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To have a successful business, there was one thing you needed to know how to sell, first of all: yourself.
This was an advice given to Tony by a prostitute, an advice that he had held on for a very long time, even after his mother had called the cops on Miss Carriage for stealing her jewellery and for being in the house alone with her twelve years old son. Tony had actually hired her to watch a scary movie with him since he was home alone, but that was a story for another time.
But still, Miss Carriage’s advice had been sound, and Tony had continued following it for years to come.
It was why, after becoming SI CEO and before he got that reactor shoved in his chest, every year Tony would throw a charity gala with two objectives: raise as much money for the coolest charities all over the world, and score himself the hottest date ever.
It was a very simple event, really. There was a set number of general tickets that got sold for a starting price of a reasonable $20k each for the cheapest ones. Those were for the guests who would be giving away money for the charity and who would try - and fail - to charm him without presents.
Then there were some much more expensive and rare tickets, and those were bought by people who would be spending the evening trying to convince Tony that he should choose them to be his Valentine. They were allowed - strongly encouraged - to bring presents to sweeten the deal.
See? They were selling themselves so that he would sell himself.
If there was an afterlife, Tony sure hoped his mamma would be proud of his top-notch philanthropy; he knew Howard wouldn’t be, but Miss Carriage would be proud for sure, if she was still alive.
After Afghanistan, Tony had not really had a chance to throw the galas. They were thrown on Valentine’s Day, and in 2009 Tony had been busy being tortured in an Afghan desert with people who did not end up winning anything other than painful deaths. Yinsen had tried to gift him his own heart, but in Tony’s opinion that was tacky, and he hadn’t accepted it (he hadn’t said it in so many words, but Tony had known).
After that there had been the Palladium thing, and Tony hadn’t been feeling so hot. Metaphorically, of course, he had made sure everyone else thought he was still the hottest person around.
Then between being Iron Man and the Avengers, well... he just had not found time, to be honest.
But now, he no longer was an Avenger, and he had a lot of free time.
And considering the fact that so many people hated him right now, it was time to remind people (and himself) that he was Tony Stark, and there were people all over the world willing to literally pay obscene (according to poor people on the media) amounts of money to give him gifts and get to go on a date with him where there wasn’t even any certainty that they’d get laid.
Now, after becoming a father of a real life child, he needed to feel sexy again. He was always at home with his baby Vision, teaching him University level maths and debating Socrates with him... dealing with newborns was so mind numbing.
The Avengers had offered to take him with them, but Tony did not think JARVIS’ little brother should be left alone with such bad influences. What if he grew up and decided he wanted to fight with shields or bow and arrows?
Absolutely not.
Plus, he had seen the looks Maximoff had been giving him. She was lucky Tony had not had enough on her to call CPS. Instead he had compromised by calling immigration and then accidentally suited up, destroyed his phone, threw it in the trash and forgot to give the Avengers his new phone number before going on an unscheduled holiday to his personal island the Avengers knew nothing about. Because of that series of unfortunate events, he had not been able to come back in time to help them fight immigration, and it wasn’t like Tony could come back now and help bring an criminal back to America.
That was illegal.
“Tony, you ready?”
“I’ve been ready for hours, where have you been?” he asked, walking out of his walk in closet.
Happy glared at him - Tony really commended him for being able to act like this when Tony knew he looked even better and more mesmerising than usual. “You literally sent me to- you know what, never mind. You are already late.”
“By design,” sniffed Tony, allowing him to help him with the coat he had had him pick out. “I will never be the first one at a party.”
“You are throwing this party! Even if you’re not the first at the party itself, you should be the first at the venue!”
“I am not having this argument with you again,” complained Tony, critically inspecting himself in the mirror once he was dressed. “My religion does not allow me to come to places early. Only fashionably late.”
“Your definition of ‘fashionably late’ is not one many believe in.”
“Many are not as clever as me,” he answered, and frowned. “Is this coat okay? Should I instead-”
“No, no, no,” said Happy, moving in front of the mirror. “Tony no. You look fantastic like this, you don’t need to change clothes. You are gonna kill everyone on sight, be it by virtue of being too beautiful or from envy, your pick.”
Tony gave him a slightly worried glance. “I need everything to be perfect, Hap. Which means I need me to be perfect. This is a very important gala, the first I personally help plan and throw myself in a very long time.” He sighed, crossing his arms around his chest. “What if no one even shows up? What if my reputation is so low-”
“Everyone is going to show up,” reassured Happy. “The general tickets sold out in two minutes, which is three minutes less than the last time you threw it. And the bidding for the special tickets went on for hours before they were sold at higher prices than I’ve seen people buy houses for. It’s going to be a success.”
Tony beamed. “I already knew that, but I get a tingly feeling whenever someone who isn’t me says it aloud.”
Happy grimaced. “Keep your kinks to yourself. Now, let’s go.”
“You joke, but now I’m seriously wondering what would happen if someone told me that in bed,” said Tony, ignoring Happy’s groaning. “Come on! Aren’t you curious?”
“No!?!?”
+++
When Tony and Happy walked in, the party was already in full swing. People were chatting, dancing and laughing with each other, looking overall very pleased with themselves even though Tony knew some of them had almost gone bankrupt trying to buy their way in here.
Tony really shouldn’t have worried (he hadn’t): it looked like everyone who had bought a ticket had shown up, obviously knowing that it was going to be the event of the year since he himself was there.
