Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first time Donghyuck looks in the mirror and actually realizes he's uncomfortable in his own skin, it scares the shit out of him. 

He tries not to let it show too much—his boyfriend is next to him, rambling on about the vacation he went on with his brother, completely oblivious to the crisis Donghyuck is going through. Mark has always been a little oblivious, and maybe right now that's a good thing. 

“Uh, Mark?” Donghyuck says, wincing when he realizes he interrupted him. “I don't really feel up for our date tonight, I’m sorry. We should just stay in.” 

Mark, the absolute angel that he is, doesn't show even a hint of being upset. Instead, his eyes go wide and his expression morphs into one of concern. “That's totally fine, don't worry about it. Are you okay?” 

Not at all, but he's not going to tell Mark that. Telling him would mean explaining himself, and honestly, he doesn't even have his own explanation worked out yet. All he knows is that when he looked in the mirror and saw a girl staring back at him, he felt sick. 

“I’m just tired,” Donghyuck says, and it's not a total lie. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

Mark frowns, reaching forward to gently brush Donghyuck’s bangs out of his face. “You don't have to make it up to me, you know? Put yourself first, babe. I’ll never be mad at you for that.” 

Donghyuck nods, allowing Mark to pull him close and press a soft kiss to his forehead. When he exits the bathroom, Donghyuck exhales, staring in the mirror one more time. 

Long hair, pronounced curves, soft jawline. Donghyuck feels like he's looking at a stranger. He feels trapped in his own body, and it's such a heavy feeling that it makes him nauseous. 

It isn’t a completely foreign feeling. Donghyuck has always felt off in regards to his appearance and body type—especially around the time puberty set in—but never to this extent. He always chalked it up to a self confidence issue or something of the sort, and he never inspected his thoughts on it. Right now, though, it feels like he’s suffocating, and when he forces his eyes away from the mirror the feeling doesn’t go away. 

“Haechan? Are you coming back to our room?”

Donghyuck grimaces at the name, but he isn’t sure why. It’s his name, for fucks sake, why is everything setting him off? 

“Coming!” Donghyuck responds, taking one last look in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. Whatever just happened can be unpacked later, whether it be days or weeks or months. Just not now.

Besides, it might go away. He’s felt similarly before, but it's never made him this uncomfortable or confused. He hopes it's just a one-off and he’ll be fine the next day. With that thought in mind, Donghyuck finds his way into Mark’s bed, cuddling into the other’s hold.

⚣

It doesn't go away. 

In fact, it gets way worse. Maybe that's because Donghyuck is overly aware of it now. Every time he looks in the mirror, he starts to feel more and more like something is terribly wrong, like a growing itch under his skin that he can't quite scratch. 

He tries to ignore it, he really does, but everything escalates two months later when he’s at his best friend’s house trying to get ready for a party. 

It's been a while since Donghyuck has had the chance to get out of his and Mark’s shitty apartment and wind back. Exam season has been kicking everyone’s asses, and he’s no exception. When he got an invite to a party hosted by Renjun’s boyfriend, he couldn't pass up the opportunity.

He’s totally fine as Renjun curls his hair, allowing it to bounce freely over Donghyuck’s shoulders. He’s totally fine as Renjun does his makeup, going for a darker look with smokey eyeshadow and deep maroon lipstick. He can't see himself yet, Renjun is blocking the mirror, but he can see everything Renjun picks up. She’s done this look before, and she's quite skilled at it, so Donghyuck trusts her. 

But, despite his previous eagerness to go and his anticipation to see Renjun’s handiwork, his entire mindset changes as soon as he slips into his black bodycon dress. As he’s tugging it on, something already feels wrong, but as soon as he looks in the mirror his heart sinks. 

Don't get him wrong, he looks hot. This dress is one that he's worn plenty of times, one that brings out the curves of his chest and hips, one that had landed him multiple hook-ups before he met Mark. 

And yet, Donghyuck can't help but hate everything he used to enjoy about the dress.

“I don't feel good,” Donghyuck says, tearing his eyes away from the mirror and looking at the floor. His chest feels tight, his eyes burn, his heart is racing. “I think I’m gonna have a panic attack.” 

Renjun isn't in Donghyuck’s line of sight, but he can hear her drop everything and rush over. In a split second, there's a hand on his cheek, tilting his face up to face his best friend. “Do you want me to hug you? We can talk this out,” Renjun offers. 

Donghyuck nods quickly, allowing himself to be pulled into a hug. His face gets buried into Renjun’s shoulder, and his makeup and hair are probably getting ruined, but that isn't any of his concern right now. Right now, all he can hear is his own heartbeat, barely drowned out by Renjun’s soothing words. 

This isn't the first panic attack he's had, but it's definitely the first one he's had out of nowhere, and it's way worse than how his other recent ones felt. His breathing is so labored that his hands and face are going numb, his entire body shaking as he sobs into Renjun’s shoulder. 

“I don't know what's going on,” Donghyuck chokes out, still unable to control his breathing. “I was fine, and then I wasn’t, and suddenly every time I look in the mirror I don’t feel like myself.” 

There's a kiss pressed to the crown of Donghyuck's head and a gentle hand rubbing circles on his back, and somehow Renjun manages to hug him tighter. He feels so dizzy, so out of place, so wrong. The tightness of his dress suddenly becomes suffocating. 

“Get this dress off of me,” he begs. “Please.” 

Renjun quickly complies, finding the zipper over Donghyuck’s back and pulling it down. As soon as she does, Donghyuck tugs it over his legs, discarding it somewhere in the room and not caring where it lands. 

As soon as it's off, Donghyuck sinks to the floor and curls his knees into his chest, sobbing as Renjun runs her fingers through his hair to calm him. “It's okay, Haechan-ah. Let it out,” she whispers, but it only makes everything worse, that name causing his stomach to turn. 

“Don't call me that.” It comes out more harsh than Donghyuck wanted it to, but Renjun doesn't seem to mind, her hand still working through Donghyuck’s curls. 

“What should I call you?” 

“I don't know, I really don't know.” 

“That's alright,” Renjun assures, and there’s some sort of understanding in her tone. “You don't have to know. Just let it out, love.” 

Donghyuck pulls his knees closer to his chest, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down. He doesn't know how long he sits there, but once his fit is over, the reality of the situation kicks in. 

Here he is, sitting half naked on Renjun’s floor, crying his eyes out over a dress , which he probably ripped while taking off. Somehow he doesn't mind that he ripped it, but embarrassment from everything else quickly sinks in. 

“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck sniffs, trying to carefully wipe his eyes. His fingers come away coated with bleeding mascara and shimmering powder, and he laughs awkwardly, trying to mask how upset he feels. “I ruined your hard work.” 

“Nonsense, don't apologize for that. It isn't the end of the world.” 

“It kind of feels like it.” 

“Do you mind me asking what exactly is going on?” 

Donghyuck sighs, biting the inside of his cheek and fixing his gaze forward. “I don't know, Ren. Every time I look in the mirror, I just… it feels like I should look different.” 

“Do you think you aren't pretty?” 

“No, that isn't the problem.” 

Renjun fully sits down, crossing her legs and propping her face in her hands so she’s eye level with Donghyuck. “What about seeing yourself sets you off? Is it something specific?” Renjun asks quietly. 

Donghyuck nods, looking away from Renjun’s eyes. “It's everything, but it's mainly—mainly my figure, my hair. I wish my face was sharper, more—um, more…” 

“Masculine?” Renjun finds the word before Donghyuck does, and then suddenly, everything clicks into place. 

He feels like a bucket of ice water was just poured over his head, and his eyes shoot up to meet Renjun’s. “Oh,” he whispers, voice small as everything hits him at once. 

Renjun has that same look of understanding again, and Donghyuck knows that she knows. She always knows when it comes to Donghyuck, really, but this is different. 

“What if this is just… just a phase I’m having?” 

“That's for you to figure out,” Renjun says. “I thought the same thing when I was younger, and look at me now. Sure, for some it may be a phase, but I don't know how long you've felt like this.” 

“It's been building for years, I think, but it only really started bothering me a couple months ago. I didn't know what was wrong until just now.” 

Renjun pushes herself to her feet and offers a hand to Donghyuck, who takes it gratefully. Once they're both on their feet, Renjun gestures for Donghyuck to sit on the bed, and he complies. 

“I’m not gonna sit here and lie to your face and say it's easy,” Renjun says, taking a seat next to Donghyuck, “because it isn't. It was hard for me, and still is, but I know you. You're really strong, and even if you struggle, I’m right here.” 

“Thanks, Ren.” 

Renjun wraps an arm around Donghyuck, and in return, Donghyuck rests his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes and relaxing. “I’m sorry you're missing your boyfriend’s party.” 

“He won't care, he’ll understand,” Renjun says. “Best friends come before stupid college parties. I get to make fun of him when he has a hangover tomorrow and I don’t.” 

Donghyuck laughs, but then something comes to his mind, and his smile drops. Renjun seems to notice the shift in mood, and she tightens her hold. “What's wrong?” 

“I don't know how I’m supposed to tell Mark.” 

“Ah, right.” 

