Work Text:
We've had that kind of love
I thought that it would never end
Oh, my lover, oh my other, oh, my friend
We talked around in circles
And we talked around and then
I loved you to the moon and back again
You gave everything this golden glow
Now turn off all the stars 'cause this I know
That it hurts like so
To let somebody go
///
"I'm leaving the 118."
Eddie's gaze finally settles on Buck's eyes after looking back and forth between Hen and Ravi, whom had let out disbelieving noise.
But Buck, he just stood there staring at his best friend's face, diving deep into the honey amber. Because what else he was supposed to do?
What does Buck supposed to do when yet another piece of his heart got chipped away alongside that forsaken sentence.
When Buck couldn't do anything to stop Maddie from leaving the first time, and Buck sure couldn't do anything to stop her from leaving him the second time with Chimney hot on her tails.
Now this feels like a broken record, something akin to deja-vu.
Buck had stood there watching Abby leaving through the departure hall door, and Buck had sat there as Ali packed her stuff away.
And now the record is playing its broken chords again.
And Buck couldn't do anything to stop the music.
This Christmas is set for disaster from the beginning, starting from the moment Buck finally realizes that Maddie and Chimney were not coming back for the holiday, and he wouldn't be in Jee-Yun's first Christmas.
But when Taylor and him finally had their grand final argument, the festivity was completely snuffed out from his spirit. She had told him that she's planning to accept a job promotion based in Washington and had asked Buck to come with her, but he had declined the idea almost instantly, citing that his family are all here, and he won't leave Christopher. That got Taylor to balk because Chris is not his son, so why bother so much?
And in the heat of their argument, Buck had accidentally slipped up that he would be Christopher's guardian in the event of Eddie's untimely death, and Taylor didn't take the news that she could be an instant mother to a growing child that well. And there went their relationship.
Yet somehow, he naively believed Hen when she said that everything would be okay, and that there are still other people that matters to them to celebrate this Christmas with.
But that too, is about to be taken away.
Or already had.
Oh, how naive of him.
///
All the storms we weathered
Everything that we went through
Now without you I don't know what am I to do?
When they call the mathematicians
And they ask them to explain
They said love is only equal to the pain
And when everything was going wrong
You could turn my sorrow into song
///
Breaking up with Taylor didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. Seeing her leaving with her bag in tow through the same door Ali and Maddie had left him alone in his loft, Buck only felt numb. Perhaps deep down, he had been readying himself for this relationship to snap when its foundation had been so brittle and fragile to begin with.
Because at-heart Buck knows, his forever person is the one who he shares his locker at work with. Always has been.
The person who has been telling Buck over and over again, assuring his place in their little family unit.
"There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you."
"You act like you're expendable, but you're wrong."
"You're stuck with us."
But not like they matter anymore.
"I'm leaving the 118."
Because even with that solid groundwork and understanding that Buck believes they have between them, Eddie is still going to leave. Without even talking about it with Buck first, who is supposed to be his best friend. They have weathered countless turbulences in the course of their years of partnership, but Buck is not convinced that they would withstand this permanent separation when the time comes. Eddie may not be leaving the state, but overlapping schedules and shifts surely will cause the time to flow in branches, growing apart, far from each other every day.
It is unfair to put all the blame entirely on Eddie, when the distance between them seems to grow further since the shooting, and Buck did contributed to the gap.
With whatever happened between them, Eddie spending more time with Ana and Buck with Taylor, their conversations somehow stalled, and their shared trauma somehow was left unexplored and was not conversed about.
Because Buck had lived in a world where he lost Eddie for six whole minutes, and that six minutes was the darkest and bleakest moment in his life and discussing about the 6 minutes and the coppery taste on his tongue will only bring out the long dreaded nightmare. So why talk about it?
Buck knew then, he is in love with Eddie.
Buck is not blind. He saw how Eddie danced around him since his break-up with Ana. But Buck, foolish old Buck, was still with Taylor, trying to stick it out and be a total hypocrite.