His dear not-friend friend Brunello (aka not a friend of Tony, but someone Tony pretended he was friends with because of expensive clothes important reasons) had really outdone himself with the suit he had created, custom made for Tony himself. The red accents on the golden suit really made his skin pop and caught on the light without blinding anyone (that was what his smile was for, after all).
That was only all the more clear when half of the room fell silent and stared in awe as soon as he walked inside, two of the waiters so busy staring that they crashed against each other.
Normally he hated incompetence, but that was just an ego booster and he loved it when he looked so good he made people’s higher brain functions all trippy.
“I knew you were going to be here,” said Tony, smiling smugly as he stopped beside a man sitting at the bar after bypassing a couple of fans trying to get too close. “I knew this unspoken thing between the two of us was consuming you as much as it was consuming me.”
“I am here because your dumbass sent me tickets without telling me what this gala was going to be for,” said Rhodey, rolling his eyes even as he accepted a kiss on the cheek from Tony. “Seriously. You told me it was for important Avenger business.”
“It is,” insisted Tony, trying to force Rhodey to share the seat with him. However, between the War Machine armour and his usual military stuff, it seemed the man’s core strength had improved, and he refused to budge.
Tony was not as mad as he could have been.
“How the hell is this Avenger business?”
“I am here to avenge myself after that terrible article written about me not having what it takes to fill events like this anymore, and of course I wanted you here for it.”
Rhodey kept staring at him, very flatly. “You are a nightmare.”
Tony puckered his lips at him. “Save some sweet talk for after you win the date, gumdrop.”
“I am not going to try to win the chance to go out on a date with you.”
“Smart, all you have to do is come over to the Tower,” agreed Tony, nodding sagely. “I’m glad you remember that. Now, where were you all of last week, when I was sitting in the Tower dateless?”
“At work? Obviously?”
Tony glared. “Is your work more important than me, Colonel Rhodes?” he asked, staring at him with narrowed eyes. “Be careful how you answer that question. Everything about our future relationship after the wedding will be based on your answer, so you should-”
“Yes,” said Rhodey, without hesitation.
Tony gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. “Rhodey! For shame! For shame, Colonel Rhodes! You are so mean to me. That’s why we aren’t together, by the way.”
“Please,” said Rhodey, scoffing. “All I’d have to do was say yes once and you’d be moved in in my house telling my mama that we’re getting married.”
“Hey,” complained Tony. He wasn’t completely wrong, but it was rude to say it like that. “So rude to me. Be careful, or I will actually look for a side piece at this event that is younger and prettier than you.”
Rhodey rolled his eyes, not at all impressed by the very real threat Tony had levelled him. Instead, he glanced at the crowd of the people trying to decided on whether or not they’d dare approach either of them, and then back to Tony. “Who even bought the special tickets, this year?”
Tony shrugged. “I actually did not check,” he admitted. “Happy knows, and JARVIS too, but I told them not to tell me. I wanna be completely blindsided and surprised. I even practiced my shocked face for whenever the first one approaches me.”
“Okay, show me your surprised face,” came a voice from behind him, and Tony was surprised by this.
“I call this polite surprised face number six,” said Tony, turning around and affecting a shocked expression - eyes widened slightly, lips parted, index and middle finger barely resting on the lower lip - for the man’s benefit. “What do you think?”
“Very fetching,” said Doctor Stephen Strange, signalling a waiter for a drink while keeping his eyes fixed on Tony. “You look lovely.”
“I agree,” said Tony, nodding. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Stephen. Though, I did not expect to see you here.”
“Why wouldn’t you have?” asked Stephen, picking two glasses for them both. “I won the last one, after all. Your standards are too high now for you to settle for anyone else, at this point.”
“You think highly of yourself.”
“With good reason,” said Stephen shrugging. “There is only one Stephen Strange.”
“Who, last I heard, was attached to some girlfriend...” questioned Tony, all casual and relaxed.
Stephen’s expression turned a little smug and a little intrigued. A horrible mix, this man was so arrogant. “And that made you jealous?” he wondered, using his foot to pull Tony’s stool closer to him. “Or did it make you worry that I had forgotten all about you?”
“Stephen,” tutted Tony, now his turn to look at him with some disapproval. “We both know you were never going to forget about me. No, I simply thought that you were going to stay with your girlfriend and that you wouldn’t risk a good relationship for one date.”
“She couldn’t handle me,” admitted Stephen, just a hint of bitterness in his voice. “And even if we had been together, trust me: Christine would have accepted me going on one date with you.”
“Am I supposed to feel flattered by this?”
Stephen put a hand under Tony’s chin, thumb caressing his cheek a little distractedly. “Rare are the people or things that can hold my attention for more than a couple of weeks,” he told him and really, life was unfair. How was life going to give this man such piercing eyes and such a deep voice and make him tall and climbable and then expect Tony to do nothing about it? “You should feel flattered.”
“I don’t know,” said Tony, teeth snapping in playful warning when Stephen’s fingers got too close to his lips. He had just enough make up on to make his face shine a little bit more than it did naturally, and if Stephen ruined it within the first hour of Tony being here, he’d get annoyed. “I’m feeling convenient right now.”
“That won’t do,” said Stephen, finally letting go of his hold on him. “You should feel cherished, not convenient. Treasured.” He put his hands in the inside pocket of his jacket, and Tony watched a little giddily as he pulled out a box from it. First official wooing present of the night, how exciting. “So I looked for a treasure I knew you’d love, and brought it for you.”
“You shouldn’t have,” said Tony, picking it up from the bar and ignoring Rhodey’s scoff behind him. Yes, Tony was lying and everyone knew it. There was no need to point it out! “You really shouldn’t have. You’re so sweet.”