“This is really stressing me out. I have so much to do,” Donghyuck says, feeling his breathing pick up again. “I need to see a specialist, I need to talk to Mark, I need a new name, I—”

“Hey, hey,” Renjun says softly, rubbing Donghyuck’s back in an attempt to calm him down. “One step at a time, babe. Take it easy. You only just realized everything.” 

“You're telling me of all people to take it easy?” 

Renjun snorts at that, and Donghyuck smiles, happy to have lightened the mood a little bit. “How about this,” Renjun says. “We’re gonna spend tonight picking a name for you, and then we're gonna binge on your favorite shows. I bought your favorite ice cream last night.” 

Donghyuck can feel himself tearing up, and he exhales. “Thanks, Ren. I don't know what I’d be doing without you. Love you.” 

“Love you too. Now, let's go look through some names.”

⚣

Donghyuck. 

As soon as he had heard the name, it felt like his world shifted. He had cried for nearly half an hour after Renjun referred to him with it for the first time, and cried even harder when Renjun gave him a bag full of clothes she wore before she started her transition. 

Now, Donghyuck is back home, and the anxiety he had before is creeping up on him again. He had felt fine when he was in his own little bubble with Renjun, but now that he's not there anymore, reality is crashing into him like a tidal wave. 

Mark isn't back from his own nightlife adventures yet, so Donghyuck takes the opportunity for a very long shower, needing some time to relax and be alone with his thoughts. Before he gets in, he covers the bathroom mirror with a towel, despite the fact that he's going to see his own body anyway. 

At first he's okay. He sings a full ballad before giving up, not happy with the pitch of his voice, but otherwise he's fine for the first fifteen minutes. 

Then it goes downhill. 

As he's conditioning his hair, his mind wanders towards Mark. 

Mark, his boyfriend of three years and counting. The high school romance he never got over, the best friend who stuck by his side his entire life; any cliché in that ballpark would probably fit them. 

Donghyuck is undeniably in love. 

Mark is straight. 

It’s never been a secret that Donghyuck is bisexual. He hooked up with Renjun four years ago, and Renjun’s boyfriend, and Renjun’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. No shame in having a little fun during your late teens, right? 

But Mark is quite the opposite. As far as he’s told anyone, he’s only ever been with girls. Obviously, having dating history with multiple genders isn't a requirement for bisexuality, but Donghyuck is sure Mark would've told him if it were the case, especially since Donghyuck is openly bisexual.

This fact leaves Donghyuck with a dilemma, one that causes his stomach to feel heavy, one that causes his entire body to just ache. 

Does he tell Mark about his ongoing identity crisis and risk being broken up with, or does he keep it to himself and risk whatever personal consequences come with it? 

He really doesn't want to have to break up with Mark. It wouldn’t be the absolute end of the world, but it would definitely crush him for a long time. And sure, Mark isn't the type of person to just break up with him for one thing, but this is a huge deal. If he goes through with transitioning, that changes pretty much every facet of his life. 

He thinks maybe he's getting ahead of himself again, but he quickly pushes that doubt down. The concerns he’s having are real, they aren't baseless, and Donghyuck’s identity isn't going to just magically change itself to fit the body he was born with.

Without realizing it, Donghyuck had sunk to the shower floor, back pressed against the tile wall behind him. His vision is blurred, either from shower water or tears, and his head is pounding. He's way too aware of his body, but at the same time, he can't escape his own mind. 

Donghyuck pulls his legs towards his chest, taking a deep breath. He doesn't want to have another panic attack following the one he had at Renjun’s apartment, but it’s really starting to feel like that’ll be the case. 

“Haechan-ah? You home?” 

Shit. 

Donghyuck opens his mouth to call out and confirm Mark of his presence, but his voice betrays him. He sits there, silent, entire body shaking under the spray of the shower, unable to do anything about it when he hears Mark’s footsteps heading towards the bathroom. 

“You in there, babe?” 

Donghyuck clears his throat. “Yeah,” he manages to get out, but his voice breaks and a single sob forces its way out of him before he even realizes it's coming.

“Woah, what's wrong? Are you okay? Can I come in?” 

“Don't come in!” Donghyuck says hurriedly, curling in on himself. He doesn't want Mark to see him, even though he's seen Donghyuck naked hundreds of times before. His own body is disgusting to him at the moment, he feels ashamed, even though there's nothing to be ashamed of. 

“I won't come in,” Mark assures through the door, “but I do want to help you. Is there a way I can help you?” 

Donghyuck tucks his head between his knees, taking deep breaths. “Can you bring me a change of clothes?” 

Mark probably wasn't expecting that, since he goes silent for a moment. “Of course I can. Anything in particular?” Mark asks. 

“The biggest shirt and hoodie you have,” Donghyuck says, slowly steadying his breathing. “Do you have any sleep shorts that would fit me?” 

“No, but I have some old boxers that might fit you, if you want those?” 

“Yes, please.” 

“Alright, I’ll be right back.” 

When he hears Mark walk away, he takes a final deep breath, pushing himself to his feet. His breathing isn't as erratic as it was before, but it's still a bit labored. He quickly washes the rest of the conditioner out of his hair and does a final rinse down before stepping out, not minding the sudden cold hitting his skin. 

“I’m back.” Mark’s voice makes Donghyuck flinch, but he quickly settles himself down. “Do you want me to come in and give these to you, or should I leave them?” 

Donghyuck chews his lower lip, glancing at the covered mirror. If Mark sees that, he's going to ask about it, but there's no way he's taking the towel down. “Uh, just slip them through the door. I’m sorry for the trouble, Mark.” 

“It's not trouble, I just want to make sure you're okay.” 

Donghyuck is very far from okay. He watches Mark slowly open the door, his eyes closed, and it makes Donghyuck giggle. He grabs the clothes from his boyfriend, watching as Mark shuts the door again. 

“Actually, Mark, can you just… sit outside the door and talk to me? I’m—I’m having a rough night.” 

“Of course, what's going on? You haven't been acting like yourself recently.” 

Donghyuck contemplates his answer while toweling himself off, knowing Mark isn't going to push for an immediate response. He doesn't know what to tell him, how to explain what's been going on in his head without Mark figuring out what’s been really happening. 

What's worse is that Donghyuck hates lying, especially when it comes to Mark. Obviously, there are things that have to be kept private, but the two of them have shared all of their concerns with each other and it would feel morally wrong to keep something this big from Mark. 

He doesn't think of what to say until he's completely dried off and slipping Mark’s boxers on. “Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like a stranger to myself. It's nothing about my looks, I just… I don't think I’m expressing myself the way I want to.” 

“How do you want to express yourself, then?” 

Ah, fuck. He should've expected that question. 

“Well, it's complicated,” Donghyuck says, pulling his head through Mark’s shirt. He's suddenly wrapped up in the scent of rosewood and peppermint, and he relaxes, exhaling slowly as he carefully forms his next words in his head. “For starters, I think I want to cut and dye my hair.” 

Mark hums, and Donghyuck can hear his fingers tapping a beat on the floor. “What color and style? I can probably hit Yuta up and ask if he has any open slots tomorrow.” 

Donghyuck blinks a couple times, shocked. Maybe he should've expected Mark to be nice about it, but Donghyuck’s anxiety has never really been rational. 

“I want it like yours, but a little longer, and more of a golden blonde,” Donghyuck says, still worried. He could've meant anything when he said cut his hair, and maybe Mark was thinking he meant just a bit shorter, maybe he shouldn't have—

“That would suit you really well.” 

What?

“You really think so?” 

“Of course. I think you’re beautiful no matter what you do.” 

That line hits him straight in his heart, and he almost gets stuck in Mark’s hoodie as he processes those words. He manages to free himself, though, successfully bundling up. “You can go now, I’ll meet you in bed in a second.” 

“Alright, call me if you need me.” 

⚣

Once Donghyuck is tucked against Mark in bed, he finds the day’s stresses leaving him, even though there's still that uncomfortable feeling in his whole body. His brain can't seem to shake the fact that something is wrong. 

Renjun had explained it to him when he brought it up earlier, though, so he isn't too worried about it. That doesn't stop him from hating the feeling, though. 

“Why is it so much worse right now?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Donghyuck shakily inhales, staring up at the ceiling. “I feel so trapped in my body, and it's awful, but it's never been this bad. Something feels really wrong.” 

Renjun makes a noise of understanding, shuffling a little to face Donghyuck better. “That's dysphoria. Basically your mind is very angry at the fact your body doesn't match how you feel.” 

“Why is it suddenly so terrible?”

“You're hyper focused on it now. A lot of times, trans men just think they're ‘not like other girls,’” Renjun visibly cringes when she says that, and Donghyuck laughs. “It takes a while to put a name to the feeling, especially if you don't know the signs early on. I saw it in you, though.” 

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, shifting onto his side to look at Renjun. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Renjun says, “I think I just knew. You might not have noticed it, but especially in high school, you paid a lot of attention to the guys. Not in a romantic way, we all knew you liked Mark, but more of… you idolized them, wanted to be like them. It was never like that for the girls, there was always an obvious separation. Never had any close girl friends besides me, and, well.” Renjun laughs, gesturing to the trans flag on her wall. 

