened on the island, but the changes in Billy made it clear that he still carried that guilt.
“It’s okay.”
He felt Billy shake his head.
“I forgive you.”
When Billy stiffened at the words, Alan realized he’d never found the chance to say them before.
“I forgive you,” he repeated.
“...You shouldn’t.”
“Billy.” Alan lifted a hand cautiously, slipping his fingers into Billy’s hair. “You were only trying to help.”
“It doesn’t matter-”
“It does . It does. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I was just angry.”
“I fucked up.”
“Everybody does. I was the one who accepted the check. I was the one who brought you along.”
“That’s different.”
“Billy, I forgave you the moment I saw you jump off that railing. …I see that railing a lot in my own nightmares.”
Billy sniffed. “...You get them too?” he asked softly.
“Yeah,” Alan admitted. “Almost every night.”
“...I never hear you.”
“I’ve never heard you, until tonight.”
Billy slipped an arm around him, turning onto his side and tucking his head beneath Alan’s chin. “You can always talk to me, you know.”
“...Do you wanna talk?”
Billy hesitated before shaking his head and speaking so gently that Alan barely heard him. “This is better.”
Alan couldn’t help but agree.
~
The first thing Alan noticed was that he wasn’t he wasn’t in his own bed. The second, that a warm body was pressed against his. As he woke, he realized it was odd to notice these things in that order, as if Billy’s weight at his side and his head resting on Alan’s shoulder was more natural than the change of room.
He didn’t have time to figure out what to say or do before Billy inhaled deeply, blinking up at him. Instead of spouting an apology or a euphemism or pulling away in the awkward light of morning, Billy closed his eyes again and pressed in a little closer.
Alan felt his whole body relax. This did feel natural to him, and that feeling appeared more than mutual. He gathered his courage to reach for the arm slung over his stomach, stroking the warm, tan skin. Billy hummed, turning his hand to hold Alan’s arm in return. After another minute, Alan lay his free hand upon Billy’s head, burying his fingers in the curls.
“...I can hear you thinking.”
“...What am I thinking?”
“‘Bout whether this is okay.”
Billy was right. Alan squeezed his arm.
“...Is that a ‘yes?’”
Alan took a deep breath. He pressed a kiss to Billy’s forehead.
Billy sat up on his elbow, looking down at Alan with dazed hazel eyes. “Are you sure?”
The sight of him boosted Alan’s confidence. He cupped Billy’s face warmly. “I’m sure.”
Then Billy was kissing him. His lips moved eagerly, almost impatiently, as if he’d been starving for this. Alan was wide awake by the time Billy pulled away with a grin on his face. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
In a sudden burst of playfulness, Alan flipped them so that Billy lay on his back, smirking beneath him. “I have an idea.”