Work Text:
The first thing Remus noticed when he came to was the burning in his chest. He had become accustomed to the pain after going through it for so many years, but this was different, this felt distinctly wrong. The Shrieking Shack was freezing, winter chill eating away at him through the old floorboards and broken paneling. He tried to move, struggling to sit up, using his elbows to brace himself, but he couldn’t will his body to do anything more. Every movement, every breath was riddled with hot red pain, and Remus couldn’t bring himself to find the source. Nothing felt broken, per se, but he definitely didn’t feel intact. He wasn’t sure if the others were still there or if they had left already, attempting to avoid being caught by Madam Pomfrey who came to fetch and treat Remus after every moon.
There was barely any light in the old house, the hint of a sunrise streaming in through a broken window, washing the room in a purple tint. Remus probably had another thirty minutes.
“Guys?” He attempted, voice rough like gravel in his throat, physically grunting at the effort. “James? Pete? Sirius?” There was a rustle in the background, and Remus’ head whipped towards the noise, immediately regretting the movement as pain seared through his nerves, biting his lip to stifle the whimper that followed it.
“Moony, Merlin. ” It was James, the other boy stumbling his way into the room, glasses slightly askew, eyes wide and skin a bit pale. He must have just changed back, still a bit unsteady on his own feet.
“Prongs.” Was all Remus was able to gasp out before he collapsed, arms giving out on him, landing on the floor again with a thunk.
“Oi, Pads, Wormy, he’s in here!” The quidditch captain’s voice seemed to reverberate in Remus’ ears, like James was shouting at him from the bottom of the moving stairs, voice ricocheting off of the stone and bouncing off the ceiling. Remus vaguely registered the pounding of feet, barely seeing the dust rising from the floorboards as Sirius rounded the corner, Peter not far behind him, both of their faces a mirror image of James’.
“Moony– bloody hell, Moons ,” Sirius gasped out, immediately at his side, hands hovering over his still naked body, heat emanating off of him like a fire. Any other time, Remus would gladly curl into Sirius, finding comfort in the warmth and his scent, but right now it just made him feel sticky and ill.
“Help me sit him up.” Remus blinked hazily, only processing that James’ instructions were directed towards Sirius and not him as the two boys grabbed him by the elbows, lifting his thin frame with ease and propping him up against a nearby wall. His vision was starting to focus, Peter pacing out in front of him as Sirius looked at Remus with concern and James ran a hand through his hair.
“He’ll be alright, right? Madam Pomfrey will help him, she always helps him. Right, James? Sirius?” Peter squeaked out, voice as tight as Remus’ muscles felt.
“I’m fine Pete—” Remus attempted to choke out only to be interrupted by Sirius.
“‘Fine’ my ass!”
“Padfoot.” James warned. He had the look in his eyes he got when he was disciplining his teammates during practice.
“He’s got bloody gashes as wide as my wand, Prongs! You can’t expect me to sit here and pretend it’s okay!” At that, Remus was suddenly more conscious. The pain in his chest still burned, every breath taking more effort than it should, skin stretching excruciatingly, not unlike the moment before his transformation. With the steady support of the wall behind him, he was able to tilt his head down ever so slightly, fingers curling against the wooden floor. From the tip of his collarbone all the way down his abdomen to his right hip bone, were three long, deep, gashes, dried blood like cow spots on his skin. The lacerations themselves appeared as if they were healing, but it was slow, and the inside still glimmered, damp with crimson that almost made Remus sick to look at.
“Fuckin’ hell,” was all he said, attempting to raise a hand to prod at the one closest to his navel, only to be slapped away by Sirius, who was now crouching beside him. It was strange, Remus thought, how even with the blinding pain and his nerve endings feeling like they were being scorched in acid, the wounds didn’t look real. It was as if it wasn’t really his body he was looking at, but someone else’s.
“Surely we can patch him somehow.” Peter sounded like he was close to tears. James flashed Remus a sympathetic look before turning to comfort their friend, who looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. Remus’ vision was getting fuzzy again, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the injury or just general exhaustion. Regardless of whether or not he was hurt after the moon— he usually was in some capacity so he tried not to dwell on it— Remus never usually stayed conscious for long. His body was too worn out after the night prior, running around the forest with friends or, if he were at home, tearing himself apart while desperately clawing at the cement walls in the basement.