“Is it going to be like this forever? The dysphoria being this bad, I mean.” 

“No. Some days are worse than others, like right now for you. Some days it isn't even noticeable. If you start transitioning, it’ll get better, but it takes time.” 

“I’m learning so much.” Donghyuck chuckles, looking over at his best friend. “Where would I be without you, Ren?” 

“Jail, maybe.” 

“Ouch, do you really have such little faith in me?” 

“What’s on your mind?” 

Donghyuck sighs, not looking at Mark. “A lot of things. I’m in a very conflicting situation right now.” 

Mark hums, gently running his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair. “How was the party?” 

Donghyuck blinks, a bit surprised that Mark didn't press for an explanation. Then again, Mark has never been one to dig for information that he isn't supposed to know. 

“I didn't go,” Donghyuck says, mindlessly playing with the hem of Mark's shirt. “I had a panic attack while I was getting ready, so I just stayed with Renjun.” 

“Is there something I can do to help you?”

“It's very personal, I don't feel comfortable talking about it anymore.” 

“Ah, alright,” Mark says, pressing a kiss to the crown of Donghyuck’s head. “You should get some rest. I love you.” 

Donghyuck smiles, warmth settling in all of his bones. “I love you too.” 

⚣

The next day, Mark fulfills his promise by bringing Donghyuck to Yuta's salon. 

He offers to pay, but Donghyuck quickly shuts it down, telling Mark that he's already done so much. After a little back and forth, Mark relents, and Donghyuck feels a thrum of victory as he sits in the salon chair. 

When Yuta starts, Mark leaves to grab some food from the fast food place a few blocks away. Almost as soon as he exits the salon, Yuta starts talking. 

“Any reason for this sudden change?” Yuta asks, carefully trimming around Donghyuck’s ears. Donghyuck can see the long strands falling to the floor, and it feels liberating somehow. “You've always had fairly long hair, I never expected you to change it.” 

Donghyuck opens his mouth to speak, but then he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. That sinking feeling comes back full force, and he takes a deep breath. “Before I answer, can you turn me away from the mirror?” 

Yuta stops cutting for a moment, tilting his head curiously. “You sure? I figured you'd want to see what I’m doing.” 

“I’ll wait to be surprised,” Donghyuck lies, tearing his eyes away from his reflection. 

Yuta complies with his wish, turning the chair so Donghyuck faces the other side of the salon. “So, why the new style?” 

Donghyuck starts trying to think of a lie, but then he stops himself. If he tells Yuta the truth, he knows he wouldn't say anything to Mark. Maybe it would lift some of the weight he's feeling. 

“You can’t tell anyone this,” Donghyuck says. “Promise you won't tell Mark what I’m about to tell you.” 

“Promise.” 

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, fixing his gaze on the floor. “I’m—I’m not a girl. I’m—Well, I don't really know, but I know I’m not a girl. Probably trans, honestly, but I haven't really labeled it yet.” 

Total silence, and Yuta stops cutting. Donghyuck squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself for a bad reaction. Instead, though, Yuta starts his trimming again like nothing even happened. 

“I can give you tips, if you want? Some of the people that come here are trans men, their conversations with me can be very helpful.” 

Donghyuck blinks his eyes open, shock flowing through his veins. “Wait, really?” 

“Of course.” Donghyuck can hear the smile in Yuta’s voice. “You can talk to me. I’ll be a good hyung.” 

Hyung. 

“Can I really call you that?”

“I mean, it would be rude to not use honorifics, wouldn't it?” Yuta teases. 

Donghyuck breaks into a wide smile, happiness overwhelming him. “Thank you, hyung.” 

“Is there a different name I should call you?” 

“Donghyuck.” 

Yuta hums in approval, brushing a few stray hairs off of Donghyuck’s neck. “I like that, it suits you well. Did you pick it yourself?” 

“No, Renjun helped me.” 

“Ahh,” Yuta says. “She's probably helping you a lot, right? Since she has firsthand experience.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck confirms. “It's kind of like a trade off. When she started transitioning, I helped her a lot. Now she's returning the favor, I presume.” 

“Well, yeah, but she's also a good friend. People who love you are going to accept you no matter what.” 

Donghyuck’s smile falters, and he swallows, staring at the floor again. “I don't know what Mark is going to think,” Donghyuck says quietly. 

Yuta steps in front of Donghyuck to work on trimming his bangs, but first, he tilts Donghyuck’s chin up to face him. “You shouldn't have much to worry about. Mark really loves you.” 

“I don't even know if he likes guys.” 

“Then ask,” Yuta says. “You two are in a committed relationship, it isn't weird to ask about his sexuality. It’s relevant.” 

Donghyuck goes silent, and Yuta lets go of Donghyuck’s chin to start shaping the front of his hair. “You shouldn't let it build up, you're just going to stress yourself out,” Yuta adds. 

“How would I even go about telling him?” 

“That's for you to figure out, Donghyuck.” 

Donghyuck chews the inside of his cheek, fixing his gaze on the hair falling to the floor. He goes fully silent, hoping for Yuta to pick up conversation again. Thankfully, he does. 

“You know, I've had experiences with my own identity,” Yuta says, voice casual. “I’m not labeled at all, for gender or sexuality. I’m just me.” 

“Have you told anyone?” 

“I don't really need to,” Yuta says. “Whatever people think of when they see me, that's who I am. How do you see me, Donghyuck?” 

Donghyuck thinks for a moment, humming to himself as he sifts through his brain for an answer. “I see you as my hyung.”

“Then that's who I am.”

⚣

“Are you ready to see the finished product?” Yuta asks, finally done drying Donghyuck’s hair. 

Donghyuck laughs nervously, looking at Mark for some sort of approval. “I don't know.” 

Mark gives a small nod, gesturing to the mirror. “I can promise you, you look really amazing.” 

Donghyuck takes a shaky breath, counting to three in his head. “Okay, I’m ready,” he says. 

Yuta swivels the chair around to face the mirror, and as soon as Donghyuck catches a glance at himself, his breath hitches. 

Oh. 

His hair falls just to the middle of his ears, the back slightly longer than the rest. It's a golden blonde color, and it falls in front of his face in a subtle wave, framing his features in the best way. 

The more he looks, the more he starts to feel like himself. 

“Wow,” Donghyuck says, in awe. “It looks so good.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Yuta says. “Your face shape is really good for short hair. You'll probably notice how much lighter it feels and how much easier it will be to maintain.” 

Donghyuck reaches up to run a hand through his hair, eyes glued to the mirror. Yuta’s right, it feels a lot lighter, the strands easily passing through his fingers. “I don't know what to say. I really love it.” Donghyuck has to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying hyung at the end of his sentence. 

When Donghyuck stands up from the chair, Mark comes up to meet him, reaching forward to clasp one of his hands in Donghyuck’s. His other hand comes up to run through his hair, and Donghyuck blushes when Mark tucks a strand behind his ear. 

“You look…” Mark trails off, eyes flitting between Donghyuck’s hair and his eyes. “Handsome,” Mark says softly, only loud enough for Donghyuck to hear it. 

The word hits Donghyuck directly in his heart, and he feels its effect in his chest. He's never been called handsome before, just pretty or beautiful or words like that, but Donghyuck finds he prefers being called handsome a lot more. 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck whispers. “I really like that word, actually.” 

“I'll keep using it then,” Mark says, punctuating his sentence with a soft kiss to Donghyuck’s lips. 

“Wrap it up lovebirds, you're making me miss my boyfriend.” 

Mark pulls away and laughs, looking over at Yuta. “Alright, hyung. We’ll get going now. See you soon?” 

“Of course,” Yuta says, but then he cocks his head towards Donghyuck. “Can you just give us a moment?” 

Mark nods, stepping away from Donghyuck. “Sure, I’ll be waiting in the car.” 

Once he leaves, Yuta turns to Donghyuck, one eyebrow raised. “What did he say earlier that made you so happy?” 

Donghyuck flushes, breaking eye contact and looking at his shoes. “He called me handsome.” 

“Aw, that's so sweet,” Yuta says. “I’m glad. How are you feeling? Do you feel better?” 

Donghyuck nods, looking back up at Yuta. “I feel a lot more like myself now. Thanks for this, hyung.” 

Yuta pulls Donghyuck into his side and ruffles his hair playfully. “Any time, Donghyuck. I’ll call you over to hang out next time I’m not busy. Stay in touch, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Yuta releases Donghyuck, a proud smile on his face. “You're growing up well. I feel like a sibling watching their little brother.” 

“I’m an adult, hyung. Not a kid anymore.” 

Yuta sighs fondly, patting Donghyuck’s head. “That's exactly what a younger brother would say.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he tugs Yuta into a hug, squeezing him tight so he can convey his gratitude. “Again, thank you for everything.” 

“No problem,” Yuta says, squeezing him back once before pulling away. “Now scram, Mark is waiting for you.” 

“Bye, hyung!” 

“Bye, Donghyuck.” 

⚣

When they're back at their apartment, Donghyuck sprawls out on his bed, closing his eyes and sighing. He's allowing himself to feel the happiness from today, basking in it peacefully. 

