Chapter Text
The repurposed ectobiology-lab-turned-spacefaring-vessel is hurtling through space at a frankly difficult to comprehend rate, tailed by the two carapician abominations like cans tied to the bumper of a pickup truck after a particularly ill-advised marriage. The meteor has now survived being shot through the Furthest Ring and then being ping-ponged right back on its way to an altogether new session.
Inside the meteor it’s the setup to a poor joke: two gods and four trolls walk into a bar.
The metaphorical bar is, in this case, the weekly strategy meeting. The weekly cursory (but still shitty attempt) at getting anything even mildly productive done.
Rose sits at the head of the table. Rather, what she has decided is the head of the table. Vriska and Terezi also both think they’re the ones leading the meeting at their respective heads of the table.
ROSE: You mean to tell me that despite being in your session of Sburb for over a month-
TEREZI: WH4T’S 4 MONTH?
ROSE: You are well aware what a month is at this point, and I know you’re purposefully antagonizing me just to entertain yourself.
TEREZI: Y3P!
ROSE: You mean to tell me that despite being in your session of Sburb for over a month, only-
TEREZI: 1 W4SN’T DON3 Y3T
ROSE: Oh yes, let’s harass one of the most useful possible roles in a strategic meeting. What a grand plan we’re embarking on. I simply cannot wait to show up at the final battle having bitched away three years with the lot of you, succumbing to-
TEREZI: WH4T’S 4 Y34R?
Rose’s long-suffering sigh echoes about the space, almost rivaling the chip-crunching coming from Dave’s side of the table (decidedly not the head of the table in anyone’s opinion). He's sat at truly the most strategic position at the table: the snack corner.
KARKAT: HEY FUCKFACE, YEAH, YOU WITH THE SHADES-
KARKAT: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT, STRIDER, YOU'RE THE ONLY DOUCHE WITH THE SHADES PRESENT.
KARKAT: IF YOU POKE AT ME WITH THOSE DORITO TOUCH STUBS EVEN ONE MORE TIME YOU BULGESUCKING ASSHOLE, I AM GOING TO COMMIT A CRIME HORRIBLE ENOUGH TO VIOLATE THE GENEVA CONVENTION, REGARDLESS OF THE IMPROBABILITY, AND *YOU* WILL BE THE SOLE VICTIM.
DAVE: wait trolls have the geneva convention
DAVE: this is news to me
DAVE: didnt your entire species just go around all the time committing horrible war crimes and eating babies
KANAYA: I Am Certain At This Point We Have Debunked Your Assumption That Any Food Item With The Word Grub In It Is Actually Made Of Troll Larvae
KANAYA: Multiple Times In Fact
KANAYA: Quite Thoroughly
KANAYA: But Alas How Your Misconception Persists
KARKAT: AS I WAS SAYING, THE GENEVA CONVENTION WAS MADE AFTER AN HEIRESS NAMED GENEVA PEIXES ATTEMPTED TO KILL THE PREVIOUS EMPRESS, WHEN-
Karkat pauses to stare as Dave begins counting on his fingers while mouthing something, stopping once he reaches six fingers raised and nodding in personal satisfaction before motioning at Karkat to continue.
Terezi has now become distracted enough from upsetting Rose to chime into this conversation instead.
TEREZI: HUM4NS H4V3 TH3 G3N3V4 CONV3NT1ON TOO?
DAVE: uh yeah it says dont do war crimes
VRISKA: Sorry to 8reak up your *very important conversations*, 8ut-
TEREZI: OH YOUR’3 NOT SORRY 4T 4LL, YOU S4D S4CK OF BON3S 4ND F41RYDUST
VRISKA: Is this not a strategy meeting? Should you all not 8e listening to me, your leader and strategist?
This time, Rose decaptchalogues her dedicated screaming pillow from her sylladex, burying her face in the plush velvet.
VRISKA: Since Rose clearly has something so important to say that it overrules my leadership and fucking squanders just how generous I am to host these meetings, let’s hear it then! Let's hear the 8rilliant Seer of Light's commentary!
ROSE: As I was *trying* to say, about five interruptions and two and a half conversation topics ago: is it true that between the twelve players in your session, only two ascended to god tier?
ROSE: God Tier?
ROSE: No, I don't think it's a proper noun actually. I was right to begin with.
VRISKA: Well, o8viously I’m included in the highest tiers of players, so it would only 8e natural for me to have ascended to god tier.
As she’s speaking, Vriska’s usual outfit of jeans and a t-shirt glistens as it fades into her god tier robes with all the subtlety and glamour of a particularly shitty PowerPoint transition. Her revealed wings twitch, getting fairy dust on the table and also Terezi, who sneezes.
Rose makes a sour expression at Vriska's outfit change but regardless, her own pajamas glitter similarly before she speaks up again, dressing her in the bright gold of Light players.
Dave is always in his Knight robes. He doesn’t know how to do laundry.