With them currently back being single, Buck had told himself to be the braver one for once, to speak up his mind and to bare his feelings, and maybe the year won't end so badly as he thought it would be.
But this is worse.
Because Buck already lost Eddie even before he has him.
///
Oh, it hurts like so
To let somebody go
To let somebody go
Oh-oh-ooh
Oh-oh-ooh
(To let somebody, to let somebody go) yeah, yeah
///
Buck swallows the twisted knot beneath his too big tongue, realizing that he has been silent when Hen uttered her disbelieve following with few questions of what's next and when Ravi had expressed his encouragement.
And the three of them eventually paused to wait for his reaction. Suddenly Buck forgets how to breath.
"Oh." Buck starts lamely. "Guess I'll see you around, then. Don't be a stranger." He finishes on an even lamer note, plastering a too wide smile that masks the ugly bitterness in his heart. Hoping that his friends won't see the shattering lines on his facade. Mastering the perfect best friend persona.
Because what else Buck supposed to say? Words had failed him before and he had spending half of his life begging for people he loves to stay. To love him anyway.
Buck wants nothing more than to talk Eddie out of his decision. But the tension between them are so great right now, Buck is questioning his standing in their friendship.
Because this tension is not something Buck could simply fix, and Buck doesn't want to overstep, no. Eddie had told him before that not everything need fixing or able to be fixed. And maybe this is one of them.
He has now come to realize that somehow he had selfishly taken their relationship for granted, naively believing that it would always be there for them to amend, to revisit the integral issues another day, another time. But that time may had long passed.
So Buck did what he has always done.
He let go.
Because when you love somebody so deeply, you know when to let them go.
So now Buck is letting Eddie go.
Just like he had let Maddie and Abby go.
Ali and Taylor too, eventhough he doesn't think he had loved them like he did with Abby, he still let them go because what's the point of keeping them back with him when they already decided to go?
People always leaves him.
And it would be incredibly selfish of Buck to ask them to stay, what's more making them choose when they already decided.
Soon, the promises to stay in touch and be in contact will slowly becoming a disparity and later will come the inevitable fallout.
It's only natural for him to let go.
///
Oh, oh-oh, (oh) when you love somebody (oh)
When you love somebody (oh)
Got to let somebody know
Oh, oh-oh, (oh) when you love somebody (oh)
When you love somebody (oh)
Got to let somebody know
So, when you love somebody
When you love somebody
Then it hurts like so
///
"Don't be a stranger."
The words ring painfully in Eddie's ears as he watches Buck's face closed off into a tight mask full of plastic smiles, the perfect facade that the blonde has perfected from years of heartbreaks and depravation.
Stranger.
They have been almost strangers way before the bullet tore its path through Eddie's shoulder.
They have been growing apart since Eddie told the younger man that he had invited Ana for her first movie night with a clear intention to introduce her to Chris as his girlfriend, a silent implication that the Buckley-Diaz weekly movie night would need to be rescheduled for another time. And Buck didn't complained, not even when Eddie cancelled their plan for the fourth time to make way for date night nor the fifth when Eddie wanted a special bonding time between Chris and Ana.
Dating Ana was one of the biggest mistake he had committed, and now saying his intention to leave out loud, Eddie couldn't help himself but to wonder if this is another mistake about to happen.
Eddie likes to think that he knows Buck better than anybody else. Even proud of himself for it. But now Eddie hates that he's able to see every shift of Buck's expressions, from the initial wounded look which now has been replaced with a smile that is far from genuine slithered on the blonde's face.
Guilt starts to rear its ugly head knowing that he is the cause of such pain for Buck.
But this is for Christopher, Eddie has reminded himself. It is only the right thing to do.
His son who has been struggling without Eddie knowing.
And he knows Buck will do anything for Chris.
Even if it cause him pain.
Because Buck will understand. Buck always does.