Soon, though, the bed shifts. “Do you feel better than you did yesterday?” Mark asks, sitting behind Donghyuck’s head and playing with his hair. 

Donghyuck scoots further up the bed to set his head in Mark’s lap, but he doesn't open his eyes. “A lot better. Thank you for today. And every day, really. I love you so much.” 

“Someone's feeling sappy today,” Mark teases, separating three small strands of Donghyuck’s hair to start a braid. “But I love you too. Always will.” 

“No matter what?” 

“As long as you're not committing crimes,” Mark jokes, letting go of the braid and combing his fingers through it to straighten it again. 

Donghyuck laughs, opening his eyes to look at Mark. Mark’s eyes are focused on Donghyuck’s hair, and he can feel Mark forming another braid. “That's your only limit?” 

“Babe,” Mark says, making eye contact with Donghyuck, “I’d love you even if you were like, a guy, or something.”

Donghyuck freezes, watching as Mark returns his focus to playing with his hair. “Oh,” Donghyuck gets out, looking away from Mark to stare at the ceiling. His heart is beating fast enough that he can hear it. 

“What if I were?” Donghyuck says quietly, looking back at Mark. “A guy, I mean.” 

Mark runs a finger through the braid to pull the strands apart again. “I wouldn't care. Whoever you are, whatever you are. I fell in love with your personality, Haechan-ah.”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, trying to calm the beating of his heart. “Call me Donghyuck.” 

Mark stops, letting go of Donghyuck’s hair. He doesn't say anything for a while, and Donghyuck thinks he's fucked everything up, but soon Mark speaks again.

“I love you, Donghyuck.” 

Donghyuck lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding, feeling tears burning in his eyes. He turns over and hides his face in Mark’s knee, trying to stop the tears from spilling. It doesn't work, because as soon as he feels Mark’s hand in his hair, he lets out a sob and the dam breaks. 

Mark is quick to pull Donghyuck up so he’s in a sitting position, maneuvering him so Mark’s arms are around his waist and Donghyuck’s face is buried in Mark’s shoulder. Donghyuck cries even harder, clutching Mark’s back and squeezing his eyes shut. 

“I love you,” Donghyuck says, voice muffled by Mark’s shirt. “God, I don't deserve you.” 

“Don't say that. You deserve the world.” 

The tears don't stop, and Donghyuck holds onto Mark even tighter, getting as close as humanly possible. “I’m not—I don't have a real explanation for myself yet. So please be patient with me.” 

Mark kisses the exposed skin of Donghyuck’s shoulder, a way he usually offers reassurance. “I’m here for you no matter what, alright? If I do something or say something wrong, let me know. I want to help you.” 

Donghyuck doesn't respond, but he knows that Mark understands his silence. He's overwhelmed by emotion, he needs a moment to process everything, and Mark is giving that to him. He always does. 

⚣

It takes roughly fifteen minutes for Donghyuck to regain his bearings. Once he does, he pushes himself out of bed, and Mark doesn't follow. He understands. 

For a little while, Donghyuck searches through the bag of clothes Renjun gave him, and soon he finds something he's satisfied with. “I’m going to change,” Donghyuck announces, and Mark hums in response. 

When he gets to the bathroom, the first thing he does is look in the mirror. It’s still a shock to see his hair the way it is, but it's something that causes a thrum of happiness to shoot through his whole body, warming him from the inside out. 

He turns away from the mirror to change, and his day’s outfit is quickly replaced by a plain black shirt and gray joggers. Renjun has always had a habit of buying clothes that are too big for her, so they fit Donghyuck just fine, and he quickly looks at himself in the mirror again. 

Undoubtedly, there's still things he wants to change. His chest can be partially hidden if he wears a baggy enough hoodie, but the soft lines of his face and the high pitch of his voice won't go away overnight. 

Sighing, he texts Renjun, knowing he has to update her on his current situation. 

me

hey renjunnie

can i come over? i have a lot to update you on

soulmate (ren)

of course, donghyuck 

yangyang just left, so you texted at the right time 

me

okay, thanks

i’ll be over in twenty

soulmate (ren) 

see you then xx

Donghyuck shuts his phone off, shoving it in the pocket of his pants. He looks at the mirror one more time before grabbing his clothes and turning the light off. 

He tosses the clothes into the laundry basket when he enters the bedroom. Once that's taken care of, he sits next to Mark on his bed, watching as the older plays a game on his phone. 

“I’m going to Renjun’s,” Donghyuck says, knowing that Mark won't mind. He never minds, he knows that Donghyuck’s relationship with his best friend is important, and he probably can infer why Donghyuck is going to see her now. “I don't know when I’ll be back, but I should be home for dinner.” 

Mark finishes up his game and then looks to Donghyuck. “Alright, I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Donghyuck says, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Mark’s lips. 

Donghyuck stands up from the bed, but before he can get far, Mark speaks up again. “Wait, Donghyuck.” 

It feels like there's butterflies in his stomach when Mark calls him that, and he looks to Mark again, raising an eyebrow in lieu of speaking. 

“When you get back, I have something for you.” 

Donghyuck cocks his head to the side, curious. “Why not give it now? You know I’m an impatient person, Markie.” 

Mark laughs, shaking his head and leaning further back on his pillows. “We’re gonna talk after, if that's okay. Nothing bad, I promise,” Mark says. 

“If you say so,” Donghyuck sings, turning away from Mark. “Bye, babe.”

“Bye, Hyuck.” 

Donghyuck’s cheeks heat up at the nickname, and he quickly exits the apartment, unable to stop a smile from forming on his face. 

⚣

As soon as Renjun opens the door to her apartment, her eyes go wide, and she tugs Donghyuck through the door before he can even process anything. 

“Your hair, holy shit!” Renjun exclaims, reaching up to run her fingers through it. “It looks so good on you, wow. You're made for this style. The color, too!” 

Donghyuck smiles widely, allowing Renjun to mess around with his hair. “Yuta hyung did it for me. He actually knows about my whole… identity thing.” 

“That's great,” Renjun says, dropping her hand to grab Donghyuck’s wrist and guide him to her room. “What did Mark think of it?” 

Donghyuck’s entire mood brightens at the mention of his boyfriend. “That's actually what I came to talk to you about,” Donghyuck says. 

“Ah, I see. Hey, can you sit next to my vanity? I want to try a makeup look on you.” 

Donghyuck complies, sitting on the stool next to Renjun’s vanity. “What look?” 

Renjun grins, searching through her drawers and taking out various palettes and bottles. “I've been working on a technique to make feminine features look more masculine, and I figured you'd be a willing test subject.” 

“Test subject?” Donghyuck questions. “You sound like a mad scientist.” 

“So what if I was? Support women in STEM, Donghyuck.” 

Donghyuck laughs, playfully shoving Renjun’s side. “You're an art major, Ren.” 

“Whatever,” Renjun says, but she's smiling when she turns back to Donghyuck. “Tell me about Mark.” 

Donghyuck doesn't have to be told twice, easily recounting most of what happened while Renjun does his makeup. He leaves out the last part until she finishes his makeup.

“Okay, my job here is finished,” Renjun says, placing her brushes back in their holder. “Tell me how it looks.” 

Donghyuck turns so he's looking in the mirror, and when he sees himself, he nearly gets whiplash. “Holy fuck, Renjun.” 

Most of his features look sharper, looking nothing like the usual soft curves of his face. His eyebrows look darker and fuller, and the color under his eyes somehow ties everything together. 

“You like it?” Renjun asks, sounding smug. “You better. You should be paying me for this.” 

Donghyuck ignores that last statement in favor of studying himself in the mirror even more, turning his face to look at the different angles. “This is like magic, wow,” Donghyuck says. 

“If you want to look like that every day, maybe you should go on T,” Renjun suggests, but then she pauses and frowns. “Right, I forgot Mark doesn't know.” 

“Well, he kind of does.” 

Renjun stops in her tracks, grabbing Donghyuck’s shoulders and spinning him to face her. “He what?”

Donghyuck blinks, stunned by the sudden action. “Uh, yeah. We were talking, and he said he'd love me no matter what, so I pushed further. Then he randomly said he’d still love me if I were a guy or something.”

“What did you say to that?”

“I asked him what he would think if I was, and he said he would still love me. So I told him to call me Donghyuck, and he did.” 

Renjun lets go of Donghyuck’s shoulders, lips curling up into a satisfied smile. “My god, Donghyuck. That’s seriously so amazing to hear. Did you explain anything else?” 

Donghyuck shakes his head, breaking eye contact to look in the mirror again. “I told him to be patient while I still figure things out,” Donghyuck explains, and then his mind takes him back to earlier. “I think he wants to talk to me about it when I go back home.” 

“Ah, okay,” Renjun says, “that makes sense. When are you planning on leaving, then?” 

“Are you trying to kick me out?” 

“Yes, I actually despise your presence.” 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, turning to glare at Renjun. “I’m flattered, truly. You speak so highly of me.” 

Renjun laughs, pulling Donghyuck to his feet. “Go talk to your Prince Charming, I’m genuinely kicking you out.”