“Hey, Rems, try and stay with us, love.” Sirius was right next to Remus’ ear, eyes filled with worry as Remus blinked blearily at him. “There we go. Pomfrey will be here soon, just try and sit tight.” The brunet nodded, then winced, every movement sending another wave of pain through him. It seemed that the general sensation was numbing, but flared up again if he really tried to do, well, just about anything. He sat there for a while, desperately wanting to say that he’d be alright, to laugh with his friends and convince them that he’d be fine. He wanted to grab Sirius’ hand and give it a squeeze, let the weight reassure both of them that he would make it through all of this, because he always did. Granted, Remus hadn’t gotten hurt this badly since he was little and just starting to shift, but he was sure he would pull through. His friends had just never seen him this bad before, but he’d be fine–or at least that’s what he kept telling himself.
So he sat there, trying not to move too much, letting his vision swim, voices muffled like he was underwater, coming in and out like the tide, some words stronger than others. The last thing he remembered was Sirius sending him a weak smile and a kiss to the forehead before he lost consciousness, James’, Peter’s, and Sirius’ fleeting forms disappearing into the blackness.
…
The first thing Remus noticed when he came to was the lack of pain. He was stiff, yes, he could feel it as he moved his neck from side to side, attempting to see where he was. The hospital wing was filled with a warm light, the soft yellow rays filtering in from the large bay windows surrounding the room. He was behind a partition, Madam Pomfrey always closed the curtains in front of his bed to allow him and the other Marauders privacy, since they liked to visit when he was there. He sat up, rather slowly, blankets rustling slightly over his pajamas, chest decidedly tight, as if the muscles were sore from working out, but not in pain.
The second thing Remus noticed when he came to was Sirius Black, muttering to himself as he nearly wore out the tread of his shoes, pacing in front of Remus’ bed. He was mumbling something and his face looked distraught. Remus had never seen him so upset before.
“Pads?” He whispered, voice still quiet and throat dry from disuse. It came out a bit choked but got the other boy’s attention regardless, Sirius’ head whipping around, rushing to his side immediately.
“Thank Merlin, you’re awake.” Sirius sighed, a quiet thing that wracked his whole body, like a balloon deflating after being overfilled. “How are you feeling? Does it still hurt? I should go get Pomfrey, she’s a miracle worker, I swear. You don’t feel ill do you? How’s your vision? I know she said you’d be alright but—”
“Sirius.” The other boy promptly stopped talking, jaw clamping shut as Remus lifted one of his hands to cover Sirius’ own and give it a small squeeze. Sirius offered a slight smile at the motion, seeming to relax. He pulled up the chair that had been left in the corner, pulling it up to the side of the bed, sitting down and quickly reconnecting his and Remus’ hand.
“You gave us all a right scare.”
“Sorry. Wasn’t that bad though, been through worse.” Sirius gave him a concerned look, brows drawn close together, eyes slightly squinted. Remus just waved him off. “When I was younger, I did stuff like this a lot, hasn’t happened in a while though.” He sent another squeeze through their interconnected fingers. “Not since you lot came along.” Remus glanced around the room for a moment, as if to visualize James and Peter standing on the other side of him, but the pair was nowhere to be found. It was like this sometimes, only one of them staying by Remus’ side, rotating on a schedule so they could all eat or get work done. Personally, Remus thought that none of them had to stay, and had told them all such on several occasions to which they all protested.
“They just left, Prongs and Wormtail. They had been with me the whole time, but I sent them to go grab dinner. Prongs said he’d get some for you, so don’t worry about getting up any time soon.”
“Why didn’t you go with them, surely you need something to eat.” Sirius’ face flushed for a moment, pale cheeks going bright with color.
“I, er, I wanted to be here in case you woke up.” The raven-haired boy wouldn’t meet his eyes, instead finding the linoleum flooring quite interesting. Remus smiled softly.
“Thank you, Pads, I appreciate it.” They sat in silence for a while, Sirius scanning Remus’ body up and down as if to find an injury that the nurse had missed while Remus watched the light shift around the room, wedges of gold moving and taking different shapes as the minutes ticked by. Pomfrey had come in, hearing their voices and gave him a once over, checking the long marks on his torso under his shirt and asking him a series of questions about how he was feeling. She left him a sleeping drought and a pain potion on his bedside and ordered him to rest for the remainder of the evening (despite the fact he had done nothing but sleep all morning). Even after she had left, the pair fell into a comfortable silence, waiting for their friends to return. But there was something that was starting to eat away at Remus’ mind, something that he was only able to think about now, conscious in full. “Hey, Sirius?” The other boy hummed, gray eyes meeting him. They were more relaxed now, exhaustion clearly overtaking the worry that had been rooted in them before. “What happened?”