“Only when you are involved,” informed him Stephen, as Tony carefully opened the box he had been given.
The watch he was presented with was as expected as it was stunning.
Tony was nowhere as interested in watches as Stephen was, but he did like wearing cool and expensive ones every now and again. And the watch Stephen had gifted him was very gorgeous and very expensive. It had also clearly been made with Tony or Iron Man in mind, considering the colours.
“Custom made?” he asked, watching it in fascination.
“Of course,” said Stephen. “A one of a kind watch for a one of a kind man.”
“Aw,” said Tony, leaning forward to press a kiss on his cheek. “This is amazing. Thank you, Steph.”
“Anything for you.”
With that, he gave Tony a last nod before standing up again.
Tony watched him go mingle as Happy approached him to get the present and put it somewhere safe.
As much as Tony would love to wear the watch immediately, he couldn’t. One, he was already wearing a watch. Two, he wasn’t allowed to wear or use any of the gifts unless he had decided on the person that would take him out on a date. It would be awkward, after all, to go on a date with someone wearing another person’s present from when they had been trying to get you to go out with them.
And while Tony liked drama, he liked causing it and watching it from a distance, not actively living it.
He turned to Rhodey, who was looking at him with some amusement. “So...”
“So...”
“You rarely pick the same person twice.”
“He’s really hot.”
“Are you looking for a relationship or a one night stand or a fling?”
“A date.”
“Take out box?”
Tony snorted. “I want to sample the buffet first.”
Rhodey hummed. “But his chances?”
“Are you jealous, honey bear?”
His best friend rolled his eyes at his words but, before he could negate or confirm Tony’s statement, another person stopped beside them.
A person that had Rhodey immediately tensing in shock and surprise, while Tony stared in vague surprise.
“Weren’t you dead?” he asked, staring at him. He could have sworn Thor had been crying about his brother being dead, before the whole ULTRON thing.
“It was in my best interest that people thought that,” said Loki, shrugging slightly. Then he smirked, tilting his head curiously. “Why? Did you mourn me, Anthony Stark?”
Tony smiled equally as flirtatiously. “Mourned the fact that we had never had that drink together, mostly,” he admitted.
“Tony,” said Rhodey, voice a little tense. “Tony, that’s a war criminal.”
“Aren’t we all war criminals, at the end of the day?”
He could feel Rhodey’s eye twitching. “... NO?!”
“Ugh,” he complained, eyes glued on the beautiful suit that Loki was wearing. He looked like a vision of green and black, 100 times better than he had looked in that video of Germany. “Are you here to take out people’s eyes?”
Loki shook his head. “No. I bought a special ticket to this event, and I am now going to attempt to convince you of why allowing me to take you out on a date will be a fantastic idea.”
“See...?” said Tony, turning pleading eyes towards Rhodey. Happy had materialised behind his friend, and part of Tony really wondered how his bodyguard was thinking he was going to take down a Norse god with nothing but his fists.
But he did not want Loki to accidentally break his Happy, so he did not fuel the fire.
“Tones-”
“Come on!” said Tony, not pouting because Rhodey thought it was childish and that would hurt his point. “He looks almost as good as me! And he clearly bought a ticket to be here, legally.” Rhodey scoffed and Loki smirked, but Tony ignored them both. He did not believe Loki had done anything legally either, but he also wanted to see what the alien space mage had brought him, so he was going to pretend. “Everyone is equal in these halls, and Loki is not here for mayhem.”
“Of course not,” agreed Loki. “I am simply here to converse, offer you my gift and then dance with you.”
“See?” said Tony, pointedly shooting Rhodey a look. “No untoward intentions.”
“Does wanting to go on this date and then bed you count as untoward?” wondered Loki, which made Tony snort.
“I don’t put out on the first date, Rudolph.”
The ensuing silence at that statement was very loud, from Happy, Rhodey and Loki.
Tony ignored the disrespect. “Present now, please.”
“As you wish,” said Loki, with half a bow, and Tony watched in wonder as he produced a box and a bouquet of roses out of seemingly nowhere.
Not normal roses, however. The bouquet was sitting on top of a red box, and from what Tony could see, it was not real. The paper wrapped around the flowers was real, but the flowers themselves were golden, almost statue like.
“What is this?” he wondered, watching Loki place the box on the bar with some confusion. “Gold flowers?”
Was this an Asgardian thing? Every time they asked Thor to describe Asgard, he always went on about all the golden things they had, it was weird, their obsession with that colour.
Maybe it was a kink.
Or maybe it was the reason why they were all so crazy.
“While we do have gold on Asgard, it is not the only metal we have,” said Loki, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
Tony got it immediately, and his eyes widened in shock. “Holy fucking mother of Tesla, did you just gift me like 5 kilos of fucking uru?!”
The space metal that made no sense whatsoverer and that Thor’s hammer was made of?
Loki smirked. “And Vanr chocolate. It tastes like Midgardian chocolate, I’ve been told-” he cut himself off, catching Tony the moment he threw himself at him. “I see the presents are to your satisfaction?”
“Beyond,” said Tony, staring at him with potential stars in his eyes, and ignoring Rhodey pointedly coughing behind him. “If we were somewhere else, I hope you know I’d have dropped to my knees right this second.”
"Tony!"
Loki chuckled. “I think I shall content myself with a dance, for now,” he said, leading Tony towards the dance floor and away from his uru. Tony almost cried at that, but only the knowledge that no one was allowed to take their gifts back after bringing them was keeping him from immediately declaring the event closed.
