Chapter Text
From a very young age, Atsumu had been extremely aware of the fundamental differences between Osamu and him despite being identical twins. He honed in on them. Searched for every way he was the tiniest bit unconnected to his other piece. When he noticed more and more fractures in their puzzle pieces, their genetic makeup, he saw them less and less as one.
Osamu inhaled his food-crumbs flying everywhere-but still managed to always clear his plate spotless. Atsumu ate slower to avoid stomach aches he was prone to, Osamu wasn't, and liked to talk between bites-often with food still in his mouth. Osamu walked slightly concaved into himself when around others. Atsumu preened and held his shoulders back, head high. Osamu could be silent-could deal with silence. Atsumu couldn't. Atsumu was more emotional, but guarded and hated sensitivity, pity, and his own vulnerability. Osamu was less emotional, but more understanding and could be serious without cracking a joke or avoiding whomever he opened up to for a while after like Atsumu. When Atsumu noticed all these core differences he couldn't unsee it or understand how no one else seemed to be aware of it, until they were and he wished they would've gone back to not noticing, to keep confusing them as one in the same.
Atsumu thrived off of the praise of others. Knowing his own skill or worth was never enough for him to be satisfied, and neither was he happy enough when his praise was lumped in with Osamu's. His brother, on the other hand, could survive off his assuredness and his own private acknowledgement that he was good at something. Contrastingly, Atsumu didn't care to be liked-or rather he didn't care to change himself or try . Osamu did try. Tried to be everything Atsumu wasn't. And he succeeded. Their pa always told Atsumu that he was the "likable twin" whereas Osamu was the "loveable twin". That he was the twin people were around "for a good time but not a long time" while Osamu was the "forever twin". Atsumu never disagreed when he saw how the younger was always invited to hang out with "their" friends.
Osamu had always been more independent than Atsumu who didn't like being alone and quickly grew co-dependent on those who stuck around. Like Pa. Like Osamu. He cried the first time Osamu went to a sleepover.
Atsumu's love language was quality time and physical touch, while Osamu's was acts of service and gift giving.
Their biggest, most major and detrimental difference was that Osamu was a mama's boy and Atsumu was a papa's boy.
Miya Aiko, the twins' mama, was more similar to Osamu in her quieter nature. It was easy for them to bond over cooking with Miya Chiyo. Atsumu never found much appeal in the kitchen, he got distracted easily and wasn't very patient. Aiko and Osamu were the opposite of Astumu in those regards. They would play puzzles together, ones that lasted weeks as they would only ever do them together, and Osamu would try to help with dinner. He wasn't much better than Atsumu in the distraction aspect, multiple times had he accidentally left boiling noodles on the stove for longer than necessary. Aiko only let him cook with an adult watching. Atsumu had his own relationship with Aiko, of course, but nothing like theirs. He'd watch them, sometimes, joke back and forth with each other. How it looked like an actual conversation instead of a constant lecture. He'd allow himself to yearn for that for a few seconds before pushing it down and reminding himself you have that with pa. Don't be selfish about this, 'Tsumu. There were a lot of things Atsumu would willingly be selfish about. His brother? If he could help it? Never.
Miya Aku was never home for longer than a few weeks at a time before leaving for around a month and coming back. He was home all the time when the twins first started volleyball. He encouraged Atsumu to keep playing, keep trying, when the sport frustrated him to his wits end. He took Atsumu to the park after practice so the boy could play more. He indulged in all of Atsumu's whims. His wants for Aku to toss the ball to him. His pleads to buy him and 'Samu knew shoes when theirs were dead. Aku played old volleyball matches on the television to watch with the boy, and messed with his hair and enjoyed tickle fights and took his side in sibling arguments and cuddled him and kissed his cheeks and held his hand in public and Atsumu grew attached.
When Aku began leaving, Atsumu became lonely.
Osamu went out with his friends a lot, and yes he always invited 'Tsumu to join-who always declined, and volleyball wasn't as fun to play alone. He would've tried asking kids from school to play, but no one wanted to hang out with the twin who talked too loud, too much, and came off as mean. Aiko would sit with Atsumu on the couch and watch television while he chatted about anything and everything that came to mind whenever Osamu wasn't home and she wasn't working at the hospital or too tired. When she was tired, she and Atsumu would cuddle in her bed. She would run her fingers through his hair to lull him to sleep before her, always a mother first.