“Do you have any makeup wipes?” 

“Ow, trying to get rid of my hard work again?” 

Donghyuck softly punches Renjun in the shoulder, and she feigns hurt, dramatically crying out. “I can’t believe you just hit a woman,” Renjun exclaims, falling back onto her bed. 

“Oh, please. I’ll throw hands no matter what gender you are,” Donghyuck says.

Renjun snorts, pushing herself onto her elbows. “The wipes are in the third drawer. Why do you want to take it off?” 

“So I don't smudge it later when I’m cuddling with my boyfriend, thank you very much.” 

“I cuddle Yangyang with a full face on,” Renjun says, pushing herself up all the way and adjusting her glasses. “He can deal with it.” 

Donghyuck grabs the pack of makeup wipes, sitting down in front of the mirror again. He takes one out, starting with the eye makeup. “How is it? Dating a cis guy.” 

“You act as if you haven't been dating a cis guy for three years now.” 

“You know what I mean, dumbass.” 

Renjun chuckles, and through the mirror, Donghyuck can see her get up and stand behind him. “It isn't much different than you'd think it is. I wouldn't worry about it,” Renjun says, absentmindedly fixing Donghyuck’s hair. 

Donghyuck wipes off the rest of his makeup, discarding the wipe by throwing it at Renjun. She doesn't even flinch, simply letting the wipe bounce off of her glasses and land on Donghyuck’s head. “Karma.” 

“Fuck off,” Donghyuck grumbles, standing up and tilting his head forward so the wipe falls on the vanity. “I’m leaving.” 

“Tell me how it goes,” Renjun says, pressing an annoyingly loud kiss to Donghyuck’s cheek. 

“Bye, asshole.” 

“Bye!” 

⚣

When Donghyuck returns back to his apartment, Mark is sitting at the kitchen table, typing away at his laptop. His glasses are perched on his nose, and he looks really focused, nose scrunching up as he concentrates. 

Donghyuck doesn't bother trying to sneak up on him, instead just walking over and pressing a kiss to Mark’s head before draping his arms over his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Hey, nerd.” 

Mark leans back into Donghyuck’s stomach, but he doesn't look away from his laptop. “I didn't expect you to come back so soon.”

“Should I leave again?” Donghyuck teases, drumming his fingers on Mark’s chest. 

“No.” Mark doesn't even hesitate, finally tilting his head up to look at Donghyuck. “I missed you.” 

“I was barely gone an hour.” 

“I know,” Mark says. “I missed you anyway.” 

Donghyuck smiles, pressing an upside-down kiss to Mark’s lips. “You're so cute.” 

Mark looks away from Donghyuck and closes his laptop. When he stands up, he grabs a slip of paper from the table and hands it to Donghyuck, who takes it despite his confusion. “What's this?” 

Mark goes to stand behind Donghyuck, back hugging him and hooking his chin over his shoulder. “Open it, dummy,” Mark says. 

Donghyuck unfolds the slip of paper, eyebrows furrowing in confusion when he sees a phone number he doesn't recognize. “Whose number is this?” 

“While you were gone, I got to talking with an old friend of mine,” Mark explains. “They recommended a really good gender specialist and sent me this number.” 

Donghyuck pulls out of Mark’s hold, spinning around to face him in disbelief. He doesn't know what to say. Every time he thinks Mark couldn't get any nicer, he goes and does something like this, and the space for him in Donghyuck’s heart grows even bigger. 

“You seriously did that for me?” Donghyuck whispers, voice thick with emotion. 

Mark nods, lips quirked up in a small smile. “Of course. I want the best for you, and I want to support you however I can.” 

Donghyuck looks back down at the slip, hands trembling. When he looks back up at Mark, there's tears blurring his vision. “You're always making me so emotional.” Donghyuck laughs, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 

Mark wipes the tears from under Donghyuck’s eyes, his touch delicate and careful. “I don't like seeing you cry, but you do it so much,” Mark says, mirroring Donghyuck’s laugh. “You experience emotions so strongly.”

“A blessing and a curse, really.” 

Mark moves his hands to cup Donghyuck’s face, kissing him softly. Donghyuck reciprocates easily, blindly placing the slip on the table so he can hug Mark’s waist. 

When Mark pulls away, he brushes Donghyuck’s hair out of his face, tucking one of the strands behind his ear like he always does. “I love you, and that isn't going to change just because of your gender. I promise.” 

“I love you too, always.” 

Donghyuck seals the promise with another kiss to Mark’s lips, and he thinks he could stay here forever, wrapped up in his and Mark’s little bubble. 

⚣

Donghyuck ends up scheduling an appointment with the specialist Mark suggested, and everything goes much better than he expected it to. 

By the end of it, he has a rough plan and timeline for his transition. He has to go to a few more appointments before he can start HRT, but it's better than nothing, and it still leaves him feeling really excited. 

Mark makes a point of asking questions whenever he can, helping out with everything, and supporting Donghyuck through and through. Eventually, Donghyuck fully comes out to him as transgender, and in return Mark officially comes out as bisexual. 

Right now, Donghyuck’s in his bed, scrolling through clothing catalogs on his laptop. He still has clothes from Renjun, as well as Mark’s entire closet, but their styles are quite different from what Donghyuck wants to wear, and Mark can only lend so many hoodies before he starts to run out. 

“I have a question,” Donghyuck says, looking over his laptop to look at Mark. He’s at his desk, his own computer open for whatever writing project he's working on. “Why did you so easily accept this? I thought you'd be more thrown off by it.” 

“Accept you transitioning?” 

“Yeah.”

Mark takes a sip of his coffee before momentarily looking at Donghyuck, and then his gaze fixes back on his computer screen. “What does it change about our relationship?” 

Donghyuck blinks, sifting through his brain for some sort of answer. He doesn't find one, and he furrows his eyebrows, looking at his keyboard. “It doesn't change anything,” Donghyuck says. 

“Exactly,” Mark says. “I mean, I’m bisexual. For others it might be different, but for me, you're still the person I fell in love with. Would you make fun of me if I quoted Shakespeare?” 

“No promises.” When Donghyuck looks up, he catches a hint of a smile on Mark’s face. 

“To quote Romeo and Juliet,” Mark says. “What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell just as sweet.” 

“Nerd.” 

Mark rolls his eyes, but he continues speaking. “What I’m trying to say is that no matter what name or identity you have, your personality is still the same.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck says, “that's true.” 

“As long as you're happy, I’m happy too.” 

⚣ 

A few months pass, and soon enough, Donghyuck finally gets his first shot. “I don't feel any different.” 

“Of course you don’t,” Renjun says, scrolling on her phone with disinterest as she spins in Mark’s computer chair. “It's only your first T shot.” 

Donghyuck sighs, sprawling out horizontally and face-up on top of Mark’s stomach. Mark doesn't seem to mind, one of his hands moving to play with Donghyuck’s hair while the other one holds his book steady. “I’m so impatient, though,” Donghyuck complains. 

“I have no idea how Mark puts up with you,” Renjun says, stopping her spinning to look at the two of them on Mark’s bed. “Mark, blink twice if you need help.” 

Mark simply turns a page in his book, mostly unfazed by Renjun’s comments. “Donghyuck has a pass to be annoying.” 

“And why is that?” 

“Because I love him.” 

Him. Him. Everything about what Mark just said causes butterflies to flutter in his stomach, and he can feel his face growing warm. “I love you too.” 

“That's cute,” Renjun says, but she sounds uninterested. “I just invited Chenle over, by the way. He's in town for the first time in a while.” 

“You wh—”

“Before you complain,” Renjun interrupts, glaring at Donghyuck, “he's bringing snacks.” 

Donghyuck almost accepts it, but then he remembers something, and anxiety crashes into him at full force. “Renjun, Chenle doesn't know I’m trans,” Donghyuck says. 

“Ah, right…”

“I’ll just tell him when he gets here,” Donghyuck says. “It probably won't be too big of a deal, right?” 

Mark hums, turning another page. “He supports trans people, right?” 

“Seriously, Mark?” Renjun laughs. “He's known me his whole life, of course he does.” 

Donghyuck watches Mark’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, and he looks up from his book, looking at Renjun. “What does that have to do with anything?” 

“Um?” Renjun blinks. “I’m trans?” 

“Oh yeah,” Mark says, looking back down at his book. “I forgot.”

Renjun stares blankly at Mark for a few seconds before bursting into laughter, nearly falling out of the chair. “Wow, Mark, I’m very flattered.” 

“I mean,” Mark speaks up again, “to me it isn't really a big deal? You're a woman, I guess I don't really think about it.”

“Aw,” Renjun smiles, “maybe there is hope for cis people.” 

Donghyuck reaches up and takes Mark’s hand out of his hair, lacing their fingers together and laying them over his stomach. “You've been dating a cis guy for a year and a half, Ren.” 

Renjun snorts, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “And? I lost hope for Yangyang a long time ago.” 

“I’m surprised you had any hope to begin with.” 

“He may be a little dumb,” Renjun says, “but I love him. His cats, too. Those are just an added bonus, though.”