“But,” continued Loki, pulling him flush against him as soon as the music changed, mouth close to Tony’s ear. “I am planning on cashing on that, if you do the clever thing and choose me.”
“Confident in yourself, are you?”
“I am Loki of Asgard,” he said, brazenly. “Does anyone compare?”
Tony was too weak for cockiness, he decided, considering the way he automatically tried to inch for a kiss at those words. Loki, the damn tease, just smirked smugly, using his superior height to illegally keep his lips away from Tony’s.
A crime.
He really was lucky he was cute.
+++
“Doctor Stark.”
Loki had barely had time to put him down (Tony had just discovered that he might or might not have a thing for being manhandled by beings who were stronger than normal humans and who could break him in half with one move), before someone else was beside him, ready for a dance.
Loki’s eyes narrowed, but Tony did not pay him any attention, instead grinning at the man standing beside him. “Oh my god, T’Challa?”
T’Challa smiled back, relaxing slightly, while Loki looked a little put out beside them. “Oh, good. I wondered if you would remember me.”
“Please,” said Tony, automatically moving to place his hands on his shoulders. He blew a kiss at Loki before turning all of his attention on the other prince. “That was one of the best winters I had for a while. Howard wasn’t sure if he was glad that I was married to Wakandan Royalty, or if he was mad about the fact that I was illegally married to a man while being underage and without a prenup. It was hilarious.”
“I agree,” said T’Challa, as they started dancing. “Part of me sort of wished that the wedding had not been fake. Or that, at least, we’d have seen each other, after.”
Where dancing with Loki had been a lot of being literally swept off his feet, dancing with T'Challa was easier, simpler. Tony found himself following without even thinking about it, and yet he knew that anyone looking at them would see nothing but perfection in the way they moved.
“Well, your dad banned me from your country, and my parents had your faces on wanted posters all around the Mansion,” he reminded him, only a little bitter. It had been infuriating, Howard had literally hired bodyguards to make sure Tony and T'Challa did not end up anywhere near each other every time the Wakandan Royal Family and the Starks were in New York at the same time. He then smiled, now more honestly than before. “I missed you. I didn’t expect you to be here.”
T’Challa's eyes crinkled affectionately as he spun him in place, and Tony's heart got a minor boner.
He would never really admit it out loud because he had a reputation to maintain, but T’Challa had been something like his first love. They might have only gotten fake married because T'Challa's dad had been trying to get him engaged and Tony was trying to piss off Howard and their fathers hated each other (Howard had stolen Vibranium from Wakanda, T'Chaka had once before sent his War Dogs to infiltrate SI), but T'Challa had been the first person he had really loved. It had caused a lot of tears, and chocolate and ice cream binge eating, which had just made Howard even more annoyed - and Tony had been too heartbroken to enjoy it.
“I missed you too,” admitted T'Challa, still looking at him with that disgustingly soft smile. What, was he trying to get Tony to kiss him stupid or something? How sneaky. “I believe I started missing you the second we ended our supposed fake marriage and I walked away.”
“We didn’t even get a divorce or a divorce party or divorce present,” mourned Tony. “And you didn’t walk away, you were chased away.”
T’Challa snorted. “Yeah. I never thought your father could run that fast.”
“Neither did I,” admitted Tony. A man of many talents, Howard Stark. Few of them good, many of them puzzling. “Why did you not come back, then?”
“Truthfully? I wasn’t sure I would have been welcomed back,” he admitted. Tony leant back to look at him in a lot of confusion, and T’Challa offered him a slightly awkward smile. “How can you be surprised by that? You are... you. And I’m... well, me.”
“You’re a literal prince, with crazy romantic game, and you’re hot as fuck.”
“And you’re Tony Stark,” reminded him T’Challa, putting the right amount of respect on his name. So few people did it, nowadays. “You could have anyone that you wanted. You could have someone who's father didn't dislike you the way my father disliked you, or your father disliked me. And you did have everyone. I saw you throw these events, years after year. I even tried to get tickets, once or twice, and I always chickened out.”
“Why?”
“The idea of getting here and watching you pick someone else...” he started, glancing away. “It wasn’t a nice idea. I knew I was going to be more than a bit jealous.”
“I do love it when guys get jealous over me in a non abusive and non toxic way,” informed him Tony, pleased as punch. T’Challa rolled his eyes, which Tony chose to interpret as more fondness. “But then why are you here now?”
“For the past 6 years it has been like you closed yourself to love or romance completely. The media speculated a lot, but you never came out to say you were dating someone, or anything for the sort. So when suddenly you decided to give this event another try, I just had to try. I realised that I would forever regret it if I didn't at least get one last chance with you, one last dance. If I didn't get to open my heart to you.”
“Is your present poetry, Pink Panther?" Questioned Tony, forcefully looking at his eyes only and ignoring the way his heart was beating in his chest. He must have arrythmia. "Cause you have real talent.”
“All I have to do is look into your eyes,” promised him the prince, as the song came to a close. “Your entire face is poetry made for eyes capable of reading it.”
Yeah, Tony remembered how he had gotten sucked in by T’Challa so quickly. “Are you trying to get your dick sucked? Because that’s how you get your dick sucked.”
“You should try poetry yourself,” joked T’Challa, chuckling as he lead Tony away from the dance floor, under many jealous eyes (normally Tony hated it when he wasn’t sure if they were jealous of him or jealous of the person on his arm, but considering it was T’Challa... well, he couldn’t blame them).