But Osamu was still a mama's boy, and Atsumu was still a papa's boy.
When Aku would come back, he'd never explain to Atsumu why he was gone or where he was going, but his Kansai dialect got fainter each time.
Sometimes Atsumu would cry. He never liked to cry in front of others, even as a child, but he was a social person who healed from interaction and suffered in silence. If Aiko wasn't there to wipe away his tears, Chiyo was. Chiyo was someone the twins heavily looked up to because of her composure and grace. Atsumu hated the most crying in front of her, but the frustration he gained towards himself never failed to make the tears fall faster and his sobs louder. As he'd cry, she'd whisper under her breath while rocking him, "tha' idiot son o' mine, what are you doin' to this poor boy?"
Osamu never cried about their dad leaving. He was a mama's boy, after all.
Once, when Aku came home yet again, Atsumu yelled at him for the first time. They were the only ones home.
"Wha' di' I da ta make ya leave mah?!?" He asked before glaring defiantly at his father. Alligator tears ran down his face. Aku frowned.
"Oh, Atsu..." Only Aku had ever called him that, "my sweet little boy, you didn't do anything." He furrowed his brows as Aku kneeled in front of him. He was a tad taller than the brunette even then. "But if ya'd still like to make it up ta me..?" He murmured and raised his hand to stroke Atsumu's cheek, ignoring the tears completely. Atsumu nodded, confused.
"Of course ya would my sweet little boy. So eager to please."
Despite his promise, he didn't come back any sooner than he would've before and Atsumu was left feeling even more confused than previously.
His skin constantly felt dirty, the numerous showers did nothing to erase the invisible dust and germs. His mother noticed his skin, drier than Osamu.
The extra cover of lotion did nothing to clean his soul.
The second time it happened was when Aku came back, and they were alone in the house again. Only this time he wrapped Atsumu in a hug, and gripped his wrist tightly. He ignored the boy's whimpers, and murmured against his ear, "You be a good boy now, Atsu, remember you're doing this because I love you and you don't want me to leave again, do you?" He rapidly shook his head and whispered,
"n-naw, please don' leave." Aku cooed and used his right hand, the one not holding onto Atsumu's wrist, to pet the boy's hair.
"Then be sure to keep this between us, okay?"
His voice broke, "ok-a-y papa." His eyes were blown wide, a tear slipping down his cheek. Aku hummed.
"My sweet little boy, so eager to please papa."
He wore long sleeves for a few days.
Atsumu learned that it was pretty easy to hide the bruises, as infrequent as they were due to his father's schedule. He also learned how to perform so it was over faster. How to act so it would hurt less.
Those were the aspects he could deal with. There were a handful he couldn't.
His showers got more frequent, longer, and hotter. Aiko was worried, Chiyo was worried, Osamu was oblivious, but Atsumu couldn't get out until his body was red, raw, and stinging. Until the wrong feeling was as close to being wiped away as possible.
He glared at his palms as the water pelted at his back. "I don't get it..." He whispered, "aren't I supposed to like it...?" Tears welled in his eyes and he sat down directly under the stream with his head resting between his knees pulled up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around his midsection as he shook like a cherry blossom leaf in the wind. "What's wrong with me?" His voice cracked.
Another horror in itself were the nightmares. Ever elusive and forgotten as soon as he shot up, but they still shook him to the core. Most mornings, if not all, he woke up in Osamu's bunk cuddled into his twin's side.
Then there were the UTIs. Never bad enough that Atsumu ever told anyone, not that he knew what they were, but frequent and painful.
While the Miya's were known to be loud in every aspect, Aiko and Chiyo were quieter in their worry and comfort. Chiyo started giving Atsumu a melatonin gummy disguised as a vitamin each night after she noticed dark circles become more prominent under his eyes. Aiko started lengthening the twins' curfew outside, by only thirty minutes, so Atsumu would have more time to play volleyball. They both took to making fatty tuna, his favorite food, more often-especially Chiyo who stressed cooked and baked.