Mark closes his book, setting it aside. “He’s straight, right? I mean, I only ever met him after you two started dating.”

Renjun nods, and Donghyuck can see how excited she is to be talking about her boyfriend, even though she's trying to hide it. “He is, yeah. Always comes with me to pride, though. Even before we got together.” 

“You two are really good together,” Donghyuck says. “I’m very glad you found someone who loves you.” 

“I could say the same about you, Donghyuck. Look at you two, being all cute.” 

Mark lifts their intertwined hands to his lips and presses a soft kiss to the back of Donghyuck's hand, causing Donghyuck to blush but not make any attempt to move away. Mark has always been a romantic, and Donghyuck loves it, even if his gestures are insanely cheesy. 

Donghyuck lifts himself off of Mark’s stomach, shuffling around the bed to curl up next to his boyfriend. He keeps their hands held together, resting them on Mark’s chest directly over his heartbeat. “I love you,” Donghyuck whispers, only for Mark to hear.

Mark smiles, making eye contact with Donghyuck. “I love you too.” 

“Hate to interrupt,” Renjun says, “but Chenle should be here in a couple minutes.” 

“Did you really have to interrupt to say that?” 

“Of course, I assumed you'd want to meet your guest at the door. Specifically you, Donghyuck, since you should probably talk to Chenle.” 

“He isn't our guest, you're the one who inv—”

“Hyuck, come on,” Mark cuts in, laughing. “Renjun’s right, you might want to stop Chenle right at the door. Can’t do that if you're cuddling me, can you?” 

Donghyuck sighs dramatically, pushing himself up. “Betrayal.” 

⚣

As soon as Donghyuck opens the door, Chenle’s eyes widen. “Woah, your hair.” 

Donghyuck laughs, trying to hide his nervousness. “Do you like it?” He asks, subconsciously reaching up and messing with the strands. 

“It suits you really well.” 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck says. “I actually want to talk to you really quick? Renjun and Mark are in my room, we can talk out here.” 

“Oh, sure. Can I sit?” 

“Go ahead.” 

Chenle unceremoniously plops himself onto the couch, and Donghyuck follows, sitting down next to him. He wrings his hands in his lap, looking between Chenle and the wall behind him. 

“You look nervous,” Chenle says. “Are you—”

“I’m a trans man.”

Chenle goes silent, looking at Donghyuck curiously. Donghyuck knows it isn't malicious, Chenle always unashamedly stares at people while he's thinking, but it makes him anxious nonetheless. 

“What should I call you?” He says after a moment, and even though it was an expected response, Donghyuck exhales in relief and smiles. 

“Call me Donghyuck.” 

Chenle grins, leaning forward to pat Donghyuck on the shoulder. “Alright, Donghyuck hyung.”

Something about being called hyung creates a whole new feeling in his stomach. It's almost euphoric, the way most gender-affirming things are these days. 

“You're a really good friend, Chenle-yah. Thank you.” 

“I’ll take the compliment,” Chenle says, “but honestly, I’m just being a decent human being. This reaction should be the norm, not a huge relief.” 

“Key word is should .” 

“I get that. When I came out as queer, a lot of people shit on me for it. Obviously, that was nine years ago, but still.” Chenle chews his lower lip. “Trans people still face a lot of shit, I've seen it firsthand with Renjun. If anyone ever gives you a hard time, let me know, alright?” 

“Aren't I supposed to be the hyung?” Donghyuck teases, and Chenle rolls his eyes, sighing. 

“It doesn't matter. I know you'd do the same for me.” 

⚣

“I thought you were bringing snacks?” 

“Yeah.” Chenle gestures to himself. “I did.”

Renjun groans, spinning the chair to face away from Chenle. “I shouldn't have invited you.” 

“Love you too, noona.” 

Renjun flips him off, and Donghyuck watches in amusement, always entertained by their interactions. They fight all the time, in typical sibling fashion, and Donghyuck has been witness to more than one of their little quarrels. 

Besides, they always end the same way. 

Renjun spins back around in the chair and stands up, glaring at Chenle for a moment before breaking into a wide smile. “Come here,” she says, extending her arms out. 

Chenle smiles back just as wide, meeting her in the middle and tugging her into a bone crushing hug. “It's been so long since I've seen you,” Chenle says. 

“Missed your big sister that much, huh?” Renjun teases, ruffling Chenle’s hair and pressing a kiss to his temple. “Don't you dare make a joke about me being short. It's rude to comment on a woman's height.” 

“Well, I’m rude, and you're short.” 

Renjun lightly smacks Chenle on the side of the head, but from Donghyuck’s point of view, her fond expression isn't going anywhere. It's true that they haven't seen each other for a while, Chenle always travels with his partners and rarely makes it home for anything other than holidays. Their sibling bond is different than most, having both grown up queer in an unsupportive household, so for a while they only had each other. It's still reflected in all of their interactions, and this one is no different. 

“How long are you in town for?” Renjun asks, pulling away and adjusting a few messed up strands of Chenle’s hair. “I haven't seen you for half a year, you better be sticking around for a bit.” 

“Just a few,” Chenle says, looking down at the floor. Then, he looks back up, smiling widely at Renjun. “Years, that is. I’m moving back home.” 

Renjun’s mouth drops open, and she shoves Chenle’s shoulder. “You're kidding.” 

Chenle shakes his head, and Donghyuck doesn't get to see Renjun’s reaction because he's looking at Mark, making eye contact and conveying a silent message. Let’s not interrupt this. 

Soon there's a hand in his, and they're leaving the room, Donghyuck pulling Mark along behind him to the kitchen. Once they reach the room, Donghyuck hoists himself onto the counter, legs dangling off the edge. 

“I’m glad Chenle’s back,” Donghyuck says. “Do you know why he is, though?” 

“I do, actually,” Mark says, stepping between Donghyuck’s legs and peering up at him. “He got accepted into uni here.” 

“Oh, wow. What major?” 

“It's business related, he wants to start something with his partners. Not sure what specifically, he wouldn't tell me.” 

“Always being vague for no reason.” Donghyuck laughs. “That's our Chenle.” 

Mark smiles, gently placing his hands on Donghyuck’s thighs. “You know, your birthday is next month. Do you want anything specific?” 

Donghyuck hums, mirroring Mark’s action but on his shoulders. “A day off with you. You're always at your desk writing.” Donghyuck sighs, squeezing Mark’s shoulders. 

“I thought you said I’m hot when I’m concentrating.” 

Donghyuck shrugs, his lips curling up despite his feigned nonchalance. “I mean, it's true. But I’d rather be talking to my hot boyfriend rather than just staring at him, you know?” 

Mark rolls his eyes, moving his hands so they’re on Donghyuck’s waist. It's a normal gesture, something Mark does all the time, but something about it feels wrong. His waist is too thin, hips too curvy, he doesn't want Mark to feel those features. 

He grabs Mark’s wrists, carefully moving his hands so they settle back on Donghyuck’s thighs. Mark doesn't protest, but he raises an eyebrow in silent question. 

“Dysphoria,” Donghyuck explains quietly. 

“Ah, alright,” Mark says, moving his hands further so they rest on Donghyuck’s knees. “Make sure you tell me if you ever feel uncomfortable with something I do, okay? I don't want to touch you anywhere you don't want me to.” 

Donghyuck nods, choosing not to speak in favor of leaning down and capturing Mark’s lips with his own. It’s nice, even though Mark tastes like coffee and toothpaste, because everything is nice when it comes to Mark. Mark himself is the embodiment of generosity, love, comfort, all of those things. 

“Donghyuck,” Mark says softly, pulling away. One of his hands moves to cup Donghyuck’s face, the pad of his thumb gently running over Donghyuck’s cheekbone. “I’m so proud of you, always. You're a very strong person.” 

“I love you.” Donghyuck punctuates the sentence with a kiss to Mark’s nose, then one to his lips. 

Mark doesn't say it back, but he doesn't need to. The way he looks into Donghyuck’s eyes is enough. 

⚣

When Donghyuck wakes up on the morning of his birthday, he feels like absolute shit. 

“Babe? I made breakfast.” Mark’s voice is soft, sleepy.

Donghyuck buries his face in his blanket, refusing to move. “I feel awful,” Donghyuck says, his voice scratchy. His voice has been feeling weird for the past couple weeks, everything has been feeling weird for the past couple weeks, and he really doesn't want to get out of bed. 

The bed dips next to him, and soon there's a hand in his hair, combing through it slowly. “I think the hormones are kicking in.” 

“No shit,” Donghyuck grumbles, but then it hits him how rude that must have sounded, and he quickly backtracks. “I mean, yeah, it is. I’m sorry, Mark.” 

Mark laughs softly, scratching Donghyuck’s scalp. “So moody, now. It's okay, Hyuck. I can bring you breakfast.”

“‘M not hungry.”

“I’ll bring you tea, then. Anything else, your royal highness?”

Donghyuck wants to act offended by the nickname, but he really can't, his emotions betraying him as he buries his face further in the blankets and laughs. Warmth spreads from Mark’s touch and seeps through his whole body, bringing an intense amount of comfort and safety. “Nothing else.” 