Tony had a thrilling moment where he thought the prince was taking him to a dark corner to show him why his tribe was called the panther tribe and how they prowled and stalked their prey, but instead he took him outside, towards the open balcony.
He was only a tiny bit disappointed.
He didn’t do exhibitionism at events like these, not after the Fountain Incident of ‘96. To this day, he couldn’t look at a stone dick without having flashbacks.
“Okay,” started T’Challa, as they came to a stop near the railings. The balcony was mostly dark, and there was a bit of cold breeze, but the light and warmth from the party lit up their faces, and several eyes including Happy’s were still on him.
“This is my present,” said T’Challa, and Tony stared in slight surprise as a dark shape behind the balcony’s open door seemed to melt out of the shadows.
He thought it was cat, then thought it was a panther, and then he gasped as the feline stopped in front of him, the light from the party finally showing what it really was.
“Is that what I think it is?” he asked, crouching to the ground, for a moment not caring about his suit and the possible dust ending up on it.
“If you think that this is a vibranium made mechanical baby panther, then yes, you are correct,” said the Prince, as Tony started to run his fingers through the metal.
It was gorgeous in design and so lifelike in looks, even as it appeared to be in sleep mode. Surprisingly sleek to the touch, finely made vibrarium hairs on top of it for maximum realism: an fantastical feat of engineering, truly.
“Woah,” said Tony, looking up at T’Challa with some shock. “You made this?”
T’Challa made a face. “To be completely fair and honest, Shuri helped me make it. My sister. But I had the idea, and I did most of the design and the implementation of it and everything. We even attempted a rudimentary AI, because I remember back then you were really into them and from what I have heard you became successful in them. It wasn't very good, I'm sure you will able to make it better. But you know the best part of it?”
“There is more?”
T’Challa smiled, amused. “Touch her chest.”
“She’s a girl?” asked Tony, even as he did as told. And then he gaped again, as he felt a familiar sound under his palm. “Is that a heartbeat?”
“My heartbeat,” told him T’Challa, pointing at a small necklace sitting on his chest. “We haven’t named her, but yes, she is a girl. And I recorded my heartbeat throughout an entire day, and we inputted it in her. There is a mode, if you wanted it, where you can make it so that you can hear my heartbeat in real time, through this necklace, but I wasn’t sure if it was creepy-”
“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now,” told him Tony, completely honest. “Not even have sex with you, but just genuinely kiss you. T’Challa, this is amazing! This is so thoughtful.”
He smiled, shrugging. “Like I said. I wanted you to know exactly how I felt towards you. No mistakes, no chance of misunderstandings.”
“How much even was this? It must have cost you a small fortune. And you’re giving it away to me at this vanity game?”
Tony really hoped Rhodey hadn’t heard him say that. That man could be so petty, he would never let Tony forget he had ever said it.
T’Challa shrugged again. “Nothing is worth more than your heart,” he told him, taking Tony’s hand in his.
Yeah, 16 years old Tony Stark had been onto something when he had fallen in love with this guy. And now, so many years later, T’Challa had only become kinder, hotter, sweeter and Tony was ready to bet even better at sex.
Not that what they had done back then really counted as sex, but Tony was ready to bet on it. Aged like some fine wine.
T’Challa pressed a kiss on the back of his hand, and then did not wait for him to say anything before he walked away.
“You okay, Boss?” asked Happy, appearing as soon as T’Challa had returned inside, to retrieve the panther.
Tony bit his lip, watching T’Challa walk and disappear through the crow. “Happy, have you ever experience a boner inside of your heart?”
“... Why do I even try to start conversations with you?” muttered Happy like the mean grinch he was inside, picking up the panther.
“Maybe it’s because deep inside we know we can’t leave without you.”.
Tony felt his eyebrows raise as he watched the new arrival, a grin on his face. “You didn’t.”
“Well, you said everyone who gets a ticket gets a chance,” pointed out Pepper, smiling affectionately at him.
Tony gave her a look. “You were afraid the event was going to bomb so you bought a ticket, didn’t you?”
“I totally wanted to go on a date with you,” promised him Pepper, handing him a bouquet of saffron crocuses, his favourite flowers in the world.
Tony was a little surprised as he accepted them. “How do you know that I like these? I tell everyone the Juliet Roses are my favourites.”
“I know you,” answered Pepper, giving him a box of Amedei’s chocolate, his favourite Italian chocolate brand. Her smile grew at his surprise. “You like expensive things-”
“I love expensive things, Madonna wrote Material Girl about me-”
“But you also love things that show people understand you, and took great care in picking out the present for you.”
“Pepper,” he said, glancing at the stunning flowers and the chocolate. “I can’t believe this. I almost feel bad about never making an effort with you and just giving you my card so that you can buy your own present.”
“We all have our strengths.”
“I thought you said we could never work together so long as I am Iron Man?” he questioned, frowning. “Because this gala is not me giving up on being a superhero. I love doing SI work, making myself pretty for events and hanging out with Vision, but-”
“I know,” she said, a bitter smile appearing on her face. “I get it. But I’ve missed you, and I thought why not try this?”
“You could have just asked me if you wanted an invite,” pointed out Tony, moving back inside as he noted some sort of commotion indoors. What could be more interesting than him? “Now you have taken away the chance for a good looking and rich man or woman to give me an expensive gift and tell me how pretty they think I am.”
“You look beautiful, Tony,” she told him, following him inside and handing the flowers and chocolates to Happy when he approached.