Without question. Anything for Christopher.
Is Eddie being selfish for taking full advantage of that knowledge? Knowing that Buck won't get mad at him for choosing to leave for Chris, when Eddie remembered very well how mad he was when Buck sprung up about his intention of putting in a transfer, and had snarkily asked the younger man who is going to replace him?
And now he is doing the same thing to Buck and Buck was not even given the fair opportunity to be visibly upset at him, with Chris is sitting only few metres away from where they're standing.
He would soothe himself by thinking that they will talk about this at other times, but deep down, Eddie is not convinced they ever will. They have so many conversations due between them, tucked in a "Talk Latter Box" that is about to burst. And today's talking notes will surely be shoved into that box once they leave the party.
What they would have sometimes in the near future is for some words to be exchanged between them, just to conclude that the talk is over. Just a talk, never a conversation.
When did they stop conversing?
"Buck..." Eddie tries as he moves an inch forward after seeing Hen and Ravi exchanging glances.
Eddie sees the smile falters on Buck's lips.
"Hey, I got it, man. It's for Chris." Buck fist bumps the air meekly. "I'm going to miss you, but I know you would decide for what's best for Chris. It's you and him against the world, right. Always has been." Buck nods, trying to sound supportive, but Eddie could hear the bitterness in his words.
Eddie wants to protest. It was Chris and him against the world before. But now Buck is in it too, not only standing on the sidelines.
"That won't happen to us." The words had easily fell from his mouth then.
"Better not." Buck had replied, pleaded after meeting Red, his insecurities high in place.
And Eddie had shown in numerous ways to makesure Buck knows that he will always have a place in their home. So that he would know he is always belong.
But now, looking back, that's what Abby had done too, letting Buck moved in with her, giving the man a false sense of belonging.
And Buck had once told Chris about the sacred pinky-promise, just like Maddie had pinky-promised Buck that he would always have her, but yet she left. Though Eddie couldn't blame her, Maddie needs help.
"You're stuck with us."
And here Eddie is telling Buck that he's leaving the 118.
It's inevitable for Buck to feel abandoned once again, eventhough Eddie is not planning to leave the City, and neither he's leaving Buck any time soon.
But does Buck knows? Really knows and understand the weight of this matter when all Eddie could feel right now is the distance between them?
"Buck, you know I'm not leaving you, right?" Eddie sees Hen giving a side eyes to Ravi, and slowly, both of them move back towards other crowd, giving the two some space to talk freely.
"Yeah...sure." There's a slight note of resignation in Buck's tone. Defeated.
"I'm not. Nothing will change between us." Eddie tries to reassure Buck again.
"That's where you're wrong, Eddie. We have already changed, and things would continue to change especially when you leave." Buck mutters, the words only above shallow whispers full of resignation.
Eddie could vehemently denies but they have been drifting apart for these past months. And deep down, Eddie knows he is not okay himself, but that is not the focus here just yet. His focus should be on Christopher, who is having terrible nightmares and fear of Eddie being dead by next year.
And his focus now is that he is losing his best friend, whom he loves beyond what he imagined he's capable of.
"Ask me to stay, Buck." Eddie says as he steps forward closer to the younger man.
"What?... I'm not going to do that, Eddie. Come on. It is not fair for either of us. I'm not gonna make you back up from your decision." Buck shakes his head in disbelief. Eddie had confided him previously about Chris' nightmares, and if Eddie thinks this is the best step for them, Buck doesn't want to be someone who steps in between the decision. But he thinks he at least has the right to feel hurt for getting blindsided.
"Ask me anyway." Eddie pleads again, reaching out to grab Buck's left hand into his own. This might not be the simple solution they're looking for, but just by being here is simple enough for both of them. And Eddie wants to be brave for once.
Somehow, Buck hears the layer underneath Eddie's request as he tighten his hold onto the brunette's hand.
"Stay with me, please." Buck finally asks.
"Of course. Anytime."