Archive of Our Own ^beta

“It’s just three words, Reiner. You can say them. It’s easy.”

He turned to look into the mirror again, eyes trained on his lips. He pursed them, pulled them taut, opened them wide, but he couldn’t seem to make any sound.

It was just three words: I love you. So, why was he having so much trouble saying it?

Maybe because he didn’t know what love felt like. The “love” he’d grown up around was strange. His family loved him, right? Surely they did. They had to. They were his parents, they had to love him.

But was that love? Was that obligated love the real kind of love he was searching for?

Marley loved him. They loved that he fought their battles for them. They loved his strength as the Armored Titan. They loved that he was expendable, an Eldian that didn’t matter in the long run.

His friends loved him. Annie and Bertholdt loved him. They grew up together, they inherited Titans together, they went to Paradis together. They had done so much together that they had to love each other. When you’re three friends in a foreign land, you have to love each other to get by.

The Scouts loved him. They loved his ferocity, they loved his ambition. They loved how determined he seemed to become a soldier. They loved how strong he was. They knew he’d be good in battle, they loved that he would be good in battle.

But somebody else loved him. You loved him. And it shocked Reiner, because you had no ulterior motive. There was no clear reason for you to love him. He wasn’t family, he wasn’t a childhood friend, he wasn’t someone you had anything to gain from… but you loved him just the same.

It was strange, how quickly the two of you had fallen for each other. Reiner, idiot that he was, took interest in you for your looks. And you, idiot that you were, admittedly did the same.

It began with longing glances shared during practice. Then it was lingering touches during sparring matches. It took several months of secret pining before you worked up the courage to tell him how you feel.

Reiner can recall that night in great detail. It’s one of his most important memories, one of the things he holds nearest and dearest to his heart. He remembers it often when he feels sad as a way to cheer himself up.

You seem to have that effect on him.

You had written him a letter. He’d found it on his bed back in the barracks. It was folded neatly and placed in the center of his pillow, he remembers. And even now, he can recall how beautifully it had been written. Each word is engrained in his memory, like a song you never forget the words to.

“Reiner. I’ve been trying to find the proper words to say to you for a very long time. It’s difficult to say all the things that I want to, so I wrote them down instead. I like you… more than just as a friend. I think you’re amazing! And as much as I tried to fight it, I ended up falling for you in the end. I know the world we live in is messed up, but aren’t we entitled to some sort of happiness for ourselves? If we are, I want that happiness to be you, Reiner. Do you think that maybe I could be your happiness, too? I’ll be waiting behind the stables tonight for your answer. Even if it’s a no, even if it’ll break my heart, please come meet me there and tell me yourself. I’ll wait all night if I have to. So, please, meet me. I want to see you.”

You’d signed your name at the bottom in the prettiest font you could manage. Reiner flushed red from head to toe as he read over your letter again and again. You liked him? You liked him ? He was surprised beyond belief. He was almost too surprised to form a coherent thought. But he did, and that thought was of you waiting for him behind the stables.

He rushed out of the barracks at an incredible speed, not caring if he disturbed anyone else trying to fall asleep. He sprinted towards the stables, rounding the building in no time. And then, he stopped short on the other side, ten feet away from where you stood in the grass.

Reiner can still recall how pretty you looked in the moonlight. You hadn’t been facing him when he arrived, but you turned around when you heard his footsteps. The look of surprise on your face was adorable, and the way you nervously fidgeted with your shirt as he got closer was even cuter.

“I… I’m so glad you came,” you managed to say.

He smiled. “Me, too.”

He stopped in front of you, staring you down from his advantageous height. You felt flustered and nervous, so you did your best to avoid his gaze. Your eyes landed on a flower that had bloomed just a few feet away and you watched as it swayed in the breeze. It calmed your nerves some, so you watched it until Reiner spoke up again.

“Uh, I- I got your letter,” he said, equally nervous and unsure about the encounter.

You giggled. “I figured.”

He turned red and looked away just as you looked back at him. It was his turn to look for something to focus on, but there weren’t any flowers behind you. Instead, he resigned himself to focusing on a patch of grass. It wasn’t nearly as calming as the flower.

“So, uh, did you… I mean, do you have an answer?” You asked.

“Oh!” He answered, snapping back to the conversation. “Yeah! Uh, yeah. I do.”

Silence fell again and now you both looked into each other’s eyes. Thanks to the darkness of the night, it was impossible to see just how red both of your faces were. Rest assured, though, you were both the color of tomatoes.

“So, what is it?’ You asked.

“What is what?”

You blinked. “Your answer. What’s your answer?”

“Oh!” And then he was back to stuttering. “Y-yeah! Of course, you want an answer. S-sure, yeah, sorry, I was just- shoot, I was just spacing out and I-”

You cut him off by grabbing his face in your hands. He stopped talking and his breath hitched in his throat at the unexpected contact.

“C-can you just… tell me, please?”

He swallowed. “Yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.”