Food was another thing. While Atsumu normally had an above average appetite for a six year old, which didn't change, he stopped being able to stomach as much food when his dad was home, that or his throat was too sore to eat anything too solid. The throwing up sometimes occurred when Aku was away, too, but for the most part only when he thought too hard or woke up from a particularly grueling nightmare. There were a few times when no outward occurrence even caused chunks to be spewed but rather his stomach became a bit more food sensitive in general. That or it was his fingers shoved down his throat to be rid of the wrong feeling.
To settle his stomach on good days, he ate slower than before. He tried to hide his intentions by making more chatter between small bites, but the worried glances even began to come from his twin who was the first to notice he was eating strange. "Muhat's ump wich cha?" Rice flew out of his mouth and Atsumu cringed. He shrugged,
"Nothin'." Osamu swallowed and gestured to his bento box. Only most of the lighter foods like his vegetables were fully gone.
"Yer'v barely touched yer food." Atsumu wrinkled his nose.
"Mah stomach's been botherin' meh." Osamu furrowed his brows and slightly tilted his head. Do I look that dumb when I'm confused?
"Yer stomach alway' hurts." He deadpanned.
"Ya exactly." Osamu narrowed his eyes at Atsumu.
"Hmm... Okay." He shrugged and went back to his rice. Atsumu breathed a silent sigh of relief.
Atsumu got really good at lying.
His dentist noticed something was off when he was eight, a year and a few months since the throwing up started. Aiko had taken him in for his six month cleaning. She stood beside where he laid while Osamu sat at a chair in the corner of the room reading a manga he brought from home. Atsumu switched from glaring at him to smiling at his mother when she caught his eye and staring at the ceiling. He puffed out his cheeks and struggled to blow air at his hair.
"Astumu-chan?" The dentist looked up from his computer. Atsumu brightened. Finally.
"Ya?"
"Do ya throw up often, by any chance?" Aiko was immediately on alert. and even Osamu set down his book.
Atsumu felt like he'd been doused in below freezing water. "Na nawt really, why? Wha's tha' gat ta do with mah teeth?"
The man chuckled a bit and raised his hands placatingly. "Relax relax, I di'nt mean ta worry ya folks any. It's jus' tha yer teeth are unnaturally white for yer age which can cause teeth problems for ya down the road, and while there can be many factors like brushin' ta hard, ta much water with fluoride in it, or nawt enough calcium; throwin' up ta much and ta often is sadly a very common and dangerous cause so I had ta ask." He heard more than he saw his mother sigh in relief while he himself relaxed back into his chair. Osamu eyed him before returning to his manga.
Aiko nodded, "What would ya recommend we do ta try and reverse the problem?"
"Well, ideally we'd wan' ta know the cause of the whiteness..." He glanced at Atsumu who shrugged and smiled slightly apologetically, "but since we don't, I'd say to try n' get yer hands on a water tha' lacks a latta minerals and find yerself an enamel preserving tooth paste." He turned back to Atsumu. "And Atsumu-chan, if ya care 'bout yer teeth, I'd take extra care to brush an floss ever'day so ya can keep em."
"Gawt it!" He smiled as brightly as he could.
Atsumu threw up as soon as they got home.
His doctor, too, noticed something was off. He brought it up after Osamu and his' weights were taken and they were back in the check up room with Aiko. "Ya both play volleyball, yea?"
Osamu looked confused while Atsumu's eyes widened, "Yea! All tha time, why?"
"I'm jus' a tad worried bout yer weight, Atsumu-chan." Atsumu furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at himself.
"Mah weight?" Why not Osamu’s? He pouted.
"Ya've jus' los’ more than I'm happy bout." Osamu and Aiko frowned. The doctor smiled at Aiko.
"Now it could jus' be from ya bein' pretty active, but contrastin' from yer previous visits and yer brother's weight tha' doesn' seem ta be tha case." Aiko chewed on her lip as the doctor went on. "It is, however, highly likely tha' yer metabolism is very fast n' jus' now startin' ta kick in." Her shoulders sagged. The twins still looked confused. Osamu opened his mouth first,
“Wha’ does tha’ mean?” Aiko smiled, rested her hand on his knee and squeezed lightly.
“Jus’ means ‘Tsumu’s body’s burnin’ off food ta fas’ for ‘im ta keep up with.”