“What you’d mean?”
“How did I get hurt?” Sirius tensed up slightly, shoulders going rigid but only for a moment, before his muscles relaxed. Remus could hear his pulse rate jump before evening out again.
“Moony, just so you know, this isn’t your fault, okay?” That got Remus’ attention, eyes widening as he met Sirius’ own. His friends only spoke like that when something bad happened, always saying he didn’t know or didn’t have control. His mind whirled, going into overdrive trying to simultaneously push his thoughts aside and listen to Sirius, although he was failing rather brilliantly. “We were just playing, like usual. Honestly, I’m not really sure what happened, it all went so fast. But I guess I riled you up a bit too much and Wormtail—” Remus leaned back, letting his head hit the pillow with a thump. His heart was racing, hand coming up to clutch his chest. He was on the verge of crying, lip between his teeth to keep the tears at bay. Remus wasn’t stupid, he could put two and two together. James and Peter weren’t getting dinner, he had hurt Peter and James was with him. It probably wasn’t even Remus who gave himself the scars, but Sirius or James. He couldn’t blame them either, he would have done the same. Suddenly, he felt ill again, hot and sticky, like Sirius’ very presence would cause his body to react. For the first time in years, Remus was afraid of himself.
He tried his best to remember that morning in the shack. Prongs and Pads had looked alright, a bit pale and tired, but nothing out of the ordinary. Remus hadn’t been able to get a very good look at Peter though, the other boy keeping his distance pacing. Maybe there were injuries he couldn’t have seen in his dreary state? Between his swimming vision and the distance Wormtail had put between them, it was very possible for Moony to have missed scratches and cuts. Was he limping? Remus couldn’t remember.
“Moony, Remus , breathe, ‘s alright I promise.” Sirius' voice was next to him, the other boy suddenly taking up most of his vision, comforting words coming out in droves. “Breathe Moony, I promise whatever you’re thinking, it’s not that bad.”
“I’m a monster.” It was quiet, like a self realization and Remus only knew he had said it out loud when Sirius’ face shifted, anger taking over his features briefly.
“No you’re not, quit talking bad about yourself when I didn’t even finish telling you what happened.”
“I hurt Pete, didn’t I? I got these marks from you and Prongs.”
“What? Remus, no, you gave
yourself
those.” Sirius was trying to keep his voice low, something that was proving to be difficult as his frustration rose. “Wormtail got stuck under a root and you were about to pounce on him without realizing it. Prongs and I noticed and well, I panicked and growled at you. Prongs followed, kinda flashing his horns at you. The wolf, well I think it thought that its pack had turned on it. You ran off– do you know how bloody fast you are by the way? Merlin, Moony, it took all three of us hours to find you.” Remus felt his face screw up, brow taught with confusion then concern, but more than anything he felt relief flood his body.
He hadn’t hurt his friends
, he thought. “We finally saw you outside the shack, tearing away at yourself. You wouldn’t let any of us approach you, but we couldn’t let you keep hurting yourself so we chased you for a while and I guess you got tired and went inside the shack where you transformed back.” When he was done, Remus nodded, the exhaustion coming back in waves. He heard the curtain open, turning his face slightly to greet Peter and James with small smiles. They looked perfectly fine, and with that Remus closed his eyes, allowing his relief to lull him to sleep.
…
The third time Remus came to, the hospital wing was dark, James asleep in the chair next to him, glasses slightly askew as he rested his head on his fist, drool dripping slightly out of the corner of his mouth. Madam Pomfrey must have been making her rounds because only a moment or so later, the curtain rustled as she stepped in, taking note of the sleeping James before noticing that Remus was conscious.
“Good evening, Remus. How are you feeling?”
“Quite well, actually.” She nodded, poking and prodding, mumbling something to herself as she went before stepping back and nodding once more. “I think you’re all set to go, but please take it easy. No morning classes, I want you staying off your feet for a little while longer. I’ll send a note to your professors. But I see no sense in keeping you here. Besides, I’m sure the bed in your dormitory is much more comfortable than that old thing.” She said, motioning to the hospital bed. Remus simply chuckled, a sound that seemed to startle James, despite the fact that he had slept through nearly all of their conversation.
“Mr. Potter, thank you for joining us. Would you mind collecting Mr. Lupin’s things and helping assist him back to his dorm?” Madam Pomfrey said, James’ eyes slowly widening as he woke up, nodding.
“Yes, of course.”
“Splendid. You boys have a good night.”