“Miss Potts!” chided Tony. “You are my boss! We musn’t, it’s... naughty.”
“Would you say it’s... forbidden?" she asked, eyes turning wicked. "Taboo?”
Tony wiggled his eyebrows at her. “You know, even if we don’t get back together, there is little reason I shouldn’t still pick you at the end, have a nice date and then visit the penthouse. We can even turn off Vision early for the night.”
“I have never gone on a date with a single father,” she mused, giving him a long once over. “I’m not completely against. Though I think it’s illegal to ‘turn off’ your child, people call it murder.”
“Oh, I’m not like normal people. My son comes with an on and off switch. I think ULTRON got confused about the concept of ‘sleep’,” he explained, and then stopped abruptly as he realised what had stolen the attention from him. “What the fuck.”
“Anthony,” called Justin Hammer, smiling brightly at him from beside a lifesize chocolate statue of himself and Tony holding hands. “I was looking for you.”
Tony’s eye twitched. “Weren’t you in prison?”
“I was let out early for good behaviour,” he explained, easily. Then he gave him another huge smile. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”
“Not really,” admitted Tony, giving the chocolate stature another slightly disgusted look. “Why are you taller than me? You are not taller than me in real life. And why is my nose so wide?”
“I am, in fact, taller than you, and I’m sorry, Anthony, your nose is not your most flattering feature.”
Tony stared at him. “Did you just call me short and ugly.”
“What? No, I never-”
“And is that dark chocolate? Everyone knows that dark chocolate...”
“Is the one chocolate Tony Stark hates,” finished the crowd for him, now everyone glaring fiercely at Hammer.
“Thank you,” he said, sniffing loudly. “And that jacket's pocket square... are we wearing matching clothes? Are you calling my fashion sense ugly, cheap and tacky?”
“N-no? No, I wasn’t and... are you calling my fashion sense ugly, cheap and tacky?”
“Of course I was, how could you have possibly missed that?!”
“But, I-”
“I think it’s time for you to leave, Mr Hammer,” told him Pepper, immediately going into CEO mode.
“No, I bought a ticket! I have the right-”
“Your presence is clearly distressing Dr Stark, and-”
Tony would have stayed and watched the beautiful image of Pepper kicking out Hammer, but then there was an arm around his shoulder, pulling him gently away.
Tony would have panicked or attacked, but he recognised the hold immediately, and it would really not do anyone any favours if he brought attention to himself just now.
Though, “Are you crazy?” he hissed, even as he let himself be lead away from the group. “What if Rhodey sees you? He will literally murder you.”
“You still worry about me, sweetheart?” asked him Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens, way too at ease for Tony’s likings. “I’m here completely legally. Bought the ticket with my own money, and the acquired the present by myself too.”
“The gun that Rhodey is going to use if he sees you will have been procured legally too,” informed him Tony. “He’s very mad at you for that fake kidnapping you staged to get back at those assholes who screwed you.”
Erik frowned. “The one from four years ago?”
“No.”
“The one from three years ago in Cabo?”
“Nope.”
“The one after you saved the President?”
“Nein.”
“Which one, then?”
“He’s still mad about all of those, but mostly I’m talking about the one from 5 months ago.”
“Wasn’t that your idea?”
Tony rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I’m not going to tell him that. Then he’s going to get mad at me, and you know how much I hate when Rhodey’s mad at me.”
Erik scowled. “So you’re going to let your little knight in a Titanium alloy armour be mad at me instead? That’s not fair.”
“Erik, even if he was not mad about the last kidnapping, Rhodey would still kill you because of all the other ones and everything else you've done. He has the memory of an elephant, never forgets and will never forgive you.”
“What your Rhodey doesn’t know,” said Erik, putting a black masquerade style mask over his eyes, “Won’t hurt him.”
“Intriguing,” said Tony, leaning back to watch him better. “Ticking my 'let a handsome stranger you don’t truly recognise have his wicked way with you at a masquerade ball, leaving you with no name but the amazing smell of his cologne until one day you find him again in the most likely of situation' fantasy perfectly. Who are you, my good sir?”
“A traveller from a far away land,” told him Erik, affecting an accent Tony did not recognise while tracing a finger over his cheek. “A pirate of good fortune. A thief of hearts. A man who has found many treasures and beauties around the world, but none quite as exquisite as you.”
“Is this the part where I accidentally drop my handkerchief and disappear in the crowd, and you chase me to return it to me?”
“Do you even carry a handkerchief?” wondered Erik.
“I carry a pocket square, but I don’t it to be ruined.”
“We can do something easier,” offered Erik, and with a movement of his fingers pulled out a beautiful necklace from behind Tony’s ear.
Tony had a quip ready about a pirate turning into a magician, but then he took a good look at the necklace and his words froze. “Holy shit,” he said, watching the yellow diamonds the necklace was adorned by. “What are these? This is gorgeous, where did you even find them?”
“When you have time, I suggest you look up the Florentine diamonds,” told him Erik, lips curling in a self-satisfied smile. “You are going to be even more impressed.”
“I’m plenty impressed right now,” said Tony, immediately trying to not look suspicious when he noted Rhodey and Happy looking in their direction with a frown. “Okay, you need to disappear in the crowd, Rhodey is getting suspicious and Happy is scary good at faces.”
“So soon?” wondered Erik, making a face. “But it’s been so long since I last saw you. I missed you. Should I stage another kidnapping just to get to spend some more time with you?”
“Are you trying to make sure Rhodey will hate you forever?” wondered Tony, flicking the mask with a finger. “There are way less dramatic ways of getting my attention, you know?”