“Exactly.” He smiled. “I’d recommend adding more high calorie foods into Atsumu-chan’s diet.”
Glancing in the mirror after that appointment had never made him feel so small, and sick. He threw up again.
As he got older he grew hungrier, colder, and lonelier and felt more and more like there was something wrong with him. Volleyball was a good distraction; his favorite distraction. He threw himself into it alone or with his twin. He ignored all the symptoms of malnutrition, and abuse, and molestation, because what else are children to do but act like children?
He was ten when Aku got caught for the first time.
Osamu was at a sleepover with some of "their" friends from school. Chiyo was staying with "Tea Friend" as Atsumu dubbed her. She was a kind old lady, much frailer than Chiyo, that came over every once in a while to have tea with Chiyo. She adored Atsumu and he loved the attention she gave him when he sat with them holding a matching cup, but plastic instead of glass, filled with hot chocolate. Aiko was covering someone's shift at the hospital. She tended to pile on as many extra shifts as she could whenever Aku was home.
Since the twins turned ten, Aku had gotten rougher with his treatment, and when Atsumu'd start crying he'd say, "pain is good for you Atsu, it's toughening you up. It's too girlish to be cryin' like this, huh?" He'd tilt his head in that condescending way of his and angle Atsumu's face up and into the light emanating from the ceiling as if to get a better look at his pain.
"Plus you're such an ugly crier, you should be thankin' me." It wasn't a suggestion.
"Tha- tha- thank ya-a pa."
"There's my sweet little boy." He wondered when he stopped preening from his father's praise and rather cringing.
It hurts. Make it stop.
His tears continued falling, and his father never stopped .
Aku was being especially harsh that day. Atsumu could tell he was stressed as soon as he got home from the park. His hair was a mess and he reeked of alcohol. He yanked on Atsumu's wrist and practically dragged the boy to the couch. Aku always did it in the living room, said he didn't want to deal with the mess on his bed. The ten year old could tell that things would be different when he was forced onto his stomach immediately. His father didn't compliment him or placate him as he usually would. He only let the child's sobs and choked moans spur him on.
Everything was a blur for Atsumu. It always was. He drifted between floating above it all and being excruciatingly aware. He faintly remembered hearing a scream before something or rather someone was ripped off him. He curled into himself on the couch and shivered. A familiar sensation stirred in his gut and he leaned over on instinct before he emptied his breakfast mixed with bile all over the floor. He tried to eat less when he knew Aku would be home.
There was so much noise. It was too loud. He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. Heaving sobs attacked him. He couldn't breathe .
Someone was touching him. He flinched.
The hands clenched against his ears were removed. They were bright red. "'Tsumu, 'Tsumu honey, it's ma, it-it's mama." His cry-screams got louder as he wrapped himself around her.
"It hur's! Mama it hur's! Make it stop please!" He shrieked. She ran her hand through his hair rapidly.
"I know. I know baby I'm so sorry it'll be over soon I promise." She rocked them. "Breathe, baby, breathe."
"It's so loud!" She gently placed her hands over his ears and continued to murmur words against his head. Her own tears ran silently down her cheeks as she kissed his head.
Atsumu stayed zoned out for most of the ride to the hospital. Aiko had waited until he calmed down to quickly grab him a new pair of underwear, a soft sweat shirt and pair of sweatpants. She helped him step into them as comfortably and slowly as possible, her heart clenching every time he flinched. Chiyo showed up after that, having been called immediately after Aku was forced out. Aiko had her grab Atsumu an extra pair of clothes and other necessities like his tooth brush, tooth paste, and his blanket. Chiyo also placed his soiled clothes in a plastic bag. The whole time Aiko sat with Atsumu curled around her middle on the couch, they sat on the smaller one, his head buried into her stomach. She ran her fingers through his hair all the while.
Chiyo drove them. She glanced through the rear-view mirror at the pair every few seconds. A worried frown was stuck on her face. Atsumu hadn't spoken at all since Aiko got him to stop sobbing and hyperventilating, but his eyes stayed wide open.
For Aiko, requesting a sexual assault exam for her son really cemented what her husband had done-had been doing apparently.