Mark ruffles his hair before his hand moves away, but the warmth of his touch still lingers. “I’ll be back, birthday boy.” 

Boy. Donghyuck has to stop himself from screaming into the blankets. 

When Mark leaves, Donghyuck reaches over to his phone, opening the front camera and studying himself. His appearance reflects exactly how he feels—scattered acne breakouts, bags under his eyes, chapped lips. And yet, he doesn't focus on those. 

Maybe it's just placebo, but he swears his brows are a bit fuller, his jaw is a little sharper, and his cheeks are a little less round. All of it wouldn't be noticeable to everyone else, but Donghyuck is really paying attention. 

“Okay.” Mark’s voice comes from the doorway. Donghyuck sets his phone down and sits up to look at Mark, escaping the confines of his blankets. “We don't have tea, apparently, so I put it on the list. I got you the next best thing, though?”

Mark holds out a mug of what Donghyuck presumes is coffee, but when he smells it, he recognizes the familiar scent of hot chocolate. When he takes a sip, his taste buds confirm it, and he happily sips on the warm drink. 

“You know, I was gonna give you coffee, but I don't really think that would help, if you're planning on sleeping more,” Mark rambles. “I know it's also kind of weird to give you a warm drink in June, but honestly I didn't think about that until I was halfway through making it. We also didn't have any marshmallows, but I figured—”

“Mark.” Donghyuck giggles, interrupting his rant. “It's fine. I love you.” 

Mark exhales and gives Donghyuck a small smile, sitting down next to him again. His fingers naturally find themselves in Donghyuck’s hair, and Donghyuck lets his eyes slip shut as he slowly nurses his hot chocolate, occasionally letting out hums when Mark scratches at his scalp. 

“How do you feel?” Mark asks quietly, slipping his other arm around Donghyuck's waist. “Feeling up for anything today?” 

Donghyuck opens his eyes and reaches over to set his mug down on the nightstand, then turns and cuddles into Mark’s warmth. Mark isn't much taller than Donghyuck, but he's so much wider, easily engulfing Donghyuck's frame. Maybe on another occasion his smallness would make him feel dysphoric, but right now, it makes him feel safe. 

“Maybe later,” Donghyuck whispers. “What time is it?” 

“Around ten, last I checked.” 

“I need to shower,” Donghyuck says. “Shower with me?” 

Mark is silent for a moment, and Donghyuck looks up to meet his eyes. “You’re okay with me seeing you? It won't make you feel dysphoric?”

“You've seen my body before, and it is what it is. I’ll be okay, Mark.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“Positive.” 

There's a kiss pressed to the crown of Donghyuck’s head, and a hand gently squeezes his waist. “I’ll get in first, then. Take your time.”

⚣

Mark is already in the shower by the time Donghyuck enters the bathroom. There's two sets of clothes ready on the sink counter, and Donghyuck knows which is his, if the oversized shirt is anything to go by. 

He undresses slowly, facing away from the mirror. Mark is patient, not saying anything, occasionally humming a song under his breath. It takes Donghyuck another minute to find the courage to enter the shower, but when he does, his nervousness fades away. 

“You can look, you know,” Donghyuck says, watching Mark’s eyes fix onto his face. “I don't mind.” 

“Okay,” Mark says, relaxing slightly. “Can I wash your hair?” 

“Mhm.” 

Mark carefully puts his hands on Donghyuck’s shoulders and turns him around so they aren't facing each other. There's the sound of a plastic bottle opening, and then there's hands in his hair and he's surrounded by the scent of Mark’s peppermint and eucalyptus shampoo.

“Do you want me to wash yours too?” Donghyuck asks, his eyelids growing heavy from Mark’s ministrations. 

“It's fine,” Mark says, his fingers gentle behind Donghyuck’s ears. “I washed it last night, I also did my body wash while I was waiting for you. Today’s about you, Hyuck.” 

Donghyuck smiles, letting his eyes close. “Thank you.” 

It feels like time is slowed down when Mark unhooks the shower head to gently wash the suds out of his hair. The water is hot, just how Donghyuck likes it, even though Mark prefers colder showers. Everything is quiet other than the sound of the spray, but they don't have to say anything, their actions convey enough. 

Mark repeats the process with Donghyuck's conditioner, but he doesn't wash it out right away, instead turning Donghyuck to face him again. “Do you want me to wash your body, or do you want to do it yourself?”

“I want you to,” Donghyuck says, eyes opening momentarily, “if that's okay.” 

“My soap?” 

“Yeah.” 

Donghyuck closes his eyes again, zoning out from the comforting tiredness that blankets him. He comes back to his senses when he feels a washcloth on his neck, and everything suddenly smells like rosewood. 

“If there's any place you want me to avoid, let me know,” Mark says, the washcloth moving over Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Donghyuck breathes out. When the washcloth meets his chest, he can't even find it in himself to care, because his thoughts are all Mark, Mark, Mark, and his dysphoria is nothing compared to how safe and loved he feels. 

Donghyuck is half asleep as Mark washes the rest of his body, and he doesn't even register when Mark washes the conditioner out of his hair. His brain feels like a puddle, and it's so nice, so nice to be able to lose himself for a while. 

“You still on Earth, babe?” 

Donghyuck opens his eyes and meets Mark’s amused expression. “Barely.” Donghyuck laughs quietly. “I don't think I’ve ever been this relaxed in my life.” 

“You fell asleep while I was washing out your conditioner,” Mark says. “Wanna take a nap when we're out?”

“Will you nap with me?”

“Yeah, of course,” Mark says, shutting the water off and reaching for Donghyuck’s arm. They go through the motions easily enough, and before he knows it, he's bundled up in Mark’s clothes. 

“Carry me to bed?” 

“C’mere,” Mark says, reaching his arms out to Donghyuck. He complies, and when Mark scoops him up bridal style, a laugh bubbles out of him. 

“Was this necessary?” Donghyuck asks, looping his arms around Mark’s neck for extra support. “I would've been satisfied with a piggyback ride, you know.”

Mark adjusts his grip on Donghyuck, spinning him once before making his way out of the bathroom. “It's more fun this way, isn't it?” 

Donghyuck just smiles, his tiredness fading by the second as Mark spins him around again. It's times like these when Donghyuck realizes that nothing between  him and Mark has changed since he came out—if anything, things are better. 

They still play together, laugh together, cry together, and do everything else they did before. When Mark sets Donghyuck down on the bed, he doesn't let go, instead pulling Mark down with him and meeting their lips in a kiss. Their teeth clack together, and neither of them can stop giggling, but the love Donghyuck feels is so immense and he's bathing in it. 

Eventually, they calm down, and Mark settles beside Donghyuck. His head is propped up on one hand, the other tracing hearts onto the skin of Donghyuck’s waist, and everything is calm. 

“Happy twenty-second birthday, sunflower.” 

Mark’s hand moves to Donghyuck's cheek, cupping it softly. His thumb traces over the constellation of moles on Donghyuck’s skin, and it’s crazy how Donghyuck can love someone as much as he does. 

“I’m so fucking in love with you,” Donghyuck blurts out. Mark’s eyes widen momentarily before his face breaks into a warm smile, and he leans forward to press a kiss to Donghyuck’s forehead. 

“I’m so fucking in love with you too, Donghyuck.”

⚣

“My voice sounds so different.” 

Renjun hums in acknowledgement, leaning closer to her vanity as she carefully glues on her lashes. “You're only noticing after three months?” 

“No,” Donghyuck says, running his fingers through his hair. What was once completely blonde now has deep purple tips, courtesy of Renjun. “It's just surprising.” 

“Estrogen never changes anyone's voice,” Renjun says, popping open a brand new tube of rosy pink lip gloss. “It's naturally high anyway, so I don't mind. You sound really good, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Donghyuck says, looking in the mirror to check his outfit. It's a cream colored button-down with the first three buttons open, carefully tucked into his black jeans. There's nothing wrong with the outfit, but the way it shows his chest is annoying him. 

“I forgot my tape at my apartment,” Donghyuck voices, turning to watch his best friend. She’s moved on to curling her hair, the brown and blonde blending together nicely. “Do you have any?” 

Renjun smiles, cocking her head towards her dresser. “Should be some on top. Bought some yesterday, figured this would happen.” 

“Truly proving yourself to be my guardian angel,” Donghyuck says, grabbing the roll and some pasties from Renjun’s dresser. He unbuttons the rest of his shirt and puts the pasties on before ripping off a piece of the tape. 

“Do you ever plan on getting surgery?” Renjun questions. “It's probably a pain in the ass to keep taping.” 

Donghyuck shrugs, ripping off another strip to apply to the other side of his chest. “Maybe I will, I don't know. Probably gonna wait until after college.” 

“Ah, that's smart,” Renjun says. “Almost ready? Yangyang’s gonna be here in fifteen.” 

“Yeah, let me just text Mark,” Donghyuck says, buttoning his shirt up the way it was before. When he grabs his phone, there's already texts from Mark waiting for him. 

aeongi 

i might be a little late, babe

gotta stop by ten’s, she needs her headphones back 

sunflower 

leave it to you to be late to your own birthday

if kun is home tell her i said hi 

aeongi

will do 

“Mark’s gonna be late,” Donghyuck says, checking himself in the mirror again. “He has to drop something off at Ten jie’s. Can I borrow some lip gloss?” 