“True,” agreed Erik. “And of keeping your attention.”
Tony looked up, frowning at the direction the conversation had taken, but before he could so much as blink Erik’s lips were on his.
It was technically not allowed for people at this event to try to seduce him via kissing or anything intimate like that.
It was Tony himself who had created said rule.
But it would be rude to interrupt a kiss, and Tony wasn’t rude. So he leant forward too, deepening the kiss, chasing the heat of Erik’s mouth in his, the feeling of his teeth sinking into his lips and-
Tony’s eyes snapped open when Erik stopped the kiss, but by the time he could focus on his surroundings again, the man had already disappeared again.
“Bastard,” he muttered, pressing a finger on his lip as Happy appeared beside him.
“Who the hell was that?” questioned Happy suspicious. “Was that the Mr Monger on the list that I couldn’t recognise anywhere but that JARVIS said was fine to allow to the event?”
“Maybe,” said Tony, handing Happy the pretty and shiny necklace. He missed it already. “By the way, are you familiar with the Florentine Diamond?”
“The Tuscan? Yeah, it disappeared sometime in the early 1900s, it’s renowned all over the world and highly sought after, but no one could ever find it and...” Happy paused. He glanced at Tony, then at the jewel, and then groaned. “That was Killmonger, wasn’t it?”
“I choose to neither deny nor confirm this statement.”
“Rhodey is going to kill him if he finds out he’s here.”
“But that would ruin my party, so you’re not going to tell him. Are you?” he asked him, giving him his best puppy eyes.
Happy pretended he was immune, but he was as weak as every non-Pepper in this world, it was great for Tony’s ego.
“You’re going to tell him yourself when this entire thing is over,” he said/threatened.
“Come on, Happy. Aren’t we over the part of our relationship where you order me to tell Rhodey something, I lie saying I will and then never do? Aren’t we over this?”
“No, we aren’t. You will tell Rhodey, this time.”
“Fine, then I’ll tell Rhodey,” lied Tony, rolling his eyes a little. His eyes noted the person approaching him, dressed in a gorgeous cream dress that perfectly complimented his own suit, and he grinned. “Well, someone came to dazzle.”
“I had a free evening,” admitted Hope Van Dyne, a small smile on her face. “Mr Hogan.”
“Miss Van Dyne,” said Happy, giving her a suspicious glance as he took a few steps away from her but not too many.
“Isn’t it delightful when your old bodyguard and your new bodyguard interact with one another?” he wondered, pressing a kiss on her cheek.
“I remember you calling me your Princess Charming,” reminded him Hope, one eyebrow raised.
“Well, you did save me, the fairest Prince in all the Realms, from the evil monster bullies. Who else could you be?”
“Destroying gender stereotypes since 1974,” joked Hope, pulling out a thick file for him.
“Paperwork? Hope, you do realise this is supposed to be so that you seduce me into accepting to go on a date with you, and not bore me to death.”
“Check the index before you start checking me out of this race,” said Hope, rolling her eyes fondly.
She was suspiciously confident in herself, so Tony did open the file. And immediately stared, eyes wide open.
“Is this what I think it is?”
“Are you asking if that really is a receipt detailing the purchase of a 7 feet replica of your favourite teddy bear from when we were kids, accompanied by an alphabetized and perfectly cared for list of blackmail material on the Avengers and on your major political enemies including my father? Because if you, the answer is 'why yes it is, Tony'. You’d be correct-”
“You are awesome, Hope,” he said, delightedly as he wrapped his arms around her. “Honestly, if things had gone a little bit differently, me and you would be the power couple of the century. This entire planet would be ours.”
“Sounding a little bit villainly there, Tones,” she joked, hugging him right back. “Should I be worried?”
“Hope Van Dyne, I know what you did every summer from the age of 0 to the age of 14,” he reminded her, pulling back and pressing another chaste kiss on her lips. “Don’t act like between the two of us I would be the villain.”
“You threaten the principal, and shoot a few kidnappers one time.”
“Ma’am, you are aware that you have just handed me blackmail material that I don't even know how you found, right?”
“Potato, tomato.”
“That is literally not how the saying goes?”
“I finally figured out the reason me and you never actually got together.””
“Bitch.”
“Dick.”
“Love you!”
“Love you too!”
+++
“Have you ever noticed how daunting blank pieces of paper can be?” questioned Tony, looking back at Rhodey.
The two of them had moved a few minutes ago in a room adjacent to where the party was taking place in, and finally Tony was going to have a chance to pick who he was going to go on his special date with.
And just like every year, the competition was tough because, apart from Hammer, all of the people who had come were people Tony was rather fond of in terms of looks, presents and who they were as people.
“You don’t know who to pick?”
“No,” said Tony, sighing. “Can I just pick you and then we can go home eat ice cream and the various chocolates I got as presents? If I eat them with you, the calories will get confused, and I won’t get fat.”
“Is this a joke hinging on the fact that I’m brown like your favourite chocolate.”
“Maybe.”
“Keep your eyes posted on another race sensitivity e-mail coming your way.” Tony huffed, and Rhodey rolled his eyes. “Come on. There must be one person who you want to go out with more than anyone else.”
“I don’t know. All of the presents were amazing, and I don’t know... In the end it really comes down to Loki, T’Challa, Hope or... Monger.”
“Okay, let’s try this,” suddenly said Rhodey, picking up a couple of pieces of paper and dropping them on top of the one Tony was supposed to answer on. “One answer per piece of paper, don’t think, just write, three seconds to write. You game?”