The hospital staff had been as kind and comforting to Atsumu as possible, but they still had to stop multiple times for Aiko to calm him down. Chiyo sat outside, as Atsumu wouldn't let anyone but his mother and one nurse, Sasaki Miyu, anywhere near him. When one of the male nurses tried to touch him, he screamed and backed himself into the wall on the exam table.
Sasaki talked them, more for Atsumu's solace than Aiko's, through the whole process and made sure Atsumu was always aware of what she was doing or what she was going to do before she did it. She cleaned and patched up his injuries as gently as possible, though he was given medication to help with the pain. Afterwards, she had Atsumu take a shower and dress in the clothes Chiyo brought him. He held Aiko's hand almost the whole time. The doctor decided it was a good idea to keep him overnight and have him get a psych evaluation done the next day, along with having Child Protective Services come by.
Chiyo went home so Osamu wouldn't be alone when he got back, and Aiko stayed. Sasaki sat with Atsumu when his mother left with the doctor to recount what happened. She was skeptical about leaving him at first, especially since her son had been so reluctant to be without her, but Sasaki just kneeled in front of his bed and asked, "Hey, Atsumu-Chan? Would ya be okay with mah keeping ya company while yer mama goes and talks ta tha doctor? It's very important." His honey brown eyes met her dark green eyes. She smiled at him. He glanced up at his mother and back to her.
"H-how long?" His voice was hoarse and judging by his wince it was painful to talk.
"Not very long, I promise." He glanced between the two once more, and nervously at Satō behind them, before giving a very small nod and looking back at his lap. Aiko squeezed his hand and kissed his head.
"I'll be right back, honey." He nodded once more.
Silence descended between the pair as soon as the door shut behind Aiko. Sasaki slowly stood up and sat beside Atsumu's knees and extended her hand to him. "Would ya like to hold mah hand?" She spoke quietly. He rested his in hers without a word. "I work with yer ma, ya know?" He looked at her again and shook his head. "Yea! we have lattsa fun tagether."
"Like wha'?"
"For starters we love ta go n play with tha babies in tha daycare." He furrowed his brows and slightly tilted his head.
"There's a daycare a’ tha ho'pital?"
"Where else do ya think all tha troubled kids go? We autta put ya in there." She laughed at him. He pouted.
"Nah fair." He mumbled. "We should put 'Samu there." She laughed again.
"I like the way you think! 'Samu-chan's yer brother?"
"Yea!" He smiled for the first time since he opened the front door that evening.
"When I said I'd see ya later, I didn' mean this soon." Satō spoke as soon as the door shut behind them. Aiko sighed.
"Yea, wasn' ma plan either Satō-san."
"What happened Miya-san?"
"Well... Ya know how I got let off early from tha’ extra shift I was suppos' ta take?"
"Yes, yes I briefly recall ya being told ta rest."
"Yea, uh I walked inside mah house ta see-ta see-" She placed her hand over her mouth as a sob hiccupped out. He rubbed her back gently before she bent at the knees, racked with sobs.
Satō joined her on the hospital floor and allowed Aiko to collapse onto him. Nurses, doctors, patients, and families alike gazed at them with looks between pity, empathy, and some avoided them altogether. He rubbed between her shoulder blades until only hiccups disrupted her breathing. Both adults sported pools of snot on their shirts-Aiko's dried up.
They stood up slowly, Aiko dusting herself off. "I'm so sorry." He smiled slightly,
"All in a day's work." A frown returned to his lips and he spoke very softly, "I must ask, Miya-san, who did this?"
She ran a hand through her shoulder length wavy light brown hair. She whispered, "It was mah husband."
When Aiko returned to Atsumu's room with a blotchy face, she was more than surprised to find him animatedly talking to Sasaki through a yawn and a smile. Her lips lifted at the sight. "Tired? 'Tsumu?" He turned to her and brightened up.
"Mama!" He held out his hand covered in a wrist splint to her. She made her way over to the bed and sat on the chair pulled up to the side. She ran her fingers through his hair. His eyes shut and he sighed. She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead.
"Thank ya fer this, Sasaki-san." Sasaki shook her head.
"It was mah pleasure." She smiled, "yer boy's a toughie." Aiko watched as Atsumu drifted off to sleep.
"Yea, he is."