You lowered your hands away from his face and dropped them back by your sides. You watched him take a deep breath to compose himself, which only added to your anxiety. Fear threatened to creep in with the nerves, but Reiner answered before it had the chance.

“Yeah, I like you, too,” he admitted. “I wanna… be your happiness, too.”

You let out the giddiest, silliest noise Reiner had ever heard after he’d finished speaking. But he couldn’t laugh, nor could he blame you because, had his lips not been pressed into a smile, he might have made a similarly ridiculous sound. You lunged forward and wrapped your arms around him in a hug. You felt him tense under your touch, but soon felt him relax and slowly wrap his arms around you in return. 

And from that day on, you were thick as thieves. Rumors spread like wildfire after the other scouts had seen you getting cozy with one another in the canteen. Neither of you had put a label on your relationship yet, still testing the waters, but after the rumors started getting uncomfortable for you to deal with, Reiner stood up.

“Yeah, the rumors are true. We’re dating!” Reiner declared one day in the mess hall. “Anyone that has a problem with that can complain to me !”

That shut people up real quick. Not because everyone was afraid of Reiner (even though they were), but because the mystery and the intrigue flew out the window when Reiner declared it as official. While others were disappointed by the news, you were ecstatic.

“You mean it? We’re… official?” You asked him in a hushed whisper after he sat back down next to you.

“Yeah. I mean, if you wanna be.” He seemed so unsure as he answered, almost embarrassed.

“Yeah, I wanna be,” you answered. “So, I can call you my… boyfriend?”

The title came off of your tongue like a foreign language. Still, it made Reiner red in the face.

“Y-yeah. B-boyfriend is… nice.”

The smile on his face was adorable and dopey. It made you grab hold of his hand and squeeze it tight. By the time the meal was over, his cheeks burned from how hard he was smiling. Still, he couldn’t find it in him to stop.

Your first kiss was as comical and clumsy as all parts of your relationship had been. It came one day when the two of you went for a walk in an open field. You were on a rare break from training and, of course, the two of you opted to spend it together. Your options for activities were limited, though, so Reiner offered up a walk and you happily agreed.

The field was beautiful. It had been left to nature and the grass grew up to your shins. There were a few flowers making their colorful petals known between the weeds. It looked like a painting. Reiner said that the field looked even more beautiful with you in it. The comment made you blush and turn away, but it also made you realize you wanted to do something else.

“Can I… kiss you?” You asked. When you asked him, you couldn’t find the strength to look him in the eyes. Even while looking away, you were embarrassed to speak those words, so they came out mumbled and messy.

“What was that?” He asked, genuinely confused.

“D-don’t tease me, Reiner,” you insisted.

“No, seriously, what are you saying?”

“Dammit, Reiner! Can I kiss you or not?!”

Your outburst surprised both of you. You clamped your hands over your mouth in shock, silently begging that, by doing so, no more words would escape. Reiner’s eyes widened and he turned red again - that always seemed to happen when he was with you.

“You… you wanna… I mean- I mean, yeah! Of course!”

Though you now had the permission, you were unsure of how to really go about it. He was taller than you, much taller than you. You couldn’t reach him easily, so you stood on your tiptoes.

“Can you… b-bend down a little?” You asked, putting your hands on his shoulders.

He nodded. “Y-yeah.”

Reiner lowered himself just a bit to reach your height. You used your hands, still on his shoulders, to steady yourself and lean in. You closed your eyes and pursed your lips, closing in closer to his face. He mimicked your actions, closing his eyes and pursing his lips like yours. There was tense anticipation hanging in the air as you both silently got closer and closer.

And then, you missed.

Your lips landed right next to his mouth. It was embarrassing and made you pull away quickly, burying your face in your hands in shame.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, that was terrible,” you apologized.

“No no, don’t be!” Reiner reassured. “We can… can try again, if you want.”

You peeked out at him from between your fingers. “Can you… take the lead?”

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll lead.”

So, hesitantly, you removed your hands from your face and let them hang by your sides. Reiner inched closer slowly, placing one hand on your cheek to keep you in place. He pursed his lips again and you did the same. While you closed your eyes, however, Reiner kept them open until he was sure he wouldn’t miss.

And then, your lips touched.

It was soft, hesitant, and careful. You could feel the cautiousness behind the kiss; the gentle tremble of his hand on your cheek told you he was nervous. As encouragement, you brought your own hand up to your cheek and placed it over his. He seemed to relax a bit with your touch, easing into the kiss in a more comfortable and natural manner.

It was nothing more than a quick press of lips to lips. No tongues attempting to touch, no desperate groping of frantic hands. It was just a kiss. Just a sweet, tender, loving kiss that you would remember for the rest of your life.

When you both pulled apart, there was hesitancy - hesitancy because neither one of you truly wanted to separate at all. Still, you didn’t want it to be too much too soon, so you both pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes.

“Was that…” he swallowed, “was that okay?”

You nodded. “More than okay, Reiner. It was perfect.”