KANAYA: Ah I See So Getting Thoroughly Beaten And Left On The Verge Of Death By Aradia Is All That It Takes To Be Considered The Highest Tier Of Player
KANAYA: I Suppose I Am Then Grateful To Be Left In The Dust Of Your Outstanding Conquests And Consequently Far Away From The Blood You Got Everywhere From Dragging Your Dripping Corpse To Your Quest Cocoon By Express Air Delivery
KANAYA: Tavros Unfortunately In Tow For That Entire Situation
VRISKA: Hey, w8, how did you know a8out that?
KANAYA: Oh You Know How Trolls Are About Gossip
KANAYA: Also You Never Cleaned Up The Blood-
VRISKA: Who the fuck has time to clean up 8lood? We were on the adventure of a lifetime!
KANAYA: The Blood Trail Leading Directly To The Exploded Remnants Of The Quest Cocoon
KANAYA: Nor Did You Bother To Clean Up The Body Parts Strewn About Quite Festively
Dave can be seen gagging at this image. There is more Dorito dust on Karkat’s sweater and yet, no crimes committed other than the sullying of the cloth.
VRISKA: Well, whatever.
TEREZI: 1N OUR D3F3NS3, TH3 GOD T13R QU3STL1N3 1S V3RY F4R 1N SGRUB’S PROGR3SS1ON
KARKAT: IF YOU WIGGLERS HADN’T SPENT ALL OF YOUR TIME GETTING DISTRACTED BY PERSONAL DRAMA AND YOUR INDIVIDUALLY FUCKED UP BRANDS OF IDIOTIC WHIMSY WE MIGHT HAVE ALL REACHED THAT POINT, YOU KNOW.
TEREZI: S4YS TH3 TROLL WHO SP3NT TH3 WHOL3 G4M3 4RGU1NG W1TH H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOST 1N4N3 M4NN3R POSS1BL3
DAVE: sburb had a progression?
VRISKA: Oh my god.
ROSE: I really do hate to agree with Vriska, but I actually do in this incredibly rare instance. Sburb clearly had a very rich and interesting storyline and depths we couldn’t even hope to reach in the matter of hours we spent in our native session.
KANAYA: Did You Not Spend Most Of Those Hours Methodically Destroying Each And Every Part Of Your Planet In A Pointless Exercise Of Adolescent Frustration
ROSE: Right idea, wrong reasoning.
ROSE: Darling Kanaya, I was *gamebreaking*.
Rose is making an insufferably smug expression, taking altogether too much pride in her completely ineffective foray into real-life gamebreaking.
KARKAT: A SESSION OF SGRUB IS SUPPOSED TO LAST WELL OVER A HUMAN MONTH. I DON’T KNOW WHAT *YOU* FREAKS OF NATURE WERE DOING WITH YOUR SESSION, BUT IT CLEARLY WASN’T RIGHT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
ROSE: Is Sburb not an open-world game? There was progression, yes, but we fast tracked around it and directly to the important parts.
KANAYA: I Think That You Fast Tracked Yourself Directly Around And Far Away From Anything Even Remotely Close To What Could Be Called The Important Parts
KANAYA: In Fact It Is Almost Impressive Just How Much You Seemed To Miss The Point And Fail To Complete Any Goals
DAVE: uh no thats a lie
DAVE: me and jade were all tight with those frogs
DAVE: super frog bros
DAVE: like that game with the plumber and mushrooms
ROSE: With... with the plumber. And the mushrooms.
DAVE: yeah exactly
ROSE: You know what, I think I am just going to stop questioning your strangely patchy and inaccurate knowledge of pop culture. I think that will be best for all of us.
KARKAT: (ROSE IF YOU GET HIM ON THE TOPIC OF THAT INFERNAL SKATEBOARDING GAME AGAIN I *WILL* BE COMING INTO YOUR BLOCK AND EMPTYING THE ENTIRE TRIANGLE CHEESE SNACK BAG INTO YOUR BLANKETS.)
ROSE: See, just a few minutes ago, you called them Doritos. It’s almost as if you’re randomly making up Alternian sounding phrases to fuck with us, which would be oh so counterproductive to teamwork.
KANAYA: Yes Karkat Shame On You
KANAYA: Assimilating Into Human Culture With Their Inferior Non Descriptive Names For Various Items And Concepts
KANAYA: How Could You Ever Deprive Us Of The Proper Terminology For Nacho Cheese Tastic Triangular Corn Snacks
DAVE: you know i really just cannot tell if youre fucking with the rest of us right now kanaya
DAVE: thats a positive thing i think its fucking hilarious
DAVE: nacho cheese tastic indeed
KANAYA: Not To Say Anything Of The Less Popular Flavor Of Climate Wise Inappropriately Frozen Cow Troll Herding Location Triangular Corn Snacks
KARKAT: ...COOL RANCH?
KANAYA: Yes Exactly
ROSE: I think I know even less about troll Doritos than I have ever wanted to in my entire life.
Vriska’s head has been firmly planted on the table in despair for the last several minutes of conversation. She just wanted a strategy meeting where she was unequivocally in charge and everyone listened to her, is that truly too much to ask?