…
The common room was decently busy as he and James stumbled through it. There were a few third and second years grouped around one of the back couches discussing assignments. Peter, Mary, Marlene, Lily, Dorcas, and Sirius were sitting near the fireplace, laughing at something. But the atmosphere seemed off, Sirius’ smile never quite reaching his eyes. It was cut short though, the group immediately noticing the others’ presence, sending kind smiles and nods in their direction.
“Alright, lads? Girls?” Remus said, breaking the tension.
“Alright, Moony.” Sirius said, giving him a full smile, a real smile before James’ helped the brunet up the stairs and into their room.
Sirius and Peter joined them a few minutes later, both eager to see their friend walking around instead of lying still in a hospital bed. But the other three were obviously exhausted from the escapades the previous evening, and, despite sleeping for most of the day, Remus himself was quite tired. So they all agreed on an early night, turning in to the respective beds and all but collapsing into slumber. Or, James and Peter did, Remus hearing their heart rates and breathing even out almost immediately. Sirius laid there for a while, eerily still in the bed next to him, but not sleeping. Remus wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, laying, looking up at his bed canopy before Sirius was at his side. He didn’t even have to ask, Remus just shuffling over, making room for the other boy. He cast a quick muffliato , Sirius shutting the curtains behind him. They did this sometimes, just laid by each others’ sides. Remus enjoyed it more than he’d like to admit.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Sirius shook his head, a motion Remus was just able to make out in the darkness. He was laying on his stomach, propping himself up by his elbows, steely gray eyes meeting Remus’ own. One of his hands trailed up the brunet’s arm reaching his shoulder before hesitating, as if to ask Remus for permission, as if to ask if it was okay. The other boy nodded and Sirius allowed his palm to rest on one of Remus’ pecs, noticing how the other boy didn’t even wince at the contact. Sirius was like a human heater, his embrace warm and comforting.
“I was so scared.” The raven-haired boy’s voice was quiet and sounded like it was on the verge of breaking, like he was on the verge of breaking. Remus had seen the underside of Sirius’ emotions more than any of their friends, but he had never seen the boy like this, so distraught, so upset. Yes, he had been mad and worried and toeing the line of devastation when he found out about Regulus, when he left home, when he got disowned. And yes, he and Remus got into a few fights during their earlier years, the brunet’s self-deprecating, cynical sense of humor not exactly agreeing with Sirius, who had taken quite a liking to the other boy. But this, this was different.
“Sirius.” His head was hung low, staring at Remus’ night shirt, finger tips moving up and down his torso slightly. He was tracing the gashes, he realized, trying to find them ever so lightly beneath the fabric.
“I thought we had really lost you, I thought I had finally driven you over the edge.” Remus reached out and stopped his hand in its tracks, Sirius meeting his eyes, hair like curtains framing his face. He was beautiful, Remus concluded, absolutely, unquestionably beautiful. “Remus, I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Cause if I hadn’t scared you off, if I hadn’t gone against you—”
“Peter would be dead,” Remus finished flatly. Sirius seemed to take a moment to process what he was saying, clearly not expecting to be derailed like that. “Pads, you did what you needed. None of this is your fault.”
“But it isn’t yours either.”
“Who's to say it can’t be nobody’s fault? It’s just something that happened, that’s all.” Sirius didn’t quite seem content with this answer but kept his mouth shut, glancing once more to where Remus was holding his hand still.
“Can I–” he paused, recollecting himself for a moment before meeting Remus’ eyes, nothing but sincerity in his orbs, “would it be alright, if I saw them?” Remus sucked in a breath but nodded, releasing Sirius’ from his grip, carefully unbuttoning his top. The moonlight trickled in from the cracks in Remus’ curtains, illuminating his skin slightly, the fresh scabs looking rough but miles better than they did that same morning. Sirius hesitated, hand hovering centimeters from the brunet’s torso, want and fear playing tug-a-war in his grey orbs. And then, in the blink of an eye, Sirius’ lips were against his chest, placing gentle kisses down the stripes, looking up over his lashes every so often to check Remus’ expression. Remus only let out a gasp, not expecting the sudden tenderness from the boy, before coming to rest a hand over Sirius’ that way laying next to the brunet’s arm. Sirius would pause every so often, stilling and breathing in and out, letting the hot puffs of air pool on Remus’ skin before starting all over again. Remus attempted to still his heart that felt like it was going to beat out of his chest to no avail. So instead, he allowed Sirius to be there, to kiss his skin, to whisper apologies and promises into the still air of the night, with no one but Remus and the moon to bear witness. Remus allowed himself, for once, to love and to be loved in return.