A bit overwhelmed with excitement, he kissed you again. And, needless to say, after many more eager tries, you both got the hang of it.

What troubled Reiner now was what had happened just a few nights ago. You’ve been together for nearly a year now. He shouldn’t have been surprised when you said those words to him, those words you’re meant to save for special people, but they still caught him off guard.

“Reiner,” you whispered, snuggled up against his side.

The two of you had ditched practice for a while, sneaking off to the stables and hiding in an open stall. You’d already been there for twenty minutes, but it only felt like five. Time always seemed to fly when he was with you. It made Reiner sad; he wished time would move slower when he was with you so he could savor every moment you were by his side.

“Yeah, baby?” He responded.

You gave his hand a slight squeeze. “I love you.”

You could hear his breath catch in his throat as his chest froze beneath you. He blinked a few times, almost as if he was verifying that this was reality, before he spoke again.

“You… do?”

You nodded. “Mhmm. Have for a while, actually.”

And Reiner immediately felt bad, because he wasn’t sure he felt the same. Sure, he felt things for you that he’d never felt for anyone else, but were those feelings love? How should he know?

“You don’t have to say it back,” you told him after he stayed silent for several minutes.

When he breathed out a heavy sigh of relief, you felt your heart hurt. You told yourself over and over that it was okay if he wasn’t on the same page, that it was fine if he didn’t want to say it back. But those reassurances were nothing but lies because, more than anything, you wanted to hear him say it, too.

“I’m sorry,” he told you, not sure why he was apologizing, but feeling it was the right thing to do.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Then, you stood up and dusted yourself off, walking towards the open stall door. “We should be getting back. Hopefully, Levi won’t punish us too badly.”

Without waiting for Reiner to get up as well, you left. And Reiner was grateful, because he felt he needed a moment alone. He attempted to compose his thoughts, but his brain was running a mile a minute and his heart was pumping impossibly hard. 

In truth, he had been so incredibly happy when you said that you loved him! It felt like he had been waiting to hear those words all his life. And to hear them from you was the icing on the cake. It made him feel like he was born for a reason, born with a purpose. Even if that purpose was just to meet you, he felt that was the most important job on Earth. When he was with you, he didn’t doubt himself. He didn’t question if he was good or bad, because when he was with you, he just was . There was no good, no bad, just being. And he liked that - he liked that, with you, he could just be.

Maybe that’s what love was, he thought. Maybe love was being accepted, being chosen . After all, of all of the scouts in the regiment, you had picked Reiner above the rest. He wasn’t sure why, he wasn’t sure how, but he also didn’t care. Because it didn’t matter how or why, it only mattered that it had happened, and it had led him to you. 

And with you, he was happy. Always always always happy. You’d argue sometimes, sure. Everyone did. But even during the arguments, even during the fights, he still felt… happy. Because it was you.

Surely, he felt, that must be love.

Which is why he was practicing now, in front of the mirror. He practiced the words over and over until they didn’t sound forced, they didn’t sound fake, they sounded natural and (he hoped) real. And when he was finished practicing, when he felt he was ready, he wrote you a note and left it on your pillow, just like you had done for him all those months ago. It told you to meet him behind the stables because he had something to say.

In hindsight, Reiner wished it hadn’t read so ominously.

He wished this because you showed up with tears in your eyes, fearful that he was dumping you. He ran to you quickly and pulled you into a hug, promising that wasn’t what he wanted to say at all.

“Really?” You asked between sobs. “It’s not?”

He shook his head. “No! I promise! I would never break up with you!”

You relaxed in his arms and nuzzled your head into his chest. “You scared me so badly.”

“I’m sorry.”

He hugged you tight for a minute longer, rubbing his hand up and down your back. When the last of your sniffles subsided, he chose to speak up again.

“I wanted to say that I…”

You looked up at him with curious eyes. They were glossy and twinkling in the moonlight. He remembered they looked like that the night you’d confessed your feelings, too.

“I love you,” he whispered.

You released a quiet gasp, surprised to hear the words come from his mouth. Your hands grabbed onto his shirt, fisting the cotton tight in your palms.

“You mean it? You know you don’t have to say it just because I-”

He cut you off, “I mean it. I love you. And I have for a while. I just didn’t know… I didn’t know what love felt like until I met you.”

Those words made you tear up again, but this time the tears were laced with joy. You buried your face into his chest, crying into his shirt as concern spread across his face.

“What is it? Did I say something wrong?”

“No, you big idiot,” you mumbled against his chest. “You said everything right.”

You pulled your head away from his body and released his shirt so you could reach up and grab hold of his face. You brought it down to yours and kissed him eagerly, passionately. And he kissed you back, because he would have been a fool not to.

“I love you,” you mumbled against his lips.

“I love you, too,” he echoed right back.

The rest of the night was spent repeating the same phrase over and over like they were the only words you knew. And Reiner was overjoyed to finally know what love felt like, and to know what it felt like with you .