“I doubt it’ll work, but sure. What do I have to lose?”
“Okay, let’s start easy. Favourite ice cream flavour, go!”
Tony didn’t even have to think, “Truffle ice cream.”
“Tiramisu or cake?”
Cake.
“Howard Stark or Nick Fury?”
Howard Stark. “That’s weird,” said Tony, glancing down at what he wrote. “Do I really like my dad more than I like Nick Fury? That’s suspicious. Do I have mental health problems?”
“Absolutely, but that’s not a symptom. Blueberries or coffee?”
Coffee.
“All is well in the world-”
“Loki or Monger?”
Loki, wrote Tony, and hummed in vague surprise. “Oh. Interesting.”
“We are going to continue to pretend that I don’t know that that’s Killmonger,” said Rhodey, voice deceptively calm. "But we are going to have some words."
Tony winced. “Look, I didn’t-”
“T’Challa or Hope?”
T’Challa, wrote Tony without even thinking about it.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” admitted Rhodey. “Now, for the battle of-”
“Not necessary,” said Tony, picking up the main piece of paper and writing down his answer on it. “I think part of me already knew the answer since the second he showed me that gift.”
Rhodey glanced at the piece of paper, and smiled slightly. “Good for you. And it case it wasn’t already clear, he’s the only one of them that I actually like for you.”
“Oh trust me, Rhodey,” answered Tony, giving the waiter the paper to take out. “You made your preferences when it comes to my future significant other abundantly clear. If I didn’t know, I’d even suspect foul play so that you can have me married or dating someone you know you can best when the time comes and you get the courage to ask me out.”
“What I want to know is why do you really think you could ever be my type? I have far better taste than-”
“Colonel Rhodey Rhodes,” said Tony, turning around quickly so that they were suddenly standing chest to chest. He put a hand on Rhodey’s shoulder, making his eyelids drop and giving him a devilish smile. “Please. Don’t embarrass yourself, now. I’m everyone’s type.”
Rhodey blinked a couple of times. “It’s cute that you think this works on me.”
“It’s cute how hard you work to pretend that it’s not working on you,” answered Tony, keeping his eyes fixed on his.
“Stark,” said Rhodey, amused. “I’ve never lost a game of chicken, if this is how you want to play it.”
“Rhodes,” purred Tony, leaning closer. “I have broken the resolve of stronger men.”
“This is weird,” loudly said Happy, as he walked back into the room. “It’s weird, and I don’t like looking at it. Stop it.”
When neither of them moved, both waiting for the other to fold first, Happy came to stand between them, pulling them away from each other and forcibly interrupting their eyes contact.
Tony glared at his bodyguard. “I was about to break Rhodey, Hap. How dare you? You’re fired?”
“Your Prince is waiting for you outside,” answered him Happy, not at all moved. “Or should I tell him you changed your mind and chose Jim instead?”
“No,” said Tony, feeling his heart beat a little bit faster all of a sudden. Must be a heart attack or something, he decided. “Bye, Rhodey, love you, please don’t kill Erik.”
“I hope you said your goodbyes, because if I see that man, you’re never seeing him again.”
“It’s so cute how you think you can kill him or otherwise stop him,” mused Tony, even as he followed Happy outside the other door. “My dick game got him addicted! It’s an... ad-dick-tion!”
“You are not the Phil Dunphy you think you are.”
“If I was anyone on Modern Family, I would be Gloria,” informed him Tony, pointedly. “I have the legs for it.”
“You have the legs for everything you put your head to,” informed him his Prince, standing outside and waiting for him with a smile on his face.
This heart attack must be a bad one, because as soon as he saw his face, Tony’s heart started beating even faster. “You flatterer.”
“I’m the one flattered,” said T’Challa, reaching for Tony’s hand as soon as he was close enough, and kissing the back of it again. “In a room full of such interesting entertainment, you chose me?”
“What can I say?” questioned Tony, allowing himself to be lead to the car surrounded by the hot warrior lady bodyguards. “I’m a sucker for Prince Charming stories.”
“Because you’re usually the other Prince in said stories?”
“You can say the Queen or the Princess, I don’t mind.”
“Why would I?” questioned T’Challa, slightly confused. “You are the prettiest and most handsome and the most beautiful of all the princes I have ever met. Own it.”
Tony’s smile grew a little more honest. “You really are doing your best to get your dick sucked by the end of tonight aren’t you?”
“I can take you out on the most extravagant of dates without worrying about you complaining that the entire affair is too expensive,” pointed out T’Challa. “I think I’ve already won.”
“You don’t need to try so hard.”
“Tony,” said T’Challa, putting a hand on his cheek. “You are a treasure. You deserve to be treated with the utmost care and passion and be told how special you are at any given moment.” He rubbed a thumb over his cheek, close to the corner of his lip. “It would be my honour to do so.”
What was Tony supposed to do, other than lean forward and kiss him hard enough that they both forgot how to breath for a few moments? Listen to him and acknowledge the fact that he was unable to listen to genuine compliments without getting self conscious or thinking them false?
Absolutely not.
“I’m glad I chose you,” he told him when the kiss ended, smiling at him. “We deserved a chance.”
“Looking you in the eyes tonight and telling you how I felt was the chance I needed,” told him T’Challa, opening the door with one hand for him. “This is more than I could have hoped for, when I came here.”
Then he offered him his hand to help him inside the limo.
Yep, decided Tony. Totally getting his dick sucked by the end of the night.
He deserved it.