“Take your pick,” Renjun says, blindly gesturing towards her lip gloss stand as she adjusts the key necklace around her neck. 

Donghyuck selects one of the clear ones and runs it over his lips, noting a faint cherry taste. He looks at himself in the mirror one more time, and when he's satisfied, he turns to Renjun. 

“Do I look okay?” Renjun asks, adjusting her halter top. “I haven't worn this in ages, does the fit look fine? Too tight?” 

“You look fine, Ren. Who are you even trying to impress?” 

“Yangyang, obviously,” Renjun says, laughing as she fumbles with her skirt. “It's our two year anniversary, so we're going on a date after this.” 

“Damn, two years already?” Donghyuck muses. “Seems like just yesterday when you were spam texting me about your crush on him.”

“I could say the same about you and Mark,” Renjun glances at the mirror, running her fingers through her bangs. “And don't act like you didn't spam me about him either. I put up with your pining rants for five years, I deserve some credit.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

⚣

When Donghyuck arrives at Mark’s parents’ house, he doesn't expect to be immediately greeted by Mark’s mother placing a small envelope in his hands. 

“It's for you,” she says, opening the door wider so Renjun and Yangyang can slip past. “Mark told me about everything, so don't worry, alright? We’re your family too.” 

Donghyuck smiles, stepping through the doorway. “Should I open it now?” 

“I’d suggest waiting for Mark,” she says, shutting the door behind him. “He wanted to see your reaction.” 

Donghyuck studies the envelope for a moment before slipping it into his pocket. When he looks back at Mark’s mother, he extends his arms toward her as an invitation for a hug. She smiles, accepting the hug and squeezing him tightly. 

When Donghyuck pulls back, Mark’s mother has a fond look on her face. “You look and sound so different,” she comments. “Your hair suits you. Now go, the others are probably waiting.” 

She ruffles his hair before he leaves. When he enters the kitchen, there's a few faces he hasn't seen in a while. Faces he hasn't seen since before he started transitioning. 

A manicured hand settles on his arm, squeezing it gently. “You good?” Renjun asks. 

“I don't know how to tell everyone,” Donghyuck says. “I mean, it's obvious based on my appearance now, but still.” 

“I got this,” Renjun says, letting go of Donghyuck and clapping her hands together loudly. The room goes quiet, everyone turning to Renjun to see what the commotion is about. 

“Everyone,” Renjun says loudly, “this is Donghyuck.” Renjun gestures to where Donghyuck is next to her. “If you have something to say about him, it better be nice. I took taekwondo for six years.” 

Donghyuck nudges Renjun in the shoulder, ignoring the scattered laughter in the room. “You could've been more lowkey about it,” Donghyuck complains. 

Renjun shrugs. “Too late now,” she says, patting Donghyuck on the shoulder. “Go socialize.” 

She leaves before Donghyuck can get another word out. He sighs, secretly happy that Renjun did what she did. 

“Hey?” 

Donghyuck swivels around to face the source of the voice, his eyes lighting up when he sees who it is. “ Jisung! ” Donghyuck exclaims, pulling the younger into a hug. “Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you in so long.” 

Jisung laughs, returning the hug happily. “You're certainly different than you were when I saw you last.” 

Donghyuck pulls away, a smile overtaking his face. “Oh really?” Donghyuck teases, smile growing when Jisung rolls his eyes. 

“You're my hyung now, right?”

“Of course,” Donghyuck confirms. “Where's Jeno?” 

“Outfit malfunction,” Jisung says. “They’re in the bathroom with Jaemin. It's been like ten minutes though, so I don't suggest looking for them.” 

Donghyuck scrunches his nose in distaste. “How do you deal with those two?” 

“Same way I deal with Chenle,” Jisung says. “As in, I don't.” Jisung starts to say something else, but he stops himself, instead shifting his gaze behind Donghyuck. 

Suddenly, arms wrap around his waist from behind, and Donghyuck’s senses are clouded by the scent of peppermint. “Hey, Hyuck.” A kiss is pressed to his temple, and he spins around, facing Mark. 

“Hey,” Donghyuck says. He presses a kiss to Mark’s lips as a greeting, and Mark smiles. 

“You dressed up nice,” Mark says. “Did my mom give you something?” 

“Yeah, I haven't opened it yet.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Donghyuck sees Jisung slip away from them. Mark notices too, but he says nothing about it. “Do you want to open it?” Mark asks, cocking his head in the direction of his old bedroom.

“Sure.”

⚣

“I can’t believe you got me something on your birthday.”

“Just open it, babe.”

Donghyuck sighs, looking down at the item in his hands. The envelope isn't anything special, just a typical white one with his name written on it in English. It isn't heavy, he can't tell what's inside at all. 

“Are you trying to burn a hole in it with your eyes?” Mark jokes. “The contents of it aren't going to bite you, Donghyuck.” 

Donghyuck stares at it for another few seconds before tearing it open, a folded slip of paper falling into his lap. Mark stands up from his spot next to Donghyuck, but he ignores it, looking at the paper. He unfolds it, and when he reads it, his eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. 

‘Look at me.’

Donghyuck opens his mouth to speak, but the words die in his throat when he looks towards Mark. 

“Donghyuck,” Mark says. 

Donghyuck stays frozen in his place, mouth opening and closing as he tries to formulate any sort of response. “I’m—I’m not dreaming, right?” 

Mark laughs, shaking his head. Donghyuck blinks once, twice, three times. Mark is still there, one knee on the ground, a small velvet box in his hands. Holy shit, holy shit, holy—

“Will you marry me?” 

Holy shit. 

Donghyuck’s vision blurs with tears, the paper falling from his lap and onto the floor. He doesn't care, because in the span of two seconds he's standing up and pulling Mark into his arms, burying his face into his neck and choking back sobs. 

“Is that a yes?” Mark asks quietly, and Donghyuck can’t help but laugh, squeezing Mark even tighter. 

“Yes,” Donghyuck says through tears. “Yes, Mark, of fucking course I’ll marry you.” 

Donghyuck pulls away, watching with blurred vision as Mark takes his left hand and carefully slips the ring on his finger. He’s surprised he could, seeing as his hand is shaking so much. 

The ring is pretty, a silver band with a small sunflower-shaped gem in the center. He wants to take a closer look, but every two seconds he has to blink back more tears and eventually he gives up, tugging Mark towards him and hugging him with all the strength he can muster. 

Donghyuck holds him until his tears are dry, and then some. Eventually, they pull back, knowing that everyone is waiting for Mark to return to his party. 

When they head back into the main room, Renjun is immediately at Donghyuck’s side. “Dude, you were gone for like, fifteen minutes. Our friend group is fun, but I can only deal with them for so long before—”

“Mark just proposed.” 

Renjun stops in her tracks, disbelief written all over her face. “What?” 

Donghyuck holds his hand up, showing off the ring on his finger. “Holy shit,” Renjun says, her eyes wide. “I did not see that coming.” 

“Me neither,” Donghyuck says. “Ren, Mark just asked me to fucking marry him, I may look composed but I’m three seconds away from screaming.”

Renjun laughs, throwing an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders and steering him towards the rest of the guests, including Mark’s parents. Mark is already chatting with Jisung and Jeno, most likely catching up since he hasn't seen the two in a while. 

Mark quickly notices Donghyuck's presence, though, and he smiles and gets up, standing by Donghyuck’s side. “Can I tell them?” Mark asks quietly, slipping an arm around Donghyuck’s waist. “About our engagement, I mean,” he clarifies, his voice hushed. 

“Of course,” Donghyuck says. 

“Okay,” Mark says, and then he turns to all of the guests. “Listen up, we have an announcement to make,” Mark says loudly, and everyone quiets down, turning their attention to the pair. 

Mark intertwines his fingers with Donghyuck’s, bringing his hand up to show everyone the ring. 

“He said yes.” 

Donghyuck can barely hear the sound of everyone cheering, the sound drowned out by his heartbeat in his ears and the feeling of Mark’s hand in his. 

⚣

When Mark publishes his first book, Donghyuck is the first to read it. 

Donghyuck already knows the premise before he reads it, since the summary is on the back and Mark wouldn't shut up about it while writing it. It’s fictional story titled Sunflower, and the main reason Mark wrote it was because he got sick of the lack of queer characters in literature. Donghyuck can’t blame him. 

When he opens up to the first page, his breath hitches. 

‘Dedicated to my own sunflower, LDH. 

Every flower starts small, but in the right conditions, they flourish. I’m so glad I got to watch your petals unfurl and reveal their bright colors to the world. To have a sunflower look at you is a special kind of feeling. Thank you for letting me be your sun. I love you, always.’

Donghyuck doesn't bother reading past there, his vision too blurry and his heart too tight. Instead, he sets the book down, quietly slipping out of bed and heading to the bathroom. 

When he looks in the mirror, he sees himself. His real, true self. Lee Donghyuck. 

A man.